


Attraction is just a form of Gravity

by ThreeGremlinsInATrenchcoat



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Aftercare, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal, Angst, Begging, Bondage, Collars, Crushes, Cuddling & Snuggling, DENIAL OF FEELINGS !, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub, Explicit Consent, Face-Fucking, Feelings Realization, Flirting, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Gags, Gratuitous use of Prestidigitation, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Consent, Introspection, Kink Exploration, Kink Negotiation, Kissing, M/M, Masturbation, Miscommunication, Nerdiness, Oral Sex, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Overthinking, Panic Attacks, Pillow Talk, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Relationship Discussions, Rope Bondage, Safewords, Slow Burn, Weirdly Wholesome Smut, Yearning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:46:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 201,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23776315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThreeGremlinsInATrenchcoat/pseuds/ThreeGremlinsInATrenchcoat
Summary: Caleb had caught Essek's attention immediately.And ever since, this strange little neglected attraction has been bothering him. He initiates a mutually beneficial arrangement upon realizing that Caleb's interests match his own surprisingly well. A purely physical, transactional deal.That would be fine, if it were not for the dangerous implications and weaknesses.Or for those many in-betweens when Essek is far too interested in what's beyond the boundaries of their agreement...
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 1115
Kudos: 1302





	1. Idle Attraction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This story will have some plot, but nothing to write home about (if you write home about your smut at all, I guess...). It'll be a balance of smut and actual character dynamic and interactions and fluff.

Essek couldn’t take his eyes off of Caleb Widogast.

It was a worrying realization. He caught himself eyeing subtle movements, taking in expressions and lingering far too long on supposed casual glances. This… was quite curious.  
  
Thinking on it, Essek deduced that this had started the day he’d first laid eyes on the Mighty Nein. In a matter of minutes this odd group of mercenaries had torn through his disinterest, provoking his curiosity and rewarding it with utter shock. But even before Widogast – of all people – had raised the beacon aloft, drawing every eye in the room to himself, Essek had regarded him specifically. Him and Beau, then still nameless humans to Essek, had entered dressed as supposed slaves. And while Beau appeared to have trouble keeping her head down, as one not accustomed to obedience might, a submissive bow, hesitant gait and respectful distance had fit on Caleb like a well-tailored suit. The image had stuck with Essek, more than he could admit to himself without a sense of shame.

This had only been the first instance of Caleb unwittingly demanding Essek’s attention and keeping hold of it.

Essek mulled this over as he opened the front door to his tower one night. Though the unique introduction to Caleb had certainly be the first spark of interest, it would have stayed a curious but singular incident if not for the things that followed. Caleb’s questions, his gaze that wanted to know everything, his obviously sharp intellect… that was attractive. Essek found himself intrigued by the wit in his words more than the shape of his body. Though the combination of both the mental and the physical was perhaps what had really reeled him in. Caleb had a fascinating hair color, eyes so blue they must have caught pieces of the Empire sky, a handsome jawline and… 

Essek sighed as he shut the doors behind him and made his way through his entrance hall. Attracted to a turncoat Empire wizard that had brought home one of the Luxon’s Beacons. Fate had a twisted sense of humor.

“Get it together, Thelyss.” He muttered to himself, hoping the verbal command would do anything as he ascended the stairs leading up to his bed chamber. Of course, they did not. Just like they had not changed a thing the several times he’d uttered them before. 

People rarely attracted him like this. He’d given this fact the occasional thought and still could not put his finger on the reason for it. He’d pinned it on stress or lack of time in the past, but that assessment was overshadowed by uncertainty. It was more as if… the physical appearance of another sparked interest, but a conversation could spark real attraction. And Essek had far too few of those outside of his work.  
  
He floated into his room and began his nightly ritual of getting ready for his trance. He descended to the floor, his heels connecting with it for the first time since he’d ascended that morning. He removed his earrings, then his mantle.  
  
Maybe Caleb thought him attractive, too. 

The intrusive thought gave him pause. It was not impossible. Essek had been propositioned more than once. He knew that, by the standards of his people, he was quite easy on the eyes. Which was a relief, because he would hate to put all that time and effort into his appearance only for it to go unappreciated.

Unfortunately, this gave no indication towards the likelihood of Widogast’s interests. Empire beauty standards were alien to Essek’s life experience. His interactions with humans had never delved into the subject matter. That aside, there was the question of whether Caleb could be physically interested in Drow, at all. Far too easily, Essek could imagine a human, Empire ideals drilled into their head, incapable of finding someone like him appealing. But even if Caleb did have an eye for his kind, there was still that hurdle of gender. Essek had heard that Empire citizens commonly sought partnership with a member of the opposite gender. He could form a couple of theories about that, but he was a Graviturgist. The minds and sexual interests of humans were extremely distant to what he liked to contemplate.

And yet, there he was.

Staring into nothingness, contemplating the likelihood of a human being interested in him.  
  
He sighed again, even more exasperated this time, and continued to undress. Already, this idle attraction had gone too far. When Essek thought about why he’d taught Caleb a bit of Dunamancy, he really, really wanted to believe that the motivations had been purely strategic. But he found it rather difficult to honestly make that claim. More realistically, these other, personal intentions had played a role; at least in part. And that was dangerous. It was just a pretty, smart human. This should not be such an issue. Essek would not, could not, pursue him. He had appearances to maintain in front of the Nein. That included subtly maintaining influence and not creating a huge weak spot by bedding their wizard. Sex, simple and disconnected as it could be, was a recipe for disaster in such a delicate situation. And that was under the assumption that Caleb would react favorably to Essek’s advances. They could very easily be shot down, instead, tainting every consequent interaction with discomfort. More so if Widogast then chose to reveal Essek’s failed seduction to his peers.

No. Caleb Widogast was off-limits.

Satisfied with the conclusion he’d drawn for the millionth time, Essek dressed in comfortable light clothing. Decision made, he’d at least have a break from that line of thought for a few hours. Or so he thought. Because, well, would sex have to complicate things? There were no deeper emotions, after all. What if they made an arrangement? Or had just one fling? A tryst? Gods knew Essek could use a few hours of distraction and release. And, judging by how tightly wound Widogast was, he could use some of that, as well.

Completely wrapped up in the topic yet again, Essek stepped over to his bed and got comfortable on his back. Enough of this. He just had to begin his trance, forget about this nonsense. But his mind did not follow that command; his thoughts kept going as he laid there, eyes focused on a spot on his ceiling.

People had affairs and trysts and flings all the time that did not result in disaster, right? If he just had one time with him, it’d be out of his system. Probably. Maybe not? All this was Caleb’s fault, really. How he had appeared dressed in leather straps, properly displaying a vision of submission. And how, just that day, as Essek had entered the Nein’s abode, Caleb had bowed his head to him. It may have carried a hint of exaggeration or sarcasm, but the way he physically showed Essek respect… It was so simple, not even a stretch, to see him go further. To watch him sink to his knees in obedience, to do everything he was told without so much as a defiant glance. Or maybe Essek could just skip the ‘formalities’ and grab him, bend him over that table at his home, face down, over his notes, pinning him against the wood, looming over him from behind, listening to him begging with that Zemnian accent for anything that Essek would give him. He’d grind up against him, listening to his little pleas and moans and-

Fuck. Essek was hard.

He felt heat and arousal pool at his crotch. Biting his bottom lip, Essek reached a hand into his pants. He touched himself lightly, feeling how incredibly hard those brief fantasies had made him. He almost gasped at the sensation of his own fingers against his sensitive cock. Gods, he really was in dire need of some company. He pulled his hand away and turned to his nightstand to retrieve a small vial of oil. He slicked up his palm quickly and reached down past the hem of his pants once more. He felt a twinge of guilt and shame, indulging in these thoughts for as long as he had and now… indulging in another way, as well.

But that guilt was short-lived as he wrapped his slippery palm around his cock. As if commanded, Caleb appeared in his mind without Essek even trying to picture him. Essek would allow himself this. It was fictional, it was private, it would not have an impact on anything. So he permitted Caleb to intrude on his thoughts as he began to stroke himself, exhaling a low groan into the quiet of his bed chamber. He thought back to those leather straps and his imagination kindly put a collar around Caleb’s neck. Fantasy-Essek hooked his index finger into it and easily pulled Caleb close, pressing a hot kiss onto his lips. Caleb’s face was full of lust and want and with a simple command, he sunk to his knees to take Essek into his mouth.  
  
Essek gripped himself a little harder and began to build up a pace, coating himself in oil and precum. His panting grew louder.

His fantasy switched and he pictures Caleb, naked, on all fours on Essek’s bed, begging for him. He would grab Caleb’s hips and thrust into him roughly. Caleb would cry out loudly in pleasure and Essek could silence those cries with nothing but a word. He imagined the sensation, pounding into Caleb, like he wanted, needed; imagined Caleb’s gratitude for being filled up. That smart, sharp mind, reduced to a needy, lustful haze.

Essek increased his pace as he felt his muscles start to tense. He moaned. “Fuck…” His eyes were closed as he focused, as much as he was able to, on his fantasies. Soon, image after image of Caleb submitting to him passed through his mind.  
  
Caleb kneeling. Caleb adoring everything he did. Being treated like nothing and reveling in the feeling. Caleb in ropes, in chains, on the ground, on the bed, against the wall. Always demure, obedient, a respectful perfect pet. Essek’s pet. Caleb – fuck – Caleb with his mouth wide open, his eyes half-lidded and cum all over him. 

Essek came hard. His entire body tensed as he arched his back; he groaned loudly and gripped his cock, continuing to pump himself until he couldn’t take it anymore. His hand and pants were drenched, the rest of him covered in sweat.  
His eyes opened as his slick hand came to rest over his stomach and he stared up at the ceiling, panting, the images of Caleb still faintly on his mind. He flicked his clean wrist to cast a spell, cleaning up the rest of him. But quickly he found that he needed more. Like a cold bath. 

He sat up in his big bed and was overcome with a feeling of loneliness that mixed in with the soft, warm fuzziness of release and turned it cold and unpleasant. He was accustomed to being alone, working alone, just… spending a lot of time by himself. It hardly got to him anymore. He got up, he left, he worked, he came home, he tranced. But every once in a while, his bed felt a little colder, his entire home a little emptier than usual. 

He got up, pondering in another act of shameless self-indulgence, how, had any of the images in his head been real, he’d have Caleb with him right then, needing care, maybe reassurance. Maybe something else, Essek didn’t know. But he would provide.  
  
As he closed the door to the washroom behind him to take that bath, he couldn’t help but return to those earlier thoughts of his. Maybe Caleb was into him, too. Maybe he’d enjoy the idea of a mutually beneficial… well, a mutually beneficial fuck. 

Maybe… just maybe. He should proposition Caleb after all.

Or maybe that was just his still-horny, hazy mind making demands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this brief first chapter! Originally, I planned on leaving it completely clean but I have an 'explicit' rating to uphold. 
> 
> I'm not sure, yet, how closely I will stick to canon progression of time and what canonical events will happen and be referenced here and which won't. There's definitely going to be days inserted here and there to make it work.
> 
> Comments and kudos and all those delicious things are greatly appreciated!


	2. Get it together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek continues to be plagued by thoughts and comes up with a solution for his distracting problem.

The thought, against all rational odds, prevailed.

It had survived Essek’s bath, his trance and his travel to the Lucid Bastion. Entering the massive building, he had partially wished that in addition to magical warding, it was equipped with thought warding, keeping Caleb and all attached ideas on the front step. But he was not so lucky. Even in the presence of the most high-ranking individuals of the Dynasty, Essek kept contemplating the possibility of approaching him.

Maybe he would waste less of his mental faculties on it, if Caleb were easier to pursue. There were at least dozens of men in Rosohna, some of who Essek could list by name, which would be socially acceptable and uncomplicated lovers to him. Men who would throw themselves at his airborne feet at the mention of his status alone. But, naturally, Essek could not care less for them. No, he had his eyes set on someone wrapped in political strings, with powerful unpredictable allies and the title ‘Hero of the Dynasty’ stapled onto him by the Bright Queen herself.

No, Caleb certainly was not a simple matter. And that was not even mentioning the fact that the man himself appeared to be a puzzle. Layers upon layers of hidden motivations, strange quirks and secrets…

That coupled with Essek’s own social shortcomings, an actual plain conversation about anything other than politics or magic appeared impossible.

Essek had asked out people before. But it had been a different situation, a different lover and a very different Essek. Things from the past that now felt worlds away. Now, Essek only knew manipulation. Suggestive gazes, lingering eyes, precise emphasis on carefully chosen words – steps to attain information.

But, though manipulation and seduction were related, they were not one and the same and manipulation would not do for this. His interests had to appear very genuine – and, gods, they were – while he sought to keep at least some of his mystifying allure. For this conversation, he would have to be respectful, ensuring that a rejection would not encumber their professional relationship. However, at the same time, he had to make it _abundantly_ clear that his position and professional tether to the Nein had absolutely nothing to do with his proposition. Speaking of the Nein, he had not yet thought about how to handle the rest of them in either cases – an agreement or a rejection. Then there was the matter of establishing that this was not a method of paying back owed favors but an equal exchange… The amount of variables in this conundrum was vast. Essek loathed that he could not figure them out with the same ease as a magical theorem. He couldn’t just ‘solve for Caleb’s cock’, he had to-

“Shadowhand? Are you… Are you listening?”

Essek blinked. Right. His profession. Something very important to his being. He was supposed to be doing that. He focused on the source of the question, a Drow woman, a representative from an influential Den. Maybe not an individual to blatantly ignore in court. He tried to recall her reason for being there, but could only remember that she wanted to sort out some kind of matter. With Essek. He feigned mild offense at her question. “Of course I am. Please, continue.”

“Right. Well, I do believe that, seeing as the surrounding estates…” She continued to explain.

Essek was able to piece together the problem very quickly then. The question was who, by law, owned a specific building in Rosohna. Essek wanted to roll back his eyes and groan but he remained perfectly neutral in his presentation, paying attention in spite of his glaring disinterest. Matters of estate ownership were not his usual responsibilities – he was the _Shadowhand_ for Luxon’s sake – but his last name played favorably into this dispute between Dens. Deeming that to be the reason why he’d been assigned this particular nuisance, he begrudgingly accepted his responsibility. And pretended to be interested in this pointless squabble over an empty stack of rocks.

Not that he was in any position to judge this woman’s – or her Den’s – priorities. His own mind kept drifting back to fantasies that, in the grand scheme of things, probably mattered even less.

-

The feud over the house, Essek thought once it had been put to rest, could have been solved far more easily if the Dens had just spoken to each other plainly and directly. That would have had the added benefit of Essek never having to deal with it and it staying off of his permanently overfilled plate. Instead, he’d gone so far as to request decades’ worth of ownership records to solve the issue properly; like all of the Nine Hells would come upon them if the wrong Den laid claim to a lifeless collection of walls.

As Essek escorted the representative to the exit with insincere apologies about the unfortunate truth about her inquiry, he thought of all the things he could have spent that wasted time on instead. Like figuring out how to seduce- Like determining how to deal with the looming Empire threat in a manner that would please his Queen.

Essek wanted to drive his fingernails into his palms as he returned to the throne room. There was a lot the Bright Queen and other attendees of court did not know about him, but he had no doubt that she would be more than capable of reading an absentee mind on his face. He didn’t even want to consider what they’d say about him if they knew the thoughts his mind lingered on. How they’d blame it on his youth and inexperience, his first lifetime, how they’d feel validated in their initial underestimations of his capability. He would not give them the satisfaction. So he sucked in a breath, straightened his posture and thought of his tasks.

He bowed his head to the Bright Queen lightly in greeting as he approached her. “My Queen.”

“Shadowhand.” She acknowledged him and her gaze was almost tangible. Receiving no instructions, Essek raised his head and floated to assume his position in court.

He prepared himself for the scheduled hearings that day. For him those mostly meant remaining still and quiet unless he had to provide insights or information. It would be dreadfully easy for his thoughts to abandon the room once more…

-

Essek left the Lucid Bastion feeling strangely unaccomplished. He’d managed to somewhat tether his mind to his remaining tasks, but his thoughts were always on the verge of drifting off, dancing on the edge of dangerous territory.

He began the journey to his tower, trying not to contemplate how little attention he’d paid that day. At least the struggle to maintain his focus had left him with a decision. Before this attraction became obsession, he had to take action. He’d have to try, _somehow_ , to talk to Caleb.

In theory, this should be doable. It was just a question, really.

‘So. Widogast. I’ve noticed that I find you very attractive and I would much like to invite you into my bed and-‘

_Ugh._

_Ugh. Ugh. Ugh._

Essek physically grimaced. That was _just awful_. Perhaps it was a bit ambitious to load everything into a singular statement. He could not even imagine how it would feel for Caleb to be propositioned like that out of the blue, especially if all he wanted from Essek was information and magic.

No, Essek had to get a feel of where Caleb stood on the matter before he asked anything. Bring him closer to the possibility before offering the reality.

He’d need him alone, so he would go to the Xhorhaus and request to talk to him privately. He could then break the ice with some light, meaningless conversation. Perhaps he could make up some nonsense about wanting to see his Dunamancy student’s progress. He would be smart to have an excuse like that on hand, anyway, since the other inhabitants of the house would likely ask him about his reason for visiting.

Considering how Caleb’s face lit up at the mention of magic, he’d surely be pleased to talk about it at great length. That would be enough to allow both of them to settle into a comfortable flow of conversation. At that point Essek would begin to reduce the socially acceptable distance between them. It’d have to be subtle enough for Caleb not to address out loud, yet noticeable enough for him to at least subconsciously react to it. Essek would focus on reading Caleb’s body language. If it seemed positive, he could progress. He’d then introduce physical contact. Touching Caleb’s arm was a solid option. Chaste, yet, if done right, very meaningful. If this yielded a positive result, as well, Essek could take charge of the conversation and lead it to his proposition. Which was a flirtatious, well-worded suggestion about spending a night together.

The subject of the… power dynamic that Essek preferred could wait until after that night.

This was a huge step, already. And if Caleb flat out refused him, Essek would not want all of his cards on the table. He’d invite him to his home and they’d spend a pleasant evening together. If it was beneficial for both of them, Essek could potentially bring up his desires. But not before then.

He arrived at his tower. Yes, this plan could indeed work. He smiled a little to himself before opening the door.

-

Essek stood in front of the Xhorhaus the next afternoon.

He looked as polished as ever, but it had taken him three times the usual amount off fussing to get to a point where he could leave with a reasonably good feeling about his appearance.

Unfortunately, he’d already encountered the first hurdle in his plan. Planned-Essek had held his head high, was sure of himself and approached the Mighty Nein’s home in a dignified, calculated and above all _calm_ manner. That was the Shadowhand, after all.

Actual in-the-moment Essek, however, had trouble swallowing a clump of anxiety that had been growing in his throat all day. The thought of being rejected was far more terrifying now than it had been before. Part of him wanted to turn around and go home, suddenly finding the constant distraction to be less of a hassle. But he forced himself to stay put, merely working up the nerve to actually knock.

He also had not anticipated the silence. It was… oddly quiet around the building. He suppressed the desire to bite his lip. The Mighty Nein were by no means _obligated_ to be loud at any given time. But heavy silence seemed uncharacteristic for their home. He’d expect to at least hear Jester squealing or screaming or babbling from somewhere within. Now there was… nothing.

They could all be out. That would be embarrassing. Worse, they could be having a quiet discussion or strategy meeting. That would make Essek’s intrusion extremely uncomfortable, especially since the excuse for his visit – checking on Caleb’s Dunamancy – was flimsy at best.

Maybe he should- The front door opened with a chime and a squeak.

“Oh.” Caleb exclaimed.

Essek was, suddenly, face to face with him. His blue eyes were wide open and he blinked in surprise.

“A… Apologies.” He stammered. “I had not realized that… ah…”

Essek hoped that his own surprise didn’t show quite as clearly, though he much appreciated the look on Caleb. Just like his superfluous apology. “I was just about to knock.” Essek lied. “Forgive me for the sudden intrusion. Were you… about to leave?” He should have turned and gone home, after all. This was the worst time to enact his plan.

“Just a quick errand…. It can wait, though.” Caleb paused. “Ah, would you like to come in?” He stepped aside and opened the door further. Essek entered, self-conscious about keeping Caleb, yet also extremely pleased to be made a priority. The door shut behind him.

“It’s rather quiet today.” He pointed out, the silence feeling even heavier inside the house. It was a stark contrast to his last visit. He turned to Caleb who was fully dressed in coat, scarf and boots, ready to leave.

“Ja.” Caleb agreed. “Everyone’s out. Running errands. Shopping and the like.” Ah. So the best time to catch Caleb, not the worst. Essek made a mental note to offer up his thanks to any gods that may be responsible for this surprising stroke of luck. “You are welcome to wait here, if you like. Or, ah, if you prefer, I can ask Jester to message you when they’re all back. You must be busy … I do not wish to keep you.”

“Actually.” Essek spoke up, feeling that knot of anxiety again. “This is perfectly suitable for me. I was hoping to speak with you exclusively. Though, I will not impose if you have other things to tend to.” Caleb had made him a priority by letting him in, he did not expect to be asked to leave now, but he had to make sure.

“Ah, no. As I said, it can wait.” Caleb assured. “Well. What do you want to-“ He stopped himself. “Maybe not right here. Follow me, we can speak in the study.”

Essek followed Caleb. He had planned for the ‘getting privacy’ portion of his plan to be more difficult, but he wasn’t about to complain. How did that saying about gifted moorbounders go again…?

Why Caleb had so readily prioritized him over other matters, Essek could only guess. There was a strong possibility that Widogast was hoping for more spells. In that case, Essek would have to disappoint him. Disappointment was not a good taste to have in one’s mouth when speaking about matters of attraction. He should have had this in mind when plotting out this afternoon.

Caleb lead Essek through a few adjoining rooms back into the study he’d been in before. The memory of Caleb feverishly copying spells would have brought a smile to his lips if it were not for his well-trained neutral façade. As they arrived, he noticed the hesitation and pause in Caleb’s posture. He then turned to him. “Would you like to sit?”

It was oddly endearing and relieving to see Caleb struggle with the minor pitfalls of a private conversation. But he’d pictured this interaction standing up. Or… floating upright. “Thank you, I’m fine for now.”

Caleb nodded and shrugged off his coat and scarf to toss them over one of the chairs, mirroring Essek by standing, as well. Essek followed the garments with his gaze and his eyes landed on several study notes scattered across the table beside the chair. He pried eyes away, much to the dismay of his own curiosity. “Well. What did you wish to speak about?” Caleb finally asked. His tone was open and filled with genuine interest.

Right, yes. The lie. “I wanted to check in on the progress of your Dunamantic studies.”

Caleb shot him a questioning look and Essek made an effort to maintain his expression, all the while worrying that his lie had been too blatant to go unnoticed. “Well.” Caleb started. “I have not done much more on the subject since copying those spells, to be honest. If you are worried about me sharing this magic with someone-“

“No, no, nothing of the sort.” Essek insisted. “I merely know that Dunamancy is a bit… distant from the schools of magic commonly practiced in the Empire. I worried that you might be having difficulty grasping or controlling it. As you are my… student, in a way, I’d feel responsible if you were to cause problems with these new abilities.”

“Understood.” Caleb nodded. “If I have any questions or difficulty, then, I will seek you out.”

Well, that was… some development in some direction for sure. ‘You can come see me anytime.’ Essek wanted to say. He didn’t. “I would ask you to do that, yes.” He felt the end of the conversation approaching. This was a bit too quick, he hadn’t even gotten closer or gotten any read on Caleb’s intentions. He’d postponed his errand but that did not mean much when Essek didn’t even know the nature of it. 

“Thank you again, Shadowhand.” Caleb said and his head lowered just a little bit in respect. “For sharing this magic with me.”

“I am glad to share with someone like yourself.” That may have been too bold. Too obvious. Too quick. “It is refreshing to impart knowledge on someone who enjoys learning.”

He saw Caleb give him a very small and reserved smile. It was utterly stunning. “Ja. It is… I’ve taught Nott a bit of magic.” He paused. “Oh, not that that is of the same caliber as Dunamancy.”

Always so quick to make sure there was no offense. “I understand.” Essek soothed and made the very conscious decision to approach him just a little, emboldened by that smile. “Maybe there is some magic you could teach me, then?” Hm. That had come out a tad more suggestive than intended, but no matter.

Caleb stayed where he was, he might not have noticed that the movement had been deliberate. He laughed wryly. “Hardly. I fear all the tricks I have up my sleeves would bore you.”

He would have to push a little further to get a readable response. “Please.” He reduced the distance further. “Try me. I am sure you have… quite fascinating little tricks.” Essek had tried to keep those lower tones out of his speech, but they had snuck in anyway. He tried to lock their gazes together but Caleb broke that contact. Essek lingered, however. His heart was pounding away in his chest. He was being rather obvious at this point.

“Ah. Well.” Caleb glanced at him and Essek saw a pretty albeit faint red tint coloring his cheeks. That could be good or it could just be embarrassment. “What kind of tricks would you be interested in?”

There was absolutely no way that Caleb did not mean anything by that. Not with that phrasing. Not with that look.

Essek’s neutral expression broke as a smirk curled on his lips, drifting even closer. He decided to abandon his script, all of this had gone much quicker than he had expected but there was no way to go back now. A palm on Caleb’s arm would not match the current intensity of the conversation.

He reached out a hand from under his mantle and gently took hold of Caleb’s chin, feeling the stubble against his fingers. He lifted his face, forcing their eyes to meet. “Whatever you have to offer, Widogast.”

They were close then, their gazes locked, faces mere inches apart. Essek caught Caleb’s gaze trailing down to his mouth and his lips part slightly as though in anticipation. They were no longer on the same plane of existence as Essek’s initial plan. Essek found that he didn’t give a fuck.

He lingered, hand still holding Caleb’s chin in place, lightly enough for him to easily pull away. Essek still felt nervousness in his gut, but the tried to suffocate those feelings to fully savor Caleb’s shudder as his breath hung in the air between them.

“…May I kiss you…?”

The question was almost startling to Essek, partially because he’d expected to just close the distance himself. But he loved it. Caleb’s gaze was clinging to his every movement almost desperately and Essek found that he liked the attention. The question was sincere and there was desire in Caleb’s voice. “Please do.” He echoed the politeness.

Not wasting another second, Caleb leaned forward, touching his lips to Essek’s. Essek felt his heart jolt in his chest. His free hand reached up so that he could fully cup Caleb’s face with both of them and he felt arms around his waist. The kiss was gentle and explorative, a first taste.

Caleb pulled away from it as gingerly as he’d initiated it. Both of them looked at each other for a moment. Caleb’s face had taken on a delicious shade of red. He was eyeing Essek with an expression that was easily identified. Lust. _Utterly delightful lust._

Essek pulled Caleb close, kissing him more roughly. He kissed him with want and need, craving the connection. When he pulled away, he crushed back into him within a heartbeat, kissing him again and again and again.

Caleb heatedly returned every kiss, his hands clutching at Essek’s mantle. Essek gently pushed Caleb a few steps backward, both of them moving as a unit, until he was pushed against the edge of the table. Essek’s careful, plotting mind, abandoned him in favor of heated spur-of-the-moment decisions, dominated by a strong desire to kiss, touch, feel. Closer. More. More of everything. Gods, it felt so good to be kissing and to be kissed back with such need.

Essek dropped to his feet, deciding it was better to end the spell now than at an awkward moment later. One of his hands entangled itself with Caleb’s auburn locks and the other began running over his body, on a mission to explore, to touch. He felt Caleb pull him close, leaning on the edge of the table.

Essek could not help but smile into their kiss as he felt Caleb’s growing erection pressed against him through several layers of clothing. Delightful. Wonderful. Perfect. He adjusted his position to purposefully grind a leg against the hardness and Caleb groaned beautifully, breaking their kiss.

“Fuck.” He muttered with that pretty accent of his. He looked at Essek for a moment, face red, lips wet and a little swollen, hair already a mess.

“I intend to.” Essek chuckled before pressing his mouth against Caleb’s again. He sucked on his bottom lip and gently bit into it, continuing to grind into him. He felt his own erection against the confinements of his pants, begging for attention. Images and ideas intruded his hazy mind once again. How he could bend Caleb over this table, how he could make him beg for more, how he-

Essek moaned in a most undignified manner as Caleb cupped his erection through his pants. He had not noticed the hand sneaking under his mantle until he felt the pressure. Their kiss was broken, his eyes fixated on Caleb’s once more. Caleb moved his hand to rub Essek through his clothing, drawing another moan from his lips. As Caleb began to one-handedly mess with the buckle of his belt, Essek leaned closer to his ear.

„Kneel.“

The word escaped Essek’s lips before his rationality had a chance to catch up with his urges.

He froze.

Caleb did too. Essek leaned back a little. Caleb was staring at him with those piercing blue eyes of his, expression unreadable.

Essek, meanwhile, panicked.

Maybe… maybe it hadn’t sounded like a command. Maybe it had come across like a… friendly suggestion. No, he’d heard it, it still echoed in his head as an order. Okay, well, this situation had to be salvageable. Essek tried to conjure up methods of backpaddling. He could say he had not meant it. Or that Caleb should forget it. Maybe he could convince him that it was some form of Drow courtship ritual? … To kneel? Bullshit. Caleb was way too sharp to believe a lie that blatant. Had Essek really just fucked up all his chances with one word? Ease him into it. Breach the topic after at least one tame tryst. Yeah. Good going, Thelyss.

Essek opened his mouth to utter whichever excuse made it to his lips first, when all words died on his tongue.

“… As you wish.”

Caleb… obliged.

Essek observed as Caleb sank to his knees, maintaining their eye contact all the way down. He wanted to assure him that he didn’t have to do anything, but there was a boldness to Caleb’s gaze that deterred him.

Caleb only broke eye contact when he looked forward to shove the mantle aside and unbuckle Essek’s belt. Essek stared, almost mesmerized, not really trusting his eyes. A few swift hand movements later Caleb took Essek’s cock in his hand. Essek gasped at the sensation. Rough fingers gripping him.

Those fascinating blue eyes looked back up at him and though Essek saw satisfaction reflected in them, Caleb’s lips remained relaxed and neutral, as if avoiding to challenge him. Submitting to him. And oh, wasn’t that just perfect? Caleb opened his mouth and inclined his head slowly as if giving Essek time to withdraw his consent, which he did not intend to do. Instead, he displayed a toothy smirk as he looked down. “Well, Widogast? What are you waiting for?” He challenged.

In response, without a word, Caleb opened his mouth and planted his tongue on the base of Essek’s cock. Slowly, without breaking eye contact, he dragged it all the way to the tip, causing Essek to shudder. Caleb moved back down to the base, the tip of his tongue still trailing over the sensitive skin, before starting over. A slow, deliberate movement, coating Essek’s length in Caleb’s saliva. Essek failed to suppress a sharp inhale and closed his eyes as Caleb reached his tip once more, this time swirling his tongue around it before enveloping it with his lips and sucking. Essek’s hands searched for something to cling to and he found the edge of the table behind Caleb. What else was he supposed to do but cling to anything tangible when this beautiful human was at his knees, doing things to him that no one had in a long time?

Caleb continued to lick at an agonizingly slow pace. Essek suppressed as many moans as he could before risking another glance down. Caleb altered between licking, teasing Essek’s tip and kissing.

Essek felt himself craving more. More heat, more wetness, more movement, more _Caleb._

It came almost as a mercy when finally, fucking finally, Caleb opened his mouth wide. Essek looked down, feeling almost obscene, as his would-be lover took him in, his eyes flickering back up to briefly meet with Essek’s before closing again. A low moan forced its way out as Essek felt Caleb’s hot tongue and the warmth and wetness of his mouth wrapping around his cock. He breathed heavily, trying to maintain some semblance of control over his body. His grip on the edge of the table tightened, holding him steady. Essek wished he had more power over how evident his pleasure was, but at the same time, the way Caleb drank in each of his expressions was rewarding in its own way.

After lingering for a moment, Caleb began bobbing his head back and forth, continuing his too-slow pace at first, his tongue and lips rubbing hot against Essek’s length. One of Essek’s hands found its way to the messy hair on top of Caleb’s head, gripping tightly, almost desperately.

Not minding, maybe even enjoying the tugging, Caleb continued, going faster and harder with every repetition.

Essek’s eyes were shut tightly as he moaned and panted, his hand on the desk digging nails into the wood. He only realized how intense his grip on Caleb’s hair had become when he started to feel the strain in his knuckles. Afraid of overstaying his welcome, he loosened his fingers. But before he got a chance to withdraw, Caleb reached up, took his wrist and held it there for a moment.

Interesting. Essek took hold of Caleb’s locks again and his hand sank back down.

It took a lot of self-restraint to not grip Caleb’s head with both hands and plow into his mouth, but he knew that that act would be far more than Caleb had implicitly consented to, so he let the man on his knees continue to determine the pace, which he was building up nicely.

As the back and forth of Caleb’s head reached a considerable speed, Essek felt himself getting close, tension filling him and anticipation prickling at his nerves. He only thought to warn Caleb when it was too late. With a loud groan, he felt the exhilarating sensation of climax. He came into Caleb’s hot, wet mouth. Caleb took him in all the way, remaining in place as Essek pulled on his hair, muscles tensing as he felt Caleb swallow.

As his eyes opened again, half-lidded, he looked down, slowly easing the grip on the hair and desk once more. Caleb swallowed hard a second time before releasing Essek from his mouth and looking up again. He was a vision. His mesmerizing blue eyes, his red cheeks, that pink tint to his swollen, wet lips and, of course, the white drops that had managed to escape his mouth marking the space from his lips to his chin. Gods, how did Essek deserve this sight?

He wanted to praise him then. Tell him how good he’d done and how wonderful it was of him to swallow without being asked. But again, Caleb had merely, maybe on a whim, taken his command to heart. Essek didn’t want to risk making him uncomfortable, especially not when he was – very surprisingly – in this desirable position. And praise, even if intended as positive reinforcement, could come off as very condescending, as Essek had experienced more than once.

So instead he opted to give Caleb’s hair a gentle pet before removing his hand from it. He was still looking up at him from his knees and Essek realized that in his musings about their situation he had completely neglected to acknowledge his possibly-partner’s needs. That would not do.

Seeing as he wasn’t getting up on his own, however – and Essek made sure to take note of this and appreciate it – Essek took the initiative. “You know I can’t return the favor with you kneeling like this.” He teased. “Would you rather I didn’t?”

That made Caleb get up rather quickly. “Ah. Well, if you’re offering…” He muttered.

As soon as he stood, Essek gripped Caleb by the collar of his tunic, pausing to give Caleb time to refuse or withdraw or object. None of that happened. So Essek shoved him back a few paces, at an angle to avoid the table, until Caleb’s back connected with a wall and Essek was pressed against him, chest to chest. He enjoyed the feeling of Caleb being trapped between his body and the hard stone surface. He just needed to be sure Caleb enjoyed it too. “Is this what you want?” He asked before going any further. Sure, it was dirty talk, but Essek made sure to say it as a question that Caleb could say ‘no’ to.

“Yes, please.” Caleb breathed out, the warm moisture of his breath brushing over Essek’s lips.

The way Caleb said ‘please’ was beautiful. That Zemnian accent combined with the neediness and lust in his voice... He wanted to ask him to repeat it. To ask for it again and again, to beg. But he didn’t push it. Wordlessly, Essek continued. One of his hands moved down to grip Caleb’s cock roughly through the fabric of his pants. Caleb moaned loudly, leaned his head back in pleasure, the back of it resting against the wall.

Pleased by the response, Essek undid the front of Caleb’s pants and reached in, grasping and pulling out his erect cock. Essek was delighted to find it already leaking precum. Once again he wanted to say something. Tell Caleb how needy he was being, make him admit how much he craved Essek’s delicate fingers around his shaft. Once again he remained silent. But he imagined it, imagined Caleb begging and asking. Using that politeness that came so easily to him. Fuck, he was getting hard again just thinking about it.

Caleb was tense against him, muscles stiff in anticipation. Essek decided he had kept him waiting long enough. He began stroking Caleb, gently at first, and was rewarded with a beautiful little gasp. His other hand took Caleb’s shoulder to pin him against the wall, keeping him in place. Essek then gripped Caleb’s shaft more tightly and began to slide his hand from base to tip and back down, palm and fingers slick with precum. Caleb’s gasps turned into moans and his hands began to search for something to hold onto. He found Essek’s mantle. Essek kept going, sliding his hand up and down, enjoying the feeling of Caleb’s cock in his palm. He watched Caleb, his expressions, the way he tensed, what made him react; he made it his task to find all the little movements that would pleasure Caleb the most.

After a few thrusts he slowed down again, his movements becoming lazy as his smirk turned into a grin.

“Fuck!” Caleb exclaimed. “Don’t stop.” He breathed. “P-Please.”

Wonderful.

“Because you asked so nicely.” Essek cooed and kept going at a faster pace, feeling Caleb’s hips jerk forward once or twice as he failed to control himself.

Essek continued pumping Caleb, listening to his moans, watching his gorgeous facial expressions and reveling in every second of it. He felt Caleb tense up further before a shudder rocked his entire body and a loud groan escaped him. Caleb climaxed, drenching Essek’s hand and part of their clothes in cum.

As Caleb panted heavily, leaning fully into the wall, Essek let go off him and took a step back. Caleb looked at him then, cheeks bright red, breath heavy. He still looked absolutely stunning.

A moment passed as they looked at each other. Then another. The lust-fueled haze seemed to leave both of their minds slowly, forcing them to realize how they’d just crashed through a million boundaries in a manner of minutes. Essek waved his hand in a prestidigitation spell to clean and tidy both of them up.

He felt worry form in his stomach. Attraction or no, he’d meant to slowly introduce a physical element to their relationship. With careful consideration. And planning. And ensuring that, if Caleb wasn’t on board with it, that they could at least continue their previous relationship. The last thing Essek had wanted was to risk alienating a potentially like-minded individual because he was horny.

Well. Great.

Caleb was the one to open his mouth to say something. But before he got the chance to break the silence, both of them heard the front door of the house slam open, complete with chimes ringing.

“CAAAYYYY-LEEEEB, we’re home!” Jester yelled in a sing-songy voice.

Essek and Caleb shared a tense look.

“We have to talk about this.” Caleb choked out as he went over to quietly shut the door to the study to buy them maybe a few seconds. “Just-“

“Not now.” Essek nodded. He pressed his lips together. As per usual, one couldn’t really plan for the Mighty Nein. “When we get a moment.” He added.

“CALEB?!” Jester shouted again. “Everything okay?! I know you’re home!!” They heard her footsteps approach.

“Ja, I’m fine!” Caleb shouted back, but the sound of footfalls didn’t stop. “Maybe they should not… see us.” He said quietly and Essek noticed him eyeing the window, and then a door that was slightly ajar and Essek realized that he was seeking an escape route for him. Right, the Nein, Jester especially, would be less than discrete about their (for once correct) suspicions about what had just transpired in this room.

“I will see you, then. To… discuss.” Essek announced as he prepared to cast his teleportation spell.

Caleb relaxed upon seeing him cast, abandoning his quest of finding an exit. “Yes.”

“Soon, I hope.” He added hesitantly before muttering the incantation and vanishing right after he’d heard Jester’s steps reach the door.

And then he stood in his tower, still overwhelmed by what he had just done, by what _Caleb_ had done and feeling dozens of conflicting feelings at once.

As his mind began to process and unravel everything, a realization hit him.

He’d just wasted a very powerful spell to avoid a walk of shame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a question: Considering it's Essek, would it have been a float of shame...?
> 
> Welp, that sure did escalate. That also got way longer than I originally anticipated. 
> 
> Thanks for the lovely comments on the last chapter! Those are always appreciated.


	3. When we get a moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek finds himself in a test of patience.

It took about two days for Essek to process his and Caleb’s encounter.

He’d find himself not fully believing that it had been real several times, wishing for nothing more than confirmation of some kind.

Unfortunately, his stroke of luck had apparently ended in that study, seeing as the Mighty Nein had left Rosohna the following day. Without him having another chance to get Caleb alone. They would be back, of course, but when? The note he’d left things on with Caleb made his stomach sink. Yes, there had definitely been reciprocation in the moment, but now there was ample time for Caleb to fully contemplate what had happened and to dissect Essek’s behavior. Out of nowhere, Essek would remember the afternoon and feel self-conscious about what he’d said, what he’d done, how he’d acted or how he’d left. His phrasing, his movements, his very existence in that moment became subject to Essek’s own scrutiny… and surely, Caleb’s as well. It made him want to crush his own head in. 

After those two days, to continue one of his larger research projects, Essek had gone to the Marble Tomes Conservatory to look for a book. While approaching a particular row of shelves he thought about how this quest would at least momentarily distract him from his uncomfortable thoughts. He’d just found the right aisle, when, jarringly, a familiar upbeat voice rung in his head.

“Quick question! Do you know anything about a big tree in the Barbed Fields? It’s really big. Have you heard about it? What’s it do?”

The _Barbed Fields_? Just what were they getting themselves into? He, of course, knew the tree Jester was speaking of. Downplaying any curiosity he might have felt about their exploits, he worded his response: “You have made it to the Arbor Exemplar. That’s impressive. It is also very deep in dangerous terrain. You’re doing me proud.”

Essek paused for a moment to see whether she would send him another message. She did not. He deflated a little, though he should have expected as much. He looked back up at the shelf he’d pinpointed, searching the book titles.

The Barbed Fields… grave to many overzealous explorers. He narrowed his eyes at the books, staring at them without reading their titles any longer. He was not sure where the Nein were headed but it could be a while before they returned. _If_ they returned. Suddenly his fears of Caleb rejecting him morphed into something else, something darker. He suddenly worried that Caleb would not be able to reject anything anymore. After all… _Essek_ wouldn’t traverse those fields and he was considerably more powerful.

Essek blinked. He _worried._ That. Hm. Okay.

Well, obviously, he’d worry. He’d already deemed Caleb a rare like-minded match to himself. It would be a shame if he were to expire somewhere out in the middle of nowhere. And the Nein as a whole were valuable assets. His Den had gifted them a home and they’d grown a tree on top of it. It would be terribly obnoxious to have to deal with removing that should the Nein be unable to return. Just another mess for him to take care of.

Refocusing, Essek found the book he’d been looking for and pulled it from the shelf. Then he turned around and headed to the doors. He paused at the exit. Trying not to acknowledge his own foolishness, he went to another shelf, picked out a book about the Barbed Fields and left the building.

-

The further wait was agony. And Essek was a patient individual.

He pretended not to notice how he’d slotted his schedule full of appointments and tasks since the Mighty Nein had left, as though trying not to give his mind room to breathe. Or how he’d draw out his research even longer into the nights. He loathed the net of uncertainty he was caught in. Despised how there were countless possible outcomes to the current situation.

He tried smothering any thoughts about Caleb even more than he had before. It was one thing to think about a man who seemed unattainable and a whole different thing to contemplate someone who might already be dead. Not to mention that, if he still was perfectly fine, he could by then have long come to the conclusion that Essek was to be given the cold shoulder and a good amount of distance. And that their shared moment had been a transgression, nothing more.

Would they contact him if Caleb died…? If any of them were in trouble, really…? To ask for help?

No, of course not. Why would they?

He desperately tried to push away his thoughts - about the Nein, about Caleb. But when he leaned back in his chair, his gaze leaving the paperwork, he couldn’t forget keen blue eyes and the sound of that lovely accented voice.

No. None of that. Back to work.

-

It was a huge relief to see the Mighty Nein marching into the throne room of the Lucid Bastion.

The doors opened and they stepped inside, obviously weary from their travels. Essek maintained an air of practiced indifference as he felt days of tension leave his shoulders. He allowed his gaze to drift over all of them, noting the absence of one, and lingering on Caleb. He was alive. Essek tried to meet his eyes subtly, but Caleb never so much as looked at him. Essek tried not to read too much into it as he thought about how that probably meant that Caleb resented him.

But… the entire group seemed terribly on edge. This estimation was soon confirmed by them. Unfortunately, their journeys had not gone well and they came back missing a companion and bearing alarming news. Their audience was the first one that Essek had been truly interested in for quite a while and he paid attention to every word, every gesture to ensure he did not miss a thing. He volunteered his services to get them where they needed to go, while secretly hoping that they would stay in Rosohna or at least a bit.

Caleb looked… weirdly lost. Tense. Essek wanted nothing more than to approach him, grab his arm and tug him aside to keep him for himself. But noticing the atmosphere, how Caleb acted and the struggles they had all apparently been through, Essek could tell that it might be another while before they would actually get to talk about what had happened. Which was… an uncomfortable annoyance.

All to soon Essek had to watch them leave the room again. It was infuriating. Caleb was so close, and yet Essek could do nothing but maintain his position and observe as the Nein walked out, perhaps not to be seen for days again.

Or… less than that.

About an hour after the Mighty Nein’s audience, Essek was leaving a different chamber from a private conversation he’d entered shortly after the last of their adventuring guests had left. The discussion had been about the allocation of several Dynasty resources that were within his responsibilities. At least a somewhat interesting subject. He only got a couple of feet away from the chamber exit when one of the guards approached him. “Excuse me, Shadowhand.”

Essek halted. “Yes?”

“One of the lot who returned the beacon is here to see you.”

Essek’s heart leapt. He swallowed. “Which one?”

“The male human.”

Essek had to keep himself in check as excitement swelled in his chest. “Ah. Very well, where am I to find him?”

“Out front.” The guard explained. “He approached about half an hour ago.”

 _Half an hour?! They had been letting him stand there for 30 minutes?!_ “Right. I will see to the matter. Thank you.”

The guard bowed his head briefly and withdrew. Essek floated elegantly and patiently down the hallway. Once he’d turned the corner and found the next one to be empty, he doubled his speed. By the fucking light, Caleb had been left waiting for 30 Luxon-forsaken minutes. It would be a miracle if he was still there. He wanted to smack that guard, though of course he knew that they had strict orders not to disturb people like him in private conversations. He slowed down to a socially acceptable hurried pace when he came into view of others again and exited the building.

Caleb was standing there. By himself. He seemed… off. Pacing around, fidgeting, being all around even more agitated than he had been during the Nein’s audience with the Bright Queen. Essek suddenly felt anxious. Surely, he would not be intending to have this discussion out there in the open. But as the thought crossed his mind, Essek felt that the discomfort almost visibly radiating from Caleb was not because of that. It seemed… darker. Caleb appeared different, somehow distant. Essek had noted a … haunted quality in him before, but it had been more subtle. Now, he was barely present and his nervous ticks were unmissably strong.

Well, he had no time to analyze it, having a reputation for efficiency to uphold.

“Hello.”

-

Essek re-entered the Lucid Bastion only a few moments later. All Caleb had wanted was time to talk to their prisoner in the future. There was no mention of speaking again in private later. No subtle hints about what had transpired between them and for a few seconds Essek even believed that he might have dreamed the entire thing, after all.

Yet, there was something unspoken there. It just seemed that while Essek was uncomfortably aware of it, Caleb, in that current mental state, was not. He’d been rambling, asking for a favor that did not require Essek to do much of anything. That demure, obedient demeanor Essek was so keen on was still there it was just coupled with… instability. It was worrying and Essek was surprised to notice that he wanted to comfort him.

Essek had wanted to ask him to come to his study or to see him at his home or anything of that sort, but they had been out in the open and the moment was not right for it. Still, it stung that Caleb did not so much as make a veiled comment. It appeared that, after days apart, Caleb had become entirely uninterested in him and pursuing whatever could have started that day in the study.

-

Essek stayed late at the Lucid Bastion that evening. In part because of the sheer amount of work he had to get done – he regretted adding even more to his schedule. But it was also to keep himself purposefully busy and occupied, lest his thoughts drift back to his and Caleb’s conversation that day. As the hours dragged on, more and more court attendees left, the halls of the vast structure becoming quiet. Essek usually relished the peace but now it bothered him, as it freed up part of his attention to think about Caleb.

There was also the problem that a lot of his work was at home in his towers, so he’d have to go there to continue sooner or later, anyway. With that in mind, he decided to, finally, leave. He’d barely left the grounds of the Lucid Bastion when-

“Shadowhand.”

_What now._

He turned to look at the source of the voice, head held high. He blinked in surprise when the speaker came into view.

“I am sorry.” Caleb said. “For approaching you like this.”

The first question that entered Essek’s mind at that was, strangely, ‘ _How long has he been waiting there?’_ Though the darkness was everlasting in Rosohna, there was no way Caleb didn’t know that it was late. “No worries.” Essek soothed, leaving the burning question behind. “I… did not expect you.” He cleared his throat, ignoring the conflicting feelings of joy and hurt in his chest. “Was there anything else you required?” He asked with false indifference. He was not about to let Caleb know just how much he’d been on his mind.

“…Yes, I-“ Caleb averted his gaze. “You. I was…requiring-“ He shook his head. “Could we talk? I-In private somewhere?”

Essek followed Caleb’s nervous glance about. Puzzled, but intrigued, he nodded. “Come.” He simply ordered and started ahead. Part of him wished he would be less pleased by Caleb obediently trailing behind him. But no matter how much satisfaction it gave him, anyone looking at them might deem it weird, so Essek waited for Caleb to walk beside him instead. Against his better judgment, he started to lead the way home.

His heart was thrumming in his chest. Was Caleb going to ask more prisoner-related favors? Was this, after all, the long-awaited conversation? Something else? Essek was not prepared for it, whatever it was and he did not like it. If Caleb had been his, he’d berate him for his impulsiveness, his attempt to control the situation, make him admit that he just craved Essek’s presence and- Caleb was _right there._ If it was ever _not_ the time for those thoughts, _this was it._

Essek risked a glance and found Caleb walking beside him quietly and fidgeting nervously with the hems of his sleeves. He thought about saying something but he had no idea what he could say. Anything he wanted to ask would have to wait for his towers. But the silence between them was heavy and uncomfortable and seemed to increase in weight with each of Caleb’s steps.

“I… have to apologize to you.” Caleb finally spoke up.

“Oh?” Essek exclaimed, pretending to be disinterested.

“Ja, we… I did not intend to leave. Like that. Things were urgent and important and I could not leave the group hanging.”

Essek glanced about. The streets were relatively empty and no one appeared to be paying attention to them. ”You are free to go wherever you please.” _And wasn’t that just a shame_.

He noticed Caleb deflate beside him. “I am…. But I suggested we talk. And then I ruined that.”

‘I have no idea what you’re talking about’ an especially touchy part of Essek wanted to say, but he refused to give into that desire to fuel the flames.

“And today… I requested that favor about the Scourger.” Caleb continued. “A-and that is important. I was very focused on it that moment… As I explained, it… they have some connection to…. Who I used to be, I suppose.” He took a deep breath. “In that… mindset… I shut out all….”

“Distractions?” Essek offered.

“No.” Caleb shook his head. “All… other pursuits.”

 _Pursuits._ Interesting choice of words. “Right.” Essek replied, masking his relief over the apology with more indifference. There had been no disinterest, no malice, no intention behind Caleb’s actions. “Is this everything, then?” He asked and it came out significantly sharper than it had sounded in Essek’s head.

“Ah. No. But the rest…” He paused. “The rest is making good on that request to talk. About… matters.”

 _Oh._ So it _was_ about that. “… Good.”

With Essek’s mind already reeling, they finally reached his towers. “Is this… your home?” Caleb asked gingerly and with an endearing tone of awe.

“It is.” Essek confirmed as he lead him up to the front door. “I trust you keep this information to yourself.” He said pointedly. “This is the best place to truly talk in private.”

“My lips are sealed.” Caleb promised and Essek wished to tell him how they would not be for long if he had anything to say about it, but quickly abandoned that thought. He once again chided himself for the direction his mind took so impulsively.

He opened the front door for them and allowed Caleb to walk inside first. He then entered himself, shutting the entrance behind them. “Follow me.” He ordered and began making his way through the room.

“Ah. I…” He turned to see Caleb fumbling more with his sleeves. “Is there any light? Or, ah, do you mind if I make my own?”

Right. Human eyes. “I do not mind.”

Instantly, Caleb summoned four orbs of light that hovered in the air. Now able to see, he craned his neck around the room, eyes wide, taking it all in. “This is a stunning structure…” He said, that awe returning to his voice as his gaze swept over walls, stairs and doors.

“Thank you… Shall we?” Essek pressed. It wasn’t as if Caleb’s amazement was not something that he could observe for hours, but he grew more and more anxious for the impending conversation. After receiving a nod, Essek proceeded to float up the stairs with Caleb following behind him, still looking around. This part of his home should not contain any sensitive information, so he permitted Caleb to take it all in.

They arrived in a room with a small table, some chairs and sofas and a bookshelf containing some easily digestible fictional literature. Essek referred to it as a ‘sitting room’. It was the type of room where one could bring guests for a non-formal setting, especially if their visit was unannounced. Not that Essek ever had those guests. Or… guests, at all.

“Please, sit.” He gestured toward a couch and Caleb walked over to it and took a seat, his fingers still messing with his sleeves. As he sat down, Essek took note of his leg wiggling quickly with his heel bouncing up and down. He was nervous.

And Essek was, too. Caleb could not see it, he was sure, but he felt anxiety tease at his nerves. With a snap of the fingers, he swiftly illuminated the room with candle light, making Caleb’s spell obsolete.

“Oh. That is a very nice trick.” Caleb announced and dispelled his light.

“Would you care for something to drink?” Essek offered, fully hoping for a ‘yes’ because he was certain he could not maintain his cool for another minute without a glass of wine.

“Gladly.” Caleb nodded, shooting him a brief smile. He still seemed shaken and distracted by the day’s events, but he was there and wanting to talk and, even if it was just to take his mind off things, Essek would happily entertain him. Happily or… anxiously. Probably both.

Essek interpreted the desire to drink as a positive sign. Caleb probably wasn’t bent on leaving as quickly as possible if he was going to have a drink. “Very well. Stay here. I will be right back.” Essek left, retrieved a bottle of wine – probably too fine for the occasion – with two fancy glasses and returned, sitting down in a chair opposite from Caleb as not to encroach on his space. He uncorked the bottle with a, mercifully, somewhat steady hand and poured them both a glass. Picking his up, he resisted the overwhelming urge to down it in its entirety immediately.

“Danke.” Caleb said as he picked up the unclaimed glass and Essek found the sound of Caleb’s native tongue pretty in his voice. “Thank you.” He then added, as if to ensure that he was understood.

Essek nodded in acknowledgment, swirling the liquid in his glass around before taking a sip. As he tasted it, he remembered that this bottle had been given to him by a would-be suitor he had detested with all of his being. A pretty man, certainly, but pretty stupid, too. He smiled to himself very faintly at the irony of sharing this particular drink with the much smarter much more alluring individual on the opposite couch. “So…” Essek raised his voice. He hoped the wine would win against his nerves soon. “You wished to speak.”

Caleb’s eyes flickered up from his glass to look at him. “Right, yes… I… I am relieved to finally have this conversation with you.” He looked back down. “It would be a lie to say that I haven’t thought about… ah… our… encounter.”

Straight to the point. _Thank the gods._ Essek could not have taken a drawn-out preamble. He took another sip from his glass. Though, sip might be a nice term for the sizeable gulp that poured down his throat. Fortunately, Caleb was way too busy staring down his beverage to notice Essek clinging to his glass and drinking like a dehydrated desert traveler. “I suppose it would be prudent for me to know whether that is a positive or a negative thing.” Essek felt that, even for him, that statement had come out sounding unnatural and stiff.

Caleb was the one to drink at that. “Positive.” He said with determination. “At the… risk of… fucking things up… I’ve been thinking that… I… would like to repeat it. Sometime. I do not know how it… went from talking about magic to… ah… _that._ But I cannot say that I regret that it did. At all. No, I would … really like for there to be another… moment… like it.”

Essek could not hold back his smile as joyous warmth spread through his body. And not just the intoxicating sensation of his beverage. “Ah. Would you now?” He challenged, feeling as through a mountainous weight had just been lifted from his shoulders.

Caleb looked back up at him. “Have sex with an attractive, powerful wizard? It came as a shock to me, as well.” He said with humor.

The flattery stroked Essek’s ego very nicely. The boldness was surprising but not unattractive in the slightest. Essek would love to challenge it. Dare him to say such a thing while pinning him down. Ask Caleb to risk another challenge while gripping his- Essek set his glass down gently. This was not a desired side effect of his wine.

Caleb followed this motion with his eyes and Essek saw him grow more tense. “If… if you wish to simply return to our… professional relationship, however.” He cleared this throat. “I will not bother you with any… untoward advances.”

“As though I would let you slip through my fingers, now.” Essek said, leaning back comfortably in his chair. “I enjoyed our little tryst, as well. And I would not be opposed to… indulging in more of that with you.” That was perhaps the greatest understatement he’d made in a while. But he had his mind set on maintaining at least some dignity by not begging for sex. No, if Essek had his way, the begging was going to come from a different direction.

Caleb stared at him with wide blue eyes. Surprise was evident. For a moment, Caleb appeared to space out, as if Essek had just given him access to a special privilege. Which, in a way, he had. He basked in the reverence with which Caleb seemed to treat this offer. Caleb’s clear assumption that Essek had not been interested was surprising, however.

“You don’t have to look at me like that.” He pointed out and smirked. “It is like you said. Sex with an attractive, powerful wizard is a very desirable way to spend one’s time.”

Rather than ceasing to stare, Caleb’s eyes seemed to assume the size of a celestial body as that beautiful red tint crept across his cheeks. Who in the world had given him permission to be so pretty? He cleared his throat, pulling himself out of his trance-like state, and looked back down. “Then… we… want the same?”

“Perhaps.” Essek’s smirk faded somewhat, but he shot Caleb a look as though he was ready to leap across the table onto him. Which… for better or worse, was not far from the truth. Just those few days had left him aching for, _craving_ this man’s touch. He leaned forward. “There is… another thing. Something that, if we are to have more of these trysts, we cannot ignore.”

Caleb bit his lip and Essek assumed he knew exactly what still hung in the air in between them, unaddressed. Yet, Caleb remained silent, as if embarrassed about it. Perhaps in retrospect, he was not interested in being commanded, after all, and just wanted Essek without those elements tacked on? Essek could do that, he supposed. Though considering how absolutely breathtaking Caleb was when he was being submissive, it would be rather disappointing.

“Unless you’d prefer we ignore that part. And never speak of it again.” Essek tested.

Caleb looked back up at him then. “No. That is not what I … I would like to continue with… that.”

The corners of Essek’s mouth curled upward again. Oh, how had this day become this great? What blessed luck had placed this man, this _perfect_ _match_ before him? That sentiment alone was enough for Essek to warrant further probing and teasing. “’That’.” He echoed. “And what is this ‘ _that’_ that you would like to continue with?” His eyes were fixated on Caleb, whose flushed cheeks only became redder.

“I…” Caleb swallowed hard. “I want you to… I would like…” He stammered. “Please.” He started over and lowered his head. “Command me like you did before. Treat me…” He paused. “… I want you to treat me as though you own me. As if it was my sole purpose to … serve you. I want to be at your mercy. Be… beneath you. I want to be commanded as though the only thing giving me worth is how useful I can be to you.” He took a shaky breath. “Please…” He added quietly.

In none of Essek’s _dreams_ had Caleb ever said anything like _that_. He felt his own cheeks heat up as he regarded him. Though his warm face was no match for the heat traveling down to his crotch. He raised his voice with every bit of self-control he could muster, which, incidentally, was also what he needed to not pounce on Caleb like a beast. “Oh, _that_ is what you want.” He mused. “Well, you are quite lucky then.” He saw Caleb look up at him. “I find the idea of owning you quite pleasing.” Oh, look, Essek had topped his previous understatement with a new one. “I will allow you to serve me.”

He heard Caleb exhale a breath he had apparently been holding.

“Aren’t you grateful?” Essek asked.

Caleb’s eyes went wide again. He lowered his head further. “Yes. I… thank you.”

Essek grinned to himself. This was going to be _delightful._

There was nothing he wanted more that moment than to get up, grab Caleb and take him to his bed chamber immediately. However, he knew better than that. “I’m teasing, Caleb.” He explained. “We’re not quite there, yet.”

Caleb looked back up at him with questions written over his face.

“Before we can engage in that type of … relationship, I need to know exactly what you like.”

“Ah.” Caleb relaxed. Somewhat.

-

Essek watched Caleb put on his coat.

He had placed it over the back of the sofa along with his scarf as Essek had left to find something to eat a little while before. Essek’s own mantle was neatly folded over the arm rest of another chair, where he had placed it a little after Caleb had removed a layer.

He had not expected this conversation to take that long or be that detailed and, evidently, Caleb had not either. But once they had gotten over the inherent awkwardness of discussing something as personal as sexual preferences, they had been caught up in the flow of conversation.

Though surprising, Essek liked how easy it could be to talk to Caleb once he’d become comfortable with the situation he was in. And it had been a conversation on an equal level. After all, Essek had no use for any information given through the filter of submission, since the entire point of that was to say things and provide responses that Essek wanted to hear.

Essek had, unsurprisingly, taken the lead to ensure that he’d have a comprehensive idea of what Caleb wanted out of this relationship.

Though he’d much hoped that he would get to enact some of their discussed subject matter that night, and he had seen that desire reflected in Caleb’s demeanor, as well, it had gotten really late. Caleb had already appeared tired when they’d met and Essek was feeling the stress of the day, as well. It would do neither of them any good to delve into their arrangement on the brink of sleep.

So Caleb put on his coat and scarf, ready to head to the Xhorhaus.

“What are you going to tell your group?” Essek asked, draping his mantle over his shoulders to traverse his home as he began to levitate to accompany his guest to the door.

“Well, I told them I needed some time when I left. Which was true.” Caleb explained. “I’m hoping they won’t ask me about what I did with it.”

Essek nodded, not quite certain he understood the dynamic of the Mighty Nein. He escorted Caleb out of the room. As they headed down the stairs he spoke up again. “Do you have any idea, this time, when we could meet next?”

Caleb visibly contemplated this. “I can’t quite say. There’s a lot going on. But… soon.”

Essek nodded. He’d prefer having a concrete timeframe, but he understood Caleb’s inability to provide one. They reached the front door. Essek thought for a moment and then reached out, grabbed Caleb by his collar with both of his hands and pulled him in to crush their lips together, not feeling right about just letting him go without a kiss.

Caleb startled initially, but then relaxed and reciprocated. When Essek pulled away as roughly as he’d pulled him in, Caleb asked. “W… what was that for?” As his cheeks flushed.

“Just a bit of motivation to return as quickly as you can.” Essek smirked at him and contemplated something. He didn’t know whether it was the tiredness, the wine or something else that made him feel bold enough to pull Caleb close once more, leaning into his ear, almost like he’d done when he’d uttered that fateful command in the Xhorhaus. “If you want to please me…” He whispered. “You won’t touch yourself until we see each other again. Your pleasure belongs to me now.”

He heard Caleb’s breath hitch before releasing him from his grasp.

“Do you know the way home?” He asked innocently as Caleb stared at him, his face bright red.

“J…Ja. I’ve got… a good sense of direction.”

“Perfect. Have a good night, then.”

Caleb swallowed. “You, too... Gute Nacht.”

Essek watched Caleb leave, staggering a little, for a couple of steps before he gently closed the front door, his home feeling empty yet again.

‘Soon’ better be ‘ _really fucking soon’_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, yeah, no actual ... action ... in this one, folks. Just a bunch of yearning. Don't worry, though, the next one remedies that, I promise.
> 
> Once again thanks for all the appreciation in the form of comments & kudos. Legit, I thought it was gonna be just me dishing this out for like one loyal reader, this is awesome.


	4. Soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up, kiddos.

_“Do you have any experience with this type of arrangement?” Essek leaned back in his chair._

_Caleb picked up a new way of fidgeting with his wine glass, beginning to twist it by its stem between two fingers. “Not… much.” He admitted hesitantly, gaze fixed on the liquid dancing vividly inside his glass. “There are some things that, ah, I suppose, fall within the realm of… this dynamic, which I know I enjoy… But, ah… There are many more I have not gotten to experience, yet. Though I can imagine liking some of them…”_

_Essek sensed that Caleb was not done speaking so he gave him time to continue._

_“It has been… quite a while since I have had a regular… physical relationship with someone… at all.” He volunteered._

_Essek decided against pressing on why that was. Caleb didn’t seem keen on discussing it. So he opted to continue in a different direction. “Was it with a man?”_

_“Ah… no.” The twisting stopped and Caleb raised his glass to take another sip. “But I have had experiences with men. … Before you, as well, I mean.”_

_Essek had assumed as much from their tryst. Caleb had shown no reservations about Essek’s gender. And he had been wonderfully capable with his mouth. “I see. And you have never really been dominated?”_

_“… No. There were elements. But never… like what you are proposing.” He began twisting the glass again. “What about you…?”_

_“I have had a few men submit to me before.” Essek said. “None of them were a permanent affair. And it has been a while… but I would consider myself experienced.” His gaze landed on the spinning wine glass in Caleb’s hand._

_Caleb nodded. “Were your previous partners all guys?”_

_“Exclusively.” Essek confirmed, eyes still on the glass. “So far I have only ever felt attracted to men.”_

_“Lucky me.” Caleb noted with some humor, looking up. The wine glass stopped its dizzying pirouettes once more._

_Essek met his gaze with a smirk. “Lucky both of us.”_

\---

‘Soon’ took a few days to arrive. Essek would have liked it to be soon _er_ , but at least this time he was not plagued by uncertainty, knowing for the most part where the Nein were milling about.

That… _and_ he had the thought of Caleb being hot and bothered to keep him company at night. He couldn’t be sure whether Caleb followed through on his command – and would not be upset with him if he didn’t – but his fantasy-Caleb refused to give in to his urges and that was enough for the time being.

Essek was in his home laboratory, placing a very precisely calculated amount of gold dust on a delicate scale, when he heard a ringing in his head. He’d set up an alarm in a perimeter around his front door to ensure he’d be aware when someone was approaching. And now someone was. And judging by the fact that they got to his front step unannounced, it probably was some high-ranking individual. Essek scooped up the gold dust back into its pouch with a sigh and gathered his notes to leave the room in a somewhat organized state. Not that anyone would be entering it. The last time someone except for him had set foot in this room must have been when another person had lived in these towers.

He began the descent from his lab and heard his door knocker pounding against the door. Though it was expected and normal, Essek felt irritated and rushed by the noise echoing through his empty home. As if to spite his visitor, he took his time, going to his dressing room and patiently putting on his mantle. He checked his appearance in the mirror, fussing with his hair only for a minute before he started to levitate and head down another flight of stairs. It was then that the second knock sounded and Essek tensed further. He had half a mind to just pretend not to be home. Though, if they were here they had checked at the Lucid Bastion and he was painfully aware that being anywhere else would be uncharacteristic for him.

So he headed to the entrance, forcing his face into a neutral and professional expression. He unlocked the front door and opened it and was met with regret for being deliberately slow.

Caleb was standing on his front step, fidgeting with his sleeves. “Ah, hello. Apologies for coming unannounced.”

He must have used some kind of trickery to get into this part of the Firmaments unnoticed… or someone just had a great amount of respect for one of the ‘Heroes of the Dynasty’ and had let him in. “No need. Come in.” Essek opened the door further. As he let Caleb step inside, he glanced around the street. There was no one there. Essek realized that his paranoia would be more suspicious than anything. They could just be doing magic that day.

“Thank you.” Caleb stepped into the entrance hall and Essek finally closed the door and turned to look at his visitor. Caleb looked good. Well, he normally did. Better than good. But Essek could tell by the neatness and straightness of his clothing that he’d put a little more time into his appearance than usual. It took a lot not to jump on him and Essek all but prayed that this was not merely a study visit.

“So… Widogast. What do you wish from me that you come seeking me out in my home?” Essek asked trying not to sound overeager. He noticed Caleb looking a little disoriented and remembered the sensory disadvantage. Essek illuminated the room with a swift motion.

Caleb paused for a moment, his eyes found a point on the ground to fixate on as he lowered his head. “If you… can spare some time for me... I wish to… serve you.”

Essek smirked as excitement fluttered in his chest. Before Caleb could see it, however, he took on a neutral expression. Essek began circling Caleb, examining him from every side. “You’re asking me to interrupt my work? Just because you’re needy today?”

Caleb swallowed, he bowed further. “Please. I… I’ve been craving your touch for days. I will do anything you wish… please…”

He approached Caleb and leaned close, murmuring into his ear. “Very well.” He noticed Caleb shudder and enjoyed the response. He then headed towards the stairs. “What are you waiting for? Come. Unless you’re expecting me to lower myself to fucking you on the staircase.” Essek wouldn’t be _entirely_ opposed to the idea.

Caleb immediately caught up, trailing behind Essek like a loyal pet as he ascended the stairs. He did not spare him another glance, simply leading the way with his head held high.

Though Essek could imagine about a million locations in his home to enact their little scene, he settled on simply taking Caleb to his bedroom. Caleb had admitted inexperience with this power dynamic and Essek wasn’t about to overwhelm his new lover by introducing too much at once.

Once they arrived, he opened the door to his bed chamber and headed in. It was a spacious room mostly furnished and decorated in dark blues and purples with light accents. Though there was other furniture, what drew the attention immediately upon arrival was Essek’s bed. It was large with dark, soft-looking velvety covers. In each corner of the bed was a pole that supported the frame and reached beyond, almost to the ceiling, where they carried horizontal bars that held onto thin, sheer curtains. All of them were currently bunched up and tied to the poles with ribbons that hadn’t been untied for months.

As Essek turned around to look at Caleb he could see the visible struggle to not look around the room. Endeared, Essek illuminated this one as well. “You may look around.” He permitted as not knowing the layout seemed to set Caleb on edge.

Caleb raised his head to examine the room. After taking it in for a few moments, some tension seemed to fall off his shoulders. Once he’d given everything at least a brief glance he looked at Essek. “Thank you.”

“Close the door.” Essek ordered and Caleb obliged. “Your coat and scarf, over there.” He demanded and gestured to a chair in the corner.

Hurriedly, Caleb took off the requested garments and put them over the chair.

“The holster, too. And your pouch.” Essek added, having forgotten about them until just then.

Caleb wriggled out of the harness, books still inside, and gently placed it on the seat of the chair. He hesitated a bit with his pouch as though the awareness that most of his defenses were contained within it dawned on him. The hesitation lasted only a moment, however, before he placed it on top of his books with care.

Once he was done, Essek beckoned for him to come back over and Caleb approached. Gently, Essek cupped his cheek. He tilted Caleb’s head upwards from its lowered position to meet his gaze. He ran a thumb over Caleb’s bottom lip slowly, enjoying the way those blue eyes looked at him with intense desire. Which reminded him…

“Have you been good? Did you touch yourself?” Essek pulled back his thumb.

Caleb shook his head. “I did not.”

Essek smirked. “Really? Were you not that excited see me again, after all?”

“I was looking forward to it every day. I almost… gave in.” He admitted, guiltily. “But I did not, I promise.”

“What a loyal pet.” Essek leaned closer, his voice now barely a whisper, breath ghosting across Caleb’s skin. “Did you think about me? Think about the things you wanted me to do to you?”

“Y…Yes…” Caleb shuddered again, a tremor rolling through his body.

“And what did you picture me doing when you were needy and hard?”

Caleb swallowed. “Ah… I… a lot of things…”

Essek chuckled lowly. “Creative, are we? Well, if you have your imagination, maybe I can just leave you to entertain yourself while I go back to work.” He released his face.

“Ah… please! … I want you to touch me.” Caleb lowered his head in respect again. “I… I _need_ it.”

“Hmm? That doesn’t sound very convincing…” Essek pondered out loud.

In response Caleb sank to his knees. His head was still lowered and he sat on his heels. “Please, Essek … I need to serve you. I need you to fuck me… I… I’ve been craving you since the moment I was allowed to suck you off. Please. I have been good. Please let me do more.”

“Look at me.” Essek demanded and Caleb tilted his head up. What a stunning sight, his cheeks red, his eyes filled with longing. “Such a dirty mouth….” Essek mused. “Very well. Since you obeyed so admirably, I’ll let you put that filthy mouth to use.” He could have sworn he saw a glint in Caleb’s eyes at the suggestion. Essek situated himself on the edge of his bed and beckoned for Caleb to come over.

Caleb made no move to get up, instead opting to crawl over to him with the desperation of a starving man being fed for the first time in weeks. Essek was delighted by the eagerness. His pants already felt terribly constricting against his growing erection. He parted his legs to allow Caleb to situate himself in between them. Caleb raised his hands to work on Essek’s belt but paused mid-air as he looked up almost sheepishly. “May I?”

Essek gave him a nod, hiding his excitement at Caleb requesting permission. “Be quick about it. I’m not going to waste time on you fumbling with my clothes.”

As requested, Caleb unbuckled his belt, unlaced his pants and pushed the garments out of his way with hurry.

Essek looked down at his pet. He’s been longing for this for days. Caleb was so gorgeous kneeling between his legs, looking up at him with apprehension and need.

“Suck me off.” Essek reinforced his previous demand. “Prove that you have some worth to me.”

Thankfully not wasting another moment, Caleb took Essek into his hand. He leaned in and began to give him long, slow licks from base to tip, lapping as if Essek’s cock was the most delicious treat in the world.

Essek leaned back on the bed, supporting himself with his arms to remain mostly upright. He looked down at Caleb, who then opened his mouth wide and took him in. Essek groaned as he felt his cock wrapped in Caleb’s hot saliva, enveloped further and further by Caleb’s mouth. An idea came to him. “Don’t swallow until I permit it.” He instructed. Caleb’s eyes flickered up to meet his and he gave a small obedient nod.

He then began the repetitive motion of bobbing his head back and forth, maintaining eye contact like he had back in the study. As Caleb moved his head at a slow pace, Essek imagined all the things he could do to him. The millions of possible ways he could have him. This was relatively tame, but it felt like a good introduction. No one would benefit from Essek bringing out the full force of his ideas and scaring Caleb off with too much too soon. He noticed he’d had a similar plan before, which fell apart spectacularly. This was different. Right then, Essek had a grip on the situation. Control.

Essek drew in a sharp breath as he felt Caleb’s tongue tease at his tip before Caleb resumed to bobbing his head.

He began to build up a steady pace, moving back and forth in a growing, constant rhythm. His eyes closed. Essek felt more and more saliva pool in Caleb’s mouth, enjoying the sensation, as well as Caleb’s show of self-restraint.

That was until he swallowed. Essek gasped as he felt Caleb’s mouth tighten momentarily with the reflexive motion. His hand shot out to grip Caleb’s hair, pulling him backward roughly, leaving Essek’s now fully erect cock in the cold air. Caleb’s eyes were wide open and Essek met them with his own narrowed gaze.

“I told you not to swallow. Your mouth is mine. Understood?” He scolded.

Caleb lowered his gaze in submission. “Yes… Forgive me, Essek.”

“If you can’t control your mouth, I’ll have to control it for you.” Essek said, secretly reveling in the way Caleb spoke his name.

He released Caleb’s hair and stood up. Caleb shuffled back a little to make room. Essek stood instead of levitating, quite literally keeping himself grounded. Feigning patience, he slowly undid the clasp of his mantle and put it aside neatly, not sparing Caleb a glance. He was full of anticipation and excitement, but Caleb would not get to see that. He was just there as a possession. Essek wasn’t going to reward him for his transgression by showing him appreciation or need. Once his signature garment was placed aside, he stepped before Caleb, who was still kneeling and waiting. Essek reached down and gripped Caleb’s hair. He tugged his head back, forcing him to look up. Caleb’s cheeks were flushed, his gaze still full of want. “Open your mouth.” Essek ordered and Caleb’s lower jaw dropped.

Essek took his cock into his free hand. After aligning himself just right, he thrust into Caleb’s mouth slowly, just to give him time to object in one of their agreed-upon ways. When he didn’t, Essek moved his hand to join his other on Caleb’s head, holding it in place. He continued to push himself in slowly until he hit the back of Caleb’s throat and drew out a small choking sound. It sounded wonderful. Caleb still did not object. He just held his mouth open, obediently taking whatever Essek was going to give. Caleb’s hands were resting in his lap, Essek had not given him a command to do anything with them.

“Maybe I should just leave you like this.” Essek considered loudly after pulling back out a little to allow Caleb to breathe. “Make you kneel like this for hours with your mouth stuffed until you’re drooling all over yourself.”

Caleb just looked up at him, seemingly ready for whatever Essek would ask of him.

Essek lingered on that moment for a few seconds longer. “Perhaps some other time.” He decided.

He pulled out as slowly as he had pushed in, practicing a decent amount of self-control to remain quiet. Then, without preamble he shoved himself into Caleb’s mouth roughly, hitting the back of his throat again, producing another delightful choking noise. Essek repeated this process a couple of times, pulling out slowly, almost gently, before slamming into Caleb’s throat. Caleb winced a little each time, but remained perfectly still otherwise.

Essek observed him closely – he truly was a beautiful sight. A surge of glee hit Essek. In that moment, Caleb belonged to him. This fascinating person, one of the smartest Essek had ever spoken to, was letting Essek thrust into him as though he was nothing. As though this was all he was good for. As if Essek _gave him purpose._ That was a powerful feeling.

Reveling in the control and power he was exercising, he increased his pace. His hands still held Caleb’s head as he took his mouth. It was like it was made for him, like all Caleb’s smart words were meaningless in comparison to this. To the heat and wetness he offered Essek’s cock. Essek groaned and his eyes closed as his thrusting picked up more speed. He thrust in almost violently, not giving Caleb any pause. Caleb took all of it, making those delightful little sounds and keeping his mouth wide open.

Essek’s grip grew tighter as he shoved himself in again and again and again. He couldn’t hold back his sounds anymore, moaning liberally as he got closer. He felt the tension of impending release build up and reduced his speed a little, wanting to draw out the moment for as long as he could. He wanted to thrust himself into Caleb for hours, abusing his throat until he couldn’t speak in anything more than a whisper.

But the built up tension of the previous days caught up to him. As he felt himself on the edge of climax, he thrust into Caleb’s mouth one last time with all of his strength before pulling out and releasing onto Caleb’s face. He groaned loudly, his toes curling in his boots, his hands clinging to Caleb’s head as though he’d collapse if he let go. For a split second he thought the roof had disappeared and he was looking at the false stars of the Rosohna sky. He savored the feeling, the moment, every single millisecond, wishing to stretch them into infinities. But reality won and the high subsided slowly into a comfortable warm glow. After a few moments of recovery, Essek looked down at his lover, still panting. He finally released Caleb’s head from his grasp, which had since grown weaker. “Look at me.” Essek gasped out.

Caleb seemed to snap out of some kind of trance and his blue eyes looked up more alert, seeking Essek’s.

_Fuck._ Caleb’s face was flushed brightly, beads of sweat covering it. His lips were swollen and red and still parted and Essek could see a mixture of his cum and Caleb’s saliva trailing down from them to Caleb’s chin, dripping onto his tunic. Caleb’s entire face was speckled with remnants of Essek’s climax. Essek’s breath got caught in his throat as he took in the sight. As if that wasn’t enough, Caleb looked so perfectly _satisfied_. “You may swallow now, if you like.” Essek permitted, recapturing control over his breathing.

Caleb’s lips closed and Essek’s eyes landed on his throat, as it moved with an audible gulp.

Essek placed a gentle hand on Caleb’s head, where he’d roughly gripped him before. He could see Caleb yearning to say something. “Yes, pet?”

“… Did I… make up for my mistake?” Caleb asked and Essek was delighted to hear a gravely roughness in his voice that had not been there before.

“Yes. You pleased me well.” Essek praised. “In fact, I believe it is time I reward your patience.” He removed his hand and flicked his wrist to magically clean himself and get himself in order, claiming a higher ground of Caleb’s disheveled and messy state. He fully intended to increase that perceived power gap of their appearances. He sat on the bed in a leisurely, yet controlled manner, still feeling warm and hazy. “Get up. Undress.”

Essek pretended like his sitting down was just a sign of dominance as he reclined while ordering Caleb around. In truth, it was much more fueled by a pudding-like feeling in his knees and the intense desire for Caleb to not realize that Essek was shorter than him without the levitation.

Caleb nodded and stood up. He seemed a little uncertain of himself so Essek offered more direction.

“Undress right there. I want to look at you as you do it.” He instructed and Caleb nodded. He was a little hesitant, still. But he was not objecting or asking to stop, so Essek did not retract his command. Instead, he added onto it, hoping to encourage his lover. “I want to see my beautiful pet, Caleb.”

-

_“Asking me to undress for you now?” Essek challenged. “That would be the other way around, Mr. Widogast…”_

_Caleb flushed red again and Essek felt victorious. But he offered no retort._

_“…Would you be comfortable with undressing for me?” Essek asked, noting Caleb’s silence. “... I mean I assumed you would be but considering our last tryst…”_

_“Well, not right now…” Caleb joked. “But, yes. I don’t have a problem with undressing. So long as … you don’t mock what I look like. I know that… demeaning language is… part of it, but…” He seemed uneasy._

_“It doesn’t have to be.” Essek shrugged. “I do not revel in the feeling of telling my lovers that they’re not beautiful, either.” An actual insult was still not the same as demanding and punishing language. It felt different to Essek and though Caleb’s uneasiness was somewhat worrying, he was glad that Caleb wouldn’t ask to be called hideous._

_“Good, I’m glad I wouldn’t be… taking something away you enjoy. Ah! There is something else.” He snapped his fingers in epiphany. “I wear this chain… Actually since you’re going to see I might as well show it, I suppose.” He put his glass aside, reached into the collar of his tunic and fished around. His hand returned to the light presenting a silver chain with a pendant._

_Essek leaned forward in curiosity. There were sigils inscribed on it, it seemed magical in nature. “I must warn you, charm effects do not affect me lightly…” He teased._

_“Ah, no, this is … well, if it’s okay I would tell you… maybe in the future. But it is something I would rather wear at all times.” Caleb tucked it back under his shirt. “I promise it has no negative effects on you. And nothing that would influence our… encounters. I won’t mind being told to take off my clothes, so long as this may remain on.”_

_Essek leaned back with the object of interest out of his sight again. A strong and intense desire to analyze it filled his chest. But he had to respect Caleb’s privacy. So he would. Yet, that pendant had seemed… oddly familiar. “Of course. I will not ask you to remove it.”_

_“Sehr gut.” Caleb nodded to himself. „Ah, that is… very good. I’m glad you understand.”_

_“Like I said. I will not do anything that we don’t both want.”_

-

The gentle instruction seemed to help as Caleb started to remove his remaining garments. He slipped out of his boots first, then his tunic. And finally worked on his pants and undergarments. He didn’t make much of a show of it, it was a very functional garment removal but Essek figured that that fell in line with his order. Moreover, considering Caleb’s almost desperate request to not be insulted for his appearance, he wouldn’t ask him to make undressing a performance. That felt like it would be straddling the line of discomfort a bit too much and really, Essek was already enticed enough by everything else Caleb did.

“Over there.” Essek directed as Caleb seemed to not know what to do with the discarded clothing.

Caleb brought them over to his coat as instructed. Once he was done he stood in front of Essek, a little ways away from the bed, awaiting his next instruction. The only thing left on his body was the silver necklace around his neck. Essek drank in the sight. The reddish hairs peppered across his body, his slim but clearly well-traveled build, countless marks of battle… Caleb’s body was a map. A story. Essek’s own skin was smooth with no marks or wounds. The contrast was stark. Obvious. And he adored it. Essek noticed that he found delight in each little imperfection on Caleb’s skin. It was so distant to Drow beauty standards, where complete flawlessness was the goal, but far more exciting. A million little spots and marks to uncover.

“Gods, you’re just a sight, aren’t you?” The praise escaped his lips involuntarily, but he did not let the spontaneity show. Caleb’s face flushed more. He made a strong mental note of having Caleb take off all his clothes _immediately_ next time. Every minute he could have been looking at this instead of clothing almost felt wasted. Well… not _entirely_ wasted _._

Looking him over, Essek’s eyes eventually - well, let’s be honest it didn’t take long - landed on Caleb’s erection. He grinned internally and considered possibility after possibility of how to reward Caleb for his, quite frankly, astounding patience. Also, he’d made up nicely for his earlier slip up by obediently letting Essek fuck his mouth until he was hoarse. Such a display could not go unnoticed.

Essek stood up again, using some of his gravity control to make it seem more effortless than it truly was. He was torn between actually levitating, which definitely did not have the same effect without the mantle, or standing, which might show Caleb’s height advantage. Then again, Caleb was looking at the ground and if they were to keep this a regular agreement – which, _dear gods,_ Essek _hoped_ – he’d figure it out sooner or later. So he stood, his legs no longer as shaky as they had been a few minutes ago.

He walked over to Caleb in a leisurely stride. “What to do with you…” He pondered loudly. He paced around his lover as if observing him from every angle and came to a halt behind him. Essek got close, reached an arm around Caleb’s body and took his erection into his hand. Caleb’s breath hitched. Already, Essek felt the sticky slickness of precum against his fingers. “How needy.” He commented, leaning up a little to get close to Caleb’s ear.

Caleb shuddered.

Essek teased at Caleb’s tip with his thumb, making him exhale heavily. “So pent up… Maybe I should just watch you satisfy yourself…” He continued to stroke. “But you held out so nicely… maybe you deserve a little more. Do you think you deserve a little more, my pet?”

“I…” Caleb swallowed. “I deserve… whatever you will give me…”

Essek smirked, knowing Caleb couldn’t see it. “Very well.” Essek released his grip on Caleb. “Go kneel on the bed. On your hands and knees. Facing away from me.” He ordered.

Caleb nodded and approached the bed. He crawled onto it, assuming the position Essek had demanded. His palms were planted on the sheets, as were his knees. Essek once again took his time to follow, hoping to make his lover simmer in anticipation for his touch. He stood behind Caleb, grabbed his hips and all but yanked him closer to give himself easier access.

Once more, Essek reached around his lover and took hold of his cock. He started stroking again. “This is what you want?”

Caleb groaned. “Yes… please… don’t stop…”

Essek started to move his hand from base to tip and back at a lazy pace, listening to Caleb’s heavy breaths and quiet groans. He looked at Caleb’s back, the was his muscles tensed, the way his body responded to Essek’s movements. He found it rather satisfying to observe the tremors and shifts that he caused with one simple repeated motion.

He continued with his slow pace that, Caleb, he was sure, found agonizing at this point, most likely wishing for much more after being patient for so long.

But Essek wanted to reward him with a little something extra.

He shifted around and with his free hand reached up to Caleb’s ass. He tested at Caleb’s entrance with one fingertip, causing him to twitch in surprise. “You didn’t prepare beforehand, did you?”

Caleb shrunk a little into himself and shook his head. “Ah… no… forgive me, I didn’t…”

Essek released his cock. “I did not ask you to, so I will forgive this.” He said mercifully. He reached out to his nightstand and produced a vial of oil. He felt almost gleeful about the fact that, for once, he wouldn’t be using it on himself. He returned to his position behind Caleb and slicked up both of his hands, placing the now half-full vial beside Caleb on the mattress. He reached around him again, taking his heavy length into his hand once more and continuing to stroke it way too slowly.

His other hand returned to Caleb’s ass, a now slippery finger probing at his entrance. Caleb groaned. Essek thought about how he’d much prefer just taking Caleb with his cock, but he neither was up for going again just yet, nor did he want to spend the time having Caleb prepare himself. He’d let his lover wait long enough, already.

So instead he pushed a finger in very gently, listening as Caleb moaned. Essek curled his finger, feeling his tightness and being rewarded with another delightful sound. His other hand pumped Caleb a little faster as he continued to curl and then straighten his finger inside. Essek slowly eased the agony of the slowness by increasing his speed.

Caleb’s moans became louder and Essek thrust his hand up and down harder and faster. His finger repeated the curling motion inside him more quickly.

Essek saw Caleb’s fists clutching his bedsheets as more and more beautiful noises came tumbling out of his mouth, filling the usual emptiness of the room with a bouquet of pleasure-filled sounds. Essek loved it. He loved causing Caleb to moan, loved how utterly and completely ready his new lover was to submit to all of Essek’s ideas and desires and loved to then reward him for that submission.

He tried to push a second finger in, but noticed the resistance. He released Caleb’s cock only to hear a needy whine. He was sure Caleb wanted to complain but he said nothing, just staying on his hands and knees with a slight shiver to his form. Essek took the vial he’d placed beside him again, opened it up with his thumb and poured the remaining liquid over Caleb’s entrance and his own fingers. He put the vial away as he teasingly wriggled his finger, causing Caleb to gasp. _Much better._

He took Caleb’s erection into his hand once again and continued thrusting where he’d left off. He then slipped a second finger inside, drawing an especially loud moan out into the room as he curled both digits. Caleb began to move his hips, thrusting into Essek’s hand. While Essek enjoyed how Caleb moved into him almost desperately, he knew that this was a freedom he had not granted. “If you’re going to move like that, maybe I should just give you a pillow and be done with it.”

“Fo..forgive me…” Caleb stammered, immediately ceasing.

Essek continued to pump him in response, picking up speed and gripping him more firmly. His fingers kept teasing from within. Caleb muttered things in a language Essek did not speak but could identify has his native tongue. He allowed it. The way he said it might have been curses or a prayer.

Essek noticed Caleb’s grip on the sheets tightening so much his knuckles turned white and he felt Caleb’s body tense. He continued his movements, evidently leading Caleb over the edge. Another few seconds and Caleb gasped before groaning loudly. Essek felt Caleb’s cock twitch in his hands as he released and for a few moments his entire body was tense. The orgasm lasted, Caleb drawing in and exhaling breaths in a choked manner for several moments. Then, the tension left and he began to slump. Essek pulled out his fingers and released Caleb as he collapsed onto the bed, panting.

Essek waved his prestidigitation spell first for himself, then for Caleb. Looking down at his naked, panting lover, he – very suddenly – felt overdressed and opted to, at the very least, take off his boots before getting on the bed himself. Caleb dragged his exhausted form to rest on one side of the bed. Incidentally, he chose the side that Essek did not favor for himself. He rested on his side, his face in Essek’s direction and continued to pant. A couple of rogue strands of hair fell in front of his face.

Essek laid down beside Caleb and, hesitantly, reached out to brush the hair out of his face and behind his ear, justifying it with the need to read his expression better.

Caleb looked… satisfied. Thoroughly fucked, satisfied and tired.

Essek related strongly. He sighed contentedly.

After a moment of silence passed and Caleb’s breath returned to a calmer pattern, Essek raised his voice. “How do you feel?” He dropped the pretense of disinterest and ownership. He gently reached out a hand to place on Caleb’s arm, introducing tenderness into the situation to ensure Caleb felt safe. He’d still have to find out how much tenderness was desired and wanted, but gentle strokes seemed to at least not bother him.

There was a pause as Caleb seemed to search for words, his gaze averted. Essek’s tender smile fell when he finally heard the reply. “… Weird.”

That set off immediate alarm bells. “What’s wrong? If… If you’re not interested in pursuing this sort of arrangement, after all-“

“Nein, calm down.” _Oh._ Essek had begun to panic …. “I … uhm. I loved it in the moment… now that it’s over I just feel somewhat strange about it…” He cleared his throat. “…Embarrassed.”

“Ah…” In a way, Essek understood, though he couldn’t quite relate. “Well I won’t pressure you into repeating it.”

“That…” Caleb looked back at him. “I’d prefer… to do it again…. I did sincerely enjoy it. All of it. But I feel as though I shouldn’t have…”

_That_ however, Essek could relate to. “Right… Well, we are not given a whole lot to enjoy in our lives.” Essek pondered. “When a want can be fulfilled … why not indulge in it?” Because of the political strings. Because this was dangerous. Because Essek couldn’t tear his gaze away from his counterpart if he wanted to.

“Is this that simple? A fulfilled desire?”

“I am fully aware of consequences and the need for caution. But the act itself? Yes. Nothing more simple than two people doing something both of them want to do.” Essek explained and was surprised by how heartfelt the sentiment came to him. Two people. Luxon, Essek had craved companionship even more than he’d realized.

Caleb nodded a little, visibly thinking about Essek’s words. “I feel very satisfied.” He volunteered to Essek’s surprise. “I realize I only said ‘weird’, I do feel extremely… relaxed, as well. And.. oddly happy.”

Essek smiled. “So…”

“Ja. I want to continue this arrangement. I am certain of it.” Caleb cut him off. “If you’re amiable, of course.”

“You could say ‘amiable’.” Essek nodded, though he felt like he should provide more accurate terms. ‘Eager’ was one. ‘Desperate’ another. He decided against providing alternatives. “Very well. Is there anything you require currently? Are you in any pain or discomfort?”

“Well, my throat has had better days.” Caleb shot him a challenging look. “But it will be fine. And other than that, no.”

“I could fetch you something to drink.” Essek offered. If he’d been given a heads-up on Caleb’s arrival, he probably would have had something ready.

“No, really. I’m fine.” Caleb insisted.

“Let me know if you change your mind.” Essek left his hand on Caleb’s arm, who neither moved closer nor away. Well, if he still felt somewhat strange about the whole situation, it made sense that he was still figuring out this part as well. Essek wouldn’t push it, they could talk about his aftercare needs more next time, since he seemed happy enough with the situation as it was.

They remained there for a little while longer. Until their revelry was promptly ended with a familiar and utterly unwanted intrusion in Essek’s head.

“Ouuu, Essek! Have you seen Cayyyleeeb today? Is he with you _right now???_ What are you doing??? Are you studying?! I just winked but you –“

Essek groaned.

_Why didn’t she just message Caleb instead???_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Making up for that sex-less chapter 3... just a lot of smut.
> 
> So yeah, the conversation snippets that are included here and there are not in chronological order, in case that threw anyone off. The next chapter might take a little bit longer, but I will try to hurry! 
> 
> Thanks once again for all the lovely comments & kudos! I sincerely cannot believe 150 people liked this like... whaaat?? It's like a medium sized auditorium giving you a thumbs up for your... weird... smutty... powerpoint? Good analogy. I stand by it.


	5. Are you studying? (I)

_“Understood. That I can do.” Caleb nodded. “So in public…” The tapping motion started once more._

_“I would present myself to and around you as I have until now. And I implore you to maintain your demeanor, as well.” Essek paused, feeling that he sounded terribly distant considering that he actually enjoyed Caleb’s company. “I do not wish to jeopardize anything. That includes our professional relationship. I do value our regular conversations.”_

_“Ah, I do value those, as well.” Caleb was quick to agree. “So that would not cease… yes? Our… ah… ‘normal’ private conversations?”_

_“This has no influence on whether and how much more Dunamancy I will teach you.” Essek explained, catching Caleb’s drift._

_Caleb froze for a brief moment, as though surprised that Essek noticed his veiled meaning. “So I can still come to you about requests of that nature? Magical or other more… scholarly pursuits?”_

_“Yes. My offer still stands. You can approach me with such inquiries and I will entertain them if I have a moment to spare.” Essek glanced at his wine glass. “Treat this… as though it exists in a bubble. Anything that happens inside stays inside and has no bearing on anything on the outside.”_

_“Ja, I get that.” Caleb nodded._

_Essek pursed his lips for a moment, then continued to speak. “That includes the favors I am owed by you and yours.”_

_Caleb looked up again and Essek met his eyes._

_“If you ask me to use my abilities to you, I will do so at my own discretion, as I have until now. Me engaging in this arrangement with you has no influence on how likely I am to help your group. Neither is it a method of paying back favors.” Essek paused for a moment. A part of him worried that Caleb would get up and leave. Maybe he’d assumed to be paying back debts with his body._

_Instead Caleb flashed him a small smile. “I had no such intentions.” He looked back down at his wine, but the smile remained just a few more seconds. “This is a give and take in and of itself, ja? Even if it were not… I would not appreciate explaining to the group why, ah, we’re no longer in debt...”_

_Essek could imagine. Though Caleb had been good at acting that first day in the Lucid Bastion, he did not strike him as a masterful liar. “Nor am I keen on explaining why I continue to extend my hand further than necessary to your group without ever seeking anything in return…” Essek was well-aware that it would be a while before anyone would really question it. And he fully intended on using most owed favors under the radar of his Queen, anyway._

_But Caleb didn’t have to know that._

_-_

Essek felt light.

Well, he normally did. He levitated, after all. But this sense of lightness was different. The kind of thing which, if he _didn’t_ levitate, would probably put a spring in his step. Of course, Essek remained cool and calculated in appearance. This included his exterior around the Mighty Nein, though he pointedly avoided eye contact with their wizard, lest a smirk creep across his face. The easy façade became a bit more difficult to maintain when Caleb _approached_ him in the vicinity of his group, asking about the Scourger imprisoned by the Dynasty. Asking as if they had not seen each other in private less than 24 hours earlier. Essek hadn’t given Caleb nearly enough credit for his capability of deceit before.

He wanted to steal at least a kiss before he teleported the Mighty Nein away once again, but failed to find an opportunity, leaving him only with that feeling of lightness to him company in the Lucid Bastion later that day.

“Shadowhand. I hope the light finds you well today. …About that structure near the Firmaments.”

_Well, that did not last._

Essek swallowed a sigh. “Apologies if this is incorrect, but I believe we settled that matter during your last visit.” He addressed the Den representative, who had harassed him about this same topic before. Now, the house she wanted to claim was coming back to haunt him. Karmic justice, perhaps, for not even remembering her name.

“Yes, of course. We had sufficiently settled it at the time. But since then, new information has been revealed that I believe calls for another assessment.” She explained.

“Very well.” Essek didn’t grimace. “Let us re-examine this, then.”

-

Credit where it was due, the representative wasn’t wrong to ask again. The problem was not as clear cut as Essek had deemed it to be. He resented this. It meant that this matter still sat comfortably on his plate. ‘Xhorhas has bigger problems.’ Essek didn’t say. ‘Must you really insist on this. Your Den owns enough property.’ He didn’t say. ‘Who, in the name of the fucking light, cares?’ He most certainly did not say.

“We will discuss this matter further soon. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.” Is what he said. Like he was _grateful._ But that was the game, after all. A house to some, a strategic move between Dens to others.

Essek didn’t have it in himself to care about the strategy of it all. Something else was on his mind. He had been pushing it off, but he knew that due to recent events, he’d have to get in touch with _them_ soon enough. And though it was his own doing, the prospect of the actual meetings always made his gut burn with anxiety.

-

The anxiety had sufficiently subsided by the end of the day. The matter had been dealt with for the time being and Essek’s thoughts drifted elsewhere as he sought to trance that night.

Though Caleb hadn’t even stayed over the night before – having to go back to the Xhorhaus to ensure no one accurately thought he was at Essek’s – Essek felt once again that his bed was extremely empty. It was a bit odd. His previous lovers had rarely stayed the night, but he hadn’t minded seeing the door fall shut behind them. He’d actually enjoyed his reclaimed solitude. They’d gotten what they wanted, he’d gotten what he wanted and everyone could part ways satisfied. He … wasn’t sure how to process the fact that Caleb fell out of line in that regard.

 _Missing-_ wait no. Essek didn’t _miss_ him. What was there to miss? Curious questions? The copying of spells? The sex? Well, he _would_ miss _that_ if Caleb took another Luxon-forsaken eternity to come back, but that was hardly the same as missing _him._

“Ugh.” Essek grunted as he tried desperately to escape consciousness. “This should be out of your system.” He told himself. He had expected to want more if it was good. Who wouldn’t? But he had wrongfully assumed he’d be distraction-free at this point. And now he wanted nothing more than to turn around and find Caleb resting on the other side of the bed.

No. He would not let this become a problem. He’d offered the arrangement to _avoid_ obsessing over Caleb, he was not going to let that happen anyway. All he needed was to fully realize that there would be a ‘next time’ without him having to fret over it.

He scooted over to the center of his bed as opposed to the one side he favored. There. No space for anyone else.

The trance still eluded him for another hour or so.

**-**

Caleb eventually came back.

To study.

“Ah, if it’s not too much of a bother… I am sorry to once again appear unannounced.” Caleb fidgeted with his sleeves on Essek’s front step. “I understand if you have no time. Or… ah… no interest. I am sorry to impose.”

‘If you were that sorry you would not have come.’ Essek thought to himself but knew the thought to be unfair. “I can spare a moment.” He allowed Caleb to step inside and illuminated the room for him. At least he was there for magic and not for yet another check-in on the prisoner. Essek didn’t need that particular constant reminder. “Follow me, please.”

“Thank you. I really appreciate it.” Caleb said with a hint of relief.

“Right. Well, you know what payment I take.” Though they both knew he meant favors, Essek made it sound suggestive, anyway.

“Ah…” Caleb had the decency to blush.

Essek began to lead the way, hovering up a flight of stairs but taking a few different turns and hallways than during Caleb’s last visit.

They arrived at his study which doubled as a small personal library. A collection of wooden shelves hid most of the walls, filled with lines of tomes of varying sizes and bindings. Most bore titles in Undercommon, a select few in Common and several no title at all. A dark wooden desk with metallic decorations faced the door from the opposite side of the room, behind it was a chair and then a large window with an elevated view of the Firmaments. On the opposite side of the desk, closer to the door, sat another chair. Essek swiftly lit up the study, and Caleb went in. His eyes immediately shot wide open, scanning the rows upon rows of knowledge. “So viele…” Essek heard him mutter something in that pretty language that he still did not speak. Maybe he should cast a spell to understand foreign tongues whenever he saw Caleb, just in case.

-

_“Would it be… dunamantic in nature, then? Would you be bending gravity to achieve physical restraint?” Caleb asked, “And would this shift pertain to a gravity field surrounding your target or affect the mass itself?” Caleb’s eyes glinted with curiosity. “How would you achieve this in such a limited manner that… a target could still do something like… speak a safeword or snap their fingers?”_

_“Well, for a very capable Dunamancer, the re-allocation of mass and weight can be-“ Essek paused. He looked at the hunger in Caleb’s eyes. Not hunger for him. Hunger for knowledge. “That has nothing to do with this conversation.” He smirked. “Are you trying to exploit me for more Dunamancy, after all?”_

_Caleb’s eyes widened momentarily before he looked away again. “No, I do… very sincerely… wish to have sex with you. But, ah, the allure of your craft… It is very strong, as well.”_

_“Oh, I am very well aware.” Essek relaxed into his chair. “I am quite fond of… alluring things.”_

-

“Come on, take a seat.” Essek instructed as he went over to sit in his chair behind the desk.

Caleb nodded and sat down on the opposite side. “Thank you again for taking some time… I know you have a busy schedule.”

“It’s quite alright. If I didn’t have time at my disposal, I would have sent you away.” Essek explained, unsure of how honest he was being.

“I am grateful nonetheless.” Caleb paused. “Ah… I… should we discuss… the last time we met in private?”

Essek quirked an eyebrow. “Is there any need to discuss?” Please, gods. Please let him not have decided to break things off.

“… I… I don’t know… I assumed- .” Caleb gestured loosely as he searched for words. “Initially, I was not going to address it but now it seems strange to… act as if it did not happen… since it is just the two of us.”

“Well, if there is anything you wish to speak about in regards to that, I will, of course, lend you my ear. But feel no pressure to talk about it simply to have… talked about it.” Essek crossed his legs under the table. “As far as I am concerned, we had a nice, mutually beneficial time and the agreement stands as discussed until one of us wishes to terminate it… is that what you are trying to do?”

“No, no. I- … Apologies.” Caleb laughed nervously. “I suppose I am just still new to this… ah…” He gestured between them. “This.”

 _This._ Well, the term was… apt. Somehow. Essek smiled at him. “While I adore your apologies, you don’t have to iterate through them at a second’s pace. It is fine, you can ask for assurance on the matter whenever we have privacy. I do not mind discussing it, even if it is merely a mutual confirmation that we are to continue.”

Caleb swallowed. “Alright then. Sehr gut…. Ah… Magic?”

“Please.”

Caleb nodded. “Well, I have been familiarizing myself more with the magic that you… shared with me.”

“Good, it would be a shame if you let it go to waste.” Essek smiled.

“Oh, I would not … Those spells are far too interesting. Dunamancy as a whole is.” Caleb looked at Essek and there was that spark in his eyes again. “But, ah, you know that… of course.” He lowered his gaze a little.

“I am familiar with the appeal of it, yes.” Essek confirmed with amusement. “But I do not imagine that you have come all this way just to state your interest. And I do hope you would be more subtle about asking for new spells.”

“Ah, no, you are correct, I did have more in mind.” Caleb admitted.

‘Me too.’ Essek didn’t reply.

“It might be… an odd question. But I was curious to know whether there has ever been research done on the Fortune’s Favor spell. Specifically in relation to probability.”

Essek tilted his head a little. “Interesting. Please, elaborate.”

“Ah, ja. Gerne. Erhm. Of course.“ Essek noticed that Caleb stopped fidgeting. “If I understand correctly, if bends the fates a little around someone to give them… luck. Luck is so… damn immeasurable, unfortunately. But I was wondering whether… how… the natural probability and the enhanced probability … related, I suppose.”

“An example, perhaps?” Essek offered.

“Ja, sure. Let us say… There are two actions - action A and action B. Action A has a much higher probability than B to occur naturally. Now, in both cases an arcanist uses the spell to enhance the odds of each action succeeding. I assume B would still be far less likely to happen than A, but then, is the is the margin of increased probability the same for both? If not, what is the variance? And why does it appear? I was just wondering whether there was maybe an anomaly or instances where the margin of increased odds varied. For instance, the odds usually increase by twenty to thirty percent – these are just example values, of course… – but when, ah, targeting something specific it skyrockets to sixty or seventy percent. Are there any targets like that? Curiosities, I suppose. Or the opposite, something where the spell has shown to be of little to no use…”

“Oh.” Essek vocalized once Caleb stopped speaking. He had not been prepared for that stream of words to come pouring out of Caleb’s usually quiet and more reserved person. “If you… don’t mind. What made you contemplate this?”

“Ah… I was… I had trouble sleeping and thought about the ideal usage of the spell. If there is a situation that benefits more from it than another then it would be wise to save it for that...” Caleb explained. “And, ah, of course, if there have been known instances of failure to not waste it on that…”

Essek suddenly felt like he’d been slacking on his studies. Caleb lay awake thinking about the probabilities of a minor spell and all Essek could think about in bed was… well. “Right, right. Well, I have not read comprehensive studies on that spell in particular, I must admit. Like you pointed out yourself, luck is a fickle thing to measure and determining the odds of situations where one might find application for the spell is… challenging, at best.” Essek contemplated. “Especially if there is a social variable.”

“Especially if that social variable is my group.” Caleb joked.

Essek smiled. “Yes, you seem to have a knack for making the odds do… strange things.” He thought a little more, hoping to find a more satisfactory answer than ‘I don’t know’ for his student. “I do believe you are correct about there being a mostly consistent margin. After all, you are providing the same dunamantic… ‘push’, for lack of a better term, to both actions. I believe the margin would remain near identical, even. There… may be anomalies. I know no specifically researched examples, but I could fathom that the relation of the spell to other magical pursuits might have more varying odds than to non-magical endeavors.”

“Hm, yes. I … proposed a similar theory. To… ah… myself.” Caleb pressed his lips together as he pointedly looked at the desk. “… different magics often interact in… fascinating ways with one another.” He added sheepishly, eyes flickering up to meet Essek’s again very briefly.

Oh, if Essek didn’t understand the solitude of that admission. How often did he draw a fascinating conclusion only to- _Wait, had Caleb just flirted?_ Essek blinked and tried to search Caleb’s eyes only to find them turned away again. Maybe not… “Quite right.” He agreed, still trying to discern Caleb’s intentions. “I apologize for not having a better response. Should I come across any information on it, I will let you know.”

“Ah, thank you.” Caleb’s eyes found another nonexistent spot to focus on.

“Is that all?” Essek asked, trying to sound as professional as he could about having to watch Caleb leave yet again.

“That.. ah… depends on you. Can you spare some more time?”

“If you have further questions, I can offer a few more answers.” Essek’s relief was betrayed by a small smile on his lips. “Within reason, of course.”

“Of course. Well.” Caleb hesitated. “You mentioned that, ah, time was a specialty of yours, correct?”

“I recall saying something along those lines, yes.” Essek nodded.

“I… do not wish to pry for more knowledge or to request any further magic.” Caleb warned. “But, ah, I find time to be a … fascinating subject. I was wondering if there was… anything at all that you could offer me on the topic. Be it a light read or an introduction or a basic explanation of its relationship with Dunamancy…” He paused. “I fully understand and respect if this is not possible, however.”

Essek could tell at a glance that Caleb was more than fascinated by time. It wasn’t just an idle interest. There was something there. A thought. A plan. A flame. Essek regarded Caleb for a moment. He could still be an Empire spy. Essek had tugged on some strings to ensure that he wasn’t sent by the Assembly themselves. But just because he was not a Scourger did not make him an ally.

And yet… he _was_ a kindred spirit. The first in… a long, long time. Maybe ever. And considering his confession of theorizing to himself, perhaps Essek played a similar role for him.

“I believe I may have… a light introduction somewhere.” Essek gave in and stood up. Caleb moved to follow but Essek raised his hand. “No need, give me just a moment.” Upon receiving a nod he began inspecting his shelves, searching for a specific book. He found it almost immediately thanks to his diligence in maintaining an organized personal collection.

He returned to his desk, sat down and placed it between himself and Caleb gingerly, closed. “Here it is. There are no spells, it is a purely descriptive piece.” He explained. “Also, it is in Undercommon.”

“Ah, I do not speak the language… but I have means of understanding.” Caleb explained.

Essek nodded. “I assumed.”

“Is this… are you lending me this?”

“After a fashion. I would like you to read it here, exclusively.” Essek was surprised to see no disappointment in Caleb, no sunk shoulders. His eyes remained on the book, eager and waiting. “While I don’t doubt your intentions, I wish to keep my library complete for now.”

“I understand.” Caleb said. “Can I… can I start now?” Essek noticed Caleb reaching for his component pouch. He looked as though he might burst if Essek denied him.

Essek didn’t have a reason to say no. He was going to be desk-bound whether Caleb was there or not and when he contemplated whether he’d rather do his work alone or in the company of a quiet wizard like his guest, there was not much of a debate to be had. “As long as you remain here, that will be alright. Do you require-“

Before Essek could ask, Caleb had already retrieved a pinch of soot and salt from his pouch and sprinkled it, accompanied by a few arcane mumblings and a swift yet delicate motion.

“I suppose not.” Essek smiled.

Caleb gingerly reached out for the book, his fingers twitching before they touched the cover. He looked up inquisitively.

“Go ahead.” Essek nodded.

Caleb pulled the book closer to himself and opened it reverently. “Ah.. yes, reading is going to be… a bit slower than normal.” He muttered.

“As is the nature of your spell.” Essek added, secretly happy to have Caleb at his desk for a little longer. He opened one of his drawers and pulled out some papers along with two books. He’d left them there upon being notified of someone approaching his towers. “I will get a bit of work done while you read.”

“Ah, yes, of course! Don’t mind me. Should I-“ Caleb turned around to look for something.

“Stay here and read your book, Widogast.” Essek commanded, though his amusement seeped into his speech. He didn’t look up, opening his books and setting up a nice literary spread. “Before I change my mind.”

“Ah-! Ja. Natürlich.” Caleb leaned over the pages.

They fell silent then, both focused on their individual pursuits. The only thing Essek heard from Caleb was a page turning every two minutes. After the tenth occurrence of that sound, he ventured a glance. Caleb was leaning over the book, his eyes were glued to the page, semi-hidden behind a few loose strands of hair. He didn’t touch the book at all, except to turn the page. Having seen him with his own spellbook, Essek discerned this to be out of respect for someone else’s property, which he could appreciate.

Essek smiled at the sight of another arcanist so engrossed in a simple book about his craft.

He allowed himself to revel for a moment too long and Caleb looked up to meet his eyes, catching him staring. “… Everything alright, Shadowhand?”

“Quite, I was just checking whether you were having any difficulties.” Essek was almost proud of how quickly the lie came to him.

“Ah, not so far.” Caleb examined the book from the side, looking at the stack of pages that was still in front of him. “However, I don’t think I have gotten to the best parts, yet…”

“Of course.” Essek looked back at his writing, trying to remember where he’d left off. “Let me know when you’ve reached around… page 80 or so. It gets into some interesting topics there…” He downplayed his interest in discussing the material.

“I can do that.” Caleb nodded and after another short moment went back to his reading.

Essek meanwhile remembered the specific passage he’d been working on before he so treacherously let his eyes drift over to his guest. It was another ten or so page-flipping sounds from Caleb later when the silence was broken once more.

“Are these _your_ annotations?”

Essek looked up and leaned over a little to see where Caleb was pointing. There were notes on the sides and in the margins and Essek suddenly remembered that he’d left them there, many decades ago, upon his first read of the piece. He’d forgotten about them entirely but now memories of noting down remarks and ideas in the book itself returned to him. A practice he’d since abandoned. “Ah… yes. I made them a long time ago. If you must read them, take them with a grain of salt, if you would. I was unexperienced at the time.”

“I would not be able to read them without the grain of salt.”

Essek paused, surprised by the remark. “Really. I expected better from my student.”

Caleb turned back to the book with a small but sly smile. “Apologies. I do hate disappointing my teacher.”

Essek looked back down at his work, amused. For a few moments. Then he began feeling restless as he started to remember more about his unqualified annotations. He kept glancing up at Caleb. Mostly, he just appeared focused, though sometimes Essek would see him smile or narrow his eyes or scratch his chin and he could not help but worry that Caleb had found a particularly bad remark.

After another ten agonizing page turns Caleb blinked a couple of times and sighed. Essek quickly peeled his eyes away and stared at the notes he’d taken for work – which he then realized were all utter nonsense. He saw his guest out of his peripheral. Caleb reached down and pulled out another pinch of soot and salt before leaning over the book once more.

Essek exhaled in relief.

Caleb looked over at that. “Is everything alright? If you wish for me to leave-“

“Nothing of the sort. Just… a particularly tricky part.” Essek lied and looked at his book. His eyes lingered on a description of the various types of rocks found north of Rosohna. _Quite tricky._

Unable to see that, Caleb nodded. “I understand. If you wish for a second pair of eyes, I just re-casted my spell…”

“Ah… thank you for the offer. But I cannot let you look at this. It is very… sensitive information.” It wasn’t. It was a geography book about the continent that any half-decent bookstore in town would carry.

“Oh, alright. Of course. I will just…” Caleb gestured back at his book and Essek nodded.

“Of course, go ahead.”

Caleb continued to read.

Essek tried to get back to work, as well. He had to stop fretting over this. It would be fine. Caleb was still eagerly turning pages in two-minute intervals. The annotations were probably easily overlooked. It wasn’t as if Essek had theorized that human Empire arcanists would abuse the delicate relationship between life and time, with the most foolish of them dying in the process and the most cunning turning into liches. Except, _that was exactly the type of thing he’d put in there._

Essek glanced at the _human_ _Empire arcanist_ across the table. Caleb eagerly turned a page, eyes still full of almost innocent marvel.

_Yeah, sure, that’s definitely lich-material right there._

The author of those notes had been a very, _very_ different Essek. A version of him long before politics. Long before any of _this..._ Caleb had to know that, right?

“Widogast.”

Caleb looked up. “Ja?”

But what was he to say? He couldn’t just ask Caleb to ignore the offenses. “… I never asked. Do you require anything to take down notes?”

“Ah. Thank you. Not so far, I can memorize this fairly well. I will… ask you when the need arises?”

“Of course.”

Caleb shot him a brief smile and then bent back over the pages. He turned another.

Maybe Essek could just explain himself… ‘Oh yeah, I was young and racist. I’m absolutely not racist anymore though. It is merely currently my purpose to aid in taking down your home -’ _Great. That_ wasn’t bound to leave a sour aftertaste, _for sure_. Even worse, Essek might not get to butcher an explanation if Caleb just read all of it without comment, being driven away in utter silence.

Maybe he could just distract him for now and replace the book later. Of course, Essek had more than enough ideas for how to pull Caleb away from the book. These thoughts had been brewing in his head since the last time they’d met. However, he’d filed them away upon hearing that Caleb had come for magic instead of intimacy – a boundary that he respected. But even if there were no annotations to worry about, who knew when they would get a quiet moment alone next? There was no harm in seeing whether he’d be interested, at least…

Essek stretched out one of his legs underneath the table, gaze focused on his ‘work’ as if he didn’t even realize what he was doing. He brushed Caleb’s leg with the tip of his foot and saw a jolt and then blue eyes looking at him for a moment. He waited. Caleb looked back down.

Well that didn’t give him any insights. Then again… what was Caleb supposed to do. Leer at him? Fling himself onto his knees because of an accidental touch? Luxon, what a stupid idea. Essek was normally better at this, but the annotations were unnerving him. He quietly drew in a deep breath. If subtlety didn’t work for him, there was always boldness. He looked at his geography book and flipped a couple of pages. “Widogast.”

“J…ja?” Caleb looked up again, clearly startled by being called on once more.

“If you do not mind, you have traveled to the Menagerie Coast, correct?”

“Ah, we’ve been to Nicodranas and… er… to sea.”

“If you would not mind then.” Essek placed the book in between them, turning it toward Caleb. “Would you take a look and see whether this map seems accurate to your memories? I believe the cartographer may have made some errors.”

“Oh! Ja, of course.” Caleb gently placed his own read aside, closing it. He bent a little further over the table and started to examine the map Essek had pointed out. “Which areas specifically interest you?” He asked.

Essek lazily picked a point at random. “Here. And…” He picked another, seeing Caleb’s eyes follow his motions. “Here. Aaand…” He reached up from the page to Caleb’s face which was but a breath away. He lifted Caleb’s head with his index finger under his chin, tilting it upward so that he could meet his eyes. Essek smirked. “… Here, especially.”

Caleb flushed red.

“Oh, this one became even more interesting just now…” Essek teased. “If I got to explore all of this, I would be… delighted.” The boldness was more a mask to hide his anxiety than anything else. Essek was not sure how likely a refusal was. “Only if you fully desire it, of course.”

Caleb swallowed, then, after a pause, he replied. “Anything you wish…”

Essek smirked a little wider, anxiety starting to melt, and stroked Caleb’s bottom lip softly with his thumb. “Excellent.”

He then withdrew and grabbed Caleb by his collar with both hands. He pulled him close, tugging him from his chair, bending him across the table and meeting him in a rough kiss. Heat exploded in Essek’s chest at the encounter. He felt Caleb reciprocate immediately, though more reserved than his own feverish kisses. He could feel Caleb melt into it and try to follow as Essek pulled away. He broke apart, shoving Caleb back slightly, just enough to get him to fall back into his chair. Caleb’s eyes were wide, he was already flushed bright red and Essek noticed he’d never get enough of that coloration.

After a moment, Essek leaned back and crossed one leg over the other. “If you are going to just sit there and gape at me, I have no use for you.”

Caleb blinked. “Ah, I’m … sorry.” He lowered his head and placed his hands in his lap, balled loosely into fists on his thighs.

First things first. “Take off your clothes. You can leave them on your chair.” Essek was not going to make the same mistake twice.

Caleb gave a brief nod and stood. Then he hesitated. Essek followed his eyes and noticed that he was looking at the window. The hesitation was a solid point. Maybe Essek didn’t need to expose his lover to the whole Firmaments. He could… tease, though.

“Scared of being exposed? Are you ashamed of being here, pet?”

“No…! Anything but that…” Caleb lowered his head again.

“So you would not mind if I showed you off? If I pinned you against the window, let me display you to the whole neighborhood? Make you moan and beg and come with your cock pressed against the glass?” Essek challenged.

“If that pleases you, please let me do it for you…”

Essek bit his lip. Fortunately, he wasn’t drunk enough on lust, yet, to actually consider realizing that idea. That, and he was almost certain that Caleb would rightfully use a safeword if Essek tried. But the thought was... thrilling, nonetheless. Pressing his lover against the cold panes, threatening to expose them. “No. I think I will keep your desperate cock to myself. For now.” He flicked his wrist and his curtains slid closed behind him. Maybe a waste of magic, but Essek did love to show off. “What are you waiting for, pet? Are you going to make me say it twice?”

“No…” Caleb began to take off his clothing as instructed.

Instead of watching him, Essek gave him indifference. He removed his mantle to have it out of the way and hung it over the back of his hair. Then he picked up the quill he had long since abandoned, turned his book back to himself and busied himself with notes. He actually made an effort to recall where he’d left off, if only to be more believable. He noticed Caleb finishing to undress a few moments later and patiently flipped a page before writing another note down. “Over here.” He then snapped his fingers and gestured to the ground beside himself, still not gracing Caleb with his gaze.

Caleb obliged and joined Essek at his side. He sat on his heels, his head was lowered and his palms resting on his thighs.

Essek opened a drawer. “You’re going to open yourself up so I can take you.” He instructed and pulled out a vial of oil. He handed it to Caleb without so much as a glance. “Understood?”

Caleb took the liquid from him. “Yes, Essek.”

Essek had, suddenly worried about being ill-prepared, placed vials in various places around his home. Anywhere he could vaguely imagine enacting a scene with Caleb. Afterwards he’d stood in his bedroom in embarrassment and thought himself incredibly foolish for the whole ordeal. Now he felt somewhat vindicated. “Good. Do it right there.”

Caleb swallowed. “… Understood.”

Though part of Essek simply wanted to feel that rush of power as he calmly did his work while his pet got ready for him on the floor, he also wanted to keep an eye on Caleb to ensure that he knew what he was doing. After all, Caleb’s limited previous experiences could have excluded this and he had no interest in putting his lover through a great deal of pain.

This concern was quickly proven wrong as Caleb got on all fours, opened up the vial and reached a hand behind himself, seemingly very aware of what he had to accomplish and how.

Essek returned to his work. Or, well, he pretended to. There was really not a whole lot more he could do than fake it with Caleb’s subtle movements teasing him from his peripheral vision. He glanced down occasionally, admiring Caleb’s bright red face, his expression and his desperate attempts to control his breaths as they hitched and stuttered away from him. Eventually, Essek’s eyes wandered over all of Caleb and he bit his lip in anticipation. He decided to embrace observing his pet. He put away his work materials and Caleb’s book into one of his larger drawers. Then he propped one of his elbows up on the armrest of his chair, resting his chin on his hand.

Caleb halted suddenly, looking up as Essek, seemingly only then realizing his audience.

“Are you done?” Essek asked as his pet stared up at him.

“N…not quite…” Caleb admitted.

“Did you forget how your hand works?”

“No…”

“Then continue.” Essek instructed and wordlessly, Caleb did so.

Essek was enjoying himself tremendously. He could feel his pants growing tighter as he watched Caleb’s beautiful expressions, now even more gorgeous thanks to those crystal blue eyes looking up at him again and again as if seeking approval.

Essek gave none safe for his small smirk. “The floor suits you nicely, don’t you think so pet?”

“Y…Yes – _ah_ – Essek.” He muttered between uncontrolled gasps.

Essek narrowed his eyes. “Are you going to get off from this alone? Two fingers in your ass and you come undone?”

“N…No.” Caleb cast his gaze to the floor again.

Essek shifted with his chair a little to face Caleb more. He reached out with the tip of his boot, placed it under Caleb’s chin and tilted his head to make him look up. Caleb met his eyes, his vibrant irises contrasting with the flush of his cheeks. “Look at you, what a pretty mess you are, already.”

“Forgive me…” Caleb muttered, still working his backside. Then a pause. He stopped and withdrew his hand, placing it next to his other one on the ground.

“Are you finally done, pet?” Essek asked, withdrawing his boot from Caleb’s face.

“Y.. yes. I am ready now.” Caleb admitted.

“Ready? ‘Ready’ for what?” Essek asked sharply.

“Ready for you....” Caleb lowered his head again in submission. “For you to use as you please…”

Essek lifted his boot once more, planted the heel on Caleb’s head and gently but unwaveringly pushed it down to the ground. “Why don’t you ask for it, pet?”

Caleb allowed it to happen, head sinking until his forehead connected with the floor. “Please, Essek…”

“Please what?” Essek asked, putting a little more pressure on Caleb’s head with his foot.

“Please fuck me…”

Essek shivered at the plea. But it had been a little quiet. “What was that?”

“Please, fuck me.” Caleb said, his voice trembling, but louder. “Take me however you please…”

“Gods, why do you ever bother to say any other words?” Essek mused, withdrawing his foot and watching as Caleb’s head remained pressed against the floor all on its own. “When those fit so perfectly in your filthy mouth.” He added and stood up. “Fine.” He relented as though it was a chore.

Essek glanced over at the chair that held Caleb’s clothing. With a simple hand motion he beckoned over the scarf, allowing it to sail through the air.

“I’ll take you just how I want ...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay, okay! So! Let me level with you here. I wanted to post the whole scene in one go. But! There was a point where I realized that the draft was flirting with the 12k word threshold. It was then that I accepted having utterly lost control. I decided to split it up instead of waiting longer to then post an absolute unit of a chapter (Not a dig against anyone who writes really long chapters!), y'know to at least fake a consistent chapter length.
> 
> Thanks for the wonderful comments and kudos! I know my replies boil down to “thank you” most of the time but - damn it - I gotta express my gratitude! Also the auditorium is growing hoo boy.


	6. Anything you wish (II)

_Grasping to continue the conversation, Essek decided to just bring up the next point. “So, how do you feel about being tied up?”_

_Caleb audibly choked. Yep, Essek was about ready to sink into the ground to become one with it for all eternity. He swiftly picked up his glass of wine to begin the process of burying that memory._

_“Apologies.” He quickly added, failing to maintain his perfectly neutral tone of voice. “I do believe the wine is… influencing my capability of … nuance.”_

_Caleb’s face was bright red – so at least there was that – when he looked at Essek. “No… No worries. Those questions are… ah… the point of this… conversation. I was just… surprised.” He cleared his throat. “Ah… um. Being… tied up?” He swallowed; apparently clearing his throat had not dislodged whatever clump of awkwardness Essek had put there. “I think I would… enjoy that. …. Within reason.”_

_Essek paused after taking a sip. “What exceeds ‘reason’, then? You must be more specific, Caleb.” He wondered whether he’d ever said Caleb’s first name before. It felt good. Tasted nice. Almost made him forget ambushing Caleb with bondage._

_“Ah… hm… well… dangling from the ceiling or anything like that… would be a bit much…” Caleb pondered, there was humor to his tone. “Other than that… I think it should be fine.”_

_That was still far too vague. Essek would have to get into the specifics himself. “May I tie you to my bed?”_

_Caleb averted his gaze sheepishly. “Yes…”_

_“May I tie you to my desk?”_

_“…Yes.”_

_“To a chair?”_

_“Ja.”_

_Essek nodded. This was better, he was getting a sense of what shapes their trysts could take. “Does any furniture come to mind that would not be okay?”_

_“Ah… I can’t think of anything…” Caleb visibly contemplated. “As long as we’re inside… and in private...”_

_“Of course.” Essek nodded. “May I tie your wrists?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Your ankles?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Gag you?”_

_Caleb paused. “… Yes.”_

_Hesitation noted. “Blindfold you?”_

_“Ah…” He scratched his chin. “I… don’t know.”_

_“That is alright.” Essek assured. “You do not have to.” He reached out and picked up a snack for himself. “May I restrain you with magic?” He took a bite._

-

The scarf levitated into Essek’s hand, falling slack upon being held.

Essek stepped around Caleb, all but leering at him. His eyes lingered on Caleb’s backside for an exaggerated moment. Gods, Essek might have to tie up _himself_ considering how much he wanted to abandon all self-restraint.

“Hands on your back.” He commanded after regaining his composure. “Keep your head where it is.”

Caleb obliged, his forehead remained pressed against the ground as his hands came together over the small of his back.

Essek crouched, pushed Caleb’s wrists closer together and began to loosely loop the scarf around them, allowing Caleb to feel the fabric. “Do you know what this is, pet?”

“My scarf.” Caleb answered.

“Smart pet.” Essek praised. The recognition of his own garment being used did not make Caleb object, so Essek tightened the loop and completed the binding with a knot. The ends of the scarf fell over Caleb’s back and to the sides, giving the impression of a decorative ribbon. Caleb looked like a delightful little present.

Essek slipped two fingers in between one of Caleb’s wrists and the scarf. It should be alright - tied tightly enough to be a proper restraint, but not so tight that it cut off the blood flow to Caleb’s hands. Essek would more than kick himself if Caleb was rendered without somatic abilities thanks to irresponsible bondage.

Satisfied with his work, Essek took hold of Caleb’s upper arms and stood up, pulling Caleb with himself. He used just a bit of his dunamantic abilities to ensure that Caleb wouldn’t topple over. Once they stood, he immediately pushed Caleb’s upper body onto his desk, chest down. Caleb didn’t resist. He just stood there, bent over the table, his cock pressed against the edge of it. The ends of his scarf fell down from his wrists to the desk and from there they dangled in the air on either side of Caleb’s legs. His face still displayed a strong blush as it was resting on the desk sideways, his beautiful locks spilling out from his ponytail in several directions. Essek took a moment to gaze at his profile; his light skin was perfectly outlined by the dark wood beneath it. He had striking features. A strong nose and jawline that Essek had never appreciated from this angle before.

All in all, he looked beautiful. And _vulnerable_.

If Essek had been a religious man, he would have sent a quick prayer of gratitude to the Luxon. But he wasn’t and he didn’t. His full attention was on Caleb, who was probably be expecting for Essek to take him right away. But it was so much more fun to make him wait for it, feeding into his anticipation and craving. Essek walked around the desk with controlled strides, stepping into Caleb’s direct line of sight. His pants rubbed against his cock almost painfully as he tried to suppress his own need.

Apparently, he wasn’t the only one who noticed his erection. Caleb’s gaze landed on his crotch before being forced to Essek’s face instead. Essek did not miss Caleb’s throat move with the hungry swallowing of spit right after. He’d seen it in Caleb’s enthusiasm before, but this more or less confirmed his suspicions. Apparently, Caleb _loved_ to suck Essek off. And while Essek would happily indulge in that, it did not align with his current plans. He leaned over the desk, looming over Caleb. “Don’t you look starved…” He mused, reaching out a hand to stroke Caleb’s bottom lip with his thumb. “Do you love it when I take your mouth, pet?”

Caleb swallowed again. “Yes…”

“Of course you do. Tell me, how do you like it most?”

“I… I like when you… when you hold my head and thrust into my mouth. When… When I can feel you at the back of my throat… and I can… barely breath because everything is… filled up by you…”

If magic didn’t work out for Caleb, Essek would recommend poetry. He smirked. “So that’s what you like…” After a short pause, he removed his thumb and instead pushed two fingers into Caleb’s mouth. Caleb eagerly parted his lips. Essek ran his fingertips over Caleb’s tongue. He pulled them out a little before thrusting them back in. Caleb was still looking up at him and Essek could see his eyes growing somewhat distant. “This is what your mouth is good for, isn’t it?” Essek teased. “To be stuffed.”

Caleb gave a very small nod. He sucked on the fingers and Essek bit his lip. His trousers felt tighter than ever.

Gods, if only he’d hidden a gag along with the vial. Caleb’s muffled moaning would be _divine._ Essek briefly glanced around the room. Unfortunately, there was nothing usable unless he intended to dislocate his lover’s jaw. He could go fetch something, but his intuition told him Caleb wouldn’t much appreciate being left behind like this, even momentarily. “That is all you’ll get for now.” He decided and removed his fingers, a thin trail of spit following before dissolving in the air. Essek withdrew from Caleb and walked back behind him. He opened the front of his pants, took out his cock and slicked it up with the remainder of Caleb’s saliva that still clung to his fingers. He took another vial of oil from his desk, just to be sure.

He poured the oil into his palm and then coated his cock in it. Essek then spread Caleb’s ass and probed at his entrance with one finger. He slipped the digit inside and immediately followed it up with a second one. He heard Caleb’s breath hitch and felt his body tense. The corners of Essek’s mouth curled upward in delight. Essek pulled back out almost immediately. He took his cock into his hand and gently stroked Caleb’s entrance with his tip a few times, rubbing it over and against it. Caleb drew in a shuddered breath in response. Then, Essek pushed in, immediately drawing a groan from Caleb’s lips.

One of his hands grabbed the knot above Caleb’s wrists while he still guided himself with his other. Essek thrust himself in very, _very_ slowly and gently. He heard Caleb’s breathing stop momentarily, as though he was holding it.

Essek suppressed a low moan of his own as he felt the heat and tightness combined with the slickness of the oil. He removed his hand from his cock and planted it on Caleb’s hip instead. He continued to push, loving each inch that Caleb offered him. He eyed Caleb’s reactions, noticing another stuttered breath, then a sharp exhale. Essek kept going until he was completely buried inside of Caleb. For a moment he paused, enjoying the feeling. He then pulled out just a little, still very gently, before thrusting himself back in. “Do you remember your safewords, pet?”

Caleb nodded against the table. “Ye… Yes…” He swallowed.

Essek gave a brief nod to himself and he continued to push in before pulling back out and repeating the motion. The movements became a bit stronger, a bit quicker each time as he eased both of them into a growing pace. Caleb’s breaths came louder and louder and he groaned, the side of his face still pressed against the table. Essek’s own breathing turned into panting as he rocked into Caleb in a steadier rhythm. Essek kept his eyes on his lover, watching his flushed form. Gods, Caleb was so wonderfully tight and hot and beautiful and _perfect_. Essek wanted to close his eyes to focus on the sensation but then he’d miss precious moments of staring at his gorgeous flushed pet as his face was dominated by breathtaking expressions and moans. Essek’s gaze wandered over the bound hands underneath the knot he was clutching, over tensing shoulder muscles, then auburn locks that swayed back and forth with the movement of Essek’s hips. From there it moved on to bright red cheeks next to closed eyes and perpetually parted lips.

All of it belonged to Essek. This was _his_. _Caleb_ was _his._ _He_ made Caleb blush and moan and beg. Caleb was bent over _his_ desk. And no one else’s. No one else had anything to do or say or contribute to this. It was just _them_ and Caleb was _his_.

Essek’s revelry was interrupted as he felt Caleb’s hips rocking into the desk impulsively, grinding his erection against the edge of it. Essek dug his fingers into Caleb’s hips in a punishing grip. He nearly couldn’t bring himself to, but he paused his steady thrusts. “Are you degrading my desk with your needy cock?”

“Ah… ye..yes… Forgive… Forgive me…”

“Such a rebellious pet.” Essek chided. “Have I spoiled you too much? Do you need to be left here alone for a few hours to come to your senses?”

“No… Please… let me do good… let me… make up for it…”

“Very well.” Essek picked up his movements again, though slower than where he’d left off. “If you wish to make up for it, don’t finish until I give you permission. Understood?”

“Ja…Yes… Essek.”

Without another word, Essek returned to quicker thrusts. He was still holding onto the scarf and Caleb’s hips and soon failed to fully suppress his groaning. Caleb kept making beautiful noises below him, as well. Knowing that Caleb was growing hotter and needier with each second without being able to do anything about it was exhilarating. This powerful wizard, who had defeated countless enemies, who brought back a Luxon-forsaken beacon, this so-called _hero_ , was unable to climax until Essek permitted. His pleasure, his release – tethered to Essek’s whim.

Essek thrust in more vigorously at this thought, pounding into Caleb. He pushed harder, his hips finishing each thrust with a strong jerk. He wanted to grab Caleb’s cock and pump him to feel him writhe against his grip. But getting him off now would be far too easy; he’d have to work harder than that to earn his reward.

Essek was being so rough that he would have worried about Caleb if not for the expressions of absolute pleasure on his face and his access to safewords. Essek’s grip on the scarf became so firm that his knuckles turned a few shades lighter. His fingers on Caleb’s hip dug into the skin and Essek allowed a loud groan to accentuate each thrust. He felt himself on the edge and pushed in once more, moaning loudly, passionately as he released, filling Caleb up, hoping it would make holding back much more difficult for him. He continued to move more lightly, riding out his orgasm. He lingered for a few more moments as the warm feeling of release washed over him and loosened his grip on his lover. Then he pulled himself out very carefully and took a moment to catch his breath. Delightfully, some of his release trickled down from Caleb onto the floor.

As Essek took a moment to collect himself, Caleb remained in place, panting and flushed and sweating and probably still _very hard._ Essek pushed away the giddy haze in his mind to consider how he would use this wonderful situation.

He cleaned himself up with a spell, grabbed his mantle and threw it over his shoulders before levitating again. “Stand, pet.”

-

Essek felt good about his decision to move to his bedroom as he tied Caleb’s wrists to his headboard.

Caleb’s clothing sat on the chair in the corner and Caleb lay beside Essek on his back, waiting patiently as he was being tied up with his scarf once again. Essek had rope available in this room, but the scarf was working wonderfully so why switch?

Once he was satisfied with his new knot, Essek crawled off the bed. He looked Caleb over. The scarf was tied with like a ribbon. Caleb was flushed red, still, and his hair tie had gotten lost at some point, causing his hair to fan out underneath and around his head. It looked almost like a halo. His pale skin stood out against Essek’s dark bedsheets. He squirmed, most likely because of the need that Essek had laid claim to. Caleb’s cock was still hard and dripping with precum.

Essek had started feeling overdressed when he’d ordered Caleb to lie down and had begun craving more skin-on-skin contact when he’d tied him up. So he made quick work of undressing. He wanted to take Caleb once more, wanted to have him fully as he finally allowed him to finish. He was well on his way to being ready again. Essek joined his lover on the bed. As Caleb stared at him he realized that this was the first time he saw him naked. Essek had never been too self-conscious about his appearance, but as Caleb looked at him like he was a shooting star, he felt a surge of warmth and assurance completely alien to him. Even stranger was the sudden desire for him to, like a shooting star, make all this man’s dreams come true.

Essek averted his gaze to ignore that feeling, pushing himself to reclaim control over this thoughts.

He got closer to his lover, eyeing his erection. He ran a singular finger up Caleb’s shaft, starting at the base. He was rewarded with a shudder and a moan. “You’re holding out so nicely for me, pet.” Essek praised. He wrapped his hand around Caleb’s cock.

Caleb drew in a sharp breath. Essek examined all of his little involuntary movements, the shifting, the way Caleb squeezed his eyes shut and the way he tensed up. Essek smirked. He pumped him very slowly, just once, and observed as all those little tells became stronger. He withdrew his hand. For a moment he thought about stroking himself to get fully hard again and while Caleb would probably make a very delightful longing face, why resort to that when his mouth was available?

So instead, Essek moved to situate himself close to Caleb’s head. He straddled his chest, knees on either side of his lover’s body. Caleb looked up at him expectantly and Essek would be a fool to think that Caleb didn’t know exactly what he wanted. He took his hardening cock into his hand and held it toward Caleb’s mouth. “What are you waiting for?” He challenged.

Immediately Caleb opened his mouth and began to lick Essek, craning his head to gain access in spite of his bonds. Essek sighed happily. “This Is what the gods made you for.” He praised. “Every piece of you they made for me.”

Caleb continued, planting his tongue at Essek’s base and dragging it up to the tip repeatedly. Before, he had done this slowly and deliberately. Now he was feverish and quick, licking Essek over and over again before taking him into his mouth fully. He sucked and began to bob his head with an intensity as though, if he worked hard enough, he maybe could satisfy his own need. Essek closed his eyes, basking in the sensation of his cock surrounded by Caleb’s blessed hot and wet mouth, getting spoiled by his unfairly capable tongue.

It didn’t take long for him to be fully hard again.

“Gods, what a predicament.” He said, opening his eyes. Caleb looked up at him. “I _could_ fuck you until you see stars or I could just fill up your throat, like you said you liked…” He reached down a hand and cupped Caleb’s cheek, halting his movements and guiding his head backward to release Essek’s cock. “What do you think, my pet? What should I do with you?”

Caleb swallowed. He couldn’t lower his head, so he opted to look Essek in the eye instead “Fuck me… please… Like… like you did in your study…”

“Oh? Didn’t you say you loved my cock in your mouth?”

“I do…” Caleb admitted. “But… please… fuck me, Essek, until… until I can’t feel anymore… please… please let me finish…”

“Very well.” Essek filed part of that statement away for later. He moved away from Caleb’s head, ceasing to straddle him. He then took an unused pillow. He didn’t even have to give an order for Caleb to raise his hips, he did it without hesitation and Essek stuffed the pillow underneath, propping him up. Essek retrieved another vial of oil, this time from his nightstand. He situated himself between Caleb’s legs – which Caleb spread eagerly - and let his eyes roam his lover’s body once more – from the tied hands above his head down to his long neglected erection. Stunning. Absolutely stunning.

Caleb angled his legs to give Essek enough space and access. Every movement he made was hasty and urgent. Essek grabbed Caleb’s hips to situate both of them properly. He slicked up his erection with the oil before spreading Caleb’s ass with one hand and guiding himself with the other. Not wasting any more time – though teasing Caleb was, of course, delightful – he slowly pushed himself in. A low moan escaped him as he felt how slick Caleb still was and he knew immediately that he wasn’t going to last nearly as long as the first time. Essek began to rock into his lover, starting at a quicker pace than he did before. He took one of Caleb’s legs and held it up higher, resting it over his arm at the knee, giving him a nicer angle to work with. He wanted to thrust in fast and hard immediately, but held off, fearing it would end things prematurely.

Caleb moaned loudly, tender and sensitive to each of Essek’s movements. Essek cursed himself as he realized he’d forgotten to gag him. It would have made for such a beautiful sight. Oh well. Next time.

He continued to thrust into Caleb, whose body grew more and more tense. He was getting closer. Essek wondered, though briefly as his brain didn’t currently allow for any more than passing thoughts, whether his pet could finish from this alone. It felt like it.

“I haven’t given you permission, pet.” Essek warned as he continued to thrust.

Caleb whined a little. “E… Essek, I- I can’t-“ He choked out.

“You can.” Essek demanded.

Caleb writhed against his bonds, fighting himself. “E-Essek, please!” He started. “Please let me finish!”

Essek reduced his pace. He took Caleb’s cock into his free hand and Caleb arched his back. “What did you say?”

“Oh, gods, please! Essek, _please_!”

Essek then picked up the pace again. He thrust into Caleb roughly, feeling his own release draw close once more. He began to pump Caleb’s cock.

“You may.”

Caleb’s entire body tensed. His eyes shut tightly, his face was bright red, his mouth wide open and breathless. His hands were gripping at the fabric of the scarf, knuckles white from strain. He choked out breaths and gasps as he speckled his torso with cum. Essek released his cock and pounded into him at a frenzied pace, propping himself up with his arms on either side of Caleb’s body now as Caleb remained tense. It took only a few more thrusts for him to join Caleb in his orgasm, climaxing for the second time. He felt Caleb finally relax as he filled him up even further, panting and breathing heavily.

As Essek’s senses came back to him, he sat back on the bed, slowly and carefully pulling out. Tiredness began settling into his bones almost immediately and he wanted nothing more than to keel over and fall asleep. But he couldn’t, yet. He dragged himself over to the head of the bed, chest still claimed by heavy breaths, and untied Caleb’s scarf. He tossed it aside unceremoniously – just sort of hoping that Caleb didn’t mind. He then collapsed into the bed beside Caleb, rolling over onto his back. He swallowed spit though his mouth felt dry. He waved his prestidigitation spell for both of them before his hand dropped down onto the bed from the simple motion.

He glanced over at Caleb to find him in a similar state. Panting, swallowing, gasping. He pulled the pillow from underneath his hips before resting his arms on his torso.

“You… okay?” Essek gasped out.

“J…Ja…” Caleb answered, still breathless. “More than… More than okay.”

For a few moments it was this. Both of them catching their breaths, basking in their feelings and collecting themselves. Essek swallowed a final time and turned onto his side to face Caleb before his tiredness could fully overtake him. But as he opened his mouth to begin gently asking Caleb about his state of mind and being, Caleb … got up. Wordlessly, he went over and began to dress.

Essek was confused… and weirdly scared. Had he done something wrong? Everything had gone rather well, he had thought, Caleb had seemed incredibly into it the whole time.

Essek sat up to look at Caleb. “Where are you going?”

-

_“Like I said. I will not do anything that we don’t both want.”_

_“Ah, yes. I wish I was a little more… well-versed on what that is. What I want, I mean…” Caleb admitted. He picked up his glass one final time, drank the remaining wine and set the empty vessel back down._

_“You are versed enough.” Essek assured. “Anything else, you can tell me along the way. If not during a tryst itself then during aftercare.”_

_“…Aftercare?” Caleb looked at him with a raised brow._

_How could he have almost forgotten this? “Yes. Aftercare. After we have sex, I will make sure that you are okay. Provide you with anything you may need and we can talk about whether I did anything you did not like but did not feel warranted usage of a safeword.”_

_“I see…” Caleb’s voice trailed off, the idea seemed to catch him off-guard._

_“Don’t worry if you’ve never participated in such a thing. People’s needs vary, I’ve both physically and verbally reassured previous lovers. We will see what you need, if you don’t know, yet.”_

_Caleb nodded slowly. “Okay.”_

_Essek took his final sip of wine as well, setting down the empty glass. He looked up when he heard the noise of a yawn from the opposite couch. He agreed with it._

-

Caleb turned to him, holding the waistline of the pants he had already slipped into. “Back to the house?”

“…Why?” Essek asked.

Caleb looked away again and continued to put on his pants. “I believe I have taken up enough of your time, Shadowhand.”

The usage of his title irked Essek. But more than that, Caleb seemed a little… off. Weirdly distant, he supposed. “You can’t just… leave.” Essek got up from the bed, uncomfortable about talking up at Caleb. He slipped into his own pants very quickly, feeling underdressed next to him.

“We are done, are we not?” Caleb asked, not looking up again.

Essek pressed his lips together for a moment. “With sex, yes. But you have to stay… remember our discussion about aftercare?” It hadn’t been much of a discussion, to be fair. But still, Essek could not believe that Caleb had forgotten. Not merely in a sense of surprise. He sincerely, literally _did not believe_ that Caleb had forgotten. So why did he pretend to?

“Ah.” Caleb reached for his shirt. “I told you I liked it. Is that not enough?”

“No, it is not.” Essek pointed out, certain that Caleb actually knew this, as well. “We have to ensure that you are alright.”

“I am fine, I told you so.” Caleb slipped his shirt on.

“ _Caleb_.” Essek warned.

Caleb froze a little at the threatening tone. “What?”

“Are you expected home soon? Will you be missed if you’re not there within minutes?” Essek asked.

“Not for a while.”

“Then why do you insist on leaving?” Essek was genuinely confused. Usually, his subs _looked forward_ to this part. Luxon, Essek had even suspected once or twice that one preferred the aftercare over the actual sex itself. He mustered Caleb. He’d heard that some people required solitude after a brief check-in, instead of a whole care-session. But this didn’t feel like that. Moreover, if that was what Caleb recognized as his own needs he could just vocalize it. But he didn’t. He seemed bent on avoiding it altogether.

Caleb shrugged. “I feel that this… it’s a bit unnecessary. A waste of time, right? I feel fine. I am telling you as much.”

“You can’t know that for sure.” Essek was growing irritated. “I will not let you walk off.”

“Do you intend to forbid it? Will you lock me in?” Caleb’s hostility was surprising.

“Of course not.” Essek unclenched his own fists, trying to regain his calmness and de-escalate the situation. Caleb seemed to have gotten stuck in some uncomfortable part of his head. “But if we are to continue this, you have to agree to this part, as well.”

That gave Caleb pause. “…It is not necessary.”

“Caleb.” Essek sighed. “I just treated you like a possession. I… tied you up and basically said you were worth less than my damned desk. I said a lot of things- I need to make sure you’re okay.” Essek finally reached his bottom line.

“I am telling you-“

“ _How_ , in the Nine Hells, is _this_ the hill you are willing to die on?” Essek asked with exasperation. “You let me talk down to you and demean you but you won’t allow me to take a little care of you?”

Caleb looked at the ground, his movements stilled.

“I cannot force you to stay. Nor do I wish to. But trust me when I tell you that this is not unnecessary. Or wasted time.” He searched for words for a moment. “I don’t have to dote on you. Or praise you. I won’t do anything to make you uncomfortable. But if you can tolerate it at all to stay at least for a little while, I sincerely ask you to do so. This isn’t just for you.”

Caleb met his eyes at that.

“I need to assure myself that I did not actually harm you or made you resent me. I _want_ to take care of you. It feels _wrong_ to let you leave without that.” Essek explained.

Caleb regarded him for another moment. “Okay.” He nodded. As if to prove his agreement, he abandoned the chair that held his clothing and went back over to the bed. He crawled onto it. “What… ah… What do I do?”

Essek’s shoulders loosened with relief and he got onto the bed beside Caleb. He offered him a soft, reassuring smile. “Just let me take the lead. Tell me if I make you uncomfortable. You can ask anything, talk about anything you want to talk about, okay?”

Caleb nodded.

“Are you in any pain? Or discomfort?”

“Not at the moment, no.” Caleb replied.

“Alright. Your wrists are fine, as well, then?” Essek wanted to make sure.

“Ja.”

“Alright, good.” Essek wanted to reach out to touch Caleb, but he wasn’t sure how much touch was desired at this moment. He’d figure that out later, for now he’d focus on the basics. “Is there anything you require? If you’d like to drink something, I have water here, but I can fetch you something else. Are you hungry?”

“… The water, I think, would be nice.” Caleb reached up to gently rub the front of his throat.

“Of course, darling.” Essek turned and stood up to go fetch the water pitcher. That one, at least, was not part of a lineup of water pitchers that he’d scattered around his home, but rather one that he’d originally left there for himself.

“Da…Darling?” Caleb quoted with hesitation after a pause.

Essek froze. That sure had slipped out. “Ah… yes…” He was still turned away and grateful for it as it hid his blush from Caleb. “It’s… I assumed you would prefer something other than ‘pet’ right now. I can also call you by your name, if you prefer.” He turned around and approached the bed with the water.

“Ah. More pet names are fine.” Caleb replied.

Relieved, Essek sat down and offered him the glass. Caleb drank the whole thing, as well as a refill, with no time to spare. Essek tried not to think about whether he would have taken care of himself at all had he just walked out. He set glass and pitcher aside on his nightstand. “Anything else?”

“I wouldn’t know what…” Caleb admitted.

“Would you…” Essek normally didn’t have to ask these things and somehow found it gave him pause. “Would you like to be held? We could cuddle? I could play with your hair? Or we can just talk? I… What is comfortable for you? What… settles you?”

Caleb stared at him blankly. “I…”

“…Okay.” Clearly, asking wasn’t going anywhere. “… Here, let me try some things and you tell me what works for you.”

“Ja, alright.”

Essek contemplated their options. Initiating actual cuddling might be a bit much, considering how skittish Caleb was being about this. He should start with something more low-contact. He shifted a little on the bed. “Would you like to put your head in my lap?”

Caleb appeared to think about this for a moment. Then he gave a nod and moved, as well. They adjusted their positions until Caleb’s head was resting on Essek’s leg on its side, Caleb facing outward. His body was slightly curled into itself, laying fully on the bed. “Like this?” Caleb eventually asked.

“Is this comfortable for you?” Essek inquired.

“… Ja, very.”

“Then yes.” Essek smiled. He began running his fingers through Caleb’s hair. He had been wanting to do this for a while. Essek’s free hand rested on Caleb’s shoulder gently.

Caleb glanced up at him briefly, but then he looked away again before closing his eyes. Essek felt him starting to relax more. It was as if a rock was slowly turning into a puddle underneath his hands. Caleb’s breathing indicated that he was still awake, just accepting and even enjoying the tenderness.

Essek smiled to himself, secretly glad to have found something that Caleb liked. As he stroked and pet he looked Caleb over. He focused on his wrists, which were resting on the bed. There were still slight pink imprints of the scarf, but they were very light and on the verge of fading. This was good – there would be no unwanted remaining marks. Caleb had dressed already, so that was the only thing he could check on. He recalled having gripped Caleb’s hip quite roughly, but there was no way to see whether it might bruise and he wasn’t going to ask Caleb to take off his clothes again. Essek’s hand on Caleb’s shoulder began to draw circles with his thumb. After another moment Caleb had eased enough into the situation to let out a pleased, comforting hum.

Essek’s then stopped the circular motion and instead began trailing his fingertips across the length of Caleb’s arm. However, just as he reached the elbow, Caleb reached out and took the hand into one of his own. His eyes opened and he looked up at Essek. “I… ah… If you could leave my forearms untouched… I know it seems… foolish after the.. ah… scarf… but…”

“Of course, no worries.” Essek nodded and Caleb released his hand. He returned to the spot on Caleb’s shoulder. He made a mental note of this as Caleb closed his eyes once more, his hand dropping back onto the bedding. “Is there anything else you’d rather I stopped or didn’t repeat? Anything from the tryst?”

Caleb hummed in thought. “I … don’t think so… I liked all of it. You were being rather… rather mean about withholding… ah…”

Essek grinned a little. “But you liked it?”

Caleb nodded. “Ja.” He paused. “There is… one thing.” His eyes opened again.

“You can tell me.” Essek encouraged. He cringed internally, worried about what he’d done that had been unwanted.

“Were you… would you have left the curtains open?” Caleb blushed a little. “Because… ah… that would have been… too much.” He cleared his throat. “Not… not entirely undesirable… but… too much.”

Essek shook his head. “No. That would have been… _very_ foolish. I was teasing.”

“Ah… gut.” Caleb closed his eyes again. “That was… good, yes.” He cleared his throat, his cheeks were still red.

“I quite enjoyed your reaction.” Essek admitted.

“Ah… heh… I’m… I’m glad.” Caleb muttered.

A couple more minutes passed like this, Essek gently running his fingers through Caleb’s hair, switching up the patterns of his tender motions, Caleb resting awake in his lap, making the occasional sound of approval. Essek could do this forever, he realized. Just forget that anything or anyone else existed. So it was disappointing when his leg began to fall asleep and his hand started growing tired.

Caleb opened his eyes again as Essek stopped petting his hair and looked up at him expectantly. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes, everything is well. Would you mind getting up, though, I’m starting to feel a numbness in my leg.” Essek asked gently.

Caleb sat up without hesitation. He turned to look at Essek. “Forgive me, I didn’t…”

“No need.” Essek soothed. He leaned over and cupped Caleb’s cheek gently. Was he being more tender with him than with his previous lovers…? No, he probably just misremembered. “Could I interest you in a little more touch?”

Caleb nodded almost eagerly. Whatever mood he’d been in, it seemed to have passed completely and now he was more open for this portion of their agreement.

“Would lying down be okay for you? I… must admit that I’m rather tired.”

“Ja.”

Biting back a too-bright smile, Essek changed his position again. He laid down with his head on his pillow and extended one arm to the side. “Come here, then.”

Caleb obliged, shuffling over to him. Reading Essek’s invitation, he laid down with his head on his chest. “Hm. Wait…” He shuffled around, moving his head to rest more on Essek’s arm. “Like this?”

“Ah… that is cutting off my bloodflow, unfortunately.” Essek admitted. He patted a space on his chest with his other hand. “How about here?”

“I will try…” Caleb moved once more, resting on the indicated spot. “Is this okay?”

“Yes, that works.”

“Wait.” Caleb shifted just an inch more. “This too?”

“Yes.” Essek nodded. His arm curled around Caleb’s form. It was nice to feel Caleb’s cheek against his chest. The hair all but tickled his skin. For a moment, neither of them said a word and Essek listened to Caleb’s gentle breathing. His hand drew lines over Caleb’s upper arm, carefully avoiding crossing below the elbow. Essek closed his eyes. When had last been this peaceful? He never thought he’d take a moment just to listen to someone’s breathing. To feel their weight against his body. To notice how they smelled faintly and pleasantly like a cozy fireplace.

“May I… ask a question?” Caleb broke the comfortable silence with his soft tone. “It… ah, has nothing to do with this, however…”

Essek blinked, his eyes opening. He wanted to sigh but didn’t. “As long as it’s not Shadowhand-business. I believe I’ve told you where I stand on that in relation to… this agreement.” The word tasted awful as Essek spoke it. ‘Agreement’ felt so far away from this moment.

“No, of course. It was about the book you allowed me to read…” Caleb mused. “It proposed a theoretical approach to time in relation to form and drew some examples…”

Essek should be offended. He should be mad that Caleb didn’t want to discuss their great sex and had instead looped back around to magic. But… he wasn’t. Maybe it was because bringing it up even now was so quintessentially _Caleb._ And Essek could not bring himself to resent that thirst for knowledge if he wanted to. “Yes, I very vaguely remember that… again, it has been a while since I have given it a read myself.”

“Ah, yes, of course.” Caleb shifted a little but remained in his general position. “Well, it spoke of change of form in relation to time. To examine this it drew up some examples of shapechangers and under which conditions they perceived time differently and how time afflicted their bodies differently. I just… wanted to know whether those examples were theoretical or experimental… The book never stated it. But you made an annotation about that same question and I wondered whether you ever found an answer.”

“Oh.” Essek did vaguely recall looking into it, though it had been forever ago. He faintly remembered being interested specifically in the relation of whether the changed mass had anything to do with it. “Luxon, it has been a few years. I think I barely remember being disappointed to realize it was theoretical…”

“Ah, that is unfortunate.”

“I’m afraid so.” Essek reached up the hand that had rested around Caleb to play with his hair again. This hand hadn’t yet received the pleasure of touching those soft locks, after all. “If you are incredibly interested in it you could show me the passage sometime and I could provide you with my insights?”

“I- Ja- Yes! That would be wonderful.”

“I suppose you will have to come back to me for that once again, then.” Essek smirked.

“Are we not past the point of pretense that I have no desire to return?” He asked and Essek could hear the smile in his voice.

Essek’s own smile didn’t falter. “I suppose we are, yes.”

“I’m relieved.” Caleb stated.

“How so?”

“Well, I could not be sure you’d like my presence… After all, it is rather ill-advised to invite a potential lich into your bed.” Caleb looked back up at him with a smirk. “Unless… of course, you think me to fall into the category of ‘walking dead man’, instead.”

Essek’s eyes widened and he felt his cheeks heat up as understanding blossomed in his mind.

“… Oh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go, part two of this particular encounter featuring Caleb "Absolute-shit-at-taking-care-of-himself" Widogast.
> 
> Also, this is not written from Caleb’s POV so I didn’t get to explore it but I imagine his response to reading the annotation that amounted to ‘Empire wizards will fuck with this, the stupid ones die, the smart ones go insane’ was probably like ‘Ja. Fair.’ 
> 
> Writing the fluffy bits after the smutty bits is kind of like me having my cake and eating it too and I don't intend to stop.
> 
> Thanks once again for the pure and unfiltered motivation that is your comments & kudos!


	7. Until I can't feel anymore

_„Ah, alright.“ Caleb seemed to brighten up marginally at that. “I am… glad our interests align this well.” He admitted and gave Essek a smile._

_Essek felt that he could stare at it for hours. It was small but honest and genuine and, in spite of the topic at hand and in spite of that haunted feeling that Caleb carried with him, strangely pure. “As am I. It is rather serendipitous.” Essek considered the overwhelmingly positive turn his day had taken. And the much less positive ones that had come before it. “You are… truly interested in this, correct?”_

_“… Ja, I would not be here otherwise.” Caleb’s smile faltered as he scrunched his nose briefly. “… Why would I not be…?”_

_‘After everything I’ve told you.’ Caleb seemed to suggest but did not say it. Essek looked back down. “I was merely recalling the day’s events. I… will not pry, as I’ve said, but you appeared a little… absent during our conversation outside the Lucid Bastion. I…” Essek considered his choice of words. “I merely want to ensure that you are being… genuine about your interest.”_

_“I’m… It’s not like that.” Caleb insisted. “Today… ah… you are correct, I was… but that has nothing to do with this. The- I would have approached you about this, regardless.” He said resolutely. “I… had my mind made up about seeking you out for… ah… more the night after what happened. In the study, I mean. I promise you, I am not just looking for a distraction from today…”_

_“Alright.” Essek nodded, noting that Caleb had not disputed looking for a distraction in general. But that was fine. He just needed to make sure that Caleb was presenting true, considered interest and not a spur-of-the-moment attempt to get away from whatever demon had crept up on him that day. “Good.”_

-

Essek woke up the following morning as he did every morning. Alone in his bed. Alone, well, hopefully, in his home. After some talking and some tender caressing, his pet had emerged from his bed as Caleb once more. He’d left for home hopefully soon enough that no one wondered or worried about his whereabouts. Caleb had claimed to have control over the situation and Essek had, for lack of any better options, believed him. Essek’s mind had been blissfully absent of blue Tiefling ramblings, so he assumed that Caleb had made it back home in time. That was fortunate. What was not fortunate was the whole notion of Caleb leaving at all.

With a yawn, Essek sat up in his bed. He stretched and noticed dents and wrinkles in his sheets and pillows that were not the result of his trance but rather of his last visitor. He couldn’t help but smile at the small, inconsequential proof that Caleb had been in his bed. Maybe, someday, he’d get lucky and find more than a few wrinkles as proof. Essek really wouldn’t mind waking up to the sight of his lover. Maybe he’d even be able to persuade him to stay a whole day. Being at Essek’s beck and call as his pet. Or reading in his study all day as his student. Or a blessed mix of both.

Ceasing his revelry, Essek got up. He fluffed and arranged his pillows and sheets into a more orderly fashion, hesitating at removing the traces of Caleb before pulling himself together. Unbidden, his thoughts drifted back to the previous day as he caught a glimpse of a singular long copper hair. His mind returned to a friendly reading session turned something else. To tied wrists and begging. To gentle caressing and softly exchanged words. Essek sighed. He knew he could spend way too much time reflecting on his almost undeserved luck in finding a partner like Caleb. But he hadn’t the time to entertain such thoughts.

He headed to his closet, allowing himself to acknowledge how well Caleb was settling into his role, however. How he’d seemed less hesitant about undressing in general and how readily he let himself fall into Essek’s control.

He’d begged nicely, too. So many pleas that Essek could not count them all if he wanted to.

_please… fuck me, Essek, until… until I can’t feel anymore… please…_

Right. He’d said that one, too.

That one had been very important, even. Essek smirked a little at the memory of it. Remnants of that powerful feeling he’d experienced before surged through his body.

But as he thought about that particular plea, something struck him. It gave him pause as he tried to pick out clothing for his day. He recalled that, in a brief moment of level-headedness between lustful hazes and teasing, he had found the phrasing Caleb had used to be strange. Well, perhaps not strange, but noticeable. It had been extremely hot and attractive in the moment. A beautiful superlative. But… it was also a very specific choice of words on Caleb’s part. A request. To not want to feel.

As far as begging went, that probably was not that outlandish; maybe it was even quite common. But somehow, and perhaps Caleb’s initial odd mood after the tryst played into it, that statement lodged itself into Essek’s consciousness, labeled as something he should think about, figure out. Maybe be alarmed about?

_Until I can’t feel_

Why those words? Of course, in the moment, caught in a strong feeling of need and lust, Caleb probably hadn’t had much of a chance to carefully consider his phrasing and instead taken whatever words had fallen onto his tongue first. Essek hadn’t really given him the opportunity to think out a reply. But, and maybe it would not be this strange otherwise, Essek had offered him a different promise. He’d offered to make Caleb see stars. But instead of easily echoing this back, Caleb had altered it, said something else that he wanted. Intentionally or not. And surely, in a moment where the mind is getting lost in pleasure and grasping for words, it would much prefer taking anything handed to it from outside.

So what if, instead of a simple exaggeration, a more deep and genuine desire had escaped Caleb’s lips in that moment?

Something far more honest and vulnerable than he would have admitted to in his normal, collected state of mind?

Essek bit his lip as he collected a set of clothes, now fairly uninterested in the choice he’d made. It wasn’t as if anyone would see it beneath his mantle, anyway.

Essek pondered Caleb’s haunted eyes, his hesitation, his constant tired appearance, his wariness – things that accompanied him like persistent shadows. Considering this and Caleb’s admissions regarding the Dynasty’s prisoner, Essek would have to have been rather stupid or at the very least somewhat dense to not notice that there was something sizeable in Caleb’s past. Something that still weighed heavily on him. And it was no leap to assume that, at least in part, their arrangement existed to allow Caleb some reprieve from that. A taste of freedom from demons and shadows.

And that was perfectly fine. Arrangements like theirs often stemmed from a desire to flee. Even if only for a little bit. From expectations, societal norms or one’s own thoughts – by setting their trysts in a bubble where they assumed personas, they could leave everything behind that was unwanted. Temporarily. Essek himself was looking to not be the Shadowhand or a son of Den Thelyss or a hidden traitor for a little while. To just be regarded with marveling eyes and undying devotion for a bit.

But he didn’t want to abandon his feelings.

To him, what Caleb and he had gave him more feelings than he’d experienced, or maybe allowed himself to experience, in a while. He stood indifferent next to the Bright Queen, indifferent in the Dungeon of Penance, indifferent in front of the Martinet. This was him feeling _more_. Truly, all of the Mighty Nein caused this strange deviation in him. It was a dangerous little thing, those feelings, that he had to keep in check.

But Caleb sought to not feel. That, if true, was a worrying thought. Not merely because of all the implications of a person who did not wish to experience emotions anymore, but because that was something that Essek couldn’t provide. And did not want to provide. It had been – and still was – his goal to make both of them feel good. To allow them to have a pleasurable time by their set terms. Far away from responsibilities, from Lucid Bastions and battles, from politics and prisons. He didn’t want to make Caleb numb. In no way, shape or form. Yet, even if he wished to, to help him in that pursuit… how would he accomplish such a thing? What would that even mean, truly? It was a terribly conflicting thing to consider.

Perhaps, he was overanalyzing a simple plea, after all.

-

Essek regarded the book in his hands.

“An Introduction into the Progression of Time as it relates to Dunamancy, Dunamis itself and the Bending and Manipulation thereof”. It was an awfully inflated title. The Undercommon letters were all but squeezed onto the binding to make it still look somewhat presentable. Unfortunately but not at all surprisingly, Undercommon was the only language this book existed in. Essek recalled holding this book – well, not this one but the copy at his home – in his hands for the first time and deeming the title so very professional and academic. Now he was surprised that Caleb hadn’t snorted at it. Then again, he also hadn’t called out Essek on any of his annotations. Not while reading them, at least.

“I took no offense.” He had assured Essek the previous day while still pressed comfortably against his chest. “I thought it… to be funny.” He had added.

Essek had then spiraled into explanations and assurances nonetheless, pointing out how he had been different and ignorant, how he knew better than to generalize such a claim at this point, how he had been so young and very insensitive and only known small snippets about the Empire. Caleb had seemed more unsettled by the barrage of almost-apologies than by the notes themselves.

All that considered, Essek probably did not actually have to get a new copy of the book. One without his foolish annotations. And for a moment, he had considered not doing it and instead continuing to lend Caleb the annotated copy. Especially if Caleb found some joy in Essek’s outdated and inaccurate ramblings. But then he’d realized that he could not be sure that the lich comment had been the worst of it; and he had no time to go through the entire book to check and evaluate the annotations. So, a new copy was procured. Essek had just left the store, tome in hand and was giving it another look.

Now he had two.

_I could gift this to him._ The thought surprised him. There was, of course, no use for him to own two copies of the same text. He barely had use for the one in his shelf at home, as proven by him being unable to remember when he’d picked it up last before Caleb’s visit. And though the annotations were embarrassing and outdated and often just plain false, there was some modicum of softness he had for the older books in his collection. Those that had carried him through his earlier days of study. So he did not wish to throw it out for this replacement.

So, really, did he have any use for a second, newer copy taking up valuable space in his shelf?

The answer was a very obvious ‘no’. So what to do with it? Essek was not going to ask Caleb to buy it off of him, that would be more than strange – though he had no doubt that Caleb wouldn’t object if given the chance to get that book for himself. After all, Essek had been able to procure it due to his status, not because of any kind of ubiquity. But selling it was odd, so what of a gift? What would Caleb think about it? Would he feel more indebted to Essek? They weren’t in the type of arrangement where gifts were commonplace.

Their agreement did not include Essek spoiling Caleb and buying him things. And Essek, for the most part, was glad about this. He did not want an affair in which his status or income were meaningful selling points. But he could not deny the urge to smile when he thought about some of it. Specifically, treating Caleb to a very lovely dinner, buying him books when he felt like it… He wondered whether Caleb would blush if Essek did any of that. Would his cheeks flare up at an invitation to dinner the same way they did at an invitation to bed?

Essek shook his head. None of that was allowed. He realized he was still standing there and began to make his way home, having left the Bastion a little earlier to get this particular errand done.

But still… the book would be superfluous to his library and quite the opposite to Caleb’s if the meager assortment of books in his home study were any indication. And although ‘Tusk Love’ – whatever that was – came highly recommended by Jester, or perhaps _because_ of her burning passion for it, Essek doubted that it matched Caleb’s interests the way his non-fiction book with a long pretentious title did. So it only made sense for Caleb to have it. To have something academic sitting in his shelf, at least.

And yet, this gift would create a deviation from what they had. It would be tangible proof, something outside their scenes, that they shared something.

But would it? A teacher could give his student a book if he felt that it would aid the student’s academic development.

But it was more than that. This dumb pretentious new book would be so much more.

And Essek knew that.

-

So he gave the book a home right next to its older sibling. The poorly annotated one had really not looked that rough until its new counterpart sat right next to it. Ah well, at least no one would confuse them this way.

Essek looked at the new book for another moment. Though he had purchased it, brought it to his home and added it to his personal library, he couldn’t help but think of it as ‘Caleb’s book’. Certainly, he would not have bought it without Caleb’s interest, but it was still his possession. It belonged to him. It wasn’t Caleb’s. But it was.

Having spent far too much time agonizing over this particular book – though, to be fair, _any_ time spent fretting over it was probably too much – Essek left the two iterations behind. Just as he was about to leave his study, he heard the mental alarm ringing in his head. Someone was approaching his front door.

Joy swelled in Essek’s chest. More than was advisable. He had thought Caleb would be busy that day. This was a surprising, but definitely not unwanted, turn of events. Within seconds, Essek mentally postponed all of his evening plans, setting them to be done later or tomorrow or ‘whenever’. After a brief check-in with his full-length mirror he hurried down the stairs to the front door, grateful that no one was able to see him.

The door knocker sounded as he was only a few paces away. He closed the distance and opened the door.

His heart sank.

“Sorry to disturb you this late and at your … home, Shadowhand.” A female Drow, a representative, a woman that had grated on Essek’s nerves several times recently, stood on his doorstep. A polite smile on her hips, white locks falling down her back over her polished clothing.

Essek cleared his throat, hoping that his disappointment hadn’t shown. “It is… quite alright.” He tried to assure. He wondered why she would seek him out at this time and location. Den name or not, since she wasn’t of Den Thelyss it was… weird for her to visit him there. Of course, Essek’s towers were not merely his home, but also a location for research – hence their placement in the Firmaments – and thus it wasn’t as though she was infiltrating his private quarters.

But it was, all that considered, still very strange.

“I am quite busy, however.” He tacked on. It wasn’t a lie and he ignored the fact that he had been ready to postpone everything and anything mere seconds ago.

“I will not keep you long, I promise.” She said. “May I come in?”

Essek wanted to say no. It felt too odd. He never got visitors other than someone from the Lucid Bastion handing over a summons or something else being delivered to his home. Or… well, the visitor that had frequented his home the most recently. But he couldn’t reject her request. She was using the constraints of their society against him. Because it was unprofessional to keep a guest standing there, especially if the guest was a Den representative and _especially_ if he was the Shadowhand and had promised to aid her with her inquiry before. It wouldn’t be proper to discuss a matter on his front step. And that wasn’t even mentioning the questions one might have if they saw them conversing like this. Perhaps talking there would be weirder than just granting her entry.

“Unless you have another visitor?” She added.

_What?_ Did she know? About him? About _them?_ Had she maybe somehow seen Caleb sneak into his home before? No, no, Caleb must have been more discrete. And even if, Caleb was still his student and still one of his wards. She had no reason to assume anything more. No, this particular comment was probably a veiled jab at the well-known fact that Essek simply did not have visitors. Ever. But it wasn’t a clear enough insult for him to call her out on it. “No, I do not.” He replied truthfully. “Do come in.”

She entered and he lead her through his home, uncomfortable with every pace they advanced further into his towers. He brought her to the sitting room where Caleb and him had talked many nights ago. But as he levitated in front of her, he felt anxious and vulnerable and naked. Not merely because the intrusion was so unusual, but because he started to worry that his guest would somehow figure out the company he was usually entertaining. That she’d somehow see something of Caleb’s, though they were both meticulous about minding his possessions. Or that she could smell Caleb’s comfortable fireplace scent settled into the towers, already. It was irrational, Essek knew. She wouldn’t go hunting for copper hairs on his pillows. She’d never know.

But he couldn’t help it.

Uneasily or not, they got settled in the room, sitting down on opposite couches. Essek sat where Caleb had before. If there _were_ any indications on this couch then maybe he could hide them somewhat by occupying it. He pointedly did not offer his guest a beverage, though manners may have dictated that he should have.

She dove into her inquiry right away. Of course, it was about the house again. She explained herself and named some documents becoming outdated and thus invalid soon as a reason for disturbing him at such an unconventional time. They had even been signed lifetimes ago! Preposterous! And absolutely inconsequential.

As Essek was assuring her that he would see to things being dealt with in a timely manner and tried to subtly hint that she was not to seek him out at this location again, Essek heard that same sound of alarm in his head again. Someone else was approaching. Perhaps his frequent visitor? … Crap. Essek lost track of what his guest was saying as he counted the seconds, waiting for the sound of his door knocker to echo through the otherwise empty halls.

It took 27 seconds.

The representative stopped her explanation upon hearing the sound. “Oh? I didn’t know you were expecting company or I would not have-“

“It is fine, I am not expecting anyone.” Essek said. He didn’t move a muscle to get up.

“Will you not answer it?”

Of course, she would ask. But Essek couldn’t do that. Even if he told her to stay put and went to, painfully, turn Caleb away – if it was him – she could decide to pry, anyway. She’d merely have to hear that sweet Zemnian lilt that not many people in Rosohna had. In fact, Essek was certain that Caleb – when in town – was the only person in Rosohna to speak that way. It was too big a risk to take, depending on how Caleb would greet him, what he’d say, how he’d react to being asked to leave. So Essek just leaned back with a gentle shake of his head. “No, we are having a conversation, after all. They can wait.”

“Alright. I very much appreciate the time you are offering me for this matter, Shadowhand.”

“Of course.” Essek feigned sincerity. As his visitor continued to talk, he couldn’t help but think about his new, neglected visitor. If it wasn’t Caleb, after all, and instead someone from the Bastion, they would leave him a message or use other means of contacting him. But it was unlikely to be anyone from there. No, it was probably a very specific handsome Empire wizard that was standing there, waiting patiently for the door to open. Waiting for magic or studying or reading or Essek. … Maybe, once again, waiting way too long.

Essek cringed internally, he couldn’t Send and thus had no means of contacting Caleb. He couldn’t do much of anything at this moment but to let him stand there by himself and figure out on his own that this was not a good time. And he would, certainly, Caleb was smart, after all. But it was still an uncomfortable thought to imagine him waiting there to no avail.

The knocker sounded a second time. The representative paused once more and looked at Essek inquisitively. He merely gestured loosely toward her. “Please, continue.”

She did.

There was no third sound. Though he felt somewhat anxious over it, Essek was relatively sure that Caleb would not hold this against him. They had spoken about the need for secrecy, after all. And whenever the Mighty Nein left, Essek had no way at all of approaching or contacting Caleb, at all. But he still loathed the thought and that almost painful feeling expanding in his ribcage. Disappointing Caleb without so much as a word and being unable to say anything about it.

The feeling lingered for the remainder of the, mercifully, brief conversation and it kept him undesired company as he escorted the representative back to the front door.

“Thank you for your time, Shadowhand.” She said as he opened the door for her to step out. At least she did seem sincerely grateful for his attention, which Essek could appreciate.

“As I said, it is fine.”

“Oh, it appears there was a messenger for you.” His guest noted as she stepped out the door.

“Hm?” Essek followed her gaze and found a folded sheet of parchment sitting on his front step, held in place with a pebble. “So it would seem.” Essek agreed and picked up the message before tucking it away under his mantle. “Well, have a good night. I will see to your matter in the morning. Light be with you.”

“And with you.” She echoed back to him before turning to leave.

Essek closed the door. He felt glad and frustrated for his reclaimed solitude at the same time, both emotions originating from very different parts of him. He pulled out the parchment. It was unmarked, there was no name or anything else on the outside, certainly no seal of any kind. Essek unfolded it and read it.

_“Good evening Shadowhand,_

_It appears I have missed you or that you are occupied with other matters at the moment. Apologies for the disturbance. Both knocks to your home can be attributed to me._

_I hope to find you here tomorrow at this time to meet or to plan a proper time for a meeting._

_Regards, your student”_

Essek felt his cheeks grow warmer. Caleb’s handwriting was all but illegible usually, he must have taken time to make it more readable. Essek stared at the letter for another moment.

And pretended that his heart didn’t leap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We interrupt the normally scheduled gay wizard smut with some gay wizard pining. Trust me, folks, pacing and reasons. Next one is in the works, though I can't make promises on when it'll be here. I do try to proof-read them ... 
> 
> Quick aside, cause why not: Didn't expect there to be a whole lot of wistful pining and, like, introspection when I started but here we are. 
> 
> Also, phew! That kudo-counter, huh. Didn't expect so many of ya'll to be here. Thanks for those and for the lovely comments! They keep the writin' juices flowing. Yes. Gross.


	8. Please, continue

_“So…” Caleb was focused on the mesmerizing flow of liquid in his twirling glass. “When you call me ‘pet’… that indicates a… start, of a sort?”_

_“Well… not quite? Like any other type of tryst, it can start in a number of ways.” Essek shrugged. “Explicitly asking is always an option. I, myself, am partial to an obvious advance. For instance, if I were to run my hand through your hair… or you bowed to me… I think you know what I mean.”_

_Caleb nodded._

_“But honestly, if you wish to initiate, just try it. And if I don’t notice, simply ask.” Essek said plainly._

-

Essek spent the day after receiving Caleb’s note with combatting waves of excitement. It was a rare occurrence to know when his lover would show up, so this particular feeling of anticipation was relatively unfamiliar.

He was grateful that that day was a research day for him. Those allowed him to remain cooped up in his towers from unseen dawn to unseen dusk, blissfully undisturbed in his studies. Usually. Thanks to a rapid change of plans brought on by his intruder- _visitor_ from the previous night, he would have to check in at the Bastion to request a few things and set a few others in motion. So, as much as he did not want to, he left his towers that morning. Fortunately, he returned after just over an hour.

He got set up in his laboratory. Ingredients and tools on his tables, a few different books open and he began unravelling more mysteries of his craft. He was grateful for these days. When the Bright Queen had faith that he would use his time wisely for magical or political pursuits and he could just get lost for hours upon hours in his own head.

He actually managed to get a sizeable portion of focused work done before his mind allowed itself to turn towards the future and linger on the upcoming evening. As Essek stared at a part of his theorem, his thoughts abandoned the laboratory altogether. He pondered what they could do that night. How he could play his cards if Caleb was interested in an intimate little game. And Essek definitely hoped he would be. Though, he was likely to ask to read at least a few pages of his book before they got into it. That would place the both of them back in Essek’s study. Last time it had been a wonderful setting for the first half of their encounter, but Essek had cursed the lack of preparation and options. This time, though, he could anticipate it and hide a couple of things in his desk. It could turn into a delightful time…

-

Essek thought he might switch to Divination. The evening began just like he had predicted.

Caleb had appeared at his front step, with a nervous question about the note and the book on his tongue. Essek had said he was amiable to let him read more. Caleb had then hinted strongly that he would not be opposed to other endeavors as well – an intentional understatement by Essek’s estimation – and soon they were seated in Essek’s study once again.

It was a relief of a kind to know that his preparation was not going to waste.

Caleb was once again sitting on the chair opposite from Essek. His coat and scarf were discarded over the back, he was hunched over the table with his new book. Well, the new copy of his book. When Essek had given it to him, he had asked about the new appearance and immediately found the light in the fucking beacon by asking whether Essek had replaced it due to the annotations. Essek had then tried to hide the truth – that he was embarrassed about them – underneath a feasible alternative – that he didn’t want Caleb to get thrown off by their inaccuracy. And while the look Caleb had given him in response had not exactly been the definition of the word ‘belief’, he had refused to push for the old copy, accepting its newer sibling with a polite smile and eager salt and soot sprinkling fingers.

That had been about an hour ago. Now, Essek was reading up on some magical theory, a continuation of his earlier pursuits.

It was when his mind briefly drifted off from interpreting a particular depiction of a magic circle that he noticed he was being watched. Caleb had begun to look at him every now and again. Initially, these glances had been occasional, one would happen every three page turns or so. But they had grown more frequent to a point where Caleb was now looking at him and lingering on him multiple times between turning pages. The two-minute intervals that had been his steady reading metronome had also grown to make space for a few extra seconds at least, which Caleb used to stare.

It was strangely exhilarating. How Caleb seemed unable to keep his eyes away, how his demeanor spoke of want and admiration – all in absolute silence. Essek wondered whether Caleb had already picked up on the fact that he had noticed him staring. Perhaps Caleb himself hadn’t even noticed what he was doing. Regardless, Essek could tease a little.

His next page flip came up and Essek raised a hand to his mouth, drew his thumb over his bottom lip to wet the fingertip and used it to turn the next page. He usually resented this practice, but feeling Caleb’s eyes on him and seeing a slight shift out of the corner of his eyes made it worth it. He relished being able to draw and hold onto Caleb’s attention with such an insignificant movement. He adjusted his posture a little, inclining his head in such a way that would put forth his best features.

He allowed Caleb to observe him for a little longer, apparently giving him the time to completely forget his own read. As he let him linger, ideas sprung to his mind about how to shift from this to what he really wanted. Last time he had bent Caleb over the desk with his wrists tied and it had been absolutely incredible. He would definitely have to restrain him once more. This time he would make Caleb practice more self-control. How powerful it would feel to reduce Caleb to a blushing, begging mess with a few well-chosen words and nicely placed touches alone… all while Caleb could do next to nothing. Essek would tease him, offering kisses, then pulling away too far for Caleb to chase them.

Yes. Delightful.

“Enjoying the view?” Essek asked out of nowhere. He shifted his gaze from his book to look at Caleb.

Caleb’s eyes widened, a red blush crept across his cheeks and he seemed almost startled. “Ah-! I…” He stared back down at his neglected book. “I was… just reading…”

“Sure you were.” Essek teased, his eyes remained. “So you didn’t enjoy the view then?”

“I… I didn’t say that.” Caleb muttered.

Essek smirked. “I suppose… but then, why did you turn your head away so quickly? Why not… linger?” He emphasized each word with deep tones and lust, drawing Caleb in more and more.

“Well…” Caleb responded, his gaze remained unreading on the book before him. “Are you… telling me to look at you?”

Essek smirked. How wonderful it was to know they were on the same page. “Oh, pet.” He chimed and closed his own book before setting it down on the desk. “Surely you can be more subtle about wanting me to command you.”

Caleb swallowed.

“That… is what you are looking for, is it not?” Essek leaned forward.

“I… Yes… if you are… interested…” Caleb said sheepishly.

“Interested in what? You need to plead properly, my pet.” Essek coaxed.

Caleb drew in a deep breath. “Please command me today, Essek… please use me… I want to serve you until you have no use for me anymore…”

Essek swallowed. “Very well.” He got up. “I like your gaze where it is.” He said and pulled the curtains shut.

Knowing that Caleb couldn’t see what he was doing, Essek opened a large drawer of his desk and fished around in it. He took out some light, thin ropes – courtesy of his preparation a few hours ago. He closed the drawer and felt the rope a little. It would do nicely. He looked at Caleb, who was still sitting here, head down, just waiting for whatever Essek had in stall for him. And it would be quite a treat.

With a pleased smirk, Essek levitated around the table. He made a swift motion to close Caleb’s book. Though he assumed that Caleb wouldn’t be reading anymore, it was better for there to be no distractions. Essek looked Caleb over. His shirt complimented his shape and soon enough his pants would be nice and constricting. He’d have to beg for Essek end that particular restraint.

As Essek arrived behind Caleb, his gaze landed on the scarf that hung idly over the back of the chair. It was of a soft, nice fabric. It would probably make a delightful blindfold later. Essek grabbed Caleb’s hair with his free hand, yanked his head back and leaned close to his ear from behind. “If you’re that keen on watching, you won’t need to use your arms, right, pet?” He mused and Caleb’s breath hitched.

He released his hair and dropped himself to the floor. “Put your arms on the armrests.”

-

_“Moving on.” He said casually, breaking a spell in the room that no one had cast. “You know how to start, do you know how to stop?”_

_Caleb quirked an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”_

_“Have you ever had a safeword?” Essek continued his string of questions._

_“Ah, no… I have not…”_

_“But you know what it is used for?” Essek deduced._

_“Ja.”_

_“Alright, good. We will have to pick at least one. I would prefer if you had two. One that will inform me to pause or abort the current activity while continuing the remainder of the scene. And another one that will end it entirely.” Essek explained._

_“Sounds reasonable…” Caleb nodded. He began to twist his glass again. “I know its purpose but… ah… what, in your opinion, would… warrant the use of a safeword?”_

_“Anything that makes you at the very least uncomfortable.” Essek contemplated his answer. “Generally, I believe it is better to use them too liberally rather than too sparsely. I’d rather be stopped one time too many than one time too few. Whenever you feel as if something is wrong or you are not alright with what I am doing, use it.”_

_“I understand.” Caleb hesitated. “Have you ever made use of one? If you… don’t mind the question.”_

_Essek thought on it. “Once. It is far more likely to be used by someone in your position, however. I can simply control what happens in the scene.” He saw the curiosity glint in Caleb’s eyes and he knew that the answer was not fully satisfactory, yet. “If you must know; my… lover at the time turned things around and pinned me down. I had told him before that I did not want that. So I used the safeword and kicked him out when he got hostile over it.”_

_“Ah…” Caleb appeared contemplative, he stopped twirling his glass again._

_“But, er, back to the present…” Essek tried to bring them back on track. “Since you are more likely to use them, I would like you to pick two words that you can remember and say easily. Words that we would not normally use during a tryst.”_

_Caleb leaned back in thought, his index finger now tapping against the glass. Essek observed as Caleb retreated into his mind. He took another sip as he waited. Caleb’s head was resting on the back of the couch, exposing his throat. Essek found his eyes drawn to it. Then Caleb leaned back forward. “How about ‘Orange’ and ‘Lemon’?”_

_Essek considered them. “They work well, I believe. Is there any particular thought to them?”_

_“Ah… well, aside from matching your requirements, I set out to find words that are either so specific that they will never bear any meaning in my or my companions’ day-to-day or words of something ubiquitous…. The former is nearly impossible to achieve with my group… for all I know we could be having a lemon tree next to the other one tomorrow… So I settled on ubiquity_. _I think ‘orange’ would be good as the… ah… soft stop? And ‘lemon’ as a full stop.” Caleb explained._

_“Right, alright. They are sensible choices.” Essek nodded. “In addition to verbal stops, I would like you to have a non-verbal one. If you cannot speak, snap your fingers until I react. If you cannot snap, either, try repeating any motion very noticeably three times. I will be looking out for your signals.”_

_“I can do that.” Caleb assured._

_“Good.”_

_-_

Caleb took a moment before he followed the command. This was rather uncharacteristic for him – so far he’d been eager to fulfill all of Essek’s whims. Essek pursed his lips, waiting as Caleb’s arms came to rest in the designated positions. Caleb didn’t say anything. Didn’t object or complain or comment. Maybe the hesitation was the result of uncertainty about what was going to happen. That was something that Essek could change. He moved around to the side and began to loop the rope around Caleb’s wrist as well as the wood beneath it, uniting the two. “I am going to make sure you won’t even think to use your arms or legs. Understood, pet?” That should provide Caleb with some insight.

“… Understood.”

Essek paused briefly, the response had been rather quiet. Maybe his pet simply wasn’t in a talkative mood. That was fine, Essek could cut back on the responses he demanded and instead focus on teasing him. He could adjust to a different mood. He crouched lower, gently took Caleb’s ankle and guided it to meet the leg of the chair. He expertly tied them together, as well.

As he got up and moved around to extend the rope to Caleb’s other leg and wrist, he noticed that Caleb had begun hunching his shoulders. Nervousness? “Why don’t you give me a look, after all, dear pet?” Essek requested, standing at his full height again.

Caleb looked up at him. His gaze was difficult to read. He may have been somewhat conflicted about the situation. Maybe it was too much? He’d said this would be fine but his opinion might have changed.

“Do you remember your safewords?”

Caleb gave a nod. “Yes, Essek…”

But he wasn’t using them. Not even with that hint. In that case… Essek continued with Caleb’s other leg and then, finally, tied his other wrist, as well. Caleb’s gaze fell back into his lap and Essek noticed a shiver starting to take hold of his body. He was still mostly clothed… and it wasn’t cold.

Essek began to ran out of ideas about what might be causing this odd behavior. Caleb didn’t indicate wanting to stop but he also didn’t give Essek a lot of faith to continue. They hadn’t had many trysts so far, but even with their limited shared experiences, Essek could tell that this was not Caleb’s ordinary behavior… Quietness and obedience, yes, but… not like this. Maybe the bonds were too firm and Caleb didn’t know how to bring it up without objecting to the whole situation? Essek tested them. No, they were alright. “Is this okay, pet? Too tight?” He finally resigned to asking.

“It’s… fine…” Caleb muttered and the reply came out so quiet and vulnerable and _wrong_. Like Caleb’s thoughts were drifting away.

This was concerning. But why wasn’t he saying anything? He had been given tools to stop if he wanted to. But he didn’t. Maybe it was a different persona he was trying on? Essek wasn’t fond of the whole apathy spiel, but maybe Caleb wanted to try more indifference…

_Until I don’t feel anymore_

Was this what that meant?

Essek felt his own persona, his entire headspace falter. If this was what Caleb wanted of him, Essek couldn’t do it. It felt too wrong, too much like he was actually taking advantage of him. He’d try once more before cutting it off. “If something bothers you, use one of your safewords. You remember how, right?”

That time, Caleb didn’t respond at all. That was… much worse. Oh, so much worse .

“Pet?” Essek tried, worry settling into his gut. Caleb was shaking more, his head still hung low.

“Caleb? Can you look at me?” Essek tried. This was very, very wrong.

Nothing.

“Caleb?” Essek reached out a hand and planted it on Caleb’s shoulder.

The contact made Caleb’s head snap up. “Nein!”

Panic was written all over his face. Essek’s eyes went wide. “Nein?!” He echoed. What the hell was going on?

“Nein! Bitte nicht, bitte.” Caleb started to scream and writhe.

“It’s okay, I’m stopping! It’s stopping!” Essek grew frantic as he began to untie the knots. Fuck, if only he hadn’t tied them so elaborately. He freed a wrist and Caleb immediately used the free hand to try and tear at the rope that still bound his other. But to no avail, Essek had done solid work. A string of curses was all Essek’s mind managed to conjure up as he undid the bindings as quickly as he could. He avoided each freed limb as Caleb used them to try and fight his way out.

Once the last knot was undone, Caleb launched himself out of the chair. He got caught by the desk, spun around and only managed to fling himself onto the ground from there. He landed on his knees but turned around as if not trusting Essek with his back. He scrambled away further until his back connected with a shelf. He winced at the impact. Then he began to clutch himself, eyes wide, but not present, hands digging into his form.

Concern was over. Essek was panicking. He looked down at his terrified visitor, unsure of what was going on, what he was supposed to do. “It’s over.” He offered, trying to steady his voice and sound as gentle as he possibly could. “It’s alright, it’s all over, you’re free…” He felt nausea clumping in his gut as he spoke to Caleb like he’d just freed him from… abuse.

Caleb didn’t respond, he just shivered, gaze fixed on nothingness.

Fuck. Essek pressed his lips together. What the hell was going on? Essek had been told safewords before and stopped and dealt with the situation. But nothing like this. Nothing even _close_ to this. Caleb was sitting on his floor, shaking like a leaf in a storm and… Essek had no idea what to do. He hated the feeling. How helpless and uncertain he was. “Caleb…?” He tried. If only he could get through to him. But there was no reply. Maybe he wasn’t registering Essek’s presence or he himself was not fully there anymore. Essek didn’t know. How could he? How could he have any idea what was going on and how he was supposed to handle this?

 _Enough lament._ Caleb needed help. Probably. Of some kind. Essek would have to get through to him, make sure he knew where he was and that he was safe and that Essek would not do anything to hurt him. He tried to step closer, only a little and knelt beside Caleb. “Caleb…” He tried with a soft voice. “You’re safe.” He punctuated his words by placing a palm softly and carefully and slowly on Caleb’s shoulder.

Caleb jolted. “Nimm sie raus! Bitte! Bitte nimm sie raus! Ich kann- Ich halte das nicht aus!“

Essek immediately pulled his hand away. “Caleb, I don’t know what you’re saying!” Essek cursed. He hadn’t thought to prepare that particular spell.

“Bitte… bitte nicht…” Caleb just stared at him, no _through_ him, like he was in mortal danger.

“Caleb… it’s okay…” Essek tried, his words growing weak and fragile.

Caleb then fell into incoherent mumblings. Zemnian or gibberish, Essek wasn’t entirely sure.

“Pet…?” Essek tried as a last ditch effort. But it brought the same results.

Essek felt his chest ache. He scooted back a few paces to give Caleb some space. If touch made him freak out then he’d probably not want Essek in close proximity. Dread and worry expanded in Essek’s mind. What… what was he going to do? He had no idea how to handle this. This wasn’t part of their arrangement, this wasn’t – _what was this?_ He was at a loss, no solutions coming to his mind. He could keep his distance but Caleb was shivering and staring off and mumbling and Essek had no idea whether this would just… go away on its own. And if it did, how long would it be until then?

Essek gritted his teeth. He tried not to focus on what had brought them to this moment, tried not to let the guilt overtake him because that wouldn’t help. That wouldn’t soothe Caleb or help him or make him feel better. Essek was at a loss. But maybe someone else wasn’t.

He had to get the Mighty Nein.

They traveled with Caleb, if anyone knew what was going on and what it would take for it to stop, it would be them. Essek cringed. He could put away the ropes but even then, if he brought them over they would probably know. About them. Essek couldn’t find a way to devise a lie that would be believable but also wouldn’t omit anything that could assist in diagnosing Caleb. They’d know. Who else would know within days? How long until – No, that wasn’t important. He could swear them to secrecy, could try anything _after_ they’d figured this out.

Getting someone over there would be tricky, but he could Teleport them both to the Xhorhaus. Work from there. Essek raised his voice, but he didn’t get past the first arcane syllable. He saw Caleb shrink further into himself, his mumblings becoming louder and more frantic. He stopped.

“Bitte, bitte, bitte…”

“Caleb, I…” The Teleport would be over in a flash. The chances of a mishap were- He wouldn’t risk putting Caleb through a mishap. Not in this state. Even if the chances were very slim. Fuck. He could Teleport alone, grab whoever of the Nein happened to be closest and Teleport back. But… what if they weren’t there? How much time would Essek waste searching for them and leaving Caleb here all by himself? Or, rather, in the ugly company of whatever was going on inside his head. Essek saw Caleb’s fingers move over his limbs and slip under the hems of his shirt at the sleeves, starting to scratch at his forearms. No, Essek couldn’t leave him. Not for a second.

Fuck!

If only he could Send like Jester. For once he’d kill to have her intrude in his head only for the chance to answer and ask for help. Essek tried to come up with some method of contacting the Nein, but he couldn’t think of one. Not while staying here and without knowing where they were…. And… what if they didn’t even know what this was? What if this had not happened in their company, either? What if Caleb hadn’t even told _them_ about this?

Too. Many. Fucking. Variables.

Essek swallowed. He was on his own. He couldn’t touch Caleb to settle him, which is what he’d done during aftercare. He didn’t seem responsive to being addressed. But there was some awareness to his surroundings, he’d noticed the arcane mumblings, the touch, the proximity. It seemed like a crapshoot to figure out what Caleb perceived and what he didn’t. Essek would just have to try something. _Anything_. And hope for the best. All Essek knew was that he was not leaving this room until this had passed. Until Caleb could look at him and speak to him and tell him that it was gone.

Essek searched the room for absolutely anything that could be of use. Maybe he could put Caleb’s coat over his shoulders? But what if that felt restrictive? By the fucking Luxon, if only Essek could summon Caleb’s little fae familiar from wherever he was stashed away. But he couldn’t. What could Essek offer? After their last tryst, he’d enjoyed the touches that now made things worse. But he’d also wanted- Essek’s eyes landed on the book he’d lent Caleb. He always wanted to learn. Always wanted magic.

Essek stood up slowly and carefully in an attempt to not startle Caleb any further. He decided to not take the new copy. The old one… had better memories attached to it. He slowly went over to one of his shelves, pulled out the annotated book and returned to sit cross-legged a few paces away from Caleb, in front of him. He had no idea where Caleb had left off, so he picked a page early in the book at random. He glanced at Caleb briefly, who still didn’t acknowledge his presence.

By the light, this better worked. With no spell cast and him being uncertain of whether Caleb’s spell had faded, Essek would have to translate on the fly.

“Chapter Seven. The… er, warped perception of time in a Dunamantic field in… contrast with real time… progression. Several Dunamantic arcanists have, er… , reported a shift in their chrono… perception that could relate to…”

And so Essek read. It was awkward, he had to pause a lot to think of correct phrasing and translations and his voice probably didn’t intone the sentences very nicely. But he kept reading. Uncertain, embarrassed and at his wit’s end he read to get Caleb back.

After a paragraph, the Zemnian mumblings became less hasted. After half a page they stopped altogether. After another page, Caleb inclined his head to listen, though his eyes were distant. It took three pages in total for the trembling to subside. And another one for his breathing pattern to normalize. A total of ten and his eyes seemed to catch glimpses of the present. Another four and Caleb was amiable to closer proximity and touching his feet to Essek’s. A total of about thirty pages was what it took for both of them to sit next to each other, Caleb’s head resting gently on Essek’s shoulder. Essek moved to turn another page when, gently and gingerly, a calloused hand reached out to halt his movements. Essek looked over at Caleb, who wasn’t looking at him.

“…Thank you….” Came the weak mutter with a Zemnian lilt. It sounded tired.

Essek gently closed the book and set it down in his lap. He took Caleb’s hand into one of his own and set the union down on top of the book. “It’s… alright.” He lied.

Caleb exhaled. “No… it… it isn’t.” But… thank you for… ah… saying that it is…” He sat up straighter, the comfortable weight vanishing from Essek’s shoulder. Their hands remained joined. “I…” Caleb swallowed. “Fuck. I… I am so… so sorry for making you… fuck…”

Realizing that Caleb wasn’t going to turn to him at all, Essek looked at their hands instead. He wasn’t sure what to say. This wasn’t part of it. Emotions, their pasts, whatever that just now had been, was not part of it. But Essek was not bothered by that. Not necessarily. He was just glad for it to be over. And he’d prefer to never be witness to it again.

“I… I understand if this… ah… changes… things…” Caleb added.

“Well… I won’t try… _that_ again.” Essek said.

Caleb shook his head slightly. “I… I meant if you… If you’d rather not continue this at all… I wouldn’t hold it… ah… against you…”

“I don’t want to end the arrangement.” Essek insisted. “But…. I … did you know that that… could happen?”

Caleb cringed. “I… hoped it wouldn’t…” He admitted.

“… You knew something was off… didn’t you?” Essek asked. He didn’t want to push, but he had to know, had to _understand_ what he had just caused. “Before you… became unresponsive, I mean.”

Words failing him, Caleb replied with a simple heavy nod.

“Why didn’t you stop me?” Essek’s words were fueled by guilt. He had triggered this. If only he’d listened to his own thoughts a little sooner, if only he’d stopped the moment he felt something was off, then Caleb maybe wouldn’t have spiraled into this.

“I… I did…”

“… When it was too late, yes. And not even in one of our ways…” Essek still didn’t look at Caleb. He forced down every single desire that wanted to pry deeply into Caleb’s mind. To ask what had just happened, where his mind had been at. Why this happened, at all. When this had started. But this wasn’t an arcane experiment or study. He couldn’t risk alienating Caleb with his curiosity. So he opted to stay on task and just try to figure out the parts that he really needed to know. “I… I don’t know how that… _what_ just happened, how that works for you. But you seemed off beforehand… I just… I simply figured that you would tell me if you were uncomfortable. Or… worse. Why didn’t you use one of your safewords?”

“I…” Caleb’s grip became a little tighter. “I … thought I could do it… if I tried hard enough…”

“But if you had to push yourself-“

“I didn’t want it to … I … I didn’t… I just…” Caleb searched for words. “I didn’t want to… fuck it up.”

 _Oh no._ “That’s… not at all how that works, Caleb.” Essek resented that statement, but he didn’t let it show. Aggression wouldn’t help. Neither would Essek’s urge to point out how Caleb had said that this type of scene would be fine. It was an instinct to defend his own actions, a product of his guilt, and Essek fought it. He wasn’t on trial. Caleb wasn’t even looking at him. “It’s not ‘fucking it up’ if you’re making sure that I don’t hurt you.”

Caleb remained silent.

“If you had used it, I could have simply stopped. We could have found something else to try… it didn’t have to be this.” Essek explained. “Or, if you were feeling too unsettled, already, we could have taken a rain check. It’s not… a one-way thing. You always have an ‘out’. It didn’t have to… come to this…”

“I… I am sorry…” Caleb apologized. “I didn’t… I wanted to…”

“I know, but I need you to actually use your safewords. So… so that I know when to stop. And so that I know that you’re enjoying yourself when you’re _not_ using them...”

“I… you have offered so much…” Caleb mumbled. “This is… the one thing that I can do for you and…”

“This isn’t ‘for me’. This is for both of us. This isn’t paying me back for anything, we agreed on that. Are you… did you not have interest this entire time?” Essek felt his heart nearly stop.

“Nein! No… that’s… not at all what I meant… I…” He cursed. “I _want_ the arrangement… for… selfish reasons … I enjoy it… thoroughly.. ”

Essek exhaled in relief. Caleb sounded genuine. “Okay… but… for this to work, I need to know when you don’t like something… The only way I can trust that I’m not going too far is by having faith that you will use your safewords, if I do…” Essek sighed. “If I can’t… trust that you will, then… I can’t… keep doing this.”

Caleb tensed. “I… I’m sorry.. I really… Verdammt.”

“I don’t want you to be sorry.” Essek paused. “Don’t feel bad about… that incident just now. I am not mad at you for it, I won’t show you the door because of it, we don’t ever have to speak of it again if you don’t want to. But I… don’t want a repeat of it because you thought it better to grit your teeth through something rather than to inform me that you were uncomfortable.”

“Understood…”

“If something, _anything_ like this happens again because you chose not to use a safeword when you could have, when you _should_ have… I won’t sleep with you anymore.” It pained Essek to be so stern with Caleb. But he needed to know he was getting his point across. Somehow he felt hurt, too. Like a breach of trust had occurred on Caleb’s side because he had violated a rule. But informing Caleb of that would definitely not help – the man seemed to feel terrible enough as it was.

“I… I will use them… I promise you, I will use them.” Caleb resigned.

“That’s all I want, Caleb.” Essek re-iterated. He leaned the back of his head against the shelf, looking at the ceiling. “… So… just to be clear… it was the involvement of the chair or…?”

Caleb swallowed. “Being… being tied to it… yes… “

Essek nodded, certain he wouldn’t forget this information. “Is there anything else that you… “ ‘lied’ was such an accusatory word. “… may be unsure about… anything you said?”

“I… I don’t know… right now… I… don’t think so? I told you about the… ah…” He shuddered. “Cutting.”

Right, Caleb had made an effort to inform Essek. Perhaps he really had not known that this would not be okay. It made sense, Caleb was relatively inexperienced. That didn’t excuse him ignoring his safewords, of course. “That you did. Were there… any times during the last encounters where you… refused to use a safeword?” Essek hoped that Caleb couldn’t tell how tense the question made him.

“No.” Caleb shook his head. “This was… the first thing that made me … that… I didn’t like. Everything else was good… or… great…” He elaborated.

The tension faded. “Good… if anything else comes to mind… you know what to do. And please, do it.”

Caleb nodded. “Should I… ah… should I leave?”

“Do you want to leave?”

“Not… particularly.”

“Then stay.” Essek offered. “We can move off of the floor, maybe out of the entire room, if you like.”

“Ja… that would be nice…” Caleb hesitated. “We’re not… I don’t think I can… try again right now.”

Essek blinked. “The tryst, you mean?” He asked incredulously. “That is not in the slightest what I was expecting. I assumed we would just read.” He tapped his fingertips against the book that was still in his lap.

“Ah, yes, that would be nice…” Caleb sighed.

“Wonderful. Is there… anything specific you need? Anything I can do for you or get you?” Essek asked, a weak echo of their last aftercare session.

“Ah…” Caleb hesitated. “… a nice book and good company…?”

“That I can do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today on 'These Wizards suck at Feelings': Caleb Widogast defends his title of "Absolute-shit-at-taking-care-of-himself"!
> 
> Now I’ve had smut, fluff and angst – the holy trinity of fanfiction. 
> 
> Thank you as always for the kudos and comments! I know I keep saying how they give me life and motivate me but it just keeps being true, ya know?
> 
> Hey. Don't try to shoulder shit alone - your own problems or someone else's. Take care of yourselves!
> 
> EDIT: As requested, translation of the Zemnian/German below:
> 
> Nein! Bitte nicht, bitte || No! Please no, please...  
> Nimm sie raus! Bitte! Bitte nimm sie raus! Ich kann- Ich halte das nicht aus! || Take them out! Please! Please take them out! I can- I can't take this!  
> Bitte… bitte nicht… || Please... please no....  
> Bitte, bitte, bitte… || Please, please, please...  
> Verdammt || Damn it


	9. That I can do (I)

_Essek smiled at him. “Enough about anyone else. I want to talk about you.”_

_Caleb finished his glass with two large gulps and set it down on the table. “Alright.”_

_“If you are… ready to discuss things.” Essek added belatedly, eyeing the now empty glass._

_“Ja, I am.” Caleb nodded. “I am… not used to anything like this. I apologize if I come off as, ah, cold or distant.”_

_“Not at all. Your nervousness is perfectly understandable.” Essek’s own anxiety had largely ebbed away. He found himself feeling the same ease that he usually experienced when talking to Caleb. “How about we start with a rather simple matter? What would you like to be called during a tryst?”_

_“Ah… I cannot say that I’ve given the matter any thought…” Caleb scratched his chin._

_“That is fine.” Essek finished his wine with a gentle final sip. He set down his glass beside Caleb’s. “Do any ideas come to mind? Or a tone or meaning you would like the term to carry?”_

_“I am… unsure.” Caleb admitted._

_Essek nodded. He hadn’t expected Caleb to be fully prepared in that regard. He leaned over the table and took the wine bottle. He started to refill both of their glasses. “Some people like their name to have a personal touch. But that isn’t a requirement. There are plenty of non-sentimental options, as well.” He put down the bottle and picked up the glass. “I could provide some suggestions, if you’re interested?”_

_“Ah, yes. If you would be so kind.”_

_“Certainly. Well, some terms are softer sounding. Names like… ‘pet’ or ‘beautiful’ or ‘kitten’. But some prefer more punishing, demeaning terms. Insults like ‘slut’ or ‘whore’. But the name can be almost anything.” Essek explained._

_“I see…” Caleb plucked his own glass off the table. “Do you have a preference? About what you’d like to call me?”_

_Essek looked Caleb over – for the umpteenth time, but that was beside the point – considering his options. “I think ‘pet’ would suit you nicely. It can be said very sweetly or very harshly; I enjoy the versatility. Though, I may also switch to more insulting terms to be stern with you… unless, perhaps, you wish for something more demeaning in general?”_

_Caleb shook his head. “It is a good choice. Just…” He hesitated and began spinning his newly filled wine glass by the stem, like he had before. “… when you… use more punishing terms - which, ah, is fine – I would ask that you refrain from using any insults that relate to my appearance. Or- Or anything related to my homeland. Like… I don’t know… ‘Empire scum’. Or something…”_

_“Oh, I have no interest in carrying politics over the threshold of my bedroom door. You have absolutely no reason to worry about that.” Essek denounced the idea._

_“Sehr gut. Ah, very good. So… what about you? What, ah… ‘nickname’-“ He made one-handed air-quotes. “- am I to call you by?”_

_Essek leaned back in his chair. “I am not too particular about it, either. So long as it inspires submission, any term works. You can call me ‘Master’; it is quite functional.”_

_As he finished speaking, Essek noticed Caleb appear to shrink in his seat. The glass stopped spinning. “Ah… ‘Master’, yes?” Caleb tried on the word with his mouth. It sounded extremely fitting, but at the same time as though he had bitten into something bitter._

_“Or anything else.” Essek offered. “Like I said, I am not particular about it. And I am certainly not married to that term…” He wondered what had set off that response. But, once again, he decided not to push it, no matter how much he wanted to. “We can gladly use a different one.”_

_Caleb nodded, visibly relaxing. The glass started into its next performance. “… How about I just call you ‘Shadowhand’, then?”_

_Essek grimaced. “While that is, strictly speaking, a term of respect, I would much prefer leaving my profession at the door. Right next to the politics. I am not the Shadowhand to you during a tryst. And the last thing I wish to think about during sex is work.”_

_Caleb nodded along with the explanation._

_“… The same goes for my last name. I do not want you to refer to me as ‘Lord Theylss’ or ‘Anything Thelyss’ as the chosen term of respect. My Den has nothing to do with this, either.” He elaborated to weed out that particular idea, should it have taken root in Caleb’s head._

_“Of course.” Caleb raised his voice. “How about I just call you ‘Essek’, then? No jobs or Dens or politics attached to that… Not in the same way, at least.”_

_Essek looked at him blankly for a moment. Just his first name? That was a first. ‘Essek’ demanded no respect, commanded no attention. That name was nothing without his Den’s behind it or his title in front of it. Yet, Caleb wanted to say it like it was its own honorific. He thought about the idea. Caleb begging, saying ‘Please, Essek…’_

_He swallowed. Hard._

_“Well, usually, the usage of nicknames ensures a… separation from the normal relationship.”_

_“Ah, ja. That makes sense.” Caleb replied, with a bit of sheepishness like he was a student who had given the wrong answer. “So, none of your names then…”_

_‘More, Essek, please…’ Caleb’s voice pleaded in Essek’s imagination. He took a long sip. “Since I cannot think of a proper alternative… I am inclined to give it a shot. We will switch to something else if the need arises.”_

_“Wundervoll.” Caleb took a sip._

_Quite._

-

The day’s events left Essek rattled – far more than he would have liked to admit.

Though him and Caleb had agreed on reading, Essek had not actually managed to get a lot of that done after the incident in his study. And considering how rarely Caleb had turned a page, Essek couldn’t imagine that he had fared much better. They hadn’t really spoken any more. It had been a weird mood in which the incident had begun to fade as though it had been a shared fiction, not a very harsh shared reality. They hadn’t touched anymore, either.

Essek didn’t know what he begrudged the most as he shut the front door of his ever-empty towers from the inside. He’d been reluctant to let Caleb leave alone, but had been fed several assurances than an escort would be unnecessary and suspicious. For a long time that evening, Essek stayed alert for any Sendings from Jester that asked about Caleb’s whereabouts. None came. He must have made it home.

-

If Essek had his way, him and Caleb would have followed up their private meeting with another one the next day. So that he could assure himself properly that Caleb was, indeed, fine. That it truly had just been a moment, a temporary mindset, that had faded. But he wasn’t given the chance. Instead, Caleb was accompanied by the rest of the Mighty Nein. Caleb _appeared_ to be fine. He was polite and reserved and a little haunted, like he usually seemed to be. But Essek refused to underestimate his capabilities as an actor for a second time.

But with his hands tied and his mouth gagged by social norms, there was not much he could do but bid the Nein farewell as they left on another trip. Leaving him a little more lonely and his world a little colder.

Leaving him to try and persuade himself that the amount he spent thinking about Caleb was normal in their circumstance. He worried and tried to dissect the incident many times over. He didn’t linger on ‘what ifs …’ – he had never been the type – but did, for once, settle on hope. Hope that Caleb would behave better, more responsibly, next time. So that this did not have to end already.

Essek wanted to ask Caleb all about his past when he got the chance. To ask for reasons and pry further and further until he’d learned all there was to learn about Caleb Widogast. But he wouldn’t. Because he couldn’t. Questions like those that burned away in his head were far outside their set boundaries. Caleb telling him when to quit and communicating his limitations properly was all Essek could hope for. Anything else – stories about his past, emotional admissions about his state of mind – were not relevant and therefore not required.

Essek didn’t like it. One night, as he failed to calm himself enough to sink into a proper trance, images of scratching fingers and distant eyes painted themselves onto the backs of his eyelids. As he opted to stare at the ceiling instead, he came to the conclusion that the incident, as thoroughly awful as it had been, had at least provided him with the opportunity to tell Caleb to voice his needs. He focused on that responsible thought, deciding to ignore the irresponsible and surprising urge to protect Caleb and ensure that he would always feel safe around him.

-

The next time they met, Essek still did not get his way. Not at all.

Initially, he had thought that everything was going rather well, all things considered.

That was until that captured Scourger sank her weapon deeply into Caleb’s throat, painting some of her cell in red.

Essek hadn’t seen it coming. He hadn’t _expected_ for things to turn out this way. And, perhaps, that was even more terrifying than the assault itself. Somehow Essek had become blind enough to parts of his surroundings to not realize how clearly and obviously Caleb could have died.

His friends were there quickly, providing healing and protection. Essek offered something else, raising the Scourger into the air…

The crack was a satisfying sound.

-

The day seemed a mess and the last breath of Caleb’s incident was still ghosting around in Essek’s mind. So he had not expected it to be the day he would earn a new name. Title? Status? Truth be told, he had not expected to earn this title… ever. But the Nein had always been terrible at sticking to what people expected. So perhaps the unexpected should have been accounted for to begin with.

_Friend._

Caleb had bestowed that title upon him during their studies. He’d offered it freely, with a smile. Had infused the word with genuine and honest kindness. So much that Essek felt that Caleb was, in fact, alright again. For his standards, at least. Essek didn’t know whether that should be a relief or cause for further concern as it could indicate that Caleb was very used to his mind running away from him.

_Friend._

The word got stuck on the forefront of Essek’s mind, lingering even as he left the Mighty Nein that day. Leaving them with two new spells given and a new status taken. They were so readily extending their hands to him in friendship. Caleb was. And Essek gladly accepted the invitation.

_Friend._

Essek allowed himself a smile as he floated into his towers. A warm, kind word. Essek was allowed so few warm, kind things these days. He wasn’t sure what feat he had performed to be offered this name. It did not feel like it was directly tied to the favors they owed and their interactions had been largely professional – well, with very clear exceptions. Of course, there had been signs. He had endured Jester’s hug and cupcake, enjoyed the Nein’s quirky bickering and relished the fact that they appeared happy to see him.

_Friend._

Essek sighed as he ascended the staircases to his laboratory. The Nein – his new friends - were so _naively_ offering this bond. They did not truly know him or what he was doing, let alone what he had done. And though Essek was not good at… friendship, even he knew that those kinds of secrets did not bode well for a fragile and new relationship such as his to the Mighty Nein.

 _Friend_.

Essek worried as he entered his lab, preparing to conduct his research in solitude, like we was used to. A voice interrupted him. An unpleasant one that sent dread into the pit of his stomach: “Things are on track. Proceed as planned, Shadowhand.”

_Friend._

Essek frowned as he sent back the reply. “Very well.”

-

Caleb’s visit that night was surprising.

Essek wasn’t sure why. Maybe he had figured that the attack on Caleb’s throat had shaken him too much to visit, or perhaps it had been the intrusion into Essek’s own mind that had placed him into a headspace where any visit was unexpected. He tried to ignore a third option for his surprise – that he had started to become deeply worried that Caleb would find his home too traumatizing to return to. Regardless, the surprise was not unwelcome.

“I see you have found your way to my home, yet again.” Essek greeted, feigning smugness. He immediately allowed Caleb to step inside. Whether he was there for studies or sex or even to just request another favor for his group, Essek did not care. He was grateful for his presence and the potential distraction he brought with himself.

“That I have…” Caleb agreed and stepped into the hall as Essek illuminated it for him. “Thank you for allowing me to come in.”

Essek had thought it would feel weirder to meet Caleb properly alone again. But with the preceding Dunamancy lesson and their shared conversations during, the ugly moment from the past felt already faded and distant. The mood felt light, friendly. As if both of them had agreed without words to abandon that dreadful memory. To maybe even make some better ones, instead. “Of course.” Essek replied, closing the front door. “Well… not that I wish to rush anything, but if I may ask, whom did I just let into my home? My student or my pet?” Lover, friend, pet, student, ward… Caleb was racking up quite the names in Essek’s head.

Caleb looked up at him with a smile. “Your friend, perhaps?” Gods, Caleb’s smile was brighter than any light the Luxon could have ever hoped to create if he had been real. “I was hoping for… a bit of both, to be honest.” He glanced away sheepishly.

“Oh?”

“Ja… there… well, not to overstay my welcome, especially at this hour, but…” Caleb shifted his weight on his feet around and fidgeted with the hems of his sleeves. “I was hoping to maybe… continue the book you have been lending me.”

“Did I not just today teach you two new spells?” Essek asked rhetorically.

“Ah, yes.” Caleb flushed. “I do understand if I am pushing too much…”

There was that responsible voice in Essek’s head that had become steadily more quiet with each of their interactions. That voice wanted Essek to tell Caleb that he was, in fact, pushing too much. That between spells, Teleport services and the execution delay, Essek had already invested far too much of his resources into Caleb and his group. But while Essek would sit on those favors until each last one was repaid, he would be lying if he claimed to have invested too much into them. He could not deny looking forward to the Nein’s return whenever they left. Neither could he pretend that he did not long for Caleb to appear at his doorstep when he had not done so in a while. This odd group was a surprisingly refreshing change of pace to Essek’s lonely day to day. And Caleb. Well. Caleb was… many things.

“You are pushing quite a bit.” Essek admitted and he noticed Caleb’s expression begin to fall. “But I would hate to waste an opportunity for us to meet like this.” He turned toward his stairs. “Come now.”

Caleb lit up immediately. “Thank you, friend.”

And with that they were off.

-

Essek didn’t take Caleb to his study that time. He still wasn’t completely sure how Caleb’s… condition… functioned. And thus, what things might cause another incident. He evaluated the risk briefly and determined that the location would probably at least unsettle him, which would be a bad start to their shared evening. And since there were plenty of other options to choose from, Essek settled on taking him somewhere else. He selected a, for lack of a better term, living room. Though Essek had certainly not done a lot to reinforce this label, he lived in his study and lab more than anything else.

He opened the door to find the room comparably bright with moonlight. As Caleb stepped inside, globules of light in tow, Essek tried to read Caleb’s expression to discern whether this was a favorable location for him or not. Caleb seemed curious but relaxed.

Good. Aside from the general theme of color and décor that all the rooms in Essek’s towers exhibited, there was not much reminiscent of the study. The room was furnished with two large couches, facing each other over a small coffee table. A few shelves lined some of the walls, filled with some tableware that Essek could not recall ever using, some books, naturally, and a few smaller objects. The heart of the room was in the corner – a hearth that had not breathed fire in all the time Essek had lived in this place.

As Essek’s eyes landed on it, he felt the strange sudden urge to visit every room of his towers and take inventory of what he’d used and what he had not. Though he made an educated guess that anything not related to study, research or basic needs would be noticeably neglected. He also made the sharp decision not to entertain the thought of how much more often he would sit in living and dining rooms if he had more permanent handsome company like his current guest.

Caleb was still stepping around the room, examining it. As he stepped to one of the large windows, he dispelled his lights and looked outside. “Your home is like the Happy Fun Ball…” he mused as he looked out at the Firmaments.

“Pardon?” Essek blinked in confusion. He entered the room further, as well.

“Ah, sorry… I just meant…” Caleb turned to look at Essek and in that moment his hair and face reflected the glimmer of faux stars and moonshine. A white almost surreal glow painted on his features. He cracked a small smile. “There always appears to be more to discover.”

Essek felt his throat close up, he thought he could hear his own heartbeat. Caleb looked as though the Moonweaver herself had descended to Exandria to grant him a kiss. “Oh…” Was the extent of the response he managed to make.

Caleb then moved away from the window, allowing Essek to tear his gaze away.

“I will go and retrieve the book.” Essek announced, trying to pull himself together and not linger on the moment. But a thought gave him pause. Which book? Would the new copy make Caleb uncomfortable after it had been all but complicit in the incident? Would he have to provide the annotated one? Essek could not imagine himself getting a lot of reading done while frantic over Caleb reading his old notes. “Which… which iteration would be suitable for you?”

Caleb quirked an eyebrow but then understanding washed over his face. He cast his gaze downward and Essek felt guilty for asking at all. “Either is fine.”

“… Are you certain?” He also felt guilty for pressing.

“Ja.” Caleb met his eyes but only for a second before they found the view of the Firmaments again. “I won’t… it doesn’t work like that… bring me whichever you prefer, I will gladly read it.”

Essek could tell that Caleb had no interest in telling him how it _did_ work, so he just gave a nod. “Right then, make yourself at home.”

He turned and left Caleb behind, hoping to return to find that some of the new tension had melted away. To perhaps facilitate this and regain his composure, he allowed himself some time as he went to his study. He retrieved the new version Caleb’s book and a tome for himself that sat on his desk. As he headed back, books in hand, he thought that he should probably offer Caleb a beverage. He hadn’t done so the last times they had read together, but the living room was a more relaxed setting than the study had been. Essek didn’t like to drink alcohol before a tryst – which was hopefully where this would end up – and he had noticed the Nein having an affinity for tea.

When he returned, he found himself stunned. Caleb had settled down on one of the wide couches in one of its corners. His scarf and coat had once again been placed over the back of it. The surprising part was that he was illuminated by the soft warm dancing glow of a fire. Essek glanced over to his hearth as he entered the room, finding a small but healthy flame flickering away gleefully.

Caleb looked at him, warm light bathing his features, submerging every corner and every curve and plunging into the contrasting blue of his eyes while seeping into the red of his hair. His curls looked like strands of glittering gold and copper. “Ah, willkommen zurück… I hope… you don’t mind, I saw the hearth and I couldn’t…” He looked down sheepishly. “…couldn’t resist.”

A bit of a pyromaniac, then. “Right. It is… quite alright. I am… surprised those old logs took.” He advanced further into the room, ignoring how the mood had shifted into something almost romantic.

“An arcane spark probably, ah, persuaded them to.” Caleb shot him a smile. Essek wondered whether those were becoming more frequent as of late.

“Magic can be persuasive…” Essek mused as he handed Caleb his book. He didn’t settle down. Before he could occupy himself with the complicated decision of where to sit, he’d have to decide on whether to proceed with his idea to offer Caleb tea. Tea was not… _huge_ in Xhorhas. Not like it apparently was in… wherever Caduceus hailed from. And Essek was not sure what blend of tea he had available. He knew he had _some kind_ but would that be enough for a tongue that had undoubtedly been honed by expertly mixed herbs?

“Is everything alright?” Caleb then asked, looking up at Essek who must have looked awfully contemplative.

“Hm? Oh, yes. I was merely thinking about something…”

Caleb stared down at his closed book. “If this is about last time…” He started.

“No, nothing like that.” Essek assured, desperate to not let the mood dip into that again. “Everything has been said and settled about that.”

Essek noticed how some tension faded from Caleb’s shoulders. “Ah, yes… you haven’t changed your mind then? About proceeding… with me?”

“I stand in the same position as last time. I wish to continue, as long as you adhere to our set terms. In all regards.” Essek reminded.

“Ja, I am going to do that…” He agreed. “I… must admit to some relief. I worried that you might have… changed your mind.”

“On the contrary.” Essek gave him a smile. “I am very much looking forward to our next tryst.”

Caleb’s blush looked even warmer tinted in the light of the hearth’s glow. “So… So am I…” He fidgeted with his sleeve hems and avoided Essek’s gaze.

“Wonderful. Tea?”

-

So they ended up sitting on the same couch. Caleb had claimed one corner for himself. One of his legs was on the seat beside him, its ankle tucked underneath the other leg which dangled off the couch. His left arm was on the backrest, his other held the book he was reading. Essek had retreated to the opposite end of the couch, grateful for its overall length as it placed some space between them. After much internal debate, he had allowed his mantle to join Caleb’s clothing. And upon seeing Caleb shift to be turned toward him, he had tucked his own legs onto the couch to return the favor.

Caleb had just refreshed his spell for the second time that night and was still eagerly turning pages. Essek was busy with his own book. He would have liked to read about magic, like his counterpart, but was instead focused on a Common read about history. Specifically history foreign to Xhorhas. He had been tasked to learn more about some specifics of historic actions of the Dwendalian military. This was the third history book he was reading for information on the subject. The first had been blatant Empire propaganda with the deceiving binding of a history book, the second had been almost as blatant Xhorhassian propaganda with a similar approach. Now he was trying to gleam more neutral information from tomes that covered a larger variety of topics.

Unfortunately, the author had the tendency to flounder, allowing Essek’s mind to drift at times. He glanced over the edge of his book. Caleb looked very relaxed. His arm on the armrest was fidgeting with a small chunk of amber. Essek mused quietly about the domesticity of the moment. Two intelligent, knowledge-hungry arcanists, reading together in comfortable companionable silence by the light of a freshly revived hearth. A pair of tea cups slowly being drained over the course of hours. Essek heard rain drops falling onto his window panes, as a late night downpour had begun outside moments ago. As if closing them off from the rest of the world.

Caleb’s gaze was fixed on the pages. It took him a bit longer to read than usual due to the usage of his spell and he appeared intent on not wasting any precious seconds. Essek wondered whether he’d want to learn Undercommon to read without magical assistance. It wasn’t a particularly simple language, but Essek had no doubt that Caleb would pick it up at an unprecedented speed. He thought about teaching him. Listening to him pronounce the more difficult sounds. Hearing him speak Essek’s native tongue with that lovely accent. Gods, what would that even sound like?

What if Essek could learn a bit of Zemnian?

Revelry aside, teaching him could be a good idea. With the Mighty Nein spending a lot of time in Xhorhas- well. Essek couldn’t be sure that they intended to spend much more time there in the future. Abode and all, the Nein remained without proper alliance and, of course, entirely unpredictable almost all the time. They could leave to never return any way.

An awful thought.

Essek scrunched up his nose and narrowed his eyes as he returned to the Empire history. As he read about human arcanists in battle, he couldn’t help but picture Caleb. How long before all of this would inevitably end? How long before he would return home?

“Herr Thelyss.”

Essek looked up at the real-life version of his imaginary history-Caleb. This one was much better. It wasn’t fighting Kryn, for one thing. “Yes, Mr. Widogast?”

“Is the history of my home country that much of an unpleasant read?” Caleb asked – Essek had let the nature of his research slip earlier that night.

Essek cleared his throat, taken aback by the question. “Not at all. What would give you that impression?”

“Ah, well, you were squinting at the pages as though you might erase historical figures with your gaze alone.” Caleb stated with a humored tone.

Essek straightened his back some more to appear a little less caught off-guard. “Observing me closely, are you?” He teased.

“I happened to look up.” Caleb said and Essek knew that he was being honest. He would have seen anything else because he had been eyeing him for minutes. “You know…” Caleb continued. “If there is something you wish to know about that part of the world…” He slowly closed his book and placed it on the table beside his tea cup. His put his chunk of amber into a coat pocket. “Perhaps I could… ah…” He shifted around to get on his hands and knees on the couch before getting closer to Essek. “… Perhaps I could be of service to you?” He said sheepishly, looking into Essek’s eyes.

-

_“You are not giving me a lot of credit here.” Caleb complained, though the tone in his voice was good-natured. “I may not have knelt in front of dozens of men, but I’m not clueless.”_

_Essek chuckled. “No, I have noticed that you are capable of a fine lingering gaze. And some lovely honey-dipped words.”_

_Caleb looked up from his spinning glass at that and Essek was once again struck by the beauty of his eyes. He smirked. “You are not so bad at it, either.”_

_Essek let him make his understatements while he still could. He held Caleb’s gaze and slowly raised his wine glass to his mouth before drawing the tip of his tongue over the glass slowly and then placing it against his lips. He watched Caleb’s smirk fall a little and his glass stopped moving as his eyes lingered on Essek’s mouth. His lips parted a little and longing filled his eyes. Essek took a sip and Caleb cleared his throat and looked away. “Not so bad, yes?” Essek teased._

_Caleb muttered something in Zemnian and took a long drink._

-

Essek flushed a little, surprised by Caleb’s advances. He was on all fours directly in front of him looking at him with a gaze that spoke volumes about desire. Essek loved how _wanted_ it made him feel. Between _that_ and Empire history, he hadn’t much of a choice to make. He slowly closed his own book, placing a marker on the page and putting it aside. “Oh, is _that_ what you want?” Essek challenged. “To serve?” He reached out a hand to brush a loose lock of auburn behind Caleb’s ear. His fingertips then trailed along the stubbled jawline possessively.

“If… you will allow it.” Caleb looked at him with those bright blue eyes that only seemed brighter and bigger in the warm glow of the room. “Please…” He added, gently, most likely full aware of how much Essek loved that word on his tongue.

“’Please’, you say…” Essek echoed, drawing out the moment, letting Caleb simmer in his anticipation. “I wonder… do you ask as lovely in Zemnian as you do in Common?”

Caleb looked at him for a moment. “Bitte, Essek…”

“Oh, you most certainly do.” Essek smirked. He leaned closer, shifting a little to accommodate his new position. He moved his hand from Caleb’s jaw back to his hair, running his fingers through soft curls. He saw Caleb’s eyes flicker down to his lips once… twice… and a third time in anticipation as Essek decreased the distance between them, deliberately waiting. “Ask me to kiss you. Do it in your native tongue for me, pet.”

“Bitte küss mich, Essek…” Caleb muttered, his cheeks flushing, his gaze continuing to dance between Essek’s lips and eyes.

Essek was torn between the allure of the foreign words and the desperation to understand them. Then again, he sincerely doubted that Caleb would actually go against his wishes. “If you are so desperate for it…” The fingers in Caleb’s hair stopped caressing and curled, gripping instead. Essek pulled Caleb close.

They met and Essek’s eyes fell shut. His free hand grasped the collar of Caleb’s shirt to hold him close.

It was… different than it had been before. Slow. Each motion drawn out. Essek couldn’t tell why it had changed and he could not bring himself to care. He tasted Caleb’s lips, enjoyed how their mouths fit together as if made for each other. After a moment, he withdrew slowly, only to gently bite Caleb’s bottom lip. Caleb’s breath stuttered and Essek was delighted. He released him and returned to the kiss. Their lips met a few more times before Essek tentatively slipped out his tongue to find Caleb’s and the sensation was divine. He pulled away and swallowed before going back in for more. Kissing, tasting, lingering. Heat grew in his chest and set his nerves on fire. Essek saw embers glinting joyfully in his mind, dancing, unbidden over all of him. And for a brief moment, as he felt like his soul might be abandoning the Material Plane, he wished to experience all the ways in which he could kiss Caleb. Brief and long, lustful and gentle, ‘hello’ and ‘goodnight’ kisses… but he caught himself and pulled away.

He looked at his lover, who only withdrew a little, his breath shaky and his gaze seemingly planes away. “Thank you…” Caleb whispered as if Essek had just kissed life into him.

Essek tried not to let it show just how grateful he was, as well. He grasped for his authority and control. He loosened his grip on Caleb’s hair and resumed stroking it. “What will I do with my lovely pet today…?” He mused, trying to bury the fantasy of sleepy morning kisses underneath the very real and palpable lust between them.

Caleb leaned into his touch.

“You’re looking at me like you will die if I don’t touch you…” Essek teased, slowly coming back to his senses. “Do you need me?”

“Yes, I do…”

“Tell me so pet, say it in your pretty language.” Essek commanded.

“Ich brauche dich…” Caleb said and the rough sound in the middle of that statement almost made Essek shiver. “Ich werde sterben, wenn du mich nicht anfasst…”

“Lovely.” Essek praised and pet Caleb’s head a little more. Caleb was staring at him with longing and… something else. Adoration, perhaps. “How would I say ‘pet’ in that language, hm?”

Caleb seemed pulled out of his own haze at that. “… There is no good translation… not in this context, at least…”

“What a shame.” Essek said, he would have loved to draw that particular shudder out of Caleb. Though, he supposed he might have just caused Caleb to laugh at his pronunciation.

“I apologize…” Caleb’s gaze lowered.

“There are enough other beautiful little sounds and words I will draw from your lips tonight.” Essek contemplated. He looked at his lover and wondered whether there would ever be a moment when he didn’t think him extremely beautiful. So far he had yet to find one.

He wanted him tied up.

He worried, though, after last time. It would probably be fine without the usage of a chair, but, still, he worried. Worried that Caleb would not let him know if it was too much. … but he had promised. He knew the terms, knew the consequences of not using his safewords again.

But with them in the living room, all Essek had was that scarf and while it had worked nicely for wrists, Essek wanted to venture into something more elaborate. If Caleb wanted.

“Wait for me here, pet. You can undress while I am gone.”

Caleb hesitated. “… Orange.” Well that settled that worry somewhat. “I… how long do you intend to leave?”

“A minute or two. I thought to retrieve something from my bed chamber. I don’t have to, if you don’t want me to leave.”

Caleb shook his head. “A minute or two is fine… I was worried you’d leave for 30 or 60.” Essek wasn’t entirely certain what Caleb had expected him to do in that amount of time, but he thought the idea of abandoning his delicious pet for that long utterly ridiculous. “If you return that quickly, it is okay.”

“Are you sure?” Essek asked. “You can come with, if you prefer.”

“No, no… I liked… the command… just not if you are gone for very long.” He repeated.

“I promise.” Essek said honestly and, although he probably shouldn’t have, pressed a gentle kiss onto Caleb’s forehead. “Thank you for telling me, my pet.” He caressed his hair gently, trying to put as much positive reinforcement into the gesture as he could.

Caleb flushed bright red and mumbled something Essek couldn’t understand.

Essek shifted to get up and Caleb withdrew to give him space to do so. Essek stood up and headed to the door. “I expect to find you undressed by the time I return.” He commanded to reclaim some of his authoritative allure. He looked at the windows briefly. “You may draw the curtains shut.”

He left and the moment he turned the corner, he broke into something of a sprint. He was not going to break his promise to Caleb. He bolted to his bed chamber, retrieved a key from his nightstand, used it to open a large drawer in one of his wardrobes and filed through his collection. A collection of things that he would completely like to see on, around or inside of his lover at some point. He selected a rope among some other things that he could carry easily. Then he shut the drawer, locked it, put the key back in his nightstand and hurried back. Part of him began to worry about his guest. He hadn’t counted the seconds although he should have. He slowed his speed just before the doorframe and turned the corner.

He froze in the doorway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have another two-parter! Ya'll might think that I just love to tease you. And, I mean, fair. I do. But the cut is owed to the chapter length, yet again. I just also happened to find a really nice spot to cut it in!
> 
> First draft I skipped over them getting set up in the living room but that's a prime opportunity to pine and you know how I feel about that.
> 
> Thank you again, like every chapter, for commenting and leaving kudos! I get giddy about every single one.
> 
> \---
> 
> Zemnian / German translations:
> 
> "Sehr gut" - Very good  
> "Wundervoll" - Wonderful  
> "Willkommen zurück" - Welcome back  
> "Bitte, Essek" - Please, Essek (ya'll know this one by now I'm sure)  
> "Bitte küss mich, Essek..." - Please kiss me, Essek  
> "Ich brauche dich..." - I need you  
> "Ich werde sterben, wenn du mich nicht anfasst..." - I will die if you don't touch me


	10. A bit of both (II)

_“If you’ll excuse me for a moment, I am feeling rather peckish. Would you care for some food, as well?”_

_“Ah…” Caleb looked aside sheepishly. “If… it’s not too much trouble.”_

_“Not enough to warrant another favor.” Essek teased and gave him a reserved smile as he set his glass down. He rose to his feet, then above them._

_“Would you like some assistance? I could come along.” Caleb offered._

_Essek considered this. The idea of selecting food together seemed so quaint and domestic. Essek shied away from it, hoping to not offend his guest’s Empire sensibilities with a rejection. “Thank you, but there is no need. Make yourself comfortable, I will be quick.” He floated out of the room._

_As he traveled the short distance to his kitchen, a calculating thought came to the forefront of his mind. He should turn around and ensure that the, at best, turncoat wizard and, at worst, Empire spy on his couch did not take his home apart in his absence. He tried to push the idea away, wanting to focus on the comfortable wine buzz that he was settling into and the delight of having beautiful company. He ignored his strategic worries with the knowledge that his home consisted of permanently locked and sectioned off rooms. Caleb would not get far, even if he tried._

_Essek unlocked the door to his kitchen and slipped inside. It was, like most of his towers, a sizeable room. The first edible thing that greeted him was a fruit bowl that sat on a counter. He wasn’t sure whether that could be considered as a reasonable thing to offer a guest, so he began going through his cupboards for something else. For the first time in a long time, he was disappointed in how sparsely stacked his home was in terms of snacks._

_He continued his quest, feeling the minutes drag on and on and he started to worry about making Caleb wait. That would be the second, no,_ third _time that Caleb would have to wait for him in one day. Absolutely unacceptable._

_His eyes drifted back to the fruit bowl. He couldn’t recall ever seeing Caleb eat anything to discern his tastes. In fact, the only thing he’d ever seen enter Caleb’s mouth- No. He was not going there. He took the bowl with both hands. He left for the sitting room and felt self-consciousness creep into his being. Did people serve guests fruit? Was… was that a thing? It could be rather evident that he hadn’t known what to do and simply picked up the nearest item. Maybe he could convince Caleb that it was a Drow cus- Starting racial stereotypes really had to stop being his knee-jerk reaction for when he wanted to save face._

_He entered the sitting room again, blinking as his eyes briefly adjusted to the candlelight. “I have re-“ He froze. His eyes landed on Caleb._

_Caleb had taken his suggestion to heart and gotten more comfortable. His scarf and coat were draped over the back of the couch and he had assumed a more leisurely and laid back position. He looked so… pleasantly disheveled. Stray strands of hair sticking out and glinting in the candlelight, framing his face as though they’d been arranged meticulously. Caleb’s shirt fell in ways that flattered his shape, despite it not being an extremely form-fitting garment. Caleb looked at him and Essek found himself fixated on his eyes. Vibrant blue piercing the warm light._

_“Willkommen zurück.” Caleb said and it sounded gentle, almost intimate, like someone welcoming their spouse after a day of work. “Ah, welcome back.” He tacked on._

_Right. Yes. Of course. Words. Words to say back to him. “Thank you.” Essek had almost forgotten the bowl in his hands. He floated back over to the couch, refusing to dissect how Caleb had been able to capture his attention so fully and quickly. “I hope you like fruit?”_

_“… Are there lemons?” Caleb asked and Essek saw a sly smile on his lips._

_Essek couldn’t help but return it. “You will not find a single one, I assume that is preferable?”_

_Caleb offered a small chuckle. “Well, if you had brought any I may have taken that as an indication to leave…” He said as he looked over the bowl, eyes narrowing at some of the options – possibly due to a lack of familiarity._

_“That would be rather upsetting, especially since you appear to have made yourself more at home.”_

_“Ah…” Caleb glanced at his coat. “Ja, I hope that’s okay? I was feeling rather warm.”_

_“Of course. You are by no means obligated to be dressed for travel in my home.” He observed as Caleb scooped a few berries into his hand. Essek’s eyes lingered as he experimentally pushed the first one into his mouth. Essek could only imagine how- Not now, stay on task, Thelyss._

_Caleb gave a short approving nod and a smile before eating another berry._

-

A feeling similar to déjà vu overcame Essek has he stood in his doorway.

It filled his being as he looked over his other, Caleb, who knelt by the hearth that seemed to blaze more brightly than before. But that faded into the background. All of it did; the windows, the rain outside, the room, the fire, his clothing that was surely put aside carefully somewhere. It was a blurry frame for the image painted onto a rug by a flame. And, strangely, it wasn’t Essek’s lust that drew the breath out of him. It wasn’t Caleb’s nudity – not in that same way that it usually drew his eye – and it may not even have been the way he sat on his heels, hands on his thighs, the way that Essek preferred to see him.

It was, quite frankly, that Caleb was absolutely beautiful.

And although this fact had occurred to Essek multiple times already, seeing his bare form, scars and hair and marks and all, dressed in warm light and stark contrasting shadows was… it was a sight. Essek felt his heart flutter. And a dangerous realization dawned on him at the edges of his mind.

But he pushed it away. It was nothing. He just wanted to sleep with this man. He _had to_ stop being so utterly starved for touch and affection that every sight of him was like a unique phenomenon.

Essek ventured further into the room. The curtains had been drawn, Caleb’s clothes were neatly placed on one of the couches. Essek noticed that Caleb had re-arranged the scarf to be on top of everything else. Cheeky. Essek placed his own acquisitions on one of the couches, as well, out of Caleb’s line of sight.

He noticed that Caleb wasn’t responding to his steps and though they were gentle, he should have heard them. A pang of worry fought with that fluttering feeling that Essek was still pointedly ignoring. He stepped a little closer. “Pet?”

Caleb looked up at him, eyes bright, full of longing and very much present.

The worry melted away. As his pet met his eyes there was a sizeable portion of Essek that wanted to lunge forward, press him to the ground and just kiss him. Instead, he latched onto something to say. “I notice that that flame is significantly bigger. Is that your doing?”

“Yes… forgive me, Essek. I… should have asked…” Caleb lowered his head again.

Hm. Talkative. His apologies were usually shorter. Essek could play with that. “Just when I thought you were so well-behaved… You’ll follow all my orders to make up for that little slight, won’t you?”

“Yes, Essek. I… will not disappoint…” Caleb said and eagerness seeped into the name.

Essek selected one of the ropes and walked over to his lover. Though the aesthetics weren’t exactly the focal point, the rope was dyed a very dark midnight blue, almost purple. And Essek couldn’t imagine it looking any less than divine against Caleb’s pale skin. He crouched behind him. “Arms.”

Caleb obliged. He placed his wrists together at the small of his back like he had before. Essek took them, first one, then the other, and guided them upward to a higher position on Caleb’s back, putting his elbows at an angle. He was careful not to touch his forearms. Essek began tying the rope around Caleb’s wrists, creating two individual but conjoined loops. As he did so he leaned over to Caleb’s ear until his breath was tickling the side of his face. “You will use your safewords, pet.” He reminded. “Other than that you’re mine.”

Essek could feel the shudder coursing through Caleb’s body in response and he withdrew with a smirk. He focused on the ropes. He was used to binding the forearms for this, so Caleb’s arms were angled at more of a point than usual but it would work. Essek guided the rope around Caleb’s upper arms and torso before getting to the more intricate parts of the knot and looping it around a second time. He was surprised how dexterous his fingers were at this task, since he had not performed it in a while. As he pulled part of the rope through a loop made out of itself he briefly leaned in again, this time to venture a glance at Caleb’s face. He couldn’t see too much, but enough to see that Caleb’s gaze was on the floor in front of him. It flickered up to meet Essek as he dipped into his peripheral. Caleb quickly looked away again, his blush darkening. Pretty. And alert.

Essek went back to his work.

As he fastened the last steps of the bindings, the smattering of scars on Caleb’s forearms caught his attention. He had noticed them before, but hadn’t been able to consider them. This time, he was still focused so he allowed himself to look them over. The amount was staggering. Self-harm, perhaps? But from what he’d heard this would be an odd pattern for it. The scars encircled the forearms completely and reached from the wrists all the way to the elbows. And they didn’t look like they were created out of despair. He couldn’t know for sure but he imagined self-inflicted wounds created in a moment of desperation and pain wouldn’t be this… neat. And meticulous. Much less – and Essek found this part very upsetting – symmetrical.

He pulled the final knot into place and tore his gaze away. None of his business. But… very curious, still. He decided to admire his work instead. Caleb’s arms were angled, folded behind his back, his wrists meeting at the middle of it. They were tied together and met a large, intricate knot between Caleb’s shoulder blades. From there, two dark lines went to encircle Caleb’s upper arms and chest, each line consisting of multiple strings of rope. The lower line was just above his elbows, the upper just below his shoulders. Essek checked the tautness of the rope and was pleased with his results. “Turn to me, pet.”

Caleb gave a nod and shifted. He didn’t exactly move around with grace as he’d lost the use of his arms and Essek enjoyed watching him having to fight a little to fulfill the demand. Damn. He looked wonderful from the front, as well. Two dark horizontal lines running over his chest and arms. Essek let his gaze dip down briefly to look at Caleb’s growing erection. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one who was satisfied with his work. He cupped Caleb’s cheek and tilted his head up to meet his gaze. “Test your binds. Tell me how you like them.”

Caleb tried moving his arms. He didn’t get anywhere beyond the initial impulse of his muscles. “I… like them.”

“You like being tied up?” Essek teased as though this was news.

“I… I _love_ it.” Caleb emphasized.

He was just going above and beyond. Essek smirked, continuing to stare into the blue of his eyes. “You love it when I control your body? When I own every little inch of you?”

Caleb swallowed. “Yes… I… all of me belongs to you…”

“Does it now…” Essek didn’t say it as a question, but as a challenge. “Tell me so in your language.”

“Ich… gehöre dir, Essek. Ich bin deins.“ Caleb’s cheeks darkened even further and Essek was excited to have found this lever to pull.

There was still that nagging part of Essek that wanted to cast the spell to understand him – he had it prepared, of course – but that would take something away from this, he knew. “Maybe I should claim your legs, too, then.” Essek mused.

Caleb nodded eagerly. “Yes, please… I … I want you to claim all of me….”

By the Luxon, Essek wasn’t supposed to be the one practicing self-restraint. He got up. “Patience, pet. First, I believe you offered me assistance with my reading.” Essek pondered as he stepped over to the small table. Its glass surface was just a little bit higher than the seating of the couch. He picked up his tome from it. He glanced at Caleb who seemed inquisitive but not put-off. “Over here.” Essek indicated a spot directly by the table. Caleb shuffled over on his knees immediately. He sat on his heels again.

Essek flipped through his book in the meantime. He looked through the chapters that weren’t about war in all its flavors. He tried to find a topic that wouldn’t be sensitive or downright unpleasant. Due to Caleb’s Zemnian, Essek decided to avoid anything centered around the Northern Empire. He landed on pages about non-Xhorhassian culture. “How much do you know about coastal myths?”

“Ah… not too much. Apologies…”

“Perfect.” Essek placed the book on the table, a little ways away from Caleb. “Can you read this?”

Caleb squinted at the pages and, as Essek had planned, he lifted himself from his heels to lean over the glass surface of the table, bending over it. He pushed himself further until he was closer to the pages. “I.. ja, I can read this.” He finally said with his torso pushed against the edge of the table.

“Then what are you waiting for?” Essek stepped behind Caleb, swiftly picking up three vials in the motion and slipping two of them into pockets.

“Ah… nothing.” Caleb swallowed. He cleared his throat. “Myths throughout Wildemount: Speculations about the Coastal Nymph Mythos…”

Wonderful. Essek knelt behind Caleb. He took Caleb’s thighs to tug them apart and Caleb took the hint and paused his reading to move his legs. Then he stretched himself further over the table to make up for the lost inches. Essek noticed a nervous twitch from Caleb to try to see what was going on. He uncorked one of the vials. “Keep reading.”

Caleb took a breath. “The Myth of the Sea Nymph is one of the lesser known stories told in Wildemount. Though a clear point of origin cannot be determined, this myth is said to have originated on the Menagerie Coast. Since then it has spread around the coastal area and can even be found in some shoreline villages in the North.” Caleb continued to read. He was quite good at it.

Essek slicked up his hands as Caleb read. He reached out to spread Caleb’s ass with one hand and press one slicked up fingertip against his entrance with the other.

“Though- _ah!_ ” Caleb jolted. He looked over his shoulder as much as he could.

“Continue, pet.” Essek ordered and he saw realization in Caleb’s eyes as he nature of the game appeared to dawn on him.

He returned to the book. “… Though its validity is questionable at best-“

Essek rubbed against the opening and licked his lips as his own need grew.

“- ah…. as …. As the only sources of information seem to be the spoken word-“

Essek pushed a finger inside.

Caleb’s breath hitched. “It… It can be seen as… as…” He paused with a barely controlled breath.

“Did I tell you to stop?”Essek challenged.

“N…No… I… sorry…” He inhaled. “- it… can be seen as indicative of the mentality predominant in coastal settlements. Many interpretations of the myth are indepen-“

Essek thrust and curled his finger inside, loving how Caleb’s words were slotted in between gasps and shuddering breaths.

“-ahhh…!”

“Independah?” Essek mocked.

Caleb swallowed. “-independent from any of the widely known-“

Essek continued to curl and uncurl his finger, coupling it with a thrusting motion.

“…known deities, causing- causing a… dichotomy in the… the beliefs commonly… practiced along the shore- shorelines.”

Essek smirked as he listened to the song of pauses and stutters. He continued his motions, opening Caleb up.

“The tahh.. tale, as told in, hah, some of the smaller fishing villages -“ Caleb swallowed loudly. “-speaks of ah… a humanoid creature emerging from the… the waves at night. Most re… re-tellings… describe this humanoid as bearing female features althoooouuugh contradicting statements have… have been recorded, as well.”

Essek slipped a second finger to join the motions of his first one.

Caleb paused briefly. “A… common element in the entity’s description…”

Caleb’s voice trailed off as Essek put more strength into his thrusts.

“…is the ocean motif.” He caught himself. “Though the… singular descriptions vah- vary and include the entire… body consisting of waves that… appear to be in… ah… constant movement-“ He swallowed again. “-as well as… other depictions as an… amalgamation of… varying types of floraaaah… and fauna commonly found within the ocean or … along… the… coast. The difference between these-“

Deciding to make it more challenging, Essek wrapped an arm around Caleb’s hips and took his now fully erect cock into his hand, feeling its weight and heat in his palm.

“-descript- _Fuck!_ ”

“I’m sure that’s not what it says, pet. Stick to the text.” Essek chided.

“Fo… Forgive me…” Caleb muttered. He inhaled sharply. “The difference between these descriptions is often seen as proof of the entity’s non-existence.” Caleb’s speed increased as though trying to push through the text in small bursts.

Essek started to slowly move his hand up and down Caleb’s shaft.

“Howeveeeer…. Hahh.. ah… a plausible al… alternative… if the existahn…ce is interpreted as… real… is… that the entity… may be… able to shift its appear-ah-ance.”

Essek felt mischief pour into his smirk. Caleb’s words were dislodged by choked and held in breaths, groans and more. “If you read like that I cannot follow the sentences. If you want to be useful, make yourself so.”

Caleb visibly fought with himself to regain his composure as Essek continued to stroke him and thrust into him. He took a deep breath. “Al… Alternatively, there may be several entities exhibiting the same general behavior… but varying exteriors. See Figure 1.3… for two different depictions based on separate accounts.”

Essek couldn’t deny being impressed with the sudden steadiness in Caleb’s voice – reading as though Essek was going to quiz him later. Which he would not be able to, because, while he had been listening, he had been reveling in the sound of Caleb’s sentences being torn apart by sighs and stutters. The actual content of the words had gotten lost. Essek kept up the almost lazy pace of stroking Caleb’s cock but thrust his fingers into him with a bit more vigor as he loosened up.

“The creature, regardless of -ahh- shape is said to enter a nearby village after emerging from the … sea. This part of the myth has been… corroborated by all accounts… there has not been a single telling of the myth where the entity does not enter a settlement.”

Essek felt as though Caleb was trying to defy him by not giving in as much anymore. Though he knew that he was merely following a direct order. Caleb’s ability to do so was simply unexpected. And while Essek found himself admiring the resolve and focus of his lover, he was determined to break it a few more times. He thrust into him roughly.

“These – _Gods!_ ” Caleb exclaimed. “These settlements-“

Essek continued his movements.

“-ah- never appear to exceed 1000 citizens. Ah… a… common attribute found in… found in all… all villages is that… ah… all of them house at least one person who… regulaaaahrly travels out to sea. Ahh..lthough the purposes of these travels… va…fuck… vary.”

Essek bit his lip listening to Caleb’s frequent interrupting moans. He felt heat pool in his gut and started to find his own pants to be incredibly restrictive. He loved drawing these little reactions out of his pet. Even more so when he tried his best to contain them.

“For… for instance… in one… questioned village, fishing families made up, ahhh, more than hahhhlf of the population, whereas another one had only one… citizen that regularly traveled to ports… to… board.. car…go…ships….” Caleb forced the syllables out between held breaths.

Essek probed Caleb a little more, he seemed more than ready for Essek to take him. Essek halted his movements. “Do you want more, pet? You may answer.”

“Yes, please…” Caleb immediately hung his head low. Essek could feel aborted attempts to grind into him. “Please… I need it, I need you, Essek… ”

“Maybe if you can finish this part without stuttering or moaning.”

Caleb swallowed, his head shot back up. “That… I don’t think I can…”

“Hm. I was under the impression that you wanted to be fucked properly.” Essek challenged.

“I… I do… I want… Please let me read for you… I’ll do anything…” Caleb pleaded.

“Very well. Continue then. For every time you stutter, moan, pause or otherwise interrupt your reading, you will have to hold out longer while I take you. If you can’t finish reading or you climax before I allow it, I’ll punish you. You’re very good at counting, aren’t you, pet?”

Caleb swallowed. “Yes Essek.”

“Continue, then.” Essek picked his motions back up. He wasn’t sure whether he wanted Caleb to moan every other word or to maintain his composure until the end so that he could be rewarded.

“However.” Caleb started strong. “The described intentions of the entity within the settlement differ wildly from re-telling to re-telling. This is where the la…largest deviations occur. Varying levels of… ah… malice or be-benevolence, as well as different amounts of pa… passive…ness and activity are ahhscribed to it. The actions as … described can be sub-divided into largely maaaaahlevolent and largely, ah, benevolent activities. This text only examines a few of …hahhh… the actions described by the locals, focusing heavily on the most common descriptions… Benevolent actions include the, ah, bringing of gifts. Such as… food or… ah… seashells or even bringing health to the sick. One account speaks of an in…ah…bility of traveling by boat due to nausea being- being cured via touch by the entity. The tou- touch itself has been described as cool and soothing. A notaaaaable addition is the claim that the entity has… ahhh… been… been able to…. Hahhh…” Caleb’s voice trailed off as Essek thrust his fingers into him in a steady rhythm.

“If you can’t even finish that page, you won’t get to finish, at all.” Essek threatened.

Caleb inhaled sharply. “A notable addition is the claim that the entity has been able to heal ailments that had not been curable by a common practitioner of the medicinal arts.” Caleb sped through the sentence. “Malevolent ahhhccounts range from… from turning food salty as if it had been bathed in seawaaaahter and becoming inedible, to people …. Ha-hahhh…. Drowning in their sleep in spite of the absence of water and… and children going missing overnight after… the entity was seen in the village.” Caleb swallowed, Essek decided not to count it. “As of… right now, there is no means of telling which accounts are true and which are… ah… fictitious… as all tellers of the myth appear to believe in their versions with similar ahhh…mounts of conviction. The entity walks back into the ocean after… an… ah… undetermined amount of time… vanishing from sight.”

Essek noticed that Caleb had reached the final few lines. He would have increased his pace to make it harder if Caleb hadn’t already been an absolute mess with a heap of interruptions on the page.

“The reason for these visits has… has not been determined so far… Some accounts state that they occur randomly. Others draw a con… con… connection between events within … the visited village, such as a birth or death and ah….a visit. Others say it has something to do with the tides. This… ahh… this tale, though likely untrue, provides insights into the culture of the coaaahhhst. Villages that are close- close to large cities, often report more malevolent activity, whereaaaahs… smaller villages far away from large settlements… report more benevolent activity… The reason for this is unknown.” As the final word left his lips he immediately dropped his head and groaned loudly.

Essek released him and pulled his fingers out to not have him finish right there and then. “Lovely, pet.” Essek chimed. He stood up. “But you didn’t make it through very smoothly, did you? Tell me, how many times did you pause or stutter or moan?”

“I… I counted 45, Essek…”

Essek nodded. Seemed about right. “That’s quite a lot, wouldn’t you say, pet?”

“Yes…”

“Do you think you deserve to climax for such a poor performance?” Essek asked.

“… I… I only deserve what you give me…” Caleb said. “But… please… Essek, I need you…”

“Still so vocal when your words were failing you moments ago.” Essek mused. “Over here.” He commanded and gestured toward the place where Caleb had knelt before; away from the table and over by the hearth.

Caleb craned his head to see where Essek was pointing and moved over on his knees, his hard, already dripping cock pressed against his lower abdomen. Now that Essek could see Caleb’s face he noticed how bright red it was. He still wore the shade very well.

“I’m going to claim your legs like I’ve claimed your arms.” Essek knelt beside Caleb, took him by the shoulders and gently pushed him back so that he was resting on his arms.

He retrieved more rope from his pile on the couch. As he knelt by Caleb’s legs his gaze kept dancing back to Caleb’s swollen cock. He guided Caleb’s legs into an angle, bent fully at the knee. He then tied the lower leg to the upper one in two places and repeated the same treatment for the other. “Test them.”

Caleb tried to unbend his legs. It didn’t work. But as his hips were not restrained he still had a lot of movement left in him.

Essek nodded. As he looked him over, part of him wanted to spread Caleb’s now restrained legs, dip his head down between them and take his lover into his mouth. But that would be too easy. He hadn’t earned that kind of treat.

Instead, Essek grabbed the rope around Caleb’s chest and pulled him up by it, back into a kneel. He took a moment to take in the sight. Caleb’s arms were bound behind his back and his legs were tied now, as well. He was flushed red and his shaft was hard and ready and needy. Essek had been right, the dark hue of the rope looked divine against his pale skin and the smattering of marks, hair and freckles that covered it. Gods, Essek would take him. He would take him until Caleb forgot his own language.

On that subject…

“I think you’ve spoken far more than enough today. Haven’t you, pet?”

“Yes, Essek.”

Essek got up and retrieved the gag he’d brought, internally grateful for remembering to do so. “Mouth.” He simply said as he bent over Caleb. Caleb dropped his lower jaw, opening wide. Essek noted that he looked almost… hungry for the gag in his hands. He pushed it into his mouth, then reached around to fasten the leather straps at the back of Caleb’s head. Immediately, Caleb’s breathing pattern changed to adjust. “Can you breathe, pet?”

Caleb nodded and Essek examined his face. He looked… so pleased to have his mouth filled with something. His smart little mouth. Completely shut up.

“Do you know how to stop me?” Essek asked.

Caleb nodded again and snapped his fingers once.

“Good.” That was the last of the niceties Essek extended to him before walking behind him. He gripped the knot between Caleb’s shoulders again, knelt and pushed Caleb forward, lowering his chest to the floor. The side of his face met the ground as well. Essek released the binds. Caleb’s chest and head were pressed against the soft rug. The only other points of contact with it were his knees. His lower legs were tied to his thighs, still. His hips were in the air, propped up very nicely by his slightly spread legs. Essek took his time to take in the sight as if trying to commit every inch of him to memory. Caleb looked up at him with his visible eye, his gaze almost dark and hungry.

Essek positioned himself behind Caleb. He unbuckled his belt and pulled out his erection. He produced another vial of oil from his pocket and prepared himself. As he did he leveled a gaze at Caleb; he felt his own hunger and desire almost growling within his chest as he stroked himself with the oil. How Caleb was just lying there, presented to him like this. For his taking. His alone. It was getting harder to maintain a coherent line of thought as the moment he was anticipating drew closer and closer.

“Unfortunately…” He raised his voice again and he was glad it came out steady and in-control. “Your reading performance was rather poor. You won’t finish until I explicitly tell you to. But…” He released his erection and moved closer to Caleb, their hips now very close. “Since you did try so very hard for me, I will be kind and make it easier for you. I won’t touch your needy cock.” Essek said as though he was a merciful god. Truth be told, he did not expect Caleb to be able to last more than few seconds at this point if he decided to jerk him off.

Caleb nodded.

Essek had feigned having a very precise system for how many times Caleb had failed during his read and how long he’d have to hold out because of it. But it was more intuitive since he hadn’t wanted to set Caleb up for failure or success from the get-go. 45 little failures seemed plenty to make up for so he’d have to hold out quite a bit. At least until Essek was done himself.

Feeling that he’d wasted enough time, Essek spread Caleb’s ass and guided his hard cock to his entrance. He slipped into him immediately and shifted to hold onto Caleb’s hips with both of his hands. He exhaled slowly and heavily as he pushed himself inside. Caleb was nicely opened up and ready, so Essek quickly thrust himself into him as deeply as he could. He heard a moan from Caleb, muffled by the gag in his mouth. It was a beautiful sound. How many more could Essek produce from him?

He looked down at Caleb’s face which was flushed red, his eyes shut tightly. The hearth was still painting its ever-moving light onto all of him. Caleb’s face was turned away from it so his hair was lit up in golds and coppers.

Essek pulled himself out partway before pushing back in. Caleb moaned again. Each of Essek’s little movements was rewarded with a loud but dampened sound coming from Caleb’s throat. And it was everything. Essek started building his rhythm as he allowed his eyes to take in every bit of exposed skin, every bit of Caleb. It felt incredible. Not just the hot tightness around him as he pushed in again and again, but the rush that overcame him as he looked at his counterpart, his match, submissive and restrained on the ground. Moaning into a gag he was hungry for. Essek continued his visual exploration, taking in everything as much as he could, only interrupted by the impulses to close his eyes when he thrust into Caleb _just so._

Caleb’s hips jerked forward, trying to get more than he was given, but there was nothing for him to grind into. His moaning and panting was interjected with needy whines. Essek still assumed that Caleb could climax from being fucked like this alone. In a way, he supposed, he was simply putting that theory to the test.

Essek increased his speed further, pounding into his lover with more intensity. He felt Caleb’s muscles tense. “Not yet.” Essek reminded and he knew that Caleb must have been painfully aware of the rule.

The reply came in a loud, torn apart and muffled whine. But no finger snapping. He liked it. Liked being denied.

Essek would have smirked if his own lips weren’t permanently open to accommodate a steady flow of panting and occasional moaning. He thrust in harder and felt like he was getting close to the edge himself. The thought of filling his restrained pet up right there on the floor, make him an utter mess… gods, Essek just wanted more. All of him. To ruin him and make him a mess and look at it and think ‘that’s mine’.

But then he felt Caleb tense up more as he desperately clung to his self-restraint. He felt him shift against his binds as though the tiny movements he was allowed would make a difference.

They didn’t.

Caleb finished with a loud, undignified, muffled groan, mixed with another whine as though admitting defeat. Essek said nothing as his pet disobeyed him. He continued to pound into him with vigor, even more so than before. He wasn’t disappointed or angry. Though he was snapped out of his thoughts, actual anger had no place in their bubble. Essek felt excited. He’d not punished Caleb before. His grip on Caleb’s hips tightened, fingers digging in as he thrust into him over and over again, their hips connecting harshly each time. He looked at Caleb’s face, Caleb met his eyes but then quickly averted his gaze. He knew what he’d done.

Essek finally reached his climax. He pulled out as the sensation hit him and angled himself to release onto Caleb’s ass an back. He kept his voice as quiet as he could. Caleb hadn’t earned hearing them. After a few deep breaths, Essek cleaned himself up via spell, his disheveled appearance fading completely, as though he’d never put a finger on Caleb. For a moment, he let the silence linger, the only noise being whispered crackling from the hearth.

“My pet…” Essek broke the silence with a threatening tone. Caleb winced. Essek stood up. He took a few steps around Caleb like he was eyeing prey. “Did you just release your filth onto my floor?”

Caleb nodded, not risking a glance.

“Look at me.”

Caleb obeyed as much as he could from his position on the ground. He was still panting into his gag.

Essek realized that moment that they hadn’t continued a scene after Caleb had finished, yet. And they hadn’t spoken about whether that was a possibility. Essek had assumed it to be, but… “I will not ignore such a transgression. Will you take your punishment tonight?”

Caleb nodded eagerly. Well then.

“You even crave to be disciplined so badly. You want everything tonight?”

Caleb nodded again. Another affirmation.

Essek also became aware of the fact that he wasn’t… entirely educated about human physiology. The basics, sure – a moment of feverish research came to mind - but not whether they were physically capable of having sex multiple times per night. He would have guessed ‘yes’ what with Drow being able to do so in spite of being less fertile overall, but- He blinked. His hazy satisfied mind was leaving the tryst to go ride a tangent. “I’ll take you again, pet. When you’ve recovered from your mistake.”

More nodding. Apparently, that would work.

“Enough of that.” Essek said and lifted a foot. He planted the bottom of his boot on the side of Caleb’s face and pressed down. It was a gentle push, meant to humiliate rather than to hurt. “So my pet thinks it’s okay to just do whatever he likes, hm?” He pondered. “I told you to practice restraint.”

If Caleb were his, truly his, at his disposal all hours of the day, Essek would have a million and one ideas for punishments. But with the closed off nature of their fling – gods, was it really just a fling ? – anything he wanted from Caleb in that regard was a bit limited.

Looking him over, Essek wanted to plug him up and spend a day just bringing him to the edge over and over again without ever pushing him over it. Or he could gag him all day. Maybe multiple days. Remove it only to shove his cock in when he felt like it. There were so many delightful ways this could go. But Essek was pressed for time. It would have to work quick and ideally double as time spent for both of them to recover. “Let’s see whether you’re capable of self-discipline at all. I have no use for an uncontrollable little slut.”

The insult had come tumbling out, but Caleb didn’t seem put off by it. Essek removed his boot, reached down, grabbed Caleb by his hair and dragged him up, back into a kneeling position. But he didn’t stop there. Instead, he tugged him over to the couch until Caleb was positioned right beside it. Essek decided to remove the gag since they could be a while and it would be better if Caleb could voice objections and discomfort more quickly. As he pulled it out he found it dripping with saliva. Caleb sheepishly avoided eye contact.

Essek magically cleaned it to put it aside. “Is this position bearable?” Essek asked and Caleb nodded. “Good.”

Essek turned and took the history book from the table. He slapped it shut and placed it on top of Caleb’s head, finding a spot where it was balanced.

“If this book falls so much as once, I will not take you tonight and you will have to repeat this punishment next time. Until you get it right. Until you learn that you belong to me and live by my words. Understood?”

“Yes, Essek.” Caleb answered dutifully.

“Do you remember your safewords?”

“Yes.” Caleb replied.

“Good. Use them if you need them. Now…” For the real kicker. Essek took Caleb’s book – which was still miles beneath his skill level – and settled down with it on the couch right beside his kneeling pet. He cracked it open and thumbed through the pages, remembering faintly how far Caleb had been. Essek continued where he had presumably left off. He saw Caleb stiffen up at the sound of turning pages. Good. “I will be reading.” He stated since Caleb couldn’t turn to look without disrupting the balancing act happening on his head.

And so Essek did. Very faint memories of reading these passages before danced in his mind as he read. He kept Caleb and the history book in his peripheral. Essek had thought up and delivered far more exciting punishments in the past, but he could almost _feel_ Caleb stewing in his predicament. Having to sit perfectly still while the person who made him do it continued his precious read. It was… a uniquely tailored penalty. Essek wouldn’t want it on himself, either. Withholding knowledge like that – even worse, carrying knowledge that one _could_ absorb on one’s head without being able to even skim it? Hells, Essek was sure he could just sit Caleb down in front of a bookshelf, tell him not to touch any of the books and it would be torture. They were alike that way.

The haze of climax subsided very soon in Essek’s head and he felt good about his choice of punishment. With its almost idle nature, it gave both of them an opportunity to recover. Essek was pleased that Caleb wanted to try it again. Not that he would have begrudged him for wanting to stop.

The history book sat still. Occasionally there was a twitch in Caleb’s body or a controlled impulse to move and it echoed in the book with a little tilt but Caleb seemed hellsbent on completing his task to Essek’s satisfaction.

Essek didn’t exactly count the minutes, but there came a moment when he noticed a quiver in Caleb’s body as the very upright position was getting to him. With a subtle nod to himself, he closed the magic book. “Interesting. I had forgotten some of that.” He said to grate on Caleb’s patience further. He rose, placing the book aside. He then took the history book from Caleb’s head and its former table immediately slumped into himself a little.

“Have we learned to control our body?” Essek asked.

“Yes, Essek… I won’t disappoint you again.”

“Good.” Essek produced the gag once more and put it back into place, shoving it into Caleb’s mouth. “Snap your fingers.”

Caleb did so.

Essek grabbed Caleb’s hair again and lead him away from the couch, back to the rug. He liked the location. Maybe Caleb had knelt there on purpose, as a suggestion. It was more spacious than a couch and soft enough. Essek could imagine something different there, without the ropes and demands. Just the two of them pressed together, trading kisses. Caleb trailing his fingers over Essek’s skin, telling him – _No. He didn’t want that._

He shook his head and looked down at his kneeling pet. He crouched and guided Caleb to lie on his back, but at an angle to give his arms space so that he could snap. One of his legs was pressed sideways against the ground, the other was vertical to it. Essek decided to make sure that Caleb was still able to take him. He opened his last vial and used half to coat his fingers again. “Let’s see whether you’ve learned your lesson. Don’t even think about making so much as a single fucking noise or I will drag you through the streets by your hair.” Essek threatened.

Caleb nodded in understanding.

“But you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Essek teased, probing at Caleb’s entrance and slipping his fingers inside. He was still slick but he’d work him a little just to make sure. “For everyone to see what a dirty, needy pet you are?”

Caleb nodded again, sheepish, his gaze averted, his cheeks a brighter shade of red again.

“You’d just suck off anyone, wouldn’t you, pet?”

Caleb, surprisingly, shook his head at that. He met Essek’s eyes pointedly.

“No?” Essek swallowed. “You only want _my_ cock, pet?” ‘ _You only want me_?’ Is what he would have preferred to ask.

Caleb nodded.

Weirdly, this – and it really didn’t have any right to do so – stirred something in Essek’s chest. Very distant from the headspace and persona he was projecting. “How loyal.” He mused. He wondered whether it was true or just something Caleb thought a devoted pet had to say. “Maybe I really should put a collar around your pretty neck.”

At that, Caleb nodded vigorously. Noted.

Essek continued thrusting his fingers in and curling. Caleb’s body tensed and his eyes slipped shut as Essek had released him from the confines of the conversation. Caleb refused to make a single sound. “Maybe I should mark you.” Essek said.

Caleb forced his eyes open again to look at him.

“You’ll see.”

Caleb nodded and allowed his head to rest on the ground, eyes shutting again, focused on maintaining the ordered silence. He was so good at it, too. Resisted every sound, even tried to control his breathing into an even rhythm when it wanted to hitch and pause. Within a moment or two, Caleb’s cock was swelling and hardening again.

“You’re already getting hard? Gods, you really are fucking desperate.”

Caleb nodded, though his eyes remained closed.

What Essek didn’t mention was that he was almost ready, as well. He pulled his fingers out and Caleb made his best effort to stifle the disappointed whine. Caleb looked up at him, his gaze hungrier again, the satisfaction of his climax apparently having ducked underneath a growing want for more. Essek wasn’t going to give that just yet.

Instead, he met his eyes and placed a hand on Caleb’s inner thigh. “I’m going to mark you here, pet. With a kiss.” He announced.

Caleb didn’t object. So Essek lowered his head and pressed his lips against the sensitive skin. That contact alone was enough to make Caleb shudder. Essek sucked harshly and Caleb made a choked sound. Essek made sure to keep his teeth from scraping against the skin. He’d rather leave marks around Caleb’s neck and shoulders and collarbones, but that would inevitably draw attention. Especially if Caleb had to take off his shirt or be healed by one of his friends. If they found _this_ they were actively looking. Or fucking Caleb. A thought that was banished as soon as it was formed.

He withdrew to look at the reddening spot. Yes, that would stay. He shot Caleb a look and was met with bliss. Good. He picked another spot, a bit closer to Caleb’s crotch and repeated the process. He did it a couple of times, almost growing addicted to Caleb’s thighs. He left them littered with a pretty assortment of red spots, some of which would leave behind little marks, others which would fade within the hour.

Essek smirked, thinking of the little purple-red hickeys that Caleb would be carrying around. Reminders. Small possessive marks. Essek felt like he was marking territory. And Caleb was very willing territory. He wanted these marks. Wanted little memories hidden on his skin to accompany him for at least a few days. That made it even more exciting.

Essek leaned back to look his pet over. Caleb was fully hard again. Essek took his time to trail his fingertips over Caleb’s skin, over the new spots on it, always stopping just shy of his cock. It was explorative, but more than that it was possessive. Like a king surveying his kingdom, Essek eyed every inch of Caleb.

“Do you want me, pet?” He asked the question that didn’t have to be asked.

Caleb nodded.

“Will you hold out for me this time?”

Another nod.

“Very well.”

Looking at Caleb, Essek felt overdressed. He noticed that it mirrored their last tryst very well and wondered whether this would be a trend. Or whether Caleb found it weird the first time. But suddenly, Essek craved more skin-on-skin contact. And he had no intentions of denying himself what he craved. So he got up and got rid of his clothing quickly. Just like last time, he found Caleb’s eyes on him, looking at him with nothing but adoration. Either Caleb truly found Essek’s body to be striking or he was an insanely good actor, even when he was needy and fueled by lust.

Essek knelt between Caleb’s legs. He wanted him on his back this time, wanted to look at him more fully again. He used the remainder of the oil from earlier and slicked up his erection with it. He then positioned himself as Caleb pulled his legs back as much as he could to provide a better angle. Caleb still looked up at Essek like he knew the secrets of the universe. Which he certainly did not.

Essek guided himself to Caleb’s entrance and, without another word, pushed inside for the second time that night. He adjusted his position, looming over Caleb with his arms propping him up on either side of him. He felt Caleb’s thighs at his hips and immediately relished the bit of contact. He pushed in deep and Caleb arched his back.

“You may make your little sounds.” Essek permitted. “But you may not climax until I do.”

Caleb gave a nod.

As Essek pushed in all the way, he noted that he adored being able to see every twitch on Caleb’s face. Every tiny involuntary reaction he was given. He wasted no time to build up a rhythm of steady, even thrusts again. The haziness came more quickly to his mind this second time as he managed to only focus on sensations. The tightness around his cock and the contact of their skin. The sounds of Caleb’s muffled moans accompanied by the crackling of burning wood and the rain outside. And the sights, the glimpses. Of Caleb’s flushed freckled gagged face, of scars and marks and sweat and hair and all of it bathed in light that just made this man unfairly beautiful. Everything was _Caleb._ Everything was _perfect._

He was never going to let him leave again. He’d keep him there forever, fuck him and kiss him and adore him everyday. Every single fucking second. Nothing else ever had to matter again. He could just have Caleb. Take him like this in the morning, study with him all day and then take him to bed again at night. Make him wear a collar, _designate_ him as his own. Then stroke his hair and watch his cheeks flush bright red from the touch alone.

Essek groaned at the thought. The impossible fantasy. He gripped the soft rug underneath them tightly as he pounded into him and as the world around them – the hearth, the rain and everything else – seemed to vanish. They didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Not like this, not like _Caleb_.

All too soon, Essek felt himself getting close. He didn’t want to, yet, he knew he wouldn’t be able to recover enough for a third time and he had so much more he wanted to do to his pet. He needed him there every single fucking day, not just these rare occasions. Fuck, he wanted Caleb. All the goddamn time.

He eyed Caleb beneath him, shifted his weight onto one arm and reached down to take his length into his hand. He began working it in rhythm with his thrusts. Caleb’s eyes shot open at the contact, his back arching as he visibly tried to contain himself.

“You may.” Essek permitted.

They finished together. Essek thrust himself deeply into his lover groaning as he filled him up, then continuing with small but quick movements to ride it out. It felt absolutely incredible. In an almost obscene way it felt like he was claiming Caleb for himself all over again.

Caleb arched further underneath him, muscles tensing and pushing against the bonds as he groaned loudly into his gag. Essek kept jerking him as he released onto his chest and stomach. When Caleb’s hips stopped their aborted thrusts and the tension finally left his muscles, Essek let go off him. He lingered another few moments propped up over his pet, drinking in the sight of him. But then he felt a tremble in his arms and he withdrew, slowly pulling out. He sat there, on the rug in front of the still unbothered hearth, panting. He looked Caleb over once more. Sweaty, flushed, covered in cum and saliva with hickeys on his thighs and still very much tied up. Essek felt a rush at how deliciously messy he looked. But it was smothered and overwhelmed by the thick, hazy, comfortable blanket of post-pleasure.

Essek wanted to collapse and fall asleep. He looked over at his other again. Right.

He’d have to get him out of those ropes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I say two-parter? I, of course, meant three-parter. I never said I was good at planning, okay?
> 
> Also to anyone who was like “Plot???” after the last one I’m sorry it’s just more smutty wizards you guys. But I appreciate the confidence in my ability to actually write plot :’D
> 
> My goodness, yall just keep on writing those comments and dropping those kudos. They are like small packets of good vibes for me, I'm incredibly grateful. Thank you so much!
> 
> Translation of the Zemni-man / Germ-ian:  
> „Ich… gehöre dir, Essek. Ich bin deins.” – I… belong to you, Essek. I am yours.


	11. Words were failing you (III)

_“Apologies…” Caleb muttered. He pressed his hand against his face, closed his eyes tightly and then pinched the bridge of his nose._

_“No need.” Essek reassured. It, weirdly, occurred to him that a Human yawn was probably different from a Drow yawn due to the difference in required rest. He decided not to pursue that thought further. “I feel rest calling me, as well. Perhaps, we should end on this note for tonight. I think we both have a thorough understanding of the arrangement. Anything further can be discussed as we progress.” He explained. “I… may have forgotten to bring up numerous things, anyway.” He admitted._

_“Ah, you don’t have a checklist where you have been ticking off all the, ah, fantasies you wish to discuss?” Caleb teased._

_“I don’t need a checklist to remember what I want.” Essek smirked. “Be careful. If you tease me like that I’ll have you beg to tick off_ your _list.”_

_“Ah, I must have been mistaking. I thought that was your plan all along.” Caleb mused. “I… ah…” He hesitated. “This was a … surprisingly pleasant conversation.”_

_“Should I be offended that you found that surprising?” Essek asked with humor to his voice._

_“I think that awkwardness was a very average expectation, so I would hope that you don’t take it personally.” Caleb explained. “But ah… regardless… while your company is pleasant, I…”_

_“I understand.” Essek cut him off before he had to find a polite way to say he wanted to leave. “These are lightless hours. Especially for a human-“ He paused. “- I mean… because of the amount of sleep that you require.” Yes, great, ending on a mildly racist note. Wasn’t that sexy._

_“Ja, no worries. No offense taken. You are not wrong.” Caleb sighed. “It is very late. I … apologize for stealing so much of your time.”_

_“Not to worry. I would have asked you to leave had I not been able to spare it.”_

-

A tingling sensation filled Essek’s limbs. His chest was rising and falling rapidly, still. And he wanted to just lie down and rest for hours. But he couldn’t, yet.

Instead, he shuffled over to Caleb, who was still on his back. His breathing was still heavy, as well, as he was only beginning to recover. Essek gave him a quick once-over before moving to kneel beside his head. Caleb looked up at him, though the way his gaze swayed made him appear somewhat dazed.

“Turn your head away, darling.” Essek cooed, a warm feeling thumping through his veins as he looked down at his other. “Let me give you back your words.”

Caleb nodded and turned his head away. The motion was unfocused and hesitant and Essek could only imagine the tiredness Caleb was combatting to stay present. Essek untied the gag and gently removed it. He noted red imprints on Caleb’s cheeks, but they looked to be fading soon. He prestidigitated the gag clean before putting it aside. Caleb turned back to look up at Essek. It didn’t last long as his eyelids began to fall shut, his head lulling more to the side.

“Oh, no… You can’t fall asleep like this…” Essek said and he found the warmth in his own words alien. “We’ll have to free you first.” He moved around and started undoing the knots that restrained Caleb’s legs. He tugged off the ropes and tossed them to the gag.

Caleb immediately extended his legs into a more relaxed position.

Essek guided Caleb up to sit. He moved around him and opened the knot between his shoulder blades and then removed the last bindings step by step. It was a bit tedious and took some time but Essek felt that it had been worth every second of tedium. He freed Caleb completely and put the rope aside, as well, adding it to the pile. He shuffled away from Caleb, who used his newfound freedom to lie back down.

“Is everything okay?” Essek finally asked.

“Mn… ja… great… perfect… could do this every day…” Caleb mumbled, his eyes closing again.

Essek smiled to himself. Caleb’s contendeness mirrored his own feelings quite well. He started to use his Prestidigitation spell repeatedly, on Caleb, himself and the rug. He ignored the urge to just settle down next to Caleb and watch the light from the fire flirt with his features.

“Did you like it, too…?” Caleb asked groggily and as Essek turned back to him he noticed that Caleb had one eye barely open and observing him.

“Hm? Oh yes, very much.” Essek replied honestly.

“Sehr gut… yes…” Caleb mumbled.

“Maybe we should move to my bed?” Essek suggested, still smiling.

“Hmm… why…?”

“Well, it would make me quite an awful host to just let my guest fall asleep on the floor.” Essek pointed out.

“I wasn’t going to sleep…” Caleb, very clearly, lied.

“Right. Of course.” Essek said incredulously. “Be that as it may, I would still like for us to have our check-in, and perhaps my bed might be a more comfortable location for that?”

“Ah… ja, that.. makes sense. But I don’t think I can go to your bed…” Caleb looked at Essek.

Essek’s smile fell. “Why not…? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, nothing. I just… cannot go anywhere at all, I think. My legs feel like… ah… mashed potatoes…. In a good way! But, ah, still.”

“Oh.” Essek relaxed. He could probably make Caleb light enough to carry with some Dunamancy. He decided promptly not to entertain that idea. But perhaps some magic would aid in this predicament. After all, it was late and he would not need any of his abilities anymore that day. “I may have a solution for that.” He announced. He got up and quickly gathered his and Caleb’s things. He killed the small fire in the hearth with a flick of the wrist before kneeling beside Caleb again. Before Caleb could ask, he took his hand and Teleported both of them to his bedroom.

They appeared on the floor, a few paces away from the bed. Immediately, Essek illuminated the candles in the room with another small gesture. Caleb sat up and looked around. “Did you just…” He paused. “Not to be ungrateful… but did you waste a Teleport spell so I don’t have to climb stairs?”

 _Yes_. “No, I _used_ my Teleport ability so that _both of us_ do not have to climb stairs. Now will you get in the bed or do I have to levitate you into it?” Essek gave him a smirk. He hoped Caleb wouldn’t realize that he never had to climb stairs, regardless.

Caleb blushed a little. “I can make that… long and perilous journey, I think.” He got up and walked three steps before getting onto the bed. “I have made it.”

“Well done.” Essek teased. He put Caleb’s clothes on the, at this point, designated chair. His own were thrown over the foot end of the bed unceremoniously. Essek did not have the patience or energy left to care about them becoming crumpled. He hesitated for a moment but then decided to get out his sleep pants and slip into them, feeling a little more comfortable not being fully exposed. He noticed Caleb eyeing him as he did so. “Would you like a pair, as well? I would not mind lending you some.”

“Ah…” Caleb blushed and looked away. “I am fine… unless you’d prefer if I…?”

“You are quite nice to look at and if you choose to spoil me with the sight for longer that is more than alright.” Essek admitted quickly. “Whatever makes you comfortable, Caleb. That is the point of this part.”

“In that case, I don’t mind staying like this…” Caleb decided. He then looked past Essek. “Ah… did you bring my books?”

“In your holster? Yes.” Essek gestured over to the chair where they sat on top of everything else, placed neatly and carefully. He wasn’t so careless as to risk them falling to the ground. “Your Dunamancy book? No.”

“Ah, well… that is not mine, that is yours.” Caleb pointed out. _Right._ He was right. “Thank you for bringing my things.”

“You’re not… looking to leave, already, are you?”

“No, I just wanted to make sure they’d made the trip.” Caleb replied. He still seemed tired but talking must have woken him up somewhat.

“Fair enough.” Essek said. “Would you care for some water?”

“Ah, ja, please.” Caleb nodded.

Essek retrieved something to drink for him like he’d done the last time. He got onto the bed beside Caleb, who quickly emptied the provided glass before Essek put it aside on the nightstand. “Anything else?”

“No, thank you.” Caleb gave him a tired smile.

“Alright. Let me know if that changes. You need only say the word.” Essek promised, hoping he didn’t come across as terribly overbearing.

“Thank you, Essek….” Caleb ran his fingertips over the faint red imprints left by the rope on his legs.

Essek followed the motion with his eyes. “Do they hurt?”

“Not at all.” Caleb shook his head. His fingers moved on to the hickeys on his thighs. “Those, I feel.”

“In a bad way?” Essek worried.

“No.” Caleb looked at him to give him a smile. “In a good way.”

Inexplicable heat spread to Essek’s cheeks. “Right. Good.” He berated himself internally for sounding so curt. “Was… anything bad for you? Anything at all?”

“No, I would have told you.” Caleb assured, he looked back down at the marks on his skin. “Or snapped my fingers… and then told you. I promise.”

“Perfect.” Essek smiled gently. “Well then, you have no wants or needs, you are not in pain and you have no notes?”

“Ah… none… other than…” Caleb flushed. “… that we can gladly repeat all of that sometime…”

Essek smirked. “I may take you up on that.” He met Caleb’s eyes again. Caleb held the gaze. Essek felt his smirk soften into a smile as neither of them broke away. For a moment, Essek thought he might melt, staring into vibrant blue. He felt… seen. And he could not describe how or why. After a tense second of staring, he cleared his throat and looked away, trying to shake the odd sensation. “If you do not require anything specific, would you perhaps fancy… ah… some… relaxed physical contact?”

Caleb snorted. And Essek realized he’d never heard him do that before. “Is the Shadowhand suddenly not allowed to say ‘cuddle’ anymore?” He teased. “Ja, we can … share some of that… physical contact. I would like that…”

“Wonderful.” Essek replied, swallowing his embarrassment. He laid down on the bed, his head resting on a pillow and Caleb joined him. They maneuvered themselves into a position where Caleb was half-draped over him, his arm and leg placed over Essek’s body. His head was resting on his chest. Essek wrapped one arm around Caleb and started drawing little circles on his back with his fingertips. His other hand itched to place itself over Caleb’s, but he did not indulge the urge. Instead, it just lingered alone over his stomach.

For a moment, they were silent. Essek just listened to Caleb’s quiet breathing, feeling his breath gently brush over his skin. As they laid there, he took a moment to appreciate every little sensation. The way Caleb’s hair tickled him. The way his warm body provided a comfortable weight against his. The way he felt the breathing, the shifting, the life under his fingertips and against his side. Essek kept his eyes fixed on the ceiling. He wished he didn’t know that it was getting late, already.

“I, ah…” Caleb broke the gentle silence. “I never suspected you to be this… mean.”

Essek froze, the circles stopped. “Pardon?”

“Well that you would… put a book on my head like that. And then turn around and read the book you were lending me.” Caleb looked up and Essek looked down and their gazes met again. “Very… evil.” He said with humor.

Essek relaxed and he hoped to all the gods that might spare him an ear that Caleb had not felt how tense he had grown from a simple statement. “Ah. Yes. I believe it was a very successful punishment, then.”

Caleb made a wry laugh. He leaned his head back down on Essek’s chest, turning his gaze away once more. “Yes, I… repented quite a bit. And… making me read like that…? You have a devious mind.”

‘You don’t know the half of it’, Essek kept to himself. “I will graciously take that as a compliment. What about asking you to speak Zemnian? Was that devious, too?”

“Hah, no… it… er… was weirdly flattering that you enjoyed that somehow…”

Essek felt Caleb curl in on himself a little. He then noticed a shiver in his body. He made an arcane gesture to pull one of the blankets over them.

“Ah… thank you…” Caleb pulled the blanket a little further over himself. “You are… very attentive.”

“Just fulfilling my role, Caleb.” Essek said almost dutifully. “I told you that ensuring your comfort and safety was part of the deal.”

Caleb took a moment, seemingly considering this statement. “I… said …. Earlier tonight… I said that, ah, the book… the one you lent me, that it would not do any damage.”

Essek nodded even though Caleb could not see it. “I recall you saying as much, yes. Was that not true?”

“No, no, it was true. It was fine. I… I said that… it does not work like that and… ah, it doesn’t. But I… I didn’t tell you how it _does_ work…” Caleb let his voice trail off.

Essek pressed his lips together for a moment. He was still burning with curiosity to learn more about that but he also did not want Caleb to force himself to share things. “You owe me no explanation. All I require from you is that you inform me of your boundaries.”

“Ja, I know…” Caleb responded. “But… I believe that… after what happened, you deserve to know how that… that part… how that works. I mean, what… what happened…” Caleb paused. Essek let him take his time to phrase sentences. “Unless you… would rather not hear any more about it. I do not want to overstep…”

“You are not overstepping. I do not mind if you share more.” Understatement. “I will listen to anything you wish to tell me.”

“Alright, well… you must have seen that… ah, that I was not quite… present.”

“I… yes, that is what I thought.” Essek affirmed.

“Ja, well… ah… remember when… when I said you must have some knowledge of my past…?”

“I do.” Essek replied.

“Well, ah… I do not know how much you are aware of… at this point, but, ah… as you… probably assumed, that incident… has something to do with it.” Caleb explained. “That is vague, I apologize… I… sometimes… something will remind me of… ah… moments from the past… situations that… I have experienced. And, ah… it all gets a bit… tangled up. The… the now and the then. It becomes… ah…” Caleb sighed, seemingly frustrated with his own incoherence. “I apologize, I don’t… usually put this into words.”

“Take your time.” Essek assured. He didn’t know how much Caleb wanted to share and he tried to brace himself for whatever he’d learn. He had a well-informed feeling that it would not be pleasant.

“Thank you…” Caleb paused. “Sometimes it becomes… difficult to tell apart the… present and the past. The… perceptions and memories…” He began drawing little patterns on Essek’s torso. “And I lose… my grip on my surroundings.”

Essek tried no to imagine what memories Caleb had conjured up that one time he’d been a witness to it.

“These memories. They’re old. All of them… happened a very long time ago. The things that come back, I mean…” Caleb sighed again. “So they, they should not be a bother anymore but…” His voice trailed off, getting lost somewhere.

So being tied to a chair had provoked a memory of a similar situation that had traumatized him enough to stick around for a long time. That was… more than unsettling. Essek had assumed as much when he’d pondered the incident. But the thought had been rooted in theories and assumptions so it had felt distant and uncertain. Now that Caleb had all but confirmed it, the realization that something like this had happened felt sharp and crisp and real.

“You… heh, must be wondering about the… the chair thing.” Caleb knew. He seemed to contemplate his options for a moment and though impatience gnawed at Essek’s nerves he gave him the time he needed. “I… er… arcanists are… often willing to go rather far… to… push the boundaries of what they know…”

Didn’t Essek know it.

“And, ah… sometimes these boundaries cannot… be pushed without some… assistance…” Caleb’s voice trailed off again, there was a frailness to his tone that Essek didn’t like.

“I understand.” He relieved Caleb of the burden of recounting events. His words had been vague but clear enough to give Essek an idea of what had happened. How he’d been tied up, the strange scars, the previous admissions about the Scourger and now this confession about magical exploration… things were coming together to form a cohesive picture. An unsettling, almost disturbing one. There were probably cartfuls of things about Caleb that would now make sense if Essek thought about them. That, he was sure of.

Essek could not describe the tumultuous feeling in his chest if he wanted to. He still felt guilt – though he knew it was unjustified – over putting Caleb through that situation. But more than that, with these pieces falling into place, there was realization and dread creeping into his consciousness. Essek had almost forgotten Caleb’s discomfort about the term ‘Master’… weren’t some Empire teachers and Assembly members referred to as such?

If so, how close had Essek been to whatever had left such an impression on Caleb’s mind? To the people, the environment or whatever else that had caused these cracks in his soul? Did he really want to know? There seemed to be a lot more, countless stories, that Caleb could tell of pain and hardship that someone born and raised during a period of peace should not be carrying as memories. But Essek didn’t push, didn’t pry. It was not his place. Even as a newly designated friend.

“If I might ask…” Essek pursued a different thought. “Your friends – Has this happened around them before? Would they have known what to do?”

“Not… quite like this.” Caleb admitted. “Some of them know a little more about… all of that… than others. I do think they must have all noticed that there are things that, ah, … affect me. But less like this and more… quiet and distant… That and… I think we’ve all had the odd nightmare, right?”

Essek denied his urge to point out that Drow did not have nightmares because they did not sleep. It was not the time to discuss their physiological differences. “Right. So… there may be more things that… you don’t know right now that you would not be alright with?”

Caleb turned to meet his eyes again. “If there are and I notice I will inform you. I have promised you that and it is a promise I will keep.” He said resolutely.

Essek gave him a soft smile. He moved his hand to run his fingers through Caleb’s hair. “As you should.”

Caleb turned away and rested his head again. “If… if there’s… if you have any questions…”

A million. Maybe two million. The ‘who’, ‘when’ and ‘what’ only being the start. “No. Like I said, I will not pry into matters that are your own. But… if you seek to confide in me further, I will not refuse you. I… I will confess that I don’t have much to offer in the way of comfort and platitudes, but I can lend you an ear.”

“That is… quite a lot to offer already.” There was a softness to Caleb’s voice. “Thank you.”

Essek went back to drawing circles on Caleb’s back. He didn’t want this to linger on the note of Caleb’s trauma.

“Is that…” Caleb raised his voice again. “You are drawing… that is the alchemical rune for phosphorus, is it not?”

Essek smiled. “I should have known you’d notice immediately.” He praised, tracing the pattern once more with his fingertips before switching to a new image.

“That… oh that is more elaborate.”

“Well, you picked up on the first one very quickly.” Essek explained, continuing to draw on Caleb’s back.

“Are those the runic representations of the verbal components for Gift of Alacrity?” Caleb asked.

“Correct.” Essek affirmed. “I must say, I’m impressed. I did not think your impeccable memory extended to this…”

“That makes two of us.” Caleb gave a brief laugh. “Though… my _impeccable_ reading focus faltered quite a bit today, so all bets are off, I suppose…”

“Yes, well, that is if you compare it to someone who is reading without… distractions.” Essek mused. “I assure you, most anyone would not have gotten past the first sentence.”

“Hmm, sounds as though you’ve put many a lover through that test.” Caleb pondered.

“Oh, not at all.” Essek drew circles again. “You were just… flirting with me with that suggestion and I had no intention to leave your offer of assistance untaken.”

Caleb paused. “There was not much else left ‘untaken’, either, friend.”

Essek blinked. Sometimes he forgot that Caleb could be quite bold. Which he probably shouldn’t, since the first thing he’d seen him do, ever, was hand a Luxon-damned beacon to his Queen.

“Hm…” Caleb voiced before Essek could respond to him. “’Friend’ sounds… rather off in this circumstance.”

“Have I already lost my newly earned title, then?”

“Nein, of course not.” Caleb said. “Just an observation…”

“… Are you… are you contemplating what to call me right now?”

“Ah. Ja, sort of.” Caleb admitted.

“Well, I do have a name that you have proven to use quite nicely.” Essek reminded.

“That is fair, but you called me ‘darling’ before. I assumed I ought to find… something to match that name.”

Essek swallowed at the thought of being given a pet name by Caleb. He tried not to linger on it and pushed for something tangentially related. “… Is there truly no good translation for ‘pet’ or did you not want me to butcher your native tongue by trying out the word?”

“There really is no good translation.” Caleb assured. “I mean, there is a word, but… it is… more for an actual pet cat or pet dog… rather than a term of… endearment.”

“I see.”

“Ja. The only word that comes to mind would be, ah, ‘Haustier’. Which… literally means ‘house-animal’. And, ah…” Caleb paused. “I… would not like for you to call me that.”

“Understandably. I do not wish to call you that, either.” Essek kept himself from asking for alternatives to use. Not that he’d actually try to use them during a tryst. He still assumed he’d just fuck up Caleb’s language and make him laugh. Though… a full, loud, joyous laugh from Caleb…

“If you really, truly want to try to refer to me in Zemnian in that way…” Oh. Caleb was a mind reader. “Hm, during our … conversation a little while ago, you suggested ‘kitten’? That would be ‘Kätzchen’ in Zemnian. But, ah… actually, that would make me think of my familiar, Frumpkin.”

Also off the table then.

“Other than that I can only think of… terms of affection.”

“Right. Well… since you are giving me a language lesson, what would those be?” Essek downplayed his interest.

“There are several. As is… probably true for most languages. There’s ‘Liebling’ and ‘Schatz’, which are common… I mean… not Common, but ah. You know what I mean.”

Essek couldn’t help a soft chuckle.

“I have heard someone use ‘mein Herz’, which literally just means ‘my heart’.” Essek liked that one, it was endearing. “But, ah, there must be hundreds of pet names… especially since anything can be a term of endearment.” Caleb continued to draw patterns on Essek’s skin. “But if you wish to learn Zemnian, perhaps there is a better place to start than nicknames?” He teased.

“Probably.” Essek agreed. Denying it was pointless.

With nothing more to say on the subject, they fell quiet again and Essek was left to try and memorize each sensation that Caleb gave him. As though he might forget how this felt once he was alone again. As he laid there, he replayed their tryst in his head. He tried to think about what he’d make Caleb do next time. What things they could explore.

“Essek.” Caleb tore him out of his thoughts, startling him.

“Yes, Caleb?”

“…” There was a pause as though Caleb regretted raising his voice. “Why… why are you so interested in Zemnian pet names?”

“No particular reason…” Essek replied, finding it odd that Caleb’s mind still lingered on it. “I was curious about the translation you denied me and I am sure you know how it goes. Once you learn a little you need to learn more.”

“Ah, true.” Caleb agreed. “Ja… that makes sense…” He paused, apparently in thought, before continuing. “I had that same… experience when you made me read.”

“Did you now?”

“Ja. I… as you, I think, know, I did not grow up on the coast so that legend was new to me.” Caleb explained. “And I found it quite interesting to learn about it.”

Right, that had been the subject of his read. Essek recalled only a long string of moans and gasps. “I am surprised you managed to focus on the content of it.”

“Ah, focusing on that was… the only thing to… ah… maintain a little self-control.” Caleb admitted and Essek thought he could feel him blush.

“I see.” Essek smiled. “Well, it is good to know that that is a method for you to actually learn new things…” He mused.

“… I fear I may have unleashed something upon my future self just now.” Caleb pondered.

“Perhaps.” Essek chuckled. “You will just have to wait and see.”

“I suppose I have no choice.” Caleb replied. Though his words spoke of resignation, his tone betrayed his excitement. “Are there any Xhorhassian fairytales or myths?” He changed the topic.

‘The religion of the Luxon.’ Essek decided not to say. “Yes, there are quite a few. I do not think you can have a culture without some popular stories of dubious origin and even more questionable validity being spread.”

“I suppose that’s true.” Caleb nodded.

“There are several bookstores around Rosohna that carry collections of them. I could see whether I have a book like that myself, sometime. If you would like to read it.”

“Ah, sure…. Thank you.” Caleb said.

“It’s no trouble.” Essek lied.

They fell back into their silence. Essek continued to stare up at the ceiling. They remained like that for another few moments before Caleb spoke up again.

“I should probably get going soon…” He announced.

Essek pressed his lips together. His gaze shifted to the window, looking beyond it, to the ever-dark sky. “Right, that would be advisable.” He agreed. It was getting rather late.

Caleb didn’t move to get up. “Ja…. Heh, I don’t think I have been this thoroughly exhausted after a tryst before.”

“Is that a good or a bad thing?” Essek asked.

“Good. It’s… nice. It’s a pleasant way of being tired.” Caleb explained. “Better than being tired from fighting to the death, at least.”

It was clearly intended as a joke but something in Essek’s gut twisted at the comparison. It made him think of things he wished to banish from his mind. “Well, I would hope that this has been more pleasurable for you than near death.”

“Ja, of course. I very thoroughly enjoyed this…” Caleb was quick to remind. “But, ah, being this tired… walking home will be dreadful.”

“I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to Teleport you home.” Essek said and he noticed the edge in his voice a little late. He knew Caleb was good at insinuations. And if that had been one he did not want to entertain it.

“Oh, that is- Apologies, that is not- I didn’t expect that or wanted to ask that.” Caleb stammered. He sat up to properly look at Essek and Essek missed the contact instantly. “I would not abuse your gifts like that.”

Essek knew that. Or, he should have known that. He should have known better than to assume that Caleb wanted him for a Teleport like that. “I… yes, of course… Er… are you leaving right away?” He tried to switch the subject.

Caleb looked at him blankly for a moment. Then he looked away, hunting some unseen spot on Essek’s wall. “I… can if that’s what you… I still have a little more time, I think.”

Essek sat up, as well. He realized that Caleb was handing him that decision. He chose not call him out on that. “Well, maybe if you rest just a little longer it will be easier to go home?” He offered and the suggestion felt awkward. Essek overall felt like he’d let this situation get away from him somehow and desperately tried to get it back.

Caleb turned back to him and Essek found his gaze to be a little more guarded than it had been moments ago. “Ja, okay.” He finally agreed and Essek suppressed the desire to exhale loudly. They both settled down again and Caleb pressed against him once more. But it was less open. He wasn’t draped over Essek the way he’d been before but rather a little curled up at his side. Essek wasn’t entirely certain what to make of the change.

He wrapped his arm around Caleb again; gingerly this time to make sure that the contact was not unwanted. He started to draw patterns on Caleb’s back, trailing his fingertips gently over the skin.

“That is nice…” Caleb muttered after a tense moment of silence.

“This?” Essek asked and pointedly drew another circle on Caleb’s back.

“Ja.”

Essek smiled faintly, hoping to have regained control, and started to draw a pattern again.

“Ah. The basic arrangement of a Teleportation Circle.”

“That’s correct. Next one.” Essek announced. He drew a more complicated string of symbols. Caleb didn’t speak up until he was done.

“… Again, please?”

“Are you just stealing caresses from me?”

“Well, the pleasantness is… motivating. But I really could not interpret it….” Caleb explained.

“Right, then.” Essek drew them a second time.

“… They make no sense.” Caleb deadpanned.

“Of course they do. You must not be getting them right. Try again.” He gave it a third shot.

“Is that… is that supposed to be the outer rune sequence of the Teleportation Circle in the Lucid Bastion?” Caleb asked.

“Yes.”

“You… ah… hm…”

“… What?” Essek asked.

“… There were… three runes in there that were not quite right.”

“I’m sorry?” Essek asked incredulously. “I assure you the sequence was flawless. I use it quite frequently after delivering your group to your destinations.”

“I… ah… I write them differently and they… work, as well.” Caleb said sheepishly.

Essek paused. He _could_ get up and retrieve some notes to prove Caleb wrong. He _could._ “Agree to disagree?” But like hells was he going to leave for that.

“Gladly… but… you do not have to stop altogether…” Caleb replied.

Essek smirked. “No, I don’t.” And he began to draw the next rune.

-

Essek almost didn’t wake Caleb when he began to doze off again. But he knew he was on borrowed time in regards to Jester’s silence, so he did what he did not want and gently shook his shoulder.

Caleb inhaled sharply. “Hm…? Ja…? Oh.”

“You… might want to head home before you accidentally fall asleep on me.” Essek pointed out

“Ah, ja. That would be embarrassing.” Caleb joked. He sat up, did a quick stretch and Essek observed his muscles tense in his body. He then watched Caleb leave the bed and begin to get dressed. Essek stood up, as well, to escort him out. He only put his mantle over his shoulders in case someone happened to catch a glimpse of him in the doorway.

As he waited for Caleb to slip into his clothing, Essek looked at his bed. The dents and wrinkles, the evidence of two bodies pressed snugly against each other. All that space that would become unused and lonely within a few minutes. He looked away to focus on Caleb, who was securing his books at his side. Half of him was illuminated by the glow of the candles, the other half by silver light that poured in from the outside. And Essek felt absolutely lost in the glinting patterns on his body.

Caleb put on his coat and wrapped his scarf around his neck. He looked at Essek. “I am good to go.”

Essek hated to disagree, but… “Almost. Your hair gives a very clear indication about what transpired between us.” He walked over, gently took Caleb’s hand and lead him to the full-length mirror, worrying that brushing his hair into place for him would feel oddly intrusive. They were walking on the border of their bubble, after all.

“Ah. I’m a mess.” Caleb announced as he saw himself.

Essek stepped back to let him fix his hair. Both of them were visible in the mirror together. Essek looked away.

After a few moments, Caleb’s ponytail was in order again. “Better?” He turned toward Essek.

“Much.” Essek gave his approval. “Come, I will accompany you to the door.” The declaration was superfluous since he never let Caleb leave without an escort to the door. He lead the way. “Here we are.” He announced uselessly.

“Ja. We are here.” Caleb echoed.

They both stood by the closed door for a moment. Just… lingering. This was new. And Essek didn’t quite understand why it was happening.

“Well, goodnight. Have a safe walk home.” He finally said.

“Ah, ja, thank you. Gute Nacht…. I would wish you the same but, ah-“ He laughed wryly.

“I will try to get to bed safely.” Essek played along with a smile.

They lingered for another moment and there were brief seconds when Essek thought he should lean in to give Caleb a kiss. But he did not. Instead they both moved closer to the door until Essek reached out and opened it, breaking the strange tension between them.

“I will, ah, see you soon.” Caleb said.

“Yes, goodnight again… Light be with you.”

Caleb walked out. Essek hoped he’d turn around. He didn’t.

Essek shut the door.

The sheets were still warm when he went to trance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter felt incomplete for a bit and then I put more pining in there and boom.
> 
> Next update may be slow. I sorta cut into my thumb a lil and it’s super annoying to type with it the band-aids. Then again I thought I was hindered by something before and it only took a day or so longer so -uncertain gremlin noises-
> 
> As per usual thank you for commenting and kudo-ing!! Yer making me squeal. Every damn time.
> 
> -  
> Caleb helpfully provides the translations this time but here is what he only mentions:  
> Liebling – a term of endearment, translates to “favorite” (kind of)  
> Schatz – a very common term of endearment, literally translates to “treasure”  
> -
> 
> PS: I made a tumblr now? I don’t really know what I’m gonna do with it except reblog a bunch of CR stuff and make shitposts. It’s 'definitely-not-gremlins.tumblr.com' so yknow if you have a tumblr poke me and I’ll follow you cause I literally have like 10 posts right now and don’t know whom to follow I have forgotten how to make one of these HELP. 
> 
> -
> 
> I'm starting to have more sign offs than Foster good lord


	12. Push the boundaries

_“But, ah, until I say so, please do assume that I want this. And that I am not operating under some kind of…” Caleb paused. “I don’t even know.”_

_“Yes, of course.” Essek agreed. “I could not enjoy this if I had to second guess your interest each time.”_

_“Yes, that. Likewise. Me too.” Caleb replied. “But, ah, I believe I have stated my interest quite clearly at this point.”_

_“You mean that you desire for me to take you to my bed and have you as though I owned you?” Essek asked, lips curling into a smirk. “Yes, I think you have been rather outspoken about that.”_

_Caleb’s cheeks flushed into a delightful shade, his fingers were tapping against his glass again. “… You normally speak in such a … polished and proper manner that I sometimes forget that you are, ah, quite capable of the opposite, as well.” He muttered as though it would lend justification to the color in his cheeks._

_“Don’t act as though you’re not guilty of the same.” Essek berated playfully. “Nobody likes a hypocrite, Widogast.” He supposed that might explain his own lack of popularity. He brushed the thought off._

_“Hah, I suppose you’re right.” Caleb said drily. “But, ahm, what you said, yes. That is what I meant.”_

_“That you want me to own you?” Essek pushed further._

_“Gods.” Caleb averted his eyes. “Yes, Essek, that I want you to own me.”_

_Apparently, it was more embarrassing for him when Essek said it to him than when he just explained it himself. That was curious. And definitely a lever worth pulling. “That you want me to take you?” Essek leaned forward. “Like you’re mine? Like I can do anything I want to you?”_

_“Ja. That- All of that.” Caleb was still pointedly avoiding Essek’s eyes. He seemed to find something in the nonexistent spot he had focused on as his face scrunched up in thought. The gentle tapping sounds of fingertips against glass ceased. “I- Ah, maybe this question is very stupid.”_

_Essek knew he was going to ask it, anyway. But he did not mind offering encouragement. “Go ahead, I’m sure it is fine.”_

_“This… ownership-“ He raised his free hand to make quotation marks in the air. “-that you will have over me. You won’t… have me indicate it in some way, correct? Since all of this is just part of the, ah, bubble.”_

_“How do you mean?” Essek asked. “Indicate… how?”_

_“Oh, I mean something visual.” Caleb looked down at his glass and his fingertips ran over the curve of it. “Like, something to wear.”_

_“Oh!” Essek exclaimed as he finally understood. “I don’t- You are aware that I will not actually own you, correct? In any way? You are still free to do whatever you like outside of the hours we share.”_

_“Ja, I know.” Caleb affirmed. “But I heard of signifiers being used in this type of relationship… I assume that is a ‘no’, then?”_

_“Well, that sort of thing certainly exists but… since you are still free to seek out someone else and our situation is… unique…” Essek paused. “Unless you wish to be made to wear something. I could find something subtle… You would have to lie about its origin if someone saw it, however.”_

_“Ah, no, I-“ Caleb fumbled. “That would probably be, ah, very unwise. Wearing anything outside of-“ He bit his lip. His stammering made Essek feel stupid for giving that idea more than a second to live. “I just- I wanted to know, to have brought it up, I guess. To know for sure.”_

_“Right, yes. It would be a foolish- I simply thought if you really wanted it, I could make that possible.” He tried to rationalize. “If you are interested in having proof of my ownership-“ Essek mirrored Caleb’s one-handed air quotes. “-over you, I could always give you a temporary mark. Like a hickey.”_

_Caleb met his eyes. He nodded. “I… I believe I would like that, yes.”_

-

Essek’s tried to calm his nerves as he floated into an alleyway.

He felt as though someone was on his heels and had been following him the entire time. And he knew that he was merely being paranoid, but he could not help the anxiety bubbling up and urging him to turn back. But he had no intentions of abandoning his quest. He glanced to the entrance of the alleyway. It wasn’t a suspicious-looking alley. Just one that branched off of the main road without anyone else in it. Surely, no one would think anything strange of Essek going there if they had seen it.

Ensuring that he was, in fact, alone, he cast his disguise spell on himself.

Essek always felt that creating a good disguise was like an art form. One that he was somewhat good at. The appearance had to be believable, which meant accounting for several factors such as region, culture and societal class. And while doing so it had to achieve a specific goal. To blend in, to distract, to leave an impression or none at all.

Essek remained Drow. With them making up about two thirds of the Rosohna population, that would be the most forgettable and hardest to track choice. His clothing switched shades and he abandoned the mantle, trading it for the garments of an upper-middle class Rosohna citizen. No markings of a specific Den, nothing to indicate belonging to anything. He made his hair longer, only because Essek’s short cut was unusual and might give him away. He gave his face harder lines than it possessed, making him look more rugged, though not unkempt. He decided to add a notable feature. Something to draw the attention of anyone he spoke to just in case he let some of his mannerisms slip. But not notable enough to turn heads or draw undesired attention. He opted for a striking eye color. A vibrant red with gold flecks. A color mixture like that was unusual for his kind but not outright unnatural.

He wanted to carefully peek out the alley before exiting again but he knew that if he was caught doing that it’s just draw more attention than casually walking out. Well, ‘walking’ out. He knew the spiel. Act like he belonged, like he was an ordinary private citizen just on an errand as one does. Not a bookish, all but isolated member of government that did not want to be spotted.

He joined the crowd with no problem. He felt like a million eyes were on him. Like he’d turn the corner and Queen and country would be staring him down, knowing exactly who he was and what he was doing. But it was a sort of paranoia that he was used to. A fear that he had managed to suppress for a long time, that had only been resurfacing in recent weeks. He turned the corner onto a marketplace and neither his Queen nor anyone else was there to judge him. Just him and the masses.

People were a lot more pushy if they didn’t know you were the Shadowhand. A lot less queasy about entering your vicinity and personal space.

Though it gave him hope of being invisible in the crowd, he wanted nothing more than to cast a spell to push everyone away from himself. Send those shoulders and elbows, that had no problem shoving him around, flying into all directions. He shook his head, no time to dwell. The sooner he got this over with, the sooner he could be back in the comfortable elbow-free solitude of his home.

He finally spotted the sign of the leatherworker on the other side of the marketplace. With a sigh he made his way over, trying to avoid bumping into anyone or anything. He wished he had the dexterity to just glide through the masses like a common thief, but he didn’t. He _commanded_ spies. He wasn’t one. So his path to the storefront was hindered by more elbows, shoulders and abrupt stopping because someone thought standing still in the middle of a busy plaza was a wonderful idea.

He made it without incident. No one spared him a glance. Thank the gods.

With a deep breath he approached the door. No need for nervousness. He was just an average person, looking for an average item. He was glad to enter the store and shut the door behind him, the noise of the bustling daylife outside being muffled. No more hands or shoulders or elbows. Essek wanted to just take a deep breath for a moment.

“Oh, hello! Good day!”

But he couldn’t. Behind the counter was a goblin, clearly standing on some kind of stool or chair to gain some height. Essek hadn’t known the store was goblin-run. Not that he cared, either way, his disguise did not depend on the shopkeeper’s race. “Hello.” He opened his mouth and immediately, strangely, felt, like he’d already given himself away somehow. He had to push through. He ‘stepped’ further into the store, closer to the goblin who was looking up at him with expectant eyes. “I am looking to purchase something custom made.” He tried to alter his voice but he had never been good at impressions so he reverted back to his normal tone fairly quickly. As he approached, he let his gaze roam the store as though browsing when, really, he was just nervous.

“We can certainly do that for you.” The salesperson chirped and Essek couldn’t tell whether they were actually upbeat or just deep in the persona of customer attendance. “What are you looking to have made?”

Essek wanted to flee. Or scream. Or disappear. Or all of those in rapid succession. “Ah, a collar.”

“Alright, fairly standard.” The reply came without missing a beat. The shopkeeper pulled out some utensils to take a few notes. “What kind of beast is it for?”

Ah, yes, the dreaded question. And there was the thing, he probably could have said something like ‘oh, my Lord has purchased a new human’ – or something else that would make his skin crawl – and he would be believed. That would invite more questions that he did not want to conjure up more lies for, though. But he could not, for the life of him, think of Caleb, and he certainly was thinking of him, and open his mouth and say ‘moorbounder’ or something more or equally as beastly. “I have made some notes in advance, including the required measurements.” He slipped a folded piece of parchment over the counter. He knew that the sentence sounded somewhat jarring as a response, but he didn’t care if the salesperson tried to guess his true intentions. As long as he did not have to provide answers.

The goblin looked over the notes. “Yes, yes… Yes. Lots of requests! But all of that looks to be doable. Will cost you extra though. Does it have to be these colors specifically?”

“Yes. If you cannot fulfill those demands-“

“Never said that! It’ll cost, that’s all.”

“And I will pay. I am aware of the investment.” Essek pushed.

The goblin eyed him and Essek once again reiterated through his desire to flee, scream and disappear. Maybe not in that order. “Must be many hells of a pet if you’re willing to spend that kinda coin.” They pointed out, tucking away Essek’s note.

Essek was thankful that his disguise would hide the heat pouring into his cheeks. “You could say that.”

-

“Light be with you.”

Essek was both glad and filled with dread when he pulled open the door onto the bustling marketplace. He was glad to leave that conversation, and every hidden embarrassment it entailed, behind. But he was not looking forward to the sea of elbows and shoulders that awaited him. For a brief moment, he contemplated whether he’d be noticed just vanishing if he were to Teleport home.

He knew it was wishful thinking and proceeded to head back the way he came, trying to steer clear of any clusters of people. He found his alleyway again and exhaled a breath he may have been holding since leaving the leatherworker’s store. He was glad that they had not pried too much, simply asking for half the gold in advance and the rest upon pick up. He was given a deadline by which, if he did not return, it’d go up for regular sale. A deadline he would not miss if his life depended on it because his requested design was not exactly subtle. That, and he could not wait to have his hands on it.

He wondered whether he’d have it by the time the Mighty Nein returned to Rosohna. He hoped so. He wanted to put it into action as soon as possible.

Essek checked that he was alone and unobserved and dispelled his disguise. He exited the small street a different way than he had come just to be sure. He slipped onto the street. No one seemed to notice him turning the corner but after a few paces he saw that someone recognized him and gave a small and respectful head bow before going about their business.

“Shadowhand! What a pleasure to meet you here.”

No, no, no. Not here. Not now. Preferably not ever. Essek turned around. Yes. The Den representative. _Again_. “Ah, hello.” He greeted her with a fake smile and he did not even care whether she saw through it or not. She knew she was interrupting his day. She had to be.

“What a blessed coincidence.” She went on. “I was hoping to seek you out at the Bastion today.”

“The Luxon has you in his light today, it seems.” Essek replied and regurgitating the phrases his mother used to say nearly made him regurgitate something else. No, none of that. The spite had to wait. He was a devout Shadowhand.

“It appears so.” She replied and her smile was almost kind. He briefly wondered whether she was consecuted. She wasn’t of his Den, so he wouldn’t know. “It really is a pleasant coincidence. I have not seen you around here before, Shadowhand Thelyss.”

“Yes, I do not come here often.” He volunteered. He knew she’d pry. He just knew it. But she’d have to ask for any more information, he would not hand it out to her. Most of all, because there was nothing more suspicious than oversharing.

“Are you visiting someone?” She asked.

He’d expected the question to be more open, but instead she’d focused on something. He ignored the nagging feeling that she knew about Caleb. It was untrue, there was no way. If she did, she’d already be blackmailing him into securing that house for her Den. Thinking about it, Essek had no idea whether he would follow through on such a threat. “No, I was merely running an errand that happened to take me here.” He said. He was surprised that it was actually an honest response. He was simply not providing any of the interesting details. “I do not wish to be rude, but I must get back to my work. So if there was something you required of me…”

She met his eyes and her gaze was sharp with scrutiny. She was mustering him as though she could read all of his crimes printed onto his skin. And though he knew that there was nothing to give away his secrets, he couldn’t help but worry over it. “I have been informed that what we discussed about the property is still being processed.”

“As far as I am aware, that is the case.” Essek confirmed.

“Would there, perhaps, be… any way to speed up this process?” She asked gingerly. The scrutiny vanished and was replaced with false sheepishness. This woman had no reservations about asking. She just pretended to.

“Apologies, but these things take their time. There is a lot going on, currently, and the gears are turning a bit slowly, I am afraid.” He explained. “I am not responsible for overseeing this particular part of the process. Property… disputes are not my usual area of expertise, so there is not much I can do until your new claims have been thoroughly checked.”

“It is hardly a dispute.” She all but huffed. Essek knew that ‘dispute’ was one of those words that people in her profession shied away from. It would not do to have it seem like one’s Den was squabbling over something. “We are simply making sure that the claim over this house is in the rightful hands.”

Essek wondered what they’d do with it. He knew they wouldn’t need it for living accommodations, they were more than set in that regard. With this insistence on it, one would think that a Beacon was buried beneath it. Either they had something very specific planned for that location, or it was a simple matter of the two biggest motivators of influential Dens being in play: Stubbornness and pride. “Of course.”

“Is there nothing you can do to quicken the process? Before all the required documents are outdated.”

Essek knew very well that they were simply being impatient. If he really wanted to he could seek out the responsible people and ask them to prioritize the matter. They would probably even do it, simply because someone of his status was not easily refused. But that would require a lot of effort for someone he, quite frankly, could not care less for. Moreover, it would require resources that were processing other, more important matters. “Unfortunately not. This will have to run its course through the responsible positions.”

“Alright, if there is nothing you can do about it…” She let her voice trail off and Essek read it as a jab at his capability. But he let it pass, knowing that it was meant to pressure him into doing what she wanted. He wouldn’t give her the satisfaction.

“Apologies.” Essek repeated, as though if he said it multiple times it might cast a spell to send her away. “Now, if there’s nothing else-“

“Actually.” No. Why. He was sincerely trying to get to work. “I was hoping to ask you something else in regards to this. Though it might be… a favor.”

The nerve. Essek doubted that anything this person would pay him back with would be anywhere near as helpful as the sizeable amount of favors his friends owed him. But, it couldn’t harm to secure it for his Den. His mother would be ever so pleased. “What do you require?”

“I was hoping that, perhaps, you would mediate a meeting between the Dens on this subject. Not a large one, just one to settle some things.” She explained.

Gods, no. Not even for his mother. “I am not much of a mediator, I am afraid. If you are looking for such a person to attend, I am sure I can give you a very capable recommendation.”

“Oh, perhaps the term ‘mediator’ is not quite apt for what I am looking for. I was hoping you would attend to validate and denounce some claims since you have seen everything and accompanied this inquiry from the start.” She pressed.

‘I deal with assassins and traitors.’ Essek thought but did not say. ‘I oversee the gathering of secret intelligence.’ He added in his head. And he cursed the person who had deemed him a fit match to deal with this dispute. Maybe it had been a joke on him from the beginning. But he knew it would be a faux pas for him to decline without proper reasoning. He also knew why she wanted him there, really. As a chess piece because _she_ or rather _her Den_ had secured his attendance. “I see. Very well, then. I will have to determine a fitting day for such a thing. And we will have to wait for the processing of the newly added information, of course.” He relented.

“Of course.” She echoed. “Thank you, I am looking forward to seeing you in this discussion, then.”

“Light be with you.”

“And with you.” She said.

Essek turned away with curses on his held tongue.

-

He was grateful for the quiet rooms of his home. He enjoyed living in Rosohna well enough but visiting any of the busier streets rubbed him the wrong way. He would always take a quiet day in his study over a lively one outside.

He stepped onto his floor and walked to his study at a brisk pace. There was work to do. He’d not meant for this excursion to take as long as it had and he would not risk falling behind on his tasks. There were several documents that required his attention and he was more than grateful that he was allowed to sort through them in the comfort of his own towers. He mused, briefly, about the very misplaced trust his Queen had in him. Only a handful of people would ever be permitted to take important documents out of the Lucid Bastion or Conservatory. To be one of the trusted few to do so was a special honor and one that Essek had abused in the past. This selectivity meant, of course, that he had to be extremely careful about what he took where and when. There were many things that, if they did not give him away entirely, could at the very least make him seem shady and suspicious. More than his position did purposefully. It was a good thing he had always been fairly decent at being inconspicuous.

Sitting down and scooting his chair close to the desk to lean over the documents, Essek tried not to think about the errand he had just concluded. Especially that he had been spotted by someone with some repute to their Den name. She had probably thought nothing of it in the end – after all, he was perfectly allowed to run errands and go about his business like anyone else – but he could not shake his concern. Because, what if she did think it odd and tried to pursue a hunch?

Essek had been careless. Again. Every false move he made was easily dissected and scrutinized. There were people in court who were ready to lunge at the opportunity to take him down. And that was without the very good reason that Essek was not partial to his own nation.

But somehow, running this errand, getting this collar, this _thing_ made had seemed important. Important enough to do something he knew would at the very least look questionable if found out. He supposed he’d have to get a pet if anyone ever found out. A legitimate Haustier, not a pet like Caleb.

Essek blinked as the Zemnian term entered his stream of consciousness. Oh, that… was odd.

He shook his head and dug around in one of his pockets, producing a note that he’d received from the leatherworker. Something to present upon picking up the item. He opened a drawer to let it vanish it into, but his eyes lingered on it. He wanted to regret his purchase. For some reason Essek wished that he’d feel his gut sour at spending so much on something so frivolous and unnecessary. It would feel appropriate and right, even if he was not low on funds, to feel that it was a waste. Superfluous spending for an unnecessary arrangement.

But he didn’t. Thinking about what the final product might look like, Essek only felt excitement. How it would look on Caleb made this feeling even worse. How he’d wrap it around his neck and secure the buckle for him. He’d look at this visual representation of their arrangement, of their _bond-_

A thought occurred to him. And then another immediately fought with it. _It was not the same._

This was going to be a purely aesthetical item. Something that Caleb could wear when they were alone to feel it around his neck. Something for Essek to look at during their scenes. That was it.

Of course, _some people_ saw collaring one’s submissive to be on par with… marriage. But Essek and Caleb weren’t _some people_. This wasn’t that. It was nowhere near that. If this was on the plane of Elysium, then _that_ was in the lowest of Hells. Not that Essek condemned the practice. It just. This wasn’t like that.

Essek did not see this as meaningful and neither did Caleb, so it had no meaning.

So Essek was fretting over something extremely meaningless. His mind provided the memory of Caleb’s enthusiastic nodding. The way his submissive had indicated that he didn’t want just anyone… Well, of course, Essek would remember that thinking about the collar. And, of course, it would flatter him. Truly, was there any individual who would not be flattered by the suggestion that they were somehow special? To be told that they were unique or good enough at something to be a cut above the other options? Essek would want to meet the person who would not find that a pleasant thought. And it was only flattery if Essek decided to take Caleb’s indication at face value. Caleb had been on the ground, tied up and gagged and in the middle of a scene in which he pretended to be devoted to Essek like a possession. Like Essek truly was his whole world. So perhaps, anything he had said or indicated was to be taken with a grain of salt.

Essek sighed. There was no point in thinking about it. The collar was being made. Essek tucked away the note in the waiting drawer, burying it under some other items to ensure that he’d not encounter it again until he was looking for it. If it came down to it, he could just get the collar and let it sit in some drawer forever.

-

About an hour later, Caleb was still there. Like a rude guest that couldn’t take a hint, he sat in Essek’s mind, in memory after memory.

The things Essek was trying to work on were fascinating. And extremely important. Espionage reports always held his full, undivided attention and interest. Decrypting, reading and interpreting them and then formulating an ideal strategy and appropriate responses that were then re-encrypted… that was one of his favorite activities as Shadowhand. It was often challenging, it always brought more knowledge to his mind and he could get fully absorbed in it for hours.

Not that day, though.

While Essek still adored the fact that he had somehow managed to be in a position where he could call a smart, like-minded, handsome wizard his lover – of a sort – he wished that that very man would not dominate his thoughts the way he did. Because, really, he had no right to.

He had even less right to be on Essek’s mind any other way than undressed and beneath him.

But what Essek kept coming back to were not the trysts themselves. It wasn’t Caleb’s delightful physique deliciously wrapped in dark rope, it was what had happened after that. Idle chatting in Essek’s bed while resting in a comfortable embrace. That moment had, of course, not been bad. Not in the slightest. But there was something about it that just stuck with Essek and forced him to replay those minutes over and over again in his head. He felt like he’d missed something.

He sighed and leaned back from his desk and stared at a nonexistent point in the air. He had to sort this mess out. So that he could focus properly.

Why was this bothering him this much at all? They had fucked, Caleb had expressed his liking, Essek had ensured Caleb was okay and they had parted ways. That should be that. But it wasn’t.

Somehow, inexplicably, it did not end there.

Essek glanced at the book sitting on the corner of his desk. Caleb’s book. No, the book he’d been lending Caleb. The clean version. It was sitting on top of his records of the Teleportation Circle beneath the Lucid Bastion and the runic sequences requited to Teleport there. Essek had checked and, of course, been right about the runic sequence. He had planned on telling Caleb upon his return. He had also cracked open the book again, if only to skim the next chapters that Caleb would be reading. There were some passages that they could probably discuss at great length.

But… why had he cared enough to do that?

What was bothering him so much about their last aftercare?

What had Caleb _wanted_ then?

Moments of their conversation came back to him. Instances where he maybe should have given a different response, offered something more, said something else. He knew that it was too late to worry about it. The moment was in the past. But perhaps if he could identify something that bothered him about it, he could deal with it and focus.

Then again, when had he last been able to properly focus on his work? Caleb was oddly intrusive, considering his reserved nature.

Essek cast his mental net wider, picking at different memories from their tryst. His thoughts filled with warm light, the crackling of a fire and the pleasant sound of a Zemnian lilt. But more than that, the thoughts he’d had. The things he’d not said. About Caleb. To Caleb. In that hazy lust-drunken state without the ability to filter his thoughts.

Make him stay. Study with him. Keep him close at all times. Those ideas were…

Essek scrunched up his nose. He looked back down at his notes.

Wanting to learn about him. Asking about Zemnian. Liking the idea of being his one and only.

Essek swallowed. It was as though someone was knocking on the backdoor of his mind and he had been ignoring the sound for days, pretending he wasn’t home.

But there was only so long one could ignore a persistent visitor. Eventually, one had to open that door to look the matter in the face.

Essek knew that the thoughts he’d been having were… wrong, in a way. It had not been part of his plan to be this mentally caught up in their arrangement. And he felt like, on some level, he’d been aware for days that something was off. That, once it had become a secured arrangement, it should have been off his mind. That Caleb, no matter the context, should have become a passing thought at this point. Realistically, he should not have been on his mind, at all. Unless Essek saw him in person or had to deal with something about him or the Nein. Or, well, unless Essek felt particularly lonely one night. He would give himself that…

But something else had seeped into his consciousness. Something that made him almost cling to the idea of Caleb. To want him around fulltime.

Essek blinked. It was possessiveness. It was his controlling side not being satisfied with what he had been given.

It made sense. Wanting him at all times, thinking about impossible desires. Possessive, obviously unrealistic little things that a level-headed Essek would not entertain for a second - based on their lack of feasibility alone.

He was possessive over a sub. That was… probably not a good thing. Considering how much it distracted him, it was _definitely_ not a good thing. However, it made sense, at least. This was the first regular visitor he’s had in a while. It had probably been an unaccounted for inevitability that he would latch onto him somewhat. Even if that was pathetic to admit.

After all, if a man was dying of thirst and given a glass of water, would he not steal greedy gazes at the water barrel after he had finished his glass? Would he not refill his cup time and time again? Would he not linger on the thought of a filled glass until he was satisfied? The only difference was that Essek didn’t actually _need_ this arrangement like a dehydrated person needed water. Caleb’s company was unnecessary to him. Which was exactly what made his possessiveness over him such a problem.

Essek had specific tastes and Caleb happened to fulfill them. So, naturally it would matter to him what Caleb thought and said. Because it would take forever until Essek found another like him if he pushed this one away. And what ripple effects would alienating him have on Essek’s relationship with the rest of the Nein? Which, aside from being surprisingly pleasant, was important to keep him safe.

And lingering on Caleb’s appearance? Well, could one not appreciate a handsome man in a flattering light?

So he wanted more control over Caleb. He was getting a little attached. But who wouldn’t? When it was good and fun and the reality outside of it could be anything but? When it was the first warm thing after decades of isolating coldness? Of course Essek would want to make sure to keep hold of it. To maintain this to the best of his abilities and to have more of it if possible. Anybody would.

But he was not allowed. Because, even if it was understandable and even if Essek knew the irrationality of it all, these possessive little quirks, this itch for control had pierced the walls of their bubble. It had been influencing his day-to-day for far too long and veered into territory where he wished to have domain over elements of Caleb and his life that were, rightfully, beyond his reach.

He had figured out the problem. That was something. Now all he needed to do was find out what to do with it. How does one stop being possessive over something as inconsequential as a string of trysts?

He could call it off.

Tell Caleb that he simply did not have the time for the arrangement. That they could try again when things had calmed down more. If Caleb still wanted him then. No, if Caleb still wanted _to sleep with him_ then. The possessive thoughts were fitting during a scene. Not outside of it. Caleb didn’t want _him_. Caleb wanted what Essek was giving him and there was a very clear difference between those things. It worked both ways. Essek wanted what Caleb was offering, his body, his submission, their scenes. He’d just let these additional, possessive thoughts fester when he should have been silencing them from the start.

But regardless, Essek didn’t want it to end. Because Caleb _was_ such a rare match. Because he would be denying them both something they enjoyed. That possessiveness crept in and told him not to let go.

Someone was approaching his towers.

-

“Sorry to disturb you at your home, Shadowhand. This message is to be delivered to you and read by you immediately.” The man clad in Lucid Bastion armor held out a sealed piece of parchment while offering a light bow of the head.

“Ah. Thank you.” Essek graciously took it. The guard didn’t step away. An escort? Curious. Essek broke the seal and started to read the message from the Bastion. Hm. Undercommon. Interesting choice.

_Fuck._

Someone had noticed suspicious activity. He was to come to the Lucid Bastion and deal with matters immediately. With a sigh, he folded it back up. He summoned his spell book from its pocket dimension, gently placed the note inside for quick safekeeping and then flicked his wrist to make the tome disappear. He looked at the guard before him.

“Shall we, then?”

-

Essek glanced at his escort. The note had been relatively vague on what exactly had been noticed and what precisely he was to do about it, but he developed several theories on their way over. He maintained his cool, unbothered façade while he felt anxiety prickle at his nerves.

He didn’t think that this was his doing or that any of his misdeeds had been noticed. But while he’d been more than careful about covering his tracks, what if there was something he’d forgotten? Some methods of acquiring information about him that he had not even considered? No, he couldn’t think about it. He‘d been meticulous, careful and calculating. He’d been all the things he needed to be.

Not like he was then, often distracted and unfocused, his thoughts anywhere but where they were supposed to be.

For a split second he worried that he was not walking into the Lucid Bastion to sort out a problem, but walking in to never walk out again. To be punished on the spot, lured in under a false claim because they had figured him out. No, that was unlikely. His Queen could be quite ferocious, but she would not let that get in the way of the proper course of action. They would probably put him in the Dungeon of Penance first.

He chose not to think about it.

-

It was not, in fact, a trap to get him to walk into his end peacefully. It was a normal summons.

Much to his dismay, there was not a lot of information available. Some guards had voiced concerns that someone – an enemy spy, a mercenary, a third party, it was unclear – was trying to gather information from the more prominent government buildings in Rosohna. They based this on untimely unlocked doors and promises that they had seen a figure lingering in the shadows. Essek estimated the likelihood of them overreacting due to the pressure of the political situation to be sizeable. But still less likely than someone actually trying to intrude and steal information. He ensured to have some of the safety measures doubled, specifically and subtly focusing on the weak spots that could reveal something about his treason.

“With all due respect, I do not think an escort is necessary.” He intoned, looking at the small collection of people he was meeting with. “I have looked into the matter and so far there is no concrete evidence of any agents or foul play. The witness accounts are rather flimsy.”

“Be that as it may.” The Dusk Captain responded. “With the situation and recent events as they are, I don’t think that we can be too careful.”

“The location that this figure has supposedly been seen at would not indicate an attempt on anyone’s life.” Essek explained. The last thing he needed, for several reasons, was a couple of guards accompanying him and standing watch outside his towers. “I believe increasing the guard around the Bastion and Bright Queen will suffice, at least until we have more solid evidence.”

“I wonder, what courage emboldens you today to refuse more security, Shadowhand?” The Dusk Captain asked and Essek almost broke his façade. She was right, of course. Without any dirty little secrets, there would be no reason to refuse an offer for more protection. If there was an assassin about, he would be a person of interest to them, as well.

“It is hardly courage, Dusk Captain. Merely a wish to see our assets distributed in a reasonable manner. From my reports, this intruder may be fictitious and, if not, does not appear as a threat to any members of the Bright Queen’s court.” He re-iterated. “But, of course, I will defer to your expertise with the rest.” He would not go pushing too much against the partner of the Bright Queen, a General and a woman several lifetimes his better.

The Dusk Captain considered him for a moment. He could see her mulling over his words. “Very well, Shadowhand. If your reports do not speak of a threat, an overreaction may be a misstep.” She turned to another member of their round. “Double the guard around the Bastion and in the Queen’s entourage. Proceed with extreme caution for the next days.” She turned to Essek. “That will be everything for now, Shadowhand.”

“Very well. I will be returning to my towers for work then.” He explained.

“Of course. May the light be with you.”

“And with you, Dusk Captain.”

At least he got out of being further accompanied by any guards. He was relieved to have convinced the Dusk Captain that those resources would best be spent elsewhere for the time being. The last thing he needed was eyes on him at all times.

-

He once again embraced the solitude of his towers with open arms.

The urgency of the matter at the Bastion had at least allowed him to focus on it properly, which had been a nice change of pace. But he was still not finished with business for the day. He felt encouraged and motivated and in the right mindset so he hurried to his study, before Caleb could take over again.

He seated himself at his desk and pulled out the documents he’d been dealing with before the intrusion.

It was well into the evening at this point, but he wished to get this particular thing done that day. Things had been rather tense within the Lucid Bastion recently. Reasonably tense, one could say. If there was ever a time for Essek to not fall behind on his duties, this was it. Not only because of the required efficiency that came with his profession, but also because he did not wish to draw attention on himself in any shape or form.

So he pointedly ignored Caleb’s book, no, the book he was occasionally lending to Caleb, sitting on the corner of his desk and instead began to read over his documents.

Mostly, they were reports by spies stationed in and around the Empire. Highly sensitive information that only his eyes would ever see. He examined the first letter that had come to his hands. An unbroken, but meaningless seal. There were faint imprints along the edges that faded when someone tampered with it. All of it seemed to be alright.

He opened it up and looked over the notes. Absolute gibberish. Excellent. He started to work on determining the cipher that had been used to encode the message. These particular reports were not sent by arcanists who could have used magical means of encrypting the information, so ciphers and manual decoding had to suffice. Essek didn’t mind. He found the hunting for the correct cipher and consequential decoding to be almost meditative in nature. He spent the next hours decoding and reading each message that had been provided for him, committing them to memory before destroying the parchment. Routine. Until he was ever told otherwise he was to destroy any evidence of correspondence.

He felt good, clocking in a couple of hours of focused work, even if it was beginning to get late. However, as he looked at the final, still closed, message sitting upon his desk his gaze drifted over to the intrusive book once more.

How was _he_ doing?

Was he safe?

Were they all?

Essek shook his head. No more.

He focused back on the letter. As he reached to pick it up his fingers twitched. None of the information sent to him by spies was ever marked in any real way. Occasionally they were stamped with a false sigil to lead anyone who might try and intercept these messages astray.

However, there was only one sender in all of Essek’s correspondences who would send letters in this particular shade of parchment. And there weren’t many reasons for _them_ to use physical correspondence like this, as leaving a paper trail was against their wishes and preferences, as well.

Possible research results from his co-conspirators.

Essek’s eyes lingered on the letter, untouching. Unbidden, his gaze darted over to the book on the corner of his table yet again. The book that wasn’t Caleb’s.

_How far arcanists are willing to go…_

Essek pushed the memory away. The thoughts of softly spoken admissions. The exact reason why Essek had to stop being possessive over him, had to stop thinking those prohibited thoughts. They were jeopardizing this. All of this. Essek shook his head lightly. This was more important. He stood up, took the book and the notes and returned them to their spot in his shelves. Out of mind, out of sight, he hoped.

He returned to the document.

Right. The usual precautions. One did not deal with the people he dealt with without learning a trick or two or being excessively careful. He started the usual procedure, identifying whether there was any magic on the message. There was, but it seemed to be illusory in nature. He opened the letter gently. Then he tried to analyze it again, should there be any enchantment that triggered after a period of time. Nothing, it was safe. He ensured that he was not being watched or observed. Also nothing, he was by himself. Satisfied with those results, he began the tenuous process of both magically and manually decoding the provided information. It took quite a while to make the entire message legible, but Essek finally concluded the task after some time.

He read it. It was… largely disappointing. Rather than revolutionary research and information, what his Empire partners had sent him was very political in nature. About future proceedings, about eventualities and precautions. Every word was laced with venom, every space a threat.

At first, when all of this had begun, Essek had thought to feign being part of a group, feeling that being outnumbered from the get-go was a disadvantage. But he had needed a fragile, tenuous string of trust and had known that it would not have been extended to him if they had seen through his initial lie. And the likelihood of them doing so had not been trivial. After all, they were high-ranking members of the Empire, not commoners who would fall for a simple con. So he’d been as honest as he deemed safe, operating as an individual both with and against a group.

Upon concluding his second read of the message, he destroyed this one, as well. He felt the illusory magic fizzle beneath his fingertips.

Essek sighed and looked out of the window wistfully.

He knew that Caleb was not looking at the same stars and moons as him.

And somehow that bothered him.

-

He went to bed with a clear idea of the next day’s events. The tasks he’d have to finish. Plans were to be made, messages to be written and encoded.

Essek stared up at his ceiling for a moment. With nothing to thoroughly occupy his mind, Caleb came gallivanting back to him. Right. Essek had not figured out what to do with him, yet. Or what not to do with him. What action to take to stop clinging to these thoughts that stepped past the bubble.

He still did not want to call it off. He’d gotten work done without distraction just that day, so maybe that was not necessary. Maybe they could continue. He’d just have to be better about enforcing the boundaries he’d created. About reigning in his thoughts, about how he looked at Caleb outside of a scene. It would be fine. Self-control came easy to Essek most of the time.

That night, though, Essek wished that Drow dreamt. Because then, at least, he could blame his subconscious for the images of copper-gold strands and piercing blue eyes that haunted his unseeing vision.

And why did he think he could still hear faint knocking?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Injuries make you write faster. You heard it here first, folks!
> 
> Just some Essek this time and some definitely100% correct conclusions of his.
> 
> Thanks for the Kudos & Comments! 
> 
> Remember in Chapter 4 when I was like ‘holyshit 150 kudos idk what to say’. This auditorium sure has grown! (I can't. Seriously. Hello to all of you thank you for reading oohmygod)


	13. Of course

_“Ah. I assumed that you would have shown me the door.” Caleb agreed. He paused and Essek could almost see how a thought formed behind his eyes. “I… I am not imposing on you, am I?”_

_“… Imposing? Right this moment?” Essek asked, an eyebrow raised. Had he given any indication that would make Caleb believe such a thing?_

_“Er, no, I meant, in general, I suppose.” Caleb explained. “Though, right now, as well.”_

_Essek looked him over, thrown off by the sudden change in Caleb’s demeanor. He had seemed very much at ease just moments ago. “I am not sure I understand.” Essek pointed out truthfully. “Are you referring to the favors?”_

_“No, I mean this… arrangement.”_

_That was even more confusing. “I have offered you this deal. I do not see how you could be overstaying your welcome by agreeing to it.”_

_“Ah, well, I suppose…” Caleb fumbled with the hems of his sleeves. He had finally loosened a string enough to gently tug on it. He didn’t appear to be at all satisfied with the response Essek had given. He momentarily abandoned the loose string to run a hand through his hair. Essek noted that he had not seen that particular nervous tick all evening. “What I mean is that I, ah, sprung this conversation on you today.”_

_“I could have turned you away had I not wanted it.” Essek reminded._

_“I guess. But after this afternoon… I worry I didn’t give you enough time to consider. Or perhaps, reconsider this.” Caleb explained and Essek felt like he was walking all around his actual meaning without ever directly addressing it._

_That left Essek in uncertainty. Should his nervous display that afternoon have changed his mind? That had nothing to do with what they were planning. Surely Caleb knew that. “I assure you that I have had plenty of time to think this through.” Essek realized that it sounded like a jab for the Nein being inconveniently absent for a few days. Caleb didn’t seem fazed by it, however._

_“Ah, yes, but…” Caleb pressed his lips together. He was staring at his knees and his fingers were pulling at the string as if trying to unravel the sleeve it was attached to. “I…” He started again. But then he sighed. Whatever words he was looking for, he apparently couldn’t find them. Or he’d found them but now didn’t want to share them with Essek, after all._

_The shift in conversation was both puzzling and displeasing. Worst of all was that Essek didn’t know what had prompted it, other than perhaps something unknown to him in Caleb’s thoughts. Where Caleb had seemed very content with what they had been discussing mere moments ago he was now restless and uneasy. Like he’d changed his mind. Like he wanted an out. Essek sighed. “If you have no interest in this, after all and are seeking for a way to end this conversation-“_

_“No, no, no!” Caleb looked up, meeting Essek’s eyes, hands raised in defense. “I promise, that is absolutely not what I meant. I just- I-“ And there it was again. That eternal search for words. “I don’t want to intrude. Or for you to think that I believe to have some, ah, claim to your time now. I would hate for you to feel as though you had to… always accommodate me because of this agreement.”_

_That made sense, Essek supposed. If he was finally understanding Caleb right, that was. He, too, would hate to unknowingly be a nuisance. “You need not worry about that. I have no intention of letting this compromise my work or my duties.” He assured. “And I have no issue turning you away if I don’t have time for you. I will not favor or prioritize you. Such is the nature of our bubble. You really have no reason to worry about that.” He promised._

-

The days, somehow, went by in a dreadful crawl and in a hasted sprint at the same time.

Essek didn’t like it. And, truly, as someone who was quite capable of dealing with time, he found it almost offensive that his perception of it seemed to betray him. He would be occupied with a task, finding the minutes dragging on at an hour’s pace, but when he considered the day at the end of it, he felt like it had happened entirely without him. It was uncomfortable to feel like something was taking forever and over in a blink at the same time.

And that discomfort did not even account for the distractions.

Any thoughts about Caleb were actively banished from his mind. Or, that was the goal. The degree of success Essek achieved in this endeavor varied from moment to moment, sometimes dependent on whatever he was attempting to focus on. But for the most part, whenever he’d start to consider him in any way or encounter something that may trigger such distractions, he would will his consciousness away, clinging to absolutely anything else that might keep his ever-active mind busy. There were several far more urgent matters to contemplate, after all. Matters, that, unlike the one his mind kept trying to indulge in, actually carried some importance.

A little something unnamed protested within Essek whenever he thought of it that way. Whenever he labeled Caleb nothing more than a distraction, hoping that would be enough to disregard him completely. It was never enough. It just made him feel oddly guilty about mentally reducing an objectively fascinating person in such a manner.

The only times Essek had to completely surrender to his almost overactive mind was at night, when his eyes closed and he tried to settle into a comfortable trance. With nothing to truly distract him, no stimuli to focus on, the intrusive thoughts easily took over. And Essek would find himself contemplating things that he knew he shouldn’t. Things that would only fuel this possessiveness he’d identified. He’d think about what he could teach Caleb next, about whether Caleb would maybe share more about himself. And he lingered far more often on the trading of words than that of physical favors.

Eventually, this involuntary indulgence always created an uneasy feeling in Essek’s chest as it reminded him that he was alone in his bed, trying to trance. And that it would continue to be this way for, at least, his foreseeable future.

When he reached that upsetting conclusion, he’d chide himself and start to recount sigils and magic circles in his mind until he could finally find enough peace to rest.

-

Essek rose from his trance.

And the first clear, fully conscious and comprehensible thought that came to him already told him that it would be quite difficult to ignore his mental intrusions that day.

It was the day he was supposed to pick up Caleb’s collar.

His collar for Caleb?

The collar that Caleb would be wearing?

Essek groaned at his own insistence on re-spinning the words until they fit.

There were, of course, other matters for him to tend to that day. Several tasks for the Bright Queen that he would, at the very least, have to get started on. As well as an important correspondence that he’d been avoiding.

But as he rose from his bed, all Essek could think about was retrieving that collar.

He felt as though he should just be delighted to imagine Caleb in it. But it was more complicated than that. Because simplicity was not a welcome concept to Essek’s life, he supposed. Not that he made a point of inviting it.

Instead of simply thinking of Caleb being collared, smiling about it and moving on, he started to worry. About what Caleb would think, about whether his indications to want one had been truthful. Essek hadn’t even seem the damn thing and yet, it was already a major cause for concern. Already, he feared that it would be an explosive dropped on their arrangement.

It wasn’t anything. Nothing of importance. It was decorative. Essek knew this. So Caleb had to, as well.

But perhaps he did not think so? Perhaps he thought of it as more than that?

Foolish. A stupid, foolish thought.

Essek sighed at his inability to control where his mind wandered that morning. It was better to set out early and retrieve the item so that he could call that errand done and move onto other things. He began to prepare himself to head out.

-

As he made his way through the streets of Rosohna, Essek felt giddiness tingling in his body. Though it hadn’t been on the forefront of his mind those past couple of days, he had thought about when he’d finally have the collar in his hands, occasionally. He was a very patient individual, so the wait had been easy. But nonetheless, now that it was within his reach, he couldn’t help but be a little excited. This excitement was still unhindered by regret, something Essek still hadn’t been able to find in himself for the choice he’d made. That was fine. It was one fewer mistake to carry around.

It was still relatively early, but the citizens of Rosohna were already going about their business. Essek felt the excitement die down as an uneasy clump formed in his gut the closer he got to his destination. The interaction with the Den representative came to his mind. It had been a few days and he had not given it any further thought but it returned to him just then. How utterly surprised he’d been to be addressed.

Considering it, Essek had no idea why they would have met there at all unless she had been running an errand of her own. Her Den was nowhere near the marketplace, either. And from what Essek could tell they did not frequent that part of the city, the same way he did not. So perhaps she had acquired something specific, as well. Essek hoped so. The alternative was far more unsettling.

‘Are you visiting someone?‘

That was what she had asked. But… this part of the city was not residential. Not at all. It was mercantile in nature. Unless she meant to indicate that he was paying a private visit to a local merchant, her question made little sense. And even if that had been her meaning, it had been an odd phrasing and an odd first conclusion to jump to. In the moment Essek had brushed it off as he’d focused all his energy on leaving the conversation as quickly as possible. But now, as he floated in the direction of the marketplace, taking his time to consider it, he thought it odd. As a Den representative she was more than familiar with the layout and districts of Rosohna. So perhaps, there had been a veiled meaning. About visits. _What if she knew?_

But then, why had she not yet said anything? Or used her knowledge against Essek. Perhaps she only had a hunch and was trying to validate that Essek was up to something. After all, what was a claim without evidence? It would be unwise of her to show her cards before the winning hand was complete.

Tendrils of dread slithered into Essek’s stomach, wrapping themselves around the uneasy clump. It was entirely possible that it had not been a chance meeting. Essek glanced over his shoulder, trying his best to be casual about the motion. But there was only so much subtlety someone could practice when looking around.

He could not make out anyone suspicious.

He considered going home. He still had a couple of days left until the item would be put on display in the store. But, upon commissioning it, he’d claimed to pick it up on that specific day. Maybe the shopkeeper would take that as permission to put it out for sale if Essek did not show up. Essek couldn’t know how reputable this person was. It’s not like they had come as a recommendation.

Essek couldn’t help it, he pictured someone finding it and somehow reading way too much, but way too correctly into the design of it.

Gods. What if it was one of the Mighty Nein? What if one of them had gotten a pet and were looking for an item just of that nature? Jester came to Essek’s mind. Visiting exactly that store at the hands of a fate’s whim. And at the same time, by the desire of Essek’s misfortune. She’d look at it, pick it up, turn to Caleb and-

Essek shook his head. He had not been that obvious in his requests. It was not as though he had asked for a name to be branded or sewn onto it. They would not know. But then again, the Nein had a knack for picking up on the strangest of details so he could not be sure. And even if not, Essek wasn’t sure he could ever have a calm trance again knowing that this piece of evidence was out there, somewhere, with someone and he had no idea where or how and no control over what happened to it.

He had to keep going. Be subtle. Hope that the shadow of paranoia was as unwarranted as it usually was.

He made the decision to slip into his disguise spell sooner than last time, selecting a different deserted spot to cast. Less time spent in the exterior of the Shadowhand meant less time in which he could be ambushed by anyone wishing to speak to him. And less time during which someone could pick up his trail and follow him.

-

He emerged from the leatherworker’s store a little while later, holding tightly onto a flat wooden box. He had been glad to find that the shopkeeper had fulfilled that particular request. It allowed him to walk around with his true purchase obscured. He’d only given the item a brief glance, trying not to get too flustered immediately, before paying what he still had to and bolting with quick utterances of ‘great work’ and ‘good service’ and ‘definitely will be coming back’. He was fully aware that it had been terribly suspicious but anxiety had crept into his throat and the store had felt suffocating and so he’d absconded. He had not felt that strongly about leaving a location since his last meeting with the Martinet.

He pushed through the crowd of the marketplace, trying to strike a balance between not bumping into too many people and getting through as quickly as he could.

He was able to get through the crowd and leave the marketplace behind, clinging to that wooden box as though his life depended on it. He soon slipped into another alleyway. After ensuring he was unobserved, he dropped his spell. He exhaled a quiet sigh of relief. He looked down at the box. It was a small wooden thing, crafted with a smooth surface, pleasant to the touch. The goblin must have purchased it specifically for his request, or perhaps they had had it on hand – not that Essek cared, either way. There was nothing suspicious about the box. It was probably mildly strange that he wished to carry around his purchase in it, but the shopkeeper had said nothing, seemingly just grateful for the extra coin.

A leather strap was looped around it to keep it from opening accidentally since it had no other locking mechanisms. As he looked at the precaution, Essek could not help but feel like the salesperson must have known. About the true purpose. It seemed too obvious. But he tried not to worry about that. He’d been in disguise for exactly that reason, after all.

Now he just had to get home. Fortunately, he had been able to plan somewhat for this. Shifting to carry the box with one hand, he flicked his wrist, willing his spellbook into existence on this plane. He slipped it into a sizeable bag at his hip. He then made the box disappear into the pocket plane instead. Like this, there was no way for anyone to spot it. Or, if it was someone who knew him, to even ask him about it. And though Essek told lies that would make the gods second-guess, he didn’t quite trust himself to be as suave with anything that concerned a certain lover of his. It was a dangerous and worrying thought, that.

He took a deep breath before emerging from his hiding spot onto the street. He was glad to find it relatively empty. He assumed his usual posture, straight back, chin up and eyes straight ahead, and started his hopefully quick journey home. After a few feet he had to fight the urge to glance over his shoulder. With every second that passed and the space behind him remained unchecked, that desire only grew.

He tried to distract himself. Act like he belonged, like he was just anybody out there on a trivial errand. He thought about the remainder of his day. Fortunately, he could spend it in his towers. He’d been tasked with researching magical means of area protection. ‘Something like that alarm spell but stronger and bigger’ is what he’d been told and he’d tried, as nicely as was possible for him, to point out that one couldn’t simply make a spell ‘stronger and bigger’ and that those were way too vague parameters to work with, anyway. That particular statement had not come from the Bright Queen, but the command had originated on her tongue, so Essek made sure to prioritize it. She would probably not mind if he got creative with it, perhaps lean on the magic used in the Dungeon of-

_What was the Dusk Captain doing out?_

Essek froze as he saw her and a group of guards – and he thought that maybe there had to be a term for a group of guards – turn the corner onto the street. He caught himself in his surprise, forced his face into something neutral and continued on his way. He was not doing anything forbidden. Uncharacteristic? Yes. But not forbidden. He had no reason to go stiff. He met her eyes as she caught sight of him.

“Shadowhand.” She greeted.

“Dusk Captain.” He answered and gave a small bow of the head.

“I did not expect to find you here.” She pointed out.

_No one ever does._ If people who were lucky were in the light of the Luxon, then Essek had to be in his deepest darkest corner. Not that that location would surprise him if the entity was, in fact, real. He hadn’t exactly done a lot to gain his favor. “Neither I you.” Essek responded honestly and politely. “I was running an errand.” He decided to add, hoping it might speed up this conversation and allow him to continue on.

“I see.” She mustered him, but didn’t demand any further details. Quana Kryn had wary eyes and they seemed to grow no less wary when focused on Essek. Really, he’d commend her for her fitting doubts, if they weren’t so terribly inconvenient for him. He could not recall ever giving her a proper reason to regard him with such suspicion. Aside from his relative youth, people at court had mostly failed to find a flaw in him. Well, in his persona, at least.

Essek glanced at the entourage behind her. He couldn’t help but wonder about their sheer number. He weighed his options. It probably would not seem odd for the Shadowhand to want to know about them. “Are there new safety concerns that I should be aware of?”

She looked him over again. Essek felt like she could see through his mantle and find his spellbook oddly tucked to his side. Or like, if she looked long enough, she’d be able to see into his pocket plane. Though, really, her finding out about his dalliances and deviancies might just distract her from the things she was really looking to find. So long as she never knew whom he was dallying with. “No new revelations.” She said briefly. “Nothing since you last attended court, Shadowhand.”

The remark was laced with something but Essek couldn’t quite make out what so he ignored it. He gave a small nod. “Very well. I shall return to my work, if I am not expected at the Bastion today?”

“Not to my knowledge.” She replied. “Though, of course, if the need for your presence arises, there will be a summons. As usual.”

“Yes, of course.” Essek gave a nod.

The Dusk Captain looked him over one final time. “I hope the light is with you, Shadowhand.” She said and began to walk past him, guards in tow.

Essek bristled at the odd phrasing. “… With you as well, Dusk Captain.” He quickened his pace somewhat after that.

Quana Kryn was one of the people whom Essek found likely to be the last person he’d ever lay eyes on, should his crimes ever come to light.

-

Hearing the sound of the doors shutting behind him was immensely satisfying and relieving. Although this particular trip had been no one’s doing but his own, Essek was glad to be done with it. There was a very good reason that his work did not require him to mingle with the people of Rosohna a lot.

Sometimes he’d prefer to not leave his home at all. He missed the days when he’d spend all his available hours alone, focused on a research project and not leaving the building until he was done.

Though, if he was being honest, that had not been all good, either. Those sessions had always eventually brought an intense feeling of isolation upon him. When he’d realized just how long he’d been absent from the outside world and everyday life without someone so much as sending a message to see whether he, at the very least, was still drawing in breath.

But if he were to have another intense research project of the kind, maybe he would not have to do it alone. If he asked Caleb, surely he’d be met with-

He shook his head. He worked well alone. Better than with company. Other arcanists would only cause trouble and distractions and he hadn’t the time or nerve for either. There was only one reason he tolerated the presence of that particular one. And it had nothing to do with studies. Essek flicked his wrist and the box appeared in his hands. His fingers itched to open it so that he could marvel at the piece.

He swallowed. He wouldn’t. That would only provoke his mind to wander again.

He would simply put it- where would he put it? It had never really occurred to him that this particular object needed a location within his home. Considering that him and Caleb, more than once at that point, had started a scene in a different room than his bed chamber, placing it there to retrieve each time felt… inconvenient. Yes, he could make Caleb take off his clothes while he went to fetch it each time but that would become very old very quickly. Or… it could be their little ritual?

Maybe he just shouldn’t let them do anything outside of his bedroom anymore. Where he had everything he could want to use at his fingertips. But then… the desk, the reading, the location by the hearth, all of that had been _fun._

He wouldn’t collar Caleb upon entry to his home, right? It would be strange if he wore it for a study session. At the very least it would be very distracting for Essek if he did.

So it had to be wherever they started. Which could be anywhere. Perhaps Essek should make a second pocket plane- Too far. He was going too far.

He sighed. Holding the box with one hand, he took out his spellbook with the other and placed it back into its plane. He hadn’t the time to get hung up on this particular subject. He had to start delivering results on any one of his tasks. Especially after telling the Dusk Captain that he was headed home to work. A lack of results might raise eyebrows and he’d rather keep those down. Now, with the tension pressing on him and Rosohna and the Bastion from several sides, he had to be more flawless than ever in the execution of his tasks.

Seeking to solve the problem of where to put the box permanently later, Essek decided to drop it off in his study, planting it on the edge of his desk. That way he wouldn’t forget where it was and that he had to deal with it, at least. As he set the box down, he stole a glance over to the shelf where the book that didn’t belong to Caleb was tucked away. That and its older predecessor. He wondered whether Caleb would still prefer reading the one with annotations. He hadn’t seemed terribly disappointed about being given the new copy last time, but then, he’d seemed delighted to read Essek’s old notes…

He pushed the thoughts away. With one last glance at the box, he left the room.

-

It was hours later when he returned to it.

He’d been caught up in feverish spellwork his laboratory. He felt that, all things considered, he was making solid progress. It would probably still take a long time before he had anything usable, but at least he could honestly say that he was working on it and give some insights into what the final result might look like.

Though he would have much preferred to continue, there was another task waiting for him. One that, at least for that moment, took priority.

As he entered the room, his eyes found the box sitting there expectantly. He still didn’t know where to put it. Maybe he could take the Dunamancy book and put them- Caleb was not getting his own drawer in Essek’s home. There was no point in that, anyway. They were extremely different things with extremely different purposes.

It didn’t matter just then. He had something important to tend to. He sat at his desk, took the box and put it into one of his larger drawers for the time being. This way he couldn’t be drawn to look at it time and time again.

He then produced an empty sheet of parchment and a quill from his desk. He had not sent back a reply to his Empire partners, yet. He always took a couple of days to do so after receiving a message. It was a precaution. He hoped to make it harder to trace their correspondences if a random number of days were in between each message. It was important not to establish a pattern. Selecting random days, times and delivery methods instead.

Essek was meticulous. It was one of his greatest strengths. And surely one of the reasons his co-conspirators had chosen to trust him with their collaboration in the first place. Well. That. And he’d held the keys to unspeakable knowledge in his hands when all of it had begun.

But with this particular response, Essek felt that his secrecy and care were not the only reasons he’d held off on working on it. He’d ignored it several times in spite of his usual efficiency and reliability.

Essek stared at the empty parchment. He picked up the quill. He halted. His body was tense and he thought he would begin writing any second. But he was at a loss for words. The message he’d received days prior had asked him about his thoughts on the Mighty Nein. On what was to be done about them since they had proved quite meddlesome already. Ever since that one fate-bearing day in the Lucid Bastion, when Essek had finally found out where that one Beacon his partners had reported missing had gone, this unpredictable group of misfits had been a recurring topic. Ever since, trying to account for them was near impossible due to the absolute madness that was their modus operandi.

Just when Essek thought he might have a good estimate of what they’d do or say next they’d catch him off guard.

He continued to stare at the empty letter as though the words would manifest by themselves if he just waited long enough.

He tried to put the quill onto the parchment. Will it to formulate words. But what would he write? He’d have to at least mention them. Had to bring up these people that called him a friend to his co-conspirators. He would have been able to avoid it had the Martinet not asked about them specifically. Ignoring that particular thread of conversation would be a grave mistake. It would make them more suspicious of him. So what was he to say? Classifying them as a threat to the operation would surely be a death sentence. But calling them insignificant would make him appear foolish after they had unwittingly delivered evidence to counter that claim.

Essek took a deep breath. He felt a headache coming on. He wanted to squirm, curl away from the task and hide. He didn’t leave things unfinished. Not usually. But that moment he wished for nothing more than some path around this letter to become apparent to him.

He was wasting precious time fretting over this. There were still whispers of some spy lingering around Rosohna. Whispers that it was his jobs to process or silence. It was reflecting poorly on him. There was the spell, one of many magic-related tasks. There was everything that was to be done in the Dungeon of Penance. There was a superfluous obnoxious meeting to attend. And then there was this. This Luxon-damned task right in front of him.

_And why, for the love of all scattered Beacons, was Caleb still on his mind?_ By all known logic, Essek should not have the mental capacity to cram him into his thoughts with everything else that was already there.

He bit his lip. Focus, just focus on this one, important thing. Write anything. Absolutely anything. Just get this out of the way. He lowered the tip of the quill and it met the parchment when-

“We found out some really dangerous, important things that we need to talk to you about. I know you don’t want to, but we could really use your help with transportation. This is life or death for a lot of people. It’s on your doorstep.”

Jester’s voice interrupted him. She must have used two Sendings in rapid succession. The quill halted and Essek felt a heaviness in his heart as he processed her words. Her usual jovial attitude was gone and replaced with somber concern. He squinted at the paper as he formulated a response. She was right, he did not want to use his powers for them time and time again. They were abusing his gifts and they knew it and he knew it too and it only made him question their relationship. Made him question whether maybe he should be honest in his letter. But the way she spoke tugged at that heavy feeling in his chest. The genuine fear and worry that emanated from her words.

He sighed. “Well. If it is indeed this important, then maybe it’s something we can discuss. I trust that your interests are forthright.” He paused and stared at a drop of ink as it fell onto the parchment. “I’ll need your help soon, anyway.”

-

Essek didn’t waste a minute to make his way over to the home of the Mighty Nein. The travel was brief as the distance was short, but he’d set out immediately, anyway, ignoring how an empty piece of parchment was watching him as he left his study.

A quick knock on the door confirmed his suspicions that they were, indeed, not home. They were probably arriving in the Lucid Bastion that moment to head over to his location. So Essek stayed put. His mind lingered on the abandoned letter in his study. His thoughts seemingly hellsbent on formulating a response right then and there. He sighed and looked around, trying to find something to distract himself with. As he lingered, he began feeling awkward. He tried not to look like it but he could feel himself failing. He looked at the house, but thought it would appear odd for him to be staring at it like that. He tried to let his gaze wander around idly but stopped when he accidentally made eye contact with a stranger. He ended up just sort of looking at the ground beside him which felt insanely pathetic.

They must have been held up by something. Perhaps he should not have assumed that they would come straight home. It could have been a mistake on his part. He crossed his arms.

As he thought about their arrival, he realized, as though it had not been clear, that he’d see Caleb again. He’d known this, of course. But somehow it felt like a special realization nonetheless. And he suddenly became even more aware of how awkwardly he was loitering in front of their home.

He started to wonder what Caleb would be wearing. His more Xhorhassian attire that Essek was quite partial to or perhaps his more travel-worn coat? It had been some days so his facial hair may have grown back. He wondered whether Caleb would look at him with a specific gaze, with something just for him. Would he look like they had just been in battle or would be look more refined? Jester had indicated a sense of urgency, so he probably would not-

Essek cursed himself. He was doing it again.

Just then, he heard the unusual though not unknown sound of hooves on stone and he looked up.

Well, he certainly had not expected him to be on horseback.

-

They talked at him for much longer than he deemed necessary. It was grating on him, somewhat, and he couldn’t pinpoint the reason for it. He knew they weren’t to blame, not really, it just appeared to be very important to them to get to where they needed to go. But he wished they would just tell him where to without trying to further convince him – he had already agreed, after all – so that he could do them this favor and be done with it. Being done with it would have the added benefit of being able to stop stealing obsessive little glances at his secret. It was a good-looking secret, at least. One with delightful quips and carefully selected words. Essek’s chest felt warm.

He tried to ignore it.

Being done with this service of transportation also meant going home to write a letter that might be a detriment to them all. He tried to ignore that thought, as well. But it was persistent.

He was glad when they finally seemed ready to go. And he pretended that his eyes didn’t linger on Caleb as he raised his hands to cast the spell.

Essek was relieved that the Teleport completed without any problems. There was always at least a slight chance of a mishap.

He looked briefly around the Lotusden Greenwood, giving it a glance, memorizing at least a quick impression of it. But he felt his tasks calling him. And he felt the dire need to get away from Caleb lest he start to stare at him. Yet, the idea of abandoning him just like that, without anything further exchanged, pained him. It was a strange feeling, wanting someone close and gone at the same time. It was a conflicting sensation that Essek wanted to escape from and, simultaneously, give himself to. He began drawing his Teleportation Circle. He felt like that knocking was back in his mind, louder this time.

A part of him wanted to call his secret lover over, then, to point out the runes of the Lucid Bastion circle and then have him watch how he stepped into the functioning spell to disappear. It’d pique Caleb’s curiosity, at least, to know why he’d gotten those runes wrong.

Essek shook his head. Stupid, silly, unnecessary thought. Caleb’s curiosity and amazement did not belong to him. He had no right to try and evoke those emotions. He had no right to linger on him either, or to think about what he wore or what he said and how he said it. Essek felt a tight knot in his chest.

“Hey, Essek!”

_What else could they possibly want from him?_

-

Essek’s forearm felt as though it was on fire.

He denied himself the urge to rub it as he floated off the Teleportation Circle beneath the Lucid Bastion. It wasn’t a wound. Touching it would do nothing.

He began to head out.

He couldn’t quite place what had made him yank away from Caleb the way he had. The touch had sent a bolt through his very being. A sensation of something wanted and unwanted, pleasant and unpleasant all at the same time. It was a yes and no, a hot and cold, it was something he wanted but knew he should not all bundled into one soft touch.

Everything felt different. Suddenly. Like something that had been lurking was pouncing, something that had been crumbling was breaking, a bubble that had been growing was bursting.

He could feel his rapid pulse, his uneven breath. What brought on these emotions? This confusion? This fight inside of him? Had it been the blatant attempt at manipulating him? Or perhaps this difference in behavior – where Essek was trying desperately to maintain his cool, Caleb just flaunted his flirtation. Maybe it was just everything that rested on Essek’s shoulders with the weight of worlds that was finally pushing a bit too hard.

It was probably an unholy combination of all of those things.

Essek left the Lucid Bastion, ignoring everyone on the way out. At least he didn’t run into anyone whose opinion of him mattered.

And who was that anymore? Who even mattered?

Essek felt it. Something odd, something strange. It was settling in, expanding, growing with each moment that passed as he made his way home. He floated faster, maintaining his cold exterior as much as he could while he felt like his arm was blistering.

Something was falling apart. Piece by piece, carefully crafted walls in his head were starting to break. And he was terrified of what was behind them. Terrified like he didn’t know. Everything was being torn down by one confusing, terrible, wonderful touch. And wasn’t that utterly ridiculous? After everything they’d done before that? Touches and kisses and so much more that had not left him feeling like the world was turning inside out?

Essek entered his towers. He slammed the doors shut behind him. He tried to cling to his reclaimed solitude. But his head was loud and noisy, his thoughts were buzzing and screaming at him as he tried to understand and tried _not_ to understand. Feelings were stumbling and tripping over each other, but there was one that pierced through all of them. One awful little fact that made no sense. That made no sense for what his relationship with Caleb was. Or what it was supposed to be.

It hurt.

Thinking about Caleb using their arrangement like that. Manipulating him so openly. It stung when it should not have. It was a pain that had no right to be. Because, of course he would. That was the game. Those were the strings, the cards, the rules. Essek would do the same, had tried to do the same in the past. To manipulate and suggest and indicate. All veiled meanings and sly comments and looks that always had a hidden motive. That had been the beginning, the foundation of their relationship, so, really, what was he to expect?

He’d manipulated him and all of them into walking on the lines he was drawing. For them to follow the paths he indicated that would surely lead them far away from the truth. It should be normal. This was what he was good at. Being dishonest.

But the more he lingered on that thought, of the fakeness of it all, he felt a hollow, aching, shattering sensation in his ribcage. Like whatever excuse of a heart he had left was finally coming apart. Because he was tired of the lies and the games and he longed for something that wasn’t that. Something true and genuine. With them. With _him._

And he didn’t know what to do with that.

With these feelings that should not be.

That punishing sensation in his chest.

It was too much, it made no sense. He had no right. How was he supposed to shut this out? To ignore it and then turn around to write something that would inevitably hurt Caleb and the rest of the Nein?

And why couldn’t he? Why couldn’t he just condemn them? When they were so happy to abuse everything he gave them?

He couldn’t. He couldn’t look at this group who were sincere and genuine and honest and delightfully odd and hurt them. He couldn’t because he didn’t want to. He wouldn’t even dream of doing it. Not anymore. And why? Because they’d called him ‘friend’ and offered him smiles? Because they’d genuinely seemed to enjoy his presence? How _weak_? He was the _Shadowhand_.

And… Caleb? Throwing him to those wolves in Empire robes? To those people who were gods knew how close to whatever had carved scars into his arms and tears into his soul? Hells, who may have had their hands on the knife themselves? How could Essek? Ever, in a million years, in a million lifetimes, if he was granted them - when could he look into Caleb’s stupid beautiful keen eyes and then offer him up to people that were as bad as he was?

Essek sank to the floor. First to his feet. Then to his knees.

He felt like those walls in his head had been a dam holding back a flood wave that was now crushing him. He couldn’t get up. He was drowning.

Why did it hurt? Why, why, _why_? Why did this have to evoke any emotion at all in him?

There was no reason. It had been nothing. A moment. A misplaced hand. Just a fucking touch that sent his mind reeling. Just one touch that had suddenly torn something down that he’d built so carefully. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want any of it to matter, any of these thoughts and feelings, any of those people, especially not the one he thought about the most, but they _did._ All of it mattered _so fucking much_.

Because it wasn’t just a touch. It wasn’t just a pushy request.

Because it had never just been attraction, either, had it?

He’d always felt it. On some level. Had buried it as deep as he could.

It wasn’t just attraction. It hadn’t been just attraction since the first second Caleb opened his mouth and that beautiful, gorgeous, stupid mind had come to grace his ears with smart, meaningful words. And it wasn’t possessiveness, either. Or it was. Maybe. But that was just a small part. Essek felt stupid. So stupid. As foolish as he had never felt before. Because not everyone would linger on thoughts about Caleb, not everyone would stare at him, not everyone would want more of everything he gave – his company, his time, his words, his body, his thoughts, everything – not everybody would want _all of him._

No, it took a special kind of fool to long like that.

An absolutely damned idiot to crave what he craved, to think what he thought.

One that was slowly realizing that it was not the student or the lover or the friend that he craved but all of those things combined. All of those pieces that made up a whole.

Because a teacher didn’t want to touch and never let go.

Because a lover didn’t want to learn and never forget.

Because a friend didn’t want to stare and never look away.

Because none of those wanted everything. Like Essek did. And those damning words that he didn’t want to know, didn’t want to think but couldn’t deny anymore came to him.

Essek was falling in love.

Deeply. Fully. Honestly.

And the knocking stopped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just gonna leave it at that.
> 
> Thank you for your wonderful comments and kudos they are much appreciated <3


	14. Yes, of course

_Caleb paused for a moment, as though considering Essek’s words. “Good.” He finally replied. “That’s… good.” His tone didn’t give Essek a lot of confidence. It still didn’t seem as though the matter had been resolved._

_“You don’t seem too sure.” He pointed out, hoping that he wasn’t pushing too much. Whatever this sudden uneasiness in Caleb’s demeanor was, Essek wished to dispel it before it became root to something larger._

_Caleb tensed up further. He stared at his lap, as if not wanting to risk any more eye contact. It took him a moment to reply. “Your life here appears rather complex.” He started over._

_Essek raised an eyebrow at the change of topic. “There are several complicated components, yes.” He agreed, unsure of where this new string that Caleb was pursuing was going to lead._

_“I am trying to find out how to be- ah, nein.” He shook his head and gave it another shot. “How to avoid stumbling into any of those… components. I do not want to be a bothersome guest. You have said you will turn me away if I inconvenience you. And I do know, very well, I think, that there a lot of things that demand your undivided attention. I just wish to not unpleasantly interfere with any of that on accident..”_

_“Well, you seem fairly well equipped with manners and common sense, so I would not worry too much about causing me problems of that nature.”_

_Caleb gave a short, dry laugh at that and Essek felt like he’d made a joke without being privy to its meaning._

_“As long as you adhere to our discussed rules of privacy, I cannot imagine you interfering with any of my work.” Essek said honestly. “If you wish to see me, approach me at my home and I will tell you whether I have time for you or not. It is no more complex than that.” He paused. He didn’t want to give Caleb the wrong idea. “You are right, of course. Interested as I am in this arrangement and how it will develop, my profession, my Den and several other matters will always be a priority to me.”_

_“Ja, okay.” Caleb nodded. He’d become rather difficult to read over the last few minutes and Essek was absolutely not convinced that he had soothed whatever worry had become an issue. It appeared as though Caleb was clinging to some thought that could not be dealt with so swiftly. Not that Essek would have any idea how to do so, anyway. It was not even his place to try._

_He decided to give it a last ditch effort. “I want this arrangement, Caleb. We would not have had this conversation, otherwise. You mustn’t ever worry that you are overstaying your welcome. I will not allow that to happen.”_

_Caleb, finally, thankfully, met his eyes again. “Alright.”_

_Essek was still unsure whether he’d accomplished anything, at all._

-

Shadowhand Essek Thelyss had no feelings. Or, at least, so it had been whispered.

Essek didn’t carry enough care in his being to silence those whispers. He often felt them to be quite true, even. Aside from the ever-present curiosity, his emotions were about as tumultuous as a resting pond. He’d been taught better than to emote or to care.

But even if he were to nurture and express feelings, whom would he express them to? There were reasons for his solitude. And they weren’t exclusively because he was an unpalatable person.

His tasks demanded unfaltering flawlessness and absolute professionalism.

He delivered on that. Easily.

He never would have thought that the fragile, hollow little shells that were his emotions would ever become a true detriment to himself.

-

The realization was harrowing. It made Essek feel small. Vulnerable. _Fragile._

All those things that he could never afford to be.

The only silver lining was that this epiphany shut down the loud, chaotic thoughts that had piled upon his consciousness, allowing him to consider his feelings with a higher level of clarity.

He was falling in love with Caleb Widogast.

_Like a fool._

Kneeling there, on his floor – how pathetic – he searched his memories for that key moment, that one instance when he fell. When his heart opened itself to that change. But he couldn’t find it in one memory alone. It was a combination of several. Ever since Caleb had made a choice that had changed _everything_ , ever since those first words had left his lips, everything he did and said had been little embers of a growing fire.

The signs had been there all along, too. Essek had just missed, ignored or denied them all. The staring, the conversations, the admiration, the uncharacteristic leniency on his part, his interest in Caleb’s past, the worry he carried for him, … the list of evidence was long, each item designed to make Essek feel like a proper idiot. For not noticing sooner, for not stopping it sooner. For letting it happen, at all.

Tears were a new sensation, too. Lingering in the corners of Essek’s eyes.

In a twisted parody of humor he thought that, if he maybe had _not_ tied to ignore all the evidence, then maybe he would have been able to stop this emotional journey in its tracks. Stepping on a sapling was much easier than cutting down and uprooting a grown tree, after all.

But it was too late. The feelings were there. That tree already grown.

He was already overstepping and breaking an agreed-upon rule. And it was a stupid, silly, foolish and downright dangerous thing to do. Because, what on Exandria was he even going to do about this? What did this even mean?

He couldn’t ignore it. Not anymore. He’d tried and it had ended in this pitiful display. But he couldn’t act on his feelings, either. If he shared this with Caleb, he would think their bond compromised and possibly terminate the agreement and Essek was not sure what _that_ would reduce him to if a singular touch had sent him to his knees.

It would be a _weakness_ , even, to admit these feelings to someone who did not carry similar affections in his heart. And Essek was rather sure that Caleb did not reciprocate. Surely, if he did, he would have given some indication of it at that point. Then again, Essek hadn’t. Or, rather, he hadn’t done so knowingly. So, though he deemed it unlikely, there was at least a slim chance that Caleb fancied him. But until he volunteered such emotions, Essek was rather stuck simply not knowing. Which was a state of being that he loathed.

However, thinking about it, Essek supposed that there wouldn’t be much of a point in finding out Caleb’s feelings. It wasn’t as though anything could change, even if the infatuation happened to be mutual. A Shadowhand of Leylas Kryn courting a former Empire wizard belonging to a volatile group of mercenaries? It sounded like a recipe for disaster. And that would be discounting that such a revelation might send Essek’s mother to the Beacon in shock. He might get a bit of leeway to be romancing a ‘Hero of the Dynasty’, but even then his Queen was growing wary of the Nein. And they weren’t exactly building their relationship with her at the moment.

So he couldn’t ignore this emotion, couldn’t share it and couldn’t act on it.

What options did he have left?

Essek gritted his teeth at the knowledge that he’d just have to wait. And hope that, with time, these feelings would wane and wither. He’d keep quiet. Wait it out. Try to not let it show that he cared for his lover in any meaningful way.

The stinging sensation he’d been trying to cope with was joined by a new one. A festering, aching hollowness at the realization that this love, that he now felt, could never go anywhere. Should not exist in the first place, even. The universe was pulling a prank on him. It offered him the warmth he’d been craving for decades when he’d finally found himself fine without it – Only to then let it run icy cold with the realization that it was something that was best left to die. Something that could never bring him joy and comfort.

He had to stop. Stop thinking about all of this.

He was a highly respected person in an extremely demanding position. He dealt with high stakes and rising tension on a daily basis. He had no time to kneel on the ground and weep like a pathetic lovesick fool.

He wiped away the dampness from his eyes and got up. Just another, albeit unconventional, bump in the road. Another obstacle. He’d overcome enough of those in his life already. He would not let this one become a detriment.

Part of Essek was glad that the Mighty Nein were gone. Though he would be relieved to see them return eventually, this distance would give him at least a couple of days to contemplate his predicament and sort out these unwanted feelings. He could get over this emotional wave and suffocate that flame, begin to chop down that tree, as much as he could. Maybe by the time they were back he will have steeled himself enough for this to not be a problem.

He avoided his study for the rest of his waking hours.

-

Blessedly, he was left uninterrupted for the remainder of the day.

He spent it his laboratory. Once he tired of spellwork, he focused his research on other Shadowhand-related pursuits. There were more than enough tasks to thoroughly occupy him. It proved tough, though not surprising, for him to focus. He refused to call it a breakdown, but whatever he’d had had left him shaken. His emotions were bothersome, tugging at his heart every which way. He almost found his work to be a distraction from the hollow pain inside of him rather than the other way around.

He stayed up longer than usual, knowing that his books were the only things between him and more troublesome thoughts and pain. As the hours passed, he could feel his work becoming less refined and he knew he’d have to do much of it over again. But he didn’t care. As long as he was making headway, at all, and he could focus on anything but pain and regret, it would be fine.

Eventually, he found it hard to focus on the words as they swam in his vision. It was then that he knew that he could push back his trance no further. So he left his research, headed to his bed chamber and, after going through his routine, laid down in bed.

He stared at the ceiling. He heard nothing but his own quiet breathing. And the solitude around him, the emotions he’d been smothering with moderate success, took free reign over his consciousness. The emptiness in his chest returned, like a part of him was absent. He turned to look at the unoccupied half of his bed. He longed for nothing more than for Caleb to be looking back at him. For them to get close so that Essek could draw more patterns on Caleb’s back. They could talk and Essek could learn all about him. He would take Caleb’s hand and hold it tightly and Caleb would shoot him a confused look. Essek would take the opportunity and give him a kiss, just a gentle one, the way he hadn’t when he’d last had that chance. Essek would ask Caleb to stay the night just to be close and together and Caleb would say yes and that would be that. And maybe, if he felt bold, in the quiet lightless hours of the night, Essek would mutter an admission and Caleb would grant him a part of himself that stayed beyond that night, forever.

But the other half of the bed was empty. And Essek only felt his tears when a sob escaped him.

-

His alarm spell ripped him out of his trance.

Essek shot up and immediately felt the hours he hadn’t rested much more than those he had. It was the middle of the night. Ignoring the strong desire to curl up in his sheets again, Essek rose from his bed. Someone was approaching his home and, at this time of night, it was either an unlawful intruder or someone bearing very urgent and very serious news. Neither option left Essek wanting to be caught half-trancing in bed.

He got dressed quickly and heard the knocker sound just as he put on his mantle. Something official, then. Pity. Part of him would have much rather dealt with an overconfident thief. Essek tried to get his appearance in order in a rush, hoping the lack of time didn’t show, before heading to the door. He stepped into his levitation mid-stair. He unlocked the arcane and mundane locks before opening the front door.

Two guards. He felt dread.

“Hello. With what may I help you at this hour?” Essek tried to find the calmness in his voice but it appeared to have gone missing somewhere between his rude awakening and his hasted approach.

“Apologies for the disturbance.” The guards gave a light bow of the head. “You are being summoned to court, Shadowhand.”

“Right this moment?” Essek asked. Of course it was right then but he was stalling for time, beginning to go through contingency plans in his head. A pang of fear hit him. He would not be able to Teleport away in case of emergency. He’d used all of his power of that nature for the Nein. He pressed his lips together. “May I ask what this terribly urgent matter is?”

“There has been an incident.” The guard who had spoken before replied. “Nothing else is to be said for fear of listening ears.”

Very reasonable, Essek wouldn’t have ordered it any other way, either. “Very well. Let us go.” He stepped out of his home and closed his doors. He was suddenly extremely glad that Caleb wasn’t around to be dragged into any of this.

-

“How did this happen?” The Bright Queen asked, barely controlled anger brewing in her voice.

“It appears that the recent sightings of a possible intruder were real.” The Dusk Captain responded and Essek didn’t miss the glance directed at him. “We assume that they were scouting the locations those past few nights in preparation for tonight’s break-in.”

“And they simply escaped?” The Queen pressed.

“Two of the guards claim to have almost apprehended them. But they have managed a very narrow escape, yes.” The Dusk Captain explained. “Unfortunately, it seems that the guards did not see enough of the intruder to provide an accurate description of their appearance. Though they say the intruder was Drow.”

Some murmurs rippled through the room and Essek could have sworn that someone said the word ‘treason’ right by his ear.

The Dusk Captain let her gaze sweep over the attendees. “We suspect a disguise, most likely magical.”

The Queen had her eye trained on her partner until someone entered the room with a bow to slip to her side and whisper something into her ear. “… Curios.” She concluded as the person stepped away again. “It appears that the only thing taken was intelligence. Records of the Beacons that were stolen from us.”

Essek’s throat closed up, he felt his muscles turning to stone. His fingernails were digging into his palms though his mantle concealed it.

“My Shadowhand.” The Queen addressed him. “Have there been any reports as to who may be after information of this nature?”

Essek made a show of appearing in thought while his heart pounded away in his chest. He did not know who, specifically, but several institutions came to mind which, once they had caught the right trail, may eventually pursue those records. “There have been no specific reports by the Lens but it would align with the interests of some Empire institutions of my knowledge. I will have some operatives see to it that this information is traced immediately.”

“Make it a priority. We must find out why this information was retrieved and by whom.” The Bright Queen continued to look at him. He wished he could just sink into his mantle and disappear. “You frequent the archives, do you know why those specific records may bear importance to an outsider?”

Yes, he knew. Those documents, when read correctly, were evidence that the Beacons had not been stolen but given away. “No more than you, my Queen. I apologize.”

“That is unfortunate.” The Queen replied and finally turned her searing gaze away. Essek could feel that the Dusk Captain’s eyes were still on him. “I fear we cannot be certain that they will not return for more dire actions. Dusk Captain, please increase security accordingly. I will not see an assassination following this break-in.”

“Of course, my Queen.”

“I would also like to see our foreign visitors heavily surveilled until further notice.” She continued.

“The mercenaries known as the Mighty Nein are not in Rosohna at this time.” Essek pointed out. “I have aided them in their travel to the Lotusden Greenwood just today.” Perhaps it was risky to bring up what might have been seen as a defense of theirs, but he had to contribute _something_ to this discussion.

“They have returned via Teleportation Circle.” The Queen told him. “We will have someone Scry on their house. Unless you deem it unwise, Shadowhand?”

“Not at all, my Queen.” Essek tried to remain neutral as he felt his mistake burn in his mind. “I had merely not been informed of their return.”

“Very well, then. I believe that is all for now. We will reconvene.” The Bright Queen announced. “Light be with you all.”

The attendees bowed their head as the Queen stepped away.

-

It was unnerving to know that someone was right outside his home. Just standing there. It bothered Essek. But there hadn’t been much for him to say to oppose the Dusk Captain’s order that everyone in the Bright Queen’s inner circle was to be guarded. He supposed he should consider himself lucky that these guards didn’t see it necessary to follow him into his home and stare at him as he worked.

He had managed to cram in a bit more of trancing after coming home. Not a lot though, as there was much to do. Directing the Lens to pursue this thief immediately was his priority. Not just professionally, but personally.

Then there was spellwork, a letter to be written, there was still that Angel of Irons cult… there were a lot of open books, so to speak.

Essek had to return to the Bastion soon to speak to some people that hadn’t been there in the middle of the night. Until then he occupied himself with research. He looked into replicating the warding of the Dungeon of Penance. With the incident, he couldn’t imagine the Queen having much patience left. Not that he blamed her.

Given the recent developments, it would not be bad for Essek to know as much as he could about manipulating the dungeon’s warding, anyway…

Specifically from inside.

-

A few hours later Essek headed to his front doors to leave for the Lucid Bastion. He mentally went over the people he’d have to talk to. He hoped he wouldn’t run into any of the Nein. He had not had the time to sufficiently deal with his thoughts. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to suppress them enough to give a pleasant smile when everything inside him screamed.

He was approaching the doors when he heard his alarm go off. He was tiring of the sound; it had become very repetitive recently. Perhaps his guards were being switched? He decided to wait for a moment anyway. He’d rather answer a knock than open the door to awkwardly interface with someone who was trying to catch him while he was trying to leave.

“Guten Morgen, Essek.” The sudden voice in his head made him flinch. It took him no time at all to recognize its speaker. His heart jumped and he thought it might burst out of his chest to abandon him. “I apologize for this intrusion. I believe the spell has found its target, at least, ja?”

Essek realized that the pause was meant for him to answer. He swallowed. “Hello, Caleb. Yes, you have reached me successfully.” He felt his surprisingly still present heart hammering in his chest, as though knowing the name of the feeling he experienced gave it new vigor to thrum away. “Is there anything you require of me?”

“Ah, well, I hoped to come see you, but I noticed the guards outside your door. Should I worry?”

Essek sighed. He’d known he had a reason to despise- Caleb would _worry_? “There is no need.” Essek was grateful that Caleb couldn’t see him for once, it allowed him to emote recklessly. “They are a precaution. But I appreciate your care.” He should really tell him to leave. Essek had things to do. But now that he’d heard the voice he longed for more. To see his lover, his other, the object of his affections. He knew he was being a fool again. “What is it that you sought me out for, then?”

The pause was heavy.

It grew into two pauses. Essek thought that maybe someone had found Caleb and asked what he was doing.

Another moment and Essek started approaching his door to see what was going on outside.

“I, er, hoped that, ah- I am sorry, I am trying not to be overheard too much.”

Essek halted. “Did you come for a tryst?” Essek asked, cursing his own bluntness as soon as the words left his lips. He felt his cheeks heating up.

“… Ja… That, I did.”

Essek hesitated but he felt the chance to respond fading, leaving him no time to think. “Do you have the means to come in unnoticed?” Part of him resented the invitation he made. But that part was buried by giddy anticipation bubbling in his chest.

“I have the means. Could you perhaps open any window? And turn off any warding, if you have it… I would, ah, prefer to enter in one piece.”

“Of course. I will open the bedroom window. I trust you will be able to locate it?” Essek asked.

“Ja, I will be there in a moment.”

Essek turned and headed to his bed chamber. His heart continued to pound like a war drum. He noticed all the little signs in his body he’d missed before. The fidgeting under his mantle, his breath changing, the heat in his cheeks and his chest. He reached the room, dispelled the warding on one of the windows and opened it. He and lit the candles in the room a swift hand motion. He looked around. Everything was as he ordinarily kept it. Should he have prepared something? Maybe he should have retrieved the collar…

Just as he was contemplating this, he heard what sounded like the flapping of small wings and he turned to see a small reddish-brown bird fly through the window. Before he had a chance to question it, its form expanded and morphed and within split seconds, Caleb stood in his room. His other was there again.

“Polymorph.” Was all Essek managed to get out as he looked him over. He’d known he’d missed him though they had been apart for less than a day. But he hadn’t realized just how intense that feeling had been until Caleb stood there, looking at him.

“Ja.” Caleb nodded. “Polymorph. I am a Transmutation wizard, after all.” He offered a small smile.

“Right, you are.” Looking him over, Essek noticed the tiredness in him. It appeared more prominent than usual. Whatever the Nein had tried in the Lotusden, it had apparently not gone according to plan. Perhaps that was why Caleb had sought him out. To alleviate some frustration.

“The guards, if I may ask-“

“They are protecting my home and my person.” Essek replied. “There has been an incident and the Dusk Captain thought it prudent to provide some further protection for the high-ranking members of the Bright Queen’s court.”

There was acknowledgement in Caleb’s eyes. And Essek wondered where he was tucking away that information. “Understood. I apologize for contacting you like this, I thought it better for them not to see me if our arrangement should remain secret.”

“No need to apologize, I wholeheartedly agree with your assessment. With tensions this high, a visit of yours may have been thoroughly scrutinized.” Essek tried to remain perfectly collected and neutral as his eyes hung on Caleb’s lips and his heart wished for nothing more than to eliminate all the distances in between them.

“I am not keeping you from something important, am I?” Caleb asked. “Well, no doubt I am keeping you from _something._ ”

“I would have sent you away had I been pressed for time.” Essek assured, knowing that it was a lie. But how could he send Caleb away when the thought alone was painful? He knew he was being stupid. He _knew_ it. And he wished it were easier for him to act accordingly.

“Okay, sehr gut.” Caleb nodded. Essek noticed him fumbling with his sleeve hems. Even that was endearing to him, besotted fool that he was becoming. “Not to rush, but I haven’t come here with a lot of time.”

“Oh?”

“Ja, I told the Nein I was getting some shopping done. And we agreed to ask you to meet later, so…” Caleb stared at the ground. “I am sorry. I know it was foolish to come here in spite of the time crunch, I just- We had a close call and I-“

“Not to worry.” Essek flicked his wrist and the window fell shut and the curtains closed. He did not like the idea of only having Caleb to himself briefly but he supposed it was better than not having him to himself at all so he would make do. It wasn’t as though he wasn’t already thoroughly invested. “I can provide you with what you long for.” If Caleb needed a distraction, some fun, some pleasure, even if short, Essek would give it to him. It would be much easier, however, if his feelings weren’t restlessly yelling Caleb’s name as if to convince him that his lover was, in fact, there.

A small smile curled on Caleb’s lips. “In that case, I would be very grateful…” He infused some low pleasant tones into his speech as he dipped his head down in a submissive bow.

Feeling a smile tug on his own lips, as well, Essek cupped Caleb’s cheek with his palm and tilted his head upward. The motions were gentle, almost sweet. He suddenly second guessed them. What made him do this – his heart or his lust? Was it okay if it wasn’t the latter?

Caleb leaned into the touch and met his eyes and Essek forgot his worry.

“Well then, my pet…” Essek cooed, trying to settle into his dominant, owning persona. He found it assuring. As long as he remained in that headspace, everything would be fine. “Once again I find you here, urgent and needy. So badly that you come to me even though you are pressed for time.”

“Yes, Essek…”

“No time to spare at all. And still, you came here to be fucked and used.” Essek mused and he stroked Caleb’s bottom lip with his thumb ever so slowly. “And you think I will reward you demanding my attention like this?”

“Please, Essek, I’ll do anything…” Caleb pleaded, his lip springing free of Essek’s thumb.

Gods. What an admission. Essek really wished he’d have the collar on hand just then. To make Caleb plead and beg and promise himself away for that sign of Essek’s ownership. Essek would graciously put it around that pretty neck. Unless- What if he had procured it because it had _meant_ something, after all? He couldn’t use it, then. If it meant so much to him but not to Caleb. That would be uncomfortable. Unfair. Making Caleb wear something without knowing that it meant something to Essek. But did it? Or had that just been the lust and the persona, after all?

Essek realized that, even if he were to collar Caleb, he wouldn’t do it like this. Not when they were want for time and restless. He _wanted_ it to be special – that was probably a horrible sign. Next time. He’d consider it for next time.

Tethering his thoughts back to the moment, Essek thrust his thumb into Caleb’s mouth with a delighted smirk. He elicited a little moan. This was better. No errand thoughts or contemplations. Just actions. “Since you are denying me the time to fuck you how I want, I guess that filthy mouth will have to do.”

Essek would have had to be blind to miss the spark in Caleb’s eyes as they briefly met his again. He’d almost forgotten how strangely eager Caleb was to put his perfect mouth to use.

It probably wouldn’t be weird to kiss him right that moment.

Essek had kissed him during a scene before. It had just been part of it. Or had it been more back then, either? No. Caleb hadn’t ever mentioned it to him as odd. But Caleb was also more inexperienced than him. But did that matter? No. Caleb had liked it, Essek had liked it, it was part of their arrangement. No rule broken. It was fine. It would be fine, again.

Essek withdrew his thumb. He curled his index finger under Caleb’s chin and leaned in to press a kiss against his lips. The contact ignited something, the sensation in Essek’s chest was explosive. Everything was sparks and energy _._ Caleb’s lips were warm and soft and Essek could smell his cozy fireplace scent again. It was intoxicating. Through sparks and warmth, a powerful desire thrummed in Essek’s body. _More._ He wanted _more._ He wanted _everything._

His arms wanted to travel around Caleb’s shoulders but instead he grabbed him by the lapels of his coat, thinking an embrace too romantic. He pulled him close as the sensations grew more intense. He tilted his head to kiss his other more fully. He broke apart only to come back. Then he started to nip at Caleb’s bottom lip and Caleb exhaled a shuddered breath. Essek felt himself getting lost. Caleb’s hands remained dutifully at his sides – it wasn’t his place to touch – but Essek yearned to have them all over him, to explore every curve and angle.

That was when he pulled away from the kiss, their faces inches apart.

Caleb’s breath had grown heavier, he was flushed and the interest that he had come with had developed into intense, dark lust.

“You are denying me that pretty view I like so much.” Essek teased, a possessive tone creeping into his voice. His hands trailed from the lapels to the scarf and he tugged on it, his eyes focused on Caleb’s until the garment was loose and in his hands. “Take off your clothes.” He ordered.

“Yes, Essek…” The voice was barely a whisper and it needn’t be more.

Caleb started on his coat and Essek realized that their eye contact hadn’t been broken. And he thought he might do or say something stupid until Caleb broke away to bring his coat over to its usual spot. Essek used the opportunity to toss the scarf on the bed and rid himself of his mantle. He sat on the edge of the bed, one leg crossed over the other. He observed. Caleb got out of his harness, followed by his boots. Essek found him stealing several glances over at him and Essek was happy to assure each and every one of them with a possessive, watching eye.

As Caleb rid himself of his pants, Essek noticed that the marks he’d placed had vanished. It wasn’t unexpected, but Essek couldn’t wait to replace them. Though it would have to wait. Next time.

Once he was bare – safe for, of course, the necklace – Caleb turned and Essek beckoned him over with a curling finger. Essek scooted further onto the bed, seating himself so that his back was facing the headboard. Caleb, after receiving a nod of approval, joined him. He knelt as he usually did in front of Essek, juxtaposing Essek’s more relaxed position.

“Turn around.” Essek ordered and Caleb shuffled to show his back to Essek, who took the scarf again. “Wrists.” He demanded and Caleb put his wrists together at the small of his back with a speed that could have only been caused by eagerness. The binding was done swiftly and firmly. Essek checked its tightness as he usually did and swallowed a grunt of annoyance as he opened the knot to tie it again, more loosely. The heat in his gut told him to get on with it and he ignored it as he took his time to do it right and check again. It was okay this time. “Turn back to me.” Essek ordered and Caleb did so. Essek took just a moment to look him over - he had to be granted that.

Caleb was carrying a few bruises from his adventures, but he was flushed and kneeling and perfect. His eyes spoke of desire, as did his growing erection. By the gods, Essek wished they had time. But they didn’t. Maybe for one more kiss, though.

If only his pet were wearing his collar already, then Essek could grab him by it and yank him forward. Instead he leaned close, reached around Caleb’s head and grabbed him by his hair to pull him into another kiss. He knew he was being self-indulgent, but he could not help himself when provided with the perfect opportunity. Caleb would never suspect anything, he was sure.

That kiss wasn’t granted a long lifespan, as the time pressure pulled Essek away from it. It was hard to categorize what he felt as he saw Caleb follow his lips briefly, longingly. “Don’t you have a delicious mouth?” Essek cooed. He leaned back a little and positioned himself with spread legs in such a way that would give Caleb easy access to where his head needed to go. He quickly undid his belt and the front of his pants and pulled out his hardening cock, holding it in one hand. His free hand found Caleb’s hair again. He saw Caleb’s eyes look at his crotch hungrily, anticipation written all over him. “You want this?” Essek teased.

“Yes, please…”

“You want me to fill that witty little mouth?”

“Gods, yes…”

“Can you not beg better, pet? If this is what you’re so desperate for?”

Caleb swallowed hard. He looked up to meet Essek’s eyes again. “Please, Essek, please let me suck you off. Please give my worthless mouth purpose. Please fuck it until my tongue can’t form words and my throat is numb, please… Please…”

. . . Essek _really_ had to make more of a habit of coaxing Caleb to say what he wanted. Those words wouldn’t leave him alone for quite some time, he was sure. “Get to work, then.” He said showing none of the appreciation he felt.

Instead, he pushed Caleb’s head down, the grip on ginger locks tightening. He held his cock to Caleb’s mouth, though found himself able to release the hold immediately as Caleb happily took him in without pause.

Essek’s breath hitched once and he leaned back, propping himself up with his one free arm. With Caleb settled in between his legs, his mouth being pushed onto his cock, Essek was immediately glad to have not broken off this arrangement due to feelings.

Essek swallowed as Caleb put his tongue to work, running it along the sensitive skin as Essek started to force his head into a bobbing motion. He realized something. “Snap for me once, pet.” Caleb snapped his fingers and with that Essek was relieved and comfortable enough to submerge himself in the sparking, hot pleasure Caleb was giving him. It was too easy to imagine that things were different. That it wasn’t Caleb sneaking in and sneaking out later before inevitably stealing off on another adventure. That it was normal, commonplace. A shared lazy morning before a shared research day. Not a tryst between tasks, slotted into a day full of tension and duties.

Essek gasped as Caleb had the audacity to give an almost forceful suck and he loved it. Losing himself in a myriad of feelings and sensations, it was simple to forget that his tower was being guarded because of politics. That this man between his legs was off-limits because of politics. That he would never have what he craved. Because of politics.

No. Because of his own selfish, _selfish_ actions.

Essek forced his eyes open to look down, choosing to focus on anything other than where his thoughts were heading. He instead watched Caleb’s form and he wished that they had more time so he could appreciate more of him fully with his touch and his mouth, but they didn’t and he wouldn’t.

Essek decided to increase the pace and he cursed that wonderful wet and hot mouth on that beautiful lover of his. He pushed and pulled Caleb’s head more quickly and more roughly then, building up a faster, steadier rhythm. Caleb made no motion to resist or stop, he just let Essek guide his head however he pleased, perfectly malleable to his whims. He pressed Caleb down hard and heard a little choking sound come from his throat and he loved it. How Caleb let him do this, wanted him to do it, got off on him doing all these things that were harsh and demeaning and an inexplicable surrender to him.

Essek felt himself starting to get close, his hips bucking upward uncontrollably. He stopped moving Caleb’s head and instead held it firmly in place to thrust upward and into him. Making good on Caleb’s request, Essek pounded into his mouth harshly, hitting the back of his throat again and again. Sounds of pleasure escaped his lips and once he thought he might moan Caleb’s name but managed to suppress it.

It only took a few more thrusts for him to reach his climax and he shoved Caleb’s head down harshly one last time, filling his mouth and throat. His toes curled and his fingernails dug into the sheets beneath him. He continued to hold Caleb in place for a few moments after his release as he relaxed into the bed, panting heavily, before finally pulling his head up. He felt tension roll off of him.

Essek looked down at his lover who looked up tentatively. Caleb’s pupils were dilated, his face was red and reminders of Essek’s release were on his red and swollen lips. They held the eye contact for a moment and a shudder coursed through Essek’s body when Caleb swallowed audibly. Essek’s grip in Caleb’s hair grew softer and then turned into a caress. He focused on those eyes. Those eyes that still looked at him like he was a holy, sacred thing and not a wretched, lying man. He stared at them and into them and hoped that maybe if he stared hard enough he’d find Caleb’s soul so that he could mend the scars and the pains and soothe those ever-present worries.

His mind was hazy and the only clarity seemed to be found in crystal, sky, keen blue.

Essek felt a surge in his chest and he felt light. And a part of him knew that this was his undoing, his end. He didn’t even care that the situation was off, the moment terribly chosen. He couldn’t keep it quiet. Not when all his thoughts would ever care to do was linger and test and wonder and hope and dream. He had to tell him. Right that second, lest he never get another for it. ‘Caleb, I am developing feelings for you.’ ‘Caleb, I’m falling for you.’ ‘Caleb, I’m sorry, but I want more than this.’ ‘Caleb, I want all of you.’ ‘Caleb, please forgive me, but I’ve let myself fall in love with you.’

“Caleb, I-“

“Essek, we’re back, but we really need to talk to you if you have the time. Because it’s super important. Also you’re super cool, we miss you, aaaand you float really good!”

Jester’s voice shot through his head like a crossbow bolt. He was staring at Caleb and saw that Caleb was staring back at him, searching his eyes.

“Ja, Essek?”

Essek summoned every ounce of self-control that he had to form a response before the spell fizzled out. Calm, collected, neutral. No indication of the anxiety in his throat or the fact that he was in bed with the Nein’s wizard.

“Ah, this is good to hear. I’m glad you returned, I assume, safely. I will go ahead and pass on by within the hour.” He met Caleb’s eyes as he spoke in his normal calm and reserved manner.

He saw understanding reflected in blue irises and Caleb gave a small nod. They both waited to see whether there would be a follow-up. There was none.

“Very well, it appears our schedule has just moved up some. I suppose it is about time I take care of you, then.” Essek was reeling, trying to slip back into his seductive tones.

“Ah, orange. Wait.” Caleb instructed and Essek immediately halted. “You were saying something before the, ah, intrusion. You used my name.”

Right. Yes. That had almost happened. Suddenly, Essek was extremely grateful for Jester’s message. She had unwittingly saved him from making a complete fool of himself. “Oh that was nothing. Do not worry about it. Now, I believe we are under some time pressure?”

Caleb looked at him and Essek could see the doubt. But Caleb seemed to resign himself to accepting the falsehood as he assumed his obedient head tilt. “Yes, Essek. We are.”

“And you still want me to take care of you?”

“Yes, Essek, please…”

“Desperate, are you?” Essek teased, feeling the shield of his persona rebuild around him.

“Yes, Essek…”

“If you’re so desperate, maybe I should call for those guards out front to come in and have their way with you, hm?” Essek said. “Just ask them here to fill you up and do with you whatever they like.”

“If that pleases you, please let me do it…”

Essek was torn on whether, in a hypothetical world where he could somehow do such a thing, he would. On one hand, watching Caleb be absolutely unraveled by more than one partner was a delightful, delicious thought. On the other hand, anyone’s hands on him but Essek’s felt like a crime that had to be punished. “You’d just let anyone else have you so easily?” Essek tested.

“No, Essek, I would only do it for you.”

Essek knew, he godsdamn _knew_ that his heart shouldn’t have anything to do with that statement, yet it took it as a prompt to skip a beat. Only for _him_. Only for _Essek._ What else would Caleb do for him? How far would this man go for him? No. He’d go nowhere, ever. This was a scene and Essek was ruining it by overthinking every word that came out of Caleb’s mouth. He forced himself back into the moment. “What a good, loyal pet you are.” He chimed. “Maybe you’ve earned this reward, after all.”

As he looked Caleb over, he noticed with delight that he was already dripping with precum, predictably turned on by pleasuring Essek. Essek realized that, while he loved Caleb’s wrists tied up, there was a delightful little game to be had if they weren’t. He got on his knees and leaned forward, wrapping his arms around his lover to untie his wrists without seeing them. He lingered close to Caleb, close enough to feel his breath. He pulled the scarf free and placed it aside on the bed. “Lie on your back for me.”

Caleb nodded and shifted over to follow the order, lying down with his head close to the foot end of the bed as Essek gave him the room to do so.

Essek crawled on top of him, to hover over him. He leveled himself so that he could look into those pretty eyes again as his hand reached down to take hold of Caleb’s length. Caleb gasped quietly. “Don’t touch me.” Essek murmured, introducing the game. He loved the thought of such an imbalance between what either of them were permitted to do. All of Caleb was his while none of him was Caleb’s. Physically and in that moment, at least.

“Yes Essek.” Caleb said dutifully but Essek could see the fight in his eyes. He could feel Caleb’s hands flex and move beside him as if fighting the urge to touch and explore and Essek felt himself torn, wanting to feel those hands but wanting to watch Caleb squirm at the same time.

It was a privilege to be in this predicament.

He began stroking Caleb, his eyes fixed on his face to observe every little shift in his expression. He was immediately rewarded as Caleb’s eyes widened briefly and his lips parted in a quiet moan. Caleb held the eye contact and Essek felt tension in it. He continued to stroke Caleb’s cock at an agonizingly slow pace. Part of him never wanted to speed up because doing so would mean letting Caleb finish and that would mean that he’d leave.

But Essek hadn’t much of a choice. He started to build up a pace, his pumping slicked with Caleb’s precum. Caleb’s breath grew heavy very quickly and within a few thrusts he was moaning liberally. Essek learned where and when to apply more pressure to draw out just the noises he wanted to hear. It was a whole symphony of sounds that Caleb was involuntarily performing.

His eyes fell shut as he leaned back his head. Essek noticed Caleb’s hands gripping fistfuls of blanket. He was absolutely stunning underneath him and Essek thought himself blessed and cursed at the same time. He got to spend time with and have sex with this beautiful man. But it would never be enough.

Essek felt Caleb instinctively thrusting up his hips, but the motion was aborted by Caleb’s self-control, so he didn’t berate him for it. Not that there would be time for punishment, anyway.

Caleb’s muscles grew tense as he got close and Essek felt the fabric of the blanket underneath them shift as Caleb almost tore at it and drove his heels into it. It would never cease to delight him just how he could bend this man’s body. A few more thrusts and Caleb’s back arched as he released in between them, speckling his own torso with his climax. Essek continued to pump him for a little longer, until Caleb’s muscles relaxed and he lay there, breathing heavily.

Essek sat back, feeling warm and fuzzy and satisfied. Though he dreaded his lover’s departure. There was a long moment of silence as Caleb regained his breath and some of his composure and Essek waved a Prestidigitation spell for the both of them.

“Essek…” Caleb spoke up.

“Yes?”

“… I am deeply grateful that you took the time for me.” Caleb said and it struck something within Essek that he now could unfortunately identify very easily.

“I told you, I would have turned you away had I been too busy.” Essek reminded, lying once more.

“Ja… but… still.” Caleb groaned and sat up. “I, er, am afraid I must forego aftercare today.” He announced and Essek had expected as much. “I assure you I am fine, feel fine, need nothing and have no complaints.”

“I understand. If you are certain.” Essek wasn’t pleased, but he knew there wasn’t much to be done about it. “But this will not become a habit. Next time I will not let you leave without it and if Jester prods and probes my head until she runs out of spells, so be it.”

“Heh.” Caleb gave him a smile. “I have gotten more than used to the… addendum of our trysts, Essek.” He volunteered. “You will not have to keep me by force. And I would hate to see you lose your mind because of too many Sendings.” He got off the bed.

“Me, as well.” Essek agreed. He moved to sit on the edge of his bed, feet touching the ground.

Caleb moved over to his clothes and put them on quickly. Unprompted, he checked his hair in Essek’s mirror and adjusted his ponytail. He froze. “Verdammt.”

“What is it?”

“Can you, ah, point out the closest store where I could purchase some chalk and spell components? It is what I set out to do, and, er, what I told the Nein I would do.” Caleb explained.

“Ah, yes, there is one not far from here. Please do hurry. I must appear at your Den when the hour I promised Jester is up to keep up appearances. I would hate for us to arrive at the same time or for you to arrive after.” Essek explained.

“Ja, of course.” Caleb opened one of the curtains and the window behind them.

“Right. Well, I think I can point out the store from here.”

-

Essek took his time to get himself in order after Caleb’s departure. Already, his heart felt heavy and burdened. The lightness that Caleb had brought with himself, he’d taken away, as well. Essek truly was doomed.

He went over the quick tryst in his head. He couldn’t deny the dichotomy of his thoughts. Alternating between lust and love and confusing the two. He realized how much more than Caleb he had gotten out of it. Of course, Caleb had received attention and pleasure as he’d requested. But in turn Caleb had unwittingly filled Essek’s heart. It felt… off, somehow. Like he’d used his lover in a way they hadn’t agreed on.

He pushed the hour he’d promised to Jester as much as he could to give Caleb time to get his shopping done but he wished to leave early to busy his mind with something. He tried to steel himself for the imminent interaction. With Caleb alone, he could at least try to bury all these unnecessary emotions under the lust and his persona. He wasn’t so lucky with the rest of the Mighty Nein. Time and time again he found his perfect Shadowhand façade break due to their antics. He could only imagine it being worse now that he knew how he truly felt about one of them.

He’d have to be wary of Jester’s teasing, which got under his skin far too easily, and Caduceus’ gaze which, strangely and completely alien to him, always felt as though it knew more than his calm and reserved appearance let on.

When the hour was nearing its end, he left his towers, locking the door behind himself. He didn’t have to give the guards any orders, they followed him without word. They would be on his unwalking heels no matter where he went. He found that thought deeply unsettling.

-

It was hard, as Essek had expected.

But, fortunately, with the Nein talking nothing but politics and plots, he managed to maintain his indifference. It helped that he was genuinely interested in what they had to say. And he had to be, because they had apparently somehow attained more information that lead them to believe that a third party had their hands in the war. They seemed relatively certain of it, too. Essek ignored the turmoil in his chest – the worry and fear and regret – in order to stay focused and in the moment and as neutral as he could be. He had to appear moderately interested in what they were saying and their overall pursuits, not shaken at the claims they made.

“Right, anyway, keep in touch.” He finally said and left with his companions. They hadn’t asked him for any Teleport services or indicated any urgent need to be anywhere. However, Caleb had insisted that they had been pressed for time, so it was entirely possible that they were leaving again. Whether it would be one day or a few, Essek didn’t know but he tried to prepare himself for either option as best he could.

-

The rest of the day went on comparatively uneventfully. Comparative to being woken up in the middle of the night to attend a crisis meeting, that was. Essek stopped by the Lucid Bastion after the Xhorhaus and gave the necessary orders for his proverbial plates to continue spinning.

He was disappointed to find his guards following him home after that, as well, though he supposed he shouldn’t have been. As he stepped into his home and closed the front door, locking it as usual, he knew what he had to do next. He had been pushing it off for way too long, already, and one of the last things he needed was for his co-conspirators to assume that he was compromised. With every bit of resolve he could muster, he headed to his study. Immediately, the still painfully empty piece of parchment was staring him down.

He ran his response though his mind, sat down and began to write. The first few sentences were produced without problem or pause, pertaining to normal interactions and plans. When it came time to answer the question about what they were to do with the Mighty Nein he paused. Nothing had changed. He still wouldn’t be able to classify them as a threat and push them into harm’s way. He had only become more certain of it. But he found his mind surprisingly calm and resolute as he felt sure of his stance. He mulled over his words, knowingly he would still have to address the issue. Finally, he wrote:

‘I will deal with them.’

And left it at that.

It was vague. It was vague because not even Essek knew what it meant, yet.

But it kept the ball on his half of the playing field, which was where he wanted to have it in regards to the Nein. He finished the letter, closed it, and three-way sealed it with all the usual mundane and arcane means. He opened his drawer to place it in there until he sent it. But when he saw the collar box inside, he abruptly closed the drawer again. He placed the letter in a different one.

-

As his trance eluded him that night – it was becoming routine, Essek realized – Caleb came to his mind again. Essek missed him. Already. It was an uncomfortable thought to be so much at the whim of someone else.

He thought back to their brief tryst. How he’d tried to sneak in some kisses, knowing full-well that they had not been performed to serve his lust. Not primarily, at least.

Guilt struck him again.

He wasn’t abusing their relationship, not really. But he was getting something out of it that Caleb certainly wasn’t intending to give. Essek was indulging in thoughts and actions that had no place in what they’d discussed. And somehow it felt like he was selfishly taking advantage of Caleb’s willingness to engage with him physically, to satisfy himself emotionally.

And it felt oddly wrong. Even if Caleb might never know of it, might never think to guess that Essek held him in his heart. It was strange how Essek had done things he knew he was supposed to feel bad for without a hint of regret, but the closer he got to the Nein the more regrets he found in each of his actions.

Essek made a choice, then.

He had to tell Caleb.

Strangely, that instinct he’d almost pursued in the absence of his mental clarity had been right. He couldn’t enjoy their encounters if he felt like he was cheating Caleb out of emotional gratification. He didn’t want to feel guilty and empty and lovelorn afterwards. They couldn’t be together. Caleb wouldn’t want to be together. But if Essek told him, then at least they could work out what to do together. If there was anyone Essek trusted with these emotions it was Caleb. And that was an assuring thought. To know that Caleb was not the person who would condemn him and demonize and vilify him.

Not for this, at least.

Caleb had to be okay with Essek’s feelings, even if he didn’t reciprocate. Otherwise, there was no point in pursuing their arrangement anymore. Whatever they had, a tryst, an agreement, more, Essek wanted to do it right. He wanted to, for once in his life, have something real, no matter the shape it ended up taking.

His heart leapt again and a faint smile crossed Essek’s lips. Surely, he’d be terrified of telling Caleb by the time he got the chance, but for the moment the thought was assuring. Be it tomorrow or a few days or a week.

Essek would tell Caleb that he was starting to love him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's so long. I'm so sorry. I couldn't find a decent place to cut it. hhhh...  
> It also TOOK longer than it usually does. So I'm sorry for that, too. Mental stuff and life stuff, ya know?
> 
> Anyway, thanks for commenting and kudoing!! I think I might have a vision problem that my glasses aren't fixing 'cause the kudo counter looks like it is in triple digits with a '5' at the front...?


	15. Next time

_“All of this has to stay between you and me.” Essek pushed. “That is what you want, as well, correct?”_

_“Ja. I figured that it might cause you problems if someone found out about this. Given, well… given everything, I suppose.” Caleb pondered. He ran the tip of his index finger over the smooth surface of his glass._

_“That would be a true assumption, yes.” Essek saw no need to explain himself further. They both knew the circumstances, after all._

_“Is there anyone at all you will tell about this?” Caleb asked. “Ah, not that you would have to share that information with me.” He added quickly._

_Essek considered his reply. He wasn’t certain why Caleb had asked. The answer was ‘no’. Essek had no one he cared to share personal secrets or gossip with. But he didn’t know whether that was something he should say. Perhaps Caleb was theorizing that Essek didn’t have many friends and sought to validate that hypothesis. Essek wouldn’t want to admit to that. Alternatively, Caleb could be evaluating the risk of an arrangement and thus Essek’s ability to keep a secret. Either way, perhaps he shouldn’t start this off by withholding relevant information. “No, I have no intentions of sharing this secret with anyone but yourself.”_

_“Ah, that’s good.” Caleb replied. He seemed to take no glee from the reply, though Essek was sure that active mind was already processing the new information in unseen ways. “I mean, I assumed. But I did not want to cling to assumptions.”_

_“Why did you assume that I wouldn’t tell anyone?” Essek felt his grip on his glass tighten a little._

_“Oh, I found it hard to believe that you would share personal information – secrets even - with any third party. Given that you seem to be practicing a profession that requires secrecy…” Caleb’s expression was suddenly struck with worry. “I, er, didn’t mean to offend. I apologize if that came across as, er-“_

_“Don’t worry, I understand.” Essek believed him, though he couldn’t shake the feeling that being the Shadowhand was not the only reason Caleb had put forth his assumption. “I appreciate the confidence you have in my secrecy. I assure you it is not misplaced.”_

-

Anxiety about his decision awoke with Essek the next day.

He tried to use it as a motivator instead of an obstacle and chose to believe that postponing the inevitable talk with Caleb would only make the feeling more intense. If he did it immediately, he could do it on his terms and hopefully without having to rush through any part of it.

So Essek got ready for the day, finished some simple tasks and headed to the Xhorhaus. There were still two undesired shadows from the Dusk Captain stuck to his heels. He couldn’t tell whether a portion of that nervous feeling in his gut was caused by them or whether it was all owed to what lay in front of him. But his companions at the very least did not make him any _more_ comfortable. He felt scrutinized by silent stalkers.

Trying to put them out of his mind, he contemplated how he would approach this unusual challenge. Essek figured that getting Caleb alone was probably going to be easy, considering that he would be looking out and reading subtle hints. Once it was just the two of them, Essek would have to cut straight to the chase. He didn’t know whether he could bring himself to be honest about something this delicate otherwise. He couldn’t give himself the chance to get caught up in flirtations and double meanings or he might take it as a way out of an uncomfortable situation. A necessary situation.

The Xhorhaus came into view and Essek’s heart took that as an excuse to speed up. The vague anxiety that had ruled his feelings on the way over was growing stronger, strengthened with fear and uncertainty. As much as he hated it, he just didn’t know how this was going to go. A lot of it was up to Caleb, so aside from trying to script his own words, there was nothing he could plan for.

He couldn’t see Caleb getting upset with him or being repulsed by the unwanted emotions. Not if Essek vocalized them as a fact to be discussed rather than a confession, at least. But it would still inevitably drive a wedge between them and there was no telling how _exactly_ Caleb would take the news. Whether he would call off the arrangement right away, whether he would find it necessary to confide in one or more of the Nein or whether maybe he saw no need for change at all. The truth was that, while Essek had gained a lot of understanding about Caleb’s physical needs and preferences, he had no idea how he dealt with emotions. Especially admissions of love. His response was dreadfully unpredictable. He was of the Mighty Nein, after all.

Essek would just have to make sure that Caleb knew that he wasn’t expecting anything. No reciprocating, no tip-toeing around his feelings. Nothing. It was just something that he needed out in the open so that they could maybe dissect it together, be on even ground and move on from that in whatever way.

As he got closer, the tree atop the Xhorhaus seemed to loom over him with indominable might. He found it and the rest of the building oddly threatening and the sudden desire to turn around spiked up within him. The uncertainty became dread, eating away at him. He didn’t need things to change, did he? He could just deal with all of this somehow and Caleb would never have to know. He took a deep breath as quietly as he could while trying to find the resolve he had set out with. He had mastered far more dangerous meetings, he could push through this one.

Approaching the house, Essek noticed that there was no sign of life to be perceived. It was quiet and he found no light behind any of the windows. He headed to the door, anyway, hoping for a chance meeting with Caleb alone. That was, after all, what the house in this state had granted him last time. His knock remained unanswered for as long as Essek found it bearable to wait. There was no one there to greet him or talk to him. No Caleb to judge his emotions. Essek withdrew. He felt heavy and lonely and rejected. He didn’t let that show, however, knowing that two pairs of trained eyes were on him.

He tried to lift his sinking heart with the knowledge that this was no permanent rejection, only a temporary wait. He had gone for a long while without opening up about his emotions to anyone, he could keep them in a little longer. Though there was nothing soothing he could tell himself to make him forget that the Nein hadn’t told him goodbye.

-

He tried again the next day with the same results. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for the house to be left behind for multiple days. Two would have been a low count, even. The Nein were volatile adventurers, and being home for long was the antithesis to that lifestyle. But Essek selfishly wished that they had chosen to stay in Rosohna, regardless. Just for a few more days. Just so that he could alleviate the weight on his chest. But he was not granted this selfish wish. They were gone and he had to be okay with it.

It _was_ okay. He could wait. Essek would just throw himself into his work and studies and it would be fine. Just a few more days.

-

He decided against an attempt on the third day. Three consecutive failed visits to the absentee group could have the guards suspicious. And Essek didn’t need them to go to the Dusk Captain to speak of ‘the Shadowhand’s uncharacteristic behavior’ or anything like that. It would do him no good to be confronted by Quana Kryn herself. Lying to one of the closest people to the Bright Queen was a dangerous game that he tried to avoid at all costs. Especially if he didn’t know what lie he could offer that would seem believable.

Essek spent the day, like every day in recent weeks, crushed by responsibility and work. His main focus was trying to deliver results to his Queen while simultaneously hiding the truth from her. It was a double-edged sword and Essek wasn’t even sure whether he was the one holding it, anymore. The break-in a few days prior had been a wake-up call. Someone was on his trail, maybe, _hopefully,_ unaware of whom exactly they were pursuing. The whispers about a possible intruder should have had him more alert. He had been dismissive instead, thinking them exaggerated.

He had an unwitting scapegoat lined up to take the plunge for most eventualities, but not even that would save him if someone followed the bread crumbs all the way first.

The pressure kept Caleb Widogast out of his mind for the most part, at least. Him and all the things that would never be between them. Whenever Essek’s thought were at risk of exploring that particular avenue, he pulled them away with work, with concerns, with any of the many, many things that could occupy his mind. It was stressful each day, but it was fine. He was still being guarded, still watched by proxy. But it was fine.

The days were, all things considered, fine.

It was the nights that were not.

The loneliness sat heavy on his chest, perched like a creature, whenever he tried to slip into a trance. The thoughts, kept away during his work, took over his mind and no contemplation about his plans, about the future, about his tasks, would do anything to sway them. He just had to submit to them, enduring one harrowing, restless night after another. He felt pathetic for being so affected, weak for succumbing to his own emotions. He told himself each following mornings that every terrible night endured was one night closer to Caleb returning and, consequentially, to putting an end to this festering madness of his. Hopefully. Talking to him with a plan in mind would change things. Somehow.

Just a few more days.

-

After a week, Essek went to check on the house again – guards be damned. But it was still a lifeless building, save for that tree if it counted. None of the energy and vibrance that the Nein brought with them in sight. No soul. No heart. _Did trees have souls?_ Essek had instructed one of the guards of the Lucid Bastion’s Teleportation Circle to alert him if the Nein returned, so it came as no surprise that the building was still deserted. But it was still uncomfortable when all he wished was for the residents of that house, at least a specific one of them, to be home to welcome him inside.

The decision to check in spite of his new informant had hailed from the realization that Caleb could have learned to Teleport himself and his friends to the Xhorhaus without Circle. And without Essek.

The thought was unpleasant. Caleb hadn’t been capable enough to learn that specific spell the last time they had spoken, but who knew? Caleb took to Dunamancy well in spite of his magic being very distant to it. Maybe he was capable of doing leaps of growth in many areas of the arcane without a lot of time spent. Though, of course, he’d still have to get his hands on the spell itself. In which case Essek would have hoped that Caleb would come to him. But maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe he’d ask some other wizard. Did Caleb know many other wizards who could teach him?

And once that spell was learned… would Essek become superfluous to the Mighty Nein?

He shook his head. No, he was still their connection to the Dynasty. They couldn’t just leave him behind even if Caleb eventually ran leaps around him in spellcraft – which was not even a certainty. Essek was still far ahead of him and still gathering more knowledge and skill each day. Just because Caleb learned a lot on his travels didn’t mean he’d ever surpass Essek. And even if he did, even if the Nein had all their Teleport and magic and political needs met somehow, they’d still seek him out, right?

… Right?

But… why would they?

He could assure himself of it. Subtly prod at their interest in him once they returned. Just a few more days.

-

There was still no sign of them after ten days and Essek still wrestled with his worry of becoming useless to them. He felt his uncertainty of where the Nein had gone and when they would return as another weight to rest on his shoulders. This heaviness sat comfortably between his responsibilities and tasks and everything else that threatened to crush the breath out of him.

One of these concerns was the still ongoing aftermath of the break-in. The Lens hadn’t been able to track down the intruder. They hadn’t determined a possible institution of origin, either. Aside from the long list of possible culprits that Essek had already been aware of. And that was only one of many, many worries that plagued him on a daily basis.

And still, his mind found the time to contemplate the Mighty Nein and his relationship to them. And with that the reasons why they didn’t deem it important to contact him. Or to let him know where they had gone. He wished he didn’t but still he worried about how they would see him once he ceased to fulfill a purpose in their eyes.

They had designated him a friend and that should have indicated that they would seek him out beyond transactional meetings. But so far they had only ever really called on him for his abilities or his connections.

Caleb aside, of course. Though, Caleb had also only really come to him for magic and sex and although it was different and undoubtedly more intimate, it still wasn’t the same as friendship. Not by a long shot. It was still in the frame of a deal.

Would they just… not care about him eventually? If they even cared right then. He had assumed they would spare him the occasional thought, at least. He had assumed it because of the niceties, the friendliness, the title he’d earned from them. But, in the end, he did not know their other allies, their contacts or how they behaved around someone else. Whether these things were easily extended and freely given. To just about anyone.

Whether Caleb would just climb into the bed of the next powerful mage he met whose interests aligned marginally with his own. Essek resented himself a little for contemplating that.

It would be fine. They’d assure him once they came back. Just a few more days.

-

As the days dragged on to complete two weeks of absence, more tasks were added to Essek’s schedule and more worries were added to his mind. He was spread almost dangerously thin during the day and was not granted a deep and healthy rest during the night. He was dancing with disaster as he tried to hide his wrongdoings from keen and watching eyes. He was weary and tired and stressed and lonely and longing.

His profession wore him out as did his treason and his personal life, which had only really become a factor to his being recently. There was, simply put, nothing to give him a break.

It was an unfortunate combination of truths that made up Essek’s reality and it didn’t take long for his overall mood to sour.

He tried to hide it, of course. Between politeness and fakeness. He hid his frustration and pain as well as he hid everything else. Or, he hoped he did.

And if anyone asked him whether he was okay, whether something had changed, he’d give them a cold ‘yes’ and a brief explanation that he was very busy to let them know to better leave him alone. To not even look at him if they could help it.

That was the attitude with which he attended court that day. It grew marginally better as he overheard the Dusk Captain voice her contemplation to pull the guards from their escort stations. Essek couldn’t wait for the command to be issued, wanting to leave at least one worry behind. But it had been a vocalized thought, nothing more. So they still trailed behind him on his way home. The Lens still hadn’t been able to uncover anything, much to his dismay. Directing them had become an even more delicate balance of actually seeking information and trying not to incriminate himself. Yet, with each day that passed since the break-in, the trail was growing colder. If his operatives had nothing at this point, Essek estimated it likely that the thief was lost to the wind. Unless they tried to auction off the information, which it wasn’t valuable or distinct enough for.

The Bright Queen was displeased with this lack of results but didn’t outright pin the blame on him. Small mercies.

On his way home that day, the Mighty Nein were on the forefront of his mind yet again. Worry was a constant, distracting companion. Every day he wished more to be interrupted by Jester’s admittedly charming butchered Sendings. Just to know where they were and that they cared enough to send a message. Even if it ultimately ended up being a Teleport request. He’d even take one in the middle of the night or while in the bath or during a hearing in court, as long as there was any contact at all.

Essek was lost in these thoughts as he entered the Firmaments, guards still uncomfortably in tow, when someone called for him.

“Shadowhand!”

Essek ignored his initial urge to pretend he hadn’t heard. The reluctance to do so was perhaps more owed to the guards at his side than to politeness or a sense of duty. There was only so much of that he was willing to extend to the owner of that voice. He turned around to see a familiar face. “Ah, good day.” He greeted the representative. “What a coincidence.” He mused, wondering how much this meeting was parented by chance. He hadn’t had the time to consider this woman much, but he had mental notes about her. None of them had been ranked as a priority, leaving him to be terribly unprepared for whatever she could want.

“The Luxon sees our paths cross yet again.” She chimed as she approached him. The increased proximity tipped Essek off that this was going to be more than a hello-and-goodbye affair. Very unfortunate.

Essek glanced at his guards. They would be a potent repellant for most anyone, but apparently not for her. “How fortunate.” There was no way Essek sounded genuine in the slightest. “Sadly, I am rather busy this day. Perhaps we could postpone this blessed meeting?”

“I intend to only steal a moment of your time.” She explained. Essek saw her eyes flicker over the his escorts and there was a spark of interest there. It seemed the news hadn’t made it to her Den, yet, in spite of weeks passing since the incident. Interesting. And odd.

Essek could probably push the point that he had things to do. It was true, after all. But even if he had high tensions and a busy schedule on his side, he couldn’t imagine her relenting easily. Perhaps just getting this over with would be quicker than trying to avoid it. That, and she was starting to become a person of interest to him, now that the memory of her had been revived in his mind. She seemed to be collecting small oddities about her that piqued his interest and suspicion. “Very well. What is it you seek?”

“Well, I hope you remember our last meeting. I requested we hold a discussion with your attendance. Unfortunately, I have not received a schedule or an update on this matter since. Additionally, the records that we submitted together weeks ago remain unapproved, still.” She explained.

“Have you checked with the responsible aides?” Essek inquired.

“Yes. But they would not tell me why there was a delay.” She pointed out and Essek could hear the question, though she didn’t phrase it.

She was fishing for information. The archives, the Conservatory and all joint organs of Rosohna’s government had been taking precautions since the break-in and halted several investigations and processes to recover and prioritize. “A few matters have been put on hold due to recent events. I did not know yours was one of them.” Essek said truthfully, though he also hadn’t ventured to check. “Unfortunately, I have no information to offer on when this will change.”

“I will confess that I find this terribly disappointing. What will become of the matter, then?” She said and he wondered whether she was trying to win some sympathy from him. He gave her none.

“It will be on hold until further notice and be dealt with once the processes return to normal. You needn’t worry about it. The documents will not go out of date. This pause will be taken into consideration for any future inquiries and anything currently tabled. If there is any question about that in the future I will gladly step in to make sure that this problem sees solving.” He explained, hoping that it would terminate this conversation.

“I see.” She said and her voice betrayed irritation. Curious. If all she was after was settling this matter, should this information not soothe her? “And there is nothing you can do?”

“As I mentioned last time we spoke, this type of inquiry is not part of my usual responsibilities. So I apologize for disappointing, but this is the way things have to be.” Essek still wasn’t sure why this was such an urgent matter for her and her Den. He’d never been approached from the other side. Yet, somehow, that building – which Essek had yet to see – bore so much importance that it apparently warranted discussions out on the open street twice. “I seek to cause no offense, but if the documents becoming invalid due to age are not the issue, what is?”

She eyed him for what felt like a long moment though it was probably less than a second. Something in her expression was off. Not quite right. Essek didn’t know whether it had been this way all the time and he just hadn’t noticed with his focus on ridding himself of her as quickly as possible. “As you can imagine, I’m sure, leaving such a matter unresolved also leaves all tensions connected to it in a similar state. That is, tensions between Dens. We wish to see this matter dealt with so all consequential problems are terminated, as well.”

A weak explanation. “I see.” He made a mental note to check on that house. Something wasn’t right. “Well, I apologize, again, for the inconvenience. I am sure this matter will be resolved soon enough. As for convening, I will attend a meeting once everything has been processed.”

That seemed to take some of the fire out of her. “Yes, of course.” She agreed. “This inconvenience. The incident that caused this pause-“

“I cannot disclose anything about it, I’m afraid.”

“Of course, I was not seeking for you to do so.” Liar. Somehow whatever gossip and information had sprung from this had avoided her and she was trying to catch up. “But can you tell me how much longer it will last?”

“I am afraid not. That choice is not mine to make.”

“A shame.” She admitted. She remained silent for a moment longer and Essek wondered what else she could possibly wish to say. She caught his eyes with hers. “There is one more thing.”

Essek suddenly felt cornered. He didn’t know why. “Do tell.”

“When we met last, near the marketplace…” She let her voice trail off.

Essek hoped that his shock wasn’t visible. He forced himself not to glance at his guards, nervousness fueling a desire to do so. “Yes?” He tried to sound as neutral as possible. He hadn’t done anything wrong. Nothing illegal. And even if, she hadn’t known.

“… Nevermind, it is nothing.” She shook her head and offered him a polite smile. “That is all, thank you for your time, Shadowhand. Light be with you.”

“With you, as well.” Essek watched her leave, dumbfounded by the sudden change, and turned away to continue on home. What had she meant? Had she really changed her mind about speaking or had she just wanted to remind him? And, that aside, if she had been in to check with the process of her inquiry, why hadn’t she sought him out then? Why inquire over these ‘chance’ meetings? She seemed hellsbent on seeking him out outside of the Bastion. This hadn’t been the first time. Their last meeting hadn’t been, either. That was certainly strange.

-

After another restless night, Essek decided to go on a little excursion to view the object of the representative’s requests.

And if the Xhorhaus just so happened to be on his way, well, he wasn’t going to avoid it. He passed the building by and it was quiet, no lights lit, no indication of anyone being there. Sparing himself the embarrassment of yet another unanswered knock in front of his guards, he moved on. He resisted the urge to turn around a few paces later. But he couldn’t push away the ache in his chest and that strong sense of longing as he wished nothing more than for the Nein to burst out the front door in all their loud, chaotic glory. Or, perhaps, for one lone wizard to close the door behind him, setting out on an errand.

But the street remained quiet. And so Essek carried on, head held high, eyes out front, though he felt heavy enough to drop to his feet.

He had to leave the Firmaments to get to the disputed house. He grew somewhat paranoid with each turn he took, afraid that he might find that damned representative approaching him on the next street. He was spared such a disturbance and eventually came upon the house that had, unseen, become such a nuisance to him.

It didn’t _look_ like anything special.

It was a two-story building in the normal style of large Rosohna homes. It seemed to possess some relatively significant floorspace. Floating around it, Essek noticed that it probably had a similar square footage as the house gifted to the Nein. It stood empty, as expected, no lights were on inside, there was no noise and from what Essek could tell at a respectful glance, no one had visited it in a few weeks. The streets surrounding it were rather empty at this time of morning. He would have cast a quick spell to take a look inside if it hadn’t been for his companions. They were as quiet as midnight, but he had not one doubt that they were relaying everything he did to the Dusk Captain. At the very least upon being asked by her.

A quick Detect Magic couldn’t hurt, however. Essek whispered the incantation under his breath. Nothing. No warding, nothing inside that he could see, just nothing, overall.

It seemed to be a completely ordinary, mundane house.

What the hells.

-

It was tough to set priorities when everything was equally urgent. So it pained Essek to take more time out of his schedule to check on the history of that house again. He’d been over it but with the representative muttering things to him, tainting his perception of everything he read with claims and assessments.

Looking the information over, the house seemed no more interesting, suspicious or coveted than it had before. It had been given from Den to Den over the centuries, mostly standing empty. It had even belonged to Den Thelyss at one point, long before Essek’s birth, before being bequeathed to a different Den as payment for a favor. The ownership claim arose from dubious records of gifting somewhere along the line with documents contradicting each other. It could have been just a clerical error. A bit of a hassle and something that should not have happened, but nothing out of the ordinary. It was just a house that had been handed around as a token of gratitude. Nothing even remotely interesting.

The conclusion Essek was left to draw was that this representative either had too much time on her hands or had an angle that he couldn’t see. Which annoyed him. He returned the records and decided to ask a quick question. The responsible aide didn’t remember the representative inquiring recently. Weird. Essek asked that once everything returned to a state closer related to normalcy, that they not prioritize the property matter. Not at all. He wanted it frozen in its tracks.

Essek knew that he could be overanalyzing it. After all the representative had had a point about political tensions. But he couldn’t help having this property dispute in the back of his mind. He kept mulling it over, trying to understand why in _war times_ someone would find this matter urgent enough to pursue him outside of the Bastion on several occasions. She may not have lied about asking an aide – people forgot things, after all - but she could have sought him out then and hadn’t. She hadn’t sought him out, at all. She had ‘run into him’. For the second time.

-

Essek hadn’t the time to properly hunt for the representative’s motivation, though it was a constant thorn in his side. He was still fraying at the edges. He hoped that freezing all approval processes could earn him a leg up over whatever she was planning - if it was indeed somehow nefarious. He decided against making further inquiries about her – it would only draw attention or, worse, upset her Den – but he instructed a Rosohna operative of his to keep an eye on her. His operatives were under his control and kept on a need-to-know basis. So the one he appointed didn’t ask or judge or give any indication of contemplation when Essek gave her the task.

Hoping that it was enough attention given to the problem for the time being, he tried to submerge himself in his other tasks again.

Returning to his towers that day, he wanted nothing more than to lie in bed and trance and rest for hours upon hours and maybe never leave his towers again. He was usually good under pressure, a full schedule and many simultaneous lines of thought having been his life for quite a while, but he was starting to notice some cracks in his routines.

He didn’t know whether this was to blame on the Nein or not, though seeking and assigning blame wouldn’t change anything, anyway.

That night was another one where he stared at the ceiling of his bed chamber, desperately trying to find the headspace to sink into a trance, and being denied it for far too long. The property matter was barely on his mind at that point. What kept him up was something he wasn’t permitted to deal with. Where he was denied the next step he wanted to take by absence and distance and that grueling feeling of uncertainty.

His almost-fantasies about Caleb at his side had become an unfortunate normalcy. He wanted to call himself a fool and stop but he’d found that he couldn’t. Sometimes he longed for Caleb’s touch, sometimes it was his words, sometimes it was his quiet reserved companionship. But it was always him.

But he wasn’t there. And Essek didn’t even know where he was.

Essek felt stupid. What had he been thinking those past days? That the Nein were obligated to contact him? Jester’s Sending, once a curse, would now have been a blessing. Some nights he feared more for their safety, other nights that they had forgotten him. Still others that they had gone to the Empire and forged a stronger alliance there. This night, however, he feared that they had died. That a Sending hadn’t come because there hadn’t been time or Jester had been tapped. Essek started to wonder what challenge they could have encountered that would have taken them all from him at once. Some powerful enemy? Or perhaps just a poorly planned exploit gone terribly awry?... The Assembly taking it upon themselves to eliminate some unpredictable variables?

Essek felt his guilt grip at his throat. He’d already put them at risk. The Mighty Nein had always been unpredictable and in a close relationship with danger and death. They had been seconds away from becoming heads on Essek’s chopping block, after all. The thought made his stomach turn. But in spite of that Essek felt like his selfishness could have somehow crept over onto them and festered there and taken them down. How? He wasn’t quite sure. A part of him knew that his actions weren’t root of a contagious disease he might have given them. It made no sense.

But rationality had not been a witness to his relationship with any of them.

Thoughts of vacant, dead, blue eyes haunted him. Gods, he’d kill for a Sending.

Hopfeully… just a few more days.

-

The night had provided no reprieve.

Essek wondered whether the other court attendees could see the lack of rest in him. It would not have been a surprise if his exhaustion was anywhere near as evident as it was heavy. He’d stopped cursing himself for his softness for the Nein. He had found the exercise useless and only more tiring than simply accepting it as a fact that he cared and loved and that it was an obnoxious burden.

He probably would have worried more about the summons that had reached him that morning if he had been well-rested and in full capacity of his thoughts. But he wasn’t. He was tired and exhausted and yet he had to be flawless and efficient. Essek couldn’t rest if the Shadowhand had work to do. He found that thought jarring, the separation of himself and he blamed it on the lack of trance as he entered the throne room.

“My Shadowhand.” The Bright Queen greeted in her usual tone.

She could probably see his tiredness. “My Queen.” Essek replied with a simple bow as he always did. Unlike his usual procedure, he did not assume his position by her side. Instead he waited in front of her. “You’ve called for me?”

“Yes. I have tried to find our foreign allies but they appear to not be in their home. This is not the first time I have tried to seek them out. An attempt to Scry on their whereabouts has failed. As you are in charge of them and their accommodations, I wish for you to tell me where they have gone and what quest they are currently pursuing.” She explained. Her voice was steady and controlled but there was an edge to it – familiar to Essek – that spoke of the importance of her inquiry.

And that was the problem because Essek didn’t know. They hadn’t told him anything, hadn’t Sent to him, hadn’t left him so much as a note or message to inform him of where they had disappeared to. He had contemplated using the Lens to track them but hadn’t been given enough prompt to do so and had feared that his intentions could have been misread. He bowed a little lower. “Unfortunately, my Queen, I do not know of their whereabouts, nor of the tasks they are currently pursuing. They have not informed me of either in any capacity.” He righted himself again.

Essek saw a displeased twitch in the Bright Queen’s face, though it vanished as soon as it had come. “I see.” She said and for a moment that was all. She looked at Essek as though her gaze could freeze him to the spot. “Do you think this behavior suspicious, then, Shadowhand?”

Great, a new threat that he could hand the Nein over to. It seemed as though fate was hellsbent on making him sell out those he cared for. Though, at least, he could be somewhat honest with his Queen about this. “I do not. I fear the lack of information was an oversight on their behalf. I must admit to not requiring notice of their next steps from them the last time we spoke. I will see to doing better on staying informed of their whereabouts in the future. But their interests and alliances had not shifted to my knowledge and there was no indication of any kind that they may have changed.”

“Would you vouch for them, then, my Shadowhand? Vouch that they are not betraying us this very second?” She narrowed her eyes at him.

Essek hesitated. He would. He sincerely believed in them. But he didn’t want anyone to think his alliance was anywhere but with the Dynasty. Not because it was the truth but because it was safe. Yet, not providing that level of faith in them could prove fatal for future relationships between the Dynasty and the Nein, if not the Nein themselves. “I would, my Queen. I must tell you that they have been eager to use my abilities for their travels, though they do seem to have the Dynasty’s well-being at heart, as well. I would hope that you would permit me to use some resources to track them down and make contact.”

The Queen regarded him for another moment and each second of her undivided attention crushed a little more air out of his lungs. “Very well. Use your resources at your discretion for this task, I trust you to employ them wisely.”

“Thank you, my Queen.”

That day Essek assigned a decent amount of Lens operatives scout out and search for the location or any traces of the Mighty Nein. Surely, they would find something. Anything to soothe this mind. Just a few more days.

-

He didn’t get much more done that day. Exhaustion called him to bed with an irresistible pull. And though he was normally prone to postpone his rest for work, what aided him in actually going to bed that day was the knowledge that he was too exhausted to get anything done and that this tiredness would only grant his mind permission to wander whenever he’d try to focus it on something.

Mercifully, he was tired enough to sink into his trance without much resistance from worries and concerns.

He rose the next day, feeling a little more rested, though the conversation with the Queen, his many open books and everything else that occupied his mind and demanded attention, lingered in his bones. The days were starting to blur a little and though he could remember when important events like his summons to court had happened, the other matters became harder to trace back. When had he issued which order? When had he reached which spellwork milestone? He was starting to lose his grip on his schedule as things blended together.

It wasn’t just the absence of the Nein that was leaving him in this pitiful mental state. And it wasn’t that burning need in his heart for Caleb, either. It wasn’t even the uncertainty about their whereabouts, the fear for their well-being. It was all of that mixed in with the stress and the turmoil of everything else. His usual tasks slotted in between urgent wartime matters, his priorities shifting, him being summoned to court. It was the worst possible time to have unrequited feelings for someone, really.

Essek groaned as he sat in his study, filling out reports and writing notices and familiarizing himself with important information. He put down his quill, placed his elbows on the tabletop and put his head into his palms. He was glad to be at home where, at least, he didn’t have to keep up appearances. To pretend like he wasn’t coming apart bit by bit.

He leaned back in his chair. He looked at the one standing opposite of the desk.

“You’d make this all at least a little more bearable, wouldn’t you…” He pondered out loud and it wasn’t much of a question. He realized that he’d never really vocalized any of his affections, not even to himself, though he’d been aware of their nature for weeks. He’d tried with Caleb but gotten interrupted. Then he’d tried again but there had been no one to talk to.

He sighed. He’d never needed anyone to vent his frustrations to before. Why was the silence eating him alive now? He knew the name of the feeling in his heart but he couldn’t quite understand its intensity or how Caleb had achieved it.

He glanced at the drawer that he knew the box to be in. That collar he had so carefully purchased. That had sat, entirely unused, already neglected in his desk for weeks. He pulled the drawer open and produced the box and put it down on top of the table. He ran his fingertips over the leather that held the lid shut and for a moment he contemplated taking it out to gaze at it. But he knew that would only provoke unwanted feelings and he was already terribly lovelorn, he didn’t need to also crave Caleb’s intimacy that moment.

He knew that this room was one that that garment would never be used in. Even if Caleb deemed it fine and safe, Essek didn’t feel like risking it. So he picked up the box and left the room with it. He headed to his bedroom. His bed had two nightstands, one on each side, although one was permanently empty. On the side he didn’t favor. The one that Caleb had been drawn to multiple times. Essek knew there was no point in pretending that, if he put it into the empty nightstand it was just because there was space. That he wouldn’t mean anything more by it. He had a perfectly good drawer in his wardrobe that was home to every other dirty little secret he owned. This box, this collar, would be an easy addition. It would be a safe addition. Easier to ignore in there. Easier to forget.

“Fuck it.” He muttered, too tired to overanalyze himself. He opened the empty nightstand drawer and gingerly placed the box inside. If Caleb ever returned, he wouldn’t know why Essek had chosen the location, anyway. Essek closed the drawer, turned the small iron key that had sat unused in the lock for years. He pulled it out and looked at it. “Fuck it.” He repeated and placed it in the nightstand drawer on his side before leaving the bedroom. Mind tethered to the new addition. He couldn’t wait to be able to determine its future.

Hopefully in just a few more days.

-

Another inquest about the Mighty Nein’s whereabouts was soon to follow.

It was even more uncomfortable.

Essek left the home of his mother as he usually did. With his posture straight, his chin held high and an air of absolute confidence around him, while he felt hollow and small on the inside. Reprimanded without words, judged at a glance, compared to everyone else without anyone’s name being invoked.

His mother’s interest in the Nein had been warranted with the gift of the house but it hadn’t made the discussion any more pleasant. Not when Essek felt, even more than he had with the Bright Queen, that the blame was placed on him. His mother had a particular knack for getting through to him, piercing through walls that he’d spent decades building.

So Essek was glad, once again, to be home that day. The wish for company was an ever-present hum in the back of his mind but he managed to push it away into the far corners for hours. It was already late when he leaned back in his chair in the study, a stack of tasks done. Unfortunately, like an ignored wound, the desire to have Caleb in his presence had only grown stronger and it flared up as soon as the distraction vanished. This was no surprise, it was a progression that Essek had become all too familiar with. Looking at the completed work he decided to allow his mind a moment of reprieve. To wander where it desired to go if only because giving it no chance to do so during the day seemed to make the nights worse.

He just wanted him to be okay. Wanted all of them to be okay. He just needed a sign of life. One Sending, one report, one successful Scry to know they were safe. Though, then he would probably still worry about what they thought of him. Whether they thought of him, at all. Ever.

The dire need to confess his feelings had become more of an afterthought to all the other worries and cravings he felt in relation to the Mighty Nein. He still had every intention of doing it but it seemed so trivial when put beside the fact that they were simply missing.

It was a moment of weakness, but Essek got up and meandered over to his bookshelves. He sought out the Dunamancy books, the old and the new, that Caleb had read. His hand hovered momentarily over both options before he put his fingers on top of the old one, tipped it toward himself and pulled it out. He saw the remaining row threaten to tilt into its spot and he stopped it with a small Dunamantic push. He got back in his chair and opened the tome almost reverently.

He wasn’t quite sure what he was doing. But there was a part of him that, thinking back to the shared read a while ago, warmed as his eyes ran over the lines of text. His heart felt a little fuller remembering those gentle moments. He’d been a fool even back then, just of a different variety, thinking that reveling in Caleb’s company had been nothing more than physical attraction. He suddenly wished he’d given a copy, this one or the other, to join Caleb on his journeys. Something from Essek to keep him company wherever he was. Maybe he’d return it with his own annotations if given permission to make them. The thought made Essek’s heart flutter. There was something terribly intimate and vulnerable about sharing one’s thoughts and words in ink on paper. 

He soon came upon the old annotations. He cringed at the sight of them, reading what his past self, a younger Essek, had thought were good ideas. Vulnerable, indeed. Caleb had read these. These first ones, at least. But without judgment, without sneering. A small piece of a different Essek had been put out there to be scrutinized and Caleb hadn’t resented him for it. For all the flaws and fallacies in his musings.

Essek bit his bottom lip. Caleb had preferred to read this copy, knowing the annotations carried no additional knowledge, nothing of value. Still, though he had refused to admit it, he’d preferred this one.

Essek looked at his quill, eyeing it for a long moment. He then picked it up, dipped it into the inkwell and set it down just below the first annotation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah... ?
> 
> Thanks for the beautiful comments and kudos they are very VERY EXTREMELY appreciated!!
> 
> Hey. You. Be nice to others. That's all.


	16. The way things have to be

_Essek noticed another question trapped behind Caleb’s lips and hesitation in his gaze. The tapping stopped. “… if you do not mind the question…” He finally said. “Are there other bubbles? Others like me? Currently? For you?”_

_Essek looked at Caleb for a moment. “Are you asking me whether I’m integrating you into a pre-existing lineup of submissives?”_

_“…Sort of.” Caleb admitted and Essek heard an odd tinge of guilt in his voice. As though the question had been taboo._

_“I am not.” Essek replied easily and honestly. “And I currently have no plans of taking another lover, aside from you, either. I do not have much time for personal endeavors, as you can perhaps imagine. Much less to entertain more than one of these arrangements at a time.” It was a very well-educated guess, as he had never actually tried the balancing act of having multiple lovers. Not that he had much interest in it. He hadn’t even tried the possibly difficult situation of entertaining a single regular lover alongside his profession – not until now._

_“Alright, I see.” Caleb nodded, some of the tension fading from his voice._

_“That does not mean that you cannot engage in another relationship, however.” Essek assured. “During a tryst I demand absolute devotion and loyalty from you, but aside from that you are free to seek out as many others as you like. So long as they do not interfere with our arrangement in any way.” It was a truth that Essek was not fond of, but he genuinely meant it. The thought of Caleb coming to see him after being with someone else or leaving his towers to then head to another’s bed irritated him – even more than he had expected. But Essek was offering Caleb sex, not a relationship. And even then, perhaps only rare meetings depending on the Nein’s travels. Demanding exclusivity based solely on that would be unfair, as much as the controlling part of him wanted to. So he had to deal with the tight sensation of anger in his chest as he imagined Caleb with someone else…_

_Caleb laughed wryly. “I don’t think that will be happening any time soon. But thank you for letting me know.”_

_“Of course.” Essek looked pointedly at his wine glass. “I have no domain over any of your endeavors outside my bedroom.” He added._

_“Understood.”_

_-_

The Mighty Nein were still absent. No word, no notice, nothing.

The Lens couldn’t find anything of value on them, either. Nothing about their whereabouts, no witnesses to where they might have been. Questions about them rippled through the spy network but there was nothing of use coming back. The silver lining, one might say, was that there were also no reports of their corpses.

So Essek was still stuck simply not knowing. And the Bright Queen and Deirta just kept pushing and pushing and _pushing_ the issue with _every_ interaction and Essek thought he might burst soon, or just combust in the middle of the throne room when asked to make a report on the subject. His words changed but their meaning didn’t. They were still gone without any indication where to, he just switched between euphemisms to soften that fact.

Not even being finally free from the guards that had accompanied him could lift his mood. Though Essek didn’t show it, his emotions were growing more tumultuous by the day. Subdued sadness and longing were growing into something more active, something festering.

Something angry.

Essek didn’t consider himself an angry or aggressive individual, though the emotion was by no means unfamiliar. There were plenty of things that bothered him, from the unnecessary fretting over politics to the blind devotion to the Luxon all around him.

But this anger felt different from that. It felt odd and ugly and weird and deep, like it grew from the core of his very being. Essek would have liked to blame it on his mother’s prying. Or on the Lens’ incompetence at finding a group that was as about as unnoticeable as a bright day in Rosohna. He would have liked to say that it was his busy schedule. Or maybe that representative that came to his mind with a crawling uneasy feeling every once in a while. But none of these parties held the full responsibility for this brewing anger in his chest. Not even all of them together could carry the blame for it entirely.

Because he was mad at the Nein, too.

Not because they had the audacity to leave Rosohna for weeks on end, that was well within their rights, after all. But was Essek not worth a single message? Had he not earned, at the very least, a check-in after not being worth their ‘goodbye’? Had they called him ‘friend’ so that he would invest more Teleports into their group, not because they had meant it?

And had that been Caleb’s motivator all along, as well? Had he not a care in the world for Essek, at all?

It was a twisted anger. It was uneasy and draining, a festering, growing thing. And it was powerful.

They had no respect for his position – Fine. They had no respect for the sacrifice’s he’d made for them – _Fine_. But had no they respect for him as an actual person, _at all_? Essek knew he could come off quite cold. Alienating. It was by design. But he couldn’t recall doing something to them that would justify this endless, needless, crushing and murderous silence.

Maybe they were in the Empire, after all. That thought made that brewing thing inside him want to lash out.

They weren’t dead. They couldn’t have been. They were far too capable. For all the reports of the Lens he received that amounted to nothing, he received equally as many about old exploits of theirs across the continent. Things he hadn’t even known. In their absence, still, they proved that they could more than take care of themselves. So where. Were. They.

And why did they think themselves so far above him?

The worst part of it all was that, while Essek wished he didn’t care – That if they didn’t give him a second thought he wouldn’t waste one on them, either – that was the furthest thing from the truth. That door had been opened and he couldn’t close it, again. It bothered him, all of it, much more than it had any right to, _because_ he’d grown to care. They’d pried open his shell, with smiles and warmth and offers of friendship. And now they’d left him there, alone, raw and hurt. They were just gone. Without a word. For a month.

_A month._

The anger clung to that word, feeding off of it. Counting each day of it as another reason to be upset. Each single day a reminder that they didn’t care to contact him. Not even Caleb. Not even fucking _Caleb_ , who never forgot a single _detail_ , had thought it prudent to update him. He had been all tender smiles and soft requests when they were alone but as soon as his back was turned all that was apparently forgotten. Essek had let that man into his home, his bed, his heart, and he hadn’t even earned a sign of life with it. Did Caleb just forget that Essek existed once they left Rosohna? While Essek wondered and contemplated and worried?

Caleb had taken the liberty to say things during their trysts that had made Essek feel like the center of the universe. Essek hadn’t demanded them, hadn’t coaxed them out of him, Caleb had freely, always freely, just added a little more. Given a little more with his words. And now he had just left like that and that was just supposed to be okay? This absence? Essek just had to take it and deal with it? Just be lonely and miserable and cry?

Essek wasn’t one to plead for fairness, the world didn’t thrive on justice, but how was all of that just okay?

So, really, _he_ wasn’t to blame when he invited someone else into his home.

After all, who knew where Caleb had gone or whom he was so busy with?

Essek sure as hells didn’t. And it wasn’t any of his business, anyway. It was outside of their bubble and if Caleb didn’t care much about what Essek was doing or whether he was alive, why should he return the favor? Why honor these horrible, longing feelings if the object of them probably didn’t give a fuck if Essek keeled over dead in his towers? Why nurture these disgusting sensations in his chest by maintaining some semblance of loyalty to such a man?

These feelings had to wither and die. And rot.

And the unaware man that had approached him that day would help him achieve this.

Essek was a known loner. But he was also a known Shadowhand, a known Thelyss and a known single and he supposed every once in a while someone found that those qualities outweighed the former one and asked him out. He could usually tell from a mile away that these suitors were hoping to take a step closer to consecution with him. Or, to at least reap some of the benefits from one of Essek’s more useful names. It didn’t help that he was also considered rather attractive. Years of reclusion had muted advances made on him but every once in a while someone still tried to seduce him or ask him out. And on that day, someone had attempted just that.

This would-be partner was Drow. Essek estimated him to be in his 130s or so. He had attended court though Essek had barely noticed him until their private conversation after. The man had made some truly, disgustingly awful advances that had made Essek yearn for the full brunt of a Feeblemind spell. But it had been advances, nonetheless. And so, on a whim, Essek had invited him home, smothering the part of him that vehemently objected. The part of him that whispered of Caleb’s eventual return. The walk home had been everything but a heated affair, bordering on awkward, really. Essek had entertained calling it off, after all. But he had been angry. _Was_ angry. And he needed something, anything, to take his mind out of his head. Release. Reprieve. Proof that he could still have some fucking control over his life. Proof that he’d still be fine without Caleb.

The bedroom door fell shut behind them and there was no moment for further contemplation before hands were running over clothed angles and Essek focused really hard on not dropping to his feet as he tried to make a somewhat decent show of lust. These hands reached under his mantle before he’d given a thought to taking it off and he found it intrusive but said nothing. His guest initiated hasted kisses. They weren’t bad but not mind blowing and Essek felt himself far too focused on trying to make them somewhat memorable to actually enjoy them. His guest gave him hunger and acted with urgency like Essek was in the process of disappearing and he had to get his fill before it was too late.

Essek didn’t reciprocate this urgent need in spite of having been in the company of nothing but intense longing for weeks. Really, more leisure and time would have made him far more comfortable. Then again, this wasn’t romance or long and careful seduction. This was something quick and easy and fun. Or it was going to be. Once Essek got into it.

“Shadowhand…” The guest breathed out and it was probably supposed to sound really hot but it just made Essek realize that he had no idea what this man’s name was. It started with a D… right? Maybe a T? He had introduced himself but beyond not recognizing a major Den name Essek had completely tuned out his droning while deciding whether or not to rebuff his advances.

The use of his title in this situation also made him faintly nauseous. “Please don’t call me that in my bedroom.” Essek muttered, trying to downplay his annoyance. He pulled away and looked at his new lover. They were on eye-level.

He had flawless purple skin, a shade lighter than Essek’s own. His hair was a very similar shade of white to Essek’s, but long and straight, reaching down past his shoulders. His eyes were interesting, dark like what Essek imagined the void must look like. He was very attractive. His face had a nice structure with desirable angles. He was built a little broader than Essek was and was a bit taller, as well. By all accounts, Essek should find himself want for breath. But he didn’t. He longed for light freckled skin with a myriad of scars and marks and flaws that would never leave. Wished for that hair to be copper and fall into joyous little curves, errand strands swaying with each motion. Most of all he wished that those dark wells instead looked at him with irises of cool crisp blue. Bearing the knowledge of maybe thousands of books, of years of undeserved hardships, of wit and creativity and hunger. To look at him, not just his features. To see him, not just the Shadowhand. “…Alright.” The guest replied.

Essek swallowed, feigning interest with the curl of a smirk and he pushed the thoughts away. Caleb hadn’t earned this. Had no right to be on Essek’s mind, in his thoughts, especially not in that moment. He’d left and he was supposed to stay gone. No more thoughts about him. He wasn’t there and it was his own fault.

His nameless lover lunged at him again, crushing their lips together as he tilted his head. It was a good kiss, all things considered. It pushed and tugged and moved in all the ways a good kiss was supposed to. But Essek just didn’t _care_. He kissed back anyway. He didn’t have to really care about the kiss, it was okay. It was just a stepping stone, anyway. He didn’t need freckles and copper curls and blue eyes, either. He didn’t need little explosions in his chest when he kissed, didn’t need to get lost in infatuation. He didn’t need it. It was unimportant. He could find anyone to fill Caleb’s space in his life.

The stranger started to push toward the bed and Essek tried to gain some control over the motion by gripping at the front of his shirt and tugging. Distant cold kisses paved the way and they eventually landed on the bed, a little clumsily though there was no smile or laugh to be had. Essek ended up below his visitor, who was pushing aside the mantle for more access. Essek squirmed. “Mind if we switch…?” He asked. He thought about reaching into that seductive part of himself that he knew to exist to lace the words with desire. To say something or make some promise to this man of what would await him if Essek got to take the reins. But it didn’t feel right. There needed to be at least some motivation for him to present that side of himself and Essek found very little.

The man stopped his exploration to look at Essek. There was a moment of silence and Essek thought he could read his new lover’s thoughts as he re-categorized Essek in his mind. He felt small and scrutinized. Like what he presented was somehow not what this lover was being given. “Sure.” The reply finally came.

The new position proved a mercy for Essek. He felt more at ease, more in control, more like himself on top of his guest. He undid the clasps that held together his mantle and put the garment aside. His guest didn’t seem to mind the switch too much as his hands were roaming Essek’s form like they were searching for some button to push. Essek bent down to press a kiss into his guest’s neck, avoiding his lips this time to make sure he wouldn’t miss those little bursts of emotion that wouldn’t come. Essek smelled a scent clinging to his lover’s skin. A somewhat familiar perfume, a Rosohna staple. Essek didn’t much care for that, either. He ignored it and pressed a harsh kiss onto the skin, producing a groan from his guest. The sound was nice but Essek didn’t much like the pitch of it. Fuck. He had to stop. He had to seriously stop comparing every little thing to his other, maybe former lover. Of course he would feel distant and cold if he had certain expectations that could not be met at every turn.

He gave another kiss with very similar results. He leaned back a little and his guest shot up to return the favor, one hand on the back of Essek’s head to pull him down and pressing his face to the side of Essek’s neck to kiss it. Essek tried to get into it but his eyes fell on the locked nightstand drawer. He looked at with it spite. Maybe he should ask his guest whether he was into collars. He could probably convince him to try it if he said he really liked it. That would hurt Caleb, right? If Essek told him? It would have to hurt to know that this thing, intended for him, had been used with someone- _wait. He didn’t want Caleb to hurt._

He was released from the grip and the kiss and intrusive hands found the hemline of his shirt and began to push it up as they slipped underneath. Cold fingers pressed against his skin and Essek resisted every urge to squirm away from them. He looked back down at his lover.

It was wrong. It was all wrong. Essek didn’t care. He didn’t _like_ this person. Not in the slightest. There had been no cunning, no wit to his words. His advances had been uncreative and bland, the glint in his eye hadn’t spoken of curiosity and interest, but of lust and ulterior motives.

There was just nothing there. And Essek remembered painfully how the first words Caleb had ever spoken had captivated him much more than anything this person underneath him had said or done. A nice body could be interesting. But a clever mind sparked real attraction. And Essek wished he could just marvel at this man’s shape and be driven by lust because of it, but he felt no interest, no attraction. It had always been this way for him. And he didn’t know why he had expected it to be any different this time, as anger guided his hands and loneliness his tongue. It wasn’t different.

The kisses were bothersome, the hands felt alien and unwanted and the thought of what the both of them were working up to left Essek feeling cold and uncomfortable.

He just had no interest.

He knew, though, what sending this man away would mean. It would mean that he was overly attached to Caleb with no similar feeling received in return. It would mean that he was loyal to someone who had no loyalty to him. It would mean acknowledging that he wasn’t just falling in love with that smart, beautiful, damned Empire wizard, but that he truly saw him as a unique match.

This situation began to irk him more than it already had, though. Even if he was willing and somehow managed to push himself through it, this man, though certainly not right for him, deserved to know that Essek wasn’t interested. Didn’t deserve to be lead on any further or to be drawn into something that Essek was anything but enthusiastic about. Though not to his tastes, his guest had done him no harm and Essek felt his skin crawl at the idea of continuing this any longer for both of their sakes.

“Wait.” Essek leaned back to sit up fully, the roaming hands stopped. “Apologies, I… seem to have made a mistake.”

The guest quirked an eyebrow. His hands remained on Essek’s body, though unmoving. “A mistake?”

“Yes. I thought I was interested in pursuing this, but, er, it appears that I am not.” Essek hesitated for just a moment, then took the wrists of the stranger, giving them a gentle tug as an indication. He started to feel a little anxious and he was grateful for the steadiness that his mother had all but beaten into his voice. He could tell strangers off just fine, he just wasn’t usually straddling them as he did so.

The guest pulled back his hands. “…Oh.” Came the response. Though not even a word, it was ripe with disappointment and annoyance and Essek couldn’t really blame him for it.

He climbed off of his guest, sitting on the edge of the bed instead as he reached for his mantle. “I apologize for leading you on. But I would kindly ask you to leave.”

The guest sat up. “Did I… do something?” He asked, clearly confused by what must have seemed like a complete shift in mood to him. “If I did something and you tell me I can just not repeat that. And then we can keep going?” He offered.

Essek shook his head, slinging his mantle around his shoulders before standing up into his levitation. “I’m afraid it’s nothing you did.” He said looking back at the man in his bed. “I am just not as interested as I initially thought myself to be.”

“Are you sure?” The guest pushed, shifting to the edge of the bed. “If it was the ‘Shadowhand’ comment, I can really just call you something else. You can tell me what to call you, that’s fine.”

Briefly, Essek wondered whether his guest knew his first name, but he chose to ignore that tangent. It’d be very hypocritical to get upset over that. “No, it was not that.” Essek suppressed a sigh. “It was nothing that you did.” He re-iterated.

“What was it, then? You were so into it.”

It was, at least, nice to know that Essek still made for a fine actor. “I simply changed my mind. Again, I apologize for all of this. I have stolen some of your time and created a quite uncomfortable situation for both of us.”

The guest finally got up. “But, er,-“

“Nothing you say will convince me otherwise.” Essek said with a cold bite to his voice, growing more than tired of rebuffing further attempts. “You made advances, I reciprocated, we ended up here and I realized I changed my mind and I will not be changing it back. Now, please. Let me escort you to the door.”

The man eyed him for another moment, then some of the tension in his body seemed to fade. “Fine.”

Essek was relieved. He escorted to the guest with a fixed distance and a thick layer of awkwardness between them. Essek could imagine the ugly rumors this would spawn and he really didn’t look forward to them, but he also couldn’t bear the thought of sleeping with this individual. There were no further attempts at swaying his opinion, at least. As the guest passed through the front door Essek could hear him mutter something indecipherable, perhaps something of exasperation or an insult. Essek closed the door behind him.

He felt a held breath stutter out of him as soon as he was alone again. He sank back to the ground, feet connecting with the stone. He ran a hand through his hair and felt a shiver course through his body.

His chest seemed to be filled with tight knots.

Guilt.

 _Unwarranted_ guilt.

Not in regards to the would-be lover that just left but to the actual one that had left weeks before.

Essek hadn’t done anything wrong. His and Caleb’s arrangement was very specifically, very explicitly _not_ monogamous. And there was nothing wrong with taking advantage of that. Or trying to, at least. After all, Caleb could be entertaining relationships in each city he visited. He could be having multiple lovers in Rosohna, alone. Maybe Drow just struck his fancy. Maybe he was actually extremely aware of what made him alluring and he used it with others like he’d used it with Essek.

Essek pinched the bridge of his nose and snapped his eyes shut. What was he even thinking? Was he making up lovers for Caleb just to be upset about them? Just to justify his actions when he didn’t even have to?

Caleb didn’t even seem the type for a very promiscuous lifestyle – not that Essek would have condemned him for it in general. He had never ventured to find out whether this assumption was true or whether Caleb actually sought out other lovers. He’d never seen or smelled anything on him that would indicate other partners. And, if anything, he’d seemed very nervous about the sheer idea of having an arrangement with Essek in the beginning. So picturing him juggling multiple of those just seemed… off.

More than that, Caleb always jumped on opportunities to vocalize his loyalty and devotion during their trysts. Saying things to Essek that he didn’t need to say, giving him looks that he didn’t need to give. But those words and actions were echoes and winds, nothing reliable.

Fuck.

How did things keep getting worse? Being physically attracted to Caleb would have been bad enough. The arrangement itself had been risky, already. Being in love with him was absolutely preposterous. Having to stew in those feelings with nothing to do about them was Essek’s personal hell. And now he couldn’t even alleviate any of these issues with anyone else?

The anger he’d felt at Caleb and the rest of the Mighty Nein had faded, apparently leaving with his failed affair.

Essek was left, once again, with that dull hollow ache. Only now it was accompanied by searing guilt.

He’d known, deep down, that his aggression had not been justified. But it had been an easy anger. Much easier than the alternatives. Sadness. Fear. Pain.

Essek rubbed his face and finally stepped away from the door. If he tried, he could probably get himself back into that state of perpetual anger. Rile himself up by imagining the Nein happily ignoring him. By picturing Caleb thoroughly enjoying himself with other partners without a care in the world. But it felt wrong to do so, now that he was more aware of his thoughts, to assume these things when there was no evidence. Especially when there very painful, very realistic and harrowing alternatives for the Mighty Nein’s continued absence. The Lens couldn’t find them. And corpses could be hard to discover.

With a deep sigh Essek began to head up the stairs, feeling as though he’d only added more terrible feelings to ignore with this latest mistake. He’d try to bury himself in work, maybe that would help. It was the evening already, so there would be no point in seeking distraction at the Lucid Bastion. He’d have to make do with his study. There was a heavy, weary part of him that instead wanted to find his bed, curl up in it and not leave it for the next couple of hours. Maybe days. Maybe ever. But he’d find the sheets wrinkled and uneven with memories of a recently failed tryst and that thought alone was enough to repel him.

“Shadowhand.”

Essek startled, freezing on the spot. His stream of consciousness halting at the sudden intrusion in his head. For a short, blissful, split second, he thought he had a visitor and that that Zemnian accent was something warm and trusted. But his mind caught up to his wishful thinking and provided the true owner of that voice. Gods. Why. Why now.

“Do you have any information regarding the whereabouts of the Mighty Nein?”

So the Martinet had no idea, either. Essek had assumed as much from the last messages but now it had become explicit. He didn’t know whether to consider that a relief or further cause for concern. “Unfortunately, the Mighty Nein have left no trace of their whereabouts. I do not know where they currently are or what they are doing.” He sent back the reply, hoping that his voice didn’t quiver as much as his anxiety told him it did.

“A shame. We trust that you will deal with them if they return. See to it that they remain a controlled variable.”

Like _that_ could be done. “Of course.” Essek hesitated. “Do inform me if you acquire information about their whereabouts.”

No reply. Essek felt a cool prickling sensation at the back of his neck. No response meant affirmation in their arcane communications. He supposed it was just another net cast over Wildemount to locate the Nein. The silence still made his blood run a little colder.

Essek knew how the spell worked. He knew that, beyond the initial message, the Sender had no access to the recipient’s mind. Yet, a bit of paranoia clung to him. Like he had to be wary of his thoughts and actions. Like his co-conspirators knew, without means or reason, that he was more than warming up to that ‘variable’ they wanted to see controlled.

He shook his head, hoping it would disperse the feeling. It didn’t.

-

It was hard to find rest that night. Like almost every other night in recent weeks.

Essek was exhausted and yet the paranoia fueled his system with undesired energy while haunting thoughts about Caleb and the Nein kept his consciousness spinning thought after thought with reckless abandon.

He was losing his grip and he feared the day when that would begin to truly show. When the Bright Queen would see the frayed edges and cracks, when his mother would see how the son she’d put together was falling apart. When everyone who had ever doubted his capabilities, his person, everything he was, would see that they had been right from the start.

It wasn’t just his treasonous actions. He had faith in his safeguards and contingencies, though of course there were moments when the doubts overshadowed that faith, too.

He felt like he was being crushed from all sides - like there were several swords pointed at his throat and he couldn’t tell which one would lunge first.

His crippling loneliness had made him do something comparatively reckless. It had simmered into anger and triggered a reaction that had become terribly uncharacteristic for him. Rumors would spread and they would draw attention to him that he was so desperately trying to duck away from.

With a sigh, he got up. He wouldn’t be able to get into his trance with his thoughts veering out of control. He went to his study. Something to read could settle his mind. As he entered, he looked at the book on his desk, the book he’d lent Caleb. The annotated one. Beneath it sat a couple of other books of further research. He gave it a sad smile and used the last bit of capable judgment he had to avoid it. He picked a book that was as distant to all of the worries in his head as possible.

He wondered if he’d ever feel at ease again.

-

The next two days were no indication that he would.

He could tell that the failure of a tryst with his guest had unfortunately produced a rumor or two and he hadn’t the time to deal with them so all he could do was pretend he didn’t notice the murmuring and the glances. He was becoming even more busy due to the Bright Queen’s nearing attack on Rexxentrum. He had to make and demand all the necessary preparations. The troops were almost in place and it was only a matter of days. This event had been on the horizon for weeks, but with it stepping closer and closer to the present, it made the day-to-day of everyone at court, not just Essek, just a portion more tense.

“Do you have a minute, Shadowhand Thelyss?” A vaguely familiar voice asked as Essek turned a corner on his way to leave the Lucid Bastion.

He turned around to see the operative he’d assigned to the Den representative. She tipped her head in a respectful gesture. She had approached him once before with an update, speaking of nothing but ordinary, if a little reclused, behavior. “Of course.” Essek gave a small nod. “Let us convene somewhere more private.” He lead her to a more deserted hallway before raising his voice again. “What have you uncovered?”

“Unfortunately, not much has changed since my last report. The person of interest has spent her time mostly at home. The only visitors to the estate were staff and messengers, though I could hear and see nothing of interest being delivered. I did not trail her visitors but they behaved as expected for as long as I saw them, no signs of suspicious activity. The person of interest has left her home only twice since we last spoke. Both times to seek out a store of fine garments.” The operative explained.

“Where is this store located?” Essek pushed, reminded of the unpleasant interaction close to the marketplace. “The Gallimaufry District?”

“Ah, no Sir. Closer to the Bastion and the target’s home.” She shook her head.

Too far away, then. “I see. And those were the only times she left the house while you’ve been trailing her?” Essek pressed.

“Yes, Shadowhand. I am certain of it. If I may speak freely…” She said, not meeting his eyes.

“Please.”

“It appears that the person of interest has been getting ill recently. This information was very difficult to obtain, so I believe she is trying to hide it. I could not find out what ailment she is suffering from, but supposedly it has afflicted her ability to leave the house so she rarely does so. I, er, suppose what I mean is that this notable reclusion is probably caused by that.” The operative explained.

She avoided leaving the house? “Have you any knowledge of when this supposed ailment became a problem for her?”

“At least one and a half months ago, I would estimate. Unfortunately, it is a bit difficult to find an exact number of days as it is based on hearsay and her illness may not be progressing linearly.” The operative theorized.

“Did you see any evidence of this illness on the occasion she left?”

“Yes, Shadowhand. She appeared to be moving with greater difficulty than one would expect, though she evidently tried to hide it.” She added.

Essek felt his throat close up. He had noticed absolutely none of that those past few meetings. If anything she had seemed _more_ chipper than when he’d first met her. “Interesting.” More than interesting. Alarming.

The operative bowed again. “What are my instructions, Shadowhand?”

“Continue to trail her. Relay any new information about changes in behavior to me immediately.” He hesitated. He couldn’t ask her to invade the representative’s home, though he desperately wanted to. His operatives were capable and a Rosohna home was no large challenge, but if she _was_ found out the consequences would be dire. “If you can, see to it that you find out what those visitors do at her home. Let me know if there is any discussion about a property matter.”

“Of course, Shadowhand. Is there anything else?”

“Not for now. If she discovers you, the protocol is as usual.” Essek reminded.

“Yes, Shadowhand. I will return to my post.” She declared.

“Please do.” Essek nodded. He watched her bow a final time, then turn and walk away and disappear around a corner and he knew that if he followed her she’d already be gone. He walked into the opposite direction to exit the building. One and a half months. That was shortly after he’d seen the representative in the Bastion last. Every consequential meeting had been outside of it.

Essek gritted his teeth. He wanted to focus on this more, but his hands were tied with the imminent attack on Rexxentrum and everything else that his Queen had ordered him to look into. This investigation was based on Essek’s private suspicions and he hadn’t told her about it, lest the representative _had_ uncovered something more about him – for example, everything about him and Caleb. He just hoped that his operative would find something useful. Something that indicated why a supposedly bedridden woman had been pestering him on the street.

-

Soon enough, the attack on the Empire’s capital was executed. Essek had… mixed feelings about it. It was inevitable, of course. It probably had been inevitable from the start considering the city’s importance to the enemy nation. The growing suspicion that the missing Beacon was there had caused that particular pot to boil over as rapidly as it had.

That day, the tension in the Lucid Bastion was so heavy that it was almost hard to breathe. Essek was glad he had a reputation for indifference and coldness, it gave him a script for how to act when he felt clusters of nerves and anxiety in his body. He knew the next steps of the plan. They had been discussed with his co-conspirators thoroughly and he knew more than the face and name of his scapegoat. Knew how they’d get him. How he would carry that blame. But Essek’s tasks were dangerous and carefully crafted nonetheless. All threads had to be woven just right for everything to work. And for him and his counterparts in the Empire to walk free.

A thread he hadn’t even considered appeared in Rosohna just that day. A Tal’Dorian dignitary arriving at their court. With clear intent to interfere with the Bright Queen’s plan. She introduced herself as Allura Vysoren and invoked the name of the Mighty Nein, drawing more than one pair of eyes to her.

Essek could tell at a glance that she was a powerful arcanist and tried to keep his distance. Best she never noticed him, at all. She spoke with politeness and an air of honest concern, though she knew when to emphasize her words and to press a little more. Essek listened with interest as she corroborated the Mighty Nein’s claims regarding the Angel of Irons cult.

The Bright Queen turned to Essek then with a questioning, hardened look on her face. The attention he’d been trying to avoid being placed upon him, after all. Allura was looking at him, as well. “What do you think of this, my Shadowhand? Do you believe in the tales that Lady Vysoren and the Mighty Nein speak of?”

Essek felt his heart thrum in his chest and his blood rush in his ears. She was asking for his honest opinion, not something to please, he could tell. His genuine thoughts and feelings regarding those friends that had left him without a word. He swallowed. “I believe them. I have gathered information on this cult they spoke of and it is a real phenomenon that we need to be extremely wary of. I cannot issue an opinion in regards to the ongoing attack on Rexxentrum. But I believe we should put faith in her words.” Essek gestured politely over to their Tal’Dorian guest. “All my research supports her and the Mighty Nein’s claims.”

After another scrutinizing look the Queen gave a curt nod. “Very well.”

And with that, the attack was called off.

-

It didn’t take much longer after that for his co-conspirators to reach out to him with a message. Essek had been waiting for it, though its contents weren’t exactly what he had planned for.

“Shadowhand. The Mighty Nein have been located. They met with us today. Hold off on any actions you had in mind regarding them.”

Essek heard the message but it didn’t register. It didn’t click. They… have been located? They were alive? And there? _In the Empire?_ His mind tried to catch up, tried to process and understand when he realized that he was doing nothing. Response. He had to send a response. “That is good news. I will see to it that all plans regarding them are put on hold.” No answer. There were no plans to be put on hold but his co-conspirators didn’t have to know that.

Essek stared at nothingness. For weeks, for over a month he had been waiting for something like this. A sign of life. Information that they were okay. He knew better than to actually trust anyone from the Assembly, but they had no reason to lie to him. Not about this. So he had this information. And it refused to enter his head. He’d been longing, aching, suffering for this kind of news. But somehow hearing it, it took him a few moments to comprehend and process.

It started to sink in as he headed down the stairs to leave his home. The Mighty Nein were okay. They were back on the map somehow. They were alive. By gods, they were _alive._ Relief rolled over him as he felt a significant weight finally leave his shoulders. They were okay. They were _okay._ They were _alive_!

But they hadn’t thought to contact him. In all their time gone. Not a word. They were alive and okay and they never cared to let him know.

Wherever they had been before, they had gone to the Empire instead of the Dynasty. Not just the Empire, Rexxentrum, most likely. And not just Rexxentrum, but the very people Essek wanted to quietly shield them from. Essek felt his feelings collide with one another. The relief of hearing they were alive, the hurt at being forgotten, the confusion and fear of them visiting some of the vilest people he knew, coupled with the desire to see them be well. The desire to _see them,_ at all.

And Caleb. In Rexxentrum. With his scarred arms and his haunted mind and that admission that someone, most likely in that very city, had done things to him that were unforgivable. Though he wished it didn’t, worry colored Essek’s heart once more. The Nein would look out for him, they would protect him. He was a capable wizard in his own right and it was way too dangerous for anyone to pull anything on a whim due to the Nein’s notoriety. Yet, cursed heart that he had, Essek worried.

Caleb was there, far away. In that place. And there was still that ever-present question of whether he’d return and when.

And if he did, what would Essek do?

Weeks before he had decided to vocalize his feelings to Caleb. To put his cards on the table so that Caleb could see his hand and decide what to do with it. And part of Essek still wanted that. Part of him still yearned for that openness, that honesty. Something genuine, no matter the details of it.

But he was afraid.

He had thought himself to be in moderate control over his feelings when the Nein had been relatively frequent visitors. His desire to confess had hailed from the belief that Caleb would be a regular part of his life. He’d been sure that his feelings would wither away if not watered by a steady flow of contact. But they hadn’t. They say that lovers across lifetimes know the true strength of a bond not because of the time they spent together but because of the time they spent trying to find one other again. Essek hadn’t known what to make of it but now he thought he was beginning to understand.

Instead of being able to forget and get over Caleb he was stuck wanting him more than ever.

So if Caleb rejected him after an admission - If Caleb told him he’d break things off… what would Essek do then? How was he supposed to get over him? How long until these feelings would eventually wither away? They would have to do that at _some_ point, right?

It was a confusing, messy thing to think about. Once again, the number of variables, the unforeseeable outcomes and the unpredictability of it all were a bane to all of Essek’s contemplations. If he came clean to Caleb about his feelings and they continued – what would that even be like? Caleb would be walking on eggshells even if told not to do so, Essek was sure of it. It would undoubtedly make things more awkward if Caleb _was_ seeking out other partners.

Essek sighed. He realized that all these thoughts were based on the assumption that Caleb would even return to him. Which he might not.

-

Finally, after weeks of weaving dangerous threads, the final image was starting to take shape. Essek’s scapegoat, Taskhand Adeen Tasithar, was being escorted to the Dungeon of Penance. Essek could feel his nerves in gripping anxiety and scratching paranoia. Everything was going according to plan. They had captured him, they were bringing him before Essek to be dealt with. He felt no guilt over this. Not even a sliver of regret as Adeen was dragged through the twisting hallways in chains. But he still felt anxiety, built up over weeks and months, that made it difficult to breathe.

Essek did what he had to as he always did. With cruel indifference and coldness.

What bothered him most about the interrogation was that, for him, aside from the superficial show and subtle manipulation, there was nothing to gain. There was no information to be gleamed from Adeen that hadn’t been carefully placed in his mind. No one else knew, of course, so he had to keep up the act, but there were so many things that demanded his time more urgently than a prisoner that would not and could not provide the information Essek requested. Or who would only regurgitate what he’d been fed by arcane means. There was nothing he could volunteer about the Angel of Irons, because he didn’t know. He couldn’t speak more about his treason because he hadn’t committed it. He’d done enough to suffer for it, Essek deemed, but nothing that would actually help any investigations.

Because this information was in his Essek’s mind, not Adeen’s. Because it was the Shadowhand they would have to question, not the Taskhand.

-

Two days of Adeen in custody passed. Essek was glad to have a moment at home. He didn’t _enjoy_ these gruesome parts of his profession. Not in the slightest. They were a means to an end and one that Essek would have rather done without if he was honest. He didn’t delight in someone’s pained screams, didn’t derive pleasure from seeing limbs twisted into odd angles. He despised it as much as the next person, though exposure had made the experience much more bearable.

All in all, he simply found being in the Dungeon of Penance and performing his tasks there to be draining. On multiple levels. And that was on days when his treasonous interests weren’t so closely interwoven with his tasks.

He cast his mantle aside onto a chair as he went to sit behind his desk. His eyes lingered on the annotated book yet again and his mind began drift-

“Guess who's back! We're back at the Xhorhaus. We miss you so much. We need to talk to the Bright Queen, are you around? Ohmygosh-”

Essek stared blankly into the air in front of him, wondering for a second whether he might have lost his mind. Over a month of silence. Over a month without a single point of contact. His mind started to go into a million directions when he managed to pull himself together just enough to form a coherent response. “Well, welcome back, it is good to have you returned. Give me just a moment, please.”

No further response. They were back. They were all back in Rosohna. Alive and having missed him – apparently? – and there and back. Close by. Just a short walk from his home. And from Jester’s tone they hadn’t suffered any great losses. They were waiting for him. They were expecting him. They were alive and back and-

And Essek would see Caleb again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no notes. 
> 
> Thank you for your wonderful comments and kudos they continue to be extremely appreciated!


	17. Now, please

_He took another long sip, looking over at Caleb, who was shoving berries into his mouth. Essek was glad to have regained some measure of control after being almost awestruck by a coat-less, disheveled Caleb. “You did not answer my question, though. How do you feel about magic during a tryst?”_

_Caleb looked at him. “I am… rather curious to see what precisely you would do. So, yes, I think I would like to explore that.”_

_A wide smirk spread across Essek’s face. “Perfect. I assure you I will make good use of our magical capabilities.”_

_“’Our?’” Caleb asked. “Mine, as well?”_

_Essek leaned toward Caleb, still maintaining that smirk. “I would love to test that sharp focus of yours…” Damn. That wine, huh? “There are many … activities that would break a lesser wizard’s concentration with ease. I cannot wait to challenge yours. If you consent, of course.”_

_Caleb nodded slowly, his eyes darting around the room to look at anything other than Essek. The blush that tinted his cheeks tipped Essek off that he’d painted quite the picture in Caleb’s mind. “I-“ He cleared his throat. “Ja. Yes. I trust you to be mindful with the choice of spells.”_

_“I will be.” Essek promised._

_“Would this-“ Caleb hesitated. “Would this challenge include, ah, pain? To… endure…”_

_“If you are calling it ‘enduring’, it does not sound like something you would enjoy. In that case, no.” Essek leaned back, dropping the lustful gaze in favor of something more neutral._

_“Ah. I am sorry, I didn’t mean- I phrased it poorly. I used the word because of the endurance element of what you described before.” His glass set off into another round of pirouettes between his fingertips. “I did not mean to make it sound like I would not like it.”_

_“So you would?”_

_Caleb stared at his dancing glass for a long moment. “… I liked you pulling my hair.” He finally admitted. “That was a little painful. I think firm gripping and pushing and that kind of thing I… I would really enjoy.” The glass halted. “It’s so… so strange to admit that.”_

_“Not at all.” Essek countered. “If it offers some comfort, I rather enjoy the thought of tugging you around. I think I might also enjoy raking my nails over your skin. Maybe sucking some painful bruises into it… How would you like that?”_

_“Just no cutting.” The words shot out of Caleb’s mouth with the speed and intensity of a crossbow bolt. “Ah, I would not like for you to… cut me. Or to make me bleed. Anything else we can try.”_

_The speed of the response had been startling. Caleb had been relatively calm and contemplative about most other things. This was different. This was certain. “I take no pleasure in cutting.” Essek replied calmly. “I would probably not do it if you asked me to, so I am more than happy to abstain.”_

_Caleb seemed relieved but Essek’s mind lingered on that proclamation._

_-_

Several emotions clustered together in Essek’s chest as he headed over to the Xhorhaus.

The walk was short, yet it took him nearly 45 minutes to arrive after Jester’s message. This delay was owed to his attempts to look presentable, him trying to script his words in advance and that little spiteful part of him that deemed a little patience on the Nein’s part to be very justified.

He had hoped to soothe his emotions in the time, but had found all efforts useless as different thoughts and ideas collided and overlapped and dispersed in his head.

He knocked on their door, feeling nervous heat at the back of his neck and his lungs constrain in his chest. He was glad to disappear his hands behind his mantle, so that his trembling fingers went unnoticed. The door opened and he entered and he tried not to let his breath get caught as he saw them all. He barely managed to fight back tears of relief as he saw them. As though only now as he met them, heard them, took in everything about them again, he was fully able to believe that they were alive and well. That they had, actually and truly, returned.

The desire to reach out to them, to make sure that they were tangible, was-

Fjord was in a bathrobe.

-

The reunion was… less emotional than Essek had anticipated. He hadn’t made the mistake of trying to imagine it before for several reasons. But after how nerve-wrecking and painful their absence had been, everything felt a little muted.

They appeared pleased enough to see him, but none of his conflicting overwhelming emotions seemed reflected in any of them. Not even Caleb.

He could not be sure, however. His perceptions may have been rather skewed by his feeling and the fact that they were asking and bringing forth information that made Essek plaster the walls of their home with lies. There was no preamble, they cut right to it – not even a real excuse or apology was offered. Of course, they had summoned him to talk politics. They volunteered news about Rexxentrum and the beacons and Essek replied with falsehoods about Adeen. Blatant lies. Not even omissions or tinted truths. Just lie after lie pouring out of his mouth, hopefully building shields around him. And around _them._

It was not supposed to be difficult to lie to them. And it hadn’t always been. But Essek found himself near choking on his words and doubting every glance directed at him. He felt cornered and threatened although he knew that, for the time being, he was safe with them.

An agreement was reached and Essek escorted Fjord to the Dungeon of Penance to speak with Adeen. That uneasiness and worry was still heavy in his stomach as he lead him, observed what he did and hoped with every fiber of his being that he’d done his job well enough for nothing odd to be discovered.

This troublesome excursion was followed by a tense meeting with the Bright Queen. Remembering her numerous inquests into the Nein’s whereabouts, Essek had no hopes for positive results. So he was pleasantly surprised when the meeting went, all things considered, rather well. In spite of all the hurdles, nothing seemed amiss. This thought gave him a moment of lightness as he and the Mighty Nein left the Lucid Bastion.

But with no further questions or requests, that once again concluded his time with all of them. His supposed friends. He held back a sigh at the realization, his thoughts growing unpleasant and sorrowful once more. He would return to his towers and mull over the day far into the night, depriving himself of rest. Not by any will to do so. He simply had grown to understand this as routine. He glanced at the Mighty Nein as they approached the point where he would turn into a different direction form theirs. They seemed to be contemplating their newly gained information in their own ways. He met Caleb’s eyes briefly. His expression was unreadable.

He looked away. Maybe he had hoped for too much from seeing them again. Maybe he had been too optimistic. Why else would he not feel content? He’d just have to deal with it.

The goodbye was a reserved one. He turned to head home.

“Bye, Essek! You can come by tonight and get some dinner or something, if you want to. We miss you.”

He turned to see Jester’s enthusiastic waving. There it was. The invitation to something more. He wanted to accept it. To come join them. But he was still very busy. And had no interest in being exploited for further information and magic. Not that day. They had made it clear that they could say they missed him without any weight to those words. Because if they had, they would have Sent to him. Or asked him how he had been. Or something. Something other than politics and the Dynasty. Something other than what he was everyday. “I appreciate the offer, I have my own work and research to continue, but well done. Impressive work. Just hope it sticks.”

And he left.

-

He entered his towers only a few minutes later, contemplating his day and his response to Jester’s invitation. Just as he was heading up the stairs, he felt another intrusion. “Essek. We don't know anything about you, we just realized. We should really hang out more.”

Had she learned to read his mind? Essek bit his lip. He felt his heart ache. What was he even doing? He had wanted to speak to them for weeks. And now they were extending a hand once again.

“That was quick. I'm not particularly interesting. Don't like to talk about myself. Don't worry. Just happy to be around.”

But he couldn’t. What if they were going to ask for more favors, how would he feel then? What if they happened to be good company and loosened his tongue? So many variables, so many outcomes and they weren’t his to control.

The instantaneous regret disagreed with his assessment. No further intrusion came. No pushing.

Did Caleb want him there? His heart asked the question as though it would change anything. As though it had any right to change anything.

He headed to his study and tried to focus on something other than his emotions. They had spoken of peace talks. His co-conspirators hadn’t warned him, yet. That could provide some interesting perspectives. His gut twisted at the thought of using this information, granted to him by his friends, to pave his road in secret.

He entered the study. The book sat on his desk. That book. The annotated one that wasn’t Caleb’s, except, if it wasn’t, why did it make Essek want to look away with regret?

He had really wanted to speak to them. And to Caleb. And he hadn’t been able to for weeks. And though they hadn’t reached out, they had been involved in big changes. They had been doing important things. And Jester had asked, very specifically, in her last Sending, about him. His person, who he was. Perhaps it had taken them a little while to notice that he mattered to them.

If that was the case, he was the last person allowed to judge them for it.

-

“Is this a noise complaint?” Beau asked as she examined him.

Essek didn’t blame her for assuming. After denying their invitation twice, she would have been more foolish for believing he’d changed his mind. The decision itself was foolish, as well, after all. “No, it's, it is not a noise complaint. I just, ah- if you would have a guest for dinner, perhaps?”

He could almost feel the mood in the room behind Beau shift with curious eyes peeking in his direction. The change was possibly owed to Jester’s bubbling excitement alone. It warmed that fragile thing inside his chest. Being invited, accepted, wanted. Being treated like this. Truly, he didn’t know why they had latched onto him. But their charming, chaotic existence had awoken dormant feelings within him. And he was tired of disputing or objecting to them. So he got settled in their home.

Without intending to, his eyes found Caleb’s. Essek saw softness in there that he hadn’t been able to see before. Words seemed to be brimming behind Caleb’s lips as they did behind Essek’s. He gave a faint smile, hoping that Caleb would read everything into it that he wanted to see.

He didn’t know when he’d last felt this welcome. A foolish decision didn’t have to be a wrong one, he figured.

-

Though their dinner conversation was tinted with politics and intrigue, it was pleasant. Easy - even for someone like him. He felt readily accepted and cared for as the Nein offered him food and shared his wine and exchanged tales and worries and thoughts. They were all oddly endearing in their own ways and that weakness he’d developed for them seemed to only grow with each traded word.

Essek wasn’t an extrovert. By no stretch of the imagination. Being social wore him out. But in spite of this, he couldn’t say he felt terribly exhausted from them. No, he felt content. Like he’d found a comfortable spot for himself. Like a cat in front of a hearth.

It probably helped that he stole glances at Caleb throughout the entire evening. He tried for subtlety, but with six other pairs of eyes – discounting the familiar – present, he had no idea whether he might have been caught, anyway. Oh well, if someone were to mention it later he could blame it on the wine. Or the fact that Caleb was, very clearly, looking back.

This unspoken thing between them, it was still there.

Essek didn’t know whether Caleb’s glances were suggestive. They weren’t lecherous, but there was something to them that Essek definitely caught. Perhaps the distance had gotten to Caleb, too, after all.

He _did_ know why he pointedly looked away from him as he sat on the edge of their hot tub, feet dangling in the pleasantly warm water. He hadn’t had enough to drink to really affect his senses. But the glimpses he got of Caleb’s heat flushed face and flecks of light dancing over his skin and hair - Well, it confirmed every and any feeling Essek had about the man. And he wasn’t about to let those show to the rest of the Nein.

He realized that he wouldn’t mind a life like this. Away from intrigue, focused on people he actually cared about. He knew he had missed a chance for anything like it, but for just a moment he let the thought linger.

Unfortunately, time marched on with a steady gait and Essek soon found himself unable to further push off the inevitable. Jester offered him to stay a night and he briefly entertained a thought he shouldn’t have. Not with them around. It made him look away from Caleb even more.

He thanked them for the invitation and understated how much he’d enjoyed the evening. He didn’t mention at all how much he’d _needed_ it.

Essek felt his heart leap as Caleb offered to escort him home. It settled right back down when Beau decided to come along.

He didn’t know whether she was sincerely interested in seeing his home or whether she didn’t trust him alone with Caleb – which would have been a very belated concern unbeknownst to her. They made polite conversation that may have veered into the territory of a little more near the end. Essek knew he wouldn’t get to do anything with Caleb. Not with their chaperone. But even if she hadn’t tagged along, it would have been too little time to invite Caleb inside.

He knew what he might have done. He knew that if they had gone alone, just him and Caleb, that he might have done something rash. That he might have taken Caleb’s hand, looked at him with intense longing and intent and told him that there hadn’t been a day without a thought spent on him. That there hadn’t been a worry he hadn’t entertained about him. That he’d longed for him several times and not just to take him to bed. That he’d developed feelings that didn’t seem to wane or wither, not even with prolonged absence. And that, no matter what Caleb thought or felt, that Essek had at least wanted him to know.

But they weren’t alone. And he felt Beau’s eyes on him, watching him like Caleb’s protective sibling. So instead of any admissions, he just went inside, hoping to have left a good impression, at least. Hoping that Caleb might have heard the words hadn’t said and seek him out.

-

It took about an hour after that for Essek’s alarm to trigger. For once, he wasted no thought on who it was. He headed to his front door, unlocked it and opened it.

And without a word, Caleb stepped inside.

Essek closed the door. The air in the foyer was suddenly tense.

“Do the others know that you’re here?” Essek broke the heavy silence.

Caleb shook his head. “They’re either asleep or too deep in their cups to notice. If they question it tomorrow, there is a myriad of believable excuses available to me.”

“Even for Beau?”

“Yes.” Caleb paused. “… I will gladly entertain a conversation with you, friend, but if that is all you want from my visit tonight, you best tell me now.” At that he met Essek’s eyes.

“No, that is not what I hoped for from this visit.” Essek admitted. He understood why Caleb had come. But Essek still felt something else demanding attention. Something that could be said in three words.

But it wasn’t the time. Though they plagued him, he had found methods to deal with these intrusive thoughts about Caleb. He wasn’t sure how well he’d cope with rejection instead. And he couldn’t come apart, not even for a second. Not now, when peace talks were on the horizon, a scapegoat was in his prison and the Nein may be safe from his co-conspirators, yet.

And he plainly didn’t want to risk Caleb leaving. It was a selfish thing, Essek knew. But he wanted him there that night. To stay, to touch, to feel. Wanted him close, even if it was only physically.

“What do _you_ want from this visit?” Essek asked instead. He thought he knew. He was sure he knew. But he’d been sure and wrong so many times that he needed to hear the words.

Caleb’s eyes lingered for another second. Then he lowered his head. But he didn’t stop there. He sank to his knees, sat on his heels and then bent forward until his forehead met the cold stone floor. His hands were planted palm down on either side of his head. “I would ask you… In spite of my prolonged absence…” There was a waver in his voice. “To let me be of use to you tonight.”

Essek swallowed. This was how people begged for mercy in front of kings and queens. This was how they begged for their life. And it was how Caleb begged for Essek’s attention. “You want to be of use to me?”

“Yes, Essek. I _need_ to be, it is my sole purpose.”

“And how would you be useful to me? What will you do?” Essek asked, settling into his role.

There was a pause. “Whatever you want me to.”

“And if it pleases me to let you kneel here like this for hours?” Essek mused.

“Then I will not move until you wish it of me.” Caleb replied obediently.

“And if, instead, I desire to take you to bed and claim every single inch of you?”

There was a visible shudder in Caleb’s body. “Then I will follow you without a word and give you every inch you want.”

Essek swallowed. “You’re just mine, aren’t you?”

“Yes, Essek.”

In spite of himself, Essek refused to push him further, knowing full-well that he would be demanding admissions that Caleb would give differently than Essek would take them. Essek headed over to the stairs and then turned to Caleb. “You are wasting time worshipping my floor, pet. Do you wish to deprive me of yet more time to take what is mine?”

“Forgive me. I do not.” Caleb quickly got up. His gaze remained on the ground as he followed Essek.

The travel was once again quiet - a stark contrast to the landscape in Essek’s mind. Thoughts were racing and clashing against each other. Feelings stumbling over plans and considerations. His heart telling his mind what to do and vice versa. He still felt the urge to turn around and tell Caleb about his feelings. But he didn’t want this to end, he didn’t want him to leave. He would do it. He had to. But not when everything in Essek’s life was as complicated as it possibly could be, already. Later.

They reached his bedroom and Essek headed inside, followed by his lover. Gods, his _lover_. Close and there and wanting. It took mental restraint not to jump on him and kiss him right then. To remain fully in control over his own desires. Essek closed the door with a flick of the wrist. His gaze drifted over the bedroom. It was tidy and illuminated by candles, same as always. He saw the locked nightstand. He glanced at Caleb, who stood with his hands clasped together behind his back and his chin on his chest. They had time. He could… finally collar him.

The thought made Essek nervous. Caleb might not like it. Or find it silly. Or have forgotten about the moment when he’d been enthusiastic about such a thing. Then there was that worry about meanings and implications. Which Essek pushed away. Whether he had retrieved it in search of something representative or just for aesthetics, he _knew_ and was very conscious of it only being used for the latter. He knew it bore no meaning. So it would be fine.

“Undress, pet.” Essek commanded. Caleb started following the order and Essek went over to the unlocked nightstand. He produced a small iron key from its drawer. He gave it a moment of consideration before taking whatever resolve he had and heading around the bed to unlock and open the other drawer. From his peripheral he saw Caleb shoot a curious glance over at him.

Essek turned and Caleb dutifully lowered his head and continued draping his shirt over the back of the chair like he hadn’t been paying attention at all. Essek smirked but decided not to call him out on it. He just let his pet undress in silence. Turning back to the nightstand, he lifted the box out of the drawer. He removed the leather strap before placing it on top of the nightstand, still closed. He wanted to present its contents but he couldn’t, yet. It would have rewarded Caleb’s absence and he couldn’t have that. For the moment, he turned his back on it to get closer to Caleb, whom, he knew, was probably already being driven mad by not knowing the contents of the mystery box.

Caleb placed the final garments that had hidden him aside. He lowered his head and put his hands behind his back again as he turned toward Essek. Essek took the moment to examine Caleb’s form as he drew closer. There were new marks. Remnants of combat and travel, little tokens that tugged on Essek’s attention. Some looked to be fading soon, others would scar and be permanent additions. Essek marveled at them. How they mapped Caleb’s travels and experiences, souvenirs of danger and adventure and life.

He wanted to catalogue each mark in his mind. He wanted to listen to Caleb tell the tales behind every single one – be it a stove burn or a scar from his greatest battle. He wanted to seek out the wounds that hadn’t healed, that went deeper than skin and blood, leaving invisible imprints so that he could soothe them. He wanted-

He was already getting off track. Ruling over his wants was the desire for the bearer of those marks. Who looked so absolutely beautiful dipped in candlelight that he drew Essek’s breath out of his lungs with nothing but his presence. The body that housed that keen, wonderful, smart soul was the most gorgeous thing Essek had laid eyes on in a very long time. Perhaps ever.

And he was unwillingly reminded of his attempt at replacing this person, his lover, and only felt more foolish for it. A pang of guilt hit him and the made the decision to bury it. He didn’t want to waste thoughts or time on something that hadn’t been.

Essek felt overdressed. He wanted skin on skin and to take Caleb to bed without that hassle of a mantle or boots or anything getting in the way. He paused in contemplation.

“Undress me, pet.” He finally ordered, standing right in front of Caleb. He’d never given this particular order, but the thought alone was… intoxicating.

Caleb looked up with what could only have been described as reverence. “You are… permitting me to?”

“I am _ordering_ you to.” Essek replied sternly. “Or do you think yourself above such tasks?”

“No, of course not, Essek.” Caleb’s voice betrayed some excitement. His cheeks were already flushing as he began to examine Essek’s clothing.

“If I find a single wrinkle, I will throw you out and have you beg on your knees to be let in.” Essek added as Caleb’s eyes locked on the intricate clasps of his mantle.

“Understood.” Caleb said dutifully. He lifted his hands with a slight tremble to work on the first clasp. The design was a bit difficult so Essek let him take his time.

Weirdly, Essek was reminded of that uncomfortable memory again. A failed affair. He looked at Caleb, trying to distract himself. But the guilt clung to his bones. Still utterly unwarranted. It hadn’t been cheating. _It hadn’t been._ He was not tied and loyal to Caleb. And yet, the guilt grew with each second of silence, festering and expanding. There was a small snapping sound as the first clasp came undone.

“Orange.” Essek said, causing Caleb to freeze with his fingers on the second clasp.

“Did… Did I?” He stammered.

“You did nothing wrong. I just-“ Essek sighed. “I feel there is something I must share with you before we continue. And I do want to continue. But I must tell you this as someone who made an agreement with you. Not someone superior to you.” Caleb looked at him expectantly. The words felt heavy on Essek’s tongue and his throat closed up. He tried to swallow the sensation away but it remained and for a moment he thought he wouldn’t be able to say it. He fixed his gaze on a point in the air and took whatever resolve he could muster. “In your absence, I invited another to my bed.”

Silence hung between them for a long moment. “… Oh.” Caleb looked up at him, then away and his hands dropped to his sides. His brows knit together with something akin to displeasure but the expression vanished again almost immediately. “Ah, well… That is… That is at your discretion to do, no? We have discussed as much.” Caleb’s voice betrayed him, the tone clearly an attempt at neutrality but failing to sound genuine. There was disappointment in it and Essek felt even worse.

It hadn’t been betrayal, but his feelings deemed it as such. “That is true. But I told you I had no time for someone else when we discussed it, so I wished to clarify.”

“… So you have another arrangement now?” The disappointment grew. Caleb’s posture shifted, leaning away instead of closer to Essek. It was subtle but it was there and it stung but it felt deserved.

“No, no. I sent him away before anything happened. We shared a few kisses, but nothing more.” Essek explained.

“Ah.” Caleb visibly relaxed. “…May I ask why?”

“Why I invited him?”

“Nein, I think I can imagine that part. Why you sent him away.” Caleb didn’t meet his eyes.

‘Because he wasn’t you.’ Was what Essek yearned to say but he knew he couldn’t. Not yet. “I… felt no interest in him, at all.” Caleb shot him a confused look and he felt pressured to elaborate. “I… may have invited him out of, er, spite, rather than attraction. The thought of actually doing anything, however, appeared distinctly unpleasant to me.”

“… Spite.” Caleb echoed and Essek thought he heard a bit of humor in it.

“If you thought me a perfect individual, you have more to learn than I thought.” Essek pointed out, guarded. “You denied me all of this for quite a while without any indication as to whether and when you might return.” He averted his eyes, suddenly vulnerable. “Did you expect me to just sit here and wait like a sailor’s wife?” There was his spite in action, but it was weak and the words were spoken with softness rather than venom.

“I didn’t know what to think or expect.” Caleb admitted. “But I am sorry that we sent you no word. I can offer reasons but they won’t change things. And there is no justification for our wordless leave. I sincerely apologize.”

Essek looked back at Caleb feeling suddenly very… validated. “It is alright. You have returned now.”

Caleb gave a weak nod. “I suppose.” He paused. “I will confess to some relief that you, ah, haven’t replaced me.”

Essek tried to calm his speeding heart. “Indeed?”

“Ja.” Caleb’s eyes were averted. “I, er, would have missed this.” Essek’s heart missed a beat. Nothing. It meant nothing.

‘Me too. I missed this. And you.’ “If it soothes your worries, the man I invited never would have compared to you.” Essek infused his words with lust and seduction so that they might hide the honesty they carried.

“Were they… not a fitting pet, then?” Caleb replied clearly trying to get back into the groove of things.

“Are you looking for praise? For me to tell you you’re special?” Essek mused as he cupped Caleb’s cheek with his palm. “After you denied me for weeks?” His tone was condescending. “You want me to say what a good pet you are? You think you’ve earned that?”

“No, Essek…” Caleb looked down. “Forgive me. I want to earn being good for you.”

“You will have to make up for weeks of disobedience.”

“Please let me. Please use me however you see fit. I will do anything.”

“Then finish the task you were given.” Essek demanded and dropped his hand.

Without further words, Caleb focused back on the second clasp, undoing it easily. He took the mantle from Essek’s shoulders. Essek nodded over to the door to his closet. It was slightly ajar with some clothes hangers over the upper edge. Caleb made quick work of bringing the mantle over. Essek dropped to his feet.

Caleb returned and continued with Essek’s shirt and Essek felt himself failing at indifference. He stared at Caleb’s flushed cheeks as the lacing of his shirt slowly came undone. Caleb wasted no second, though his eyes seemed drawn to the skin he exposed. Essek noted that he loved Caleb taking off his clothes. Being undressed like this while he stood relaxed and held his head high felt immense. But there was also soft intimacy to it. The gentle pressure of Caleb’s hands, the fabric shifting and bending under those slender fingers. Essek slipped out of the shirt with an easy emotion and handed it to Caleb dismissively. Caleb brought it away and returned. He stood in front of Essek and Essek could see him trying not to leer at his now bare upper body and it made him feel powerful.

He placed a hand on Caleb’s shoulder and wordlessly pushed him down, watching him sink to his knees, placing Essek’s belt right in front of him. Caleb swallowed loudly, as though the position alone reminded him of the things he’d been allowed to do before. And possibly, the things he wanted to do again.

Essek deemed Caleb’s distracted gaze rather disobedient. He stretched out a foot to Caleb’s growing erection and pressed the heel of his boot into it. Caleb gasped and his attention snapped to Essek’s shoes. He paused.

“What are you waiting for?” Essek asked with a well-controlled smirk before putting more pressure behind his heel, producing a small groan from his pet.

“Nothing, forgive me.” Caleb’s voice was strangled. Essek pulled his boot away and planted it on the ground in front of Caleb, who leaned down and began to loosen its buckles.

Essek felt a rush, his cock stirring as he watched Caleb on the ground, eager to please. Even more eager to get into his pants. After all the pain and heartache and longing, it was extremely fulfilling to be looked at like that again. To be _wanted_ again.

Caleb moved to slip the boot off and Essek raised his foot to aid him, relying on a small Dunamantic push to remain perfectly upright during. Caleb placed the boot aside and began to work on the other one as it was extended to him. He was quicker the second time, swiftly taking it off and putting it beside the first one.

Essek placed a hand on top of Caleb’s head, feeling his hair threading through the spaces between his fingers, the texture already familiar. Caleb immediately pushed into the touch, his attention leaving his objective.

“Well? Keep going.” Essek chided.

Caleb swallowed. His hands found the buckle of Essek’s belt, his gaze once more fixed on it. Essek could see the tension in his body, the anticipation, the _hunger_. And the difference between his polite behavior at dinner and his absolute submission struck Essek. Just the promise of Essek’s time and his body was enough to make this wizard drop to his knees.

Caleb pulled the leather free from the metallic clasp before continuing by opening the front of Essek’s pants. Essek could feel himself grow harder at the proximity of Caleb’s hands and his pants brushing against his cock. Caleb then hooked his thumbs into belt, pants and smallclothes all together and began sliding them down Essek’s hips, freeing his growing erection. Essek caught Caleb eyeing it for a drawn out moment before looking away. He continued his task, pulling pants and smallclothes further and further down. Essek stepped out of the clothes with as much grace as he could muster and watched Caleb bring away the garments after another almost obscene examination of his body.

Essek contemplated several options. But the path he wanted to take became apparent rather quickly and he knew what he, and consequentially Caleb, would do. Caleb returned to him.

“Back on your knees.”

Caleb immediately followed the command, sitting on his heels, hands on his thighs, as had become a customary position for him. He looked down. Essek waved his hand and let the box on the nightstand hover over to him. He took it into his hands.

“Look up.”

Caleb looked up and keen eyes immediately landed on the new item.

“Do you know that this is, pet?”

“No, Essek.” Caleb said dutifully as curiosity blossomed in his eyes. Essek could almost see the possibilities running through Caleb’s mind as he likely analyzed the dimensions of the box, and the way Essek held it and regarded it to try and determine its contents prematurely. Maybe he had figured it out already and was only playing along.

In any case, it was Essek’s place to inform him. As he tried to summon the words to his lips he faltered briefly. That nervousness curled in his chest again and he found it utterly ridiculous that with both of them naked and Caleb _kneeling_ he still felt any of it. He just had to push on. Caleb had means of objecting and if he didn’t want the collar, Essek would just put it away. “In this box.” He raised his voice, proud of the steadiness and control he found in it. “Is a collar.”

It would have been easy to miss the glint shooting through Caleb’s eyes. But Essek had been looking for it and it was decidedly there. Caleb looked like someone who had seen the prize they were after for the first time, like a beast setting sights on prey. There was a spark, a want and Essek felt relieved and enticed. Caleb said nothing, however. Ever the obedient pet he held his tongue and let Essek fill the space with words.

“If you’re good tonight and follow my orders, I might just decide to put it around your neck.” Essek continued to hold the box, not even toying with the idea of opening it, knowing how much Caleb wanted him to. “Unless you’re not willing to put in the effort, after all this time?”

Caleb dropped his gaze to the ground again. “I wish to put in all the effort I have, Essek. I will do anything you ask of me to earn this… this…” He seemed to search for words. “This honor.”

Essek swallowed hard. _Honor._ It was an _honor_ to be collared by him. “You leave me for weeks and now you crave my collar around your throat?”

“Yes, Essek.” Caleb admitted.

“And why do you want this? This _honor_ as you say?” Essek coaxed.

Caleb took the liberty to look back up at him. “Because I want to bear a mark of yours. Because I, selfishly, want to be signed, to be _designated_ as yours. I want to feel your collar around my throat while you use me how you like as a reminder of my place. Because you will look at me and see that sign of ownership and I hope that it will please you to know that there is no inch of me that doesn’t belong to you.”

Poetry was still definitely an avenue that Caleb could pursue, in Essek’s opinion. “What will you do for this privilege, pet?”

Caleb met his eyes with determination. “Anything.” The word slipped out heavy with need and lust and honesty.

Essek felt that moment how much he loved what they had. That Caleb could say, honestly, that he’ll do anything, knowing that Essek won’t push his boundaries. He thumbed over the seam in the wood where the top connected with the bottom, and he could see Caleb’s eyes following every miniscule movement. “You better prove that.” Essek said sternly. “Stay.” He ordered before heading over to his nightstand to put the box on top.

Delight teased his nerves as he opened the drawer once more to produce another key. There were so many possibilities now that Caleb had agreed. He glanced at Caleb, who was still kneeling, gaze on the ground, already hard from being allowed to strip Essek and from learning about the prospect of the collar. Essek’s gaze landed on his erection and he decided that he _really_ wanted it inside of him.

Essek retrieved a few items, noticing Caleb glance over at the sound of the drawer but once again quickly turning away as Essek caught him. “What a curious pet I have…” Essek mused, sounding almost absentminded and not addressing Caleb directly. He made no further reprimands, understanding that, while Caleb was curious, he also carried this desperate need to know what was happening, which Essek was more than certain hailed from something more sinister. So he allowed it.

He placed the bundle of items next to the bed and left the drawer open in case he felt the need to levitate anything over. “You will serve me differently today.” Essek said and he got settled on the edge of the bed. “Over here.”

Caleb crawled over to follow Essek’s command and knelt in front of him. After a moment he looked up with apprehension. Essek produced a vial of oil from his nightstand and held it out. “Open me up.”

Caleb stared blankly at him as he accepted the vial and Essek could see realization form on his face as his mouth opened slightly, his eyes grew a little wider and his blush a little darker. He bit his bottom lip briefly before he catching himself and nodding. “Yes, Essek… I will- Please- Thank you.”

Essek wasn’t entirely sure whether that verbal journey had ended up where it had been supposed to go but he didn’t push it. He leaned back on his bed, propped up by his arms and angling himself in such a way as to give Caleb access.

Caleb fumbled with the vial for a moment, visibly nervous, before finally removing the stopper. Essek smiled a little to himself. Caleb’s nervousness and fumbling were just so… real and endearing. His eagerness to please, no matter if it was because of his subspace or some liking of Essek, was delightful.

Caleb coated his fingers in oil before leaning in close. Essek pressed his lips together tightly lest he make a most undignified sound as he felt Caleb press against his entrance. He teased at it for just a moment – but gods, it was a long moment – before pushing in. A small sensation of pleasure hit Essek. And he thought he should have done this way, way sooner. He observed Caleb’s extremely focused gaze for another moment before allowing his eyes to slip closed.

He hadn’t let anyone do something like this to him in a while and he could tell that Caleb was struggling a little with the tight fit, but he made it work. Essek focused on the feeling of the finger slipping into him, taking in the sensation of each knuckle and each barely noticeable movement. The way Caleb then curled the digit inside of him, Essek could tell that he wasn’t just being industrious, but aiming to please.

Essek hooked one of his legs over Caleb’s shoulder and he angled his hips a little more. He felt his muscles tense as Caleb moved his finger in thrusting and curling motions. Soon, a second one joined. Essek opened his eyes to find Caleb looking up at him in search of approval but he must have already found it as he averted his gaze again.

Caleb’s fingers were long and graceful. Perhaps the most graceful part about him. Essek had seen them weave intricate arcane symbols into the air, had seen them toy with small objects in need to keep busy, had seen them flip pages and create the most illegible but quick notes and it was absolutely miraculous that he hadn’t demanded them inside of himself sooner. They curled and twisted and shifted and Essek loved every second. Not just because of the pleasure or what they would lead to, but because the fingers were Caleb’s. His smart, beautiful, clever, outlandish, perfect wizard was opening up him with eager fingers and Essek wanted _more_.

He reveled in the feeling for a little while longer, letting Caleb prepare him properly, before he realized that it was turning from necessity into pleasure alone. “That’s enough.” He choked out and Caleb immediately halted his movements. Essek had to will his body to relax so that those perfect fingers could slip out. His pet looked up at him and Essek sat up straighter, feeling his insides pulsating and missing the contact. He planted a palm on top of Caleb’s head. “You did good.” He praised and he didn’t miss the smile tugging at Caleb’s lips. “Do you have your component pouch with you, my pet?”

The faint smile turned into a line. “… Always, Essek.”

“Of course you do. My pet is too smart to be unprepared.” He withdrew his hand. He didn’t know where the praise was coming from, exactly - whether it was from the hot pulsating sensation inside of him, the well that held all his love for Caleb or some other place but he noticed Caleb avert his eyes almost abashedly whenever a word of praise was uttered. So he felt no need to stop. “Tell me, pet, what spells can you cast today that will require your held concentration.”

Essek’s plan seemed to dawn on Caleb as he froze. “I, er, have a spatial Illusion. I can… still cast it multiple times today.”

“Perfect.” Essek smirked. “Retrieve the components for it.” He saw Caleb hesitate. “They will be safe and unaltered by the end of this.”

Caleb nodded. He headed over to the chair that held his belongings. Essek turned away to prepare something of his own, sorting through the bundle beside the bed to produce 4 lengths of rope. They were dyed a dark, passionate red, standing out against Essek’s purple-blue sheets.

“Get on the bed.” Essek commanded as Caleb approached, a small piece of fleece in his hand. “On your back.”

Caleb followed the command and Essek plucked the fleece from him and gently placed it on the nightstand. It was a cheap thing, easily replaced, but it was Caleb’s and Essek would give his lover no reason for concern about his belongings. He flicked his wrist and one of the lengths of rope snapped into his hand.

He noticed Caleb’s eyes fixed on him as Essek performed this little trick and it was exhilarating to see Caleb interested in such a small show of his power. Essek moved over to one of the corners of his bed. “Wrist.” He demanded and he could tell as Caleb’s mind honed in on what he was about to experience. Without hesitation, Caleb offered up his hand. Essek began to loop the rope around the bedpost beside him, tying a knot before looping it around Caleb’s wrist to unite the two. He checked he tautness, pleased with his results. “Try to free it.”

Caleb nodded and started to tug against the restraint but to no avail.

Essek repeated this process for Caleb’s other wrist before moving on to his ankles. He left some rope in between the ankles and bedposts as was necessary to make the restraints work. Once he’d tied down all of Caleb’s limbs he looked his pet over.

Caleb’s pale, gorgeous, marked skin was outlined by the dark purple of Essek’s sheets. His head rested on a pillow and his chest was rising and falling heavily, but not enough to give Essek reason for concern. Essek gazed at Caleb’s hard, wanting erection, feeling his own need almost unbearable at the sight of it. He felt it in his chest and his gut – this desire to lurch forward and take and claim him. To feel skin and friction and need and heat. But not yet. They had time, finally, and Essek intended to use it to its fullest.

“Look at you.” He teased, acting far less interested than he felt. “Helpless and restrained.” He ran a hand up Caleb’s thigh and felt the shiver under his palm. “Just mine to use, aren’t you?”

“Yes, Essek.” Caleb breathed out as though the touch was already setting him on fire.

“You said you would do anything for me. Anything to get that collar around your pretty little neck.” Essek mused. “You say that like an offering but all you really want is for me to fuck you so that you can get off like the selfish pet you are. Isn’t that right?”

Caleb swallowed. “Yes, Essek, please fuck me.”

By all the gods and planes and heavens and hells, he wanted to. He wanted to take Caleb in every imaginable way until there was nothing left for them to explore. For now he wanted to feel him in a way he hadn’t before, buried deep within himself.

But his plans went beyond that. And if he wasn’t going to take Caleb right away, he might as well prepare him during everything else. So he took a hard tear-shaped object with a wide base from the bundle he’d prepared. “Later.” He said curtly before taking a vial of oil and emptying it over the item. Though he didn’t make a point of presenting it, he gave Caleb ample time to look at what he had in his hands and to object should he not want it. No such objections came. So Essek used a bit of Dunamancy to lift Caleb’s hips. And without much preamble he gently started to push it into Caleb’s entrance. Caleb moaned and writhed against his bonds in response immediately.

“Gods-“ He choked out.

“They are not the ones you should be appealing to.” Essek said with a deep rumble in his chest. He slipped the plug in slowly and carefully, watching out for Caleb’s expressions as he did so. He continued to push it in – carefully and slowly - as far as it would go. Caleb shifted his hips and Essek looked at his face again to discover and expression of pleasure as that keen and curious mind seemed to take a backseat to simple physical delight.

Caleb’s cock twitched and Essek noticed a desire to take it into his mouth. But he already needed Caleb to hold out long enough. That, and Caleb _certainly_ hadn’t earned that kind of treat.

“Your face is already twisting with pleasure and I’ve barely touched you.” Essek teased.

“Forgive me, Essek…”

“Should I undo one of your bonds so you can just take care of your dripping cock yourself?” He asked, the tone hostile.

“No, please… Keep me like this… I need you to touch me, I need your hands on me, please.” Caleb begged.

“Touch you…” Essek pondered out loud, he took yet more oil to slick up his palm. “Like this?” He wrapped the hand around Caleb’s cock.

Caleb jerked at the touch, back arching and immediately hitting the sheets again. “Yes…. Please… more…” Essek smirked as he drew out moans with a few pumps. Before withdrawing again immediately, satisfied with how slick Caleb was for him. Essek prestidigitated his hand clean.

Almost ready. Just a few more steps and this would be _perfect._ He moved to his nightstand and took the fleece from it and placed it into Caleb’s hand. His fingers curled around it immediately. “You only need to speak for the initial casting, correct?” Essek asked, eyeing the gag he’d retrieved.

“Yes, Essek.”

“Good.” He took the gag. “Remember, pet, how a while ago I promised I’d make you see stars?”

Caleb nodded.

“Did I succeed back then?” Essek cooed.

“Yes. You made me see more stunning things than the skies ever could.”

Essek smirked. “Well then, use your little illusion spell-“ It wasn’t _that_ little, actually. “- and return the favor, will you?”

Caleb nodded. Gripping the fleece, his gaze became more focused again and he muttered a few arcane words. Instantly, the spell flourished and he summoned what looked like a galaxy directly around them. Celestial bodies of different types and sizes littering the space around them, made to look as though uncountable miles away. Essek’s breath got lodged somewhere between his lungs and his mouth. It was, quite frankly, much more stunning and astounding than he had anticipated. Stars twinkling and what looked like distant planets shining in various blues and greens and purples. This was … extremely romantic, which he _should_ have predicted, but hadn’t. Did… did Caleb just make a shooting star appear?

“Good pet.” He cooed, downplaying his amazement. He placed the gag in Caleb’s mouth and fastened it behind his head. “You will maintain this spell until I allow you to dispel it or until it runs its course. Snap for me.” He tried to get back into the moment, still taken aback by the arcane stars around them.

Caleb snapped his fingers in the hand that wasn’t clinging to the fleece. Essek leaned over to take the component from his hand and return it to the nightstand. He worked rather quickly to avoid wasting seconds of the spell’s duration. He shuffled over to Caleb’s hips and swung a leg over him, straddling him.

“You will keep up this spell. It should be a good distraction from your own pleasure as you are not allowed to finish. Understood?”

Caleb nodded and gods wasn’t that just a gorgeous sight with his mouth completely stuffed and useless.

“If you do this for me and do it right and good and the spell lasts with you, I will reward you by collaring you.” Essek announced and Caleb’s nodding grew more enthusiastic. “Good pet.”

Essek moved into a better position, his knees digging into the bed on either side of Caleb’s body. He reached down to take a hold of Caleb’s erection and noticed Caleb jolt at the contact. So sensitive.

“If you think you can’t contain yourself any longer, snap your fingers and I will stop moving. I don’t want your filth in me.” _That_ was such a blatant lie. “Keep snapping if you need me to remove the gag so you can speak.”

Caleb nodded again.

“Good.” Essek lowered himself, anticipation bubbling in his gut as he aligned Caleb’s erection with his entrance. He could feel himself aching, needing, yearning for the contact. The tip of Caleb’s cock connected and immediately Essek felt himself twitch, his own need having been bottled up and shelved for way too long.

He took in a deep controlled breath before lowering himself further, feeling Caleb’s length push past the initial boundary and into him. Caleb shifted against his restraints as a low, muffled moan in the color of his voice filled Essek’s ears.

Essek slid himself further and further down until he was fully sitting with his lover buried deep inside of him. He looked down at Caleb and a surge of affection accompanied the thick haze of lust. It wasn’t just pleasure that he had craved, it was closeness and intimacy and feeling him so deep inside of himself, Essek found the emotion of it almost overwhelming. It didn’t help that Caleb was looking up at him, cool blue irises contrasted by copper and flushed cheeks, his need visible within them. And it didn’t help, either, that Caleb was entirely framed by a fake night sky that he’d placed in between and all around them and Essek cursed and praised himself at the same time for demanding this.

Later; there would be time for emotion later.

Essek raised himself on Caleb’s cock and the response in his lover’s body was immediate. Essek moved slowly at first, and he found that the eye contact with Caleb barely faltered. He closed his eyes to suppress any further surges of love and focused on moving. He rolled his hips in a controlled pattern and allowed himself a groan. He began to introduce speed and his hand took a hold of his own cock, slick with precum, and he started to pump himself as he moved up and down on Caleb.

He opened his eyes to find Caleb hungrily eyeing him but then his spell flickered and he shut his eyes, presumably to focus. Essek noted how pretty his eyelashes were. The spell flickered again as Caleb let out a particularly loud moan into the gag and Essek made sure to try and copy the movement that had provoked that sound again and again. He swallowed heavily as he allowed his own noises to join Caleb’s, reveling in the dual pleasure of his hand around himself and Caleb inside of him.

He paid attention, as much as he could, to the shifting tensions in Caleb’s form. To the way he squirmed against his restraints and shifted underneath him as he clung to his self-control. Essek observed how his eyes closed and opened with the rush of pleasure, how they switched between focusing on the ceiling, to taking in all of Essek, to looking about the fake stars directly around them. Eventually, Caleb’s hips jerked upward in an involuntary, primal motion and Essek loved the sharp sensation of it far too much to berate him for it.

That, and Caleb was bound, gagged, fighting to hold in his climax and focusing on a spell that kept flickering. Essek would grant him an involuntary thrust or two.

Essek had reached a rapid speed, his thighs connecting with Caleb’s hips quickly and again and again and again. He could tell from the shifting underneath him that it wouldn’t be long before Caleb would either disobey or start to snap his fingers and Essek was in no better state. It became harder and harder to coordinate his movements, much more to do so while maintaining some semblance of control. He felt his senses of logic start to leave him, replaced with growling desire. _More._ More of this. More and forever. Never stop. Just closeness and heat and friction and pleasure. With him, with Caleb. With this wonderful, attractive man beneath him. Gods, how he’d longed and craved and now he had it and he wanted more. Caleb wouldn’t leave his towers that night. He wouldn’t be able to with the state Essek would reduce him to.

_Snap._

_Fuck._

Essek looked down at Caleb who was looking back intently. It took Essek a lot self-restraint, but he slid down to sit on Caleb’s hips again, Caleb’s cock still deep inside him and he looked back down at his lover, who gave him a nod. It was okay, this would work.

Pleased that he was still filled with Caleb he continued to jerk himself, pumping his shaft up and down and it was only a few more seconds before his loud unbridled moan ripped through air and he came onto Caleb’s body. He resisted the urge to roll his hips to ride it out, instead just tugging at himself until that heavy haze began to settle in. Essek panted, barely managing not to crumple forward as he bathed in the feeling of release and climax, hazy pleasure filling his mind. He looked around at the still-existent imagery of stars and galaxies. He looked down, Caleb was still flushed and tense and surrounded by the stunning illusion of his own creation. Essek’s logic remained absent, mind drifting, untethered, and he leaned forward, pulled the gag out of Caleb’s mouth more roughly than he intended and planted a kiss on his lips.

It was a heavy, longing thing. But there was no fire or urgency behind it. It was soft and affectionate but deep. Essek pulled away after a moment and Caleb stared up at him with those crisp irises and he was bright red and sweaty and just so pretty, pretty, pretty and Essek wanted to commit this image to memory so that he’d never forget it.

The stars vanished. That was okay.

Essek sat up and willed his body to relax more to slide himself off of Caleb. He got onto the bed in between his legs and briefly looked at Caleb’s very swollen, red erection. He felt impressed with Caleb’s determination.

“You’ve done well, pet.” He cooed as his senses returned to him. He reached out and trailed a single finger over Caleb’s hot cock. Caleb immediately tensed and writhed at the contact. “Do you think you’ve made up for your absence?”

“No.” Caleb said, his voice short of breath, the gag now resting on his throat.

Essek quirked an eyebrow. “No?”

“I have not made up for anything until you deem it so…” Caleb explained, his voice strained. “I haven’t earned a single thing until you say I have.”

Essek smirked. “So you haven’t earned that collar, either, then?”

“I have no right to make that decision. That is alone yours to make, Essek. Every piece of me is for you. How you treat them, whether you mark them or collar them or use them is for you to decide. Every inch of me only has the purpose you grant it.”

A fluttering sensation spread through Essek’s body. Subspace or not, it was a powerful confession and it made Essek want to do all sorts of things. “So you haven’t forgotten your purpose, then.” Essek mused, trailing his fingertips over Caleb’s thighs. He hesitated, then leaned down to press his lips against Caleb’s skin, which was very hot to the touch, and sucked. He’d been meaning to replace the bruises that had had the audacity to heal into nothingness. He’d meant to do it weeks sooner.

Caleb hissed at the contact. Essek sucked a little harder and the hiss turned into a moan. Essek bit into the softness of Caleb’s thigh and the moan became louder, deeper. Essek looked at Caleb’s face, but as he was searching for his eyes he found them focused on something unseen miles away.

“Pet?”

They snapped back into the moment. “Yes, Essek?”

He was fine. Everything was okay, he was fine. “I will make sure that no one on this fucking planet can touch you without seeing that you’re mine.”

Caleb shuddered. “P… please… please do so…”

“I will bite you and suck on you and bruise you and you will walk with the sting of these marks so that you know whom to return to. So that you will never forget to send a message again.” Essek continued, the words coming out before he had a chance to filter them.

Caleb’s cock stirred again, more precum dribbling out and Caleb squirmed. “Please.” Caleb begged. “Please mark me. Claim me. Ruin me for everyone else.”

Essek swallowed loudly, gripped by several emotions at once. By gods, Caleb was fucking a wordsmith. Essek bent back down to Caleb’s thighs and made good on his promise. He started by sucking. Little red spots, future hickeys, into Caleb’s pale skin. He let his breath ghost over them and Caleb shuddered and then he went in for the kill. He drove his teeth into Caleb’s thighs, hard enough to hurt, to where he felt Caleb squirm and heard a ragged moan, but not enough to pierce the skin or draw blood. Enough for a painful little reminder. He left possessive hickeys and bite marks, ensuring time and time again that Caleb was enjoying himself.

He left Caleb’s thighs as a mess of spit and redness and indentations. He looked up at his lover and he still wanted _more._ He climbed on top of him, arms and legs on either side, and dipped his head down to the space just above Caleb’s collarbone and he pressed his lips against it and sucked.

“Orange.”

 _Fuck._ Essek lifted his head to meet Caleb’s eyes.

“I…” Caleb gasped out, his words weren’t articulated as well as usually, he slurred some of the syllables. “I sincerely want you to do that, but I won’t be able to hide that for long.” He explained.

Ah. Yes. Rationality. That had been a friend to Essek once, too. Essek wanted to say that he didn’t care anymore, that everyone should know what they were doing, but remembered that he knew better. “Right. Of course.” Essek felt his cheeks flush in embarrassment as his need had clearly overwhelmed his capability of reason. “I will… refrain from doing that. Anything else?”

“No.” Caleb averted his eyes. “Please use me...”

It was amazing how easily Caleb could drop into his role sometimes. Essek noticed that the gag he had removed was still hanging around Caleb’s neck and he decided to take it off. He placed it aside but didn’t look away from Caleb’s throat. His fingertips brushed over it. “Well, if I cannot mark you with my teeth…” He pondered out loud and looked over at the box.

Caleb followed his eyes and bit his lip.

“And you _have_ been holding out so well….” Essek found Caleb’s gaze and held onto it. “I think you’ve earned what I promised you.”

Essek shifted over and started to untie Caleb’s wrist from the bedpost. His heart was hammering away in his chest. He used the time it took him to undo the bindings to soothe his nerves. Caleb would see what he’d thought of for him. He’d see it and if he still wanted it then, it’d be around his neck.

Essek shifted to the other tied wrist. It meant nothing. It didn’t. Essek was fully aware that it _could_ but because they hadn’t agreed on any meaning it didn’t mean anything. That was fine, he didn’t _need_ it to mean anything. Maybe he would have _liked_ it to, but it didn’t and that was okay.

He moved on to the first of Caleb’s ankles. His expectations of Caleb were not going to change. He was not going to demand exclusivity because of a collar. Or more loyalty. Or anything, at all. So it was going to be fine. Even if Essek’s heart would undoubtedly flutter at the sight of it, more so than it already did at the thought.

He moved on to the last binding. But that was okay, too. For the time being it was going to be okay for him to just think his part and feel his part as long as he didn’t expect anything from Caleb. As long as he knew that Caleb didn’t reciprocate. As long as he expected nothing in return for the collar.

All the binds were off and Caleb immediately relaxed more, though his still very existent erection appeared to be a constant source of distraction.

“Get up and kneel on the bed.” Essek demanded. Caleb nodded and shifted and then _moaned._ Essek realized that there was still a plug inside of him, possibly shifting in perfect little ways with each motion. Gods, the thought alone summoned more heat to Essek’s gut. He observed as Caleb’s body twitched every which way while he re-arranged himself to follow Essek’s order. He managed to kneel.

Essek moved to sit behind him. “Wrists.” He demanded. He was operating more on lust than on plans and his need dictated that it’d be perfect if Caleb’s wrists were tied while he was being collared. Caleb obediently presented his wrists at the small of his back and Essek took one of the red ropes and used it to tie them together with ease and skill. He finished them with a little bow.

Essek shuffled back around to look at Caleb and yes, the sight was already delightful. Caleb’s body was still flushed with arousal and need, there was cum speckled over his torso and his leaking erection pressed against his abdomen. The light was dim but every once in a while the flicker of the candles was visible as shadows and light danced across Caleb’s skin. It was utterly _ridiculous_ how attractive he was. Essek was mystified by how one man alone could be so beautiful, so entirely breathtaking to him.

With an arcane gesture Essek levitated the box over to himself quickly, watching Caleb’s eyes follow each movement as though the act of casting itself was attractive. The box landed in Essek’s hands. There was a potent moment of silence as Essek stared at Caleb, who bowed his head in submission. “Do you want this? Truly and fully?”

“Yes, Essek.”

“You want me to put this collar around your neck?” Essek pushed.

“Yes, Essek, please… designate me. Please… yank me around by it if it strikes your fancy. Please… Bitte…”

Essek smirked. “But you haven’t even seen it. What if I’ve carved insults into it? What if it designates you as my slut?”

“Then that is what I deserve to be.” Caleb said resolutely.

Essek felt his heart flip at the complete and utter _devotion_ Caleb portrayed. “And if I enchanted it? If I had it make you do all sorts of pretty things?”

“Then I will do all of that for you.” Caleb said. He risked a glance up to meet Essek’s eyes. “Designate me, Essek. I will take all consequences and implications. Allow me this privilege. Own me…. Please…”

It was hard to tell whether Caleb was entirely controlled by his need or whether there was some semblance of genuine emotion to his words but Essek’s heart decidedly did not care. It fluttered at these admissions, the devotion, the loyalty. “I will claim you and you will be mine.”

“Yes, Essek.”

There was nothing else to be said, no further preamble, no further explanation. Light and Luxon above, he was going to do it. Essek turned the box toward himself and opened the lid. He marveled at the collar, feeling heat in his cheeks. Caleb lowered his head again and Essek lifted the collar out of the box for the first time before putting the box aside. He then held it out to present it.

“You may look, pet.”

Caleb raised his head and his eyes landed on the garment. They widened a little and his mouth opened as his cheeks flushed even darker.

It was not an ostentatious thing, by any means. It was soft leather, dyed in a very dark purple. All around it was thin silver stitching, portraying decorative patterns that looked like arcane circles though they were not enchanted. Another line of thread, in a lighter more prominent silver, ran along the sides of the collar, just a hair away from each edge. The inside of the collar was dyed black with red stitching of a similar arcane pattern, hidden away when worn. The buckle was fine. A thin silver metal that curved and came to a tip, almost shaped like a leaf. The other piece of metal that adorned the collar was also thin and looped around the strap in a single straight line.

Though the colors reflected Essek’s place of origin much more than they did Caleb’s, the style was overall neither very Xhorhassian nor Imperial and that had been very important to him.

“It’s… beautiful.” Caleb muttered, gaze still lingering.

Essek relaxed a little. He gently unlatched it and leaned forward. Caleb leaned in to accept it, his eyes cast downward. The whole thing felt… oddly ceremonious. But it meant nothing. Essek started at the back of Caleb’s neck, pulling the collar around to the front on both sides. He freed Caleb’s long hair so it was not trapped underneath the collar. Caleb tilted up his head to bare his throat and Essek slid the leather strap into the metal buckle right in front of it. He tugged and pushed the small metal pin to one of the holes. He pulled the excess leather tongue around to rest in the designated metal loop.

He then sat back to take in the sight. Caleb’s flushed, gorgeous body now adorned by that dark contrasting color around his neck, the familiar pendant dangling a little ways below it, still. He looked absolutely _divine._ Essek felt his heart pounding in his chest. Caleb wore _his_ collar. Treated it with utter _reverence._ And it looked so amazing on him, as though Caleb had been made to wear it.

“How does it feel?” Essek asked, trying to tether himself to the moment before his emotions got the best of him.

“Perfect.” Caleb hesitated. “Do I… does this please you, as well? This… my appearance?”

Essek smirked at that. “You look divine, pet.”

A smile curled on Caleb’s lips, speaking of how deeply happy Caleb was about the praise.

Essek leaned forward and hooked one index finger underneath the front of the collar, like he’d dreamed of doing before. He pulled Caleb close, their breaths joining in the space between them to ghost over both of their lips. Essek took his time to look at Caleb, finding those blue eyes torn between looking into his and looking at his lips. There was tension, anticipation. Longing. Desire.

And Essek used that distraction to wrap his other hand around Caleb’s erection. He delighted to see those eyes go wide at the contact and for his jaw to drop further to release a stuttered breath.

“So needy…” Essek whispered. He started to move his hand in a lazy motion, his face still so close to Caleb’s that he could have counted the freckles if he had wanted to. Maybe, one day, he would.

Caleb’s eyes were now firmly trained on Essek’s as another, broken moan escaped his lips.

Essek teased at Caleb’s dripping tip with his thumb to produce yet another sound before he continued stroking. He started to build up a pace, keeping Caleb’s face so close to his but without creating the small explosion that was one of their kisses. Instead he continued to jerk Caleb’s hot, wet, needy erection and searching his face for any and all reactions, committing each subtle twitch to memory and learning exactly how to touch him to produce the sounds he liked the most.

Caleb moved his hips though not in the way Essek had anticipated and he realized that Caleb was trying to get some gratification out of the still very much present plug in his ass. Essek wasn’t sure whether the louder moans were owed to him succeeding or to Essek increasing the pace of his tugging. One way or another, Caleb’s body began to tense and Essek could tell that he was seconds away from attaining the release he so craved.

So Essek let go.

Caleb let out a sharp whine. “Nein, bitte-“ But Essek smothered it with his lips finally meeting Caleb’s in a harsh and demanding, possessive kiss. Caleb didn’t even get a chance to really kiss back. It was over as quickly as it had started and Essek pulled away, his finger around the collar having turned into a grip.

“Were you complaining, my pet?” Essek asked with a sharp edge to his voice.

“N… No, Essek.” Caleb gasped out.

“I thought your body was mine?”

“It is. All of it. All of it is yours.” Caleb choked out.

“Very well, then I shall use it as such.” Essek wanted to tie him back up and he quickly went through the several ways he could. The countless possibilities were somewhat limited by the fact that Essek really, _really_ wanted to see Caleb’s face during, especially with the new collar just below it. He had an idea. Something that he was certain no one else could have given Caleb before. He released the collar again. From the bundle beside the bed he retrieved some more, longer rope to be able to do what he was planning.

“I will do something a little more intricate this time.” Essek announced. “If you feel rope in any place that makes you uncomfortable, you will tell me immediately and without hesitation.”

“Yes, Essek.”

Good. Caleb had grown to actually use his safewords. Which meant that Essek could try what he wanted without worry. He moved to kneel behind Caleb and undid the tie on the wrists, then gently navigated each wrist in an arc to come together at the back of Caleb’s neck instead, with his elbows pointing outwards. He re-tied them there, using the longer rope instead. Once the knot was secure, Essek ran a couple of inches of it down to Caleb’s shoulderblades. From there he started to envelop his torso in several lines. Lines that came together over his spine. So there was a knot behind Caleb’s neck that held his wrists and then a straight line down the center of his back with knots that lead to individual lines wrapping around Caleb’s upper body. Essek was proud of his work once it was done. “Test them.”

Caleb did so. “I… I like them.”

“Yes you do.” Essek agreed as if the choice was his to make. He shuffled around to look at Caleb from the front. His arms were up, elbows in sharp angles so his wrists could come together behind his neck. Thick dark horizontal lines ran in stripes over his torso. Beautiful. He planted a hand against Caleb’s chest to push him. With nothing to catch his fall, Caleb hit the sheets with a thud, his legs coming free from underneath him. Essek quickly took a pillow to stuff underneath Caleb’s hips.

He decided to tie Caleb’s legs, as well. If they were there and they had the time, why not? He knew that this made Caleb wait longer and longer with an achingly erect cock being neglected. Which only motivated Essek further. How sensitive Caleb would be to touch… it would be wonderful.

With more rope in hand, Essek tied Caleb’s legs the way he had in front of the hearth, with his calves pressed to his upper legs and tied together to bring his knees to a sharp point. It was a very versatile tie and Caleb had seemed to like it last time. “Test these, too.”

Caleb did, trying to free his legs and then provided approval in the form of a nod.

“Perfect. One second.” Essek announced, knowing how Caleb feared him leaving. He retrieved a small pouch from his garments as well as a long silk cloth from his drawer before returning to the bed. Caleb eyed the items in his hands with guarded curiosity. “Pet, you have been so good today that I will give you a choice now.” He raised the silk cloth. “Do you want me to take your sight?”

Caleb seemed to consider this. “If I… might make a request…”

“Speak.”

“I want you to take it. I want you to own every piece of me. But, er, give me indications that you are here.” Caleb asked and though he hadn’t used a safeword, Essek could tell that it was a genuine request, not something for him to twist and abuse.

“You will listen to my voice and feel my touch on you for as long as I’ve claimed your sight.” Essek promised, though his tone was more like a further order.

“Then please… take it from me…”

“I will.” He noticed Caleb’s eyes on the pouch. “This… you will have to experience for yourself. It causes no pain and you can stop it with a snap of your fingers.” Essek promised.

Caleb gave him a nod as he tore his gaze away.

Essek located the gag. He scooted over to Caleb, put it in his mouth – Caleb _very eagerly_ opening up for it – and fastened it once more. “Such a good pet.” Essek couldn’t help but coo. “Eager to be shut up when I tire of hearing your words.”

Caleb averted his gaze in what could have been embarrassment.

“Or perhaps just eager to have your mouth stuffed.”

His eyes widened momentarily. Yep, that was it.

He took the blindfold and with the utmost care placed it over Caleb’s eyes before tying it at the back of his head. “Snap for me pet.”

Caleb snapped his fingers.

“You will do this the second you feel that something is not right.” Essek ordered. Caleb gave a nod. With the blindfold, gag and collar he was truly a sight to behold. Coupled with the bondage he was absolutely helpless and completely at Essek’s mercy. Essek moved back to Caleb’s legs. As he did so, he trailed his fingertips over Caleb’s body, if only to assure him that he was still there. He guided Caleb’s legs to spread and took just another moment to drink in the sight of his lover. Flushed pale skin, disturbed by dark lines of rope, spread and tied deliciously like a present. His eyes hidden. Below, the already familiar gag and the still unfamiliar but very desirable collar. Essek lowered his gaze to take in the sight of Caleb’s marked thighs, neglected swollen cock and the visible circle of the plug.

Gods, Essek _wanted._ He _craved._ Just a few more moments.

He reached out to his pouch and opened it. With his free hand he touched the rope that covered Caleb’s torso and went all the way up to his wrists. “Take a deep breath, pet.” He waited for Caleb to follow the command, watching his chest expand. He then muttered a few arcane words and felt the pouch lighten as he cast his spell. As he cast Immovable Object on the rope.

Caleb exhaled and began trying to shift, but the rope was now fixed in space and Caleb’s movements were fruitless. Caleb seemed… it was hard to read with his facial expressions so heavily obscured, but his broken movements seemed to indicate interest and exploration. He didn’t seem to be panicking, at least.

“Do you know what’s going on?” Essek asked.

Caleb nodded enthusiastically. Good.

Caleb was now trapped in an unmovable rope. He had enough space to breathe, but any further movements would be halted by the spell. Essek was _really_ looking forward to making Caleb try to writhe. “You’re completely helpless now, aren’t you.” It wasn’t a question. “Can’t speak, can’t see. Can’t even move your arms or chest. No spells, no clever words to help you. You’re just mine. Just my little, helpless toy.”

Caleb swallowed loudly and nodded and his cock stirred. Fascinating how both praise and degradation resonated with him.

Essek leaned over Caleb. He trailed two fingertips over Caleb’s cock. From the base to the very tip and he felt the shudder that was stunted due to the magic rope. He then lifted himself up, propping himself up above Caleb and reaching a hand to his cock instead. He took him into his hand, feeling the heavy heat, and began to stroke.

Caleb groaned and it was beautiful. Essek continued, building up a pace again. He watched Caleb. The little movements he failed to complete, the way his face twisted underneath the blindfold and around the gag, it was beautiful. Caleb completely, entirely, submitted himself and his body to Essek’s will. A smart, cunning person, in ropes and helpless underneath him. Essek’s own cock was already hard and hot again.

He pumped Caleb hard and fast until he felt the telltale tension in his body so he released him again. Caleb whined loudly at the third loss of his orgasm, and Essek smirked and licked his lips.

That was probably enough.

Essek sat on his heels in between Caleb’s legs, one hand still on his skin for reassurance, before he reached out to Caleb’s ass. Caleb moaned loudly as the plug was freed. Essek put it aside and produced another vial of oil and slicked his own cock up quickly before spreading the rest around Caleb’s entrance. He slipped in two fingers just to be sure but Caleb was hot and ready and he immediately tried to grind down on Essek’s hand. A part of Essek wanted to continue to tease. Trail kisses along his pet’s thighs and torso while he was in this useless, helpless state. But Caleb had done quite a lot already and there was a point reached where Essek just wanted to feel his heat and tightness and closeness.

So he positioned himself and guided his tip to Caleb’s slick, hot entrance and, without further ado, pushed inside. Caleb groaned loudly into his gag. Essek saw him trying to arch his back but to no avail. He couldn’t even complete the natural reactions his body demanded. Perfect.

Essek propped himself up with his arms on either side of Caleb. He pulled out partway and then pushed back in with a sharp jerking motion. Caleb all but yelled into his gag. Essek wasted no time to get into a rhythm, knowing that Caleb was desperate and wanting and there was only so much more denial he’d be able to take. Essek shifted his weight to reach down and touch Caleb’s cock and Caleb whined at the featherlight touch, hot and raw from Essek’s previous incomplete attentions. Essek figured he might make Caleb last a little longer if he ignored his erection and focused solely on pounding into him. But while that was probably true, it felt almost evil to ignore it at this point.

So he reached in between them and began to pump him. The noise that came from Caleb in response was, in addition to being terribly muffled, raw and loud and torn. But he didn’t snap.

Essek continued to thrust and he felt and saw Caleb trying to move, shift, to arch his back or turn away from the no doubt intense sensation. But he couldn’t.

He was unable to do anything except take what Essek gave him and he moaned and gasped into his gag as he failed to move. Essek reveled in each second that this amazing man just took him. Knowing how this smart person underneath him adored being absolutely taken apart by him.

Unsurprisingly, it didn’t take long for Caleb’s muscles to grow tense once again, for his breathing to become choked and for him to finally, after being teased all evening, reach his climax, releasing onto himself. It was long and intense, Caleb’s entire body seemingly locking up as it hit him. His breath came out in short jagged pieces interspersed with noises of pleasure. Essek continued to pound into him, loving in the feeling of his lover’s release, as well as the hot wet sensation of thrusting into him. He released Caleb’s cock when his muscles relaxed and gave him a few more hard thrusts until he came himself. Essek’s hands curled into fists, gripping the sheets beneath both of them as he thrust in hard and deep feeling his release shoot into Caleb, coating him from the inside.

The tension left and Essek was left to gather himself with panting ragged breaths before he managed to pull out. He slumped into the sheets. Immediately, he tried to whisper and make the arcane gestures to end the spell on the rope but the words came out slurred and the gestures messy through the fog of pleasure and delight and just, quite frankly, unbidden, full and warm love and admiration for this beautiful person in his bed. He managed on the second try and immediately Caleb slumped, as well. Essek scrambled over to his head to pull away the blindfold, as that had been a point of concern for Caleb.

Caleb’s own chest was still heaving. His face was bright red.

“Everything okay?” Essek gasped out.

Caleb nodded and met Essek’s eyes with wide dark pupils. His gaze was exhausted, but not in a weary way. In a good way. It looked like he was trying to smile. He was an absolute stunning mess.

And Essek loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....
> 
> Look.
> 
> ......... 
> 
> I got nothing. I will descend now.
> 
> Thanks for your wonderful comments and kudos they motivate me and fill me with happiness.
> 
> I will be reading them....
> 
> .....
> 
> from below.


	18. If that is all you want

_“Do you intend to share this secret with anyone?” Essek asked with a very clear idea of the answer he was hoping for. Caleb had said he did not want to share the arrangement as a method of paying back favors. But they had since established that the debt was unrelated. Essek knew that the Nein were a tight-knit group. And such groups traded secrets._

_“No.” Caleb shook his head. “I… understand why you feel the need to ask.” He admitted. “But, er, while privacy in the Xhorhaus is scarce at best and a lot of information has been shared, I am more than capable of keeping this to myself.”_

_“Very good. I appreciate that.”_

_“Well, my interest in secrecy is very selfish. My group would never let me live this down.” Caleb pointed out with a bit of humor._

_Weirdly, though Essek didn’t know the Nein too well, he felt like he understood. He could picture clearly how such a revelation would go over in the Mighty Nein’s midst. How he himself would want to Teleport to the other end of the continent and become a hermit if he was the subject of their consequential teasing and questioning. “Yes, I can… imagine.” Essek tried for sympathy but the tone came out a little wrong. He pushed onward. “Are you good at keeping secrets, then?”_

_Caleb met his gaze and the instance Essek saw his eyes he felt incredibly foolish for asking. Reflected in them, he thought he could see the secrets, with sizes of boulders, weighing on Caleb’s mind. As though it might crumble underneath them any moment. “Ja, I am rather apt at it.” Caleb admitted, the reply somewhat curt but not hostile._

_“Good.” Essek nodded, looking back down at his glass. He seemed to be toeing the line of scratching at something very uncomfortable. So he ignored the information in Caleb’s eyes that was clearly not for him. Or he tried to, at least. It was hard not to indulge in a mystery._

-

“It really is beautiful…”

Caleb studied the collar with focus as he held it inches away from his face. It was a delicate hold by his fingertips. He tilted it and the reflection of the light slipped over the metal elements in response. “I cannot believe you had this made.”

“Well, I did.” Essek smiled to himself as he glanced at Caleb from the corner of his eyes while he cast Prestidigitation. Hopefully for the final time that night. He stood beside his dresser and dropped everything he’d retrieved from its drawer back into it unceremoniously. He pushed it shut with his foot. The need for decorum had dissipated at some point and he just wanted to lie down and rest. Tidying was for when his joints did not feel like jelly. He returned to the bed and lifted the sheets to slip underneath beside Caleb.

Who snorted.

Essek blinked as he got situated on his side. “Did you find a joke on there that I forgot about?”

“Nein.” Caleb looked at him with a soft, heavenly smile. “I just realized that this may be the, ah, finest thing I have ever worn in my life. And I thought that fact ironic.”

“Oh.” Essek returned the smile. He then glanced over to Caleb’s clothes. “Your Xhorhassian style coat is rather nice.”

“Nice, ja.” Caleb agreed as he handed the collar to Essek. “But still not as… fine. And not custom made, which, er, I assume this is.”

“It is.” Essek took the item and turned to put it back in its box on the nightstand. “But you must have worn formal attire at _some_ point.” He stated before settling back down on his side to look at Caleb. Caleb reflected the position, facing Essek fully, and the whole thing felt intimate and oddly conspiratorial. Like they were lovers, hatching plans to run away together. The thought made Essek’s thrumming heart send blood to his cheeks.

“Well, ja, I guess so. But it was a long time ago… and even then my formal attire was not exactly, ah, fancy.” He placed his hands beside his face in between them and Essek could see the red marks of the rope still imprinted into the wrists.

He reached a hand out gently and, when Caleb said nothing and didn’t pull away, started to trace his fingertips over them. The two of them had already established that Caleb was fine and – after a glass of water he had gulped down – needed nothing. “No fancy parties in the Empire?” Essek joked.

“Oh, there is plenty of extravagance if you move in the correct circles. I just never did.” Caleb explained. He moved his hands an inch closer to Essek as if assenting to the touch without words.

Essek followed the motion of his own fingers with his eyes, softly outlining each mark. “Well, if they are anything like what we have in Rosohna, you did not miss out.”

“Is that so?” Caleb sounded genuinely curious. “I sort of assumed your celebrations would be…” He seemed to look for a word and didn’t find it, perhaps afraid of insulting the local customs.

“Most of our festivities are very strongly tied to the faith of the Luxon. And those that aren’t, well…” Essek gave a weak shrug. “I do not carry a lot of love for parties in my heart in general.”

“They can be rather stressful.” Caleb agreed.

“Indeed.” Essek looked up and met Caleb’s eyes again. “Especially, if they are official affairs and you work in government and must navigate the unpleasant and strenuous paths of social propriety.” He sighed. This was getting dangerously close to talking about work. Which would be an insult to the, quite frankly, amazing sex they had just had. “But enough about that. How are you feeling?”

“The same as when you asked me eight minutes and fourty-seven seconds ago. Wundervoll.”Caleb gave him a smile and it was so genuine and pleased that Essek felt his heart start joining his limbs in turning into like jelly. “That… all of it was very intense.”

“Complaints?” Essek asked.

“Ah, yes. One big one. That it had to end.” Caleb said cheekily.

“Well, if that’s the case, I’ll go get the rope…” Essek made as if to get up.

Caleb laughed and it the sound was full and warm. “Nein, please- I would probably pass out.” Essek got back into his position. Caleb moved his hands to take one of Essek’s. “With sincerity, I have no complaints. You, er, know very well when to push and when to hold back. The use of Dunamancy… Immovable Object, correct?”

“Indeed.” Essek nodded.

“That was- Well, I had not expected it but it was- It was-“ Caleb seemed to grasp for words that did not come to him. “It was _something._ ”

“As long at it was _something_ pleasurable, I will take that as a compliment.” Essek decided.

“Oh, absolutely.” Caleb paused. “Do you want to be reimbursed for the spell? Or split the costs? Go, er, ‘halfsies’, at least.”

Essek stared. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been given such an offer. He lived in huge towers with more space than he could ever need, had a prestigious last name, an important, well-paid position in national government and was, overall, a very established – if a little reclused - member of Rosohna’s upper crust. And Caleb wanted to go ‘halfies’ on 25 gold with him. “I appreciate the offer, but I don’t mind covering the costs. It wouldn’t do for me to ask you to chip in after surprising you with the spell, anyways.”

Caleb considered him for a moment, then nodded. “In Ordnung. Next time, perhaps.”

Essek’s heart fluttered. “Yes, perhaps.” His gaze lingered on Caleb. He was tucked in up to his chest. Most of the redness had faded from his skin, though a tint on his cheeks was still present. There were reminders of the rope on his wrists, and one visible on his chest. There were more, currently unseen.

“Was there anything _you_ didn’t like?” Caleb broke the silence.

“Not a thing. I might have you undress me more often.” Essek mused.

Caleb averted his eyes, his blush growing a little. He was so godsdamned sheepish at times. “I would not be opposed.”

“Maybe I will blindfold you again, as well?”

“Ah, yes, gladly.” Caleb was staring at their connected hands. Their only point of contact right then. “As long as you continue to demonstrate that you are still there while I cannot see.”

“Of course.”

“Then I would really like for it to be a recurring… element.” Caleb admitted. “I was hesitant due to the… I suppose, the added vulnerability of such a position. The, ah, not knowing of where you were or what you were going to do. But it was… oddly… comforting? It is hard to describe, I apologize.”

“No need. As long as you enjoyed it. That is all I need to know.” Essek offered another smile although Caleb was still looking away. He wondered why he was so desperate for proof that he wasn’t alone. It made sense to not want to be abandoned in a vulnerable situation, but Caleb was very insistent on getting reminders. There was a conclusion Essek could draw when taking all his other boundaries and limitations into consideration. A painful one. It made Essek worry and it made him sorrowful and angry.

“This might be a bit… off-topic.” Caleb warned, tearing Essek out of his thoughts. “But ah, I am really glad that you did not replace me.” He made eye contact again. “I know I said as much earlier, but I fear it may have gotten lost between… everything else.”

Essek’s heart made a decent attempt at bursting out of his chest. Stopped by his ribcage, it ascended into his throat instead. “For what it is worth-“ He started and worried that the unsteadiness he felt could be heard in his voice. “I am rather glad you have found your way back here.” ‘Back to me’.

Caleb smiled. A gentle, soft smile. “As am I.”

Essek could kiss that smile. It would be astoundingly easy. Just one movement, really. Soft and sweet. Just a kiss. He held back. Those words sat in Essek’s throat again. Those certain ones. A heavy weight that wanted to roll over his tongue and past his lips. He felt the urgency, the need, the desire to finally say it. To spill that one secret. To share it and open his heart with it and lay himself bare and vulnerable in front of his other.

He withdrew his hand from Calebs’ and reached out to his face. He brushed an errant strand of hair behind his ear. The motion was too tender, too gentle. “Caleb, I-“ ‘love you’. He tried. But it didn’t come out. It was as though the words would not fit in the space between them. ‘I love you’… is that what he wanted to say? It’s what he had thought he wanted to say. Volunteer his feelings and let Caleb decide what to do with them. Add that he didn’t expect change and that the confession was just information.

But, what if, for some reason, Caleb felt something similar? Would asking for no change ruin the chance of advancing their relationship?

Did Essek _want_ to change their relationship?

Between all his anxiety and fretting over confessions and opportunities, and the missing and longing and sheer _need_ , he had somehow never actually asked himself what he even wanted. He wanted Caleb. But, after a fashion, he already had a part. Was that part maybe enough? It didn’t feel like enough.

Did he want a relationship, to court Caleb properly? In public? The implications, the consequences…

But did he want them to sneak around forever? That didn’t feel right, either.

Perhaps a love confession was a bit much. Out of nowhere, at least. Perhaps a request for a date- But did he wand a date? Would it not be odd to ask for one after everything that they had already done? And a date would happen in public, most likely. Which meant that people would know, would whisper. At the very least the Nein would probably find out.

Essek clamped his mouth shut again.

What they had, that moment, was a sliver of time in between danger and uncertainty. A small island surrounded by deep and dark and treacherous waters. And the next day they would have to dive in again. There was still so much to do and worry about. This would be another thing. Another shift, another change. Yet another variable. And Essek didn’t even know the value he wanted it to hold.

“Yes?” Caleb searched his face as though a twitch of his mouth might complete the sentence as well as words would have.

Essek was reeling, he didn’t know what to say. He grasped at the first completely unrelated, unromantic thing he found. “I am surprised your group managed to prompt peace negotiations.” Great. _Politics._

Caleb narrowed his eyes for a split second. Clearly, he noticed that that had not been the intended ending of that sentence. But his face relaxed and he apparently let it go. “Yes, I barely expected it to be possible. But let us hope for the best, I would love to look forward to this war coming to an end.”

“Yes, me too.” Essek agreed. Agreeing that ‘peace is good’ was probably one of the least risky and thrilling statements in existence. Regret sat in Essek’s chest. He could try to say it again. But the uncertainty kept the desire to do so at bay. A thought occurred to him. If a treaty was signed and there was no more political business to tend to for an outsider… how often would the Nein seek out Rosohna after the negotiations?

“Planning your next move?” Caleb asked.

“Hm?”

“You seem … lost in thought. I would hope that you are not doing your job in your head after…” He gestured vaguely between them.

“Ah, no, not at all.” Essek assured. “I was contemplating the, er, lesser consequences of the negotiations. For instance, whether you plan on returning to Rosohna if a peace treaty is signed.”

Caleb quirked an eyebrow. “I would assume so? We haven’t spoken about it, but we did not come here initially because we planned on ending the war. I see no reason why we should stay away. I mean, we have a home here now. And I would… love to see Rosohna under less pressuring circumstances sometime.”

Essek gave a gentle nod that hopefully did not betray his relief. They would be back. There would be a time when Caleb and him could meet with most of the current struggles and problems in the past. Obstacles placed by war would be taken away by peace. That was when he could talk to Caleb. That was when he could confess and come to terms with whatever result that would yield. That was when he would not be coming apart due to a rejection. That was when he would know what he wanted. Once the peace talks were over. Once they had a bit of time. “That is good to know. I could not be sure after your, ah, previous absence.” Even if the negotiations would not end in a signed treaty, at the very least it would give him some certainty. A sense of direction. Or so he hoped.

Caleb frowned and looked away. “Once again, I am sorry that we left for so long without a word. That is not how you treat a friend.”

“It is fine.” Essek lied. “I was … preoccupied. Though, I will confess to some curiosity about your whereabouts.”

“Ah, we told you about the Happy Fun Ball and its time-altering properties, ja?” Caleb reminded. “We hadn’t exactly intended to stay in there for… as long as we did. A lot of time passed for the outside world that didn’t pass for us. When we returned to the Prime Material Plane, weeks had gone by.” Caleb paused, regret twisting on his face. “But, ah, after that we went to Rexxentrum and, there’s no- I don’t have any excuse- And we left without-“ He closed his eyes. “There is no justification. We fucked up. _I_ fucked up. I should have had Jester message you, but I did not. And I am sincerely sorry.” He opened his eyes again to look into Essek’s.

Essek bit back a tear. A part of him wanted to tell Caleb that it had been nothing, to soothe those lines of worry and regret on his face. But it hadn’t been nothing and he figured that Caleb was probably aware of that. “I accept your apology. I forgive you.” He said honestly. Because he did. The apology made him feel justified in his emotions. It made him feel understood. And that was rare for him.

“Thank you.” Caleb replied, the hard lines on his face softening. He scooted a little closer to Essek and slowly, as if asking permission, allowed his arm to rest over the Essek’s waist, on top of the blanket. “Sincerely, I will try to do better.”

This did not exactly make it _easier_ to hold back from kissing Caleb. He was being so gentle and sweet. Briefly, Essek recalled his own anger, contrasted and juxtaposed to this affectionate moment. It seemed so distant and irrational. Yet, if this is how Caleb treated a number of people, how he looked at several others, if there was nothing special about this to him… Something uncomfortable made itself noticeable in Essek’s chest once more.

“What’s wrong?” Caleb looked at him.

His expression must have faltered. “Ah, nothing.” He could ask. Simply pry into Caleb’s business and ask whether he was seeing anybody else. No. It wasn’t important. It wasn’t information he was supposed to know. Besides, Caleb had let him suck dark hickeys into his thighs, so he couldn’t possibly be entertaining any other arrangements. Unless someone else perhaps got off on just that. Marks placed by someone else. That uncomfortable thing grew. Essek decided that he would not let it get any bigger. “I simply remembered that I, er, placed some dark hickeys onto your body this time. And I worried I went overboard.”

“Ah, no, you did not. I would have used a safeword.” Caleb replied dutifully.

“Won’t they- They are rather visible. And might heal rather slowly without magic. I simply, er, hope that they will not interfere with any of your other… pursuits.” Good and bad gods be damned, it was so obvious. _He_ was being so obvious. He should have just flat out asked how often Caleb frequented someone else’s bed. This was beyond pathetic.

Caleb eyed him for a long moment, all but confirming that Essek, once a tightly shut tome, had just become an open book. Caleb smiled and laughed briefly and dryly. “If you are insinuating that I am seeking out other lovers that might be appalled I must, er, disappoint you? This, between us, continues to be my only relationship of a-“ He paused as he seemed to go through words that didn’t fit “-sexual nature. A romantic nature?” He shook his head. “Either, really.”

Nevermind damning the gods, Essek wanted to thank them instead. It had been what he had assumed in his most rational state of mind but the relief was still sweet. That made things infinitely easier. It also pleased that possessive part of him that wanted to place hickeys on Caleb’s neck and hold him in public and ask him for his hand- Too far too fast. Essek forbade himself to postpone his confession and then turn around and think about _that_ in one aftercare session. If… all of this still constituted as such. “I see. Well I couldn’t be sure.”

“But you must have assumed. What with- I’m not-“ He seemed to give up on whatever addition he had tried to make.

“I deemed it the likelier alternative, having seen some of your behavior, yes. But I did not know. Especially with your prolonged absence.” Essek felt the odd need to justify himself. “I mean, I had not thought you would go to the capital of the Empire. Yet that’s exactly where you have been.”

“I suppose that’s true. I hadn’t really anticipated that, either.” Caleb frowned a little.

Essek noticed tension starting to take hold of Caleb’s body. He felt bad for bringing it up. After all, he didn’t know whether something bad had happened in Rexxentrum that he had not been told. A spark of curiosity set light to Essek’s mind. He wanted to know. But he didn’t want to make this tense or uncomfortable. Gently, Essek placed a hand on Caleb’s upper arm. “Would you like to cuddle?”

“Yes.” Caleb responded without hesitation. It took no time for them to get settled into their usual position – Caleb’s head resting on Essek’s chest, an arm draped over his middle and a leg tangling with his. Essek pulled the blanket to comfortably cover them both.

The curiosity was still very much present. Essek, desperately, wanted to find out whether something had occurred in Rexxentrum. Not politically; that he knew and would further learn from people he despised. But what had happened with and to Caleb. “I won’t push. But if you wish to speak about your visit there… I imagine the city has, er…” Essek found himself at a loss for words. He didn’t even know what exactly he wanted to say or offer.

Caleb picked up the thread he had dropped. “You assume that someone connected to my… to my…” Caleb sighed. “Connected to _that_ part of me is there, don’t you?”

“I might be wrong, of course.”

“You’re not.” Caleb admitted. “Rexxentrum is… was… a lot.” He took a deep breath. “It’s not- It is a wonderful, beautiful city. I don’t imagine you’ve been to it?”

“I haven’t had the pleasure, no.” Essek lied. Though, to be fair, it was hardly a lie. He had been in the location known as Rexxentrum but he hadn’t ever really seen anything of the city itself. It might as well have been any other place that he’d visited.

“Well, it’s…” Caleb started to trail his fingers over the blanket, finding wrinkles to fumble with. “It’s the best place to learn anything, especially magic, within the Empire. The, er, the opportunities, the architecture, the whole feeling of being there… There’s no place like it.” Caleb explained. “Similar to how there’s no second Rosohna anywhere in Exandria.”

Essek wasn’t sure whether the comparison was an attempt at diplomacy or a search for empathy. But having lived in the city all his life, he did not feel amazement regarding it so much as normalcy. He understood why it fascinated outsiders. He just wasn’t one. “Did you grow up there?”

“Nein.” Caleb shook his head, his hair brushing against Essek’s bare skin. “I, er, lived in a small township not far from it.” There was a distant, mournful tone in his voice that was, if nothing else, an unintended warning for Essek not to pry. “I received some schooling there. A very long time ago.”

The Soltryce Academy. Essek knew of it. Caleb must have gone.

“But, ah, being there now, it was… well…” Caleb let his voice trail off. Essek started to draw circles on Caleb’s back, hoping to ground him.

“You told me that someone… involved you in… unsavory research. In the past.” Essek tested carefully.

Caleb drew in a loud breath. “They live there, if that’s what you want to know.”

“Yes.” Essek could feel Caleb recoiling and building up walls again. “I apologize, I shouldn’t have-“

“It is fine.” Caleb insisted. “Like I said, all of this happened a very long time ago. It’s nothing… new. I just encountered some ghosts from my past while I was there. That is all.” He volunteered. “But, ah, it was- The Nein were rather reassuring through all of it.”

Essek wished he had been there to offer some comfort as well. Instead he’d been in Rosohna, trying to forget Caleb by asking someone else to join him in bed. “I am glad your friends offered you some support.”

“Our friends, Essek.” Caleb corrected. “You have sat with us in the hot tub. Or _almost_ sat in the hot tub. The friendship has been sealed in hot water and underneath our tree.”

Essek smiled as some of the levity returned to Caleb’s tone of voice. Though there were a million things he still wanted to ask, he was glad to take this path, too. To preserve the affection of the moment. “ _Our_ friends, then.” He continued to draw the gentle patterns below Caleb’s shoulder blades. “Though, I imagine that… your and my friendship in particular has also been sealed in paper and ink, no?” It felt like a risk to single them out but he felt the need to underline their relationship somehow.

“Ja.” Caleb said in approval. “I would say so.”

Essek heard the smile in Caleb’s voice. He worried that Caleb must have heart his head hammering away. But the worry was subdued and muffled underneath the warmth and appreciation and love he felt. They fell into a comfortable and easy silence then. Minutes of quiet breaths and shared warmth passing. Essek continued drawing lazy circles and started to add runes.

“Hm, I don’t think I know those…” Caleb said after a while.

Oh. Essek hadn’t taught him that spell. His thoughts had drifted too far. “Right, you don’t. Apologies, my mind started wandering.”

“Are you apologizing for indirectly showing me new magic?” Caleb teased.

“Are _you_ implying that you can learn runic sequences this way?” Essek asked, incredulously. “I seem to remember your surprise at recognizing the patterns, at all.”

“Ah, well…” Caleb looked up to meet his eyes. “Only one way to find out.”

Essek smirked. “This has to be the most unconventional way you’ve ever tried to get new magic from me.”

“I wouldn’t want to bore you with old tactics.” Caleb replied with a smile.

“Perhaps I will consider this as a valid learning method, then, next time I decide to share a spell with you.” Essek mused.

Caleb turned his head to more comfortably rest on his chest again, eyes away from Essek’s. “I am looking forward to it.”

“It always circles back to magic with you and me, does it not?” Essek contemplated.

“Hm.” Caleb replied. “It _is_ our craft.”

“That is certainly true.” Essek agreed. “Though sometimes it seems like even more than that. I didn’t notice it in me until I saw it in you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Magic is what you thrive on, is it not? It may not be an inherited ability, but it is in your blood as much as oxygen is.” Essek pointed out, trying to temper the affection and love he felt for Caleb’s raw, pure enthusiasm for the arcane. It was… inspiring at times to watch him dive and get lost in spellwork and magical theory.

Caleb lingered on a pause. “Magic… was the first thing I fell in love with.” He explained and his voice was soft and warm as though he were speaking about a treasured friend. “I told you I grew up in a small town. I was never supposed to do any of what I’m capable of now. But magic came easy to me. The flames, especially, but arcana as an art in general. It was a friend to me… most of the time.”

“Most of the time?”

“Well, as you are more than aware, I’m sure, magic, like any tool can be used for all sorts of purposes. And magic, especially, has many facettes. Perhaps none _inherently_ evil, but many very lenient to abuse.” Caleb muttered. The softness in his voice grew hard, the warmth froze. “And there are many who would abuse it. Smart, cunning people. Whether in the name of research or for their own gain, if they can use the gift they will exploit it. No matter the cost.”

Essek felt a cold sting in his heart. Caleb might as well have been talking about him. He knew that this was about whatever had happened in Caleb’s youth. But the description fit him like a glove. And the realization was a crawling, uncomfortable thing.

“Essek?”

“Hm?”

“Everything okay?” Caleb was looking at him again, concern visible in the blue of his eyes.

“Of course, why?” Essek asked, worried about what his expressions may have said that he had not.

“You stopped drawing patterns. I wanted to make sure.”

“Oh.” He hadn’t even noticed. He continued. “Apologies, I was just thinking about your words.”

“And?”

“They ring quite true. And… I feel strangely understand when you call magic a friend. It has been my only one for a long time.” Essek admitted, hoping to bring the conversation back around. “Though, I suppose it has been a double-edged sword in my experience, as well.”

“How so?”

Essek stared at the ceiling. “Dunamancy is and has always been my greatest strength. My biggest accomplishments are dunamantic, I’ve had a knack for it since I was rather young. But as I’ve said, the expectations placed upon me as a consequence can be rather constrictive. When there is one metric your worth is measured in and it is your spellwork, your spellwork can quickly become an enemy.”

Caleb nodded gently, Essek felt the movement against his body.

“I do thrive on it. It was my first passion. Same as you. Unlocking the rules that govern the arcane and bending them and what they grant to one’s will… it is exciting. I cannot think of many things as fulfilling as completing a spell or understanding another arcanist’s work for the first time.” Essek contemplated. “Yet, it comes with expectations and standards to uphold. Expectations created by people who do not understand how it works. People who cannot appreciate and see true arcane progress.”

Caleb remained silent, giving him time and air so speak and Essek found himself divulging much more than he had anticipated.

“I mentioned I felt… like I do not belong. Part of that is because no one sees this, my life’s work, how I do. They cannot even fathom half of it. And yet they expect visible, tangible results.” Essek sighed. He looked down at Caleb. “I apologize, I did not mean to… complain quite as much.”

“No need to apologize.” Caleb held his gaze. “As I’ve told you, I do understand the pressure that has been weighing on you. And I do understand the solitude of being alone with your thoughts. It-“ He hesitated. “It is… partially why I appreciate studying with you as much as I do. Finding someone of a like mind. I understand many arcanists value their solitude – as do I – but I’ve always reveled in the trade of ideas and collaborative spellwork. I know I’m… nowhere near your level as a wizard, so I’m grateful that you took this chance on me.”

“Please, Caleb. After I just confessed to my loneliness, yet again, I hope you will see that it has not been so much an extended favor as a taken one.” Essek gave him a smile. “You may not be on my level, that is true, but with the astounding progress you’ve been making I cannot imagine it will be much longer before I am… obsolete to your group.”

Caleb’s gaze hardened. “You will never be obsolete. You are our friend, not our tool.” It softened again. “Though I realize that up until today we’ve made a poor showing of that…”

“It… I know I have not been easy to befriend, either. So consider all that forgotten.” Essek smiled.

Caleb smiled back. “Gerne.”

“I choose to understand that as approval.” Essek teased.

“Oh, it was.” Caleb confirmed. “I should teach you the basics of Zemnian sometime. Perhaps repay some of my learning with teaching…” Essek could tell by his tone of voice that he was growing more tired.

“I would be amiable, though it has been a while since I’ve learned a new language.” Essek admitted.

“Das ist in Ordnung.”

Essek smirked. “Oh, are we starting right now?”

Caleb let out a weak but honest laugh. “I said ‘that’s okay’, more or less. I- I didn’t say the ‘more or less’. I just said ‘that’s okay’ but the translation is more or less accurate. It is what it means it just-“

“It’s okay.” Essek soothed with a delighted smile.

Caleb relaxed. “Okay. Ja. Yes. Good.”

They fell back into their pleasant silence and Caleb returned his head to rest on Essek’s chest with lazy circles being drawn on his back. Essek started adding runes again after a few minutes.

“Mmmh… key runes for any evocation ritual.” Caleb broke the silence gently, his voice dripping with tiredness.

“Correct.” Essek replied with a smile. He drew the runes once more before pausing and then starting on something else.

“Hmmm…” Caleb made a drawn out noise. “Symbolic representations of how to weave Dunamantic runes, specifically for manipulation of the fates.”

“Someone has done their homework.” Essek joked.

Caleb yawned. “Ja, well, I wouldn’t want to disappoint my, ah, teacher.”

“Oh I think you might have to actively try to achieve that.”

“Mmmhhh…” Caleb didn’t really respond. “May I have, ah, another?”

Essek felt his smile brighten. “Certainly.” He began to draw a new, elaborate pattern onto Caleb’s back. When he finished there was no response, so he drew it once more, not wanting to insult Caleb’s intelligence by suggesting he hadn’t noticed it end. “There.” He said softly.

Still no response.

“Caleb?”

He listened and all he heard was gentle rhythmic breathing. Essek watched the steady rising and falling of Caleb’s form draped over him. Caleb had fallen asleep. Right then and there, on Essek’s body. Essek’s heart beat so hard and fast that he worried it might wake him right back up.

Caleb felt safe enough, comfortable enough to drift to sleep like this. Vulnerable and protected by nothing except for Essek himself. It was a powerful, yet strangely humbling thought. Essek leaned down, and planted a kiss on top of Caleb’s head. He knew he should have woken him and sent him home. Anyone could find his room deserted at any time and it would draw suspicions. But he just didn’t want to. Caleb seemed so peaceful and this moment was so unlikely, so precious, so valuable that Essek was loathe to interrupt, let alone end it. It would be fine. He tranced for much less time than any of the Nein slept. He would just wake Caleb right after his trance. Until then they could both get some rest.

Essek relaxed into his sheets, feeling the gentle brush of fabric. He flicked one wrist and all the candles went out. Listening to the steady breathing of his other, his lover, his match was soothing enough to let him fall into his trance quite easily. And his last very coherent thought was how he wished this was routine.

As he remained somewhat aware of his surroundings, Essek could hear and feel Caleb shift a little every once in a while. After about an hour, he started mumbling occasionally. It appeared to be Zemnian and while Essek would have been able to cast Comprehend Languages if he had broken trance, his arcane focus was not on him and he wasn’t going to find a pinch of soot and salt within reach, either.

In any case, the mumbling didn’t sound distressed, as Essek had initially feared, but neutral, steady. He brushed his fingertips over Caleb’s skin in soothing motions weakly and without coordination.

They stayed like this for the remainder of Essek’s trance. His stream of practiced thought was occasionally disturbed when Caleb stirred or muttered something a little more loudly, but never to a point where he had to interrupt his rest.

When Essek came back to full consciousness, Caleb had curled more into him, as though possessive over his spot and it painted a smile onto Essek’s lips and a light blush onto his cheeks. He could have interpreted quite a lot into it but he listened to his better judgment and chose not to. He had more than once thought about what it would be like to come to from his trance only to find Caleb in his bed. And it was even more heart-pounding and breathtaking than he had imagined. The comfortable warmth, the steady breath, his pleasant fireplace scent. It felt _right_. Like everything clicking into place. Like every road would have lead here eventually. Like this was where both of them were supposed to be that moment. Right there. At each other’s side. And nowhere else.

It was the early hours of the morning. Essek would still have to rest a little longer if he wanted to greet the day with all of his energy. And while there was nothing he would have liked more than to keep Caleb with him for every single minute of it, and every single hour beyond, they had a false pretense to uphold.

Essek allowed himself one last moment of taking in every sensation that this piece of time he’d taken for himself offered. And then he raised one hand to Caleb’s face to gently brush the strands of hair way. “Caleb.” He said quietly.

Caleb startled. A jolt shot through his body and he sat up immediately, eyes darting around. “Wo- ?!” Well, that wasn’t tender but it did the trick.

Essek quickly lit the candles. “It’s okay, you’re fine.”

Caleb turned back to look at Essek, who sat up, as well, and the tension faded with a heavy exhale. “Ah. A… Apologies, I…”

“Not to worry.” Essek offered a gentle smile. “You fell asleep, so I let you be for a while.”

“Oh.” Caleb averted his gaze and his cheeks took on a bright shade of red. “I, ah, I’m sorry, I didn’t even notice getting that tired.”

His accent was a bit thicker. Perhaps a side effect of not enough rest. Essek felt a little guilty, he should have woken him immediately and had him go home to get his hours of sleep properly. “Please, stop apologizing. I would have woken you if I had taken issue with it.”

“Ja, natürlich. I mean- of course. That makes sense.” He ran a hand through his hair and Essek thought he rather liked the look of it, tousled and messy from sex and sleep.

“I would have let you sleep longer but I assumed…” Essek let his voice trail off.

Caleb shook his head. “Nein, this is good. You assumed right. I should get going.” He looked back at Essek. “I, ah…” His voice trailed off and he was fumbling with the edge of a blanket.

“Yes?” Essek coaxed. He felt his breath grow heavier in anticipation.

“I am looking forward to breakfast. And spellwork.”

Right. Breakfast. He’d have to get that in order. “Me too.” He swallowed. “I will admit that I have grown rather… accustomed to our discussions. And studies.” And everything else.

He was met with a smile. “I would hate to give those up, as well.”

Inches. They were inches away from touching on what burdened Essek’s heart. From breaching that fragile little boundary he’d placed. But he couldn’t. They would need time. And no distractions. He’d need a plan and knowledge of what he truly wanted. After the peace negotiations. He would do it then. “Well, I do not wish to keep you any longer. You must get some more rest before returning with your friends.”

Caleb gave a nod. “Ja, you are right. I am just going to-“ He gestured at his clothing.

“Go ahead.”

Caleb scrambled out of the bed and headed over to his garments. As he started to slip them on, Essek got up as well and put on his sleep wear. After Caleb had spent most of the night, the need for proper clothing while escorting him to the front door had faded into nothingness. He was going to return to bed after, anyway. He caught Caleb holding his component pouch and looking around frantically.

Essek located the fleece on the nightstand, picked it up and brought it over. “Here.”

“Ah, danke.” Caleb smiled faintly and tucked it away.

Essek’s heart grew heavier by the minute. He knew he’d see Caleb again within hours but who knew how long it would be until they would have another moment alone? It had taken a lot of time and even more heartache to get to the past night. “Caleb, might you wait here a moment?”

Caleb was securing his pouch at his belt. He looked at the assortment of garments still on the chair. “May I…?”

“Yes, of course. I just- I have something I would like to… lend to you.”

There was that spark in Caleb’s eyes. Curiosity. Interest. Anticipation. “Ah, um, selbstverständlich. I will wait here.”

“Thank you.” Essek gave him a brief smile before hurrying out of the bedroom. He didn’t know whether he was operating on sound logic; his heart had taken the reigns somewhere between sinking into bed with Caleb and watching him wake up and it seemed very intent on keeping hold of them. So, perhaps there were a lot of risks that he did not consider when he walked into his study, over to his desk and picked up the old, annotated tome. Perhaps he should have reconsidered as he walked back to his bedroom, book held in both hands. And perhaps he should just not have approached Caleb with it, holding it out. But that was exactly what he did. “I would like to lend this to you for your travels.”

There was immediate recognition. “That is- Are you sure?” Essek noticed Caleb’s fingers twitching, probably only waiting to reach out.

“Yes.” Essek nodded.

Caleb took the book from him with reverence as though he were accepting a sacred artifact. “… Thank you for trusting me with this.”

“… Just feeding a mind that loves to learn.” Essek tried to brush it off. “I have… er… added further annotations.” He averted his gaze.

“Oh?”

“Yes, I have gone through my previous ones and corrected them. I have also added some notes when I found faults in the text itself.” Damn, that point on the wall sure was interesting enough to stare at for a prolonged time.

“You have… annotated your annotations?” Caleb asked, a bit of humor in his voice.

“I thought you could benefit from an accurate take.” Essek felt heat in his cheeks and on the back of his neck and he hoped, dear gods, he hoped that Caleb couldn’t see it in the dim light. “I, er, was hoping that once it finds its way back to me it might bear an, er, Empire-based take on it, as well. So that we both may learn from this exchange.”

Essek risked a glance to find a genuine, honest smile on Caleb’s face. “I will gladly add my thoughts to this tome. I am honored that you would want them. Is there any deadline-“

“Keep it for as long as you like.” Essek said quickly. Too quickly, perhaps. “I am aware that your adventuring lifestyle may not offer a lot of opportunity to read and write, so, since I have another copy of this text, as you know, I have lent it to you, after all, take as long as you need.” His speech was a little frantic and he knew Caleb must have heard.

“Thank you… friend.” Caleb said. “I promise I will treat this well and keep it to myself.”

“As I hope you would.” Essek looked back at Caleb fully and met his eyes. A moment passed. “You better…”

“Right, ah, yes, I, er, better- better get going then.” Caleb stumbled over his words as he finalized his routine by putting on his scarf.

“Quite. Yes. I will accompany you to the door. As usual.” Essek headed out of the bedroom, followed by Caleb, and he started feeling self-conscious about his choice of dress. He tried to ignore it. It was fine, his sleepwear was at least relatively stylish. They headed down the hallway in silence. Until it was broken by Caleb.

“I am really looking forward to your input on the spell we found in the Happy Fun Ball.” Caleb re-iterated an earlier point of his, probably only to fill the nothing with words.

That was uncharacteristic, as Essek had learned. Caleb could be a talker, if he wanted to be, but he had always seemed very much fine with just quietly taking things in. He didn’t know what this change meant, this filling of silence, if it meant anything at all, but he wasn’t about to leave him hanging. “Oh, I am as well. Ancient spellwork is extremely valuable. I am grateful that you deem me fit to share it with.”

There was a dry chuckle from behind him and Essek wondered and then briefly stopped, allowing Caleb to catch up the two steps it took so they could walk beside each other.

“Did I say something humorous?” Essek asked.

“Well, you are one of the smartest people I know. Certainly my smartest close ally. If I did not see you as a good research partner for this caliber of work, I honestly do not know who else could fill that role.”

“Ah.” There was that heat again and Essek hoped that Caleb would never find a way to see well in dim light. He also hoped Caleb would never ask him for more illumination in his hallways. “While that is reasonable, you could have easily kept it for yourself.”

“I suppose.” Caleb shrugged. “But, ah, collaboration makes for better progress and more angles to see things from.”

“Hm, very true.” Essek agreed. They reached the front door. “I will see you for breakfast then.”

“Ja, you will.” Caleb nodded.

“…If I may ask for your honest estimate on something-“ Essek started. “Will your- _our_ friends try to make some of my more easily forgotten belongings disappear?”

Caleb laughed at that. “Not while you’re in the room, at least.” The laughter faded into a smile. “I think thievery will probably not be on the agenda. But, ah, we are a very curious group, if you catch my drift.”

“I understand.” Essek nodded. “Thank you for your honesty.”

“Well then. Thank you for the… hospitality.”

Essek couldn’t help but smirk. “Is that what all that was?”

“I would hope it was a more, ah, advanced form than normal hospitality.” Caleb replied with a smile.

“Well, I did mention I was rusty with people. Perhaps I underestimated the burden of having guests.”

“How do you mean?” Caleb quirked an eyebrow.

Essek’s chest tightened. “Ah, if, if that is what it takes to be hospitable- It was- I was trying to make a joke.”

“Oh!” Caleb looked apologetic. “I must have- I am a little sleep-deprived, I apologize-“

“No, no, don’t. I am-“ Essek felt hot embarrassment under his skin. “It wasn’t very good. Humor is not my strongest suit.”

Caleb offered a sympathetic smile. “If it consoles you, I think some of the Nein are still shocked to the core when I try to make a joke.”

“Really?”

“Ja.” Caleb nodded.

Essek could sort of see why, but he wasn’t about to mention that. “Maybe your humor is more complicated?”

“I appreciate the flattery of saying that my jokes are too smart for our friends, but you are giving me far too much credit. They are rather silly. You saw me put Fjord in a bathrobe.”

“Ah, very fair.” Essek could feel himself drawing out the conversation while they were both standing a few feet from his front doors. And he could tell that, consciously or not, Caleb was playing into it. “Well, silly or not I find myself enjoying your brand of humor.”

Caleb’s smile became a little more reserved, though no less honest. His gaze turned away from Essek. “Meine Güte. It has been a while since someone complimented my sense of humor. I am not- I…” His brows knit together briefly. He looked back at Essek. “I cannot help but think how fortunate our meeting was.”

“Because I said you were funny?”

“You know that is oversimplifying things.” Caleb chided. He neglected to pick up the thread he had begun to weave. “Well, I best get going now. Beau trains early and pulls Fjord into it, I don’t want to push my luck any further.”

“Right. Beau would probably recognize the direction you were coming from.” Essek pondered.

“They would all know exactly where I came from, Essek.”

Essek blinked. “Is that so?”

“I haven’t told anyone anything. But, ah. Where else… would I have stayed the night?”

That simple question made an unfortunate amount of sense. “Right.”

“Well then. Thank you for everything.” Caleb lifted the book in his hands an inch to indicate it. “And have a pleasant remaining rest.”

“You, as well.” And yet, they lingered. Again. But before Essek could fall into a net of contemplations, Caleb leaned forward and closed the distance between them, pressing a very short, soft kiss to his lips.

It was over after less than a second. Caleb’s cheeks were bright red. “Felt, ah, wrong to leave without that.” He explained.

Hm. Yes. Of course. Words. “Ah, yes. No. No, I mean, yes, you are right.” Essek hoped that his fingers slipped and he accidentally crushed himself to death for that failure of a sentence. “Thank you.” Oh, gods _._

“You’re… ah… welcome?” _Oh, gods._

Door. The door. Essek unlocked and opened the front door. “Have, ah, a safe trip home.”

“Thank you.” Caleb stepped through the door as cold air rushed into the foyer.

“Light be with you, Caleb.” Essek said, clinging to that familiar phrase rolling off his tongue.

Caleb looked at him with a smile. “You do not have to say that for my sake. I know you’re not saying it for yours.”

Right, the religious term must have seemed terribly out of place after Essek’s admission to not believing in the Luxon. “Right then. Bye, Caleb.”

“Bis später, Essek.”

And Caleb turned away and left. As he reached the gates of Essek’s estate, he turned back one final time and Essek nearly jumped at being looked at again. Caleb gave a wave and slipped away.

-

Essek managed to get in a few more hours of rest – though his bed had been decidedly less comfortable and strangely cold without Caleb in it – before preparing for the Mighty Nein’s arrival.

In spite of having seen them less than a day before, Essek felt nervous about the prospect of their visit. He couldn’t recall ever hosting seven people. The only gatherings that he ever participated in were of a political or religious nature and none of that had ever taken place at his home – most fortunately. Just the prior evening, the Mighty Nein had made hosting and gatherings seem so effortless. Yet, there he was. Struggling.

He wasn’t entirely _pleased_ with the food he had to offer, which was mostly because he was uncertain about all of it. Perhaps he should have invited them for dinner, after all. Essek often skipped breakfast so it had probably been a bad suggestion from the start. That, and, for an evening meal he could just put wine on the table and the mood and conversation might develop itself. Without him having to provide much of anything else.

Well, it was done, they were invited. Now all he had to do was wait for them to arrive.

And arrive, they did. He missed his opportunity to pretend not to be home as the anxiety building in his nerves told him to. Though as soon as he saw Caleb, at least some of that melted away. It was a pleasant little feeling, that shared but unspoken knowledge that Caleb had been there before several times. That little something between them that seemed to be ever-present, like an invisible thread connecting them. Caleb made a decent show of examining the environment like it was his first time there, but with the way he threw glances at Essek, almost like they were conspiring together, it became clear that he felt that connection, too.

Essek got his guests sufficiently settled, with Beau trying to get him to do… _something_ and Jester not really hiding her displeasure at the lack of sweets and generally just, well, the Mighty Nein being the Mighty Nein. They threw him for a bit of a loop, as they usually did, but it was a pleasant experience all the same – having friends over.

It wasn’t long until Essek and Caleb were en route to his laboratory – Nott in tow. That possessive thing inside of Essek was dismayed at her tagging along, though his logical side – the one that at least got a word in every once in a while – reminded him that it was reasonable. If not for the spell itself, then to protect Caleb and him from the scrutiny of the Nein for a little while longer.

Caleb began to unpack his research and immediately, Essek’s eyes were caught on the words, runes and symbols. He realized that Caleb and him had never really collaborated like this, driven toward the same goal. And he couldn’t wait to find out how they worked in that regard.

He learned within moments that they made an excellent team. The way they traded words, argued ideas and even handed each other utensils – it was as though they had been research partners for years. They finished each other’s equations, handed over components just before the other could ask for them and drove the spell further and further. Nott, it turned out, was a surprisingly capable and skilled assistant, contributing her talents and knowledge at every turn.

Caleb was methodical and practiced in his approach. Smart in his propositions and creative in his ideas. He was like a well-crafted ritual - all the right and needed parts were there, in his mind and actions, combined with carefully devised words, threaded together by magic itself.

There was a moment when Essek looked at the spell and it clicked. The theorem made sense, the entire thing came together. A rush overcame him and he saw it in Caleb, too, and then in Nott, as well. It was a rush because an amazing, huge, arcane riddle had been solved. Completed to an executable point by the likes of them – A Goblin, a runaway Empire wizard and a Drow on his first life. It was a rush because it was a powerful thing that the three of them probably should not have achieved.

And it was a rush to Essek because Caleb’s eyes lit up with excitement and joy and he pulled Essek and Nott into a hug and it was sincere and his happiness was so honest and open and raw and it made Essek want to cry and laugh. It made him almost kiss Caleb but he didn’t and what he did instead was fall for him a little more.

Too soon they descended the stairs to join the others. And a part of that magical rush accompanied them.

Just soon enough the decision to attempt this new, unprecedented magic was made and though he didn’t show it Essek could not have been more excited. It was a colossal, a historic moment and he would get to share it with the Mighty Nein.

The preparation was fast. Essek helped Caleb to get all the magical details of it right. He double checked everything just to be sure. Caleb seemed excited but nervous and thrilled but cautious. And it was so much nicer to be in the company of someone who _lived_ their craft than those who hid behind insincerity and masks. Essek hoped that Caleb could tell that Essek was genuinely excited, too.

It took almost no time at all until they were ready. Nott and Caleb shared some words that made Essek feel like he should not have been there and then she kissed him and he _definitely_ felt like he should not have been there. He tried to choke that possessive, jealous little spike in his heart to death, knowing there was no justification for it.

And then, well, then Essek got to se Caleb _wield_ _magic_. He got to see him cast. Essek had seen him do so before. Hells, he had _made_ him cast a spell just hours before. But this was different. Caleb was sitting there, muttering, weaving magic in his hands, in his head and in his very veins. He was deeply focused, tugging on newly discovered arcane threads and molding and bending them together, honoring his School of choice with each little motion. Essek wanted to glance at the others of the Nein to see whether they were as taken with the display as he was, but he did not want to risk missing even a single second. It looked like Caleb’s mind had left to a different plane of existence as his sharp focus did not stray for a blink from its target. Every minute felt intense and Essek wanted to do something to help but at the same time he wanted to do nothing but watch.

And then it was over.

And nothing changed.

-

“You all talk so closely when you speak to one another.”

Essek had felt a sting in his heart watching Nott emerge from the clay just as she had entered it. The entire room had visibly deflated. And within minutes the Nein had decided to leave and it was fine. Essek had wished he could do something that would counteract this failure. But he had nothing.

So he had stopped Caleb to ask for the spell – that was all the moment had allowed for – and Beau had crept up to them and said _that._

Surely, they noticed the foot of distance Essek added between himself and Caleb as a result and it almost certainly made things worse. Hopefully, Beau would not take it as confirmation of anything, but before Essek could try and find out Caleb was already on her, ushering her away and away and away until they were all gone once more.

Essek sighed, already unfairly missing them. He really did wish that the spell would have worked. Not only because it would have been such a historic event taking place in his presence, in his home- but because it would have prevented the entire Nein’s faces falling all at once. Them trying to figure out whether Nott had become any less green had been heartbreaking to watch. And the disappointment and pain and anger and regret on Caleb’s face had made Essek think that he might try to change Nott’s shape by willpower alone.

Defeated, he went back to his dining room and started to tidy up after his disappeared visitors. He hoped they would be well on their travels. He remembered Beau. He _really_ hoped that they wouldn’t discuss _him_ on their travels.

-

Essek wished that Caleb hadn’t taken all of Halas’ notes with him. Maybe he could have looked them over and searched for an angle on how to fix the situation if he had had them on hand. But without any of the documents that was impossible.

It was probably for the best as it meant that Essek had nothing - safe for his own intrusive thoughts - to distract him from his work the next few days. And with peace negotiations in the near future, that was decidedly a good thing. He managed to keep any thoughts about Caleb or the Mighty Nein as a whole at bay for the most part as he threw himself into his work once more. He did ponder what he actually wanted from Caleb, as he had decided that was necessary. But for the most part, he managed to fulfill his actual obligations rather well.

Some of the assets Essek oversaw had to be kept in a form of stasis – no advancement due to the risk of angering the opposition, but no retreat or regression due to the fear of vulnerability. The most relevant duties belonged to the Dusk Captain, of course, though Essek had to command and ensure the proper placement of operatives. Tilting the Lens just right, so to speak. After all, there were no foreign operatives allowed on either side within days, but the Dynasty had to remain informed.

And then there was the prisoner, of course. The faux interrogation had concluded, so he was mostly done in that regard. But he had to ensure that Adeen would not become a weak link in his plan. That man would have to fully live up to his role as the scapegoat. And Essek was on his way to get just another bit of reassurance that he would.

He was hovering through the Firmaments, on his way to the Shadowshire when-

“Shadowhand!”

With a sigh as though the sheer action to turn was a burden, he looked over to face the owner of that call. And immediately, his insides recoiled. He just hoped his displeasure, tension and suspicions weren’t as visible on him as they felt. “Good day.” He greeted the Den representative.

She approached him without hesitation. Essek read her body language, her gait, her demeanor. There was no hint of any ailment or disability. He had expected as much but the proof was almost discomforting to see.

“Another fortunate meeting.” Essek said, not minding the curtness in his voice.

“Not quite.” She admitted. “I was hoping to run into you this time.”

Essek quirked an eyebrow at the honesty. If it was that. “Apologies, but it would have been much easier for you to seek me out at the Bastion.”

“I tried, but I was told of your absence. So I tried to find you at a different location.” She explained.

It struck Essek as odd, of course, but he knew further prodding would be useless. “I see. Well, what can I do for you, then?”

“It is just the property matter, I have received no word about further developments and I was really hoping that we could finally advance it somewhat.”

That… seemed strange. The matter it had been frozen. On Essek’s request. It had been halted until further notice and if she had made any inquiry into it, at all, she would have been told about it. Hells, they probably had sent out a letter to her, asking for her patience. “Have you been in to speak with the relevant aides about it since last time?”

“Yes.” Lie. That was a blatant lie. Or she would have known. Essek noted that her face did not twitch, her gaze did not wander. There was not a single indication that she was telling a falsehood other than the fact that her words themselves made no sense. Most Denmembers and representatives were trained to navigate discussions and twist words to their advantages. But they weren’t extremely accomplished liars by nature. “But they could not help me. You know how those people are, sometimes. They did not even remember my previous visit.”

She was lying through her teeth. She hadn’t been there and she probably hadn’t asked for Essek, either. He could call her out on it, but it would scare her off and notify her that he was onto her. “I see, that is very unfortunate, indeed. Much to my dismay, as it stands, there is not much I can do. Matters like this have been put on hold for the most part. And property matters as a whole are not within my area of expertise.”

“You continue to say that, though it strikes me as odd.” The representative pondered loudly, her tone neutral.

“… I beg your pardon?”

“Your Den has gifted a rather lavish house to that foreign mercenary group, correct?” She gestured at the tree that was still looming over most of the neighborhood.

Essek’s heart was thumping. He wasn’t sure why she was bringing them up and he wasn’t sure that he wanted to know. Clearly, she had intended to eventually segue into this. “Such a gift is hardly the same as being versed in property law. It was ours to give and we gave it as per direction of Deirta Thelyss.” Essek explained truthfully.

“I have always wondered what they have done to earn the good graces of Den Thelyss. With the situation as is, I hoped you might enlighten me.”

This was wrong. So wrong. This broke so many social norms, Den protocols, matters of propriety. Approaching him out of nowhere in public had already been crossing a line, though subtly. Simply asking about Den intentions? That was just not done. And, if Essek was honest, it broke the spirit of the whole backstabbing politics that they all practiced like a pastime. But pointing this out to her would have drawn attention to whatever mask she had built falling. And Essek needed her complacent and secure if he wanted to find out what she was hiding. “They have returned a Beacon to the Dynasty. They have returned hope to this nation when there was nearly none to be had. That act, in the eyes of my Den, earned to be rewarded. With a house.”

“And magic, yes?”

Essek froze.

“I have heard rumors that you lend your magical talents to them quite a bit.” She finally volunteered and Essek hoped to all the gods that that was all she had heard. Or seen. Or uncovered.

“My gifts are mine to give and lend as I see fit.” Essek pointed out, perhaps a little too harsh in his tone. “It is not the will of my Den as much as my own choice.”

“I suppose that makes sense.” She relented. “Especially if they bring peace to our nations. Then we can also get back to that property matter. Once everything is the way it is supposed to be.”

What. What the hells was that supposed to mean. And how. She could not know about the upcoming peace negotiations. She couldn’t. That information had been stuck inside the Bastion with everyone sworn to secrecy. He hadn’t heard rumors of the news spreading, yet, either. The Lens had found no chatter about it in Rosohna. Everything was fine in that regard. Or it was _supposed_ to be. “Of course.” Essek agreed, feigning ignorance. “Once everything is in order, we can discuss this again.”

“Ah, yes. I just wanted to ensure that it was still on your mind. You understand, yes?”

“… I understand.” No he didn’t, he didn’t understand at all. This whole conversation was almost surreal. Like he’d taken the wrong turn on his way to the Shadowshire and he’d somehow ended up in a different reality. This woman had been strange before, but she had been nowhere near this blunt. Instead she’d been coy, tugging at invisible little strings of conversation. It was as if she was suddenly pressured to find out things. Or like she had stumbled into some sort of time crunch.

“Well, I must be going then.” She suddenly said, punctuating the end of their conversation. Essek didn’t feel nearly done with it but he had nothing to say that would prevent her from leaving. Nothing that wasn’t blatant and obvious. And he couldn’t very well arrest her to keep her from marching off. On what grounds? Bluntness? “Light be with you and that group of yours, Shadowhand.”

Before he could reply she had already turned her back and was leaving. All Essek could do was narrow his eyes at her back.

That and take matters into his hands.

He made the quick decision that, if he could not keep her there, he could at least follow her. So he subtly and quietly hovered a few paces behind her. He felt rather good about the decision, felt like he was on the verge of finally getting some answers. But as he turned the same corner as her a few moments after she had disappeared behind it, she was gone. Just… gone. Slipped away into some unknown direction within the blink of an eye.

Essek halted. He heard his blood rushing in his ears and for a moment he felt faint. This woman, this supposed Den representative had just violated a myriad of Rosohna’s social norms. And she must have known. But she hadn’t even acknowledged it. Worse, she had asked about the Mighty Nein and though Essek hoped that he hadn’t relented too much information, there were probably volumes spoken in between each vocalized syllable. A protective glance, a defiant motion, anything may have given away that he’d grown to care.

A dangerous thing to have shared if she was a Den representative.

A _terrifying_ one if she wasn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why does the expression “Breakfast and Spellwork” give me “Netflix and Chill” vibes?
> 
> Hiii, yes I’m still alive. Sorry this one took a bit longer. Real life, y’know. Boo.
> 
> Comments and Kudos are wonderful and appreciated and fuel the writing engine!!
> 
> (And holy fuck looking at the Kudo counter gives me mild heart palpitations but in a good way.)


	19. Bis später, Essek

_“But, ah, while I agree that my group should not find out, if possible…” Caleb pressed his lips together and eyed his glass. “And while I do believe myself to be quite capable of keeping a secret…” He looked back up. “I would ask that you refrain from using your, ah, resources in a punitive manner should this secret spill over accidentally.”_

_“Accidentally?” Essek narrowed his eyes. “How would your group find out if not by your words?”_

_“Hm. Some of them have a bit of a knack for this type of thing. Our upbeat blue friend is particularly invested in, shall I say, ‘theorizing’ about things of this nature.” Caleb mused, his gaze following something nonexistent floating through the air. “And Herr Clay is very capable of perceiving many things in someone’s expressions alone. Things that appear invisible to everyone else.”_

_“So you would not withstand an interrogation of theirs?”_

_“Interrogation…” Caleb echoed and shook his head lightly. “That is not what I meant. If they were to ask me directly, I am confident I could keep quiet. What I am more worried about is that they will stumble upon the truth regardless. Some version of it, at the very least.”_

_“You do have a knack for stumbling into… all kinds of predicaments.” Essek pondered. “Well, provided that they keep that information to themselves, I think we should be fine. Though I would still prefer not risking it by letting them know on purpose. I certainly will not hold you responsible if your friends were to just… figure this out on their own somehow.” He pressed his lips together. “And if by ‘punitive resources’ you mean I will throw you and yours into the Dungeon and be done with it, I fear for the image you hold of me.”_

_Caleb looked back at his glass. “It is not so much my image of you. You are a man of secrets and reputation, ja? Some people will go very far to protect those.”_

_“I suppose. But you will find I cannot simply arrest you without reason. Even if I wanted to.” Essek volunteered. He paused. “On a related note. If your group were to find out, would they be amiable?”_

_“Would they be okay with us having a physical relationship?” Caleb rephrased the question. “I worry they would think me compromised in any further discussions about the Dynasty. I do not know how much, ah, credibility they would ascribe to my contributions or opinions regarding this nation or the war. And my credibility among them is something I would very much like to maintain. I know that I can separate this from anything else. I fear they might not trust me to do so.”_

_“I understand. My credibility is a very vital part of my position, as well.” Essek sympathized. “So let us each do everything we can to maintain appearances.”_

_“Ja, I agree.”_

_“Will you lie to them, then? About this?” Essek tested._

_“If I must, yes. I would much rather work with omissions than blatant falsehoods but either way there will be non-truths spoken. Though…” Caleb paused. “If the situation calls for me to speak openly about this, say for the sake of our safety, I will do so. I promise you I am keen on having this arrangement and on preserving its secrecy. But if there comes a time when I have to decide between this and the group, there is no question in my mind which direction I will go.”_

_“Of course. Anything else would have been, ah, very strange, indeed.”_

-

“You have sent for me, Shadowhand?”

Essek watched the operative bow after she approached him in one of the deserted hallways of the Lucid Bastion. After the uncomfortable talk he had had in the Firmaments, this had been his highest priority. The Dungeon of Penance could wait. Something else had rapidly become much more important. “Yes. Thank you for coming here. I have asked you here to describe the most recent movements of the person of interest. Just from today.”

“Of course. She spent her day in bed with the occasional break to what I assume was the washroom.” The operative recounted. “There was one visitor to the estate who entered with a key. They prepared meals for her throughout the day, brought them to her and cared for her. They left again just shortly before I left my post. There still appears to be no full-time caretaker in spite of the worsening condition of the mark. With the way she attempts to steer clear of windows during her movements, I assume this to be a matter of secrecy. Though her staff must be aware.”

“That is all?” Essek asked, feeling his throat starting to close up as confirmation crept into the back of his mind, seeping into his consciousness like a thick acidic ooze. “She did not leave the estate?”

Something born of curiosity flickered through the operative’s eyes. “No, Shadowhand. I was aware of all her movements. While I was at my post, she remained within my sight except for a cumulative ten minutes or so, spread out over at least five instances.”

“Could it perhaps have been an illusion?” Essek pressed.

“An illusion, Sir?”

“Yes. Or some other form of magic to make it appear as though she was home when she was not.” Essek elaborated, grasping at straws. He knew he was only pushing the inevitable thought away. He knew what he would learn from this discussion. It had been dawning on him too slowly and now it was crushing down on him all at once.

“I apologize, I am not very well-acquainted with the arcane arts, so I cannot say for certain. However, I saw her eat, move about - though very little - and sleep as well as interact with one of her staff. Her movements are still labored, as well. If this is a magical depiction, I would assume it to be rather powerful.” She pondered.

Essek felt his palms clammy with cold sweat. “That is a correct assumption. In that case, she was indeed within your sight.” Everything felt wrong. Like someone had scooped out all of his insides and replaced them with nervous energy. “Thank you for the report, this has been helpful.”

“What are my further orders?” She asked. “Shall I continue my observation?”

Essek contemplated his options and he felt as though he was holding onto a scream. Coherence and logic a breath away from dissipating entirely. He felt like his ears were filled with a high pitched note accompanied by indecipherable noise. Forming words was turning into a chore. A thought managed to push its way through. “You said food was being brought to and prepared at her house?”

“Correct.”

“See to it that the responsible staff for both purchase and preparation are replaced with someone equally as qualified. I care not for who, someone ordinary. Have it seem like a normal exchange of staff. Routine, perhaps.” Essek ordered, hoping to bring this conversation to a quick end as his heart pounded and pounded and pounded and the moisture vanished from his mouth and the air from his lungs. But he had to hold out. He needed to provide proper instructions. He _needed_ to find out what had happened.

“Yes, Sir.”

“If possible, without raising any eyebrows, lightly question the current staff about their routines. No capture or interrogation. Just an ordinary conversation, if you can facilitate it.”

“Of course. Is there anything specific I should try to find out?” The operative asked.

“I wish to rule out the possibility of the food being the cause of the mark’s mysterious ailment. So any recent changes in their routines, any suspicious locations they purchase produce from or anything of the sort might all be interesting avenues to pursue.” He explained, hoping he wasn’t revealing too much about his thought process but sincerely being unable to care as anxiety clawed at his every thought.

“Understood. I will make sure to find out. What is my time frame?”

“For the switch of staff, within the next three days, I would say. But as soon as possible. As for the questioning, I would ask you to be swift, too, but prioritize subtlety over efficiency.” Essek explained. He knew he was asking light and Luxon from this operative but he _really_ needed some answers. “Other than that continue your observation.”

“Of course.”

“Good. Thank you for your time. You are dismissed.” Essek verbally released her.

“Thank you.” She gave a bow and left as quickly as she had appeared.

The moment she turned the corner, Essek’s hands shot up from under his mantle to grip at his head. Terror held him with a firm grasp and his composure began to crumble. He wanted, desperately, to scream. He hadn’t seen it. For far too long he had been oblivious. Had thought he was being questioned by an obnoxious politics-obsessed snob like the rest of them, not a real threat. Not a _fake._ He hadn’t seen it for _over a lightless month._ Gods above and below, she had been in his home. _In his home._

Panic sat in his throat bubbling and bubbling and boiling over any second and he tried desperately to swallow it. He had to pull himself together, find the composure he’d lost. It was okay, it was fine. He was the Shadowhand. Making things go away was his profession. He closed his eyes and found sparks and darkness dancing behind the lids. It was dead quiet, yet he felt extremely aware of every distant noise, every shuffle of feet a few hallways over, every closing of a door somewhere within the building. He wasn’t even sure whether he was floating anymore.

Who was this person? What was their angle? What had they been trying to accomplish? Question after question after question shot through his head and no helpful answer came to him in response. Not a single one. Gods, they had met him at the marketplace. They had asked about the Nein. _They had asked about the Mighty Nein and magic._

They knew. He wasn’t sure what they knew but _they fucking knew_. They were onto him. He just didn’t know what direction they were looking into. And it was a horribly vulnerable position to be in.

-

Essek was glad that he made it through his little… episode without a single scream. And without crumpling to the floor and curling up. It was a low bar to clear, in hindsight, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He managed to make it through with some measure of grace, regaining his composure enough to glide among others within approximately thirty minutes.

It was evening and the atmosphere in the Bastion was as tense as ever. But as if to spite every urge in his head to go home into the violated safety of his towers, he stayed. He had to. He had orders to issue, demanding that all operatives in and around Rosohna were to be on the lookout for Empire spies. It was a reasonable order and no one would question it if they heard it as Empire spies had to be withdrawn. Hopefully, letting this alertness ripple through the network might make the operatives bring any suspicious activity at all to his attention.

He didn’t know whether the fake representative had _been_ an Empire spy. She might have been, but she might very well have come from every other direction. Many swords pointed at him. One had begun to advance. And replaying and dissecting all of their conversations over and over and over again in his head didn’t seem to lead him any closer to the truth. But he couldn’t ask his operatives to be on the lookout for ‘just anything’ and he _especially_ couldn’t ask them to be on the lookout for anything related to treason going on within Rosohna. For several reasons. Asking them to search for the enemy would cause alertness, which in turn might make it harder for the fake to hide.

With everything in order, he finally left the guarded walls of the Bastion. And the second he left he felt paranoia glued to his back. He wanted to turn around every other minute, feeling as though eyes were piercing through his very soul. Though he found no one looking. A part of him wanted to request an escort but he knew that that was attention he couldn’t actually risk drawing.

If only he had something to hold onto. Some piece of information to actively pursue. He would feel less open and worried and vulnerable. If he, at the very least, knew where that fake had come from. Or who she had been or who she had been working for. If he could know what she had been after then he could tell whether he had accidentally provided it or not. But like this, she was one soul in over 113000 in Rosohna. One needle in a very big haystack. A needle with an unknown shape, size and purpose. And that was if she was still there.

-

The evening grew later and later but it just did not seem to pass. It was as if that awful day had decided to take a larger amount of time for itself than any other days were allotted, going on and on.

Essek wanted to be tired. To just keel over into his bed and trance right away. And he was positively _exhausted_. But not in the way that would allow him to catch a second of rest. So he met the day’s stubbornness to linger with his own, sitting in his laboratory and going over notes. The paranoia was still there, settled deeply into his bones and he tried to fight it with distraction. His grade of success fluctuated from moment to moment.

He tried to think of the pleasant memory on working on Halas’ spell with Caleb in that very room, but the memory, the thought of Caleb, would just not stick. Normally it was an easy distraction, a simple joy to indulge in even at times when he tried not to. Now it was only tarnished by that glaring ‘What if?’. _What if that person had found out about them?_

Depending on who she was and what she was after, that could be disastrous for either of them. And in truth, Essek wasn’t sure how subtle Caleb and him had managed to be. He knew that the Nein were growing somewhat aware of what was going on. Or, at the very least, that _something_ was going on between them. Beau’s statement – which still occasionally returned to his mind – and several looks he’d received confirmed this suspicion. But it looked to be nothing more than speculation on their behalf. And they knew Caleb. And they were growing to know Essek. They would learn of such a secret more easily than any outsider. So maybe the arrangement had not been as obvious as it seemed.

Or so Essek hoped.

“Shadowhand.”

The Martinet’s voice cut through his thoughts like a shard of ice. The low bubbling paranoia boiled over into fear. Essek didn’t want this. He just didn’t want it. He couldn’t handle it. Not right then. “We trust that you are setting up the negotiations as planned. We will expect you on board. If the Mighty Nein return to you, encourage them to steer clear of the negotiations.”

Essek exhaled a breath of relief. Nothing further requested. Just a, for lack of a much better term, check-in. “I shall do my best. Though you have learned of their unpredictability.” It was best not to make promises in regards to the Nein, Essek had discovered.

No further response. Some of the tension left his shoulders.

He mulled over the message. He wouldn’t be able to tell them to steer clear of anything. They would go where they pleased and it would only draw suspicion for him to address the negotiations with them. Hells, he didn’t even know whether they _would_ return to him before-

Return to him.

Essek’s eyes narrowed as they fixed on a point in the air. The Martinet had mentioned them returning to him. But.. how could he know that they were not in Rosohna right then? Essek leaned forward as he stared at the ground instead. Perhaps he had Scried on them. Though with Caleb’s ward, he would not risk it. He hadn’t risked it before. Perhaps the Nein had ventured into the Assembly’s domain? But even if they were in the Empire, Essek was certain the Nein had no means of getting to Rexxentrum _that_ quickly and it would take longer for anyone of the Assembly to be aware if they had appeared somewhere else. News did not travel _that_ fast.

Not unless they were specifically requested.

Not unless they were asked of someone who knew they were no longer with Essek.

Fuck. _Fuck._

_It had been right in front of him all along._

Essek could almost hear his heartbeat tripling in speed as fear clumped almost painfully in his chest, constricting every breath through what felt like a torn and ragged throat. He grew hot and cold at once, nerves making his hair stand on end.

The fake. She was _his._ She was _theirs._

By all the gods behind the Divine Gate. By all the planes and realms and worlds.

_She was theirs._

Essek swallowed thickly as memories ran through his mind. He realized that the suspicion had been there before. Yet, the evidence hadn’t been telling enough. Not so clear cut that it had been the only explanation for her demeanor. But it made a terrifying amount of sense. She had known of the peace negotiations, she was uncannily interested in seeking him out, she had insisted on seeing his home, had all but trailed him around the marketplace, had been strange and odd in her approaches-

She had been keeping tabs on him. For _them._

For _over a month_.

Essek grew frantic. It must have been her since ever after the talks with the representative in the Bastion. She had made an early strike getting into his home before he had had the chance to get suspicious. Essek swallowed. _Her and Caleb had been one bad decision away from meeting that night._

Would Caleb have maybe recognized her? Somehow? Through the disguise? With her ease of lying, the simplicity with which she assumed a role, Essek could only think that she had to be a Scourger. 

A Scourger personally sent to watch him. Essek wanted to throw up.

And now she was lost to the winds. Still in Rosohna or back in the Empire. Gods, what had she discovered? What had she relayed? Did the Assembly already know that he’d grown soft for the Nein? He had to calm down. He had to get a grip. Panicking wouldn’t help, it’d make things worse. She couldn’t have noticed anything at his home. And their conversations had always been surface level at best. Unless she had been casting under her breath without him noticing. Unless she had managed to follow him at the market. Unless- Variables. Too many variables.

Scry. He could scry. He had it prepared. He could Scry on her.

He took in a deep breath, tried to right himself and wove the gestures into the air. There wasn’t even a second before he could feel the spell repelled. Like when he’d tried to Scry on Caleb way back when. He remembered Caleb’s necklace, the one he refused to take off at all costs. Now he understood why.

At least that confirmed one thing. She was of the same stock as Caleb.

-

Rest was the furthest thing on Essek’s mind that night.

He wasted another half hour or so going over possible methods of finding her himself before coming to the conclusion that it was useless. There was no trail to pursue. He then switched obsessions and started going over all the warding he had placed around his home. He checked every single lock, every single sigil just to make sure that no one could get in unnoticed. It seemed to all be proper and in place and like he had wanted it. So he checked everything a second time. He managed to tear himself away from a third.

He tried to come up with a plan of action. He had the Lens looking out for suspicious activity. An operative was still watching the real representative’s home. And that seemed to be about as much as he could do for the time being unless he wanted to alert his co-conspirators that he had learned of their little plot. Which he would not.

By the fourth hour after the Martinet’s intrusion, Essek managed to calm his nerves somewhat. The fake being sent by the Assembly at the very least meant that there was no additional risk to his treason being revealed. If she was operating under their control, she would have been ordered to silence. She was trapped in the net of mutually assured destruction with her masters and her opponent.

Essek couldn’t know how much she had deduced from his actions. But worst case, she knew that he had befriended the Nein and that he was seeing one of them, unfortunately the Empire one, on a regular basis for extracurricular activities. It was by no means a good look – it threw his allegiance to them thoroughly into question – but he had not told the Nein about the Assembly. He had not, strictly speaking, violated the spoken or unspoken rules of their conspiracy. Though, if there was one thing his co-conspirators did not care for, it was rules.

If they found out that he’d shared magic with Caleb and information and more, what then? That was suspicious. That would raise questions. That might have to make him distance himself from his friends. What if he suddenly had to cut off Caleb or the entire Mighty Nein for some reason like an aching limb? If he couldn’t bring himself to do so, because he felt like it was impossible?

Intrusively, another question made itself noticed in Essek’s mind. What if Caleb never, ever learned the truth about his feelings because the Assembly decided his fate based on faulty information? If Essek vanished and his treason was publicized and all Caleb would ever think was that he had been used by traitor. That there had never been more to it. That Essek had never wanted more.

The thought made him want to cry. He’d yearned for more stability to confess. For a planned path and a clear-cut request. He had wanted to be in control. But he was only losing more and more of that.

He should have just fucking told Caleb. He should have said that he loved him.

-

Discomfort was a mild word for what plagued Essek into the next day.

He was rather unfocused as Adeen was being hauled into a cart, shackled and bound. It was a sendoff Essek did not need to be there for but felt important to attend, if only to assure himself that his scapegoat was, in fact, gone. No one questioned his presence to oversee the event and no one gave him so much as a curious look. Even if unnecessary, it made sense for him to be there. Should Adeen somehow emerge from his stupor – As Essek was certain he wouldn’t – and make for an escape attempt, there was no one more capable at stifling it than the Shadowhand. Especially without actually killing the prisoner in the process.

Essek was glad to be rid of this particular Taskhand. Though he was but a shadow of his former self, seeing him still send boiling hatred into Essek’s gut, shooting up his throat like bile. Every foot placed between the two of them was one that Essek would thank the gods for. Yet, he was concerned. In the Dungeon of Penance, Essek had had full domain over him and had been in control over the flow of information. But from this point forward, he had to trust all the measures he’d taken. Had to believe that he had done enough to cover his tracks. Essek had faith in his magic. If he hadn’t had faith in that there would have been not much else for him to believe in. Yet, there was that small nagging voice in the back of his mind that screamed of panic as the procession containing Adeen left. 

He risked a subtle glance around. No one out of the ordinary was there to witness the event. No one to draw attention. And a quick Detect Magic allowed him to perceive no disguise by magical means. All in all, he felt a bit of relief as the procession grew smaller and smaller in the distance. One thing less on his plate. One thing that there would be no sense in worrying about. Now if only all his other concerns could be as easily carted away, Essek could relax.

-

It hadn’t even been a handful of days since the Nein had left, yet it felt like a century had passed. The moment they had walked out of his towers, they had apparently left the door open for a cluster of problems and chaos to wander in.

There was still nothing he could do about the fake, lest he directly ask his co-conspirators and that was a hand he certainly didn’t want to play. He had no means of searching for her himself. The only thing he could hope for was that, if she was still in Rosohna, she would make herself known. Perhaps she had not learned what she was after, anyway. Perhaps she would start another attempt, not knowing that Essek was onto her.

Perhaps she would stick around to make sure that Essek wouldn’t, eventually.

Essek was thankful to be in the Bastion for once. She was probably not capable of slipping past the warding. It settled the paranoia, at least marginally. He just wished he had a plan. Some method of luring her out.

With a sigh, Essek navigated to a hallway devoid of people. For a moment, anyway.

“Thank you for accepting my request to meet.”

Essek turned to meet the eyes of his operative. She gave him the customary bow. “Right. I assume you have come upon new information?”

“Yes. I managed to exchange the staff on person of interest’s estate right after your request and, just today, had a discrete yet thorough conversation with the now former chef.” She explained. “I was disguised, of course.”

“And?” Essek coaxed.

“And he explained his routines in great detail. Rather talkative after he found out he had been replaced. Nothing about the locations where he or his colleagues purchased goods or how he prepared meals was suspicious and I could not detect a lie. He was asked to attend the estate in regular intervals to provide for all culinary needs. That included the purchase of food with a budget provided by the Den itself and the preparation and serving thereof. He had been performing this task for this particular estate for about a decade or so. I inquired about the nature of the meals he made and I was told that while they varied; he usually had a number of meals he would repeat. Every few months or so he would be approached by the person of interest and asked to make changes, simply due to changes of taste or requests for new experiences, by his estimation. Include meals into the rotation or drop them.”

“Any recent changes to their routine?”

The operative nodded. “I asked and yes, about three months ago – though he could not quite recall the date or time frame – the staff was asked to include a new spice from Marquet in some of the dishes. He has apparently forgotten its name, though seemed genuine about his inability to recall. The spice was given to him by the person of interest herself.”

“Have you procured this spice?”

“Unfortunately not. It is within the kitchen. I would have to infiltrate the home to obtain it.” She explained.

Essek gave a contemplative nod. He had suspected the food. Poison could have easily been mixed into it as a source of this mystery illness. Especially considering that the staff were the only people that had remained close to the representative after she had become bedridden. The timeline was slightly off. But it made sense if the ‘spice’ was only added to some of the meals. Depending on what the substance actually was it would not produce notable symptoms for a while. Or perhaps only in combination with certain foods or liquids. He couldn’t be sure. “Refrain from doing so for now.”

“Of course.”

“Return to your post for the time being.” Essek contemplated. “Though, try to see whether the spice is still being added to meals by the new staff. I assume without direction they will not use it. But if they start doing so, find a method of getting them to stop. I trust your abilities. You may enter the home for that reason and that reason only if there is no other method.”

“Yes, Sir.” She replied dutifully.

“Additionally, I would like you to start spreading rumors about the person of interest. Those that whisper of her ailment, let them whisper of her miraculous and quick recovery. And add to this medical wonder that she recalls a strange individual. Someone wearing her face.” Essek halted. “Make it seem as though people are only slowly starting to believe her but to believe nonetheless. Can you do this?”

“Of course, Shadowhand.”

Essek nodded in approval. False rumors were a fine art form. “Once this is done return to your post as you have been until now. I have reason to believe that someone may, in the future, try to intrude upon the estate. If this happens, apprehend them using the Dark Sun protocol.”

At that the operative looked at him with raised eyebrows. “Permission to speak freely, Sir?”

“Granted.”

“That protocol is usually exclusively applied to the capture of Empire operatives.” She said tentatively, as if afraid of offending. “Considering recent rulings, are you certain that this is the protocol you wish executed? Or shall I only do so after discerning their place of origin?”

“Do it regardless. If you apprehend someone who does not fall under the normal application for it, there will be no harmful consequences for you.” Essek said honestly. He might have to consider a promotion for this operative if this was all ever over.

“As you wish, Shadowhand.” She gave a bow. “I will return to my post and act as commanded.”

“Please do.” Essek agreed.

And with that, she left. Essek felt somewhat lighter. If his suspicions were correct, the fake would come to take care of the representative once she heard the rumors. After all, the real one was not supposed to get better, yet. And she certainly wasn’t supposed to already be telling people about her concerns.

Essek was not _entirely_ certain what he would do with the fake once she had been apprehended. If it was going to happen. Questioning those types never really yielded any results – they were trained too well for that. She was most likely no exception. But sealing her away without means of communicating with her masters would already be doing him a service. He would just have to continue to act normally and make no show that he knew whom he had apprehended, especially in the company of his co-conspirators.

Essek felt relatively good about his plan. At least he wasn’t entirely without options. At least there was something to be done.

-

Essek had thought that with Adeen gone, a plan for the fake in place and most of his wartime duties on hold, he would find himself a little less distracted. He had been wrong. Unfortunately, with the peace negotiations drawing ever closer, his mind was still running at a million words a minute. He listed off the things he had to get done and set in order within the next few days. Soon, too soon, he would have to meet his co-conspirators face to face. It had been discussed, agreed upon, that he would visit. And it was an agreement he could not break.

He loathed the thought of looking the people in the eyes who had sent an operative after him, who held a large portion of his safety in their hands, who could still easily become living nightmares to the Mighty Nein. Who had, perhaps, already been nightmares to Caleb.

Essek’s gaze lowered, his eyes narrowed at the steps below him as he walked up the stairs of one of his towers. A familiar guilt expanded in his chest again, tugging heavily and painfully at his heart. It had become a familiar sensation. It would have been easy to wish his heart cold and dead, but he did not. He didn’t wish that he had never gotten close to the Mighty Nein, though it would have been easier for him to stay distant. But he did wish that they weren’t endangered by his partners. He wanted to will things to be different, to protect them. To protect _him_. His match.

He just wanted him to be safe and well and protected. And for those who had hurt him to pay the price for it. _Why hadn’t he found the nerve to tell him so?_

Because he wanted to be in control of the situation. He wanted to know the variables surrounding it better than he did, wanted to have the upper hand. Wanted to save face, perhaps. But would the conclusion of the negotiations really allow for this? Would there ever be a situation like that?

“Question: if we needed to Teleport somewhere, would you be able to do it because you love us now? Or is still, like, not cool?”

Jester’s intrusion was surprisingly welcome, if startling as ever. Essek composed the reply in his head. "Well, that depends on where are you going. If it is a place I don't know, there is significant risk.” He hesitated. "But possible."

He waited for another message, but none came. He wasn’t sure whether this meant that they were interested in another Teleport or not. After all, they had taken risks with his magic before and it had, somehow, always ended moderately well. No one had died or gotten seriously injured.

He wondered where they might be wanting to go to.

-

There was something extremely pleasant about having the Mighty Nein seek him out at home again.

Essek couldn’t place the feeling. He still wasn’t exactly _fond_ of being a host – not that this particular instance required much hosting – as he still felt extremely inept at it. But it had been an embarrassingly long time since he’d had someone he would consider a friend, or even a true ally, pay a visit to him before the breakfast had happened. It certainly hadn’t occurred in the time he’d lived in his towers. Caleb had come to see him, of course, but that had been different. It had been mostly transactional, even if they had become friends and it had caused feelings to blossom in Essek’s chest. This was a group of friends coming to visit and it was different and odd and terrifying and great.

There was something soft, something fragile about the warmth in his chest as he opened his gate to them and lead them inside. He knew they were there for another favor, another Teleport, or Jester wouldn’t have Sent ahead and asked about the risks. But after their shared dinner, after all of that, he found he didn’t mind as much as had before.

Though he would ask for favors in kind one day, because gods knew there would come a time when he would need all the help he could get, he found himself willing to offer his magic based much more on this kinship he’d found with them rather than on the promise of something in return.

Caleb asked him about the political situation and Essek explained a bit, holding his gaze intently and saying a million words with his eyes that he couldn’t with his lips. Or, so he hoped. And he hoped, too, that they would return fast after the peace negotiations, if they didn’t intend to visit before then. Because then, finally, he could speak of love to Caleb and they could figure out what to do with that. Caleb held his gaze much more than he used to and Essek told himself that it didn’t mean anything, but he couldn’t help get a little lost again.

Just how bad would it be to lean over and kiss him?

It would be bad, no doubt, but would it be friendship-ending in relations to the Nein or just a minor hiccup? How would they react? Essek imagined it would be a chorus of ‘I called it’ and ‘What the fuck’. Rightfully, so. Would they be shocked or more confused? More importantly, would they embrace it and run with it or ditch him when they had just begun to accept him?

Would Caleb allow it and reciprocate or pull back? There was a decent chance he might pretend not to understand at all what Essek had done, feigning ignorance over their agreement. He had wanted to keep it secret, after all.

Fortunately, the Nein’s messy rambling pulled him out of that stream of consciousness, snapping him back into the moment with the fact that they didn’t know where they wanted to go. Briefly, Essek wondered what kind of spell it might take to bring someone to a destination they didn’t even know they want to go to. But then they had it figured out and he realized that they had picked another risky location. There was talk of waiting until the next day so that Essek could Scry on it and he felt his heart jolt at the suggestion, casting a glance in Caleb’s direction. A night might give them time, a night and they could meet again and actually talk and Essek could say those things that-

Ah, the Nein wanted to go right away. Well then.

He could have probably objected on the grounds of making the success of his spell more probable if given a night, but he didn’t want to draw unnecessary suspicion. And since Caleb hadn’t made an effort to reject the notion of Teleporting immediately, he wouldn’t do so either.

So he cleared the space and asked them to hold hands – something that was completely superfluous to the spell and that Essek knew Caleb would find out eventually, if he hadn’t already – and he hoped his odds were good as began to mutter the incantation. He felt the magic in the room and in his veins swell, being called upon by arcane words and his focus. For a moment, everything around him dropped away into nothingness.

Bright.

It was so damn bright.

Essek winced as he opened his eyes. It took a long, long moment for him to be able to perceive anything other than blinding white. His senses returned to him and there was the scent of salt and sea, the soothing sound of crushing waves and the awful, _hateful_ blinding sun above.

The Nein were immediately looking around, trying to discern whether they had arrived where they had wanted to go and Essek really hoped that they had.

Within moments Jester created a parasol and pressed it into his hand – he really ought to have a look at that paintbrush of hers sometime. It was a bit silly, perhaps, but it offered him blessed shade and the Nein seemed approving of the display so he held onto it with dignity and style. Or, he hoped he did. He was positively boiling underneath his mantle and he could already feel his face damp with sweat. There was plenty of sand to draw a Teleportation Circle, but he waited to make sure that the Nein were where they had wanted to go. That and, just a minute more of their company was a treat he would allow himself. Even if he was being cooked in the process.

Caduceus started what seemed to be a communion with his deity. Of the gods that Essek had learned had an eye on the Nein, Caduceus’ was definitely the one he trusted the most. He’d done a bit of research on the Wildmother. After all, they had planted a tree, at least somewhat in her name, on top of their house in the Firmaments. And it had seemed prudent to know what sort of deity was being appeased there. The … Traveler seemed much more… much less… Jester was a bit confusing when speaking about his doctrine. And whatever Fjord had carried or was carrying around with him – from the glimpses and information Essek had gathered - was even worse. Though all of that was beside the point.

“I apologize that we don’t have more time.” Essek blinked, the verbal intrusion into his head sudden and tinted in the warm, comfortable Zemnian lilt he adored. He looked around and saw Caleb turned away as if inspecting their location. But upon closer examination he was whispering into a copper wire.

Essek tilted his newly acquired parasol and pretended to dig through the belongings on his person as he replied. “Not to worry, I had assumed you would be absent for much longer, this is preferable.”

Caleb was shifting his weight around on his feet, looking about occasionally to angle himself in just the right way to avoid suspicion. Most eyes were on the jungle and Caduceus. “Alright. I, ah, am looking forward to discussing the book with you once we get a moment.”

Love surged through Essek. He realized that there wasn’t really a point to this interaction other than to have it. Which was… strangely comforting. “I am looking forward to it, as well.” Essek glanced at the jungle that would be swallowing up the Nein soon. “Do be safe. I, ah, I have something important I wish to discuss with you when we get the chance. Other than literature.”

Essek saw Caleb shooting him a look at that. That endearing familiar curiosity emanated from it, coupled with confusion. “Is something wrong?”

Essek paused. He smiled and he noticed Caleb catching it. “No. Not at all.”

“Good. Because I was hoping to speak to you, too, when we have a moment. It is, ah, important.”

“Indeed?” Essek stared at Caleb but that was the last message that managed to get whispered as Caduceus seemed pleased with the responses he had received and with their location. No further Teleports required. No further time for Essek to remain, either.

Essek looked at the jungle that they were seemingly going to head into. It was the absolute opposite of what he would consider a place suitable for himself. Hot and damp and full of insects and unpredictable, nasty wildlife. Fascinating in its own right, probably, but definitely nothing for anyone but a seasoned adventurer. Yet, weirdly, with the Nein’s sights set firmly on it, a part of him wanted to drop to his feet, shed his mantle and ask to join them on this excursion.

Just to know what it would be like. To taste a bit of a different life, to know what it was like on the other side of their brief meetings and Sendings. He’d heard tales of their travels, wrapped in their voices and those of his operatives. But he’d never _seen_ it. He’d never experienced it. What it would be like. The intensity of battle, the intrigue of exploration, the constant thrum of the dangerous environment.

He suppressed a sigh. “Well, that is not for me.” He announced. And it was true. But, maybe, in a different lifetime, it could have been.

“Thank you, Jester, and good luck.”

Please return soon. Please Send to me. Please, for the light and dark of the gods, please be safe.

He let his gaze sweep over them all before finding a suitable space to draw his Teleportation Circle.

“Thank you, friend.” He heard Caleb call out and he turned to him, already kneeling in the sand.

“Thank you.” Caduceus agreed. And he saw this group, his friends, looked at him with sincere gratitude and he felt a warmth that not even that cursed, glaring star above them could have created.

“Of course.” He simply said and drew his circle. Out of the corner of his eye he watched them leave as he pretended to be deeply engrossed in his runes. He finished his circle and stepped inside. The Nein were gone.

He clutched his parasol and disappeared.

-

Essek spent the rest of the day wondering about the Mighty Nein’s trip. And, even more so, wondering about Caleb’s words. About his desire to talk. A small, treacherously optimistic part of him hoped that Caleb wanted to say things that Essek had been too cowardly to. But with all the potential favors he could request instead, it seemed like a long shot.

The thought would not leave him alone, however. Not even throughout the next few days as a dreaded meeting drew ever closer. Essek went about his business, did his tasks, listened for chatter from his network and did some research and spellwork. But that thought remained. That whisper in his ear of Caleb wanting to talk. The potential promise that it held. Essek felt different about it each time it came back to his mind. Sometimes it made him feel hopeful, that Caleb wanted to talk about feelings, perhaps, and that that might mean that they would find a way forward. Other times he dreaded it, worried that Caleb had deduced what Essek felt and wanted to put an end to things. Still other times he was left with pure apprehension about what this mysterious conversation might mean.

Eventually, Essek realized that he must have left Caleb with rather similar contemplations.

-

“Shadowhand.”

The Sending reached him on the day he had anticipated it would. Even with just his title being uttered into his head once again, Essek knew what was to come.

“Everything is in order. Come to Nicodranas as soon as possible. Assume your usual disguise.”

He couldn’t help but note how, over the course of their interactions, the Martinet’s Sendings had grown progressively more commanding. “Very well. I will find your ship within the hour.”

No response.

They had planned this part. He was to assume the role of Dezran Thain, some lord of Nicodranas. He hadn’t really conjured up an elaborate story for him, he hadn’t had the time. Not that that would be a problem. He’d melt into the crowds and no one would single him out or address him. He was good at becoming one with the masses when in disguise, after all.

Dread filled his thoughts as he put down the quill, pausing the report he had been writing. He hated his meetings with his co-conspirators. He always had. They had seemed loathsome people from the start, but they had shared his interests and that was a lot more than he’d been able to say for anyone who had seemed a decent person.

Until the Mighty Nein, of course. Until Caleb.

Essek sighed. Only a few more days. Then, hopefully, all of this would be over. There was nothing standing in the way of peace but two stubborn rulers at this point. There were points that the Bright Queen would not budge on and much fewer that were flexible. He had a much harder time estimating King Dwendal’s relationship with flexibility and change, but he assumed it to be much the same. It was a shame and a blessing that Essek wouldn’t be on that boat. To witness the embodiments of two nations, forever at odds with one another, convene and discuss the terms that might finally allow their countries to rest.

After he had played a role in inciting their current state of conflict.

He cast his disguise and Teleported to Nicodranas and headed directly onto the Wind of Eons, the ship of the Cerberus Assembly. He was awaited and at the sight of the Martinet all his insides curled up uncomfortably and he wanted to whip around and leave. He pushed through the urge. The knowledge that this was not indefinite, that there was an end to these meetings in sight, was a comfortable motivator and allowed him to will himself forward.

He didn’t receive much of a welcome before they dove right into the point of the meeting. Essek preferred it that way. The less time he had to spend on that ship the better. He was starting to feel more comfortable again. Some of the nervousness faded a few sentences in as he fell into the typical conversation that he held with the man. However, their discussion was not to go undisturbed for much longer. A cold, unwanted sensation ran through Essek’s veins as they were interrupted.

And only one thought managed to cross Essek’s mind once he learned of the arrival of the Mighty Nein.

They weren’t supposed to be there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who would have ever expected that they show up right then and there... What a shock... what a surprise..... .. . .. . .
> 
> Comments and Kudos are like water and sun to the tree that is my writing motivation. <3
> 
> Thank you for taking care of the tree so far!


	20. Something important

_Caleb was silent for a moment, then his lips twisted into a thin smile that seemed to stem from fake humor much more than from anything genuine. “Mutually assured destruction, yes?”_

_“How do you mean?” Essek raised an eyebrow._

_“Well, to be honest, I was wondering how someone in your position would ensure preserving your reputation.” Caleb appeared hesitant. He began tapping his fingertip against the glass again. “How you would ensure my silence, I mean.”_

_“Did you now?”_

_“Ja. It seemed a rather… important point to consider.” Caleb volunteered._

_“Right.” A smile played at Essek’s lips._

_“I could not imagine that you trust me.” Caleb admitted. “Though we – my group and I – have returned one of your Beacons… I presumed that any faith granted by this action would not reach your private chambers.” Caleb’s eyes flickered up briefly to meet his. “You are smarter than to trust me with a secret arrangement based on that alone.” He looked away again. “So I assumed that you were counting on my desire to keep this secret for my own benefit or on the intimidation that your title implies. Perhaps a combination of both.”_

_“You are not wrong. About the trust.” Essek confirmed. “I don’t trust you, I’m afraid. As I am sure you do not trust me, either.” Essek swished the liquid in his glass around. “Though I believe that such a thing can be… established.”_

_“That is how it works, is it not? Trust.” Caleb stared at his own repetitive motion. The repeated tap, tap, tap of his finger against the glass. He seemed in thought. About what, precisely, Essek couldn’t tell._

_“Well, this lack of trust needn’t be a problem. You were quite right, I am relying on your desire to maintain the secrecy of this agreement. Beyond that, all I need to have faith in, and I do believe this goes both ways, is that we are both interested in this.” Essek explained. “You need to trust that I will not do anything you do not want. But if you had such doubts… you would not be here, correct?”_

_“Ah, correct.” Caleb nodded. The tapping stopped. “If you did… abuse your end of the agreement, I- Well, I am certain that my group would take issue with you hurting me or spiriting me away in the dead of night for good. And I have it in good faith that you would not be above their suspicions should I… disappear.”_

_Essek leaned back in his chair. He eyed Caleb. “Is that a threat, Widogast?”_

_“Not at all, Shadowhand.” Caleb shook his head. “I am merely elaborating my willingness to engage in this with you.”_

_“I see. Well, you have nothing to worry about.” In that regard, at least. “My promise means nothing to you, I’m sure, but I do promise that I bear you no ill will and have no intentions to hurt you or ‘spirit you away’.”_

_“And you are not going to threaten me about what will happen if I try to reveal that you take questionable Empire turncoats to your bed?” Caleb asked, a real smile now faintly on his lips._

_“I see no need for that.” Essek said coldly. “I am sure you know whose word carries more weight here. And I think you are extremely aware of the resources at my disposal should I need to silence someone.” Not that he’d want to hurt Caleb. He had meant that. But he knew this was a risk and he had to be prepared for it to come back to bite him._

_“That sounds oddly threatening to me.” Caleb gave a weak, dry laugh._

_“Not at all.” Essek smiled. “Simply elaborating my willingness to engage in this with you.” He echoed._

_-_

The Mighty Nein were not supposed to be on that ship.

They weren’t supposed to be in that city.

Least of all were they supposed to see Essek there, identity only veiled by a thin disguise. Right next to the Martinet. A place he had never been caught in before that moment.

Several terrifying sensations hit him at once. He felt his own breath becoming a chore for his body. He was certain that he could feel his pulse stumbling and running away from him. He thought the floor was dropping away beneath him, giving in to the growing weight in his gut. One flicker in his spell. That was all it would take. One flicker and they would see him and they would know. They would know that their trust had been misplaced, their friendship wrongfully extended.

They would know everything that Essek had been desperately trying to hide. And they would be at risk for it.

Essek wished to disappear. The sound of crushing waves became smothering, loud noise. High pitched static in his ears. The subtle scent of salt began to burn in his nose and the glare of the sun above burned his skin and he thought his skin was blistering.

Essek swallowed thickly and hoped that no one would notice the apparent lump caught in his throat. He tried to have faith in himself, in his spell. To believe that his façade would hold, that the mask was in place. He just needed to calm down. He wasn’t Essek, after all. Essek was back in Rosohna doing his tasks as Shadowhand and being all-around flawless. He was Lord Thain. This… person that wasn’t a person. Someone without personality, without anything but an appearance. Essek’s lack of preparation burned and glared at him from the back of his mind.

What was a Nicodranas lord even like? Was there some manner of behavior, some manner of speech that would give him away instantly? Wasn’t Jester _from here?_ Wouldn’t she know _on sight_ that he wasn’t whom he pretended to be?

It was too late. It was done. Introductions were uttered and he was there. It would be okay. It would have to be okay. There was no other option than for it to just somehow be okay. He would just lie. Lie his way out of this predicament like he had lied his way out of every other.

He tried to avoid looking any of them in the eyes but realized that that only made him more suspicious. In a matter of seconds, he seemed to have misplaced his memories of normal behavior entirely. Forgotten what ‘normal’ even was. How much eye contact was normal? What stance was normal? What intonation was normal? He felt like he was doing too much and too little of everything at the same time and though no one was outright _staring_ he _knew_ , he absolutely _knew,_ that he had already given something away. He saw the Martinet glance at him. This was bad. This was awful. He wished a wave would come and topple the boat over. He wished a leak would appear and the damned thing would sink. He wanted a do-over.

His eyes met Caleb’s.

It hadn’t been intentional, he’d tried to do a casual visual sweep of them all but they met and Essek’s heart jumped as it liked to do – unwitting of the predicament he was in - and turmoil and regret and pain and longing and fear all curled up together in Essek’s chest and gut and he thought the weight in himself heavy enough to sink the ship and drown them all. His thoughts and emotions were so loud they almost smothered the words spoken around him.

He barely caught Yasha asking about his stupid, _stupid_ fake hair and he almost messed up the Prestidigitation spell to ‘fix’ it. The most basic of spells, he nearly fucked up. Gods, he was a _wreck_.

The conversation progressed and progressed and everything felt numb and muffled and his voice didn’t sound like his own and for a terrifying and surreal moment he wasn’t sure that it was coming out of his mouth. He wanted to leave and run. To disappear. But when the time came where he might have been able to do such a thing, the Martinet requested that they talk.

“Dezran.”

And what option did he have but to agree?

-

Essek wasn’t sure when he’d last felt this diffident. The Nein had definitely noticed Dezran to be strange. But whether they thought him actively suspicious, he couldn’t tell.

The Martinet was a different story. Though a secretive individual, Essek could pick up easily on the tension in his shoulders, his palpable displeasure with Essek’s behavior. And for a moment he had to remind himself that, while he was a powerful co-conspirator, Ludinus was not his superior.

The disguise vanished and he felt a little more bare without it.

Essek feigned no kindness toward the Martinet, softened none of his statements to accommodate comfort. Frankness had been a very vital point of all of their interactions before. Neither of them had ever made a show of particularly liking each other. They were like-minded in research and politics but that was where their common ground started and ended. In truth, the Martinet’s brutal honesty had been one of Essek’s more favored qualities of the man.

He supposed that one came to enjoy such a thing when dealing with the opposite all day.

The Martinet accused him of growing soft and before he could help it, something very honest and genuine bubbled over and fled his mouth.

“You should try friends sometime.”

It was a jab after a fashion, but more than that it was honest and perhaps a touch too vulnerable. The Martinet showed no surprise. And Essek remembered very clearly why that was – if it wasn’t just indifference. It was because someone had probably already told him how Essek had changed. How he had grown soft and even _friendly_ towards others.

It was because someone, probably still in Rosohna, had shared that information beforehand.

Essek pretended not to know about that.

-

Though the conversation had been relatively inconsequential – mostly an affirmation that he _had_ to attend that dreaded party – Essek felt like he was breathing for the first time in hours when he finally stepped off the ship.

That breath was quickly pulled from his lungs once more as he had to pass the Nein on his retreat. That familiar blend of guilt and fear lurked in his gut and he averted his eyes and hurried away with as few words exchanged as possible. He tried to act casual but he knew he was failing. That was probably fine, he had been with the Martinet, a prickly individual, they would think nothing of it. Or, if they would, they probably would not care since, well, why would they care about Dezran Thain?

For a moment he had forgotten that that was who he was being.

The need to run away clawed at him and he took the first opportunity he found to slip into an alley. Hopefully out of sight and earshot of anyone that mattered, he collapsed into one of the walls, holding himself up with his forearm. His breath was ragged and fast as fear and dread claimed his mind. He rarely grew this panicked. Or, there had been a very, _very_ long time in which panic had been a stranger to him. Briefly, the memory of Caleb in his study, distant and fearful, came back to him and he tried to push it away to ignore it, feeling the guilt only grow heavier at it.

He tried to focus on something else, something present. The distant sounds of the waves and seagulls, the noises of a bustling port city. The feel of the scraping rock against his hand and through the fabric on his forearm. Anything but that memory.

He went on to try and tell himself that it was fine. That everything was going to be okay. The Nein had no idea he was there, they wouldn’t know. Yes, his co-conspirators were more aware of his affections for them than he had hoped but that was okay, too. He could handle that. Somehow. He could. As long as the Nein didn’t make that final, vital connection. There was still hope to push for their ignorance, to have them breeze by the truth without being more at risk because of it. He just had to keep going. Nothing had changed. They had seen him but without knowing it and nothing had changed.

They didn’t have that connective piece. Sure, he had probably not been the pinnacle of ease during their conversation, but there had been nothing to indicate who he truly was. Perhaps Dezran Thain was just uncomfortable around newcomers. Or he was just like that. They didn’t know. They had no idea. Maybe he was suspicious to them, but it didn’t have to be problem. It wasn’t a problem. Nothing had changed.

It took a little longer for Essek to believe it.

-

The panic faded into a constant mildly anxious thrum in the back of Essek’s mind the following day. It was there, and if he thought about it for too long that fear and concern was all there was but for the most part, if he didn’t acknowledge it he managed to pretend that he was fine. And that he could actually do things like a normal fucking person.

He _wanted_ to use the time before the party productively. He really did.

There were many threads for him to follow – as there were at all times – and several duties he had to fulfill, but he found himself wholly and terribly unable to do so. Even being back in Rosohna for a few hours with miles and miles between him and Nicodranas. The party was looming over him at all times and he found himself unable to forget it.

That party that the Mighty Nein would attend.

Essek wanted to prepare himself. He wanted to do something about it. So that the whole thing didn’t seem as dreadful. But what could he do? Scout the location to look for the best places to hide during the event? Look for a spell that might skip that piece of time for him? His best option would be coming up with an excuse not to go and that was an option he could not take. The whole point was that his presence was supposed to soothe suspicions. Hiding or not attending were thus actively harmful to the goal he was supposed to pursue. It was his own fault, really. He had been caught off-guard on the ship, now he was forced to play his part.

After a long, pointless, internal debate he headed to his study. He could at least try to learn more about Nicodranas. So that he might play the role of a lord from there with a little more dignity and grace. He pointedly ignored how the book about Wildemount history and geography he picked out had been between him and Caleb _twice_ under much, much more favorable circumstances.

Or, he tried to.

-

Everything was worse hours before the party. And it didn’t help that he was, once again, in the presence of the Martinet.

The event sat in the evening as an inevitable looming darkness waiting to swallow Essek up. It consisted of anxieties and uncertainties and Essek, once more, thought he might find an excuse not to go. He could probably deal with the consequences, right? He would assure the Martinet somehow that the Nein didn’t suspect him and he would tell the Nein that - The thought of that hidden Scourger came to him and the idea of not going was quickly left behind.

Each hour was a dreadful, painful, dragging affair while at the same time being over in the blink of an eye. As though the day was trying to make the most of Essek’s dread while not allowing him the time to actually prepare or take a breath to calm himself.

But with each slowly quickly passing minute, that anxiety grew and Essek was rendered useless. He zoned in and out of conversations that he really tried to focus on and withdrew whenever he had the chance. He tried to busy himself with whatever but it was more of a pretense than anything else. It would be fine. It was just a party. A limited amount of time spent in a confined space with others. It would come and be awful but then also eventually be over. And then he could go back to taking care of his responsibilities the next day. Like normal. He just had to get this over with.

Framing it differently did absolutely nothing for him, un fortunately. And though all plans of finding an excuse had been abandoned, if a Fiend appeared right then and asked for Essek’s soul in exchange for his inconsequential absence, the Devil might find his hand gripped in a firm handshake before he had to whisper any words of temptation. Not that Essek’s soul wasn’t inevitably going to meet a Fiend, anyway. Perhaps that would just speed up the process. Essek grimaced at the thought.

No Fiend appeared as he waited. No miraculous, unexpected second path opened itself up. No alternative became apparent. When the time came, there was only Essek, his Disguise spell and a few hours’ worth of superficial research on Nicodranas. That knowledge alone felt fragile and unsafe in his mind, like it would vanish as soon as he tried to reach for it.

He'd just have to last a few hours.

-

Essek hated parties.

And that was by no means a recent development. At his first parties he had danced between being a novelty due to his arcane gifts in spite of his youth and listening to his mother prop him up in front of the other guests. Once or twice they had, for far too long, speculated about who he might have been. His mother had made sure to draw attention to his gifts, his uniqueness, his _other_ -ness at each event.

Initially, the attention had been divine. People looking at his abilities and telling him that he would be ‘going places’ and turning to his mother and giving her Luxon-tinted praises for what she had been raising. But his appreciation had quickly died down when he had noticed that being _other_ and being _different_ made it hard to approach anybody on eye-level. There was a line that had been drawn in between him and everyone else. And Deirta had never equipped him with the tools and words to cross that line. All he had been able to do was flaunt his abilities and listen to people talk about him while being helpless to shut them up or integrate himself into their conversations.

His disdain for parties had only grown since then. He had learned to peer behind the finery of it all to see the hideousness just beneath the surface and it hadn’t been too long before that was all he had managed to perceive. And the expectations of him at gatherings had only grown overtime. There had been a way he had to act, a list of people he _had_ to talk to, things he had to omit and then say later in different company. Other things that _had_ to be proclaimed as much as possible. Essek liked to manipulate. He was good at it. But subtly and on his own terms.

Somehow, those events, though supposed to bring out the best in people, only ever brought out the worst in them. False facades, ulterior motives, trivial matters blown out of proportion – it was politics dressed up in jewelry and silks. The worst parts of Essek’s life and job selected and distilled into a few hours.

And though that party in Nicodranas held none of the usual responsibilities for him, it was a large social event with unspoken rules. And he loathed it by design.

Essek was aware that people commonly thought the opposite. That he liked parties. He enjoyed presenting himself in a certain manner and he definitely partook in some of the luxuries his status had to offer, so perhaps the assumption was not one he could begrudge. And as it was, people commonly thought many things that weren’t true.

For instance, as the Nein walked into the hall that Essek had been nervously milling about in, people easily may have thought them to be a refined and well-behaved –

_What in the Luxon’s blessed lands was on top of Fjord’s head?_

The almost comically sized captain’s hat adorning Fjord’s head was – somehow – the first thing that Essek’s eyes landed on. And it was so quintessentially _Mighty Nein_ to show up dressed to - , well, and then to quite literally top it off with… with _that_.

For just a brief second Essek forgot where he was and who he was supposed to be as he scanned the group for the culprit. Ah. Of course. Jester.

Looking them over, all clad in formal wear, it was… something. And there was another thing. Nott was no longer with them. Instead there was a Halfling woman with brown braids and an air of confidence about her like she owned the venue. They must have done a repeat of the spell. Successfully. Essek thought that that would be exciting news and that he was supposed to be happy for them – and he sort of was - but it was buried under everything else. The discomfort of the whole situation. The anxiety. The guilt.

If the situation had been different Essek could have glided over to them and inquired about the successful arcane feat. He could have congratulated them on it and asked about the measures it had taken to complete it. And then he would have learned all the details and, for the first time in his life, engaged in friendly conversation at a party. He could have even used the occasion to discuss some arcane theory with-

His eyes locked onto Caleb. The perpetrator of the spell. He was dressed in a long, formal embroidered coat. The fabric hugged his form like from the moment it had been crafted it had been made for him. His hair reflected the lighting of the room in vibrant coppers, contrasted beautifully against the dark garment. Essek found his body momentarily unable to function as he could neither turn away, nor draw a decent amount of air into his lungs.

The urge to go over became stronger. To see Caleb up close. To see fully how sharp and dressed up he looked. To see how his eyes would be accented by the clothing he wore. He had always looked good. Always been stunning. Even back then, underneath that dirt, Essek had always seen that he was a handsome man. But heavens and hells, he was just- He was- perhaps there wasn’t a word for how absolutely beautiful he was right then.

Essek tore his gaze away lest Caleb meet it and found something in there, even across the distance. He turned away to sip his wine, trying to smother the fluttering sensation in his chest and the heat that was growing every which way under his skin. The guilt clashed with it, cool and dark and heavy against the warm and bright affection.

That weighty thing in his gut reminded him that he _couldn’t_ just walk over to the Nein. That Caleb _wasn’t_ for him to stare at. That he had done so many things that made this moment what it was and not what it could have been. He sipped his wine, hoping that it would at some point silence that cold unpleasant thing in his gut, and pretended that he was invisible.

-

He wasn’t, though. Invisible.

And that much became very clear to him as some of the Nein - well, Jester of the Nein - appeared to be in pursuit of him.

Oh, he was sure that she was trying to be subtle – at first at least - as she moved closer to him time and time again but there were only so many accidents and coincidences he would grant her before it became clear that wherever he moved, she would eventually follow. It made him anxious.

What made it even worse was when she finally dropped all pretense, approached and began asking him questions about himself. Well, about Dezran. And Essek, spymaster that he was, answered them all with ease and bravado. That was a lie. Instead, whatever falsehoods he had had prepared, whatever information about Nicodranas he had crammed into his head vanished the second she opened her mouth. So he said things like that he moved? And that he lived… around?

Maybe Essek was lucky and the Luxon _did_ exist and would strike him down any second for his sins.

The moment the lies left his lips he wanted to cringe. Wanted to withdraw them and try over. But he couldn’t. This situation wasn’t his, it was Jester’s. She had the upper hand. Aware of it or not.

And Essek wished that the awful, awful lies were the worst of it. But a few moments later, still being bombarded with questions, he took a sip from his wine and almost immediately something felt _off._

His muscles tensed and he felt them starting to lock up. His entire body became stiff and unmoving. His will was useless against whatever was taking hold of him. Jester still stalked at him and he couldn’t tell whether she sincerely didn’t know what was happening or whether she was pulling a crude prank on him and feigning ignorance. The less Essek could move the more panicked he became. He was losing control over his own body and there was nothing he could do to even slow the process and he _loathed_ it. His heart was hammering away in his chest in fear and he wished that whatever was happening to him would just take hold of that, too.

Jester began dragging him away from the crowd and for the first time he wished for nothing more than to dive back into it to vanish from sight.

Because he knew, as she was pulling him away, that this was not a crude prank played on Dezran for kicks. There was more to it. They had figured something out or were on the verge of it and the only question that really pounded in his head, dominating all the others, was whether what they had learned was about Dezran or Essek.

He saw Caleb up close for the first time that evening and ironically it just made him want to curl up and die.

“What are we doing here? This is not exactly the plan that we talked about.” Caleb asked and Essek realized that there had been a plan, a plot, a ploy to this whole incident. And he was at the other end of it. They knew. Something vital. Something that warranted this. _They knew._

Essek was brought away from the party and there was a potent moment where he worried for his life. Everything felt too loud and too quiet at the same time and he wasn’t sure where he was being brought, where he was going as he lost track of his surroundings. That anxiety and guilt that had been sitting in his stomach all day grew in weight. The dread climbed up his throat and he thought, as the tension started to fade from his body, that the first thing he might do with his reclaimed control was bend over and throw up. He didn’t. He didn’t even get a chance to.

When the manacles hit his wrists he realized, truly and fully realized, that he had screwed this up.

It was only a second but it felt like an eternity as he looked at his shackled wrists and realized that this was where everything had always been leading to. That these hands would, in every event, have eventually ended up like this. Though perhaps there could have been a path where the one to fasten them hadn’t been Caleb. Essek felt himself choke. He wanted it to be anyone but Caleb. Not him. His hammering heart began to crack.

Fear surged through his veins.

The next moments happened so fast that they got all clumped together in his head. He tried to flee, leaving the manacles behind, but did not get very far as he halted on command – robbed of the control over his own body once more. It was Caduceus’ words that froze him and his next ones that let him know without a shred of doubt that they weren’t trying to contain or capture Dezran Thain. But that they were trying to apprehend Essek Thelyss. That they had become aware of the knife sticking out of their back.

Essek could have fled that second. Freedom would have been a spell away. But he knew, as he stood there, as the guilt and the dread and the fear all grew into one powerful ugly thing inside of him, that if he left them now he could not count on them to ever return. So he stood there as he was asked to talk to them.

And he turned.

“Fine, then show me where.”

-

Essek had wondered several times what it would feel like to walk to his execution.

It was something he would have denied as it indicated uncertainty about his plan. But sometimes his faith had begun to break under the pressure of his anxiety and paranoia. And those thoughts, those worries had slipped through the cracks into his mind. Contemplations about how he would walk to his end. How it would transpire and how it would make him feel.

He had always assumed that he would feel cold and indifferent.

He didn’t.

But then, he had never expected this heavy, fateful pilgrimage to take place in the streets of Nicodranas. Or for his destination to be a grotesquely named ship. And never, in a million lifetimes, would he have thought his judge, jury and executioners to be people he wanted to affectionately call ‘friends’.

A term that did not even cover all of them fully.

Yet, expectations proven wrong, he went, willingly but forced. He was in no shackles. He went because he knew that there was no way around it. And that this was an inevitability he had been running from for a while. His time to postpone it and pretend it would never come had expired and the idea to run once more had been nothing but a gallow’s whim.

And, in a way, perhaps it was good that the people walking him to his potential end were the Nein and not a group of guards. They, at least, might listen to his words. If not because of kindness then to fill in the gaps of what they didn’t know. And they were the only people that Essek could show genuine remorse to, whatever good that would do him. That heavy, cold, uncomfortable thing in his gut was, if nothing else, real and true and aching to spill out of his mouth in words and explanations.

A part of Essek, that he himself had learned to resent, wanted to use these feelings, this kinship to his advantage. To work it as an angle, as a strategy. To see how he could abuse and twist all these honest little things into something corrupted for his gain. But he knew that he wouldn’t. He knew that that part of him would not win, that it had lost long ago. Because he couldn’t work that angle. He couldn’t take the lies and secrets anymore. Not with the Mighty Nein. Not with people he yearned to call his friends once more. He wanted to be done with that. Wanted his sins to spill out of him. To bare the soul that he had kept hidden. He didn’t mind bleeding all of it out - if it was to them. That was a strange thing to realize.

He avoided looking at any of them as best he could, instead staring at the ridges between the cobblestone right in front of him, tracing the pattern with his eyes. There was something distinctly hysterical about his predicament. His potential executioners walking him to his end in the finest clothes he’d seen them in, having apprehended him at their first joint social event. He didn’t laugh. Neither did they. Essek wondered whether they were contemplating the absurdity of the moment, as well, or whether they were solely focused on figuring out how to deal with him. The anxious clump in his gut rolled over.

He tried not to think about Caleb, walking just a few feet away from him. He tried not to think about that look in his eyes when he had produced the manacles. And Essek definitely didn’t try to think about what Caleb would look like standing over him as he drew his last breath.

There was nothing he could do to prepare himself for that.

Essek stepped onto the creaking wood of the ship. He was brought below deck and circled and he knew, and he was sure they knew as well, that if his objective was to flee he would probably still be able to. But he had no intention of it. And he felt trapped.

With nothing left to lose, he dropped his illusion. He looked down. Anxiety lived in every inch of his nervous system, his mind wiped blank of any plots or ploys.

Caleb sharply called him ‘friend’ like the word was acidic. Essek couldn’t help but meet his eyes and watch the betrayal, the anger, the disappointment that he put there, watch it curl and twitch and flicker. The conflict. The questions that could not be asked. And the ones that were minutes away from being spoken.

And all Essek had left was the truth. So he started to tell it.

He spoke the words as they came to his mouth with no moment taken to mull them over, explaining things that were no justification. Essek wanted to tell himself that he’d much rather have had this conversation on his own terms, when he’d decided to come clean to them. And while that was not wrong, he knew that, in truth, he probably never would have initiated it on his own.

And that made him feel no better.

Because while he found it challenging to care about Luxon-fanatics and nationalists of either side, the Nein had attached themselves to his being in such a way that made it impossible not to feel guilty. For the lies, the manipulation, the exploits and everything nice that they had granted him. Because they really _hadn’t_ been part of the plan. And now that they were there, he could not imagine ever betraying them on purpose.

He knew he deserved threats and scorn and so much worse and truly, there were moments as he spoke and explained and bled when he thought he’d already said his last truths, cast his last spell. Moments when he’d wondered just how the Mighty Nein would get rid of someone like him. Or if they didn’t do it themselves, which side they would hand him over to.

But as his carefully crafted lies fell apart around him, crumbling at the will of his own tongue, Caleb dropped into his view. And the guilt grew stronger but it mixed with something else and there was pain and want and regret. And Essek begged, begged all the gods that had an ear, that Caleb could see that. The he saw the pain and regret and the honest and genuine feelings. Essek plead, though quietly, that he might see that anything shared between them had been true and real. He wanted to speak those words again and damn himself further and he knew he couldn’t and he broke, he hurt. Every second that he sat there and said nothing but thought everything he broke a little more.

And Caleb cupped his cheek and pain and guilt and delight twisted in Essek’s gut and the feeling was overwhelming and he couldn’t tell whether it was good or bad or both or neither. Because the touch was gentle but it felt fierce and the words were honest and true and genuine and they were raw and vulnerable and Essek was so, so _scared._

Where he thought he’d find resentment in this man he knew to be his other, his lover, he found cautious sympathy. And empathy that he could not understand. A kindness that he had never known and that he knew, he _knew,_ he had not earned. His other, his lover, his match made claims that he could not know to be true. Drawing a line – not to separate but to connect and Essek wanted to believe him.

He was given a chance.

And when he denied his ability to claim it, because he felt truly and honestly that it was too late to do so, he was met with a soft kiss. On his forehead. It was soft and gentle and brief but it felt like worlds colliding in his mind, like time stopping for a small infinite moment and like his heart finally, blessedly ceased. There was no romance to the gesture, it was not born of affection or desire. It was of care, of sympathy. Of understanding and an offer. Of friendship and a promise. Things he had lost all rights to want.

And the moment, though infinite, passed and there was still more truth to spill. More honesty to show. And though the moment left, that little sliver, that piece of sympathy that would now forever be part of his mind, did not. Because his friends were still there, still listening. Hesitant and cautious, and rightly so, but listening to this traitor’s words with no swords drawn and no spells cast.

And, in spite of everything, the black ooze that he had bled onto the ground before them in the shape of lies and sins, he was welcomed into their midst.

-

It was an undeserved mercy to walk free. Though he had never seen the point in contemplating what he did and did not deserve, he knew that he had not earned this. He had hoped for it, of course, but he did not deserve it.

The Nein had let him go with warranted warnings that they did not trust him. And though it had hurt to hear, it was good because those suspicions would aid them in staying alive longer. He knew he had to return to the party and quickly, but he moved rather slowly. As though whatever Nott had done to him still lingered in his body. The world around him felt numb and odd.

There was a certain amount of relief, not only because he still lived, but because those secrets were out and gone and done. The weight in his gut was there, still, but much lighter than it had been before. Yet, he did not feel easy, could not pretend that things were the same as they had been. He could not pretend that the damage he had done was not there. Or that the mistrust he had caused would not forever tint their relationship.

But for the time being, he was alive and he had been honest. And everything else, he would have to deal with later.

He barely heard the noise of the party around him as he re-entered the building. He immediately found himself a corner to linger in, hoping to remain there undisturbed for the remainder of the party.

“Dezran.” He had at least hoped for a minute without disturbance. Essek turned to the Martinet. “Where have you been?”

“I was getting some air. It was getting rather crowded during the Ruby’s performance.” Essek said curtly.

“You were absent for a while.” The Martinet pointed out, suspicion thick on his tongue.

“It was a big crowd. I required a lot of air.” Essek replied flatly. He picked up a glass of wine from a passing server’s tray. “I told you I was not fond of parties.”

“Hm.” The Martinet eyed him for a long moment and Essek was sure he was seeing through him, right into his head to read all the suspicious little thoughts. “And you were sharing this air with…?”

“If you are insinuating what I think then you have very little faith my in sense of self-preservation.” Essek accused.

The searching eyes lingered for another moment. “Very well.”

Thankfully, the Martinet was called away by another attendee soon enough, leaving Essek in his pseudo-solitude once again.

Essek sighed to himself as he lingered by a window. Only a few more minutes, then he would be able to leave with reasonable timing. He felt like he’d left a piece of himself on that ship with the Nein. His thoughts certainly were still there. They were drawn to Caleb, specifically.

Caleb whom he had betrayed so horribly. Who had stood there and called him ‘friend’ like it was an insult. Who had dropped to his knees, given him a kiss and offered him another chance. A possibility to make things right. Or better, at least.

And though those had been acts of kindness and sympathy, Essek couldn’t help but wonder where that left them. Where that left what they had shared. He sincerely did not know.

The memory of a promised conversation hung over him like a dark cloud and he began to fight his thoughts as he started to feel dampness in the corners of his eyes.

He tried to look outside, through the window. But the light wouldn’t allow it. All the saw in the glass pane was a reflection of someone who wasn’t him.

-

Essek rose feeling no better the following day.

That may have been owed to the fact that his trance had been strenuous at best in the few minutes he had managed to maintain it. It was odd how he could feel empty, yet heavy. Two feelings that were supposed to be mutually exclusive, yet coexisted and collided in Essek’s chest.

Essek was glad to not be needed on the coast that day. Steering clear of both the Martinet and the Mighty Nein was almost a blessing.

So that left him alone. In his towers. In Rosohna. Once again. But while he was physically there, his mind seemed irretrievably stuck below the deck of a strangely named boat, surrounded by his betrayed friends and his lover. Rightfully cornered and finally unveiling secrets and lies of months. And a plot of years. 

Essek still felt no regret for telling them. He didn’t even regret being so obvious and getting caught by them in the first place. He wasn’t particularly happy – he wasn’t sure what exactly he was feeling – but there was a sense of relief. An easiness that had not been there before. He had been alone with his knowledge, all his secrets for so long. Without anyone to share his worries with. He did not want to burden them. Truly, he wished them out of harm’s way. But there was something right about them knowing. There was something right about it although it could ruin everything he had ever dreamed of with the Nein.

And with Caleb.

It was an odd thing, this rightness, because ‘good’ and ‘bad’ had long since become distant and abstract concepts to Essek. Contemplations that he felt were superfluous. If he knew something was important and necessary, what did it matter whether it was ‘wrong’ or ‘right’? In spite of this, he found himself liking this vague feeling of ‘right’. Yet, he also felt regretful and mournful over the cracks he’d put in his friendships, he hurt at remembering how the Nein had looked at him. Betrayed.

There had been very justified anger on that ship but for the most part it wasn’t heated so much as a solemn burial of what had been growing between them. Essek didn’t think he’d ever forget the feeling of the boat gently rocking beneath him, the distant sound of waves fading to nervous static in his ears. The Nein, his jury, dressed in fine garments and disappointed expressions.

With a deep sigh and a last mournful though, Essek tore himself out of the memory to at least try to tend to his duties. After all, to the knowledge of anyone in Rosohna, he had not left his towers in days.

-

Essek hadn’t known when to expect to be contacted by the Nein again. If he was being honest with himself, he had feared about the chance that they would not contact him directly at all, anymore. Safe for perhaps some authorities, alerted by them, appearing on his doorstep.

But if he had had anticipated another intrusion to his mind, he might have figured that it would arrive in the middle of the night.

“Hey Essek, do you have any diamonds on you that you’d be willing to give me like something worth, like, 100 gold or something? I-“

And then it cut off. Jester had gotten better about managing her word limit before, this was a step backward. It didn’t help that she sounded frantic or that he was tired, his mind still half in his trance. “Unfortunately, that is not the type of component that I prepared for the journey.” He replied in a daze. Had he any diamonds on him, he would offer them up via Teleport if only to begin making amends with the Nein.

No further message came. Essek relaxed and tried to sink back into his trance. As he did, his mind ran over the possible applications of a relative wealth of diamonds. His eyes shot open again.

Wasn’t that commonly used for revivification?

Coldness gathered on Essek’s skin. He hadn’t prepared to be able to Send, either. So he couldn’t ask. And with Jester Sending him no further requests – why would she, after all ? – that left him no method of discerning what was going on. Surely, if one of their own was dying she would have been more adamant and Sent again? Surely, she would have lead with that?

But who knew what had gotten lost beyond the word limit?

-

The following hours had, unsurprisingly, held no further rest.

Fortunately, word reached him – though not the Nein’s – that there had been some kind of attack on the Ball Eater but that none of the crew had perished. Essek decided to assume that that simply meant that all of the crew were alive at that point in time. With Jester’s late-night request and the abilities on board known to Essek, someone may very well have died. Temporarily. That cold feeling returned.

A part of Essek wanted desperately to seek them out to make sure, but he held himself back. He was on thin ice with them. And he would have not even known what to say once he got there, regardless of whether they were alright or not. They would assume that he had spied on them to attain the information and that would be an impact on their strained trust that Essek would not risk.

The armadas were on their voyages to the agreed upon meeting point and it would be a few days before the negotiations would take place. Essek would spend them in Rosohna. He had work there and if he was found missing it would raise unnecessary suspicions. And, in reality, there was no part of him that was sad about not spending nigh two weeks traveling with the Martinet.

As he ascended the stairwell to his laboratory, his thoughts drifted to an alternative. Spending all those days at sea on the ship of the Mighty Nein. A sad, pitiful thought. But one he entertained nonetheless.

Essek was… far from anything he imagined a sailor needed to be. And the rough conditions of a boat were very distant to the surroundings that Essek was accustomed to. But, strangely, like when he had brought the Nein to the Lagoon, like when that jungle seemed oddly appealing in the light of the company it would offer, a ship did not seem so bad.

Briefly, he imagined what it would be like to sail with the Mighty Nein. If their trust had never been broken or if it had been thoroughly repaired. Perhaps they would show him the ropes of how to act on a ship. There would be jokes about him having to work his way up from scrubbing decks but someone, probably Caleb, would explain that his talents were better used elsewhere. Then maybe he’d help with navigation or some other more intellectual task. Perhaps there would be some Graviturgic applications helpful for sailing. The sun would be a hassle, but it would be a small price to pay. He’d bemoan the uncomfortable sleeping situation but actually not mind as much as he claimed to. Maybe Caleb would share his room. _Someone_ would say _something_ at that suggestion but Essek wouldn’t care, out there on a boat in the middle of the ocean. Caleb and him would deny all accusations and then validate them behind the closed door and-

Gods. No. This was wrong. It was impossible. Essek had made it so. He had to get to work.

He continued his journey to his laboratory, shaking his head as though it might disperse the thoughts. He had hurt and disappointed the Nein. They rightfully distrusted him, they were probably mad at him and it was probably somehow _wrong_ to think about sailing with them.

It was definitely foolish, at least.

-

There was something strange about the days passing. Though there was not much change to Essek’s routine from before Nicodranas, something was different. His normalcy felt… broken.

The days went on and he did his job, his tasks. But everything felt slightly off-kilter. And it was not because of the tension in his shoulders and the knowledge in the back of his mind. It was as though he was looking at everything through warped glasses. Like everything had shifted just an inch and he couldn’t really tell the difference but he knew there was one and it put him on edge.

He found himself to be more jumpy than he had been previously and his anxiety was a stubborn companion, having stuck by his side Nicodranas.

His thoughts were mostly present for what he had to do, though they would still get lost between waves and ships on occasion. The Martinet Sent him daily updates, as they had negotiated beforehand, letting Essek know that everything was still going according to plan. Essek hoped for updates on the Mighty Nein, though the Martinet never made mention of them – most likely on purpose. He did hold onto the hope that he would learn if their ship had sunk or been burnt to ashes.

He was just counting down the seconds for that day’s message, waiting for it to intrude on his mind.

“Widogast and Lionett inspected the Beacon. Reasonably guarded and inquisitive. Demeanor otherwise suspicious at times. Have you any idea about the cause of this?”

Essek swallowed. He didn’t know what exactly they had done but he nearly prayed that they hadn’t seemed suddenly well-informed about certain things. “The inspection was expected. I have not seen their demeanor so I can make no guesses. I know no reason for possible change.” He lied.

There was no response. Either the Martinet believed him or he saw no point in pursuing Essek’s opinion or potential lies further for the moment. At that thought Essek glanced outside the window into the streets of the dark city. Hoping that no one was watching him.

-

Time soldiered on with no regard for the anxious clusters in Essek’s gut or the cold sweat that the thought of the peace negotiations brought to his forehead. One more day.

Essek was at the Bastion to attend a brief meeting held to prepare for the negotiations. According to several Sendings, everything was on track time-wise and the Kryn Armada would meet the Dwendalian one as planned.

The air was heavy enough to feel one’s shoulders being pressed downward. Like a strong magnetic pull was on the Lucid Bastion itself. Opinions, Essek heard as he passed by hushed conversations, ranged from cautious optimism to certainty that it was all a trap. He heard a few falsehoods being uttered about the involvement of the Nein and about the ‘true’ nature of the Empire’s intentions, but made no point to correct any of them. Best he seemed as relaxed as he normally did. Best if no one noticed him, at all. If someone, weeks or months down the line was asked about the Shadowhand’s behavior, the reply should fall somewhere between uncertainty about his presence and commending his professionalism.

Tense as it was, the day was going alright. Essek excused himself as he headed to exit the Bastion. He was no longer needed and that was enough reason for him to leave and go home where he could be anxious and nervous in private.

“Shadowhand.”

A voice called out and he froze on the spot. He turned to see one of his operatives, the one he’d planted outside the representative’s house, approach. “Yes?”

She drew closer, halted in front of him and bowed her head briefly. “Apologies for the approach without summons. I have very urgent news.”

“Very well.” Essek nearly choked out, his heart immediately responding to the new information with fear and anxiety. “But not here.” He lead her, as usual, to a more secluded area of the Bastion where privacy could be had. “Please share your news.” Essek felt like his ears were ringing with panic as his head tried to figure out what had happened before the information was offered to him.

“The person of interest I have been asked to trail has started to get better, physically, over the last few days.” That was a relief. It must have been like Essek had assumed. The former servants had been the – presumably – unwitting source of her ailment. That was good news, at least. “And an intruder has been apprehended.”

Essek’s eyes went wide. His heart seemed to stop in his chest. “An intru- When did this happen?”

“About 15 minutes ago, Sir. I have enacted the discussed measures. The intruder is in the Dungeon.”

Essek glanced around. They were in a deserted hallway, speaking in hushed voices. Yet, he felt on edge. Like there were prying eyes and ears everywhere. He lowered his voice a little further. “Indications about their origin or motives? Who are they?”

“I haven’t been able to determine an identity. She appeared in the guise of the mark before I caught her. The disguise disappeared and she appears to be a human female. She said nothing as I apprehended her, but did try to escape.” The operative volunteered. “She may be a Scourger.”

Fuck. She knew. A Scourger in Rosohna at this time would mean the end for the peace negotiations. The Bright Queen would want to interrogate her personally. And if Essek’s guess was right, then he would be very, _very_ fucked if the two should ever speak. He mustered his operative briefly. She was professional, highly trained and secretive as could be. Sworn to secrecy, even. As long as Essek didn’t give her reason to doubt him, she would be loyal and, more importantly, quiet. Still better to throw her off. “It might be a trick by the third party we’ve been investigating…” He mused quietly, just loud enough for her to hear. “I will deal with this. Thank you.”

“What are my orders, Sir?”

“Return to your post, watch over the person of interest. Apprehend any further potential intruders the same way.” Essek commanded. He assumed that there would be no further attempts, though he could not be certain.

“Yes, Sir.”

He watched her leave and turned away himself. He weighed his options. It was getting late and he had fully intended to rise early to attend the peace negotiations – after a fashion. The Dark Sun protocol meant that the prisoner was apprehended and kept under the highest measures of security, their identity unknown. It would be safe to keep them there for a little longer like that, without attending her.

The burning questions in his chest demanded answers. The paranoia and anxiety demanded soothing. But he knew that if he walked into the Dungeon of Penance he would not leave for hours. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to tear himself away for days, until the peace negotiations were over.

And without them done, he wasn’t sure he trusted himself with his actions around a Scourger, anxiety and worry ruling his actions. If the Queen were to find out he had been to the Dungeon and then were to ask why-

He had to make a decision. And he decided not to go. Not yet. The peace needed to be sealed first, he needed to know the Nein alive first. Then he could tie up this particular loose end.

That night, he found no rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do wonder how many of you picked up on the naming scheme of the chapters... ah well. 
> 
> Thanks for commenting and kudo-ing and the comments and kudos so far! this is likely the 20th time in this fic you have read how appreciated / important they are but it doens't get any less true!


	21. I will deal with this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uncharacteristic front-note: 
> 
> If you're reading this fic as it's being published this will probably be obvious, but for anyone catching up / reading later (first of all: hello from the past!), I would just like to point out that at the time of this chapter being published, CR is at episode 106. Since the fic has been largely canon compliant, I wanted to point out that this is the chapter that catches up to the canon timeline, so from here on out it's going to be divergent! Meaning if anyone dies or somethin' that m i g h t not be in here (conversely, if someone doesn't die- you know what I think you get it). Now onward with the yearning!

_“Thank you for the assurance…” Caleb added. “I am very curious to see where this will go, as well.”_

_Essek smiled gently. “Well, I do believe that as long as we play our cards right this will be a very beneficial arrangement.”_

_“Ah, yes.” Caleb agreed. “It is… it is a good thing that the proverbial card game is cooperative.”_

_“Oh, would you not like to play against me?” Essek teased._

_“On the contrary – I think I might find that interesting, just not for this.” Caleb admitted. “As long as the game would be strategic in nature and not based on luck.”_

_“Hm. Why do I feel as though I would be cheated out of my coin if I were to play against you?” Essek smirked. He had seen Caleb’s initial appearance – not the clothing of someone who had the luxury of a room every night. And Essek knew how smart people, like Caleb, usually survived on the streets._

_“That is quite the accusation, Shadowhand.” Caleb warned, though his tone was good-natured. “Are you implying that I could not beat you with my intellect alone?”_

_“That is not what I meant to imply. But there is always a last resort, is there not? If you were to lose otherwise.” Essek pointed out._

_“I suppose that would depend on the prize.” Caleb explained. “If I had bet my life, of course I would cheat to keep it. But in a battle of sheer intellect with nothing to lose but pride, I would take an honest loss over an unjust win.”_

_“I see. Well, in any case, I, too, am glad that this game is cooperative. And I do think we are both eager to… win.” Essek’s smirk grew._

_“Ja… you could say that.” Caleb agreed, cheeks tinted red. His smile began to falter, then. “What, ah, what would failure… entail? Ah, nein, that phrasing was poor. What I meant was… when does this game end?”_

_Essek’s own expression fell somewhat. “Are you asking when our arrangement is over?”_

_“Ja. If there is a foreseeable end I would like to know about it.” Caleb explained._

_Essek nodded in understanding. “Well, right now I do not see such a thing. If we find ourselves incompatible, we simply call it off. Or if one of us enters a monogamous relationship.” Not that Essek could see that for himself, perhaps ever. “There are a number of things that could terminate this agreement.”_

_“Would that… You spoke about the… bubble-like nature of this. But, if this were to end, what would that mean for anything else? The, ah, other points of contact between us.” Caleb looked at the table between them, his eyes only flickering up briefly to meet Essek’s._

_“Nothing, I would hope.” Essek shrugged. “I have faith in my own professionalism. I believe that if this proves to be a mistake, I can continue as though it never happened.”_

_“Ah, ja. I think I can do that too.” Caleb agreed._

_“Then I do not see a problem.” Essek tried to meet Caleb’s eyes but failed. “But perhaps it would be best not to dwell on the possible end before we have begun, yes?”_

_“Of course, I apologize.” Caleb looked up and their gazes finally met again. “I like to know as much about the possible outcomes of a choice as I can.”_

_Who doesn’t? “Very understandable.”_

_Before he could answer, a second yawn escaped Caleb, which he hid behind the back of his hand. “Sorry…”_

_“No need. I have kept you quite a while.”_

_“Kept me very willingly.” Caleb added with a smile that spoke of his tiredness. “But, ah, perhaps I should get going.”_

_“Of course.” Essek nodded. “Let me escort you to the door.”_

-

Essek had calculated the best time to Teleport onto the Mighty Nein’s ship.

He had accounted for time zones, the times they were most likely to wake up, the starting time of the negotiations and most other variables. He had a decent chance at making it to the ship without issue. The image of the room below the deck was still all too clearly burned into his mind.

The optimal time to Teleport, according to these calculations, had been five minutes ago. Essek had been prepared – magically and physically – to Teleport _fifteen_ minutes ago. He hoped to find himself emotionally ready any second.

But Essek’s hands were frozen, completely stuck at his sides. He couldn’t raise them and no arcane gestures wanted to come to his fingers. His tongue was equally unmoving, not a single sound rolling over it. He merely stood there, trying to persuade himself to cast the spell. He wasn’t sure what _exactly_ was holding him back, other than that it was a product of his own mind. Was it fear over the scrutiny of his friends? Worry about their reactions? Reasonable sources, but there seemed to be more to it. He simply couldn’t place his finger on what that was.

Normally, the thought of being closer to them – especially Caleb – would have had him weaving runes in seconds and diminishing the chances of a mishap with sheer willpower alone. But, then, when had things last been or even _felt_ normal?

“Come on.” He tried to coax himself. He was well-aware that he was only delaying the inevitable.

It took another few moments of collecting his thoughts – which seemed to scatter again right after – and finally, he raised his hands, drew the familiar symbols into the air and muttered the words that caused the floor to drop away beneath him.

And instantly his surroundings were exchanged with those of the familiar interior of a ship. He felt the gentle rocking of the vessel tilting his body, he heard the muffled sounds of the ocean outside and the much more prominent noises of steps on wood right above him. The wet, salty scent of the sea seeped into his nose. He had arrived without a mishap. For just a second his eyes lingered on a familiar crate in the corner of the room. One he had sat on not too long before. His chest tightened. The sight would have sent anxiety through his system if he wasn’t already nervous and all but shaking to begin with. He drew in a deep breath, using the last moments of the Nein’s unawareness of him to calm his mind as much as he could.

He then summoned the form of Dezran Thain around himself. He hoped no other boat would see him, but if someone did happen to look at the deck of the Mighty Nein’s ship he did not want to be seen in his normal appearance. Additionally, Essek had no idea how trusted the crew of the Nein were. This was safer. That didn’t help the almost itching sensation expanding over his skin with the illusion.

Essek looked toward the door. It would be fine. He just had to be composed, confident and certain. Or he had to pretend to be. He took in another breath, hoping to calm his hammering heart with it. And then he exited the room, traversed the interior and emerged on deck.

Several heads turned to look at him.

“When did you get here?”

-

The negotiations were relatively uninteresting to watch. Especially from afar. Essek was glad for it.

However, as much as the blandness was a good sign, it also made it almost too easy to instead focus on everything that was happening aboard the Ball Eater. Jester had become, predictably, bored within minutes, if not seconds, and directed most of her energy elsewhere. The rest of the Nein alternated between watching through the small telescope, entertaining each other and idly watching the armada. Essek pondered approaching one of them to start up a conversation, but he decided against it. He wasn’t sure what he would have said, anyway. And he did not want to provoke. So he kept his distance, noting how _different_ he felt around the Nein since before that fateful night in Nicodranas. It wasn’t a good kind of different.

Hours passed without much happening. Occasionally, the person with the telescope would report someone on either of the central ships moving, which summoned the entire rest of the Nein to the edge of the ship to keep watch, before the instigator calmed everyone with a ‘false alarm’. That was about as much excitement as there was to be had.

“We didn’t expect you to join us.”

Until just then. Essek startled a little and turned to see Caleb join him at the railing. Immediately, his heart pounded with thrice the vigor, threatening to leap out of his chest and into the sea. “Oh. Sorry for intruding unannounced.”

Caleb gave him a small smile. It was hard to read. He held out something half-wrapped in parchment. “Here.” Essek gave the package an inquisitive look. “Ah, it’s a type of… biscuit? I think? Sailor’s food. The crew packed them in Nicodranas.”

Essek continued to look at the offered package. He avoided looking at Caleb’s face as he accepted it. “Thank you.” He briefly looked over the deck. The whole group, plus some of the crew, were present at different posts. The closest other person was Fjord, who was also watching over the railing, though with more of a distant look in his eyes. That did not mean that no one paid them mind, however. Essek could feel eyes on him as Caleb claimed the spot beside him. He turned back to sea, avoiding to look at him, still. He was afraid of what he would find if he risked a glance.

“Do you think they will manage to settle this?” Caleb asked in a neutral, conversational tone.

Essek didn’t know whether to interpret it as a good sign or not. “I believe so.” He replied honestly. “Hostility will prevail, of course. But the Dynasty has no interest in further bloodshed. And I cannot imagine the Empire to differ in that regard.”

“Hostility will prevail.” Caleb echoed as though contemplating the phrase.

“Always has, always will.” Essek added. He sighed and let his gaze sweep over the numerous ships.

“There is something to that, I guess.” Caleb paused for a contemplative moment. “There was something that I really-“

“Yo, Caleb, hand over the looking glass!” Beau cut in, either unaware of the conversation or intentionally disrupting it.

Caleb turned, away from Essek and the railing. “I do not have it.”

“Wha- who took it?! You asked for it last.”

“Incorrect, I handed it to Fjord just a few moments ago.” Caleb indicated Fjord, who turned to join the conversation, as well. Within moments, Caleb abandoned his spot on the railing to tend to whatever was unraveling on deck.

Essek unwrapped the package. The biscuit was a bit dry. That was fine.

-

That brief interaction remained the only one Essek had during the peace talks.

Hours of doing next to nothing should have provided ample opportunity for another. But people were close by, Caleb got wrapped into other conversations or settled against the railing so far away that Essek was too anxious to approach him. It was not as though it mattered. Anything that they had to say, anything that demanded a real conversation, could not have been dealt with so close to the others. And Essek knew there were things to talk about. He knew that there must have been thoughts Caleb had about the situation they found themselves in. Essek was afraid of what those thoughts were.

The negotiations concluded for the day without any deaths – a very good sign.

With a sigh Essek turned away from the railing. He would have to return. In the center of the deck, the Nein had gathered. Essek positioned himself, trying to find a balance between being close enough to be spoken to or participate, but distant enough to not be forcing himself into their midst. He was about to leave, when they decided to contact the Bright Queen. The sheer thought of that sent another bolt of anxiety through him, but curiosity won and he made no move to stop them, instead waiting for her reply relayed by Jester.

And then, even worse, they _also_ decided to contact the Martinet. The mention of which made his entire body tense up. Yet, again, his curiosity won. And the information Jester shared was thankfully no cause for concern.

As he then finally decided to say his goodbyes for the day, Jester offered – in a way – that he sleep on the boat and if his eyes flickered to Caleb ever so briefly, well then he hoped that his Disguise had hidden that, somehow, as well. Those foolish ideas he had entertained before came back to his mind and he dispersed them with a shake of the head, fearing that they might otherwise take root with everything else.

So he went home.

Unfortunately, the discomfort he had felt throughout the day clung to him as he Teleported. He had hoped to leave it on the ship with the Nein, but it had followed him to Rosohna. Things had been decidedly different. Strange, even. He wasn’t sure whether the feeling was mutual, but it had been bothering him for hours.

Caution and mistrust, things that had been dormant for a _while_ , lay between them. And though almost everything had been said, it felt as though there was something huge and unaddressed hanging over all of their heads. Looming in silence.

Essek exhaled loudly as he dispelled his disguise and headed to his bed chamber to prepare himself for his trance.

The only unaddressed thing that came to his mind was solely between him and Caleb – namely the future of their agreement. Whether it had changed. And if so, in what way. Those worries had been there ever since Nicodranas, but they had been quiet and subdued. Yet, seeing Caleb again, hearing his voice and exchanging a few words had allowed them to flourish once more. Like a re-opened wound. Something that had started to heal scratched back open - fresh and raw and bleeding.

Essek tried to analyze the situation, tried to estimate his chances as he took off his mantle. Caleb had talked to him. That should have been a good sign; at least there wasn’t total avoidance. Yet, the conversation had been brief and superficial with Caleb seemingly unable to even touch on his reason for initiating and he had made no effort to pick it up after it had been dropped. So maybe the decision to talk had been impulsive and forgotten at a second thought?

Essek changed into something more comfortable. He felt a thrumming pain in his chest. Felt sorrow creep in and overcome him. He couldn’t draw any proper conclusions right then. Not until they had a moment to speak. To really discuss the situation. Essek both anticipated and dreaded whenever that time came.

He finished his nightly routine before crawling into bed and pulling the sheets over himself. The empty space beside him felt once again more bothersome. He tried to push that feeling away. He would see him again the next day. Would see all of them again the next day. 

He closed his eyes, trying to distract himself from the emptiness beside him, trying to grasp at some-

“You have, like, assistants! Like, send one of your guys out and then just have them come back and then you can have it in-“

Essek groaned. Right, the pastry request. He appreciated Jester, he truly did, but the last thing on his mind was seeking out a bakery to get some kind of sweets.

“I'm trying to sleep, Jester. There is no bakery open at the moment. My sincerest apologies.”

He rolled over and tried not to worry about the fact that the Nein might very well have been talking about him and his visit that very moment. Tried to ignore the possibility that Caleb could be thinking about him miles and miles away.

-

He was quicker to Teleport the following day.

It still took a moment of convincing himself, but not nearly as long as before. Within minutes of being ready, he appeared on the Ball Eater, disguised as Dezran and walking onto the deck of the ship once more.

“I hope I have not missed anything.”

In a repeat of the day before, the members of the Nein turned around to face him.

Something was different.

Essek recoiled on instinct. He couldn’t tell what it was but in the brief timespan between leaving the day before and his arrival just then, something about the mood, or about their regard for him, had changed. Shifted. He couldn’t tell what it was, whether it was in the way they looked at him or the way they looked at each other. It was just a feeling without a real source. For a moment, he believed to be imagining it – his perception skewed by troubled rest and countless worries. But then he looked over at Caleb, whose eyes immediately hardened before he averted his gaze completely.

_What the hells?_

The anxiety, manageable just moments before, started to burn in his gut. Essek could feel his mind on the brink of tumbling into chaotic panicked thoughts and theories, but he was mercifully torn out of his headspace before he got there. Jester was holding the telescope and she announced that the Beacon was being presented. Everyone hurried to the railing to try and see. Which was still nigh impossible. From afar, Essek could see some movement and with the descriptions provided he could put actions to it. The Beacon was handed over, followed by the exchange of prisoners.

Essek felt his breath coming a little shorter as he saw what must have been Adeen being presented and traded. Jester asked him whether they knew each other and the reminder made anger flare up in his gut. But he decided not to feed the flames by telling the whole story. It wasn’t the time nor the place for such a tale. He settled on Jester’s description of him ‘sucking’, instead, but hoped to himself that he might one day get a chance to tell them why he thought so.

Beau asked how he felt watching Adeen and, of course, it was a relief. But more than she, or anyone on deck perhaps, knew. It was relieving not only because it wasn’t him who was in chains. But also because this trade-off secured one variable that he could not influence or change anymore. Adeen was gone. Dealt with. There was nothing to be done about him anymore and Essek did not need to waste another thought on him.

And just like that, the long awaited peace talks - the culmination of months of military conflict and years of brewing tensions, the product of treason and hatred and two nations that had never seen and would never see eye to eye – were over.

There was going to be an aftermath, of course. Many things to take care of. But, on the surface at least, the war was over. Essek didn’t know what he had expected to feel but there was not much. He supposed that made sense. Though what had just transpired would have ripple effects for years and lifetimes to come, the realization of it would take some time to settle in.

Essek looked the Mighty Nein over. That odd feeling that had overcome him earlier had subsided somewhat, muted with the shift in mood on deck. Relief, cautious optimism, happiness. Though beneath all that there was still something _not quite right_.

Essek tried to meet Caleb’s eyes. And to his surprise, he managed to do so. But only for a fleeting moment before Caleb looked away again. And Essek still could not tell why.

When he announced his imminent departure and his further intentions, he felt like he may have been honing in on what that strange feeling of _wrong_ was. Beau seemed more hostile than before. She had been mistrusting even back in Nicodranas – as was her right to be – but Essek felt just then there was a little more acid in her words than there had been the day before. So maybe they really _had_ talked about him the prior evening. Maybe.

Essek wasn’t sure what to do with that. There was not much he could have said in his defense. He knew he was not exempt from the statements he was making. But he felt too nervous and too on edge to elaborate any further. The peace was minutes old, the shift in their dynamic days. There was a likely Scourger in his Dungeon, a private conversation with Caleb that had to happen – there was a lot. And to top it off, they were on the ocean, he was in Disguise and positively _melting_ in the sun. There would be other days to tell them more. Gods, he hoped there would be other days for them to talk.

“We can talk in a more safe environment about the tangled web that all of these people have built.” He offered, hoping desperately that they would take it for the promise that it was, not for an excuse. He hoped that they heard the request it contained. To continue, to meet again, to not let this end.

“Seems like you’ve spun a thread or two yourself, Essek.” Caleb said, his tone wary and accusing. And Essek felt it seep into the cracks of his heart and tear at them further. This was okay. He deserved this. He had broken his trust, Caleb had every right to be wary.

"I do not exclude myself from these statements." He said honestly. He knew he was culpable. He knew the role he had played. He knew of the consequences. And he knew that the Nein could see them, too.

“Well, we have our peace, so,” Caleb replied and Essek didn’t know what to make of it. “Happy days.” But he did know a sendoff when he heard one.

“Happy days. Until then.”

And he left.

-

Essek wasn’t the only one who needed time to get used to the notion of the war being over.

He had quite a lot of reasons to attend the Lucid Bastion in the days following the negotiations. And he could tell from every interaction he had or heard in passing that the city was in a period of transition. Politically, plans were being made, resources were being assigned, contingencies in case of a broken ceasefire were put in place. Culturally, it appeared that people were seeing where the end of the war left them. Some had soldiers to mourn, others had to re-plan their businesses. But the fact that they were at peace – for the time being – had not quire sunken in, yet.

Similarly, Essek still hadn’t dealt with the fact that there was most likely a Scourger in the Dungeon of Penance. A secret captive. One whose reveal would throw everything that he saw around him back into utter chaos. Since the negotiations, Essek had been torn between worrying over his relationship to the Nein and his bond with Caleb – and worrying about that Scourger. There was not much to be done about the Nein. He resisted the temptation to Teleport to them, not wanting to sour their relationship further by intruding. Though the continued absence of Sendings had him worried. Worried about his friends, out there, alone on the ocean with a small crew. Prey to storms and whatever untold horrors lurked below the surface of rolling waves.

As for the potential Scourger - he hadn’t found it in himself to visit her. He knew he had to and he knew he had to do it sooner rather than later. Each passing day increased the risks of her being discovered. The good thing about the chosen protocol was that any prisoner apprehended with it was to be brought in in such a way that none of the guards in the Dungeon could tell their identity. The method of concealing was left to the operative. So, so far the operative and at the very least one guard – assigned to feed the prisoner – were aware of a human captive. That was fine. They were trained to be loyal to Essek. And sworn to secrecy.

But eventually his ability to justify delaying his visit grew weak. And the day when he had to face her had arrived.

Essek approached the Dungeon feeling heavy. He had a catalog of questions in his mind that he knew he would not receive answers to. This wasn’t pessimism, it was simply realistic.

Because there was something that no one in his line of work, perhaps no one in government, wanted the common folk to know: Torture was, all in all, extremely ineffective.

It looked good on paper, didn’t it? Put someone through enough physical distress until the need for reprieve outweighed the loyalty to whatever organization or nation had sent them. Everyone had a breaking point, yes? A moment when self-preservation kicked in and took over.

In Essek’s experience – not really.

It wasn’t about self-preservation. Not when the person being tortured had been trained – brainwashed, some would have said – to believe in something _greater_ than their self. Greater than their life. For Kryn that was, largely, the Luxon. For enemy operatives it was the Empire. What worth did one’s body and mind hold when compared to the magnitude of an institution, a nation, a _god_?

And Essek knew that anyone willing to infiltrate, anyone who would ‘rightfully’ end up in such a situation – well, they usually had some _really strong_ beliefs. Which made pain just an obstacle to suffer on their path of serving that greater thing, that purpose. And suffer they would. And spill nothing but blood and screams. No secrets.

It did happen, on occasion. But it was rare and it usually indicated something suspicious. That their spirit had been broken before, that they had been nurturing doubts.

Overall, the people who were susceptible to torture were those whose secrets weren’t worth learning. Commoners who had been falsely arrested, spies who were unconvinced by their own cause or ready to bargain without blood.

Scourgers were none of that.

Much to his displeasure, Essek had interacted with enough of them to know not to expect decent results from interrogation. They believed in their nation and in their cause with unfaltering conviction. There was no part of them that wasn’t touched by the Empire. They breathed for it, _lived_ for it and, commonly, died for it. They weren’t people so much as tools. Tools that had been forged not to break.

Essek had wondered – on numerous occasions – how they had been forged to be so durable. What had been done to them to achieve such a level of indifference to their own suffering, their own end. He didn’t wonder about it that day. Instead, he was focused on seeming indifferent himself. To try and draw no attention, lest someone learned that he had a secret in his cell. Those that knew of her he could throw off by explaining that it was a confirmed trick by a third party. There had been talk of one as there really _was_ one. It was an easy lie.

Essek stood in front of the heavy door as it was being opened for him. He was informed that the prisoner had been subdued repetitively, keeping in line with the protocol she had been secured under. He was told that she would probably regain consciousness any moment.

Then he stepped inside and heard the door shut again.

Whatever method of concealing her identity had been used before, it was gone at that point. In front of Essek, shackled and chained in multiple ways was a human figure, limp, head hanging on her chest. She had very short, black hair and relatively pale skin.

Essek bent down from a distance to look at her face. Her eyes were shut, her jaw slack. But something else drew his attention. This woman was… young.

Very young.

Essek’s estimation of human lifespans was not flawless but he could not imagine her to have more than two decades to her name.

He straightened his back, his insides curling uncomfortably at the realization. This could have meant a number of things. Essek wasn’t sure that it meant anything, at all. He continued to look her over, but nothing else stood out. Hesitantly, he approached her, taking the opportunity to give her a closer look while she was still out. He scanned her once more, but noticed little else. A very faint scar on the side of her neck that looked like the result of combat.

Scars. Essek’s eyes traveled down her clothed arms. He paused, then gingerly reached out and took her arm. No response. Not even a stir. He rolled up one of her sleeves.

_Oh._ Essek had expected a jarringly familiar pattern of scars, but he had been wrong. Instead, there were tattoos. Strange lines covering her whole forearm. He looked them over closely and the pieces connected in his mind almost instantly. Ink, not scar tissue, but the patterns were awfully similar. The angles, the symmetry, the placement of the lines. So Caleb really had been on his way to become a Scourger at some point. He’d just… not completed it, most likely. Or perhaps the ink was a more recent introduction to whatever training they received?

He couldn’t know. And he sure as hell wouldn’t find out from her.

He rolled her sleeve down and glided back to his careful distance from her. As he waited, his mind reeled. Caleb had been on this path. How had he strayed from it? What had he done to leave? Surely, the Scourgers did not take kindly to anyone who deserted their cause. And… if he hadn’t done that… could this have been him? Worse, could it have been him months before, crushed to death at Essek’s hand? Essek swallowed. How close had Caleb been to being Essek’s prisoner rather than his friend?

A cold, unnerving feeling expanded in his gut. But it wasn’t for Caleb. It was for this prisoner in front of him. She was dreadfully young. How close had she been to leading a different life? A normal, good life, perhaps? Something that Caleb and Essek had both been denied. Or strayed from, perhaps. He shook his head and tried to steel himself. No, he was not going to contemplate the life of a prisoner of his. He was not going to sympathize with a Scourger.

She began to move.

Essek observed as she slowly reclaimed her consciousness, head rocking to the side before finally tilting up to look at him. And he could tell from the first time he met her real eyes – with irises of light brown - that he had been right about her. Her eyes were blank. Like all the Scourgers’ before her had been. There was a moment of recognition, but that was it. It was unnerving.

There was no time to contemplate it. Instead, Essek had to get started. See whether she could be reasoned with, perhaps. After all, the situation was unique.

“You’re awake.” He observed.

She made no reply. She did not even move an inch.

“By now you must have figured out where you are.” Essek stated, it was no question. “But do you remember _why_ you are here?”

No response, still.

“Well. Let me remind you in case you got knocked around a bit too much.” Essek’s back felt like it was the straightest it had ever been as he tried to control his posture and breathing. “You were apprehended while infiltrating the home of a political figure. Now, I understand you are of the Empire. And I do assume you heard of the state of international relations. So, I ask you, do you understand what your presence in this city implies?”

She clung to her silence. She did nothing but stare at him with sharp, alert eyes.

“A breach of-“

“You can cut the preamble.” She suddenly raised her voice in irritation. Her speech was tinted with the sharpened consonants and slightly off-sounding vowels of a faint Zemnian accent.

She did speak. But out of irritation rather than logic. Impulse rather than planning. Interesting. “Then I assume you know why you’re here. And what consequences that could yield.”

She laughed dryly. “Does it matter whether I know?”

“I assure you, what you know is all that matters here.” Essek insisted. He tried not to sound too hostile. If she gave in to emotion to say something, perhaps there were other things that made her give in, as well. “Well, that, and what further things you were trying to learn, of course.”

“Tell me, Shadowhand,” The Scourger gave an uncanny smile. “How often has this little routine worked for you so far?”

Essek smirked in return. “I could trade you that information for some of those _unimportant_ things you know.”

“Ah, you think me stupid.” The Scourger assessed.

“No, but want for options.” Essek replied.

“Oh, I am want for very little, Shadowhand.” She said and it sounded almost sweet.

“I have to disagree. You are severely lacking in freedom, for one.”

“And that is what you will give me, then?” She teased in disbelief.

“Depending on your behavior, it could be a possibility.” Essek posited. He had no intention on following through, but perhaps by pursuing what she was lacking he would find something to trade her.

“Right.” The Scourger all but laughed. “The Shadowhand, letting an enemy go on grounds of ‘good behavior’.”

“And what is it you know of ‘the Shadowhand’?” Essek probed.

“Far more than you wish I did.” She smirked. “And I certainly know that he doesn’t let his prisoners go. No matter what. So, let us get us to the part I know you are so desperately waiting for and be done with it.”

The indifference, the near request to be tortured – Scourgers were… there was something deeply unsettling about them. “I am offering you an alternative route.”

“Well I do not care for it.” She replied with certainty. “I don’t make deals with cricks.”

“You care not for your freedom?” Essek asked.

“I care for things far beyond my freedom. I care for the freedom of many, of the civilized world. And you cannot offer me that.” She insisted. “So just do what we both know you will do, anyway.”

“Very well.”

And so there was no other place for that conversation to go. Essek could try to confirm the names of her masters and the goal of her mission through means of pain, but he did not get the sense that she was any more susceptible to that than her peers had been. That was fine. Apprehending her had been mostly to take her out of the equation as Essek was rather certain about most of his guesses.

This meant that she had ceased to serve a purpose. Which in turn meant that there was only one thing left to do. To clean up that loose end right then and there.

Essek looked at her, focused on her. Why did it seem… challenging?

He didn’t take delight in killing. He never had. But it had never been like this before. She was a Scourger. An assassin, a spy, a highly trained operative – she was whatever the Empire needed her to be. Essek had delivered endings to many like her before, had sometimes carried them out himself. Had on occasion withheld an end to draw out the torment in hopes of gaining some information.

He was a murderer. A torturer. A Shadowhand.

But as he looked at that young, _young_ Scourger, the thought he’d been ignoring became a little louder. This could have been Caleb. One step to the right and it could have been him. Whatever almost made him, had made this girl. The people Caleb had been afraid of, that he resented, were holding the ends of her strings. That did not _excuse_ her atrocities – or maybe it did, Essek wasn’t sure - but regardless, it gave him pause.

He new that it should not have. That it was beyond foolish for him to even contemplate her path. But… he did. He considered hers and his own and Caleb’s and things became blurry and muddled.

He felt a phantom echo of the gentle rocking of a boat beneath his feet, the distant sound of the ocean in his ears. The sensations and feelings of truth being spilled. Of a million lies dying. Of a second chance granted.

But this person was guilty. Ending her would not diminish his underserved claim to that second chance. It would not tip the scales any further against his favor. It was normal, it was expected.

It was something, Essek realized, that he did not want to do.

He regarded her for another moment, conflict in his chest, and then turned on his heel, opened the heavy door and stepped through its frame. He turned to one of the guards.

“Put her in one of the permanent containment cells. Continue with the protocol. See to it that she survives. Contain her in maximum security.”

“Of course, Shadowhand.”

Essek left. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do with her. He didn’t have a concrete plan. But in recent days he had had to learn to make do without one.

-

He went back to avoiding the Dungeon in the following days. Each day he hoped to find a solution to his emotional dilemma and each day he was disappointed.

There were really only two options. Essek could kill her, which had been reluctant to do when he actually could have. Or he could release her, which seemed disastrous, because she would return to her masters, continue her mission or do something unpredictable but undoubtedly awful. There was a third option, but it was nothing permanent: Keep her where she was. Which, in a way, was what he was already doing.

Each day Essek worried that he would hear about her escape or that he would be summoned to the Bastion and asked about a curious prisoner he had been keeping. Joining those worries were others: A sudden distressed message from Jester without his ability to help, or a solemn one informing him that it was already too late.

But so far no one seemed to bother with him. His only stress was self-imposed. The loose ends he had been working on were – with the exception of the Scourger – easily dealt with. The newly signed peace treaty provided work in the Lucid Bastion, but did not add much to his plate. As per the nature of his occupation, peace was not something he had a lot to do with.

Unfortunately, there was still that feeling of _wrong_ that accompanied him each day. It wasn’t the same as it had been. Nothing was the same. And he began to feel that, with everything that had happened, maybe it never would be the same again.

His mind kept drifting to a grotesquely named ship and the people on it. Or perhaps no longer on it. How long was their journey again? Essek couldn’t recall. Maybe they had not told him. But with those thoughts came the ones about Caleb. And the anticipation-dread of the conversation that they would have to have eventually.

Essek had no idea what the outcome of that would end up being. Because trust had never been part of their bubble, not really. But he knew he would have been kidding himself if he tried to hold onto that like a shield. He knew that it could change things. And that Caleb would, at the very least, have to re-evaluate what they had been doing. Caleb hadn’t known who Essek really was. And Essek could not hold him accountable for changing his mind. If that was where things were going to go.

Though Essek really hoped that they wouldn’t. It didn’t change anything. Not for him. And perhaps, it wouldn’t have to change things for Caleb, either.

One night after many days of drifting and avoidant thoughts, Essek wondered, how much longer it would realistically take for that dreaded-anticipated conversation to occur. It only took one thing for that to happen. Caleb just had to come back to Rosohna.

Once he did, would… would Essek still confess? He narrowed his eyes at the thought – a recurring one those past few days.

Initially, he had intended to do tell him at the first chance he got. Then he hadn’t done it. Then he had wanted to do it after the peace talks. And now he may not get to. It had seemed reasonable back then, to wait until after the negotiations were over. He had assumed, quite falsely, that a signed peace treaty would put him at ease more, make things more predictable. It didn’t and it hadn’t. And Essek wasn’t about to expect that to change. Things were still a complete mess, his relationship with the Nein more than ever. Things were volatile.

And he knew that that was something that he would have to come to terms with. The fact that it’d always be an unpredictable mess. Utter chaos. And that whatever he planned to do with any of his – hopefully not former – friends, he had to do it while he could.

It was a painful realization, because it came way too late. Intentions had been intentions, but he had never actually gone through with them. He _hadn’t_ told Caleb. He _hadn’t_ found the perfectly crafted moment for it. And now, after everything that happened below deck and above, he wasn’t sure whether he should still go through with it. He had tried to abandon his feelings. It hadn’t gone well. But had he _really_ tried? Or had he subconsciously _hoped_ for something else?

Was he still hoping?

Essek rolled onto his side to stare at the empty half of his bed. The half he desperately wanted to assign a name to. He wanted to tug over the blanket and bury his face in it and smell Caleb’s fireplace scent. But the sheets had long since been switched and washed.

Essek sighed as his stream of consciousness kept flowing, unbothered by his desire to relax and trance. If Caleb saw no reason to change the arrangement, opening up about his emotions would introduce yet another variable into the mess and possibly further strain the relationship. Because then there would be meanings, second thoughts, motives that Caleb hadn’t accounted for. And even if Caleb was fine with that, wouldn’t Essek end up questioning each tryst even more? Whether Caleb said nice things to appease his emotions or withheld something out of fear of leading Essek on?

And if Caleb decided he could not bear the knowledge of Essek’s deeds in combination with their arrangement, volunteering his feelings would only seem like a desperate plea. Perhaps something to make Caleb stay. Perhaps something that wouldn’t even be believed. And if it was believed, then it was an unnecessary additional weight on Caleb’s permanently hunched over shoulders. Because he would not only be ending a string of trysts. He would be knowingly breaking a heart.

Which did not seem like something Caleb was frequently confronted with having to do.

Essek’s chest was tight and only constricted further with the familiar sting of tears in the corners of his eyes. There really was no way for this to end well, was there? Perhaps if he had taken the opportunity _before_ the peace talks. Or even on the boat with an element of surprise. But he hadn’t. He had been scared of the unpredictability, of the unknown, of the things that would happen no matter what he did to prevent them. And now he was there, alone, uncertain and already heartbroken.

This wasn’t even a new realization, he reminded himself as the tears began to stain his pillow. He had known this before. A version of it, at least. He had known that his feelings could never be validated, that what he wanted with Caleb was a thing that could never be. But somehow in between kissing and honesty and emotion, he seemed to have misplaced that fact. Or clung to that little inkling of hope in his heart. Hope that, against all odds, Essek had a shot with Caleb.

That they had a shot together – nations and politics be damned.

Essek curled up, clinging to himself. And in the solitude and privacy of his home, he allowed himself to sob.

-

Every moment felt like a chore the next day.

This feeling had been coming and going ever since the negotiations. He managed to push it off well enough but it lingered on the edge of his mind for hours, regardless. Essek knew he couldn’t give in to it. He just had to push on and keep going. He was still researching the warding for the Lucid Bastion. The Bright Queen thought the extra protection important, even in times of peace. Or so she had said.

Essek believed her and he thought it made enough sense. One signed peace treaty was not enough to uproot lifetimes of distrust in one’s enemy nation. Now if only he hadn’t had to leave his towers to gather some books at the Conservatory for the task, that would have been marvelous. He worried that people saw how strained he felt. Though, if they did, no one ever made a mention of it.

It took no time at all for him to find the correct shelf in the Conservatory and even the tomes he had been seeking. He pulled out one of them-

“Hey Essek! Question! Could you Teleport us to Rumblecusp? We’re there right now but we have to transport some people and we need a way-“

-and dropped it. A few heads turned and he cleared his throat and paid them no mind as he lifted the book up into his hand with Dunamancy. All the while his mind put the message he’d received together. He looked at the book in his hands and frowned. “I am sorry, Jester. I am currently very tied up. Busy, I mean. Please stay safe. Good luck with your... event?”

No response. He was sort of busy, but he wasn’t sure whether he could honestly say that that had been the main motivator behind the rejection. Caught off-guard, he had been scared of seeing the Nein again. Felt unprepared. And with his prisoner in the Dungeon, he didn’t want to leave Rosohna for a minute if he could help it.

Instantaneous regret colored his mind. But no Sending came to push the request.

-

There was no Sending the following days, either.

And not much else worthy of note.

Essek wasn’t sure why that unsettled him. Being uneasy had become an unfortunate status quo, but he felt as though he was afraid of something. Anticipating something. Something unknown. He felt like, if he blinked in the wrong moment, the world may have come apart once he opened his eyes again.

Illogical concerns and worries ruled his heart and when he thought he had soothed one, another cropped up. Something new or something old that he had forgotten. He hadn’t paid his co-conspirators too much mind with their Scourger locked up, but they may have very well been plotting his end for weeks. May have sent another operative. Or perhaps they were coming for the Nein first?

Gods, he wanted the Mighty Nein to return to Rosohna. He wanted them there so badly. Or, at least, he wanted to know that they would certainly come back. That that was truly something that was going to happen and not a delusion he told himself to keep calm. He just wanted to start mending what he had begun to undermine years ago. A tunnel underneath a building that hadn’t even been in construction, yet.

But at the same time, he still dreaded their return. The possibility of changed minds, punishments and friendships that could not be repaired hung heavily over his head.

Similarly, he still wanted Caleb specifically to return. He awaited him desperately. He loved him so dearly, missed him each day and not knowing where exactly he was or how he was doing was a searing pain. Be he feared the arrival nonetheless. Where his mind would be at, what he would be feeling and what he would want. Or rather, what he may not want anymore.

Essek was more than conflicted, then, when a guard rushed to his towers to alert him of the return of the Nein to the city. It had been Essek’s request that he be informed as soon as they used the Circle and for a moment he wished he hadn’t issued the order because it gave his anxiety time and space to fester. He thanked the guard with a mask of mild interest and wished him goodbye.

Then he shut the door and tried to calm his fluttering nerves and panicked breaths. He thought he might rush to the Bastion, not to greet the Nein, but to find someone politically important to talk to so that he could be ‘terribly busy’ if they asked for him. Or perhaps he should have rushed to the top of his towers, to the laboratory and pretended not to hear or receive any Sendings, Messages or knockings.

In his frantic fear he wasted more time going over his options than actually doing any of them and he ended up simply going to the study to just deal with the Nein the moment they decided to show up.

Which they didn’t do.

Hours passed without a knock. No one Sent to him or ask him to come over. No one came to greet him or apprehend him and Essek became increasingly more unnerved. This sensation then got tinted with frustration and irritation. And he found himself in a strange mixed state of alertness and distraction, where he was extremely aware of his surroundings, like his nervous heart was ready to startle or leap, but at the same time he was unfocused, not paying attention to what he was doing as his thoughts sprinted away.

The evening seeped into night and he pushed the possibility of a visit out of his mind completely as the hours drew later. The anticipation died down with the realization that no one would come to see him and it was replaced with disappointment. He felt tired. It was no surprise, his trances had been anything but restful in the recent nights. But more than that, the hours of anxiety and brief spikes of panic had used up whatever energy he had had left.

So he rose, perhaps to get something to drink or to head to bed already, he wasn’t sure. He didn’t get to make up his mind about it as he heard his alarm trigger right then. The Nein. Seconds later, that familiar sound of his door knocker. No. Just Caleb.

The anxiety returned with renewed vigor. It bubbled in his gut and in his entire body, just beneath the skin. He knew why Caleb was there. If it was him. And he knew better than to leave his guest waiting.

He checked his appearance only briefly. He hoped that Caleb would not be able to see beyond his mask to see the weariness, the exhaustion and the turmoil. Essek glided to his front door and noticed his hand tremble as he reached out to open it. So he took a breath he hoped would calm him and instead opened it with a small Dunamantic pull.

And immediately, he was proven right.

“Caleb.” Essek said and joy and love warred with fear and dread in his chest. “I wasn’t expecting you.” He lied. He wasn’t even sure why he lied.

“I, ah, assumed so.” Caleb looked a little weary himself. He didn’t meet Essek’s eyes. “May I come in?”

“Of course.” Essek stepped aside, allowing Caleb to walk in, before closing the door behind them. He illuminated the room for Caleb, whose gaze drifted around as though he hadn’t seen the foyer before.

“I believe I, no, _we_ ought to have a conversation.” Caleb announced, not even turning to Essek. “If you can spare some time.”

“Yes, I have time.” Essek said honestly. “Would you care to move to a different room to talk?”

“Ja, sure.” Caleb agreed. “This is probably… I want to do this properly.”

Essek wasn’t sure whether that should have been relieving or worrying. “Follow me, then.” He began to lead Caleb through his towers. It felt so familiar and Essek had to remind himself consciously that it was not safe or known. That it was different. And it hurt to know that. It was painful to know that they were not headed to just study or sleep together.

Essek brought them to that same sitting room where they had first discussed their arrangement. It seemed neutral enough. After entering it, he saw the recognition on Caleb’s face. Then sadness. _Oh… please… no…_

Caleb didn’t sit. Or ask to sit. He began to walk around the room and somehow Essek found himself afraid to offer a seat. Or perhaps too distracted to do so.

Silence lingered in the room like an uninvited guest. Essek didn’t have to ask what they needed to discuss. There was plenty. Caleb, though looking around the room as if searching for a clue, seemed to strike up the conversation any moment. So Essek just allowed him to use the space for what seemed to boil down to nervous pacing, while he remained in place, frozen and waiting.

“Some of them- Some of the Nein want to see you punished.” Caleb struck.

Essek’s heart sank. He felt himself tense up. He had noticed the hostility, the change. He had known that getting off of that ship alive not once but thrice had been nothing but leniency by the Nein. He had even entertained the thought that they had only let him go because they expected him to return if he died. Yet, it stung to hear. It made him more nervous, more anxious. Afraid, even. “I see.” He said, colored with honest sadness. “And… and you?”

Caleb hesitated at that. His gait stopped and he was staring at some trinkets sitting in one of the shelves. “I don’t- I cannot believe that your punishment would benefit anybody.” He shook his head. He turned toward Essek a little more, but not fully. “At least not punishment for punishment’s sake.”

“I… see.” Essek said, yet again. He didn’t feel relieved. Instead, it felt like he was falling and falling and whether he would be caught or hit the ground was entirely up to Caleb. “Did they say how they want to enact this punishment?”

Caleb visibly frowned at that. He glanced at Essek but looked away again. “Are you asking so that you can prepare a plan to get out of it?”

“No.” Essek hoped that Caleb didn’t hear how much the question stung. Not that it wasn’t deserved. He also hoped that he was being honest because while he consciously thought he would not try to run from the Nein’s plans, he wasn’t sure whether that would still be true if he was actually faced with the opportunity.

Caleb gave a singular nod. “There has been no decision made about that, yet.” He looked back at the trinkets. Some small figurines, an obligatory housewarming gift by one of the Dens; Essek forgot which one.

Essek couldn’t bring himself to ask the one question that mattered: ‘Why did you come?’. He knew the road that would lead them down and the answer he would receive scared him, more than the uncertainty did. “Right then.”

“I told you that we are… alike, ja?” Caleb reminded and he started to walk idly again, his gaze sweeping around. It looked as though he was trying to find anything at all to look at that wasn’t Essek. “Or you and some… version of me.”

Thinner than a razor. “Yes, you did.”

“Well, that is… that is what-“ He shook his head and started over. “I saw no penalty. No punishment. For the things that I have done.” He explained. “Not… not enough to match the crimes, at least.” He stopped walking again. “And I have thought about it. Seeking it out. Punishment for my actions… righting the scales, so to speak. I’ve thought- Heh, I’ve thought about enacting it myself if no one else will.” He was staring at a spot on the ground, then he looked to Essek. “But what is the point?”

Essek thought he felt his blood freeze in his veins. Caleb’s tone was relatively calm. Almost neutral as he spoke about- As he admitted that he had considered-...

“Who would benefit from that?” Caleb asked and he looked away again. “The… the dead won’t come back because I share the ground with them. The knowledge I helped unearth will not be forgotten with my name. The things that I deserve might right some grand karmic scales, but they won’t make anything _better_. They won’t make it _right._ ” Caleb narrowed his eyes. “Nothing can ever make it _right._ But I can do things to make it- to make other things better _._ ” He looked to Essek once more. “You do not deserve to leave behind your deeds unscathed. You don’t.”

Essek knew. By the gods, he knew.

“But what _good_ will you do, rotting away in a cell? What _good_ will that brilliant head of yours do, chopped off into a basket?” Caleb shook his head. “Nothing. Nothing good will come of it. Your Queen will have her true traitor, the Empire will have a scapegoat. But the fallen won’t rise and the damage won’t mend.”

Essek swallowed hard.

“I don’t-“ Caleb shook his head. “But I did not come here to discuss… that. I thought- No, it does not matter. I wanted you to know that- That that is where I stand.”

“Why did you come, Caleb?” Essek finally managed to ask.

Caleb shot another look in his direction. “I think you know why.”

It was happening. Caleb was slipping away through Essek’s fingers. Like fine sand. “I do.” Essek admitted. He tried to hold onto something, anything that he found in his mind. Anything to shield him and protect him.

“I want to… I wanted to ask you something.” Caleb announced. “Back then, on the beach. The Whitedawn Lagoon. You said you wanted to speak. That it was something important. Was it- Did you want to tell me that it was you? That you gave away the Beacons?”

The question was painful because there was a very obvious right answer. One that Essek could not give. He looked at the ground. “No.”

Caleb gave a nod as though he had expected it. He continued to pace, gaze turned away again. “You never would have told me- _us_?” He sounded as though he knew the answer. And he probably did. It was not a question to pry for information, it was a question to examine Essek’s reaction. He was sure of it.

“I… I cannot say for certain what more time with your group would have led to. I know I never planned to share my thoughts on the Luxon with you, yet I ended up doing so anyway.” Essek deflated. “So I cannot tell you what would have happened. But I… I was not planning on it, no.” There was probably something he could argue in his defense. But he did not.

“I assumed as much…” Caleb volunteered. He stopped pacing by the window and looked out of it. For another long, harsh moment, there was silence. “We spoke of trust…. When you first brought me here. When we set the parameters for this thing that we have. We spoke of trust and I stand by the agreement we came to, that the trust inside the, ah, bubble, was different from the one outside of it. And I believe that those things are separate, but I cannot help but wonder…”

Essek had been dreading this particular road the most. He had known it would come eventually – that everything would be thrown into question. Essek did not mind answering, because he had been honest about it. What pained him was that he had no way of making Caleb _believe_ that his intentions had been pure.

“Did you ask me to your bed to lead me astray further?”

“No. Never.” Essek said. “I wanted to lead your group away from the truth, yes. But what we have- what we had was never motivated by any of that.”

Caleb turned and looked at him in silence as though if he stared enough he could find the lies tucked away in Essek’s features. He turned his gaze back to the window. “I hoped I’d believe you when you said it…”

“I… may have lost the right to try and convince you-“

“You have, ja.” Caleb agreed.

Essek swallowed, then pushed on. “-but if it might help you believe, I am sure you can see that this arrangement with you was, in regards to my actions, a hindrance rather than a benefit. I took you into my home where you could have gleamed information. I provided you with an opportunity to give those around me a secret that could have been used to my detriment.”

“Ha.” Caleb said without humor. “You always were a sweet-talker. Calling me a liability.”

“I did not mean-“

“You did. You simply dressed the meaning in nice words.” Caleb insisted. “But that is fine. I was. I am. I suppose that is why I did not find a method to contact you sooner… I didn’t want to find out how you dealt with liabilities that had outlived their purpose.”

Essek would never- He would _never._ He’d do _anything_ in his power to ensure his safety. Anything he could. “I will admit that I find that… insinuation hurtful. I never sought to hurt you or the others.”

“Do not mistake my disinterest in punishment for faith.” Caleb warned. “I cannot know what you will do. I don’t trust you.”

“Not even with… with this thing between us?” Essek asked.

Caleb seemed to tense at that. He said nothing. It hurt.

Essek nodded to himself. “I see. Well, you never really trusted me before. I guess it just-“

“That is false.” Caleb didn’t look at him.

“Hm?”

“You are wrong. I did. I trusted you. Outside of the bubble.”

Essek felt a small, broken thing in his chest coming apart further.

“Maybe not for long. But shortly before Nicodranas, I started to fully trust you.” Caleb explained. “And I wanted to. Gods, I really wanted to trust you. Not just with our – I wanted to trust you as a _friend._ ”

Essek wanted nothing more than to tell him that he still could. But he had not earned that. “I… appreciate that you did.”

Another moment of silence filled the room. Caleb was still turned to the window and Essek shifted his gaze to stare at something nonexistent on the wall. It was silent, but inside his head, his thoughts were racing and screaming. And in his chest he felt that stinging, hollow, crushing sensation of his heart falling apart.

“Caleb.” He broke the silence. “I know that there is something that you came to say. And I know that you… you haven’t said it, yet. I don’t deserve it, but perhaps you could … you could say it. I would- Please.” Essek knew where they were headed. He knew the destination, and at this point he simply wanted to arrive. The dread was eating him alive and he wanted to be done. He much rather would have steered away, shifted to a different path, done anything to reach a different outcome – but he knew it was too late for that. There had been several forks in the road before. And he had taken the wrong path each time. Now he just wanted to be done with it.

“Ja. Ja, you’re right, I’m- I’m wasting time.” Caleb said and he turned to Essek from across the room. “I have thought a lot about this. I- I believe you when you say you had no ulterior motives. And I … I think you’ve been honest with me since I came here. But… But I think…” He seemed to be struggling and he looked away again. He started to fidget with the hems of his sleeves and his facial expression was pained, like he had to force the words out of his throat. “Considering… the situation… the Nein and several things that I have to keep in mind for myself… I think that this…” He gestured vaguely between them. “Has, ah… run its course.”

And so they arrived. At the end. Essek pressed his lips together. He gave a hard nod. He felt his fists clenching underneath his mantle and he tried desperately to hold onto the tears he knew to be one breath away. He tried everything he could not to let it show that he was suffering. That he was losing Caleb and the potential of what could have been. “I see.” He heard his own strangled voice say.

“It’s … it’s complicating things… but I… I did value this… whatever this was…” Caleb added and Essek would have felt angry at the clear attempt at softening the blow if he wasn’t so busy holding himself together.

“It was an arrangement.” Essek reminded. “A mutually beneficial physical arrangement.”

“Right…” Caleb said, his own voice unsteady. “Well, thank you for indulging me with it…”

“Please don’t thank me, it was a selfish thing.” Essek explained painfully through gritted teeth. “If that is all you came here for…” He tried to make it sound trivial. Like his chest wasn’t constricting, like he didn’t think he might throw up. Like his mind wasn’t in shambles, like there weren’t tears and aching sobs and wails waiting just below the carefully constructed surface. “I should see you out.”

“There is one more thing before I go.” Caleb stopped him. “I… I wanted to lead with it, but, ah…” He let his voice trail off, offering no explanation. “May I…” He gestured to the coffee table.

Essek wasn’t sure where what he wanted but if it got him to leave more quickly… “Go ahead.”

Caleb nodded and quickly headed over to the indicated table before kneeling beside it. He retrieved chunks of amber from his pockets and set them up. He glanced at Essek who tried to look casual – though he probably failed. In any other circumstance he would have been leaning over Caleb’s shoulder, examining the display, asking questions. And if Caleb noticed this difference, well, what did that matter at this point? Caleb looked back at his spread of amber. “Una.”

Immediately, an array of objects appeared on the table. Essek tried to look at them but then turned away, feeling guilty for prying when that was the last thing he was supposed to be doing. He found a spot on the wall to stare at.

He heard Caleb mutter a few arcane words and when he risked another glance, the items – except for a book – were gone and Caleb was putting away the amber. Essek noticed that his movements were more… laborious than they had previously been. More sluggish. He had seen him do magic enough times to tell the difference. He could have mentioned it and asked about his well-being. He didn’t.

Caleb took the book and stood up with it and Essek finally recognized it. “I brought this back.”

“In your amber…”

“That, ah, yes…. I could have… I ran risk of losing it on the island- I hoped it’d be safer in the amber.” Caleb explained without… actually explaining much of anything. He approached and Essek wanted to back up against the wall but he remained still. Caleb stood in front of him – at a respectable distance - and held out the tome. “I have… annotated it as per our agreement.”

Essek looked at it for an uncomfortable moment. “Am I to interpret the timing of this return as an end to our scholarly relationship?”

Caleb tensed, clutching the book more tightly. “I- I hoped that would not- I understand if it would be difficult to maintain, or, ah, no longer desired without the- But this was no attempt of mine to-“ He visibly shrunk into himself.

“Alright.” Essek took the book from him as if accepting a burden. “Thank you for, er, bringing it home.”

“Of course.” There was another moment of silence. Essek swallowed something uncomfortable as he prepared himself to offer another escort to the door. Just as he was about to suggest it, Caleb spoke up again. “Do not- I do not want to cut ties with you, Essek.” He said and there was a rawness to his voice. “I want to see you do better and I cannot do that if you are a stranger. I want this friendship to prevail. I do. I really do.” He insisted. “I simply do not think I am capable of the… other parts of it. Or of keeping that kind of secret from the Nein if we were to continue. I … things have happened and changed and I…”

“You needn’t explain.” Essek shook his head. “It was agreed upon from the start that this ends when it ends. If you have no interest, whatever the reason, I will respect your decision.”

“Ah, of course.” Caleb said quietly.

“… Now then, I believe it is time I escort you out.”

They left the room and fell into a heavy, smothering silence that did not lift on the way to the front door. Though it felt crushing, Essek had no interest in disturbing it. He would not have known what words to disturb it with. He felt the returned tome heavy in his hands, as if it was trying to drag him down to the floor. He swallowed and as they approached the doors, he knew he was approaching solitude and the freedom to mourn his loss.

“Well. Here we are.” Essek said coldly.

Caleb only gave a simple nod. He reached for the door handle when Essek didn’t do so.

“Caleb.” Essek stopped him. “What was it you wanted to talk about? The conversation you announced on the beach back then?”

Caleb froze. “Ah, that, I… It is not important, anymore.”

Essek gave a slow nod. He didn’t feel like that was entirely true but he didn’t feel like he was allowed to call him out on it.

“What about you?”

“Hm?”

“You never told me what _you_ wanted to discuss.” Caleb glanced at him briefly but averted his eyes again almost immediately. His hand was lingering on the door handle.

Essek eyed it. The incomplete movement of leaving. He contemplated, briefly, to tell him. Just so it would be out there. But how pointless would that be? He would be provoking Caleb’s resentment, nothing else. Muddy the waters more, make things more difficult and awkward. Make their friendship more difficult to mend. “It does not matter anymore, either.”

“Ah.” Caleb acknowledged the response. “That. Er. Okay.”

They both lingered wordlessly for a moment. “Will you…?” Essek gestured to the door handle.

Caleb looked at it. “Ah, ja …” He pushed it down and opened the door. He hesitated for just another few seconds, looking at Essek, before stepping through. “I will, ah, see you around, then.” He said on the doorstep.

‘I hope so.’ Essek didn’t say. “Yes, perhaps.”

Caleb winced and Essek hadn’t expected him to and he didn’t know what it meant. “Gute Nacht, Essek.”

“Goodnight, Caleb.”

And after just another second, Caleb walked away. Essek only watched him for a few steps before closing the door between them. He was afraid that if he waited any longer, he might see Caleb turning back to meet his eyes one final time. And he knew he could not take that.

So, instead, he stood there, a firm grip on the book. The conversation echoing in his head. Suddenly, he was numb. All he felt was that lasting tightness in his chest. But as he headed to the stairs his feelings started to come back to him. His thoughts began to buzz as he ascended. And as he entered his bedroom – more happenstance than choice – he began to feel raw and wrong and hurt and broken. He discarded the heavy, heavy book on his dresser somewhere, feeling its binding burning in his hands.

He then stumbled onto his bed, managing to sink down to sit on the edge of it.

And with that, the realization of what had just happened, what had just ceased to be, crushed into him fully, smothering everything and drowning all other thoughts.

A sob ripped through him and he was somehow taken aback by the noise. Twin streaks of tears ran down his cheeks and he noticed that he had been crying before he had even entered the room. He tried to fight it, but only for a moment as memories clawed at his mind like hateful seething reminders of his failure and his loss. He thought briefly to go seek some distraction but he didn’t know where he would even go. Caleb had left memories in his wake everywhere. He had come into these towers and invaded Essek’s study and laboratory and living room and bedroom.

Had come in like he never would again.

Another sob. Then a pitiful, pathetic noise. More tears. A hard grip on Essek’s arms by his own hands. He leaned forward as the melancholy took over and another painful breath tore through his throat before stuttering out into the room. He already missed him. Not the touch, though he knew that, in time, he would miss that too. But everything else. The gentle words that would never rest between them on soft cushions again. The small smiles and dry humor that would never be reserved just for his ears again. The love that would never be reciprocated, that would have to wither, somehow, a forever dying thing in his chest.

Essek knew he was being a sentimental fool. He was mourning something that hadn’t even been. It had never been emotional or romantic, it hadn’t been a courtship or a relationship. But he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help how torn apart he felt. How abandoned and hurt and broken.

Another sob. A horrible undignified wail. And yet more tears. Everything hurt. There was a powerful, thrumming, breaking pain starting in his chest and reaching into every part of him. He wanted to turn the hurt into something else – fuel, anger, anything. But he couldn’t He was stuck with it. With hollowness, longing and missing.

Caleb had said he wanted to mend the friendship. Had said he wanted to continue as they had done before. But how could Essek ever do that? When every time his eyes found blue irises it nearly stopped his heart? When he would always, _always_ feel those unspoken words weighing him down, hanging between the both of them?

His throat closed up and he gasped for breath only to funnel that air into another wail. It was an alien sound, hearing himself cry so loudly and so fully. What a picture he must have made. The dignified, proud Shadowhand, sitting on the edge of his bed, hunched over and crying like a child. Undone, unraveled and torn apart by one wizard.

Just one man that he himself had invited into his home. That he had given access to something more, something deeper.

It was easy to frame Caleb like that. As one mundane wizard. It made this more trivial, it made Essek more foolish. To see him as a random person who happened to share common ground with him in their craft.

But he wasn’t just that and Essek knew it.

He was smart – brilliant, even. He was an intellectual match that no one else had ever been to him. He was cunning, clever and creative. He was funny, or he could be, in a way that Essek _adored_. And he gave smiles – heart-stopping, world-ending smiles – that were so small but so genuine and honest and true and raw and they could cut through Essek’s oozing lies at an instant. He was made of careful words and a sharp wit. He was hardened by undeserved hardship and stronger for it. He was an adventurer, a brave soul, strange and full of passion and drive boiling just beneath the surface. He burned, a living flame, his fire fueling each rune he drew, each word he spoke, each step he walked.

He was blue eyes to get lost in and copper hair to be mesmerized by and a Zemnian accent to listen to like a divine song.

He wasn’t perfect, but he was striking and stunning and unique. He was a man of a million imperfections. A million ticks and quirks and habits. And a million other things that Essek would never get the chance to uncover.

He was _more._ Every time Essek had met him, he had always been more than before.

He was Essek’s tears and each ounce of his pain.

He was everything that Essek could ever want.

And he would never even know that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> . . .
> 
> That high-energy kick-off note feels a bit... eh now, right?
> 
> In case anyone was wondering, yes it said 23 chapters not 24 chapters last time but while drafting and outlining this final stretch I noticed that three chapters weren't going to cut it. Not that I feel a dire need to apologize for more content to anyone who just finished the 21st chapter of this thing.
> 
> Anyhoot. Thank you for the wonderful comments and kudos! I hope you all have a wonderful week!


	22. One more thing

_“I… have to apologize to you.” Caleb finally spoke up._

_“Oh?” Essek exclaimed, pretending to be disinterested._

_“Ja, we… I did not intend to leave. Like that. Things were urgent and important and I could not leave the group hanging.”_

_Essek glanced about. The streets were relatively empty and no one appeared to be paying attention to them. ”You are free to go wherever you please.” And wasn’t that just a shame._

_He noticed Caleb deflate beside him. “I am…. But I suggested we talk. And then I ruined that.”_

_‘I have no idea what you’re talking about’ an especially touchy part of Essek wanted to say, but he refused to give into that desire to fuel the flames._

_“And today… I requested that favor about the Scourger.” Caleb continued. “A-and that is important. I was very focused on it that moment… As I explained, it… they have some connection to…. Who I used to be, I suppose.” He took a deep breath. “In that… mindset… I shut out all….”_

_“Distractions?” Essek offered._

_“No.” Caleb shook his head. “All… other pursuits.”_

_Pursuits. Interesting choice of words. “Right.” Essek replied, masking his relief over the apology with more indifference. There had been no disinterest, no malice, no intention behind Caleb’s actions. “Is this everything, then?” He asked and it came out significantly sharper than it had sounded in Essek’s head._

_“Ah. No. But the rest…” He paused. “The rest is making good on that request to talk. About… matters.”_

_Oh. So it was about that. “… Good.”_

_With Essek’s mind already reeling, they finally reached his towers. “Is this… your home?” Caleb asked gingerly and with an endearing tone of awe._

_“It is.” Essek confirmed as he led him up to the front door. “I trust you keep this information to yourself.” He said pointedly. “This is the best place to truly talk in private.”_

_“My lips are sealed.” Caleb promised and Essek wished to tell him how they would not be for long if he had anything to say about it, but quickly abandoned that thought. He once again chided himself for the direction his mind took so impulsively._

_He opened the front door for them and allowed Caleb to walk inside first. He then entered himself, shutting the entrance behind them. “Follow me.”_

-

Mercilessly, the next day came.

Essek was staring blankly. At nothing, a spot in the air. He had been for hours. Just lying there, in his bed, staring at the nothingness that was no company. He wasn’t sure whether he had really tranced, or how much; the past few hours were a blur. He had just been… drifting, restlessly. But now his internal clock told him that it was time to get up. He blinked. Oh. He had been staring at the empty half of his bed.

He felt like he was only then returning to his own body and he shifted to roll onto his back. His eyes felt swollen and sensitive. And it felt like the ghosts of tears were dancing over his skin, like the drops had not fully left. He felt physically uncomfortable and noticed that his daywear, sans mantle, was clinging to his form in constricting ways. Right. He hadn’t changed.

It was time to get up. Essek did not want to get up. He didn’t want to do much of anything. He wished he could just stop existing. Not permanently. Just for a little while. He wanted to simply excuse himself from life – only for a few hours.

He could just not get up. It wasn’t as though anyone would notice. Then he could ignore that the world had dreadfully continued to exist. And pretend that it hadn’t. Just for a few hours. He could Send to the Bastion to make sure that no one would summon him to court. He hadn’t been a day sick since he had been graced with his position, surely he had earned one, right?

Then again, had he earned _anything_?

Words came back to him, words he’d rather have forgotten. Words dipped in a Zemnian accent and filled with disappointment and hurt. Right. Staying in bed would give his thoughts more than enough opportunity to delve into _that_.

He sat up. His body ached as though he had aged five centuries overnight.

He noticed his mantle, discarded recklessly on the floor beside the bed. Other than that nothing had changed. It was still the same room it had been for years. Looking it over, Essek felt an odd sensation expanding in his chest and extending into each inch of him. It was strange. Like he wasn’t supposed to be there. Like this day was not supposed to happen. He had been left, in a sense, and he had cried like he had not done in... maybe _ever_ , and had allowed himself to be torn apart and swallowed by some indescribable darkness.

Yet, there he was. On a new day. The clocks were ticking, Exandria was turning and people outside were most likely going about their lives.

Essek wasn’t so narcissistic as to be upset that reality hadn’t taken his emotions into consideration when shaping the day. It was simply unsettling and frustrating that his perception would not comprehend the sheer normalcy of it. That, instead, everything ordinary felt all _wrong._

He drew in a deep, controlled breath. Like he’d been taught so long ago. If he was in distress, he took a deep breath and then he kept going. But it did nothing.

It never did anything.

His chest still felt tight and hollow at the same time. He didn’t expect that to change any time soon. And he expected that, if he dwelled on it for too long, he would find himself right back where he had ended the day before.

So he decided to continue to the ‘keep going’ part and he got up. But it was strangely difficult. Like his bed had created a gravity well and was trying to keep him down.

Yet, he managed to stand. Somehow. And looked down at the disheveled mess he’d made of his clothing. He rubbed his eyes. Still with that feeling of _wrong_ buried deep within, he moved to his closet. He took the first set of clothing in reach and returned to put it on his bed. As he did so, he found his head terribly want for thought and he focused on his schedule and tasks before his mind had a chance to go elsewhere. Each thought was subdued. Like a shadow had been cast over all of it. That was a new sensation, too. Through the haze, a single image made it to the forefront of his mind. The Scourger. In his dungeon. She was an important task. Top of the list, perhaps.

He had yet to deal with her. He wasn’t sure what he had been waiting for to make a decision, whether perhaps he had just been pushing it off indefinitely. But he had to make a choice. And he told himself that he had to make it that day. Before he pushed it away again and she ended up being discovered. Essek sighed.

He looked over the spread of clothing, though he was lacking any opinion on it. He moved over to his dresser to get some additional garments. But he stopped in his tracks. On top of the dresser sat a book. _The_ book. A taunting reminder. It stared and called to him, beckoning, yet repelling him at the same time.

Essek knew how foolish it would have been to reach for it. How stupid it would have been to so much as glance at it. In spite of this, he found himself unable to resist. He just wanted to take a look, just… just to make sure that Caleb had left notes like he had said. Just to know. And, well, if that made him desperate and pathetic, then he found himself very distant from caring. He took the book into his hand.

He swallowed, but gave no second thought a chance. With a trembling hand, he opened the cover. The first page held no printed word aside from the title of the book and the name of its author. But it did contain the first bit of handwriting. It read, in Undercommon, with letters that had dried decades ago:

_‘Annotated by Essek Thelyss’_

Oh, aged arrogance was such a harrowing thing. But what really caught Essek’s eye was the fresher ink right behind it. Added, in familiar handwriting that made Essek’s chest constrict, it said: _‘und Caleb Widogast’_

And immediately, Essek found himself drifting again. His eyes lingered on the line for far too long, looking at each curve of the script. He hadn’t realized how familiar he had become with Caleb’s handwriting until just then. It was neater than usual, a visible effort to make it legible. But it was still clearly his. Essek felt that stinging sensation in his heart, though it fought with a familiar warmth.

He tore himself away from the line and continued to the next one, in Undercommon again, though the ink was newer:

_‘All annotations and the text itself have been reviewed in 836 P.D. The book has then been passed on to a colleague for further consultation and review. – Shadowhand Essek Thelyss’_

Essek found his breath get stuck in his lungs as his eyes found the words just below. In a language he did not speak but recognized it said:

_‘Weitere Anmerkungen wurden von Caleb Widogast, Zauberer der Schule der Transmutation, hinzugefügt. Aus sprachlichen Gründen, unter anderem wegen der Limitationen des Zaubers bekannt als „Comprehend Languages“, wurden diese Anmerkungen auf Zemnisch verfasst. – Caleb Widogast von den Mighty Nein‘_

There were a few words that Essek could recognize with relative to absolute certainty. And a few others that he could assume the meaning of. Whatever was written seemed to be an explanation about the note being in Zemnian. Or something to that end.

Seeing their writing mingle on the page made something horrible-wonderful lurch in Essek’s chest.

It really had been a terrible idea to open the book. Yet, Essek couldn’t bring himself to close it, eyes lingering on the script. They drifted back up to the first line.

_‘Annotated by Essek Thelyss und Caleb Widogast’._

Essek tried to cling to what little resolution he had found to face the day.

‘We could still do good things together.’

He winced.

But… could they?

Essek was still staring at the page. Their writing side by side. It felt so intimate. They had made _that_ together. Most likely, they had filled this whole book with notes together. Individually… but together, nonetheless.

Something crossed Essek’s mind as he stared at the Zemnian script, as he drifted. The Scourger. Perhaps they could do a good thing together there. Because, Essek realized, perhaps that is what he had been wanting but unable to do. Maybe not something good, but something better. But he did not know how, did not know what. And Caleb… his scars, his past, his knowledge, his whole perspective – perhaps he could be the piece that Essek needed to make a decision. Perhaps he could help.

No. Essek shook his head in an attempt to tether his thoughts back to reality. He would be no such thing. Essek had to avoid him… right? To shield his own fragile emotions, to maintain his composure, to do what Caleb wanted. No, he knew that he was lying to himself. Caleb _didn’t_ want that. Had explicitly said so. And how could Essek ever realistically avoid him? He was part of the Mighty Nein, had a home in Rosohna… and if Essek was honest with himself, even if it hurt he would want the hurt much more than the hollowness of having to miss him. Even if it was just a professional- no, they were trying to be friends- but what about teaching- Essek didn’t even know what they were. What Caleb was to him.

Guest, student, friend, research partner, ex-lover, match – what a mess. What a Luxon-forsaken mess he had made of things.

Essek closed the book. He hung his head and closed his eyes. No matter. He would have to deal with it somehow and hope that, eventually, Caleb and him could return to the way they had been before. Hope that, in time, his heart would finally give up. He would be there when the Nein called, would come if they asked him over. What else was he to do, after all?

He opened his eyes with a sigh. Just another obstacle. A very… very unfortunate one.

He lifted the book to put it back on the dresser, but stopped. That location would only remind him of everything again the following morning. Regretful over having paid it any mind in the first place, Essek left his bedroom with it. As he made his way to his study, he noticed that the floor under his feet felt oddly… distant. Like there was something not quite real about it. And he noticed it in the other things he took in, too. Every bit of light he saw, whatever small noises he heard ripple into his home from the outside – all of it was muffled. Not quite there.

He pushed on, trying to ignore the strangeness of it all, for he had no other choice. As he reached the study, he was met with another moment of hesitation. He looked at the desk, then the shelf where the sibling of the book in his hands resided. He didn’t know why, but he could not decide where to put the tome. It was a trivial choice, it was going to be readily accessible to him, either way. But somehow it felt… weighty. Important. His gaze landed on the spot where, weeks before, Caleb had sat. In a state of mind that Essek probably could not begin to empathize with if he tried.

He looked at the book in his hands once more. It had been a source of comfort, then. A tether.

It beckoned and he gave in once more. A tangible thing of a painful memory. He placed it on the desk, open, and began to flip idly through the pages. He made no effort to justify or rationalize it. He knew he was acting out of pure sentimentality. The inexplicable need to see the Zemnian script.

Sure enough, in the margins he found his own dual-annotations completed by a third set in a different language. Tears stung at the corners of his eyes. He was about to close the book again to keep himself from having a repeat of the previous night when something stood out to him. In a note of Caleb’s he saw his name and a question mark. It was a response, most likely, to a new note of Essek’s. Essek had indicated a part of the text and written in the margins:

_‘This is a core concept to grasp when trying to understand how Dunamancy can alter the physical world. Many advanced Dunamantic concepts rely on this, so any beginner would do well to know this by heart.’_

And just below it, Caleb had written:

 _‘Dieses Konzept erinnert an eines der Grundprinzipien der Transmutation – bezüglich der Manipulation einer physischen Struktur._ _Gibt es Ähnlichkeiten? Ich sehe hier Diskussionsbedarf, Herr Thelyss.‘_

Essek tried to piece together the meaning with the few words he knew or could estimate the meaning of. He could definitely recognize his own name and the question mark, which gave him pause. Had Caleb used the margins to pose a direct question? Why had he made mention of him?

Curiosity got the better of him. Essek knew he was doing himself no favors by continuing to pursue this, but he could not abandon the book without knowing what this was about. So he cast the spell to grant him understanding and suddenly the annotation made sense.

_‘This concept is reminiscent of one of the basic principles of Transmutation – related to the manipulation of a physical structure. Are there similarities? I see a need for discussion here, Mr. Thelyss.’_

Essek swallowed hard. The use of the spell was always a little odd, but there was something so special about this particular instance. Because, of all the languages, he could read _Zemnian_. He could read _Caleb’s language._ More than that, however, he found a request. To discuss, to talk again. To continue on. Together.

To not let this connection wither away.

Spurred on by emotion, Essek flipped through the pages and found that the book was filled with similar annotations throughout. Not all of them, but several had questions and requests for further exchange. A handful addressed Essek directly like this. An image came to Essek’s mind. The thought of Caleb by a campfire or on that ship or tucked away in the safe walls of a spell and writing these notes while thinking about Essek, thinking about future exchanges and discussions.

Essek felt a breath get stuck in his throat.

And he was reminded of the night before. But not the ending of their agreement, not the admissions of hurt and betrayal. But the way Caleb had said he wanted to be a friend to Essek. How he did not want to be a stranger. How he wanted to _see_ Essek do better.

Only last night, Essek hadn’t noticed how genuine those words had sounded.

_‘Essek Thelyss und Caleb Widogast’_

Essek closed the book very gently as he thought, as he continued to drift. They could do things together. They could. But Essek did not want to encroach, did not want to invade, did not want to overstep. Not when Caleb had asked for the opposite. And yet… when had this hesitation done him any good?

Essek hadn’t told Caleb about his deeds – not willingly. He had been too scared of the consequences. He hadn’t told Caleb how he truly felt – not at all. He had been too afraid of the uncertainty. The unpredictability. The possible outcomes that he could not have controlled. And what that had done was push Caleb further and further away until he had become a distant speck on the horizon. Was Essek going to let that speck vanish, too?

Essek had never reached out. Not after their arrangement had been set in place. And he had never reached out to the Nein as a group. Caleb came to _him,_ the Nein invited _him,_ they Sent to _him._ _Caleb_ had been the one to initiate the discussion the day before – though Essek had known him to be in Rosohna. _Caleb_ had approached him on deck of the ship and had Messaged him on the beach. Caleb had been the one to extend his hand. Almost every time.

Because for Essek, not being able to find certainty about an outcome had been a deterrent. Not being able to calculate all the possibilities had been enough to keep him from trying. He had just been too _scared._

And now he was there again. He wanted help, he needed help. He wanted to ask Caleb for it. He wanted to involve him. To make a better choice than he could on his own. Because he had forgotten, long ago, how to make choices that were _right._ But he could be overstepping. Easily. He could be causing him pain and grief, could make Caleb resent him for the request, for the openness – he simply didn’t know.

But if he did nothing, what then? How would that show to Caleb that he did care? That he did not want to cut ties, either? Was he expecting Caleb to just come back to him? After everything? While Essek remained idle and did nothing?

Doing nothing had led him there. He had lost his lover. And every potential for more.

But was he going to let himself lose the rest of Caleb, too?

-

The moment Essek set foot outside of his towers, he regretted it.

He felt uncertain, uneasy. Worried that he was making a grave mistake. That he was on his way to make things worse. That feeling of weird had begun to fade once he had gotten dressed and ready to leave, which had taken much longer than usual. But the feeling hadn’t vanished. It was still there, only a little less prominent. It made Essek feel unprepared to seek out the Nein. It made him feel not _nearly_ ready to see Caleb again.

But if he waited, the Nein might leave again. And if he waited, he would be doing exactly what he had done before. Wait to be ready, to be prepared. Wait for something that would never come. Predictability.

They hadn’t broken up. It was a reminder that sounded in Essek’s mind every other minute. Caleb had not broken up with him, because they had not been in a relationship. Only Essek’s state of mind was this messy and screwed up. And Caleb knew nothing about it. From his perspective, he had put an end to a series of secret trysts. He had been betrayed by a friend and consequentially ended what had exceeded friendship. And now he was looking to have that friend mend what had been broken. That was it. Messy, but no comparison to the absolute chaos in Essek’s mind.

By the time the Xhorhaus came into view – the structure itself, not the tree that was visible neighborhoods away – Essek still wished that the Nein were not home and had instead already left without another word. But the light he saw from one of the windows indicated otherwise. So, with turmoil and conflict in his chest, no plans or contingencies to save him and not even a feeling of preparation to give him comfort, he approached.

He allowed himself a moment at the front door, to try and swallow the anxiety and panic that was beginning to rise up his throat. He fought off the panic, but the anxiety remained. He knew he had to go with it. He knew there would never be a moment when it would be different. He raised his hand to knock.

And before his knuckles could connect with the door, it opened.

A beat of silence and Essek’s eyes went wide.

“Oh my gosh, Essek!” Jester stared at him in shock before it turned into a joyful smile. “We didn’t know you were coming over! Did you know we were home? Have you been spying on us?” She made a fake scandalized expression, but before Essek could get a word in, she continued. “We totally would have come by and said ‘hi’ earlier but we were just so pooped yesterday, you know, and I did not have any Sendings left and _someone_ said it would be rude to come by unannounced, so we didn’t, but I definitely would have asked you today. Like, after the shopping trip, I definitely would have asked!”

Jester’s fast-paced rambling tore Essek out of the stupor he’d been in within ten words. As she rambled, he noticed the small gathering behind her – Veth, Beau and Yasha – who, like Jester, were all turned toward the door and in their usual day attires, as if ready to leave. “It is fine, Jester.” Essek assured. “Do not worry about that. You are under no obligation to pay me visits.” He noticed some suspicion radiating from behind Jester, so he decided to focus on her, instead. Not right then. Not that day.

“No, no, no, we know!” Jester insisted. “It was no _obligation,_ no one said we were _forced_ to, we _wanted_ to visit, I promise!” She glanced over her shoulder at the others. “We were about to- but we can totally wait, come in, come in!” She opened the door further and Essek immediately sensed that her enthusiastic decision was not shared by all of the group.

“Ah, thank you. But you do not have to stay for my sake.” Essek tried to appear as calm and collected as he always did. But with everything that had happened with this group and everything they knew he felt every little uncharacteristic motion he made and every strange tone his voice hit. “I was very much looking forward to seeing all of you again, but for just now I was hoping to borrow Caleb, specifically.” He hoped that at the very least they could not tell how the mention made his insides churn.

The instant the name was uttered, Jester’s expression went from joyful to.. _something else._ It was weirdly… _knowing_ and definitely very suggestive. “You want to ‘borrow’ Caleb?” Behind her, Veth and Beau exchanged a quick glance and it sent a terrifying shiver down Essek’s spine.

“Yes. I require his opinion on something work-related.” He paused. He gave the group an honest concerned look. “I know that there is… a lot to be done to mend… this. But, like I said, we can still do good things together. And for now I could use Caleb’s thoughts on something.” He averted his gaze. “Is he here?”

Immediately, Jester whipped around to shout “Caaaaaleb! Essek is here and he wants some aloooone time with you!” She half-sang, half-screamed into the interior of the home.

Essek wanted to disappear. He tried to ignore how unsettled and uncomfortable Caleb must have been with being called to like that, considering everything that had happened. No reply sounded through the house. “Perhaps, he is busy, I can-“

“I’ll check if he’s up.” Yasha cut in, quietly, before turning and vanishing through a doorway.

“Guess you might as well wait inside, huh?” Jester opened the door further with a triumphant grin.

“Might as well.” Essek sighed and entered. As he got in further, he saw no other member of the Mighty Nein. He thought about asking whether Fjord and Caduceus were home but he decided against it, worried that he might have seemed like he was prying or investigating them.

“Something work-related.” Beau finally spoke up and Essek had been able to tell that it had only been a matter of time. She threw his words back at him, dripping with suspicion. It was not hostility, per se, but wariness. Which Essek could not blame her for.

“Of sorts, yes.” Essek did not want to lie to them. But he also didn’t want to risk giving too much away. Not yet.

“And no one in town can help you with that. Only Caleb.” It wasn’t much of a question. Veth and Jester watched the exchange.

“His specific expertise and knowledge is what I require.” Essek explained.

“Are you planning on bringing him somewhere?” Veth joined in. “To some… secondary location?”

“If he wants to come, then yes. If not, then no. I promise that I have no ill intentions with him. I’m sure that you’re aware that, even if you do not trust me, you hold too much power for me to provoke any of you.” Essek hoped that, if he could not strike the chord of kinship with them, he might land on reasoning.

“You’re crafty.” Veth assessed. “Lebby is a powerful wizard and I know he could definitely take you, but if you do _anything_ of him-“

“I have vivid images of the consequences in my head.” Essek cut her off before the, no doubt colorful, threat could be finished.

“I will be counting his hairs.” Veth added.

“What?”

“Getting back to that work-related thing.” Beau seemed to be reaching for something more substantial. “Is it wizard shit or political or…? If it’s Empire-related, Caleb’s not the only one who could-“

Yasha returned. “He’ll be out in a moment.”

“Is he busy?” Essek asked, clinging to the distraction from Beau’s line of questioning. “I can come back later. It is no problem.”

“Well, he said he’d come out.” Yasha shrugged. “The door was locked and it took him a few moments to answer.”

Veth whipped around. “But he’s okay?”

Yasha nodded. “He said he was.”

“I told him not to lock his door unless it was necessary!” Veth grumbled.

Essek stared as the conversation dissolved into rambling about locked-door-policies in the Xhorhaus, which Jester quickly jumped into. He pretended to be _very_ invested to perhaps keep Beau, who was drilling holes into his side with her eyes, from asking anything further.

Finally, and not a moment too soon, Caleb stepped into the room.

Essek was immediately hit with the blooming feeling of love and the withered hollowness of heartache. Worry colored all of it as he noticed the circles under Caleb’s eyes to be a shade darker than usual and his exhaustion seemed to be weighing him down even more than most days. He looked like Essek felt. And Essek felt even worse, then, for making him drag himself out of his room.

“Hallo.” He greeted as he approached. His eyes darted over to his companions very briefly and Essek couldn’t tell whether he was assessing the situation, asking them to leave or begging them to stay as backup. He turned back to Essek. “You wanted to speak?” He halted at a respectable distance.

“Hello. Yes. It is, er-“ Essek felt four pairs of eyes burning him from the side as the girls were apparently very intent on watching the entire thing. “I came to ask a favor. I realize that- er, that the situation is a bit-“ He was struggling with words. Between the mess of feelings, the seriousness of the request and the _audience_ it was difficult for him to say what he wanted to.

Caleb, in spite of his visible tiredness, seemed to pick up on this. “Weren’t you going on an, ah, errand?” Caleb turned to Jester.

“We were going to go shopping!” Jester chimed. Epiphany flashed through her eyes and she turned to Essek and whatever it was, Essek knew he was not ready. “You should totally come along! If you want to. You probably know all the best shops for like clothing and stuff! After you’re… done _borrowing Caleb,_ of course.”

“I could, er, make time for that. But not today.” The invitation was so charming that it was difficult to flat out refuse, so Essek opted for a raincheck. “But sometime. I promise.”

“Jester, you know the later you go the more things will be sold out.” Caleb pointed out.

Jester was still beaming from Essek’s promise. “Okay, okay! Then we’ll leave you two toootally alone and by yourselves here. And we probably won’t be back for hours so you have the house all to yourselves for a really long time. You know, Essek, you haven’t, like, _really_ been in the hot tub, yet, so-“

“Jester.” Caleb repeated, his tone pleading.

“Let’s not get into that.” Beau said with a wince. Merciful, wonderful Beau. Essek noticed her shooting Caleb a look that Essek could only interpret as a warning.

Caleb did not return anything in kind.

The group began to leave with a chorus of goodbyes and, as they did, Veth looked at Essek with eyes that promised a million more threats than words could have ever formed. And then they moved, moved, moved and finally the front door shut behind them.

There was a palpable moment of silence as Essek and Caleb stood in the room, now alone.

“Apologies for… all of that.” Caleb muttered.

“No need.” Essek replied. He was averting his eyes, but could tell from his peripheral that Caleb was doing the same. By the gods, he should not have come. This was already going so poorly. He had no idea what to say. He couldn’t control- no, it was fine.

“I must admit that I am surprised by this visit.” Caleb said. Then he tensed. “Not that- I did not mean that as an insult.” He was clearly uncertain of how to handle the situation himself. He seemed to be struggling with the strangeness of it all, too.

“I took no offense.” Essek assured. It gave him some measure of comfort that he was not the only one having difficulty.

“I simply meant- Yesterday you didn’t seem like…” Caleb didn’t finish the sentence. “I, er, assume you’re not here to discuss the annotations?”

“No, I have not really had the time for them, yet. But I, er, will definitely read them.” Essek insisted, he shifted and gripped one hand with his other underneath his mantle. “But, like I said, I have a favor to ask you. And I do realize that I do not really- That I am perhaps not in a position to ask anything of you. I _know_ that I am not. And I will harbor no resentment or grudge if you don’t want to help me.”

“What is the favor?”

Essek glanced around. “Are we…?”

“Fjord and Caduceus are out, as well. Ah, and we gave Vedalla a day off, so she is not here, either.” Caleb explained.

“Very well, then. Let me cast one spell, do not be alarmed.” Essek raised his hands, drew a few runes into the air and felt the weak thrum of magic extend from him in all directions. No Scrying sensors or hidden persons. He gave an approving nod and lowered his hands. “Alright, we should be truly… alone.” He winced a little at his own phrasing. Foolish.

“With the precautions, I assume that… whatever you tell me now is to stay between us?” Caleb asked, his voice sounded a little frail.

“I… I would appreciate if it could. At least for now. You could possibly tell your allies but I, ah, let me explain the situation.” Essek requested and Caleb gave a nod. He inhaled deeply, trying to calm his anxious nerves and his pounding heart. He looked at Caleb, who was still focused on something nonexistent. “Right. This might… If this makes you uneasy, tell me so and I will leave you at once and you will not have to deal with any of this.”

Caleb finally looked at him then and his cheeks were tinted red. He appeared alarmed.

“It’s about work.” Essek quickly added, looking away once more, and Caleb averted his eyes immediately as if embarrassed. “Sort of, at least… Right. So. One of my operatives has captured a Scourger. She is being held in the Dungeon of Penance.”

Caleb froze. Essek risked another glance to see that he had gone pale at an instant. “What?” He choked out, then he swallowed, but his voice remained frail and dry. “When did this happen?”

“She was apprehended just before the peace negotiations. Though I have known about her presence in Rosohna for longer.”

“What about the ceasefire?” Caleb asked, visibly more panicked.

“She was here during. But I know that she was not here to relay Dynasty secrets to the Empire. Not… precisely.” Essek explained, focusing on the facts he had to get across to keep from rambling. “But that does not matter. As soon as someone finds out about her, the peace…” Essek let his voice trail off. For a moment neither of them said anything.

“You said ‘she’. Who is-“ Caleb swallowed once more. “What does she look like?” He began to trail his fingertips over his forearm.

Essek decided to ignore the strangeness of the question, well-aware that Caleb had his ties and was all but entitled to the information. “Er, young. Very young, I believe. Very short, black hair, relatively harsh features, light brown eyes.” Essek grasped at something else to describe her. “A very faint thin scar on her neck. Tattoos on at least one of her arms.”

Caleb winced at that last descriptor, but overall a bit of the tension seemed to leave his body. “Okay, das ist- That’s… okay.” He took a few breaths that seemed to steady him and his hands dropped to his sides for a moment before he began to fidget with the hems of his sleeves, instead.

Essek felt his stomach clench. His face pinched with concern, worry and regret overcame him at seeing how Caleb had gone from tired to anxious in mere seconds. “I should not have brought this up. I apologize. I- I can leave and you won’t hear of it again. Consider it dealt with.”

“Nein, please. Stay.” Caleb asked and the request tugged at Essek’s heart and he could not have resisted if he had wanted to. “You came for a favor. What do you need?”

Essek looked at the ground in front of him. Shame and vulnerability crept into his broken chest. “I… I do not know what to do with her.”

“What?”

“I… I think I might have to explain the situation.” Essek sighed. “If you care to hear that story.”

“Ja, of course.” Caleb paused. “Come.” And he turned to lead Essek. Initially, he faced the direction of the study. But then he paused. Tensed. And turned to, instead, lead him to the dining room. Essek understood.

They entered and Caleb offered a seat with a hand motion, which Essek accepted. Then he claimed a space on a different chair, appearing terribly torn over whether to sit directly beside Essek or not. He opted for the opposite side of the table and Essek tried his best not to be hurt by the choice.

“Please, go ahead.” Caleb gestured toward him. “I will listen.”

“Right.” Essek shifted uncomfortably. “Well, this Scourger has spoken to me several times before. In the guise of a low-tier Rosohna politician. A Den representative. At the time, I had a real matter to look over that involved that representative. A property dispute, for lack of a better term.”

Caleb’s eyebrows raised slightly.

“Yes, it is not one of my usual responsibilities, but occasionally I have to tend to these things, too. I am rather certain that I have spoken to the real representative. Twice, I think. After that, I believe I had a handful of conversations with the impostor. I learned later that the real representative had fallen ill and kept it under wraps to shield her image, so she was out of commission during these interactions.” Essek stared at a spot on the table. He felt the weight of his failure sitting heavy on his shoulders. “I… failed to notice that she was not who she claimed to be for a very long time.”

Caleb nodded along, though he was not looking at Essek, either.

“And due to the nature of those interactions, the timing, and some matters of information distribution, I am sure that… _certain people_ have sent her to keep me in check. She will not talk and has no interest in a deal or anything else to accept information, but I assume she has been tracking my movements, so…”

“Scheiße.” Caleb cursed.

“Yes.” Essek agreed wholeheartedly with the sentiment. “She is in the Dungeon, but I have no hopes of learning any information of her.”

Caleb glanced up. “I believe that is a realistic expectation… Has the Bright Queen been made aware of this prisoner?”

“No. She does not know. No one knows except for the operative who detained her, one or two Dungeon guards, myself… and now you.” Essek’s eyes flickered up briefly but quickly found something else to linger on again. “I would have told the rest of your group. But I… I knew of your… I wanted to keep this quiet first. Since she might know- I will not stop you from sharing this information, though.”

Caleb regarded him for a moment before averting his gaze again, as well. “I understand the hesitation. They should probably know. But, ah, that depends on the favor you wanted to ask.”

“Right. So, I have talked to her. And there will be no knowledge to gain from her, I’m sure, which means that she no longer… that she is merely a loose end.” Essek hoped that Caleb understood the implication. “And I have found myself…” He hesitated. “Unable to dispose of this particular loose end.”

“How so?”

Essek’s eyes narrowed at the wooden surface. “I couldn’t tell you. She is quite young. And with recent… developments and…” He grimaced. “And with what I know about you, I could not… I couldn’t bring myself to end her life. I know that taking her out would be safe. But I-“ He closed his eyes. “I know it doesn’t make sense, but I…” Words failed to describe the conflicted feeling he had experienced when faced with the option of ending her. “I cannot do it.”

“What… what are you asking of me, Essek?”

Essek’s eyes shot open to look at Caleb. “I’m not asking you to kill her.” He quickly explained, worried about what he might have unintentionally implied. “Nothing like that. I was merely hoping that with your … knowledge… about her kind, among other things, that you could help me figure out what I _should_ do with her.”

Surprise formed on Caleb’s face. Essek looked away again.

“Perhaps, I just wanted to confide in someone.” He added. “I don’t… I cannot be sure. I apologize. I realize I am dragging you into this mess. But I recalled your interest in the last Scourger, and, er, you have volunteered some information to me that, er, could be relevant, so I came here and.” He sighed and propped his head up with his hands, elbows on the table between them. “I am being foolish. This is foolish, I should not have-“

“Could I speak to her?” Caleb asked and Essek noticed him gripping at one of his forearms without paying the motion any mind. “Would that be possible?”

Essek paused, he looked up. “Yes. Of course. I can take you to speak to her.”

Caleb nodded. “Then I can… try. I cannot promise that I have a solution. I’m not- But I can try. I want to try.”

Essek exhaled a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. He relaxed a little. Though the pain in his chest still thrummed at Caleb’s presence, somehow talking to him, no matter how awkward, was still a comfort. It was still that, much more than a curse or a detriment.

The thing that had happened between them was in the room, unaddressed, yet present. But they talked in spite of it. Around it. Essek wondered whether that, at least, he would get to keep. That ease of talking to Caleb. The flow, the push and pull of the conversation that had been there since the first question Caleb had ever asked him. Since he had asked about Rosohna’s sky. He sat up a little straighter, pushing away the thoughts. “Could you spare some time for this endeavor, then?”

“Right now?” Caleb inquired.

“Well, yes, if that is okay. I would rather not wait much longer. But I will not force this on you. If you have other plans-“

“Nein, I am free.” Caleb cut him off. He got up and Essek followed suit. “I will get my coat and then we can leave.” He turned to go to his room.

“Caleb.” Essek called out.

He froze.

“… Thank you.”

Caleb looked at him. After a moment he gave a weak and weary smile. “You’re welcome.”

-

The walk to the Dungeon itself was quiet. Essek wasn’t sure what to say as they could not speak further about the Scourger. Not out in the open.

So he was left to his thoughts and to trying to ignore how _good_ it felt to have Caleb walk beside him like that. He was glad he had gone to the Xhorhaus. So far. Caleb had talked to him and accepted to try to help. Essek knew that he was presenting a huge vulnerable spot to Caleb for this. His inability to make a decision, his inability to follow through on part of his job. It was something he usually would have kept covered with all his resources. But Caleb hadn’t even prodded at it. He had accepted it and gone with it. And now they were on their way to, perhaps, deal with it together. Essek didn’t want this hopeful feeling in his chest. He knew better than to trust it. But it was there, nonetheless. Small, faint, but through everything else, noticeably there.

They entered the Dungeon and Essek summoned the field that warded him from the Dungeon’s effects, extending it to include Caleb. He recalled the last time they had been there together, accompanied by the group.

“I assume you have learned nothing about her aside from what you have told me?” Caleb asked, breaking the long lasting silence. Essek could tell that he was tense. Nervous. But determined.

“Aside from that she is predictably hateful of Kryn and rather spiteful, not really.” Essek explained. “She seemed… somewhat volatile. She seemed very intent on remaining quiet until she became too annoyed to.”

“Interesting… But you are certain that she has been sent with you as the primary focus of her mission.” Caleb assessed. “Is there anything else that we, ah, _you_ need to know from her?”

“Not really. I am rather certain about who sent her and her task, though perhaps a bit unsure of the details. And I am going to operate under the assumption that she has relayed everything she has learned. It may be beneficial to know whether she is aware of…” Essek cleared his throat pointedly. “Everything… But I am going to assume that she is. Regardless, actually learning anything from her is…”

“Highly improbably?” Caleb offered.

“Exactly.” Essek nodded.

They reached her cell.

“This is it. I will come inside with you.” Essek assured.

“Would it be okay if I attempted to speak to her in Zemnian?” Caleb asked. “It, ah, sometimes the words come more easily…”

“Of course. Let me just make sure that I understand you this time.” Essek waited for Caleb to interject, which he did not, before casting his spell. He was grateful that he had picked up the habit of preparing it on a daily basis. “Right then. Are you ready?”

Caleb drew in a deep breath. “Ja. I am ready.”

Essek gave him a nod before gesturing to a guard to open the door for them. The lock was opened, the dead bolt removed and Essek approached with Caleb in tow. The two of them entered the cell, where the Scourger was seated in the middle, shackled several times over from all limbs. The door shut behind them and the Scourger looked up.

Essek remained by the door, hands ready to cast if he needed to. He gave Caleb space and time to do what he wanted to do.

Caleb took a moment to look at her. Essek could see the tension in his body as he brought himself to approach a few steps. He seemed to consider his words for another moment and the Scourger just smirked. “Who would have thought that I get to be interrogated by two traitors instead of just one?”

“Then you know who I am?” Caleb asked in Zemnian. Essek felt his heart skip a beat at hearing and _understanding_ him speak his native tongue for the first time.

The Scourger gave him a grin that seemed a little too wide for her face. She replied in Zemnian. “I know a lot more than who you are, Bren.” …. _Bren?_ “They say that you somehow got back your mind after being locked up. A questionable thing, considering the company you keep.” Her eyes flickered over to Essek before focusing back on Caleb.

“They say many things, those who have sent you.” Caleb replied. “Most of it lies. If half of what they told you about the Kryn was true, how could I be standing here, alive?”

“I suppose even the cricks can recognize an exploitable informant when they see one.” She all but spit, the grin fading.

“But that is not what they told you when they called Xhorhas ‘beyond the borders of the civilized world’, is it?” Caleb pressed. “I know the stories they told you. I know them by heart. I’ve had them repeated over and over to me, too. But they are false. They are wrong.”

“You really have lost your mind if you think that words by a traitor will lead me astray.” The Scourger faked astonishment. Essek felt his insides recoil at the statement.

“Astray from what? A life of murder?”

“A life of protecting my people.” The Scourger bit. “Something that _you_ have abandoned. That you _betrayed_.”

“And what have you done to protect? And how much more have you done to destroy?” Caleb asked. “You believe that you are _protecting_ because you are being told it’s so. And you have committed atrocities for that cause, no doubt. But have you ever questioned whether the people they brought to you were guilty? Have you ever _questioned_ what you know?” Caleb was growing angry and Essek started to worry more about him. “Because all you _know_ comes from _them._ ”

The Scourger stared at him for a moment.

“All you know comes from _him.”_ Caleb emphasized.

“Him?” She asked.

Caleb startled by the question.

The Scourger smirked. “You’ve been gone too long, it seems, Bren.”

“… What do you mean?” Caleb faltered.

“You think that _he_ is the only one.”

“Then… who trained you?” Caleb narrowed his eyes. “Who else beside him?”

“I thought you, of all people, would have been able to tell.” Her smirk grew. “It could have been you instead of _her_.”

Caleb froze at that and for a few moments he seemed to be searching for words. “… Astrid…” Was all he managed to choke out.

The Scourger said nothing, but the self-satisfied expression on her face spoke volumes.

Caleb tensed, Essek noticed him start to tremble as he took a few steps back. That seemed to be the right time to leave. “Well, I believe we are done here.” He said in Common. He approached the door to give a specific knock to signal the guards. He looked to Caleb, who was still staring at the Scourger. “Let us go.”

Caleb gave a singular nod and started to withdraw. Essek waited beside the door to let Caleb step through first, not wanting to leave him alone with the Scourger for even a second. Caleb approached the exit. But before he left he paused. Essek could see him fighting with himself. He turned to the Scourger. “Think about why you’ve done what you’ve done… why you _really_ did it. Think… think about how you concluded… your training.”

Essek narrowed his eyes, he glanced at the Scourger. The smirk disappeared from her face and for a moment she appeared as though someone had punched her in the gut. But then that was replaced with an expression of seething anger, directed at Caleb. Without another word, Caleb stepped through the doorway and Essek followed. He gestured for the guards to close the door and then walked with Caleb in a hurried pace until they turned a corner. Out of sight, Caleb immediately collapsed into the wall, irregular breaths tearing at his lungs.

“Oh gods, Caleb-” Essek exclaimed, rushing closer to his side but not touching him. “Are you-“

“I’m fine-“ Caleb gasped out. “I- I will be fine, I- can I have a moment?”

“Of course, yes, whatever you need.” Essek wanted to touch him but he remembered the last time and kept his hands to himself. “Can I do anything?”

“No, no it’s fine, it’s… I just need a moment to… .” Caleb leaned against the wall and he stared blankly at the opposing one. “Can you- Could you just stay right there?”

Essek wished that this didn’t make his heart jump. It was a desperate request by a friend who needed help. Not something to fuel his affections. “Yes, of course. I am not going anywhere.”

Caleb nodded.

They remained and within minutes Caleb’s breathing began to quiet down and even out again. Essek just stayed by his side, occasionally looking around the corners to make sure no one was approaching them. He decided not to look at Caleb, not wanting to add pressure by staring like he was just waiting for him to get better. Even though that was sort of what he was doing.

“Okay… I… can we leave?”

“Yes. Let us go.” Essek agreed and led him back through the winding hallways of the Dungeon of Penance. He moved with relative speed, wanting to put as much space between Caleb and that Scourger as possible. The escape was wordless and swift. Soon they were back in the Firmaments, in a relatively deserted corner of them, breathing fresh air. Essek glanced at Caleb at his side, his gut clenching with guilt and misery. “I am sorry. I should not have asked this of you, I should have known that-“

“You didn’t.” Caleb reminded, his voice still sounding worn. But he was breathing normally, his movements were natural if sluggish. “You asked for my assistance, ja? _I_ asked to speak with her.” His gaze drifted back in the general direction of the Dungeon before it snapped to attention. He looked at Essek. Then away.

“Still… I ...”

“You did not force it on me, Essek.” Caleb pointed out. “I made this choice myself.”

“Very well….” Essek shifted uncomfortably. “Do you wish to return to the Xhorhaus by yourself or...”

“I have not provided my opinion on this situation, yet.” Caleb pointed out and Essek caught the glance directed at him before it disappeared after less than a second.

“Right, yes. But I … I would not want to make you do so right now.”

“It is fine, Essek. Come, we can go to the Xhorhaus in case anyone returns and worries about my absence. I would hate for them to think that you have…” Caleb made a vague gesture. “I don’t even know.”

“If you are sure.” 

“I am sure, ja.”

-

The Xhorhaus was still empty when they returned.

Caleb took the lead as soon as they set foot inside, bringing Essek further into the interior. There was a brief moment of consideration when met with the decision of where to go and Caleb decided on going back into the study. Essek did not know what to make of the change but he knew better than to draw attention to it. He simply accepted it. This was already much further than he had expected to get that day. He hadn’t been sent away, hadn’t been cast aside.

They sat down at the table, a couple of feet apart. Caleb put his coat over the back of his chair. He produced a piece of amber from his component pouch and began fumbling with it, seemingly in thought. Essek ensured once more that they were alone with a spell. Another moment of silence passed, then Essek took the initiative.

“So… what is your assessment of the situation? Of her?” Essek asked, filled with a mixture of anticipation and dread. A familiar combination.

“You were correct, she is quite young.” Caleb nodded. “She … appeared volatile. Different from the, ah, last one.”

“How old would you estimate her?” Essek inquired, not yet sure whether it mattered or not.

Caleb inclined his head. “Perhaps 18 or 19 years old. Maybe 20.” He shook his head. “She must have concluded her training not long ago…”

“… You… you mentioned that to her. The conclusion...” Essek pointed out.

Caleb froze, he immediately stopped fumbling with his piece of amber. “… Ja. I did…“

“You don’t have to… explain. But, er, would it change anything? It being more recent for her?” Essek asked.

“I don’t know.” Caleb admitted. “I will also tell you that I do not know whether she _did_ anything specific to finish her training … But she faltered… paused… did you notice?”

“I did.”

“Something to keep in mind…” Caleb muttered. Then he shook his head. “But, er, again, I do not know what it was like for her…” He paused. “I… you know- You _must_ know at this point… that I was… once going to be one of them. To be like her.”

Essek gave a wordless nod.

Caleb pressed his lips together. He fumbled with his amber again. He wasn’t meeting Essek’s eyes. “That is why I… would know. But it has been indicated to me by the Martinet that the program has since… changed. He did not say how. And I am not sure whether I trust his claim.”

“You… spoke to him about that?” Essek asked, his breath catching in his throat, pain expanding in his chest. “He knows that you-“

“He is quite aware, yes.”

The Martinet was aware. The Martinet, one of Essek’s co-conspirators, had known about Caleb. Had likely known about Caleb’s existence long before Essek had. He knew- He- And all that time- “I did not know he was… involved in that.”

“He is not. I don’t think…” Caleb made a pained face. “But he is a knowing bystander. And has been one for a while.”

“I… I see..” Essek swallowed. He looked to the ground. He felt Caleb’s eyes on him. Just for a brief moment. He had known. He had known that he had been involved with the people somehow related to what happened to Caleb. But he had not known that he was _that_ close.

A moment of heavy silence passed. “… But as for the Scourger in your prison. What would you consider your, ah, options?”

“Well…” Essek grimaced. “Either I… put an end to her. Or I let her go. There is… not really anything else.”

Caleb nodded. “That is what I thought, too.” He shifted. “I understand why you are hesitant about the former option.”

“You do?”

“Ja.” Caleb gave a nod. “Considering… everything. I think I do. This woman… she is the victim of a broken, vile system. All of them are. But… there is a point where she became a culprit. There is always a point, though I think it’s not sharply defined. Her choices are hers. Poisoned by propaganda or not.” Caleb drew in a breath. “And I do not think that you or I are capable of judging her. She is a person who has done undoubtedly evil deeds. Whatever crimes you know of her committing here, I promise you she has done much worse before. But if I were to counsel you to kill her based on that…”

Essek gave a solemn nod.

“There is something else…” Caleb said. “She seemed… emotional and spiteful. Full of conviction like all of them. But she faltered. She paused. That might be something… might be nothing…”

“Right, I recall.” Essek agreed.

“I… I would like you to know something. If I am to help you with this choice, I feel I must tell you.” Caleb pointed out.

“What is it?”

“She… heavily implied that she was trained by someone I know… or someone I knew… once… a long time ago.” Caleb’s voice became less steady by the word. “And not my old mentor. And that may be … coloring my perception of her and of this situation. It might make me biased. Though, ah, which way, I do not know.”

“I understand.” Essek said simply. That must have been who this ‘Astrid’ was. Essek decided against prying or asking for further clarification. He had lost all rights to ask anything. And even if he had not, Caleb seemed uncomfortable enough as it was. “I cannot claim that I am unbiased, either… Not with the numerous interactions I’ve had with her, believing she was someone else.”

“May I ask when those interactions started…?”

“If I am correct then…” Essek shifted uncomfortably. He felt his throat close up. “The… day you came to visit… and I, er, did not open the door. While you were out there we were having a conversation.”

Caleb’s head snapped up and Essek couldn’t help but look at him as he saw the movement from the corner of his eye. “She was in your _home_?”

Essek shrunk into himself, feeling the failure like a crushing weight on him. “I am aware of all the implications of that… and how… how that looks for me.” He swallowed. “I got tricked. And I fell for it much more easily than I would like to admit… I did not pay her much mind, I was distracted.”

“Distracted?”

Essek paused, feeling as though the wind got knocked out of him.

Caleb must have noticed. “I apologize. That is… none of my business, of course.”

Essek looked at his hands in his lap. He could have taken the opportunity. Elaborated. Said that it had been Caleb who had been unknowingly distracting him. But how desperate would that have seemed? It would have tinted the entire interaction, this entire endeavor in a much different color. Would have made it seem like a desperate ploy to hold onto Caleb… “She has tricked me. But I do not wish to kill her based on some personal vendetta. I don’t-“ Essek shook his head. With his conspiracy, he had all but invited someone like her to come to Rosohna. “I don’t know. But if I let her leave, do you think her masters will take her back?”

“You’ve had her for weeks, ja?”

“Yes.”

Caleb continued to twist the amber in his hand. “Then they will know that she has been captured. No one will expect to hear from her again. They will have written her off as dead…” Caleb grimaced. “It is hard to tell how they would respond to her emerging after that. But I cannot imagine them trusting her if all she can offer as an explanation is that she was just let go. If… that is where your mind is heading right now.”

“Potentially.” Essek admitted. “So if we were to set her free and she sought out those who sent her…?”

“Difficult to say… but I do not think they would trust it. They would never believe that she was let go without a bargain or some arcane intervention into her mind…” Caleb cringed at his own words. “And if they don’t trust her then they would not take her back in… And if you take her means of casting by taking her belongings, she will not be able to return or make contact for a while… which would not help her case.”

“You are… arguing for her release, yes?”

Caleb shook his head. “No, I am telling you what might happen. She might also return to Rexxentrum, share what she learned and be a useful tool who managed to get into the Dungeon of Penance, the Shadowhand’s home and perhaps many more locations we are unaware of.”

Essek narrowed his eyes. He knew that that was the case, but hearing it laid out to him was still unsettling.

“Killing her would prevent all that. It would be safer, provided that you can dispose of what remains…” Caleb said coldly. “But releasing her… I told you she faltered. That there was a moment that I did not see with the other one like her. If that is an indication of her ability see her training for what it was, her masters for who they are…”

“… Then she could still do better things…” Essek muttered.

“Ja. It is a slim chance. But if she does turn her back on those who sent her, if only because they turn their backs on her, then there is one more person out there who knows the truth. Who might want to… end it. End what shaped her.” Caleb spoke with something pained in his voice. “If there are people out there with the truth and a decent head on their shoulders…” Caleb shrugged. “Perhaps they could help do some… they could make things better.” He sighed. “Or she finds her way back to your partners and does even worse things.”

Essek stared at the ground. “That is… about what I assumed.” If I he killed her, he would take that potential. If he let her go, he would be releasing that potential out in the world. Whatever it held. For him… for Caleb… for others… He sighed. He considered his options. Killing her truly was safe. But if Caleb was right and she could do something good, something against those people who had hurt him… Essek thought back to himself, all but imprisoned below the deck of the Nein’s ship. _His_ potential at _their_ hands.

“They will send another.” Caleb said, tearing him out of his stream of consciousness. “Regardless of what you choose, if you are an unattended matter that requires further attention, they will send another once they find a window of opportunity to do so.”

“I am aware.” Essek said drily. “I have, to a degree, always known that it would end up like this. With a Scourger on my heels.” His gaze wandered to look out of a window.

“Yet, you worked with them…”

“It was important, Caleb. No one here was willing to even contemplate aiding me. But it was _important_ and no one understood that. Except for them.” Essek sighed. “It was never supposed to end up this way. Scourgers, espionage, treason. Those were risks I was willing to take. But I wish I had not taken you with me. All of you.” Essek looked up to find Caleb looking at him.

“So you’ve said…” Caleb looked back down at his amber.

“But, as for the Scourger…” Essek thought. Him on the ship with the Nein. The Scourger in the cell with him. Caleb and the Mighty Nein in the throne room. Potential. Potential that could sour or flourish. A million outcomes, a world full of variables, complete and utter unpredictability. A single choice. “I think… I think I will let her go. Have an operative release her in the Wastes without any of her magical equipment.”

Caleb’s eyes found his again. “She might find her way back to Rexxentrum.”

“She might.” Essek agreed.

“She may remain of her current mindset.” Caleb continued.

“Yes, she might very well.” Essek nodded.

“Your partners may believe her and take her back into the fold.” Caleb reminded.

“So they may.”

“Yet, you choose to set her free.” Caleb asked. “Though it stacks the deck of odds against you.”

Essek leaned back in his chair, he let his gaze drift around the room. “I… recall a moment when a person was all but captured. Who had done… things he was not proud of. Horrible things. Even to the people who had apprehended him. But he was granted a chance.”

Caleb remained silent.

“You say that the system that births Scourgers is vile. Would you say it is something that would best be torn apart?” Essek inquired.

“I think its end is one of the most important things to be done in regards to the Empire.” Caleb volunteered.

“And releasing this Scourger, who falters and pauses, letting her walk with her knowledge and giving her the chance to choose a different path, might aid in this endeavor?” Essek asked, though it was more of an assessment.

“The chances are astoundingly low.” Caleb pointed out. “But ja, it might help.”

“Then that will be enough for me.” Essek sighed. “There are a million outcomes. None of which can be predicted or ensured. She might die out there, might die at the hands of her masters, might survive and return or survive and flee. She might turn into the most wicked of the Scourgers or one of their greatest threats. Or she might live a simple life on a farm in the middle of nowhere. And out of all of those outcomes and hundreds more, I do not know which will occur. I cannot, as much as I wish, discern which is the most likely.”

“So you will leave it up to chance?”

“I know it is odd. It is probably foolish.” Essek admitted. “I do not trust chance. Or fate. I cannot trust that ‘things will be okay’, because they, most likely, will not be. I have no delusions that this will not come to stab me in the back eventually. But it is a choice I have to make. End this life and its potential. Or let it play out and let uncontrolled variables determine the rest. And I cannot tell you whether it is logic, emotion or merely a sick sense of curiosity, but I do not feel drawn to that former option. Somehow, I want to let her go.” Essek took a deep breath, still not meeting Caleb’s eyes, let he began to stammer as he was baring his soul. “You must remember… back on your ship how you told me that I can leave something better than it was before.”

Caleb made no inclination, he only listened.

“Well, perhaps with this perspective, with this mercy this person could be better than she was when she was sent here. Perhaps it might bring some sense to her mind.” He laughed wryly. “Or perhaps those are the rationalizations of a fool.”

“I don’t think they are.” Caleb replied and there was an odd softness to his voice. “I think they are the thoughts of a man who is starting to contemplate the consequences of his actions.”

Essek tensed. He wasn’t looking at Caleb, still. He could not bring himself to. He did not want that pain, not right then. Not when there was that softness to his voice and he could almost forget the constant hum of pain in his chest. “Yes… perhaps…” For a moment he had forgotten what they were. Or what they weren’t. For a brief sliver of time, they had just been two friends or colleagues or _something_ having an honest discussion. But now, summoned by vulnerability and softness, all the pain and regrets and love and brokenness returned to Essek’s mind. And he had to fight his tears at remembering so fully.

Yet, fool that he was, he risked a glance.

And Caleb was looking at him. And Essek felt his heart jump, but it hurt. It hurt because Caleb wanted this distance between them and nothing of what they had before. And it hurt because that had to be fine. Because Essek had to learn to be fine with that and it hurt to learn, but by the gods, what else was he going to do? What else _could_ he do but learn?

“I apologize.” The words stumbled out of Essek’s mouth. “I realize that I have only dragged you further into this again.”

“I have told you back on the Ball Eater and I will repeat it now: So be it. You have betrayed us and that is something that you must mend if you care for us. But the consequences… the danger… we were not living easy lives before this. We did not live without enemies or obstacles.” Caleb explained. “And if you apologize because this Scourger found out about…” He gestured vaguely between the two of them as he did when his tongue refused him the words to use. “Then I am as much to blame as you are.”

“You didn’t know what you were getting into. I… I withheld that.” Essek said, his voice strangled and he knew that he should have left right then because otherwise the tears would get another chance.

“Perhaps not the full extent, but I knew it was not without risk. And I wasn’t-“ Caleb swallowed. “… Had you been innocent, had you just been the Shadowhand, then I would have been the one endangering you.”

Essek scrunched up his face in confusion. “…How do you mean?”

Caleb shifted in what seemed to be discomfort. He was clutching the amber more tightly. “By now you… you know enough about my past to know that the people that you’ve dealt with are tied to me, as well. Some… more than others…”

“Like the Martinet…” Essek muttered.

Caleb opened his mouth, words dying in his throat. “…More… more than that.” He forced out.

Essek felt his blood freeze. _More than that? Closer than-_ Caleb had asked about… “…Trent?”

Caleb hunched his shoulders at the mention, it looked like he had been struck with lightning. But he gave a silent nod. “My teacher.” He whispered so quietly that Essek barely caught it. And Essek felt like shards of eyes were stuck in his skin all over.

“I… I didn’t… I…” Every attempt to speak failed. Trent Ikithon. Caleb’s former teacher. The source of those scars. The ones on Caleb’s arms and in Caleb’s soul. The hardship, the fear, the _everything_. As the ice pierced Essek’s skin, something began to boil beneath. A searing, boiling anger. And then a deep, loathing shame. “I never would have-“

“I know… I know you weren’t aware. I do not- I did not think that you approved of…” Caleb let his voice trail off, but the assurance still softened the turmoil in Essek’s chest. “But _I_ knew of him. And of his and everyone else’s capabilities. And they know of me. And though they have done nothing, yet, to take care of me, I know it will happen. Perhaps I am not a big enough thorn in their side right now. But the time will come, I am certain of it. And when it does, everyone I have surrounded myself with will be in danger, too.” Caleb was staring at the ground, expression hard and pained. “I was not forthright about that with you, either.”

“That is different…” Essek muttered, mind still reeling. He had never enjoyed Trent’s company, had always resented the man. But he had never made this fatal connection.

“In a way. It was no… betrayal. But in a different way it is, ah, so similar. I-“ Caleb swallowed. “I meant it when I said we were alike. I put the Nein in danger with my… my presence before I came to even like them. I put them in danger knowingly. So when you speak of putting me at risk… I think we are even. In that regard, at least.”

Caleb’s eyes flickered up to meet Essek’s and there was something conflicted in there. Essek wanted to do something to say something. But what could he say? He was a mess, they were a mess. They were friends who weren’t quite friends at the moment. He was his teacher who wasn’t teaching him anything. They were allies that mistrusted each other. Former lovers that kept gravitating toward one another.

He made a choice then. To address the unaddressed. To pull away that blanket that had been covering that thing in the room with them all along.

“I don’t think that I said it yesterday. And I don’t know whether it will mean anything. And it is okay if it does not. But, er…” Essek took a breath. “I am sorry. You said you valued… that thing that is no more. Well, I did, too. So, I am sorry I led it to that end. And I am sorry that I lied to you throughout.” He felt a tear in the corner of his eye and quickly turned away to perhaps hide it. “Everything that we did together... After we spoke in my towers for the first time. Everything since that was not motivated by lies or ulterior motives, the arrangement itself was not. I truly enjoyed your company Caleb. In… all its forms. I enjoyed it and I know that I have ruined what we shared. And for every choice I made that led to this, I apologize.” Too much. He was saying far too much. He had to stop.

Caleb remained silent. Essek risked a glance and found staring, widened blue eyes.

Essek looked away again. Gods, the things he wanted to do and the things he _had_ to do had never been this different. “This is- Apologies, I got a bit- I should get going. I must, ah, issue that order about the Scourger, as you know. I just… wanted to have said that. Because I realized that I had not done that, yet. And we are… to rebuild this friendship, yes?”

“Ah, ja. Yes.” Caleb looked away.

“Then that was important.” Essek got up, suddenly feeling every rush in the world to leave that house, to get away. Before he stumbled over his own words and made things weird and worse and uncomfortable. Before he said something he could never take back. He had not even realized how Caleb’s company had loosened his tongue. “Thank you for helping me, Caleb. I am very appreciative of that. If you wish to tell your friends now, I will not stop you, though, I do wish for you to keep this under wraps from anyone else, I have- I have not much to offer as a reason for you but-“

“This will not become your noose, Essek.” Caleb said, getting up from his chair

“…Right.” Essek blinked. “Thank you. I will be on my way then.”

“I will bring you to the door.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. Caleb led the few steps to the front door. He looked at Essek for a moment.

“I apologize for taking up so much of your time.” Essek said. “But thank you again for the help.”

“I did not do much, you mostly came to the conclusion yourself.” Caleb pointed out.

Essek paused in his frantic escape as he heard that. He looked Caleb in the eyes. He let a meaningful moment of silence pass and considered, he wanted, he ached to say something. “Well, ah, I have to be on my way then. Light be with you. I mean- Take care, Caleb.”

“Ah, ja. You too, Essek.”

He didn’t look at Caleb again as he hurried out of the door and down the street. He felt burning hot shame in his cheeks for how he had just let himself talk and ramble. Boiling embarrassment under his skin.

Yet, underneath it all he felt no regret about his decision to seek out Caleb. Not a shred.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had something to say here.
> 
> But I forgot.
> 
> Thank you for the lovely support thus far! <3
> 
> -  
> The bit that Essek did not translate via Comprehend Languages:
> 
> 'Weitere Anmerkungen wurden von Caleb Widogast, Zauberer der Schule der Transmutation, hinzugefügt. Aus sprachlichen Gründen, unter anderem wegen der Limitationen des Zaubers bekannt als „Comprehend Languages“, wurden diese Anmerkungen auf Zemnisch verfasst. – Caleb Widogast von den Mighty Nein‘
> 
> 'Further annotations have been added by Caleb Widogast, wizard of the school of Transmutation. Due to linguistic reasons, among other things the limitations of the spell known as "Comprehend Languages", these annotations have been written in Zemnian. - Caleb Widogast of the Mighty Nein'


	23. Essek Thelyss und Caleb Widogast

_“Before we can engage in that type of … relationship, I need to know exactly what you like.”_

_“Ah.” Caleb relaxed. Somewhat. “…ja, that is a good idea. I also have some questions.”_

_“Right, of course.” Essek had expected as much. He decided to table his own matters for later to focus on Caleb’s. “What do you wish to know?”_

_“Well, this may be somewhat of a foolish question.” Caleb warned. One of his fingers began idly tapping against the side of his wine glass. “But, the way you speak about… this… It would be a regular occurrence, yes? Not only another isolated thing?”_

_“That is what I assumed.” Essek watched the gentle tap-tap-tap of Caleb’s fingertip against the glass. After a moment he looked up to meet his eyes. “However, I will not pressure you into such a thing. If you are not looking to have a continuous arrangement, I will gladly indulge in another singular encounter with you.”_

_“No, no. That- an arrangement.” Caleb looked down, cheeks tinted red. “I was hoping for something like that, as well.”_

_Essek felt his shoulders relax. He hadn’t even noticed them tense. “Delightful.” Essek gave a thin but approving smile._

_“Ja. But, ah, this…” Caleb gestured loosely between himself and Essek, abandoning his glass tapping. “… this would not be a relationship, correct? Well- I suppose anything, ah, interpersonal is always a relationship of some kind.” He shook his head lightly. “But, it would not be- It would just be the physical, ja?”_

_Essek felt a bit of heat rise to his cheeks and he was glad Caleb’s gaze was focused away from him. “If you are asking whether I am courting you, I am not.”_

_“I suppose that is what I was asking, yes.” Caleb nodded. “So you would not be- we would not be a couple, yes?”_

_“Correct.” Essek stared at his wine glass. “Nothing of that sort. I think you might be a compatible match in bed not in, er, life.”_

_“Understood. That is- I mean I assumed as much. I was rather certain, but I had to-“ Caleb gestured vaguely in the air to convey what his words didn’t._

_“Of course.” Essek lifted Caleb’s burden of finishing the sentence. “I understand the need to clarify, no worries. I seek no rendezvous or other elements of partnership with you. Only physical encounters.”_

_Caleb gave a nod, he looked at Essek and then away again. “So I would be a, a …” He grasped for words again._

_“A lover, I suppose.” Essek paused briefly. “Simply not of the romantic variety.”_

_Caleb nodded and took a slightly shaky sip from his wine._

_“I have no expectations that you will tend to anything other than my physical needs whenever both of us are so inclined. And in turn, you hold me to those same expectations.” Essek elaborated. “No more and no less than that.”_

_“Ja, of course. Thank you for clarifying.”_

_-_

“Can you do this?”

“Take the captive and her two guards and escort her to a nondescript location in the Wastes. Ensure that she has no magical or other equipment that could aid her in something like swift travel, but leave her with a waterskin.” The operative repeated the order back to Essek. “It will be done, Shadowhand.”

“Perfect.” Essek subtly exhaled a breath of relief. “Report back to me as soon as you return to Rosohna. Inform me of any problems or obstacles right away. I expect regular check-ins to ensure that the mission is progressing as planned.”

“Yes, Sir.” The operative said firmly. “Shall I seek out a replacement for my post before my departure?”

“No need.” Essek replied. “The person of interest should be secure for now. If there is need for assignment of a new operative, I will do so myself.”

“Understood.” She gave another nod. “I will set out tonight, then.”

“Please do so, yes.” Essek looked the operative over once as if scrutinizing her. “If you complete this mission as I have instructed you to, a promotion may be in order. Overseeing a small division of operatives, perhaps. If you would be interested in such a thing.”

Her eyes lit up immediately. Essek caught the twitch of a smile before she lowered her head respectfully again. “I would be honored, Shadowhand.”

“Wonderful. I will keep this in mind.” Essek felt himself smiling faintly. He schooled his face into a neutral expression. “Dismissed.”

“Thank you.” The operative pushed her bow to be a little deeper than usual. “I will not disappoint.” She straightened her back and turned on her heel to walk down the deserted hallway and turn the corner.

Essek was relatively certain that she would do a very satisfactory job. She had proven to be a loyal and valuable asset many times over. Once she was out of his sight, he sighed softly. That was all he had to do at court for the day. Meaning that he was faced with the gruesome task of returning to his lonely, isolated home. He supposed he could mill about the Lucid Bastion for a little longer before anyone would question it, but he was not really in the headspace to be roped into anything by someone who ran into him, either.

He had already felt that the day had been too long after leaving the Xhorhaus. And it had barely been an hour since then.

Essek collected himself to assume his normal, straight-backed posture as he headed to the exit of the Bastion. The day was long from over. And that only gave him more time to mull over his conversations and dwell on his decisions. It had felt much better in the moment, when he had not had the time to process any of it, yet.

Now, he was not sure how he felt about everything he had done and all the impulsive choices he had made. And he knew that the solitude in his towers would be fertile ground for those thoughts and worries to take root and grow.

-

Essek remembered the day he had moved into his towers. The first time he had set foot in the structure, able to call it his own.

It had been a place to finally withdraw, to focus on his research, to do all the important things that he had not been able to do undisturbed anywhere else. He had appreciated the solitude and the freedom that had come with it. Over time this appreciation had become normalcy. Then tolerance. And now Essek had let it become resentment.

It was partially dread as he entered his home that day. The loneliness, the isolation, once self-inflicted with intent, now merely a lasting consequence of his past actions.

He mulled over the day as he traversed the foyer and then headed up the staircase. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel. The Scourger was dealt with for the time being. That should have been a huge relief. Those of the Nein he had met that day had not attacked him on sight. So that was somewhat good. And his conversation with Caleb had gone almost too well, considering everything that had happened. It had given him hope.

But he still felt strange. He still felt hollow and lonely and hurt.

It had subsided but, with the emptiness of his home, that painful sensation came to life once more.

He sighed deeply as though he could exhale the feeling. He couldn’t. He went to his study, deciding to start establishing a position for his operative. He hoped with a familiar sense of desperation that the task was going to distract him. He knew better, but he hoped like a fool, nonetheless.

He continued to think. Essek had known that this thing between Caleb and him had never been meant to last. He hadn’t wanted to contemplate it, but he had always known it. That there would be a last kiss, a final touch. Caleb’s group leaving Rosohna for good, Caleb finding himself a romantic match or perhaps him simply tiring of Essek’s company. Eventually, it would have ended. All roads had shared that same destination. And it had never held the potential to last years, either. Not with the way their lives collided. But Essek had hoped for a little more time, still.

He took off his mantle as he entered the study and placed it over the back of his chair before taking a seat. His gaze fell on the book. The book that Caleb and him had annotated. That he had placed there mere hours before, as though saving it for further review and study. As though he could ever have forgotten it if he had put it on his shelf. For a moment he stared. For a moment he wanted.

But then he pushed that desire as far away as he could. What good was to come of indulging in it again? He had already reached out, had already spoken to Caleb, had already dragged him deeper into his traitorous mess.

He had apologized.

Essek scrunched up his face at the memory. It seemed messy in hindsight. Words cobbled together with emotion, not strung together with skill. Caleb hadn’t even accepted it. But, then, Essek had not really given him the chance to.

He shook his head. He needed to stop contemplating it. This was no better than reading the annotations.

He reached into one of his drawers and withdrew parchment, some forms and a few records of the Lens to find a proper spot to integrate his operative as promised.

-

The task kept him occupied for a little while, but not nearly as long as Essek would have hoped. By the time he placed the last signature to finalize the process, it was afternoon. A few more hours until the Scourger was scheduled to be subdued and removed from the Dungeon of Penance and Rosohna in general.

Essek could have gone to oversee the process. He decided against it. There was nothing for him to do there except draw unnecessary attention. His operative had traced, subdued and captured the Scourger, she would do fine extracting her and bringing her away.

Essek filed the paperwork away for the time being.

As he considered the stack of other papers and forms on his desk, his gaze got hung up on the book once more. He wanted to focus on the fact that he knew better than to pick it up. He wanted to focus on the knowledge that he had other things to tend to. And he wanted to keep in mind that it was a terrible decision to open the book and that there was no need to read the annotations. Not right then.

But as he knew and remembered and kept in mind, he also _felt_. The longing, the missing, like a piece of him was absent. And he felt like perhaps he could recapture that piece, if only for a little while, if he looked and flipped though pages.

That longing for that piece of him won over the logic in his head and he took the book and gingerly opened it before casting the spell that would allow him to read Caleb’s writing. To understand him a little bit more.

Essek began at the front, eyes drifting over the familiar first page before continuing on. He gently flipped the pages, skimming the printed text and stopping for each and every annotation. The spell made reading Zemnian take a few moments. Essek lingered even longer on it. Lingered on the handwriting, the meaning. Occasionally, he smiled to himself at the curiosity and wit that was tucked into each line of Caleb’s writing. After a handful of annotations, Essek couldn’t help himself. He reached for his quill to respond. He abandoned all care for annotation etiquette – much like Caleb had – and circled, underlined and responded to the questions as though they were having a conversation. He felt the dampness of tears but found it married to a fragile smile on his lips.

Gods, how harrowing it was to feel.

How beautifully raw and genuine it was to love.

There was something so horrible-wonderful about it. Even if it was not requited. Even if it was from afar. Essek hoped he would not ache forever. That time would heal him.

But for a little while, reading Zemnian questions and thoughts, he didn’t mind so much that he was bleeding.

-

Nothing was able to tear him away from the book.

Not the progression of time and not the Sending from the operative that the Scourger had been removed from Rosohna.

No, Essek was lost. Within annotations, additional notes on parchment and further books he had retrieved to help formulate his responses.

The only thing that put a halt to the bubbling stream of consciousness, to the thoughts of Caleb reading the annotations, the fantasy of discussing them together, was a familiar, startling alarm ringing in his mind.

He sat up straight.

It was already night. A summons this late meant some kind of trouble, something big. He swallowed. It was not the Nein, they would have Sent ahead. Dread curled in his gut. Perhaps the extraction of the Scourger had not gone as planned. Perhaps the Bright Queen wanted answers. Or his head.

He lifted himself up numbly, thoughts pounding in his head like the steady thrum of a heartbeat.

He took his mantle and put it back over the shoulders before gliding to the front door. As he was on the stairs, he heard the sound of his door knocker echoing through the deserted rooms and hallways. Anxiety began to prickle in his nerves. It was almost comedic, the thought his mind latched onto as he felt himself drawn to what could have been his end: He hoped Caleb would find the book.

Essek reached the door, unlocked it and opened it.

Immediately, his breath refused to leave his lungs, his heart sped up and warmth, shock and electricity blended in his veins.

“Guten Abend.”

Immediately, Essek was lost again. He dropped to his feet. _Caleb_ was standing on his doorstep. Not guards, not the Dusk Captain, but _Caleb._ His gaze was averted and he was fidgeting with the hems of his sleeves. His eyes flickered up to meet Essek’s and then were turned away again. “Good-” Essek cleared his throat, finding something unknown lodged in there. “Good evening. I, er, did not expect to see you again. Ah, not so soon.”

“Verzeihung,” Caleb said. “Have I caught you at a bad time?”

“No, not at all. It is just late, that is all.” Essek swallowed but there was nothing to swallow, his throat felt almost painfully dry. He wanted to ask Caleb inside but he did not want to seem presumptuous. He did not know where they stood; the ground underneath them felt brittle and uncertain and like the wrong word might cause it to break. “But it is no problem, I have time. What do you need?”

“I have a request.” Caleb admitted. “It, ah, pertains to something I have been thinking about since the evening you dined with us at the Xhorhaus.”

“Right? What would that be?”

“That device up on your tower.” Caleb gestured vaguely upward. “Would it be possible to see it up close?”

Essek raised an eyebrow at the question, caught off-guard. That was perhaps one of the last things he would have thought this to be about. “… Yes, that- We could get on top of that tower to view it. But if you are interested in the magic behind it, I can explain it without us having to go there. I do not mind.”

Caleb shook his head gently. “I would much rather see it, if that is a possibility.”

Essek considered him and his strange request. He already felt the answer on his tongue. He did not want to scare him off and make things worse again by pointing out that it was an odd thing to ask for out of the blue and that late in the evening. “Alright. Sure. Come in.”

He opened the door wider, allowing Caleb to step inside. Essek noticed that he seemed nervous and on edge. The way he shifted, the way his fingers were constantly occupied with the edges of fabric and the way his eyes jumped from point to point in the room. “Thank you, Essek.”

Essek wondered whether the day’s events were still on Caleb’s mind. Whether he was nervous because of how weird things were between them. Essek wondered a lot of things that moment. “Of course. It is no trouble. Come with me.”

Caleb gave a nod and Essek made the conscious decision to walk beside him instead of in front of him.

“We will have to ascend all the way to the laboratory and then a little further to get on the roof.” He explained, feeling it necessary to point out somehow.

“I assumed.” Caleb volunteered. “I, ah, do not mind if you would rather levitate. You do not have to, around the Nein or me, but I would not want you to be uncomfortable.”

“I’m not.” Essek replied. “… It is nice to know that I can just walk with you.”

Caleb hummed in something that could have been approval, could have been curiosity and Essek decided to leave it that.

They walked up the stairs, then into a hallway, switching towers. Neither of them spoke, but the silence wasn’t uncomfortable. It wasn’t smothering, it just existed.

It left Essek alone with his thoughts racing through his mind. Most of them confused about this strange late meeting. Yes, Caleb had asked about the device that evening of the dinner. He had seemed reasonably interested in it, but casually. More like his question had been designed to fill the space between Essek, Beau and him with something that wasn’t indicative of their secret arrangement. He had not brought it up again afterwards, not even in passing. His interest had seemed momentary and superficial, yet, there Caleb was, asking about it. Citing it as a reason for his oddly-timed visit. Perhaps it was tied to some discovery he had made?

Essek did not want to question it, did not want to risk scaring Caleb off. He wondered how Caleb felt, how he was doing. Whether he had been contemplating the day, their discussions, as well. Whether he had been mulling over the events or whether he had not wasted another thought on any of it after Essek had departed his home.

“Have you, ah, done anything about the Scourger, yet?” Caleb asked quietly with a faint nervous tremor to his voice.

“Yes, I had her extracted from the Dungeon and sent to the Wastes. My operative is on her way to bring her there right this moment. She will be left to fend for herself.” Essek explained, suddenly worrying about the decision again.

“Alright, that is good to know…” Caleb muttered in response before allowing the silence to take over again.

Essek knew that he could have delved into the topic further, but discussing the Scourger seemed superfluous and like it would have only added unnecessary stress and discomfort to Caleb’s state of mind. The conversations with and around her had already been an ordeal for him. Essek had no interest in making it any worse. If Caleb wanted to discuss it further, he would surely bring it up again. Essek much rather wanted to focus on the thrilling fact that they were going to be discussing magic. Reclaiming that piece of normalcy between them. Even if it was strange and disconnected and the magic had not much to do with any of their previous discussions and was, in fact, something they had never really spoken about before.

“I realize that it is a bit of a strange request… seeing the device.” Caleb pointed out as he, apparently, read Essek’s mind.

“A little.” Essek admitted. “I do remember your interest in it, but I had not realized that it was occupying your mind.”

“Hm… Well… I hope that… it will make sense…” Caleb muttered, more to himself than Essek.

Well, that didn’t help him feel any more confident. But no matter. Caleb was interest and so Essek would provide. And if he, quite selfishly, happened to take joy in Caleb’s company during, well then that was not going to hurt anybody, was it? Except for him, in the long run, perhaps.

Sure, the request was odd. Out of the blue. But Essek was not going to send Caleb away. Not when he had this chance to be alone with him. Not when his heart bloomed and flourished with warmth and longing at Caleb’s presence. He could ignore the pain accompanying it like he could ignore the feeling of Caleb having pulled the rug out from under his feet. He did not care that he felt uncertain and caught off-guard. He didn’t care if Caleb was the one to have caused it, he found.

They fell back into comfortable, if perhaps a little nervous, silence as Essek brought Caleb all the way up to the laboratory, ignored the memories there, then continued on to a small, narrow staircase where he had to walk in front of him. He climbed it up to the hatch which he unlocked and then opened with a small Dunamantic push before getting onto the roof. He turned down to see Caleb following behind him.

Within moments they stood on top of the tower. And Essek had forgotten just how beautiful it was up there. The night air was cool and crisp as it swept over the rooftop in a gentle breeze. Around them were the rest of the Firmaments and, beyond, all of Rosohna. Most houses were significantly shorter than Essek’s towers, allowing him and Caleb to look over them into the far distance all the way to the horizon long beyond the city limits. The streets were largely deserted, though flickering street lights and lit windows breathed quiet life into the city nonetheless. Above them, the ever-dark sky of Rosohna, now accurately depicting what lay beyond it that very moment: a sea of endless stars, clustered and spread out in patterns and chaos. Joining them, the bright full circle of Catha and the small reddish speck of Ruidus. It was quiet.

Essek turned to look at the contraption in the center of the roof. It was of metallic make and consisted largely of curves and rings laid out in a specific pattern around a globe-like piece in the center. The rings were moving ever so slowly in mesmerizing ways. The center emitted a very faint glow and the shifting of the pieces introduced a quiet humming sound to the silence.

“Here we are, then.” Essek announced. He gave Caleb space to investigate the contraption at his leisure. He moved to the edge of the roof, leaning gently against a small stone wall that encircled it.

Caleb turned away from the houses he had been looking at and focused on the device, taking a few steps toward it. Essek noticed how private it felt to be up there with him. Somehow, it felt more secluded than the inside of his home, not less like he would have expected. It was just the two of them in the blessed silence of the night. Only the stars and moons to attend their little meeting. ”Impressive…” Caleb muttered and Essek realized that he was being foolish. He was merely granting Caleb a request. Nothing more.

“Thank you.” Essek watched Caleb’s inspection. It seemed a little… off. Like he was looking at it more for Essek’s benefit than his own. “Well, if you have any questions, I am right here.”

Caleb nodded, still turned away, toward the device. Essek noticed that he was still fumbling with his sleeves. He was also shifting his weight around as if no stance truly suited him. “Is this- Does it depict the current state of the ley lines or is it predictive in nature?”

“Current.” Essek replied. “Though the enchantment can be altered to show future shifts. Unfortunately, that makes it relatively inaccurate.”

“I see…” Caleb nodded. He walked a few paces around the structure. Essek looked to the side, letting his gaze drift over Rosohna. “Very neat runework…” Caleb assessed quietly. “I must admit that I do not really know how to read this contraption. I have some knowledge of ley lines. But I am, er, lost with this…”

“Would you like an introduction to interpreting it?” Essek offered, gaze shifting back to Caleb.

“I would appreciate that, ja. If you don’t mind.”

“Not at all.” Essek walked to join Caleb. “Let me know if I lose-“ He paused. “Let me know if I say something you don’t understand.”

“I will.”

Essek gave a nod, he turned to the moving contraption. “As you can see, this inner globe represents Exandria. There are small markings etched into it to show its tilt and direction.” Essek gestured to a set of rings. “These are representative of permanent ley lines and those ones are shifting.” Essek explained. His gaze drifted to Caleb and got caught for a moment as his breath came became little heavier. They were … so close. He looked back at the device. “They can move, as you can see, to indicate positioning. Now, there are multiple levels to each circle. And different pieces that assume different positions to indicate the state of a line. This one for instance-“ Essek indicated a specific cluster of curved lines of metal. “Here you can see the layering well. Depending on how they are positioned it can indicate the swelling or the reduction of a line, as well as some other things.”

“I understand.” Caleb nodded.

“There is a glossary to fully understand each possible arrangement. I have it memorized and I can show it to you sometime if you would like to be able to read this… But to provide an immediate example. That one-“ Essek pointed at a specific line. “-is very weak. You can see that it is accompanied by no other pieces. That is normal, this time of year.” He gestured to another. “That one, on the other hand, is currently very large, very rich with energy. A little more than usual, it’s an interesting change.” Essek paused. “I also have an interpreter for it inside.”

“Where are we?”

“Hm?”

“It is a globe without a map, yes? The center? Can you tell me where Rosohna would be on it?” Caleb leaned a little closer to it as if it might give any indication.

Another odd request. “Yes, I can. Rosohna would be…” Essek took a few steps around the contraption. He then pointed to a spot just beneath a multi-layered ring. “Right here.”

Caleb followed him and looked at the indicated spot. “Right there, then.” He nodded to himself as though he had established something. “There we are.”

“Yes. Ah, if you wanted to know what state the closest ley lines are in, I have several records on the subject.” Essek offered. “I don’t mind sharing them with you.” These days, he didn’t mind sharing most things with Caleb, it seemed.

“Ah, thank you, I might take you up on that offer… But not now, ja? Right now I am… fine up here.” Caleb explained cryptically.

Essek hoped that ‘not now’ meant ‘some other time’. “Of course.”

Caleb turned away from the contraption, gaze seemingly taking in their surroundings. He walked to the edge of the tower and leaned on the wall, propped up with his forearms. Essek could see him letting his gaze drift over the city and then pause when it reached the huge tree sprouting from a few streets away. “We have infiltrated your view.” He assessed.

“A little.” Essek said, his voice strangled. He found it hard to breathe as he looked at Caleb, whose back was turned toward him. Behind Caleb was the backdrop of darkened sky and bright stars, Catha above granting him a kiss with her light. Silver into copper, illuminating him, making him glow. Below, houses over houses. A city asleep. Beside him, a spot unclaimed. Essek’s heart ached and bloomed at the sight.

“More than a little, I would say…” Caleb pointed out. He seemed to have realized that he was by himself and turned a little until Essek could see his profile and it made him feel so terribly invited that he could no longer resist.

He walked up to the edge and leaned on the wall beside Caleb. He looked at the tree. “You are right, it draws the eye. But I don’t mind.”

“No?”

“Not at all. It’s… refreshing. I don’t know when I was up here last but it is normally 360° of built structures and sharp angles. And now it’s… well, still that but then there is also that tree.” Essek paused, worrying that he was going to say something silly. “Some of your neighbors loathe it, though.”

Caleb snorted and Essek felt his heart skip a beat. He had almost let himself forget that this was a study visit. Nothing more. Without the potential for more. “Ja, we are aware that we may have… provoked some ire in the neighborhood.” Caleb admitted. He took in a deep breath and tilted his head to look up at the sky in silence.

Essek felt his gaze drawn to him with a magnetic pull. He knew he was supposed to look away, disinterested. He knew that he was only ripping more and more at his hurting, broken heart. He knew he was only capturing another image for his mind to remember as he lay alone in bed, tears in his eyes. But still, he looked. He looked at the planes of silver placed upon Caleb’s face by the moon above and the dark shadows his features cast against them. He watched as Caleb’s eyes searched the sky as if looking for an answer to a question he hadn’t asked. He observed the glittering specks of light dancing in blue irises as if the stars themselves had fallen into them. And Essek thought to himself, as he stood there, utterly lost in this other man, that if he died tomorrow – by the hands of the Assembly, the Dynasty or the Nein – that, at least, he had given away his breath and heart before being robbed of his life.

And then Caleb seemed to find what he had been looking for and he tilted his head back down and Essek turned away. Caleb looked at his fidgeting hands, then out at the sea of rooftops. “I have to apologize, Essek. He drew in a breath. “I lied to you.”

Essek faltered. “You did…?” He went over the previous conversation, trying to find the offending statement. He felt his cracked heart thrum in nervous bursts as he couldn’t find the lie, worried about what he had missed. Worried about what was to come.

“Ja, I did. I … did not come to look at this contraption. I, ah, it is not that I am disinterested in it. But it was… a false pretense.” Caleb admitted, voice tinted with guilt.

“Right…” That made sense. “Then why…?”

“I wanted to talk to you.”

Essek narrowed his eyes at the spot he was looking at. He then turned to Caleb. “You don’t- Caleb, you don’t need a pretense to talk to me. You can simply ask to. That hasn’t changed.” Or, he had thought that it hadn’t. He had thought that they still had that.

“Alright…”

The tone tugged at Essek’s heart and it hurt. Caleb sounded… sad. Regretful. Perhaps about what was to come next. And Essek felt his face fall, so he turned back to stare into the distance, too. He inhaled fear with his next breath. Anxiety prickled under his skin. Dread. He wanted to freeze the moment. Stop time before it could carry him any further. Before Caleb could take the last pieces left in his chest. Essek could almost hear it… the request for space. To leave him alone.

“This, ah…” Caleb started. “It is frustrating. I thought about what I was going to say, laid out all the words in my head… But now that I am here, I find myself unable to say any of them.”

“If you would rather say them in Zemnian, I still have most of my arcane capabilities left.” Essek offered and he hated the unsteadiness in his voice. Quivering, anticipating the hurt.

“Thank you for the offer.” Caleb replied quietly. “But I, er, want to say this in a language we both speak.”

Essek gave a single nod in response.

“The truth is that I… find myself at a crossroads…” Caleb volunteered. “I am conflicted… torn apart.” He gestured at his chest. “Down to the core, I think.” He leaned back on the wall. “And I hoped that in coming here I could change that. But now I feel a fool for it. It overwhelms me. This… everything.”

Essek just listened. He could feel himself a heartbeat away from tears. He knew they would come. He could anticipate them. He clenched his fists and pressed his lips together, hoping to keep them hidden a few moments longer.

“I never wanted to… end up like this. Though, I suppose, most people who do did not want it. It just happens. It just … happened.” Caleb sighed. “A lot has happened, Essek. A lot since we met.”

“Right, I am aware…” Essek replied, uncomfortable with how fragile his voice was becoming.

“Yes, of course you are.” Caleb gave a short, humorless laugh. “Of course. You have been there for all of it. Well, most of it.” Essek felt Caleb’s eyes on him but the feeling vanished again. “It’s almost… impressive how much has happened.” Caleb paused and Essek gave him time. “Things have led here in… convoluted ways. Messy ways. And now we are here and I- ach-“ He took a deep breath. “Essek, this… this is not working. This is not going to work. Not the way I think you and I wanted it to…”

Essek’s fists clenched harder. He tensed and tried to control his breathing. “I know…” He didn’t. He hadn’t known.

“I asked for things to go back to the way they… used to be. And you seemed to want that same thing.” Caleb pointed out, his voice shaking and so uneven that Essek wanted nothing more than to turn and wrap his arms around him in an act of comfort. “But, ah, I think I hoped for the impossible.”

Because Essek had fucked up. Because Essek had made the wrong choices time and time again. Had done too little, had kept too much, had failed.

“I feel like I should have known better…” Caleb muttered. “Nein, I _know_ I should have known better than to ask for that. I should have known better than to assume that that was possible. But I believed the lies. Every single time, from the very start, I believed the lies. Although I should have noticed – well I did, but I should have noticed much sooner and so, instead, I believed. And even when I thought I was beyond lies and pretenses, I came back to them again. To buying into them.”

Essek’s lies.

“Those damned lies that I kept telling myself… over and over. Like a fool.”

… _What?_ Essek blinked and only then noticed that he had been lowering his head. He observed Caleb from the corner of his eye. He was trembling, his hands were fidgeting. His eyes were fixed on something far in the distance, beyond Rosohna. Something that perhaps did not even exist.

“I noticed it again today, I think. That I was kidding myself. Because you came by and you … you asked for my help and we talked and it was-“ Caleb hesitated. “I just had not expected it.”

Caleb turned and their eyes met and that second Essek saw nervousness and anxiety and he didn’t know what it meant and he didn’t dare make an assumption. So he turned away to look at the horizon as though it might tell him the answer. “I apologize if my presence made you-“

“No, don’t- Verdammt. It was _easy_. It was so easy. So much easier than it should have been, Essek, to talk to you again.” Caleb said with a little more strength in his voice. “It should have been difficult. More difficult, I would have thought, at least. It should have been uncomfortable and unsettling. And I should have been wary. And angry… But I wasn’t.”

Essek’s apology died and he fell back into his silence.

“I should have been angry, before, too. Or, I was, but not like I should have been.” Caleb’s voice became pained, he sounded lost. “And it should have changed. Back then, below deck, things should have changed. And they did. But they didn’t. And I know, I _know_ that they should have and I was so sure that they would. After it had sunken in. And I kept waiting. Just another day, I thought, another day and it would sink it and everything would be different. But nothing changed. Nothing went away. Not then. Not during the peace talks. Not yesterday. And then, today, I realized just how- how unwavering…” He stopped and let the words dissolve into nothingness.

“Caleb.” Essek felt hot in the cool wind. His thoughts felt loud in the quiet of the night. He turned back toward him. He looked at Caleb’s forearms, resting on the wall. And without another thought, Essek reached out and gently placed his hand on one of them. For comfort, to hold onto him - he wasn’t sure why. “What… what didn’t change?”

Caleb looked at the contact between them. A small, sad smile appeared on his lips. “I still… You know back in the study… that first time… I knew I was doing something that would complicate things. Because I knew you were going to regret it. I knew I was a lapse in your judgment. But that moment, I didn’t care…”

Essek’s eyes widened a little at the absolutely incorrect assessment.

“And that made me think. Many times I’ve thought on that. And everything that followed.” Caleb admitted. “I do not think myself very driven by physical desires. Not enough to jeopardize the group.” He paused. “But this was different. And I still cannot figure out why… Why it was different right then. That _quickly_. But I did find out why it was different in general, why I… gave myself permission to seek you out… in spite of all the implications of it.”

Essek noticed that no breath was rushing through his lungs. He tried to hold onto it, along with his conclusions and assumptions, delaying the inevitable disappointment.

Caleb seemed at war with himself. “I don’t know whether it started back then or later… or before? Whether that moment in the Xhorhaus is isolated or connected or maybe even a catalyst. I cannot say…” Caleb took a deep breath. “But since sometime then there has been this thing. And now I am here with it. With this … this unchanging, unwavering thing… and I do not know what to do with it. It’s … so useless. It has no purpose. All it does it complicate and I-“ Caleb closed his eyes. “I do not want this to be complicated, anymore.” He said, his voice defeated and full of longing. “There is so much- I wish that _this_ could just be simple.”

Essek wanted to ask what. What was it that should be simple? What was this useless and unwavering thing? What was troubling Caleb so much? So much that he had sought out Essek late, under false pretenses, just to put it to rest? But he couldn’t form the words. Not a single sound came out of his throat, not a single motion to his tongue. And he dared not think, dared not look at the realization that was lurking just over his shoulder. Dared not assume out of fear that it would have only torn him apart further to be wrong. He was stuck, frozen, at Caleb’s mercy – completely and utterly.

“I am not sure- It is- I have made a mess of things. I know you have, too, but I- _I-_ Scheiße.” Caleb cursed. “I wish I could just say the words and be done with it, but I cannot.” He looked back out at Rosohna. “This wouldn’t change things, this wouldn’t- It would complicate. If I told you, if I could bring myself to- And I would still feel this conflict, because I don’t know whether I trust you. I just don’t _know_. And it is such a harrowing experience not to _know,_ when all I can do is _want_ to trust you. So- So why am I here, even?” Caleb scrunched up his face. “I came here, lied to you and now I cannot even say the one thing I came here to say… That I-“ He swallowed. “Fuck. That I-…“

“I love you.”

The words were quiet, barely a breath exhaled from Essek’s lips. Yet, as soon as they were put in the space between them, time seemed to slow. For a brief moment of bliss, Essek did not realize what he had done. But then he observed Caleb and he saw as his eyes widened. As he turned his head to look at Essek fully with huge bright blue eyes full of moonlight and with cheeks flushed red like the fire of the sun was burning beneath the skin. And Essek realized. He realized what he had said. What he had _done_.

He opened his mouth to add something. To supplement the proclamation with an explanation. To soften it. To take it back. To do anything. To _undo_. But nothing further came. Nothing additional was put in the space between them. Only those three words. Hanging there. Lingering.

Essek felt his own cheeks hot and his muscles tense. He stared back at Caleb. And there was a city, civilization around them, but there wasn’t. And there were stars and moons and worlds above but there weren’t. There was Caleb and him. On top of that tower. In one moment that stretched into infinites.

“What…” The first word was uttered by Caleb. “What…” He repeated it, apparently missing the ability to find another.

And looking at him, Essek felt something in his chest unwind. He felt his choice and its weight. And he accepted it. “I love you.” He repeated as a wave of warmth overcame him. A wave of catharsis. Caleb was still staring at him and Essek was not sure whether he was gripped by shock or disbelief or both. And he didn’t know whether it was good or bad or neither. But he pushed on. He had done it – unplanned, sudden, but he had done it. So, by the gods, the moons and the stars, he was going to do it _right_. “I am in love with you, Caleb.” His heart sang at the words as though it was finally being heard for the first time. “I have been in love with you for weeks. Months. I love you like… like I’ve never loved anyone before.”

Caleb swallowed, still no words coming to his lips. So Essek continued, overwhelmed by the sensation swelling in his chest. Overwhelmed by his sudden desire to say everything that he could.

“I know that… that this is yet another secret I have kept from you. But I couldn’t- I could not bring myself to tell you. I promise you that when I offered you the arrangement, that I didn’t feel this way. Or, at the very least, that I did not know. This was not on purpose, none of it was planned or intended. I swear this to you. I was merely ignorant. To my emotions, to their potential, and by the time I finally realized and made the decision to tell you, it was too late. It felt too late. And I am sorry that I didn’t do it until now. For so many reasons. I know how this must come across. How desperate. But if you have any faith left in my word, please have faith in this: You are not just a physical match to me, anymore. Or a student. Or a friend. And you are most certainly not a lapse in judgment – you never have been. You have simply consistently been much more than I anticipated. Than I was _ready_ for. And that was terrifying. It _is_ terrifying. It is terrifying and wonderful and it is so, so damn foolish and complicated and I know that, I _know_ that, Caleb. Yet, here I am. Foolishly, stupidly, recklessly in love with you.”

Essek felt as though there was no ground beneath him anymore, he felt like he was spinning, the only thing grounding him was the feeling of his palm on Caleb’s arm.

“And I know, very well that this changes nothing. That it has no right to change anything and I will not blame you if you want to forget all of this, if you will turn and leave. I will- I never wanted to cause you grief or guilt by telling you. I didn’t want to- This was never supposed to be your burden. That was part of the reason why I- And now I have gone and done it, anyway. I don’t want this to ruin- I-“ Suddenly, the fear, the anxiety that had been subdued by love and affection, came back and it made him falter. It made him think. It made him scared. “I am sorry I-“

“No.” Caleb turned toward Essek, and he took the hand that had been on his arm and held it with his own. “You will not apologize to me for this. You won’t. Had I known that…” He looked into Essek’s eyes. “If I had only know, then- I could have-” Caleb choked out. “Essek. You… you are such a fool. Such a smart fool. And… And so am I. Such a fool. I… I feel the same way, I-“ He made a strangled noise. “I love you, too.” He took a breath, it was shaking and unsteady. “I know no purpose for it, I know no destination for this. But I do know that I- I love you, too. Whether I am worthy of it or not, whether it is good or not. I love you. Verdammt, Essek. I love you.”

Essek’s heart pounded in his chest. He found himself still staring at Caleb, into the blue of his eyes. That blue that he got lost in. He had no more words to offer. The nervousness, the joy, the absolute euphoria of hearing Caleb’s admission was too much, too crushing, to sink in. It was too much to form a thought. Yet, after moments of silence, single wish slipped through the chaos in his head. And he moved closer, slowly and hesitantly before breathing out a question. “May I- Caleb, may I kiss you?”

Caleb’s face softened. “There is nothing I want more than that.”

Essek leaned forward then. Though his heart was singing, though his pulse was thrumming and his thoughts were scattered, his movements were gentle. He held Caleb’s hand tightly. With his other he cupped his cheek, softly stroking over the flushed, freckled skin with his thumb. He closed his eyes and in one smooth motion, closed the distance between them.

Their lips met softly. A faint echo of the times they had met before. Essek tilted his head slightly to push into it a little. He felt the soft press from Caleb in return. A flame was set alight in Essek’s chest, brighter and stronger than ever before. It made energy pulse through his system and filled each inch of him with a hot, burning sensation. Like a powerful fever was overcoming him. It felt so good. It felt so _right._ After weeks of _wrong_ this felt so _right_ that Essek wasn’t sure that he was not under some kind of spell.

Then Caleb’s free hand found its way underneath his mantle, to the small of his back to pull him closer. Encouraged, Essek pushed more into the kiss, droplets of passion blending seamlessly with the gentle affection in his mind. He released Caleb’s hand to slip his arm around his shoulders. He held him close, near, pressed together with no space for moonlight between them. Caleb’s freed hand slid around Essek’s waist to join his other, holding him tightly.

And then the pressure against Essek’s lips was gone and he opened his eyes to find Caleb’s face inches away. He was still in his embrace, still holding on. And by the moons and stars above and by the Luxon and all the deities and planes, Caleb looked _divine_. Like a holy, sacred, cherished entity. His face was bright red. The shimmer of moonlight rested in his hair and glinted in his eyes in thin blue irises and wide, dark pupils.

“For a moment…” Caleb started, his voice unsteady. “For a moment I was worried that once we parted I would be alone.”

“Is that why you pulled away?” Essek asked softly.

“I had to make sure that it is real…” He swallowed and Essek saw him taking in his face, eyes drifting over his features. “I… I can’t tell, still. But if it is not real… I don’t think I mind dreaming a little longer…”

“Me neither.”

And then they met a second time. Still soft, still full of emotion and affection, but with more energy. A shared longing, a shared missing flourished between them. There was need, to be close, to be loved. Essek kissed Caleb with feeling. With adoration kept secret and hidden for too long. He kissed him with a feeling of _right_ and a feeling of certainty that had no reason for being. With no care for what happened the day before and no thought on what would be the day after. He kissed because in that moment kissing Caleb was all he wanted to do.

And Caleb kissed him back with desire and desperation that matched his own. Essek shifted and wrapped his arms around Caleb’s shoulders fully. The both of them were close and pressed together and everything else dropped away and ceased to be. As weeks and months of fears and longing were being undone with a kiss. And with each passing second there was _more_ of it. It grew deeper, more longing. Their hold on each other became tighter, desperate. Caleb’s hands began to grip at Essek and one of Essek’s hands started to dive into Caleb’s hair, to grab and cling. Each motion made to find more in each other, to have more of each other. To bring them as close as they could be, to cling and hold and make it last. And a fluid movement overcame them as they pressed and moved into each other, as everything became about holding and feeling and touching and experiencing.

But then Caleb pulled away again and it was too soon. Though, the kiss could have lasted a century and its end would have been too soon.

“We need to talk about… all of this… but…” Caleb said and Essek knew he was right but he was not ready to give up the moment. To have it end. To have things become serious and real and burdened with consequences. “…but, ah….”

“Later?”

“Later.” Caleb smiled and Essek realized just how much he had _needed_ to see his small but genuine smile. Not a brittle, uncomfortable thing. But something sweet and soft and true. “For now… I ah… Would you… would you like to go to bed with me?”

After everything they had done together, the request should not have sent Essek’s heart missing beats. But it did. “Are you certain…? We don’t have to.”

“I know. But I want to.” Caleb said. “I really, really want to.” His voice was warm and deep and suggestive. “Perhaps, ah, on eye-level, though? So … so I know that you mean what you say to me… and so I can touch you, and speak to you… and you’ll know that I mean what I say, too? Just once, just tonight.”

“Of course, that-“ Essek swallowed. That sounded so utterly wonderful. “I would love that.”

Caleb smiled a little wider and leaned back in and Essek accepted the kiss gladly, returning it fully. And the love, the warmth between them became heat. Need grew between them and Essek felt himself kiss Caleb deeply and fully and _wanting_.

Realizing that he wanted to go to their destination rather sooner than later, Essek pulled away. He knew he could have Teleported them, but somehow, he didn’t want to. He wanted all of it, real travel included. So he withdrew gently and took Caleb’s hand. “Come.” He beckoned and Caleb, still bright red, nodded.

They descended back down the stairs, pausing to close the hatch, before Essek pulled Caleb quickly through the hallways of his tower. They traded no kisses as they rushed to the bedroom, but knowing looks and smiles. They spoke no words so Essek was left with a nervous-happy tingling in his chest and a mind that had not really comprehended what had just happened. All he could feel was good. Indescribably good and right and uncaring about consequences and it was such a freeing, such a light and wonderful sensation that he would not have traded for the world.

They arrived in the bedroom and Essek lit the candles with a flick of the wrist, bathing the room in a warm glow. Caleb closed the door behind them. There was a beat of silence and then Essek felt a tug at his arm as he was being pulled close to Caleb and enveloped with one arm back around his waist. It was almost surprisingly impulsive, only balanced out by the sheepish expression on Caleb’s face.

Essek found himself staring into Caleb’s eyes again. “Are you… sure you want this?”

“Ja, I do.” Caleb smiled. “I want… I want to be close to you. I need you.”

Those words, uttered before in a different setting, were so meaningful and heavy right then. Essek met Caleb in another kiss, colliding with him in the most beautiful way and need surged through him once more. He ran his hands up Caleb’s chest until he found the lapels of his coat to pull him closer by. Caleb’s arms wrapped around him again fully, holding him tight and close.

And Essek _wanted_. By the gods, he just wanted him so badly.

And he kissed him like it. Fueled by need and want and desire. Essek kissed Caleb like he hadn’t kissed him in a hundred years and had been longing for him for a thousand. Caleb mirrored his desperation, this wanting, with each motion, each noise and the way he clung to Essek’s form like his life depended on it. And Essek didn’t just feel wanted, didn’t just feel desirable, he felt _loved._

He pushed into the kiss and opened his mouth slightly to brush the tip of his tongue against Caleb’s lips. Caleb shivered and retaliated by adding his own tongue to each of their heated encounters.

Essek’s hands left behind the lapels to find and grip the soft fabric of Caleb’s scarf. He began to tug on it gently, hoping to remove it in one quick motion. But it would not move like that and Essek found himself taking embarrassingly long to deal with it as his fingers trailed over the fabric in hopes of finding out why it would not disappear the way he wanted it to.

Caleb smiled into the kiss and broke apart from him. “Let me.” He offered gently and leaned backward to unwrap his scarf over his head. Holding the garment, he looked around for a moment and Essek understood.

“Leave it wherever.” He instructed, slightly embarrassed by his own failure.

The scarf was promptly dropped and Caleb came back to him, cupping his face with both hands before diving in for another kiss. Essek leaned into it, palms running over Caleb’s chest, exploring. He then felt the sweet warmth of Caleb’s hands leave his cheeks as they began toying with the clasps of his mantle. Essek stilled his own movements, hands coming to rest on Caleb’s hips.

He was mildly disappointed to hear the clasps be undone within seconds, leaving him to remain alone in his ineptitude of undressing his lover. No solidarity to be had.

“You had practice.” Essek whispered, pulling away just to utter those words to Caleb, breath dancing over his lips.

“Only once.” Caleb reminded with an amused tone before moving on to pull the mantle off Essek’s shoulders. It dropped to the floor with a thud.

“You’re a quick study.” Essek breathed, feeling a little more vulnerable without the mantle protecting his form. He leaned his body closer to Caleb’s as if it might grant him protection from the outside world.

Caleb’s arms were quick to aid him, wrapping around his body once more to hold him close. “Well, then just let me put my learned material to use.”

Before Essek could process the suggestive edge in Caleb’s voice or reply with a witty remark, he found his mouth caught in another kiss. And, by the light, Essek was certain that he would never tire of Caleb’s lips.

Caleb’s coat joined the mantle and scarf, as did both Essek’s and Caleb’s boots as they made their way over to the bed, punctuating steps with kisses and gripping and tugging and touching. Parting to get a bit closer to their destination, but never straying too far, always coming back to each other. “One moment.” Caleb finally whispered, releasing Essek to take off his book harness.

As he did so, Essek took the opportunity to climb onto his bed, to the center. He sat, legs tucked beside him, propped up with one arm and he watched Caleb. The kissing and tugging and pulling had already ruined his neat display and made him a disheveled mess. And Essek loved it. He adored the way Caleb looked when he was starting to unwind. Adored that he was the one making it happen.

Caleb turned to him and immediately, his face lit up with a smile. “Are you going to beckon me to come over?” Caleb chuckled in that absolutely heart-stopping way he did as he approached.

“I see no need since you’re already coming here on your own.” Essek smirked.

“Ah, true. Shall I go back over there so that I can be properly beckoned…?” He teased with an amused smile as he crawled onto the bed, over to Essek.

“Don’t you dare walk away from me now, Widogast.” Essek sat up, took Caleb’s face with both of his hands and pulled him into a kiss.

Caleb shifted, sitting down on the bed. Essek felt himself drawn to Caleb, the need and desire of _closer_ whispering sweetly in his ear. Breaking the kiss as little as possible he moved over, finding Caleb’s lap to sit in, straddling him in the process with one leg on either side of his body.

Immediately, Caleb strengthened the position, wrapping his arms around Essek’s waist to pull him close and hold him tight, pressing their upper bodies as closely together as they could go. Essek’s arms came to rest loosely around Caleb’s shoulders, his head was tilted down to accommodate the kiss. He adored this. Pressed so closely to Caleb, sitting in his lap, being held and kissing, kissing, _kissing_ him like the world would have burned if he hadn’t.

He kissed with vigor and need, tugging and pushing into the kiss in fluid motions. It was like doing magic. Like the finest spellcraft. Like they pushed and pulled on the arcane strings around him, so did they move into their shared kiss. And Essek _felt_ like he was doing magic, like there was the energy of it crackling through his veins and over his skin. And he felt Caleb’s magic, too – the fire, he heat, the passion of a roaring flame.

As their bodies moved into each other, the need grew and Essek felt _hunger_. His thoughts became a little more distant to his mind, an unnecessary thing to maintain as all he wanted was to feel, to touch. To experience that heat and satisfy that need for _more._

Essek felt heat grow and collect in his gut and his pants began to feel a little more constrictive and the push of Caleb’s body against his was just a little better than it had been a moment ago and he wanted _more, more, more_ so he moved into him, rolling his hips and Caleb made the most delightful sound so he did it again.

It was that feeling of _more_ that made him run his hands down Caleb’s sides in search for the hem of his shirt. And it was that feeling of _more_ that made him tug and pull on it without any semblance of patience. Caleb pulled away and withdrew his arms from their perfect position around Essek’s waist and instead helped taking off his shirt. And then within moments the garment was somewhere else, probably on the ground, Essek didn’t care as he was now staring at Caleb’s bare chest.

His eyes flickered up to Caleb’s face as he noticed Caleb looking at him, cheeks flushed, pupils wide, lips swollen and red.

“You are absolutely stunning…” Essek muttered as he began to run his hands over Caleb’s perfect imperfect skin, fingertips brushing over marks and scars and spots and he swore to himself that he would not leave a single one unattended.

Caleb shuddered and breathed shakily under the touch, coaxing Essek to continue. Essek traced all the curves and angles, sometimes looking at the path of his fingers, other times looking back up at Caleb to see his wanting expression.

He felt the friction of the hair on Caleb’s chest against his fingers and he found that he loved it. He then trailed his fingertips over the curve of Caleb’s collarbones when he noticed something.

“Your necklace…” He muttered and only then did he hear how raw his voice sounded.

“Ah, ja, don’t worry about it.” Caleb replied. “A story for another time.”

_Another time_. “Of course…” Essek smiled as he continued his slow tactile exploration of Caleb’s upper body. He knew he had seen it before, touched it before. He knew that it was nothing new to his senses. But he had never experienced it like this. Had never taken the time or opportunity to touch and trail and really see. But now that he did, he only found Caleb more striking.

His revelry was interrupted when he felt Caleb’s hands fumbling with the hem of his shirt and decided to return the favor given earlier by helping him take it off. It, too, joined the other garments in some location that did not matter anymore. Immediately, Essek found Caleb’s eyes on him, taking in the sight of him. He had been told he was handsome, before. Had been told he was attractive. And he knew himself to be. But, by all the blessed deities, no one had ever made him _feel_ this beautiful.

The way Caleb looked at him like he was a work of art. The way his eyes traveled his body as though he was mapping it out, as though he wanted to miss no curve or angle.

“You’re gorgeous…” Caleb muttered and he ran his hands up Essek’s sides, causing him to shiver lightly.

“You’ve seen me before.” Essek reminded gently.

“Ja, but I never got to explore…” Caleb leaned in and Essek felt hot breath on his neck and shuddered again. “I always wanted to explore…” Caleb kissed his neck then and Essek breathed out heavily. He felt Caleb’s hands running over his back. “Do you, ah… have enough clothes with high collars?” Caleb asked and Essek understood the implication.

“Don’t worry about that. Not now.” Essek requested.

“Gladly.” And with that Caleb pressed his lips onto the delicate skin of Essek’s neck and kissed.

Essek allowed his hitched breaths and moans to drip to Caleb’s ears. Caleb began to suck in earnest and Essek moaned and shut his eyes, wrapping his arms loosely around his other again. He focused entirely on the sensation of Caleb’s lips against his neck. On the trail of kisses, the occasional harsher tugging, the stroking of breath against his skin.

The heat in his gut grew and Essek couldn’t help it as he rolled his hips into Caleb again, want and desire growing more and more into something that was becoming difficult to ignore. Caleb moaned into the side of his neck with the movement and began to add his own, their bodies moving into each other with want and need.

Apparently growing equally impatient, Caleb’s hands began to fumble with the buckle of Essek’s belt, opening it after a few seconds. Though reluctant to pause any of what they were doing, Essek moved from Caleb’s lap and away from his searching mouth to remove his pants and undergarments and drop them onto the floor. As he turned back, Caleb visibly took in the sight of his naked and aroused form. “Gods, you’re-“ He choked out, unable to finish the statement. But his expression finished the rest of it for him.

“So are you, Caleb…”

Caleb managed to tear his eyes away and began to work on his own pants. He removed them and his smallclothes and put all of it with the rest of the clothing somewhere beyond the bed. Essek observed him. He felt his breath coming in heavy as he looked at Caleb’s growing erection. He swallowed and, that moment, he knew what he wanted to do.

Essek swallowed a second time but it did nothing to dislodge that feeling in his throat. “I want you in my mouth.” His eyes met Caleb’s.

Caleb stared at him for a moment. “Ja, please, I-, I would- yes, please.” He stammered. Essek moved back over to him and placed his hands on Caleb’s knees, gently coaxing his legs apart, before settling in between them.

He then went in for another kiss. Caleb reciprocated, hands finding the sides of Essek’s face to hold him close. As he gave in to the fluidity of the kiss, Essek took Caleb’s shoulders and gently began to push him backwards, into the sheets before propping himself up with his arms on either side of him. He withdrew from Caleb’s lips and began to trail little kisses, light as feathers, down to the crook of his neck. He paused. “Can I-“

“Ja. Please.”

Essek nodded and found a spot that made Caleb shiver as he pressed his lips against it. Right there he began to suck, drawing a broken moan from Caleb’s lips. He then found a different spot to repeat this act, adding more and more potential hickeys to give each other company on the pale freckled skin of Caleb’s neck and shoulders.

Satisfied that Caleb was going to be bearing some reminders of this night, Essek then continued his journey, kissing all the marks and scars he found on his way, appreciating every single one and hoping that Caleb would feel that appreciation with the press of his lips and the heat of his breath. He kissed Caleb lower and lower, feeling nervousness and anticipation thrumming in unison in his veins. As he reached Caleb’s hips he lifted his head and leaned back to look his lover over another time. Gods, he was divine. Beautiful and red and flushed and imperfectly perfect and hot and _wanting._ “You are… stunning. I find myself want for breath.”

Caleb averted his eyes. “I, ah- I suppose I have gotten a bit better since we met.”

“No.” Essek shook his head. “That is not enough. You are absolutely gorgeous. Beautiful. Divine. You’ve always been.” He insisted. “Always…” He repeated and bent over, lips finding the soft skin of Caleb’s inner thigh. “From the start…” And he kissed him there and Caleb shivered at the connection. “I’ve thought you beautiful from the start.” Another kiss, then another and another. And all further deflections died on Caleb’s tongue, replaced by unsteady breaths and quiet moans.

Essek let his hands run over Caleb’s legs lazily as he pressed his lips into the soft skin again and again, sometimes following the press of a lips with sucking to leave yet more marks. Caleb reacted and responded to each tiny motion, sensitive to each touch and Essek loved it. His eyes flickered to Caleb’s hard length as he put adoring bruises on his thighs and eventually, he was unable to keep his desire at bay.

He moved closer and took Caleb’s hard and heavy erection into his hand. A wave of movement rolled through Caleb’s body at the connection and he started to grip for something to hold onto, eventually finding it in the sheets beneath him. Essek bent over and started to place kisses along the side of his length, starting at the base and slowly working his way to the tip. He watched Caleb’s face – bright red, mouth open and eyes closed. Wordless breaths and moans on his tongue.

Essek savored each second and drew each motion out for as long as he could. He enjoyed the taste, the heat, the connection, each and every tiny sensation. He added his tongue to the kisses more and more until he finally licked Caleb in long, heated motions. He felt Caleb’s muscles tense and relax and couldn’t help the pride he felt as he drew more and more responses from his lover. He put his lips over the tip and sucked before letting his tongue lap at and flick it, making Caleb inhale sharply. That want for _more_ still brewed within him, a constant rumbling urge fueling his every move.

So Essek caught Caleb’s eyes and began to slide his mouth down over his hard length. It was hot against his tongue and he lowered himself further and further, tasting and relishing each inch. Essek wished he would have made it all the way down but before he could, he felt the resistance in his throat and had to stop. He hoped Caleb didn’t mind. Though, considering how he tensed and all but writhed against the sheets, Essek was relatively sure he didn’t.

Essek hollowed out his cheeks, sucking intently and Caleb’s muscles locked up in response and a loud moan ripped itself free from his throat.

Spurred on, Essek then started to move, sliding his mouth up and down at a slow pace. He pressed his tongue flatly against Caleb while his hand squeezed where his lips would not reach. Caleb shifted under the attention and Essek felt a hand in his short hair, gripping on tightly as if holding on for dear life. There was no push or pull from it, no direction. It just clung and Essek continued at his own leisure. Slow at first, but building up a pace and drinking in the moment.

Essek loved it. He loved every single moment, every tiny detail of it. It wasn’t just how he felt more and more heat curling in his gut or how he felt himself hard and wanting and full of anticipation. It was the pleasure of making someone he so _adored_ feel good. And it was the closeness of it all. His own need increased with each second, but moreso with each sound that Caleb gifted him, each response, each indication that he was as taken by the moment as Essek was, if not more.

Essek’s pace was steadily increasing and becoming more rapid as he tasted precum on his tongue. He moved with less coordination just up and down, one hand clinging to Caleb’s leg as he worked to get him closer and closer-

“Orange.”

And then he froze. He looked up, not having noticed that his eyes had closed until just then.

“Sorry, I- I’m not going to last and I don’t want to be done, already…” Caleb explained, speech disturbed and torn to bits by heavy breaths. He let go off Essek’s hair.

Essek would have loved to taste all of Caleb, to swallow every last drop of him, but he understood. There were so many other beautiful things to do. So he pulled away, sitting back on his heels. He offered a gentle smile. “Of course.” He felt his own voice hoarse in his throat.

He watched as Caleb breathed out heavily, wiping one hand over his face. He watched the rise and fall of his chest before Caleb found it in himself to sit up. “I, ah, loved it, though.” He volunteered. He reached out to cup Essek’s cheek, pulled him closer, and gave him another kiss. And one became two. And two became more and within moments everything was hot lips and tongues again. Hands on skin and in hair and gripping, holding, stroking, pulling. Loving, appreciating, and, by the gods, _wanting._ Desperately wanting.

Essek reveled in every inch that Caleb explored of him every curve and angle his hands found. He hadn’t had the pleasure of feeling Caleb discover him so wholly before. His hands were calloused, roughed up from travel. But his touch was gentle, appreciative. Like he was handling something of great value, of great worth. Loving and smart. Caleb touched Essek like he handled magic. With love and care and the utmost adoration.

Essek pulled away and leaned his forehead against Caleb’s. Their noses brushed against each other. “What do you want…?” He asked and his voice had a dark, longing undercurrent.

“Hmm…” Caleb pondered and Essek felt fingertips trailing up the curve of his spine. “I just, ah, want to feel you and see you and hear you, I don’t care which way…” His voice trailed off.

“Do you not want anything in particular?” Essek found blue eyes to stare into as he spoke.

“Not really, I just want to be close to you.” Caleb explained. “But, ah, if you would like a suggestion…”

“Yes?” Essek felt his heart thrum.

Caleb averted his eyes but kept his forehead gently pressing against Essek’s. “I, ah, liked it when you were in my lap. Perhaps we could try…”

“Yes.” The word shot from Essek’s lips without hesitation, the image Caleb had placed in his head far too convincing to hold back. “I would… I would love for you to have me like that…”

“That is… yes.” Caleb looked back at him then. “Do you want me to… open you up or would you rather…”

“I want you to do it.” Essek breathed, the pitch of his voice almost a plea. “I would, please-“ He nodded.

“Okay, ja, yes, I would love to.”

Essek smiled and he didn’t know what this nervousness building inside him was but Caleb returned the smile and he found to be a soothing wave washing over him. It was strange how they both appeared somewhat nervous about all of it. They had done this before. They had done much _more_ than this before. And yet, it was so different and new.

Trying to move things along, he leaned over and reached for his nightstand but found himself too far away to get to the drawer.

“Let me.” Caleb offered as he was closer to it. Essek nodded and Caleb opened the drawer, fished around in it and produced a small vial. “This?”

Essek nodded. “Want me to…” He shifted.

“Come here, yes.”

It took a bit of doing and re-positioning to connect their bodies in a way that seemed to align with what each of them had in mind. Caleb shifted his legs multiple times, each time quietly apologizing to Essek who did his best to soothe those worries away. Overall, the process elicited multiple nervous-amused chuckles and smiles from both of them. Essek realized that, though it certainly had the potential to, it wasn’t awkward. Not really. He felt comfortable and safe. Safe to be a little unprepared. To have no plan. To figure things out on the go.

Eventually Caleb was situated with crossed legs and Essek in his lap, torsos pressed together. Essek was straddling him. As soon as they slotted into the position, it felt incredibly intimate. The press of skin, the warm pressure against his erection and all the signs of life he felt – the breathing, the heartbeat and every nervous tremor in Caleb’s form.

Essek leaned his head against Caleb’s, arms wrapped loosely around his shoulders. He felt him starting to fumble with something behind his back, he could tell by the way Caleb’s arms moved. It was strange not to observe and know what was going on. He could not be sure what Caleb’s hands were doing. But he trusted him and somehow knowing that he didn’t really have to worry or care and could just wait was… relaxing.

“Ready?” Caleb finally asked in a low and quiet tone.

“Yes.” Essek breathed and he shifted once more, moving his legs and hips, elevating himself with his own strength so that Caleb could reach around him properly.

He gasped as he felt Caleb’s fingers navigating the curve of his ass and, moments later, pressing with slicked up tips against his entrance. Essek swallowed and felt his hold on Caleb becoming a little more tense. The impulse to push himself down onto Caleb’s hand surged through him but he fought it back, wanting to let Caleb take his time, as well as the lead.

With his fingers situated, Caleb wrapped his free arm around Essek’s waist. He ran his fingertip over Essek’s entrance, teasing him with almost no pressure to the touch. Essek shivered and trembled and his hold grew even more tense. His breathing became more labored with need.

And then, finally, Caleb pushed his finger in and Essek moaned, holding onto the urge to move. Caleb pushed in slowly, deeper and deeper until his finger could go no further. Then, in a drawn out, long motion, he curled it and Essek’s body tensed as another sound escaped him. Caleb continued this motion, repeating it again and again, then coupled it with a gentle, repetitive thrust and Essek began to feel his unattended erection harder and hotter and needier than before, still sandwiched between their bodies.

Caleb continued his easy pace and Essek got lost in it, allowing little noises of pleasure to fall from his lips as he was completely taken by the sensations. Caleb’s hot skin against his, the familiar fireplace scent, the sound of Caleb’s gentle breathing and the subtle feeling of his heartbeat against his skin. And that repetitive, gentle motion inside of him. There was not a thought on his mind, he was a mess of sensations, feelings and desires and he loved it. “Caleb…” He whispered the name, having nothing else to say. Caleb added another finger and Essek tensed again, one of his hands found Caleb’s hair to grip at.

“Is this okay…?” Caleb breathed and the dark edge to his tone was not lost on Essek and it made that hot, lava-like feeling in his gut flare.

Essek leaned back to look at Caleb’s face, seeing hazy, lust-filled eyes which, he was sure, were mirroring his own quite well. “Yes…” Essek responded, his voice airy. “More than… more than okay.”

Pleased, Caleb pulled Essek closer again and Essek returned to holding on tightly. He continued to moan and shift and respond as Caleb kept going. He wasn’t sure how much time they spent like this, but it was longer than was, strictly speaking, necessary. But with the closeness, the raw intimacy and shared heat, he didn’t want to interrupt. Caleb had allowed him to let go and he embraced that offer fully.

“… This should be… how do you feel?” Caleb finally asked and the gentle check-in made something light flutter in Essek’s chest.

“Yes, I’m ready, please…” Essek all but pleaded, though the tone was more affectionate than anything else.

Caleb gave a nod. He gently withdrew his fingers and then guided Essek’s hips just as carefully. Essek allowed him to, letting himself be moved and pulled however Caleb desired him. Wordlessly, Caleb then began to guide him down and Essek lowered himself until he felt the tip of Caleb’s length push against him. He let his eyes fall shut again, focusing on that feeling, that point of contact between them. And with Caleb’s soft, wordless coaxing, he moved downward.

The sensation hit and Essek moaned. “Gods…” He kept going, moving slowly, controlled, feeling each inch inside of him and listening to the quiet noises of pleasure that escaped his lover’s mouth. He found it hard to breathe, found it hard to do much of anything except revel in the feeling of Caleb inside of him and pursue it further and further. He didn’t pause until he was fully sitting in Caleb’s lap. For a moment, he remained like that. His mouth was wide open as he felt so wonderfully _full_ with Caleb inside of him.

He then shifted to then wrap his legs around Caleb to feel him even closer, to not let any air hover unclaimed between them. His arms were still around Caleb’s neck and he moved them so that he could hold onto the back of his head. One of Caleb’s arms was around him, hand on his back. The other now moved to his hip to hold him, give him support. They were so close, so intimate. They shared heat and breath and no twitch in either of their bodies went unnoticed by the other.

Essek moved a hand to tilt up Caleb’s head to meet him in a kiss. It was heated and passionate and close and adoring. Essek’s world became the feeling of Caleb against him and around him and inside of him. He pulled away just a bit, remaining close. “You are everything, Caleb.” Essek murmured, overcome with lust and love and a million other things at once. “You are absolutely everything.”

Before Caleb could respond, Essek started to move his hips in a rolling motion. A stuttered breath slipped through his lips, matching Caleb’s. The motion proved a little difficult and Essek planted his feet to try and get a better angle. Caleb aided him, holding his hips and steadying him as much as possible. And so Essek moved in slow motions, face less than a breath away from Caleb’s, holding onto him and feeling his arms holding and supporting him in turn. He was so close, he felt Caleb so incredibly close and intimate and if he had the mind to try and describe it that very moment he still would not have had the words.

It was a little uncoordinated, the whole thing. The position was unfamiliar and unpracticed and there were probably better ways to have accomplished it. But it didn’t matter. Because as he moved and felt his lover deep inside of him, it was perfect. Feeling Caleb’s head and hair beneath his palms, feeling his breath on his lips or his mouth crushed against them, feeling skin on skin and radiating heat and the steady fluid sensation of him buried inside.

Essek exhaled honest noises of affection. It was a slow pace, a subtle movement. It felt good. Intimate. Romantic. And Essek reveled in it. How utterly Caleb was _his_ in that moment. He was _his_ without any orders given, without any submission claimed. He was just _his_. Just like that.

But eventually, that desire for _more_ lit up again and Essek tried to make his movements more pronounced and faster, tried to build up a quick and steady pace.

Caleb – bless his wit – noticed and put one hand behind himself to try and give himself support to push upward with. But it didn’t quite work. It felt amazing, but it wasn’t quite enough, and Essek was sure that there was a way, a shift, an angle to get this working toward getting both of them where they needed to go. But that moment, he wasn’t finding it and Caleb wasn’t, either, it seemed and the need was growing heavier and heavier each moment that they were not getting it to work the way it had to.

“I have-“ Caleb choked out as he ceased his own movements. “I have gravely underestimated this, ah, endeavor…” He admitted, looking away from Essek as if ashamed.

“That’s okay, so have I…” Essek tilted Caleb’s face back toward him, his own speech plucked apart by heavy breaths. “But I loved it…” He said, panting. “ If you want… you can push me onto my back…?” He offered, words dripping with desire.

“I will not push you, but I would… really like you on your back.” Caleb admitted.

Essek gave him one long, deep kiss before adjusting his legs to lift himself off of Caleb slowly and carefully. He kissed him once more and shifted around the bed. Finally, he laid back into the pillows, tugging Caleb with himself by his shoulders as he felt the soft sheets against his back. As he lowered himself, he spread his legs to give Caleb space in between them. He had no time to draw out the motions anymore, to make things long and seductive.

Caleb pulled away, now hovering over Essek, and gave him a troubled look. “I apologize that-“

“Don’t.” Essek stopped him. “Not for that. Never for that. It was beautiful and I adored it.”

Caleb smiled softly, most of the trouble fading away. “Alright...” He withdrew to sit and Essek took the opportunity to take a pillow and put it below his hips, giving him some elevation.

Anticipation and need were bubbling under his skin. He had meant it when he had said that he loved the slow, romantic moments in Caleb’s lap but it had only made the heat hotter and the need greater and now he was waiting, aching for release.

Caleb must have felt it too as he wasted no time, either. He aligned himself before thankfully, mercifully, finally pushing in again. He came back to linger over Essek, one hand planted on each side of him, finding Essek’s eyes with his own to look into as he pushed in slowly. Essek wrapped his legs around Caleb’s body to bring them together closer again, to reclaim as much of the intimacy as possible.

Without hesitation, Caleb thrusted in as deep as he could and Essek closed his eyes, a loud moan escaping him. He quickly opened them again, not wanting to miss a second of watching his beautiful, divine, perfect lover. He reached up to pull Caleb down and close by the back of his neck, craving closeness, a shared breath, as much of his skin against his own as he could get.

Caleb withdrew a little only to thrust back in, drawing another noise from Essek which he muffled by crushing their lips together. Caleb began to roll his hips into Essek in a steady building rhythm that allowed Essek’s thoughts to leave his mind again, a haze to take over, and for him to drift in pleasure and love and closeness and everything else. He felt like he was floating between the comfortable weight of his other on top of him, between hot lips and hotter breaths, between moans and gasps and shivering and tensed muscles and every tiny thing that happened in each second.

And he loved. He looked at Caleb and he loved, loved, _loved_ him so deeply and so fully and with everything that he had and he was amazed and almost scared by how much love there was to feel. By how much adoration and affection he had to offer. And he felt all of it so strongly and fully that moment, so bright and hopeful and wonderful that he thought his chest might burst.

“You’re so beautiful…” Caleb gasped out between his own set of moans and breaths.

Essek wanted to respond but he had nothing but a strangled breath to offer. Apparently coaxed on, Caleb increased his pace even further and Essek could feel that he was close, so close. He felt his erection, pressed in between their bodies, felt the echoes of Caleb’s thrusts with the friction of his skin. And it was good, _so good_ , but not quite enough. So he withdrew one of his arms from Caleb to reach down and add that last bit he needed. But Caleb noticed and caught his hand, shifting his weight onto his other arm. He kissed Essek’s knuckles as best he could in between moans and movement.

“Let me…” He then murmured.

He released his hand again and reached down in between them. He lifted himself up a little further for better access and then Essek felt a warm hand wrap around his erection. The fingers were still slick with oil and a thumb teased at his tip. Essek jerked his hips upwards involuntarily before Caleb began to pump him in time with the movement of his thrusting hips.

And oh, _oh,_ Essek knew that instant that he only had a few moments left. His hands gripped at Caleb’s hair, his thighs squeezed his other more tightly.

And then, all at once, he arched his back, muscles locking up and he moaned loudly, the noise chopped off into small pieces interspersed with nothingness as his breath came out in jagged bits. And it was divine. This tense, breathless feeling, this rush of euphoria and pleasure and release and it lasted, gods, how long he did not know, but it lasted as Caleb continued to pump him and thrust into him. Essek clung and clung and clung to Caleb with everything he had as heat and affection burst in his every cell.

And then he dropped back down into the sheets, grip loosening and he felt his release on his body and felt like the world – temporarily shut out – came back into existence around him. Caleb thrusted in a few more times and Essek could feel him getting close by the way he tensed and moved and he could tell that Caleb was about to pull out so with his last bit of energy he pulled him in close with his legs wrapped around him, hold tightening one final time.

“Essek-“ Caleb choked out and then Essek felt heat shooting into him and he found that he loved that, too. Caleb continued to thrust, though less controlled, for a few more moments as his face was frozen in a vision of pleasure and his own body was tense and stiff. Essek stared up at Caleb, memorizing, intending to never forget this face, this moment, this entire night. Not a second of it. Not ever.

Caleb reclaimed control over his body as heavy, panting breaths tore through him and Essek let his legs drop away. It took Caleb a few more moments before he managed to withdraw, settling back into the sheets in between Essek’s legs.

They looked at each other for a very long, very hazy moment, wordless pants shared between them. Right then, Essek wondered just what kind of spellcraft Caleb had to have practiced to become progressively more beautiful right before his eyes.

Essek noticed that he was thinking to himself with his lover still sitting there. So he began to scoot over onto his side of the bed, freeing up the other half. He patted it gently as words were still eluding him.

Caleb gave a smile and moved to claim it. With a soft content expression he let himself collapse into the sheets beside Essek, staring at him.

Staring at him from his side of the bed.

“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> . . . <3
> 
> One more to go, my friends. Thank you for all the support. You are wonderful. 
> 
> PS: This wizard romance has been brought to you by The Moon.


	24. Will you stay tonight?

-

Essek couldn’t take his eyes off of Caleb Widogast.

It was a familiar realization. He caught himself eyeing each of his subtle movements, taking in his lasting, content expression and reveling in their shared gaze as they laid there in blessed silence. It was, simply put, wonderful.

Staring into bright blue, Essek was overcome with a strange sensation, detached from time itself. He remembered. How he once had looked upon a stranger, an odd curiosity in the midst of his Queen’s throne room, walking with a demeanor that was not his but fit him well. And how, now, he was looking at that same individual and saw someone close and trusted. A curiosity, still, but a known one, there with him in the privacy and sanctity of his bedroom.

It was amazing, it always had been, how fully Caleb could command his attention. He required no Beacon to hold aloft, no weird band of adventurers to surround him. With nothing but a look, nothing but a gentle smile, he drew Essek’s focus and dimmed all surroundings into unimportance.

He held onto Essek’s attention with that ever-present curiosity, that knowledge, that intellect that was flickering behind his eyes even then. Like an undying flame that needed no wood to burn, no spark to ignite. Just this unfaltering thing that had drawn Essek in and not let him go. Had not released him, not even in this very moment. Where Essek existed beside the body that housed that magnificent mind, still divine in all its imperfections. It felt… surreal. Unrealistic, perhaps.

Fate was a chaotic, strange creature. Its whims never to be discerned by someone like Essek. But for all the bad that his initial attraction to a turncoat Empire wizard had brought him, it had eventually led him here, as well. To this moment. This quiet, beautiful moment that made his heart sing.

The silence between them was easy and light. It filled the room like the air itself, noticed more in absence than in presence. And there was no movement, no rush. The only thing that stirred, aside from them every once in a while, was the glow of candles, their light dancing over skin, getting caught in hair and reflected by eyes. It was peaceful.

For the first time in decades Essek’s thoughts were quiet. They did not scream, they did not moan. They were not infiltrated by anxiety or panic, were untainted by paranoia or fear. They were quiet. As he laid there and stared at his other, his lover, finally, _finally_ his true match. Nothing disturbed his easy consciousness or tore through what felt like a pure, cherished thing.

Instead, Essek was completely taken by the moment with no past or future to think of. He was enveloped by its easiness, its feeling of security. By the company that it offered.

And that moment, that one moment, he noticed that he understood the meaning of the word ‘bliss’.

As he laid there with his other in this infinite transient piece of time. Lingering in complete mutual silence, bound by a shared gaze, a shared breath, a shared memory and a feeling that radiated from Caleb like a warm glow, seeping into Essek’s chest.

Essek was captivated. Lost. He did not mind.

Caleb’s soft content expression changed as his lips curled into a more pronounced smile. Essek observed as tiny wrinkles appeared in the corners of his eyes. And before he knew it, he found himself mirroring the smile wholeheartedly.

“I don’t think I have ever seen you looking this, ah, content.” Caleb stirred the silence with words like ripples on a resting pond. His tone was gentle, it felt like a feather caressing Essek’s skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake.

“That would make sense.” Essek replied, his voice equally soft. “As I have never been this content before. Well... Not that I can recall, at least.”

“Ah.” Caleb’s smile lit up a little brighter. “I think I know how you feel. I have not felt, ah, at ease in a very long time, either.” He reached out, a moment of hesitation making his hand flinch, before he placed it on top of Essek’s in the space between them. “It feels … not quite real, almost, to be here. I- I fear that if I blink in the wrong moment, all of this will be gone.”

Essek examined their hands briefly, letting the sensation of _right_ that accompanied the touch settle in his heart. “I believe I know what you mean. But, ah, I don’t think this moment will pass as quickly as within a blink.” He looked up at Caleb’s face. “Or, at least, I will do anything in my power to prevent that. For as long as you want this to last, I will try to make it so.”

Caleb appeared taken aback by his words for a moment. He then averted his eyes, but the easy smile remained. “You are… quite the romantic, did you know that?”

Heat gathered in Essek’s cheeks. “Am I…?”

“Ja. You are.” Amusement colored Caleb’s tone. “I, ah- Sorry, I did not mean to make you uncomfortable. But I like this side of you. Just like, well, like the other sides.”

Essek smiled through his embarrassment. He couldn’t really argue with the claim, though he wasn’t sure what to think of it. He had never gotten the chance to realize, let alone explore, a romantic side of himself. “Well, I am in good company, at least.” Caleb looked back at him. “Unless I am supposed to ignore that you had us go to my roof, with a view of the city and a place under the clear starry sky. That that was the location you picked to try and profess your feelings.”

“Ah, that was more…” Caleb paused. “I hoped to go to a location that was not too strongly affiliated with memories that we- Memories that you and I created. The atmosphere was a bonus.”

“I refuse to believe that you did not know what it would be like up there when you asked me to go.” Essek teased.

Caleb’s smile twitched, his gaze fixed back on their hands. “Like I said, it was a bonus.” He relented. Then his expression shifted into one of thought, as he seemed to consider his next words. The creases smoothed out as he raised his voice again, even softer than before. “But now that I have experienced it first hand with- with you, I would not mind going up there again sometime. It seems like, hm, like a pleasant spot to read, yes?” He hesitated, still not looking at Essek, before he added. “In good company, at least.”

A powerful thrum dominated Essek’s heart. “Yes... Yes, it does. It would make for a splendid location to read.”

“It is-” Caleb’s voice hinted at uncertainty. “It is a date, then.”

Essek felt his own smile brighten. “Yes. It’s a date. Though, you know, you need not lure me onto a rendezvous to see me. We are beyond that particular stage of courtship, I believe.”

“Perhaps.” Caleb agreed. “But perhaps- Perhaps I think it would be nice, regardless. More than- Much more than ‘nice’. ‘Nice’ is such a- It would be more than that.” He stammered. “I don’t want to impose, though. I will- I understand if reading together is not something you are still interested in.”

“Of course I’m still interested. I will gladly continue- or, I suppose, return to doing that with you.” Essek assured, trying not to show just how relieved the suggestion had made him. “I only meant to tell you that you are under no obligation to do anything like that with me. Or to ask me for something like that. I have no expectations of you, new or old. You have no duty to fulfill. The, ah, feelings do not change my perception of that.”

“I never thought of it as an obligation.” Caleb insisted, finally looking back at Essek. “I am, ah, being selfish. Acting based on nothing but emotions. Selfish, self-indulgent emotions.”

Essek moved his hand from underneath Caleb’s to take a hold of it instead. “Good.” He noticed a slight shiver coursing through Caleb’s form. With the heat of the previous moments having dissipated, the bedroom had become relatively cold. Not wishing to disturb the moment any more than necessary, Essek drew on his Dunamantic power to tug a blanket closer and then over them ever so gently. He felt the fabric brush lightly over his exposed skin and continued to pull until both of them were covered up to just below their shoulders. “I hope this is okay.”

Caleb’s ever-curios eyes indicated that it was more than okay, flickering between the moving sheet and Essek, taking in the magical feat with a perceptive gaze. Finally, the curiosity brimmed over and turned into words. “Is that difficult to learn?” He asked and Essek could see that, behind those blue eyes, calculations were being done, likely an estimation of how quickly he could learn such a trick. And, gods, was there anything more endearing?

Essek chuckled. “Not very. I can keep it in mind as, shall we say, material, for our next study session. Should we get to share another one of those.”

Caleb shifted a little, getting comfortable underneath the blanket. “I would appreciate that very much. Though, I do not know where that would bring the tally of favors owed at this point.” Essek could tell from the tone of voice that he did not seriously expect him to name him a number. Not that he would have had any intention of doing so.

“I think you know as well as me that that has become somewhat irrelevant in recent weeks.” Essek reminded as he moved closer to Caleb.

“I suppose. Though, I did not want to presume that you were still going to teach me things.” Caleb admitted. “I was- I guess, I _am_ not sure where we stand on… most matters. This moment feels like a pause, of a sort, from everything else.”

“That is fair.” Essek agreed, though he did not want to think too long on that. This moment, this shared thing, felt fragile enough as it was. “Well, I would very much enjoy if we could still read and study together. And I certainly do not mind teaching you one or two spells from time to time… Though I must still be very careful about what and how much I share with you.” He narrowed his eyes for a moment as he considered his options. “This is not to speak of distrust for you or anything of the sort. And it is not for lack of desire on my part to share this magic. But each spell taught is still a risk… I hope that you understand.”

“I do.” Caleb said softly. “You don’t have to explain. I was not expecting you to, ah, suddenly grant me access to your whole spellbook because of this night.” He gave a mild, humored smile.

“Just as I would never demand access to yours.”

“Not that there is much for you to learn from it.” Caleb laughed wryly.

Essek frowned softly. He could tell that it was meant as a joke, though it was clear how much Caleb believed in its meaning nonetheless. “You give yourself too little credit. I have seen your ability. Did I not once tell you that I was very interested in the tricks you had to offer?”

“Ah, I suppose you did.” Caleb squeezed his hand beneath the covers. “But I thought that you were, ah, flirting. Not showing genuine interest in my magical abilities.”

“Could I not have been doing both?” Essek inquired.

Caleb paused. “I guess.”

“Well, it was supposed to be both.” Essek insisted. “I was most certainly flirting. But I was, and I still am, very curious about your spellcraft, as well. You have a fascinating mind, Caleb. It is… truly unique. It is what, er- what made me…” Heat flared up in his cheeks once more and he avoided looking at Caleb’s face as he felt genuine emotion bubble up in his throat. “It caught my interest very quickly.”

Caleb lingered in silence for a moment. “…Thank you.” There was hesitance to his voice. “I, ah, I am sure you know that I can reply in kind very easily. So, I am more than happy to continue, or, as you said, ‘return to’ all of our scholarly and arcane exchanges. But I’m afraid I can no longer promise the complete professionalism I promised you before.”

Essek smirked. “I would be very disappointed if you could. I cannot make such a promise either.”

A warm chuckle escaped Caleb and it set Essek’s heart on fire. There was a beat of silence that passed as Caleb looked at Essek, finding his eyes, before casting his gaze away again. He seemed to be contemplating something, yet again. Essek wished he could peer behind those eyes to watch the thoughts be formed and combined, see the hundreds of threads that Caleb seemed to be holding onto at any given moment. Caleb’s expression shifted into something more resigned. “I have not earned any of this. Any of this… whatever it is...” His voice was not sad, but there was a strain to it that had not been there before.

Essek was not fond of Caleb’s new conclusion and scared of any further ones his stream of consciousness might lead to. “Neither have I.” He pointed out, offering a solidarity and understanding that no one else could. “But, perhaps, just for this moment that does not matter.” He withdrew his hand from Caleb’s to reach up and cup his cheek. “Plunging ourselves into misery because something else feels unearned will not help anything, will it? So, perhaps, we can have this moment. This one, at least. Perhaps, right now, we can just be happy, yes?”

Caleb leaned into the touch. “I, ah… I think I can live with that. Very well, I mean.” He seemed to reconsider his words. “I would like that very much.”

“I’m glad.” Essek whispered as he stroked freckled skin with his thumb in an appreciative motion.

“As am I.” Caleb closed his eyes and hummed for a moment. “I am… relieved that you still wish to see me. In spite of everything.” His hand reached up to find Essek’s. “I know that I was the one who asked for more distance and who, ah, ended what we had before. But I never- Deep down, I never really wanted it. Part of me regretted it from the second I said it. So I am glad and relieved and thankful that you did not turn your back on me. That I get to be here right now.”

The admission sent a rush through Essek’s body. He felt another full, honest smile curl on his lips. “You are in luck, then. I have no interest in distancing myself. Or to turn you away. My happiness, currently, seems irrevocably tied to your proximity, my love.”

Caleb’s eyes widened at the nickname and something flickered within them. Something bright. His cheeks took on a slightly flushed hue. “So, ah, not to be too forward. But, if you got to, ah, how should I put it… If you were to sculpt the future after your design, would I- would I find myself in your bed again?”

Essek’s affectionate smile became tainted with mischief and turned into a smirk. “If that is something that you want. Yes. Most certainly.”

“I would.” Caleb nodded eagerly. “I would definitely- yes.” He cleared his throat. “If that is the case, however, what of, ah, what of the arrangement?” He looked away again, finding something on the blanket to stare at. “The dynamic?”

“Well,” Essek let his hand travel down from the side of Caleb’s face to his neck, fingertips trailing over a collection of hickeys. “I believe that is up to you. I very much enjoy it. And not only in a non-romantic context.” He paused. “Well, I suppose I have no experience in including something like that _in_ a romantic context. But I am certain I would like it. Likely, more than I do without combining it with feelings.” The additional trust that came with such infatuation, the openly shared emotions… it sounded as close to perfect as intimacy could be.

“I could see that, ja.”

“However, I do not require your submission to be physically interested in you. If you have no interest in pursuing the previous dynamic, we can abandon it in favor of something else.” Essek added quickly, not wanting to pressure Caleb or to close a door he wanted to remain open.

“Nein, I-“ Caleb smiled nervously. “I would like to continue it, too. I, ah, really enjoyed it and I think knowing that we both- that there is _more_ to it will make it better, somehow. We truly _are_ a good match in that regard, and I, er…” He began to fumble with the edge of the blanket and Essek withdrew his hand to give him space. “I really want to do that again and I, ah- well.”

Essek watched Caleb’s sudden display of nervousness. “If there is something you wish to say you can. I will not pass any judgment on you.” He coaxed gently.

“I know. I know that you will not judge me, I know. But, ah-“ Still, Caleb hesitated. “I meant to tell you that, should we find the time and moment for it, there are… things that I would be- that I would like for you- for _us_ to try. In that dynamic, I mean. Gods, this should not be this hard to say.”

“Oh?” Curiosity lit up in Essek’s mind. “I am intrigued. Do tell.”

“I, ah, yes. Some other time, okay? I promise. I, er- Right now I- I want to, ah, I just want to continue this.” Caleb gestured vaguely between them.

Oh, but curiosity was a persistent thing. Essek tried his best to ignore it, knowing better than to push the subject if Caleb didn’t want to discuss it. He was not going to pry. And Caleb had said he would share his thoughts later. Still, he felt that little flicker of interest remain. “Of course. We can discuss it whenever you feel like it.” But he would wait. And hope that there would be time to talk, to explore, to experience.

“Thank you.” Caleb smiled. “But, ah, overall: Yes, I would like to continue it. Would the, ah, the former rules apply? What we discussed back then? Or do you want to re-negotiate?”

Essek went over their previous conversation in his mind. “Well, I think that the point we made about not getting emotions involved is, ah, due for revision.”

“Ah, right.” Caleb smiled.

“But other than that – I see no need. The boundaries and interests remain the same, yes?”

“Ja, that is what I thought. Good.” Caleb agreed. He paused. “Though I do not mind if- if a night like this one was to be a recurring event, too. Without the roles.”

“Gladly.” Essek reached out and wrapped his arm loosely around Caleb’s waist. “I will be very happy to experience a few hours like this with you again, my love.”

That flicker appeared in Caleb’s eyes again, his cheeks flushed a little more.

“Is it alright if I call you that?” Essek asked.

“More than alright.” Caleb assented.

“What about something else, my light?” Essek cooed. “I want to find the right term. But I feel that a million names will not convey how I adore you, my life. I will have to find one that can show you how much you mean to me, my treasure. What if I tried to find the right one again and again?”

Caleb’s face became redder with each adoring nickname. There was a trembling smile on his lips as he looked away, eyes darting between focal points, never settling on one, seemingly pleased and nervous at the same time. “I, ah, I would- I would like that. But, ah, I will have to get used to it. I, ah- those are not the type of nickname I have been given recently.”

Essek stared at Caleb with his breath almost held. He felt a question on his tongue, marching toward his lips. And there was a hesitation to ask it. “Well, do you want to?” He gave in, his tone softening again.

“What do you mean?”

“What I mean is,” Essek started, feeling a sudden nervousness simmering in his veins after being buried under warmth and adoration for a while. “Are things like pet names and dates and sex and the combination of all of that something that you would like to get used to? Something that you would like to explore… with me?”

“Are you-“ Caleb swallowed and he met Essek’s eyes intently. “Essek. Are you asking me to be in a … a relationship with you?”

Essek drew in a breath. He closed his eyes, hoping to soothe his nerves. “I- I suppose?” He admitted, feeling his heart thrumming in his chest. “I do not know what to call it- whether that term is apt.” He dared to look at Caleb again. “But, yes, I suppose I am.”

“Well,” Caleb smiled in a small, yet disarming way. “Regardless of label, I would- I believe I would like that.” He said, but his tone was unsteady. “I would very much enjoy getting used to… to pet names from you, to being close to you again, and to sleeping with you like tonight or like any of the nights we had before. That, ah, that combination-“ He swallowed. “That offer is one that I would very much like to accept.” He admitted, nervousness dominating his voice. “If you are certain that you want to extend it to… someone like me.”

“Of course- I wouldn’t-,” Essek felt so many words come to him that none of them wanted to really be spoken. It took him a few seconds of haplessly mouthing syllables to finally put some into the air. “There is no one else I would want this with. Only you.” He paused, the faint anxiety still prickling in his nerves. “But are you certain? That you want this? That you want- That you would like all of that? You can take more time to contemplate it, if you would like to. I do not require an answer right this moment.”

“No, I… This is not something I have never thought about before.” Caleb admitted. “I have made my decision. And it is ‘yes’, Essek.” He sounded determined. “Whatever you wish to label it, if it is time spent with you then that is something that I want. Really, truly and fully want.”

Essek felt his heart tripling in speed, hammering so violently against his ribs that he was afraid they would break. “Gods.” He said, meaningful words dreadfully absent from his tongue for a moment of relief, of joy and excitement. His head tried to catch up with his heart to fully process what he had heard. “Gods, Caleb. I don’t- I- I want all of that. So- So much.” To learn all there was to learn about him, to know his mind and soul and everything down to his heart.

Joy and nervousness and relief mixed together in Essek’s heart, brimming over with love and adoration and he pulled Caleb close to kiss him. To capture that warmth, that closeness, that contact that he so desperately craved. Their lips found each other with a surge of heat and want and all-consuming euphoria. Essek kissed Caleb again and again and he kissed him with intent and need, like his life depended on it. And each motion was met with one in kind. Caleb held onto him, kissed him back and pushed into the connection. Essek’s hands were holding Caleb’s face and he felt Caleb’s arms around himself with a grip that spoke of longing. And for a few moments everything was reduced to the sensations they shared and the emotions exploding in Essek’s chest and spreading in waves through the rest of him.

And then they broke apart again, though there was something that remained connected, something invisible, and both of them were a little more want for breath than they had been moments before.

“Thank you-“ Essek swallowed, words finally returning more coherently to his lips. “For giving me- For giving me another chance. Not only to make this as right as I can but to… to be with you.”

“I should thank you-“ Caleb breathed. “For taking a risk on someone like me.” Essek continued to hold his face, adoring him, cherishing him. “Whatever you want to call this, I want it and I am grateful for it. For just the chance of having it.”

Essek smiled and he felt the muscles in his face tremble as he had never smiled this much before in his life. He was sure Caleb could see it, the effect he had on him. “I, er, I don’t think that calling it by any name is necessary. Do you? As long as we are agreed on what we want it does not really matter, does it?”

“Well,” Caleb shifted, his joyous expression dampening a little. “I… I am sorry to bring this up, but, ah… I don’t know if a label is strictly necessary, but I will require some means of explaining this to the Nein…”

Essek felt his face fall into a small frown. Dread crept into his consciousness. He withdrew his hands from Caleb’s cheeks. It was like that pleasant, soft haze that had surrounded them was dispersing and making way for a glimpse of the reality beyond. The Nein. Caleb’s family. A family with opinions and intentions. With plans for Essek and thoughts on him and probably severe reservations and objections if they were to find out where their wizard was and what he was doing that very moment.

“I know that it is… maybe not the most pleasant thing to discuss, but, ah-“ Caleb started.

“No, of course, it is- We have to talk about what we will do in regards to them. You are right, I just-… have you told them you were coming here?”

Caleb shook his head. “I have not. I, er, did not think I would be gone for long so I alerted no one of my absence. Not that I… would have told them if I had known that this would happen.”

“I see.” Essek had, deep down, always known that the Nein would eventually find out about there being more to Caleb’s and his relationship than polite, educational interest. Yet, realizing that the time for them to learn about this had come, especially now that it was emotional and different, left him feeling vulnerable. There were several ways for this to go poorly. And much fewer for it to go well.

“I am sorry.” Conflict reigned Caleb’s eyes and he averted them. “I understand that you- if you do not want them to know.” He sighed. “But that would be a betrayal, I feel. I know that I would be betraying the Nein like this, considering everything. It was different, before- before Nicodranas. But now… I cannot keep this hidden. Not anymore. Especially since it is… _more_ now.”

Essek tried to swallow his discomfort. He shifted and propped up his head with one hand, elbow on the bed. “No, I understand. I assumed that this would have to happen, eventually. Yet, I… I am not partial to any of the implications and consequences of it. Not only the, no doubt, mortifying questions and heckling. But also how this will influence things.” He hesitated. “But regardless, I agree that the time for secrecy is over. As much as I dislike it.”

Caleb offered a faint, comforting smile. “I am glad you understand. We will find a way to deal with the consequences, whatever they are. I think… we can manage that.” The content expression faltered. “Though I, ah, cannot promise that my feelings for you will… sway them toward acceptance. Of this or of you.”

Essek paused at that admission. He hadn’t expected anything like that. Hadn’t even thought of it. So it was surprising for Caleb to bring it up. “I hadn’t anticipated such a thing. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid of your group’s intentions. But whatever they are, I don’t think I can change them. And I am not expecting _this_ to change them, either.” He felt worry color his heart. “I know that there is no getting away from that...”

“You know my thoughts on this.” Caleb said gently, with a sympathetic tone to his voice. “And I believe them to be thoroughly separated from my feelings for you. Based on… on other things. But I worry that the Nein will not see it that way. That they will not see this assessment as being independent from how I feel.” His eyebrows knit together. “Not that I would blame them. I would find myself skeptical, too, if someone were to voice their feelings for another and then their defense of that very same person.”

“Of course.”

“I wish it was not so. That, once they know, that they will trust me with this and hear out my assessment in spite of it and let it influence their decisions. But I fear that they have already become hesitant of trusting my judgment. Regarding you, that is. Once they find out about these feelings, they might disregard my opinion entirely. Think me biased. Compromised, so to speak.” Caleb explained. “And that is, well, it is _Mist._ And the last thing I want is to put you at risk. But I don’t want to lie to them, either. So… being with me is not going to help you...”

Essek frowned. “Caleb. I don’t care about that.” He said with a serious, yet soft, tone. “Understand that I am not pursuing you because I think you can shield me from something. I am pursuing you, well…, for you. I have told you how I feel about you. If this has any effect on your group, then we will deal with that but that is not my objective. No ulterior motives. I promise.”

Caleb looked at him. For a moment, his eyes lingered as if searching Essek’s for a lie. Then he visibly relaxed and smiled almost sheepishly. Nervously. Like he had been caught doing something forbidden. “Apologies. I did not mean to insinuate…” He still seemed uncertain, like Essek’s reasoning was not enough. Essek had noticed this before. This inability to truly believe or give in to a compliment or an expression of adoration for him. But that did not seem like something that would be fixed by a handful of words uttered between lovers. That was much more, much bigger than that.

“No worries.” But that was fine, for the time being. Essek knew that Caleb was not an uncomplicated man. He had known this for a long time. Caleb had been on the path of a Scourger, carried burdens with him that seemed sizeable enough to weigh down a god. Had probably regrets just as huge. It was something Essek knew to accept. Though, perhaps, in time – if they were granted it – Essek could learn more and find out how to best help in making Caleb’s doubts, those unwarranted frowns, disappear. He would try, at least. By the gods, he would try. “But, ah, as for how to frame this… if it suffices, simply refer to it as a romantic relationship. I believe that is accurate enough.”

“Ja, I agree.”

“Good.” Essek hesitated. “Will you tell them tomorrow, then?”

“Ja. I think it will be best to do this as soon as possible.” Caleb seemed to relax a little at the shift in conversation. Drawing the focus away from his insecurity and toward something more proactive. “Keep them from finding out themselves.”

“Most likely, yes. Very well, I know to brace myself for my next meeting with all of you, then.” Essek said with humor to his tone and the amused smile Caleb gave him in return summoned that warmth to the inside of his chest.

“I suppose you must. You might find yourself thoroughly interrogated. I am, ah, afraid that there is not much I can do about that.” Caleb’s smile became apologetic.

“That is alright. It is what I expected. Fortunately, I was trained to verbally maneuver intense questioning.” Essek teased. “I should be able to endure this.”

“I respect your abilities, but I am not sure they will be enough for this particular instance. There is more than one person in the Nein who appears highly trained in discerning everything they wish to know. Especially about interpersonal relationships.”

“Ah, well. We will have to see, I suppose.” Essek’s tone was light and happy. Because, after all that had happened, discussing the disclosure of their relationship status was a blessing, was it not? The fact that they go to talk about this. To do it. That should make him happy, right?

But as Essek thought on it, the thought of the Nein knowing still made him nervous. As jovial as Caleb and him were being about the pseudo-interrogation, the fact of the matter was that Caleb’s friends did not trust him. Not all of them, at least. So what would they think about him engaging in a relationship with one of their own? Would they think it to be an opportunistic bond? Would they deem him manipulative or, gods forbid, abusive? Could Caleb’s feelings give them pause, after all? What if they couldn’t? What if the Nein questioned their validity? Gods, what if they tried to talk Caleb out of it? Out of _him?_ They were Caleb’s family, his closest, his most trusted, so what if he _listened_?

Suddenly, Essek felt fingers caressing his arm and his mind returned to the present. Where blue eyes were looking at him intently. “I can see worry in your eyes. Like dark storm clouds.” Caleb said so quietly it was almost a whisper. “I realize you’re worried about our friends learning about this… But know that, no matter what, you have me on your side. And it is not as though they are _eager_ to hurt you. They are- they _can_ be reasonable people. All of them. They do not hate you, they are not malicious individuals.” He reminded. “This is… not easy. But we can figure this out together.”

Essek hesitated, then slowly exhaled a breath he had unknowingly held.

“I understand your concerns.” Caleb continued to trail his fingertips over Essek’s skin in wonderfully light and meaningless patterns. “I told you they might not place much faith in my word regarding you anymore. But, ah, you misunderstand if you think that I will not fight for you, Essek. Well, I will- Not physically, but ah- ”

“Thank you. That- That means the world to me, Caleb.” Essek could almost hear his pounding heart. He looked away, feeling several feelings colliding with each other in his chest. Dread and worry, love and affection. But something else, too, at the thought of the Nein knowing. “Worried as I am, I think a part of me will be relieved once this is… known to your group. At least you will not need excuses to visit, anymore… provided that they don’t forbid you from seeing me.”

Caleb chuckled at that and some of the tension in the room faded with that warm, rare sound. “Apologies. I was not laughing at you, I promise. But, ah, the Nein are family, but they are not my caretakers. They can voice their opinions, but they cannot forbid me from seeing you.” After a beat, thoughtful concern shaped his expression and the gentle caressing stopped. “Can… can your Queen?”

Essek blinked, taken aback by the focal shift of their conversation. “Can the Bright Queen forbid me from seeing you?”

“Ja.” Caleb paused. “I suppose- I assume she can forbid you from doing most things if she were so inclined, but ah, would she? If this became… more public?”

“Do we… Do we want this to become public?” Essek asked, uncertain.

Caleb shot him a look. “I am not sure we have much of a choice, Essek. Not indefinitely, at least. And, ah, is sneaking around something you really enjoy? Because… well, it adds more lies and complications to your situation, does it not?”

Essek contemplated the question. The chances of someone finding out where high. And only growing. The Mighty Nein knowing would open more doors for this to get out through. Even if they intended to keep quiet for Caleb’s sake, information always spread eventually if known by that many people.

Not that Essek himself was certain to stay above suspicions. Though secrecy was one of his talents, someone would notice his behavior or a change eventually. He knew that. Especially now with everything being strange and undefined and up in the air. Coincidences and incidents were abound these times and if _anyone_ saw Caleb and him being anything more than professional colleagues, the Bright Queen would know within hours, if not minutes. And then have her own conclusions to draw. About her Shadowhand being too close to the Mighty Nein. Being too close to Caleb, specifically.

“You are correct. This will… come to light, one way or another.”

Caleb’s arm wrapped around him loosely. “That is my assessment, as well.”

“It would be better, safer, to be upfront with the Queen about it. To get ahead of any rumors.” Essek stated and he felt cold dread dripping onto the back of his neck. “Though, even if she finds out through me and not someone else, I cannot estimate how she will react. This will… draw her attention and scrutiny my way. _Our_ way. Most certainly, she will want to calculate the risks, at least.”

“It would be unwise for her not to.” Caleb estimated.

“Yes. Unfortunately, so. And she will know this, too. Normally she cares very little about the relationships those at her court entertain. But this case is unique.” Essek sighed.

“I assume a connection like this is… rare?” Caleb asked.

Essek gave a nod. “A relationship between someone from the Queen’s inner circle and someone who spent most of his life in the Empire… it’s unheard of.”

“That is what I thought.” Caleb paused. “Though she knows my allegiance to lie with the Nein first and foremost. Would that, perhaps, tilt this in our favor?”

“It’s better than if you were not with them, at least. Your group has done well in regards to the Dynasty, leaving you as a collective in the Queen’s good graces for now. Yet, she did not forget that you are Empire-born. That remains a… complicating element.” He pressed his lips together for another moment of thought. “And though allegiance with the Nein is better than one to the Empire, it may still not be enough to convince her that you are not a risk.”

“So she would be opposed, then.” Caleb concluded.

“Perhaps.” Essek considered his Queen. “But I cannot see her forbidding it. Not flat-out. It does not seem like something she would want to do. She will have questions, definitely. Will want to ensure that I know to put the Dynasty before my feelings.”

“And can you do that?” Caleb inquired, though his tone showed no curiosity.

“You know I cannot. You know I do not wish to, either. But I have managed to pretend otherwise well enough so far. If I play my hand right, I could perhaps spin this union as a chance rather than a risk to her. You carry ability and knowledge. And you have proven your interest in the prosperity of the Dynasty, in her eyes. There is potential to that angle. I have shown my ability to determine risks many times in the past. If she places faith in that and sees the merit behind my arguments, well, she may not see this as a problem.” Essek explained with a hint of hope.

“That sounds… much better than I anticipated.” Caleb volunteered.

“Well, it is not a guaranteed positive outcome. By no means. And I cannot say what will become of us if she does forbid it. Nor do I wish to… dwell on that. But there is … hope.” Essek mulled over his options. He could really push the ‘Hero’ angle and the advantage the Dynasty would have from being closer to the Mighty Nein than the Empire was by way of courtship. Present the bond as something far more calculated than it was. The arguments were not necessarily lies. But the insinuated ulterior motive was, considering how utterly blindsided Essek had been by every development regarding Caleb and himself.

“That is something. Something to hold onto.” Caleb smiled faintly. “If the Queen sees no issue with the union, it should be fine, ja?”

Something occurred to Essek at that question. Another variable. One that he really did not want to think about. He grimaced. “Unfortunately, there is still my Den…. Particularly my mother is a different story.”

“Ah?” Caleb asked. “I was not sure how much belonging to a Den played into romantic pursuits. I must admit to a very… limited knowledge about courtship overall here. Well, no knowledge that is not…”

“Tainted by Empire propaganda?”

“Ah, ja… or tainted by very poorly researched smut.” Caleb looked away.

_What?_ Essek stared at him for a moment, unsure of how to process this information and completely caught off-guard by it. It was not that he had not dabbled in romantic fiction himself, he considered his library to be well-rounded in all regards, but the implications of Caleb having read smut with… what, Xhorhassian characters? A Xhorhassian setting? The statement that it was poorly researched meant it had been written outside of Xhorhas, most likely. Which only added more questions to the growing list about this mystery text. “Oh?”

Caleb was staring very intently at a nonexistent spot… “It had nothing to do with, ah, you or, eh, this. And it was not- It is independent from this, I never-“ He stammered. “It was before I met you- Before we ever even knew we were going to end up here. In Xhorhas, I mean. Ah, I- Not that that makes it… better? It was a painfully inaccurate depiction of… everything. Even the title is offensive, so-“

“It is fine.” Essek said, trying to smooth out the smirk that so desperately wanted to appear on his face and shelving the information in his mind. “Though I hope you will enlighten me about it sometime.”

Caleb’s face was red. “I- Sure. Ja. But it is… very offensive. Just, simply _wrong_ from what I’ve seen so far. You would probably find it terribly, ah,- well, terrible. Terrible in all regards.”

“You are not swaying my interest.” Essek teased.

“You were going to tell me about local courtship customs?” Caleb changed the topic so abruptly it almost gave Essek whiplash.

But he let it happen without comment. “Yes. Courtship. Well, keeping in mind that I cannot really say for certain what is exclusive to the region and what is not, there are several things I am rather sure are not done in the Empire. But they are rather benign. Means of greeting, appropriate gifts, ideals for a rendezvous. Things like that. There are a myriad of meanings and implications behind several gestures. It would be a bit of an undertaking to get into all of it right now.”

“Those things, I could learn, I think.” Caleb pointed out. “To understand and remember, at least. The execution is, well, a different matter. It has been a while… a long, _long_ while, since I have attempted to… romance someone. So to speak. And even when I did it was- I was young, things were very different…”

“You would do fine.” Essek said with a soft smile. “Not that I actually expect any show of courtship from you. We … brushed over that rather quickly. I invited you to my home long before some of my betters would have deemed it appropriate if I was to pursue you seriously. Much worse, I invited you to my bed almost right away.” Essek shook his head lightly. “Those were not proper courtship behaviors.”

“Perhaps,” Caleb blushed. “Perhaps, you could introduce me to some of those traditions nonetheless, sometime? If, if that is something you would want. There is probably no chance for you and me to have anything close to what would be considered an ordinary relationship here, and I do not find myself want for that, but… if you would like to share some of your customs, know that I am happy to learn them.”

Essek’s smile brightened a little as his heart fluttered in his chest. He hadn’t thought that Caleb taking an interest in Xhorhassian romantic gestures would make him feel so… affectionate and appreciated, but it did. Somehow, it really did. “Yes. I can gladly teach you.”

“Wundervoll.” Caleb hesitated. “But, ah, you were talking about your Den, originally.”

And thus the brightness dimmed as Essek was reminded of how tied to reality their conversation had become. Not that he didn’t know the necessity of it, but he would have gladly remained there a little longer, tethered to nothing but the moment and his- gods, his _boyfriend?_ “Ah, eh, yes, my Den. My Den will have… opinions. My Denmother, specifically, who has the interests of my Den’s political placement at heart… I do not think she would try to outright forbid it, either, that is not a good look, but seeing as I am one of her sons-“

“Sons? …Plural?” Caleb asked with surprise.

Essek froze as he realized the slip-up. “Ah…” He swallowed. He knew he was going to have to talk about his brother, eventually. “Yes, well…”

“Some other time.” Caleb offered quickly and with a tone that spoke of understanding. Perhaps, understanding for not wishing to delve into something touchy. Essek was grateful. If he only thought about his brother finding out about Caleb, or worse _meeting_ him…

“Yes. Some other time.” Essek agreed before picking back up where he had left off. “So, ah, my mother would take an interest to say the least. You know nothing about Den politics regarding courtship, yes?”

“I do not.” Caleb repeated. “Though I have heard some stories about romances between Empire nobility. They commonly have to adhere to strict rules when indulging in a relationship with another. I imagine it is similar?”

“After a fashion, yes. Usually if you are of a high political and social status, you will seek to unite with someone who is at least not bad for your reputation.” Essek paused. He had not written the social contract, neither was he very partial to its contents, but explaining to Caleb exactly how his society might view their match felt like he was treading dangerously close to insult. “Not that you are bad for- Well-“

“I understand. I will take no offense. Please explain it to me.” Caleb assured.

“Right. So, commonly, there are several attributes that someone of a high station might look for in a match. Being of an important Den can be good, though that it also lead to conflict, making it a fickle affair. And if someone is consecuted, they are destined to be a good match due to being of note in a past life. Unless they committed a known crime. But finding a consecuted soul that it not already in a fitting Den is rare in and of itself…” Essek contemplated.

Caleb nodded along to the explanation gently, indicating listening and interest.

“What might qualify someone, instead, is great skill and capability. Shows of heroism, too. Great political influence by, for example, tending to an important role at court. They should be devoted to the Luxon, of course. Ideally, a Rosohna native. And certainly serve their Queen before anything else.” Essek realized there were a million more small complexities that he would not have the time to explain. Interpersonal relationships for Denmembers could be… a lot.

“So it is basically a search for a person with a list of desirable political and, I guess, social traits, ja?”

“More or less. Generally speaking, selecting a partner, if you are in a position like mine, is seen as a strategic move. However, one is expected to not engage with someone _purely_ for their advantages, but because of a balance of strategy and emotions.” Essek explained. It had been a while since he had to learn all of this himself. And he had never really found application for it. “If feelings flourish for someone who cannot offer an advantage, they should be a neutral element and not be a detriment to the Den by exhibiting very poor qualities.”

Caleb nodded. “And I would be a detriment.” He concluded. There was no hurt to his tone, no taken offense, no sadness. It was neutral, like he was voicing the result of a calculation rather than a somewhat degrading statement about himself.

“Maybe. It is a matter of perspective, I think. You have returned a Beacon and helped seal the peace. You, er, definitely fill the ‘acts of heroism’ column, as proclaimed by the Bright Queen herself. Then there are your qualities – you are of a highly intelligent mind and great arcane potential. You even take to Dunamancy extremely well.” Essek felt his heart swelling in his chest. But only for a brief moment. “Unfortunately, your group is known to be volatile, which does not inspire trust with something as delicate as Den politics. You have ties to the Empire – superficially strong ones with you being born, raised and trained there. You are absent from Rosohna a lot. And you, so far, have shown no interest in beginning to follow the Luxon.”

“Not to mention that I am human.” Caleb said with a dry undercurrent.

Essek paused. “You most certainly are. Though, that is not necessarily a problem…” He considered it. “Well, it is hard to say. The Bright Queen herself has been known to be a proponent of interracial relationships. I know it is an issue in the Empire, or rather- it can be. But here, what shape you have becomes relatively unimportant when your soul can be reborn into any body.”

“That, ah, makes sense.”

“Something about all that has to, I suppose.” Essek said dryly. “Unfortunately, humans are tied strongly to the Empire in the minds of these people. Making it easy to be prejudiced in spite of the teachings and adding an exception to tolerance. I am… not certain where my Denmother stands on this issue. I believe, if all the other pieces fit, she would overlook it without a thought, but…”

“They don’t. The pieces don’t fit.” Caleb said plainly.

Essek gave a solemn nod. “Meaning that there would be… resistance. And several occasions of her counseling me, if it can be called that, to find someone a little… different.”

Caleb sighed. The sound was full of disappointment and the strain of moments and interactions that had yet to happen but could already be felt. Essek felt them, too. Moments of the future, weighing heavily on their shared present. “It was to be expected. I knew that this was not going to go over well with… many people, but, ah…”

“I know.” Essek said gently, feeling Caleb’s pain and subtle distress. He reached up to cup Caleb’s ever-darkening face. He leaned in to press their foreheads together gently. “I know.” He echoed. “It… none of this is making it any less complicated. I wish it were different but it is not….” He sighed. “I understand if this is turning out to be too complicated-“

“Do not start with that.” Caleb said sternly. “I did not expect this to be simple. I knew it would not be. And I knew you to be in a precarious, complicated position. I knew that when I accepted our agreement, I knew that when I pursued you and I knew that when I came here tonight. I am not looking for an out, Essek.”

“Alright.” Essek relaxed a little, relieved that Caleb was not so pressured by their unfortunate circumstance as to take the easy route. Which was leaving him and this behind. “I want you to know that I care very little for the approval of my Denmother. Strictly speaking, I could not care less about it. Whether she likes you or resents you, it is all the same to me as I adore you. But, unfortunately, she holds power. Whether I like it or not. So it would be wise not to antagonize her and it means that her objections, unwarranted as they may be, will have to be navigated.”

“I understand.”

“Perhaps, if the Bright Queen were to know and approve first, my mother would not be openly hostile. Initially, at least. But that does not promise anything for the future. Whether there might come a time when approval would be withdrawn, if it was granted at all.” Essek released Caleb’s face. “Or whether she would return to pressuring me to find an appropriate match. I cannot… I cannot say for sure. I apologize. I wish I could give you certainty about any of this, but I cannot.”

“You don’t have to apologize to me. I have learned to make do without that.” Caleb replied gently. “Without certainty.” He sought and found Essek’s eyes to stare into. “There were several times where I thought I was certain about something… only to then be proven wrong or for something to take a different, unexpected turn. Eventually… I gave up on it. Goals, yes, determination, yes, but certainty? There is nothing I can be certain of in this world. I was certain that you held no affections for me. Now, look at us.” Caleb smiled and Essek felt a flame inside his chest flare up.

Essek couldn’t help but smile back at him. He leaned in and gently pressed his lips against Caleb’s again, heart fluttering as he felt a soft pressure in return. It was a gentle thing, an affectionate moment before he pulled away again. “I cannot argue with that. Well, that last part, at least.” He moved closer to Caleb.

“Also, don’t forget that I cannot offer you certainty, either.” Caleb’s smile faltered a little. “I adore you, I love you, I truly do. But I must leave you, time and time again as I travel with the Nein.”

“I know. I may not enjoy the thought, but I am aware.”

“I wish I could promise to be here on a regular basis. But if I tried to adhere to a schedule and even persuaded the Nein to go out of their way to go along with it, which would be a very selfish thing to ask of them, things, completely unpredictable things, get in our way. Keep us somewhere. So I would have to make promises to you knowing that I will most likely not keep them.” Caleb explained. “And that is something that I do not wish to do. That is a disappointment I want to spare us both.”

“I have no expectation of such promises.” Essek assured. “I do not enjoy knowing that you will leave again when I see you, I will honestly tell you that. And I do not enjoy the distance, the longing, the missing. But I know that … that I cannot have you without the Nein. Or without the adventures and the travels that you go on. As much as I would like to keep you here in Rosohna for myself. I know that it is part of who you are.” He said gently, a mixture of affection and sadness seeping into his chest. “If I could make… a single request, though…”

“What is it?”

“Be careful.” Essek said with a pleading tone. “Please, while you are out there, look out for yourself. You’ve told me that you are living a dangerous life. That you have been for a while, at least. I know that there is only so much safety to be had when doing what you are doing, but… please at least try to be careful.” He paused. “Too many times I have already worried about your death, Caleb. Too many.”

For a few long breaths Caleb said nothing, though his expression showed that the plea had him taken aback. Essek began to worry that he had said too much. That asking this of him, that showing this vulnerability had been overstepping. A discomfort. But then Caleb relaxed and nodded. “Okay.” His voice was quiet. “I will try. I will try to be careful, okay? But you- You must be careful, as well.”

“…Me?” Of course, Essek was not living a life of safety. But the danger surrounding him was of a different flavor. Much different. He was not the one throwing himself into battle, traversing paths of traps and dealing with vengeful entities and, perhaps, gods. He was dealing with people. And people, he could manipulate.

“Yes. You. The Assembly- Well, your co-conspirators… They remain a very real, serious threat to you.” Caleb said with something firm and unfaltering in his voice. “I cannot be here to ensure anything, so I have to trust that you are stepping carefully with them.”

“There is no need for you to worry about them.” Essek assured. “They have shown their hand with the Scourger, so for the time being they will have to re-evaluate their situation. Should they try anything, I have contingencies and plans set in place. I have been preparing for eventualities for years.”

Caleb’s expression hardened. “Essek. You must listen to me. You are smart. You are very, very smart. One of the smartest people I have ever met. And you are cunning. And I have faith in your abilities. But these people that you have dealt with- They are very, very smart, too. They are good at what they do and have been doing it for a long time. A time during which they have gotten away with… horrible, _horrible_ things. Atrocities. Without anyone batting an eye. Without barely anyone knowing.” Caleb took Essek’s face with both of his hands. He looked into his eyes with a stern expression. “I care about you. Deeply. I will not see you walk to your end at their hands. Please. Believe me when I tell you that the worst thing, the absolute _worst_ thing, you can do is underestimate those people. And what they are capable of.”

Essek blinked. Then he stared at Caleb for a lasting moment, words temporarily absent from his mind. As he saw Caleb look at him, into his eyes, as though trying to reach his very soul, his warning resonated. It hit. Sunk in through perceived contingencies and delusions of safety. Reminded him of the threat, sharp and cold and in focus, still right behind him. “Alright.” He finally said. “Alright, Caleb. I will be careful. I promise.” He placed a hand over one of Caleb’s as he felt it and the other starting to shake against his cheeks. “I will be very careful.”

Caleb eyed him for another moment before giving him a nod. “Good.” He released Essek hesitantly. “There are… there are many dangers for you. You know this. But I- I don’t- I cannot help or do anything about anyone within the Dynasty. I know too little to give you more than a superficial warning. But I can warn you of _them_. With reason. With knowledge and experience of what they are willing to do to cover their backs. Please, Essek. Do not take this lightly.”

“I understand, I know. I will be careful.” Essek muttered into the small space between them.

Caleb held onto him tightly, then, as another few moments swept by. He released a tense breath. Silence filled the space between and around them once more. Though it was heavier than before as the moment became a safety, a haven, from the dangers that surrounded them both. Dangers in the forms of people, loose ends, things opened but not yet closed. As much as it was a comfort to have each other that night, for these hours, it was a pain not to know whether another night like it would ever come to pass. Or whether one of those dangers might brew over first.

It was an ache. And Essek felt that pain shared in Caleb. Pain and anxiety over the messiness, the complexity of it all. It made it all the more miraculous, however, that they had found one another in the first place. Between the utter chaos of the Mighty Nein and the rules and politics of the Kryn Dynasty, their meeting, their love was like a collision of celestial bodies. Two things that could have gone everywhere within a vast, vast space and yet found themselves colliding - their paths, against all odds, crossed.

In that moment of a shared, yet separate fear, a memory returned to Essek’s mind. A thought. A stupid fiction he had conjured up before. Something that seemed distant, yet oddly close. Something that Essek knew to be unrealistic and impossible, but that came to him nonetheless. “There have been moments,” He broke the silence. “When I have indulged in a fantasy. A terrible, unrealistic, but strangely wonderful fantasy.”

Caleb looked at him. “Do you want to tell me?”

“Yes… Though I worry you will find it terribly silly.”

“Well, I guess I cannot promise you that I won’t. But, believe me when I say that, in recent weeks, I have experienced my fair share of silliness. So whatever it is, it would have to be utterly ridiculous to faze me.” He offered an encouraging smile.

That statement was begging to be elaborated on. Some other time. “Right, well, like I said it is- Ah, and I in no way expect this to become a reality. Nor am I actually aiming to make it so. It is a stupid fantasy. Escapism, perhaps.”

“You can simply tell me. I will not judge you.”

“Yes. Of course.” Essek swallowed trickles of nervousness. He began to regret bringing it up, at all. He looked away. “So. Once or twice I may have… entertained the unrealistic fantasy of what it would be like to join your group. Not that I assume it to be possible. Or that I have expectations of it. No such thing.” Essek drew in a breath, realizing only then how quickly he had been talking.

Caleb remained silent, offering him the space to talk.

“And, even if it had been a possibility at some point, which I am not claiming, I am aware of how complicated and tense the current situation is. Specifically, with your Nein. But, er, in spite of all that, I have found myself thinking on it when my mind saw it fit to drift. How I might enjoy shared travel. To partake in your adventures and see you all truly in your element- well, one of your several elements. Especially you, of course.”

Essek risked a glance to find Caleb’s face taken by surprise. “I never took you for an adventurer.” He hesitated. “Not that I think you would make a bad one, I could see it on you, I just always assumed that you were, ah-“

“All… politics and indoor spellwork?” Essek quipped with a smile. “I suppose I am. I certainly never thought myself to be much of an adventurer, either. There were… several opportunities for me to go on research expeditions, but I’ve always declined. I never had an interest for anything of the sort. Until I met your group. I am sure I could hold my own in a fight. And I would assume that, by way of my magic, I could fend for myself in most situations. But I have never actually traveled. Not really.”

Caleb was looking at him with curiosity and wonder. Like he was elaborating on the secrets of Dunamancy, not a shift in his own personal interests.

“Yet when I… when I missed you. Or even when I was dropping you off someplace and turned to leave… I found this previously unknown part of me desperate to join you. Not only to be close to you, but…” Essek grasped for words. “The things you experience, the things you do out there, they are so… I don’t know how to describe it. It is something so genuine. Dangerous, of course. But strangely honest, if that makes sense.” He hesitated. “I cannot explain why, precisely, but it appeals to me. I know that that is a romanticized version of the truth. I am aware that it is hard and difficult and unsafe… but I cannot help but wish to experience it.”

“You wish for some time away from all of this? From being the Shadowhand, from your Den and your Queen… the things very deeply known to you?” Caleb mused. “Time spent just with me and my group and whatever ridiculousness we find ourselves in?”

“You could not have phrased it in a more delightful way, my love.” Essek smirked and looked at Caleb. “Perhaps not as a permanent solution or way of life. There is magic here to research, there are things to uncover, still. Important work to be done right here with the resources given to me.” His eyes narrowed as he considered how perplexing he found his own thoughts. “But it persists, this fantasy. And it beckons me. It… attracts me.”

“Well, I cannot speak for my group. Nor do I wish to. But I think I don’t have to tell you that that sounds… really good to me.” Caleb smiled sheepishly. “You are right, of course, things are difficult. And I do not know whether that can ever happen. Knowing anything about the future is very difficult right now. But know that, if nothing else, it is a fantasy that I now share.” He chuckled. “Though, I guess telling you that I want you close to me is rather superfluous, yes?”

“Not at all.” Essek assured quickly. “No, please. Say it as much as you like. I ask you to.”

Caleb stared at him with his keen blue eyes and Essek saw the candlelight reflected in them, dancing in mirthful little sparks. “…I can do that.” And Essek saw, he did not know how, love and affection. And he hoped that Caleb could find the same returned to him. “I want you close to me, Essek. As close as you can be.” He paused. “Mein Stern. Mein Komet. Mein Mond und meine Nacht und mein ganzes verdammtes Himmelszelt.”

Essek did not know what any of that meant but he felt heat in his face and his heart skipping a beat, nonetheless. It sounded so pure and sweet. It sounded adoring, loving. Appreciating in a way reserved only for lovers.

“I want you by my side. I know the dangers of that. And I know the uncertainty of it, too. And the utter foolishness and recklessness of it. But I want you. In every way that one person can want another. I want you. Selfishly and stupidly, like I lost my mind when I saw you. And it has not been returned to me since.” His hands found the sides of Essek’s face again. They were trembling, as though they could barely contain the emotion beneath the skin.

Essek felt the steady, loud beating of his heart in his chest. Never. Never had anyone said anything like this to him. Never had anyone loved him like this.

“It- It has been a very long time since I have even thought of having anything like this in my life. Anyone like you. Even when I walked up to your home tonight, I was sure that this was not a possibility. This. This right here. This moment, Essek. This is much more than I anticipated. Than I could have hoped for. Just having this with you is… is a miracle to me.” Caleb exhaled and the breath came out in a shudder.

Essek listened to the soothing river of Caleb’s words. Each syllable making the thrumming in his chest louder, the rush of emotions stronger. He listened to the warmth and the emotion and the softness and that beautiful Zemnian accent that he realized he could no longer do without.

“And it is addictive. Your closeness, your proximity. Everything about you is drawing me in more and more. I want you. All of you. As part of my life. I want to know you. More than I do. To know you on your best days and your absolute worst. I want to wake up in a bed we share and study and do magic with you until we both tire of it and fall back into bed together at night.” Caleb admitted and confessed like his admissions were sins dripping from his tongue.

And Essek was utterly captivated and lost. Unable to tear away his focus from Caleb’s words.

“And I know. It hurts, but I know that all of that is selfish and foolish and stupid. A pointless, useless dream that may never come true. You and I – we have entangled ourselves in difficult lives. Lives of unpredictability.” Caleb’s eyes betrayed pain. “It is a mess, isn’t it? This thing between us. A complete mess of past events and circumstance and danger. But I want it.” He paused. “I did not think that this- this feeling was something that I could have, again. I was so sure, absolutely certain, that I would not get to.” He sucked in a breath. “And I am not worthy of it. This happiness that I can feel beating relentlessly in my chest when you so much as look at me. I am not worthy of it, but I long for it. Desperately.”

Essek considered him and the desperation and want and love in his voice. “You are.” He whispered. “Light and Luxon, Caleb, you are worthy of this. Of all of this. And so much more than I can never give you. The things you do- What you are- by the gods, Caleb you are worthy of much more than a traitor like me could ever provide.”

“You- You don’t know.” Caleb muttered, gently shaking his head. “You don’t know everything, you don’t-“

“Then I will learn.” Essek said sternly. “I will learn and listen and I swear to you that how I feel will not change. Whatever you have done in the past, I have seen what you have done in the present. What you are capable of. And as much as my feelings are unwavering, I am also making the choice to hold onto them. I choose, right here and now, to love you in spite of your past. Just like you love me. In spite of mine.”

Caleb stared, mouth without words.

“I love you. And I want to hear you breathe beside me at night, I want to rise alongside you in the morning and I want to trade words and kisses and ideas every hour of the day. I want stupid things. Needless, trivial little things that I have never cared for in my life before, and I want them with you.” Essek felt tears in the corners of his eyes. “I want you and your life of unpredictability. And I will take your past, too. I embrace the chaos of you like I embrace the rest. I want all of it. And I want it, well, for as long as I you care to give it.” Essek admitted. “Forever, if that’s possible.”

“I cannot promise you ‘forever’.” Caleb choked out and Essek noticed his eyes glistening with tears. “I cannot even promise you years. And I am sorry for that. Because if I could then I would do so in a heartbeat. Reckless fool that I am, I would promise you all that. But I cannot even promise you tomorrow. All I can promise is right now, this moment. And that for every moment we are granted after, every uncertain one of it, that I- that I will love you. I know this in my heart that this unwavering, foolish, blind thing will not fade. It will not wither, it will not wane. That is all that I can offer you. That, for every moment that you will have me, that I am yours.”

“By the gods, Caleb. That is- That is all that I want.” Essek felt his breath unsteady. “You say that as though it was nothing. But it is all that I want.”

And Essek met Caleb in a kiss. He crushed their lips together with need and want. With a longing, so deep and so powerful that it felt all-consuming. Everything dropped away around them, the room, the towers, the city beyond. For a fraction of time, a small splinter of it, the world was only heat and touch and feeling and nothing else. Movement and clinging and wanting.

Beyond those walls that became unseen, unnoticed and unimportant slept a city. Within, a Mighty Nein, a family, unaware of how that moment, that small moment, would ripple into their lives, their futures. A Queen and council, clueless about the ramifications and consequences that that seemingly insignificant moment bore, far out of their sight. And beyond that, beyond houses and city limits, a world, full of endless possibility and uncertainty.

Somewhere above resided the sky, a fake one and a real one. With a sun and moons and planets. Far in the distance, completely unknown, there were collisions and coincidences and fate. There were moving parts, unseen worlds. There were beginnings and endings. There was gravitational attraction, growing and growing until it birthed a star.

There was the infinite chaos of existence.

But for that piece of time, shared between two souls, two arcanists, none of that was real. That moment, existence was just them. Alike, yet not, tied together by something that was not destiny and had never been fate. Not looking at a future that they knew would be coming for them. Not thinking on the past that was stuck to their heels.

For the moment, there was a wizard in his tower, kissing his lover, his match. And he was lost. Utterly and completely lost in everything that his other was. Lost in the feelings he felt for him.

“Will you stay tonight?” He asked as they finally parted, breath shared, faces close, hands on each other’s bodies.

“Of course. There is no place I would rather be.” The other smiled and in his smile there was love and honesty and it was everything. “I adore you, Essek, I love you.”

There was a pause of delight. Of a heart pounding so loudly it became hard for its attached mind to think. “I love you, too.” And the distance between them vanished once more.

And for a moment that defied infinites nothing else mattered as both of them gave in to the magnetic pull that connected them.

For that moment, all that mattered was the closeness and heat and the love that they shared.

Or, perhaps, that was just Essek’s lovestruck heart silencing everything else.

As it was finally united with its match.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’ve come this far...
> 
> Thank you for reading this story. And thank you guys for each and every kudo and comment. I cannot express to you the absolute joy it is to read your comments. 
> 
> This was the first time I've written smut and the first time I've written Critical Role, so it was a bit of a rollercoaster to write for me. It really took on a life of its own what with my initial thought being ‘I think I’d like to write the wizards being kinky’. 
> 
> If you liked this, I have some oneshot ideas and a particular one for something tied to this, so keep an eye out for those!  
> You can still follow me on tumblr, where I do writing prompts and stuff: https://definitely-not-gremlins.tumblr.com/
> 
> That’s enough rambling from these gremlins. 
> 
> Thank you for everything and take care, gentle reader. 
> 
>   
> \--  
> One last time for y’all, the translation:
> 
> „Mein Stern. Mein Komet. Mein Mond und meine Nacht und mein ganzes verdammtes Himmelszelt.“  
> ~  
> “My star. My comet. My moon and my night and my whole damned sky.“  
> (Note: Caleb is using ‘Himmelszelt’ which literally translates to 'sky tent' which is just a poetic way of saying 'sky' in German. It’s a bit like ‘the expanse of the sky’ and used in lyrical ways mostly, i.e. songs, poetry, etc.)


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